Great Marriages Require Significant Investment

The Wall Street Journal recently reported the costs for a typical wedding dropped by 32% during the recent recessionary times. Wow, sounds like the wedding business is in serious trouble right?  Well, consider that the drop means that the average wedding costs plummeted from $28,730 to a mere $19, 581 between 2007 and 2009. I guess we should all be encouraged that in 2012 it went back up to over $25K per wedding.

Now I suppose that if people have the money they should be free to spend whatever they want on their special day and arguments to the contrary are for some others to discuss. What concerns me is that based on the hundreds of couples I've worked with in marriage counseling over the years, very few people are spending that kind of money on their marriage even over years of matrimony.

In other words, too many spouses don't think it necessary to continue to significantly invest in themselves as a married couple. Their money and time soon go only to work, adding to their estate, caring for their children and pursuing individual hobbies and goals.

But like anything of value we must consistently ask ourselves what we're doing to make sure it holds its value.  How and where can we invest in the most significant relationship we have if we're married?

First, invest TIME. We must simply make sure that we have face-to-face time with each other on a regular basis, time that is uninterrupted and unimpeded as much as possible. As circumstances change (for example, children are born) we will have to get more creative with this but it can be done. Plan getaways and other special opportunities for just the two of you. In our marriage we have found it helpful to have a morning, evening or day of the week that is typically just for us.

Second, invest in PLANNING.  I've mentioned this in other posts but when you plan to together you also dream, have fun and get into each others hearts. You find out what is really important to the other person and get a chance to see them live out some things they really enjoy.  On a recent trip to Alaska I even learned that my wife had an even more special interest in photography than I'd know before and that led to getting her a better camera, lenses and other learning tools. It's been fun to watch her enjoy all that.

Third, invest in SERVING others together. Yes, it's time spent but it's also focusing on others. And when we do that we grow ourselves, become deeper people doing things that matter for eternity not just the present.

I'm sure you can think of other ways to invest in each other. The important thing is that you make regular deposits in your relationship. Trust me, the dividends will multiply for years to come, no matter what the economy is looking like!

Avoiding Communication Extremes in Your Marriage

There aren't many couples struggling with their marriage who don't have communication problems. I have 25-30 years of anecdotal counseling evidence to prove it. Unfortunately most couples haven't been taught to communicate well or have simply lost what they already knew.

Others have allowed their lives to get so filled with everyday life stuff that they have no time to look at each other face to face and talk about what really matters. In the next post or two I want to talk about how to enhance your ability to communicate more effectively and meaningfully in your marriage.

Communication is key to connecting our souls intimately.

But today let me talk about two extremes to avoid. The first one is when one or both spouses resort to a shouting match to get their point across. I've often said, don't yell at your spouse or children unless they are in extreme danger. Raising our voices accomplishes little to enhance what we say. In fact there are many dangers that accompany our angry tirades.

First of all, we tend to say words that we really don't mean and that injure the other person. We're likely to make comments that attack the other's character, "you're so stupid," or "you never listen to anyone, do you?" The book of Proverbs says in 18:21, Death and life are in the power of the tongue. We can hurt one another, deeply, and some of our words will be hard to take back.

Second, we don't invite the other person into the conversation when we're yelling at our spouse. We make winning the argument more important than resolving the conflict.

However, there's another extreme to avoid - silence. This is one that I used a lot early on in our marriage. I didn't want to hurt my wife more so I figured I would just keep things to myself and not worry about them. I was wrong. Instead I sent the message that I didn't trust her to handle my comments and concerns.

Silence has it's place but not when it's merely to avoid conflict. Silence may look better than yelling but it's not any more effective. The better way is to learn how to communicate effectively and in a timely way. Proverbs again tells us several time how impacting our words can be when spoken at an appropriate time. We're also reminded that we must listen before we speak (18:13)

Some suggest, however, that they are just "that way" and really can't help it. "Jon just blows his gasket every now and then and later he cools down. I just deal with it." Or "Allison is the quiet type. I've learned how to eventually get things out of her but it takes some time."

Wouldn't you rather avoid all that and just get to the issues without risking the hurt of rejection by words that hurt and silent rejection? There are better ways and I'll talk about them in the next couple of posts.