Gary's blog for couples and parents plus resources for individuals, leaders and churches.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

When Divorce Looms Over Your Marriage

I am sure I don't have to remind most of us of the statistics on divorce. Half of today's marriages will not experience "til death do us part." So it's imperative that spouses think long and hard about the impact of divorce and decide now what they will do when divorce rears its ugly head in their homes.

Some would say at this point, "Well, we shouldn't even be talking about it."  And I would agree that in a perfect world that SHOULD be the case. But we are humans so let's get a little more real and think about this for a few minutes.

First, ask yourself how the idea got posited there in the first place. Did one of you use it in an argument for leverage?  Is that really the route you want to go or were you just mad?  If there is no real movement or need to go the divorce route, then take the word out of your vocabulary NOW. Become more mature and talk about what's really going on, in the here and now, and deal with it.

But using divorce for leverage is the cheap way to resolve conflict and it rarely works.  Get some help but change your terms.

Second, have you done everything YOU could do to fix things?  Sometimes one of the spouses appears to have quit or given up.  And if that's the other person then I still want to ask you, "Have you tried everything anyway?"  Have you gone for counseling, have you prayed, have you been the spouse you want the other person to be?  Have you confessed your role in the strife (and yes you do have a role).

Ten years from now you at least want to be able to say that you before God did everything you could to save your marriage.  And sometimes, not always, the other spouse will see those changes in you and begin to come around.

Third, what kind of impact are your responses having on the children?  Whatever you do, keep the kids in mind.  Don't let them get hit with unnecessary friendly fire and shrapnel from your arguments, namecalling and petty ways of trying to win the battle. Lay aside your pride, suck it up sometimes and deal with the conflict but only in appropriate ways.

And should you go down the divorce road, still keep those kids in mind. You may have to yield on something that you'd rather not so that your kids can be spared some unncessary hurt. Do it. I know a guy who broke up with a woman he had a relationship with after his marriage ended because of how his ex used that relationship to harm the kids. I admire him.

Finally, remember that your worth comes from God not your spouse. Too many battles go on and on in homes because each spouse is fighting for his or her worth when it's not really on the line. Remember whose you are. Your spouse will never be enough for you so move forward.

Go to the mat for your marriage. Fight for it. Pray about it. Give it all you've got.  It's usually worth it.

Gary Sinclair Writer | Speaker | Leader

Gary is currently a consultant, teacher, speaker and chaplain providing resources for families, leaders and churches.



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