The Best Stage in Your Marriage? How about NOW?

I've not counted how many couples I've counseled over the years but there is a malady that I have seen in most of them when they are struggling. It's not typically the main or root cause but it certainly adds to their challenges.

The difficulty? One or both of them live in the past or the future, not the now. They bemoan the fact that their marriage, health, activity level, finances or stage of life isn't what it used to be. They live in the past. Or they constantly talk about (and gripe) about not being where they had hoped they would be. These couples live in the future.

It's a black hole that will never get filled.

After nearly four decades of marriage, certainly an imperfect one, I know that we've tried our hardest to make the best time in our marriage right now. Sure we've made some great memories. We hope there will be many more. And yes we've had our struggles as a couple and individually and we pray there won't be as many of those.

But if we've done anything right it's that we've made enjoying the present something we embrace and appreciate no matter the circumstances. One of the ways we do that is we explore the world around us together. We've not had to live in too many places but we've always found things to do together. Not everything, but a lot of things.

Whether we've lived in Michigan, Illinois or Texas we've poked around to find fun things to do and enjoy together. And at each of those stages our kids and now grandkids have lived in different settings. Most of the time they haven't been close. For five years though our daughter and her family were nearby. Now we're nearer our son. We've tried to make each situation work.

Sometimes our work environment was going well, other times we struggled. We embraced it all. We didn't like it all the time but we made the most of it and didn't dream of past or future as something better. The apostle Paul speaks of learning to be content in whatever circumstances we're in. That is powerful advice and certainly makes for a better and stronger marriage.

Living in the past or future also kills healthy communication with a spouse. We start bringing up past mistakes as tools for punishment of the other rather than dealing with the current struggle. We must learn to speak only in the here and now and if we live that way it will be more natural.

So whatever your age or circumstances spend a bit more time, energy and conversation on what you have NOW. Enjoy it, embrace it, relish it. God's given you some moments that you'll never have again. Don't cheapen them by wishing they were something else.

The Best Defense Isn't Usually Helpful in Marriage

If you follow sports at all you know that sometimes great defense wins games. Stopping the other person from scoring points or goals is often what helps the offense the most.

But in marriage defensive responding is rarely helpful. Playing defense usually means several things happen often in a marriage: one or both spouses rarely think they are wrong, neither are willing to look at their own issues and most conflict ends in stalemates, hurt and anger.

And yet many couples go to defensiveness immediately when they feel threatened or there is a chance they are wrong. Rather than explore how they might have hurt or let the other person down, they frantically hope to make their case for themselves.

For some this reaction came from their childhood where they were often told they were wrong or could never measure up. For others they're just competitive and always want to win.  Whatever the cause, playing defense has to go in a marriage. That doesn't mean that there is never a place for explaining yourself or getting the facts straight.

But let's walk through the process that a defensive spouse often faces and find a better way.

First, they hear something that potentially makes them look bad, have to admit an error or lack of judgment. That usually causes anger, panic or despair to well up within so they must do something to fight back.

Second, they begin to explain away their action, hoping to convince the other person that they aren't so bad or didn't do anything wrong.

Third, the other person continues to make their point. The arguing continues and both now try to win the battle.  They're playing defense and as a reult become offensive.  This never works.

The answer?  Don't explain, explore. Be willing to ask the other person how what you did made them feel and what you could have done differently. This isn't an admission of guilt. It's an acceptance of your own mistake and an understanding that your worth is not on the the line (See other posts I've written on this.).

Play more appropriate offense where you work at trying to understand and restore the relationship.

You see a great defense never wins the marriage game.

The Role Of Prayer in A Troubled Marriage

Ryan and Diana are ready to call it quits on their marriage. Married only eight years with 2 young children, they don't see any way to save the union that they promised less than a decade ago to protect and cherish until death parted them.

Now the only thing they want is something else and relief. The arguments, loneliness and lack of closeness are now a dark cloud that neither of them wants to stand under any longer.

They've talked with a lawyer and are already acting as though the relationship is finished.  They just live in the same house.

And there are thousands of couples just like them. They sense there is no hope so they've given up. And while if you asked them if they ever prayed about their problems they would probably say "every day," it's possible that they've still missed out on an opportunity in prayer that could save their marriage.

And if Ryan and Diane, who are not real, could be your marriage then I want to ask you to consider one more thing before you call it quits. Would you and your spouse be willing to call a truce for thirty days so that you can very intentionally and purposefully pray for your marriage?

By truce I mean that you lay aside any talk of divorce. You also quit talking down to or about each other. You live in your home as civilly as possible and begin to treat each other with respect, at least for the time being.

And then you commit every day to pray passionately and specifically for yourself and your spouse.  What do you pray for?  Here are some possibilities:

Pray for truth in each other. Jesus said that the truth will set you free.  So pray that God will reveal in each of you things that you individually or together need to change or deal with.

Second, pray for a softening of each other's hearts. There is probably lots of anger, resentment and bitterness but God is a big God.  Give Him a chance to touch you both. Pray for yourself as well as your spouse.

Third, pray for hope. Pray that each of you can get beyond the past and commit to doing the hard things it will take to change the future. Remember God is a God of second chances and each of you deserve that.

Finally, pray for the right people to come around you and help you move forward.  Pray for 30 days with the last few days including some prayer together. I realize there are no guarantees that you will both still decide to move forward. But if you've never really asked God for help and to give you the strength for a miracle, you'll never know if one could have happened.

Marriage Message Available Free

I had the opportunity to speak this weekend at my church on Troubled Marriages. There's actually a lot in the message even for those who are single, single parents or who are doing pretty well in their marriage. If you'd like to hear it or think it might be helpful for someone you know, you can listen free in two ways: one, go to iTunes, and do a search for Austin Christian Fellowship Messages. You can listen to or download the podcast.

Or you can go to our website: www.acfellowship.org and click on "messages." And if the message raises some other questions in your mind feel free to enter your question in the comments section at the end of this or any other post.