Memorial Days Are Better With Stories

My dad, Harold Sinclair, served four years in World War II. He didn't die in the war. He passed away in 2000, a goal he'd told us about for most of our lives. "I at least want to live to see 2000," he reminded us most every birthday.

However, he could have died in the war and perhaps should have. You see, nearly fifteen years after his passing, I was in mom's attic going through an old trunk of his military things helping her get ready to move. My sister and I were passing things back and forth between attic and the main floor, reliving fun memories and determining what should be kept or not.

All of a sudden I pulled out a newspaper clipping from several documents in a folder and my heart nearly stopped. As I read it, tears came to my eyes and I quickly called my mom and Marilyn. The little article explained that my dad years before had won the Silver Star, one of the country's highest medals for bravery. He had risked his life to save some of his men while facing machine gun fire to do it.

I dug a little deeper into the trunk and sure enough found an old, faded box and the medal was inside.  My dad was a military hero. Sure he was a hero to us in other ways, but we never knew to what extent. My mom didn't know, we kids didn't know of this military award. I wonder if his mom and dad knew.

All I know is that I wish my dad were there to tell us about it. I wish he would have shared that when we were kids.  It would have changed a lot of Memorial Days into Memory Days, ones with far more meaning and impact. Yes, I know that those heroes like my dad were usually pretty humble and didn't want to talk about actions and events that may have had significant emotion and angst for them even years later. That's understandable and perhaps we should all just accept that.

However, it seems that young people today are missing out when they don't hear some of the stories of bravery, sacrifice and commitment that parents, brothers, sisters and others in their families exhibited and experienced for our country's freedoms. Who will pass on the legacy, the knowledge and pride to future generations?

Yes, war is hell and there's much that perhaps shouldn't be included in our stories. And our tales don't need to only be about the war, military or serving our country. But we don't need to remain silent and steal from our children the important lessons, examples and challenges those who served us so well and in many cases died for left us. Why don't we this year talk to our kids, share with our families and express some pride and thanks in story form about the ones who paid a significant price for us to freely enjoy this day?

Then perhaps the picnics, hot dogs, races and games will take a richer and deeper place in our thinking all year long.

Five Things Couples Will Wish They'd Done Before Retiring

I'll never forget a wonderful pastor who Jackie and I learned so much from. He led a vibrant congregation as a teacher and leader for many years, looking forward as he said publicly to traveling a lot more with his wife after they retired around his sixty-fifth birthday. All seemed to be working according to plan as he bid farewell to his church except for one thing.

He died within a year.

All those plans to travel, spend time with each other and enjoy life were over, at least for the two of them. Sadly, many couples also put off until later opportunities, dreams and special hopes that didn't have to wait.

Let me suggest five things to try now that you would can include now in your marriage,and family life that you'll be glad you did even if you do live long beyond your retirement plans.

Travel together. Yes, like our pastor friend, travel plans don't always happen as we get older. Of course his death was the major reason he missed out but there are other inhibitors. Less money, health and other family responsibilities are three that often keep our big plans from happening in our later years.

Save more.  We live in a spend it when you have it culture. We're all about having the new, latest thing now. But someday you're going to wish you had saved some of what you spent on long-gone thrills and new technological advances to have extra resources that you can use for those days when it's time to work less and enjoy other things more.

Have more spontaneous fun. When is the last time you and your spouse or family did something unplanned just because it made you happy?  So much of family life today is scheduled, centered around the sports, school calendar or rehearsal schedule with little time to just enjoy one another. Take regular time to merely BE, to do things that make you laugh, that have no great purpose other than to re-fill your tank and take some of the stress out of life.

Share a bigger mission or purpose together. Over the years our hearts have been turned to loving, serving and helping the Russian church. Jackie and I have traveled there together, had Russian friends in our home and shared our resources. Your purpose can be local or far away, but there is something uniting and fulfilling about a bigger goal that you and your family embrace together. Don't wait.

Get to know your adult children as adults. So often we move far away (as we did for a while) and don't have the same amount of time to spend with them. If that's the case make sure you invest in ways to  help you get near them as much as you can. The computer makes connecting easier from a distance. And when you're together, make some memories.  Of course your children and their family responsibilities will place parameters on how much time you have but don't just sit back and hope you can get together. Suggest options, take time alone with grandkids if you can and plan some special things now and then.

You see, from someone who's there right now, you're going to face a day when you'll be asking this question: Did we do the things we wanted to do in life while we could still do them?  I'm thankful that we can say we did a lot of them. Thankfully, we seem to still have time and good health to do more of them. But I'm SO glad we didn't wait.

The Best Stage in Your Marriage? How about NOW?

