Gary's blog for couples and parents plus resources for individuals, leaders and churches.

Friday, May 13, 2016

When We Mean Well But Make It Worse

When a loved one, friend or neighbor faces a tragedy or challenge, our natural response is usually to do something, say something helpful or in other words, make it better. We certainly would never intend to add more angst to their situation but frankly we sometimes do - unintentionally.

And our misguided, ill-timed responses are often expressed through our words. We say the wrong thing though it may sound like the right thing.

Here are a few examples along with the better, more helpful, more realistic response.

1.  I know everything's going to turn out fine.  The problem is that in life everything doesn't always turn out okay. Thousands may pray and people still die or remain ill. We lose a job and there's no other job on the horizon anywhere. The better answer . . . ?

I know that you're going to get through this and a lot of us are here to help you.

2.  One of these days you'll discover why this happened.  Thankfully we do sometimes learn what God had in mind or how we grew and what was accomplished in us through a major challenge or tragedy. But often we never learn the why. We'll find out in Heaven perhaps, but not in this life. So it's a bit dangerous to promise someone that they will get the answers about why in this life. Maybe they won't. The better answer . . . ?

Sometimes only God knows all the reasons, but I will pray that you move from having to know WHY to finding out WHAT you will do now and HOW.

3.  I know exactly what you're going through and . . . .  In reality, none of us knows exactly what someone else is feeling or facing even though we may have a similar experience or story.  There may come a time when our sharing our perspective could give the other person some practical help about how to move forward or what not to do. But saying it in the moment of their pain only discounts their struggle and suggests they ought to be able to get through it easily because of where you have come.
There are better answers especially when the hurt is still raw and extremely potent . . .

I can't know what you're feeling but you are free to talk to me and share that anytime including right now. 

Get the idea? To be truly helpful means that we simply stay with another person in the moment without trying to fix, simplify or discount their hurt. Down the road may be the time for other suggestions. Initially make it your goal simply to listen and respond accordingly. I guarantee that the person you're caring for will thank you later for your ministry of presence and care, even though you did little to take away the pain.

Gary Sinclair Writer | Speaker | Leader

Gary is currently a consultant, teacher, speaker and chaplain providing resources for families, leaders and churches.

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