Something Fundamental Missing in Most Troubled Marriages

Remember your wedding day?  Can you still recite your vows?  Whether you know them word for word, you probably recall promising to love, cherish, and honor each other until the day you died. You meant well. You hoped that would happen and more.

But many of us know that things change. And while we still try to love each other we know there are way more fights or at least major disagreements that often become hurtful and harmful. We don't know why we spar over the little stuff or why our spouse irritates us so much.

Well, there are lots of factors when it comes to our conflicts but there is one that is especially worth considering.  It's what I call the Identify Factor. Most of us have a case of mistaken identity. We think that our spouse will fulfill us, do or say enough things everyday that will make us feel whole and important.  And while we should attempt to love our spouses, encourage them and build them up we can never be enough for them.

However, many couples struggle with arguing and fighting over some of the dumbest things. Why? Well, it's often because they are fighting for their worth, not about what restaurant they should go to or whether one of them picked the right outfit for little Suzanna. We go at it with the one love because they are not agreeing with us or telling us about something we might have done better and that only reinforces that, yes, we really aren't OK.

But if you're a Christ follower, you ARE OK in God's eyes. Jesus died so that we could be OK again. And there are five things we must be reminded are always true of us once we join God's family.  Let me tell you what they are: We are loved, we matter, we have purpose, we are forgiven and we're a child of God.

On any given day those things are always true. And since they are then when we approach our spouse to talk and they need to say something difficult to us or we aren't on the same page we don't have to win. We are freer to say tell me more or I'm sorry I responded the way I did or let's figure out how to make the best decision here about the kids (or whatever).


Our messed up identify has all sorts of implications: how we will do our work, how we will react to difficulties and even how we parent. If you've been trying to improve you marriage and have even gotten counseling but can't seem to put any new ideas into place, consider your identity. You just might be mistaken about it. Thankfully, God has a better offer for you.

Is Mistaken Identity Paralyzing Your Home?

A woman went to the hospital and during surgery had a near-death experience. But during that time she saw  God so she asked Him, "Is this it?  Is life on earth over?"  And God said, "No, you actually have 35 years left. You're going to make it."

So before long she woke up in her hospital bed and realized she was alright. As a result she decided to stay and have some plastic surgery done - a tummy tuck, some implants and major face alterations.  She even had her hair dyed as well figuring that if she had all that time left she might as well make the most of it.

However, as she finally left the hospital, she was hit by an ambulance racing to the ER and was killed.  So this time when she comes before God she is very upset. She says to God quite dramatically, "I thought you said I had 35 years to live and then I get hit by a car and killed."  To which God replied, "Oh sorry, I didn't recognize you."

A case of mistaken identity.  And while that's just a silly story, mistaken identity is a major problem for many people. No, not that they are thought to be someone else. Instead, THEY think they are really someone else they really are not.  Some think their identity is determined by their circumstances: loss of a job, poor finances, location and the like.  Others believe their worth is decided by their lack of ability - they can't sing, can't fix things, aren't athletic enough or whatever.

Another group thinks that who they are is determined by what they're feeling:  hopelessness, grief, anger.

On the flip side, we've also been taught that our worth is tied up in what we do, have or know. We have money, a great education, good looks, lots of accomplishments.  But what if any or all of those things are taken away?  Do we hand off our value at the same time?  God says we don't.  Our worth and value are never determined by anything other than what God thinks of us.

And God believes that every human has value, matters, is loved and can be forgiven.  And when we choose to follow Christ and receive His payment for us on the cross, we receive that forgiveness and literally become God's child. That's where our worth is.

So what are you struggling with today?  Remember it doesn't determine who you are, just what you're experiencing. Ask yourself what you're teaching in your home. Are you implying to your kids that their value goes up and down based on school work or other achievements?  If so, change the message.  Show your kids that they are unconditionally loved by you and by God. Keep a case of mistaken identity from taking over your household!