Ever been around a child, your own or otherwise, who kept demanding their own way, expecting the same things they got last time or requiring that they be first, in the best group or get the biggest piece of pie?
Of course, some reactions of children are just that - childish. We can't expect them to all of a sudden become adult-like and always give others first place. But our culture today seems to be fostering more and more the idea that everyone should get what they want, when they want it and how they want it. I happen to frequent Starbucks and other coffee shops. And most similar establishments have followed Starbucks lead in allowing customers to pretty much have their coffee anyway they like it. I could talk in detail about how television, smartphones, shopping venues and game options all now give us unparalleled choices of what WE want when we want it. We don't even have to watch or enjoy live entertainment at the time it's presented. It will pretty much always be available somewhere, sometime when it's convenient for us. Those examples and so many others in education, the community, etc. that provide the same kind of immediate benefits, only increase the possibilities that our children will learn to expect immediate gratification. So, how do we as parents avoid the tendencies that our children can embrace to live largely entitled lives, especially when we are trying to help them learn to put others first, serve those around them and learn that giving is better than receiving? First, teach them that all entitlement isn't bad? We are entitled to feel good about ourselves, to serve others, to not be abused by others, to make choices even when others disagree. Lots of entitlements are good ones. Help them learn the difference. Second, however, don't give your kids everything. All new versions, updates, models, etc. aren't necessary to be happy, acceptable in school or cool. Children need to also learn to make do, take care of what they have and invest in their own possessions that are special to them. Third, start your kids and family serving others early. The familiar maxim, It is better to give than to receive, is really true. And do this sooner rather than later. Kids in elementary school and younger are more likely to welcome these opportunities allowing them to become the norm rather than something weird. Finally, spend regular time being thankful. Mealtimes are great places to give everyone a chance now and then to talk about something they are thankful for that day. Don't wait to only do this on holidays - make it a regular activity.
If left to their own devices and thinking, kids are going to naturally want more. There's only one place where it's effective to give them another, healthier, others-focused perspective. Our house. Start now.
This past week my wife and I traveled north of our home about an hour to visit a popular air force museum, have lunch nearby and just leisurely enjoy the rest of the day. We had a great time and were taking our time heading home when we remembered seeing a pie store on the way up. It caught our eye for a couple of reasons. One, we love pie. Two, it was located in a somewhat remote section of road and apparently only sold pies. We simply couldn't pass that up.
So we pulled in to the lot and headed through the front door of this small, attractive building. Inside we were not disappointed as we saw a couple of large pastry cases filled with homemade pies. Our mouths of course began to drool and we began talking about the kind of pie we would order to take home with us.
However, as we looked around the woman behind the counter said, "I'm just letting you know that we only take cash or checks here." Our enthusiasm immediately flatlined as we both knew that we rarely carry cash and we didn't have our checkbook. So we graciously told her that we would stop in next time and headed for the door.
A young thirty-something woman was in the process of getting her order filled and had taken out her checkbook to pay. Upon hearing our story, she immediately said to us, "Listen, I would be happy to write a check to buy your pie for you." Not sure what she was exactly saying I replied, "Well, thank you, but I don't have any cash to cover your check."
She then said, "Oh, no, I'll just buy it for you. I'd love to do that." Still stunned we stammered, "Well, okay, thank you so much. We'll have coconut cream."
Keep in mind that this woman didn't know us or our financial situation at all. We are at a time in our life when we don't have a lot of extra, but we aren't poor and obviously could buy a pie without having to skip dinner or go without gas in the car.
She apparently didn't care about that. She just wanted to pay it forward. Perhaps she's a very giving person, likes to serve others or just got a supernatural nudge at that point. We'll never know. What we do know is that she made our day and reminded us of the importance of looking for similar opportunities.
Yes, the common term these days is paying it forward. Maybe it is also just being nice or having a sharing attitude or being thankful for what we do have rather than wanting more. Whatever the case, we got a powerful reminder of how special it is to help others.
I also thought again about how important it is to teach the younger generation to do that. Our society has so many more popular examples of demands for more money, fame and possessions that it's time we balance the ledger a bit and also model servanthood and giving more of what we have away.
I found myself wishing that her children, if she has any, could have seen their mom helping us out. On the other hand, I imagine she shows them in other ways.
I'm looking for a similar opportunity this week. It's not that we don't help others like that. We love sharing what we have. But we got blessed by a stranger and it truly lifted our spirits. My guess it did hers too. How about joining in this week and making someone else's day. And if possible, let your kids watch.
Let me start out by saying that there's little I dislike more than those parents who unfairly and needlessly push their kids to excel beyond reason or their normal capabilities, apparently trying to live vicariously through the successes of their offspring. These parents are pretty obvious most of the time. They demand the best teachers and coaches, the kids have no social life and their children can rarely do enough except to be perfect.
However, on the other hand, some children will have a tendency to just get by, do the bare minimums, live on their natural abilities but not be the best they can be. They get decent grades, receive general praise from their teachers but may not be working up to their abilities and thus will need a nudge, challenge or even ultimatum from mom and/or dad depending upon the circumstances.
So let me suggest five signs you might look for that could be indicators that your child or teen needs some encouragement and direction from you or someone to get moving again.
They rarely talk about school in a positive way. Sure, lots of kids when asked how their day went give the classic response, "Fine." But over time kids who are trying hard, working their tail off and sincerely trying to do their best will talk about their successes and/or struggles because they want to do better. If you never hear anything about school, especially on the positive side, check things out.
Their grades and accomplishments don't change much. They get the same marks, do the same kinds of projects and write similar kinds of papers. While they're not doing terribly, you never see much improvement in their writing, mathematical thinking, musical skills or athletic prowess.
Homework is an afterthought more than a priority. Yes, kids today love their phones, video games, music and all that. That's normal to a point. But if you rarely hear them talk about homework or they always say, I did it in school, I wouldn't buy that and would check with their teachers. Some kids can get by on talent but that's rarely enough. They don't dream as much or talk about their special goals. Maybe the older kids used to discuss being an engineer or doctor or starting their own construction business but now they have more of a whatever attitude. Or the younger ones, not yet thinking seriously about careers, still rarely talk about what they could be someday even if it's unrealistic.
They don't seem to think they excel in anything anymore. At one time they thought they were an up and coming musician, ballplayer, artist or Lego builder but now there's nothing that captures their attention or purpose. So they just get by doing the average, same old things they know they can do pretty well but that's about it.
If your son or daughter seems to exhibit three or more of these tendencies you might have a talk with them and/or their teacher, mentor, coach, etc. No, the answer isn't to put the hammer down and demand that they now become a superstar in something.
Instead, help them think about some goals, begin to go after them and remind them why having a direction and desire to keep doing better matters in life. If you sense there are underlying issues that aren't being addressed then pull in a quality counselor who can likely get to the root of their insecurity.
Remember: a little change now can lead to huge results later!