I've not counted how many couples I've counseled over the years but there is a malady that I have seen in most of them when they are struggling. It's not typically the main or root cause but it certainly adds to their challenges.

The difficulty? One or both of them live in the past or the future, not the now. They bemoan the fact that their marriage, health, activity level, finances or stage of life isn't what it used to be. They live in the past. Or they constantly talk about (and gripe) about not being where they had hoped they would be. These couples live in the future.

It's a black hole that will never get filled.

After nearly four decades of marriage, certainly an imperfect one, I know that we've tried our hardest to make the best time in our marriage right now. Sure we've made some great memories. We hope there will be many more. And yes we've had our struggles as a couple and individually and we pray there won't be as many of those.

But if we've done anything right it's that we've made enjoying the present something we embrace and appreciate no matter the circumstances. One of the ways we do that is we explore the world around us together. We've not had to live in too many places but we've always found things to do together. Not everything, but a lot of things.

Whether we've lived in Michigan, Illinois or Texas we've poked around to find fun things to do and enjoy together. And at each of those stages our kids and now grandkids have lived in different settings. Most of the time they haven't been close. For five years though our daughter and her family were nearby. Now we're nearer our son. We've tried to make each situation work.

Sometimes our work environment was going well, other times we struggled. We embraced it all. We didn't like it all the time but we made the most of it and didn't dream of past or future as something better. The apostle Paul speaks of learning to be content in whatever circumstances we're in. That is powerful advice and certainly makes for a better and stronger marriage.

Living in the past or future also kills healthy communication with a spouse. We start bringing up past mistakes as tools for punishment of the other rather than dealing with the current struggle. We must learn to speak only in the here and now and if we live that way it will be more natural.

So whatever your age or circumstances spend a bit more time, energy and conversation on what you have NOW. Enjoy it, embrace it, relish it. God's given you some moments that you'll never have again. Don't cheapen them by wishing they were something else.

The Gifts I'd Most Like Again: They Can't Be Bought

I can think of all sorts of special gifts I've received down through the years. Of course, like most of us, I got most of them when I was a kid. I'll never forget the electric train cars, sports equipment, electronic games (yes, there were a few when I was young), the cool clothes (at least I thought they were), a special Bible or book and a host of other gifts that I longed for so badly.

We all had that present, too, that our parents gave us last that we knew was the big gift. But there are very few of those that I want again now. In fact, I really don't long for any of them.

But there are a lot of gifts I wish I could enjoy again that I simply won't ever have. And they remind me and I hope you that we need to cherish similar gifts now while we still have them. It's so easy to just rush through the most special moments of all because we're wrapped up in the tyranny of the urgent or trying to do it all when only a few things matter.

For example I wish that I could again have:

My kids be little again for even an hour.
My wedding day with my young bride.
A morning with my dad or father-in-law.
A moment or two or a cup of coffee with some of my childhood heroes and mentors.
A Christmas as a young kid with my mom, dad, sister and any other relatives who decided to show up that day.
A game of basketball or catch with my teenage son.
A weekend back at college with my good buddies.
A date with my daughter in elementary school.
A school program, sporting event or awards ceremony.
An evening with our whole family at home together.
A day of playing baseball with my neighborhood friends.
A morning with my church friends from a bunch of years ago.
A snow day.
My first climb of a fourteener in Colorado.
The day our son or daughter or grandsons were born.
A conversation with Al or Don or one of many other friends now in Heaven.
A family vacation.

My list could be much longer. In fact, I'll probably put a more extended one together just for me. The problem with doing it now is that every entry brings tears to my eyes both of joy and sadness.

So what's the point? It's pretty simple. Enjoy every special moment now. Savor them. Slow down. Be thankful. Don't rush them and please don't wish them away even though some of these moments came with pain, hardship or challenge. Some of us still have these moments in front of us. Watch for them. Be ready. Relish every one.

We live such faced-paced, driven lives it's easier and easier to miss the great moments because of the quantity of mediocre ones.

They are still gifts. All of them. Gifts you'll someday wish you could have again.

Getting Old Doesn't Need To Mean Getting Worse

OK, so I have to admit I'm not a kid anymore, in fact I'm creeping out of middle age and perhaps getting closer to Middle Earth! I saw that common sign again today at most big box checkout counters that says something like, If you appear to be under 40 we reserved the right to ask for ID if you purchase alcohol. No one is carding me that's for sure.

And yet it seems like so often in our society we write people off who don't fit our nice, beautiful and useful profile anymore. The gray hair is increasing, they walk more slowly and have certainly lost a lot if not most of any physical attractiveness.

But I'm convinced (and so is a lot of research) that people in their 60's and beyond still have much to offer God, their community and families. For that to happen of course requires that they themselves don't bail on life, quit being productive and think they should just sit on the sidelines. Some need to be reminded that people's 50+ years are the most productive and their 60+ years are second on average.

Think of Billy Graham and Paul Harvey who both have flourished personally well into their 90's.  Mr. Harvey died recently still busy and fruitful, doing amazing things known all over the country. As we age we also bring that much more experience and wisdom with us and it needs to be shared. Some of us need to start or continue writing, teaching, perhaps even putting some of our ideas on video for people to see and hear for decades to come.

Families need to also enlist the elder men and/or women  from time to time and let them tell their stories and share their insights with the younger ones.  That's Biblical, too, you know?  Some of the best mentors on the planet are people nearing retirement or already there. We just need to give them a forum. Why not bring t he old and young together more in churches?

So if you're getting up there in years don't think of this as the end, consider it more as a new beginning, an opportunity to pass on things for the next generations.  And if you know someone who might feel relegated to the sidelines, invite them into your conversations and let them still make a difference. They won't always be around, you know?

Love: Sacrificial Acts, One At A Time

I was in a store the day before Valentine's Day and watched a harried businessman briskly walk in to buy a card. Since I was also getting one for my wife, he walked up right next to me to choose his. And he took all of twelve seconds to pick it out. Obviously, his feelings were really deep for his sweetheart.

OK, maybe he truly loves her and was feeling especially guilty and short on time. Nonetheless, the image of that man in a hurry to "love" reminded me that true love is really so much more. Our culture has often made love into something merely syrupy, temporary or sexy.

And yet if we're honest we know it's far greater than that. The book of I Corinthians places it the highest on its list with faith and hope.

And while no one can ever totally describe love maybe we can look at a few of its components to remind us of its richness and what we might want to model better this year in our homes.

Love is sacrificial. Anyone in a marriage or other relationship must never expect 50/50 relating. There are times when it's equal and both partners should learn to love well. But sacrifice means just that - we give up something. Sometimes we have to give totally because the other doesn't or is incapable of it for a time. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice of love for us as our example and got little in return from us.

Love is long-term. It's one thing to do a loving act a time or two, but it's far more to love over and over, year after year. Too many people go into marriage thinking there is an expiration date on their need to love. But real love lasts and endures through even the worst.

Love isn't selfish. Love isn't done for what we'll get in return, how we'll look or to have good feelings. Love totally focuses on another for their good. That means that sometimes we have to have tough love or set up boundaries with people. We do even those hard things because we love them.

Finally, love is God-directed. The Bible says that God is love so we need to get our strength and direction from the source. If we try to love on our own, we'll mess up. We won't sacrifice, last for long or we'll probably take the glory for ourselves.

So, as Valentine's Day for another year fades, don't let your love wane. Make it richer and stronger and more giving than ever. Love really is the glue that holds us all together.

The Importance of Making Memories

One summer my wife Jackie, daughter Amy and grandson Liam got on a plane to Colorado. We spent eight days in the Rockies at a timeshare condo we bought over eighteen years ago.  And every time I go back I can't help but reminisce about the fun family times we've had together over the years.  We didn't buy the timeshare week for an investment and it probably wouldn't sell for much now anyway but the memories are like gold and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I wish more families would make real memory-making together a priority. Yes, we can have great theme-park memories and times with extended family, but each family needs to also develop their own unique getaways.  They don't need to be expensive. Ours usually weren't.  We bought our timeshare as a resale and we only get to use it once a year.

But we decided to make the mountains a key part of our times together.  I've climbed ten 14ers (14000' mountains) and six or seven of them were with one or both of the kids. We've hiked scores of miles of other trails many above treeline eating sandwiches in some of the most beautiful places in the country.  We've basked in the beauty of God's handiwork and taken time together to notice the One who created it.  Some of my most church-like moments and greatest God encounters were with family members hiking in the mountains.

Your family times may be along a stream, at a favorite cabin, swimming in the ocean or even serving others together on a missions trip or at a nearby shelter.  Whatever you do, make your own special moments.  And don't just settle for the same thing or what everyone else does.  The big theme parks are fine now and then but enjoy the outdoors, do something a little risky and go places others might not go.

And second, please do not make every vacation a visit to the relatives!  Yes, family relationships are important and need to be nurtured, but our immediate family needs the same attention. Always going to Aunt Phyllis' and Uncle Bob's can get old and stale pretty quickly to a kid.

If you've not done a lot of memory-making start making some plans for the coming year.  Half the fun is in the planning.  Let the kids be a part of the preparation.  Get out some maps (you can teach them a little geography, too) and start considering the possibilities.

And finally, count the number of years left until your kids turn 18.  For some of you that's not a lot of time.  Make the most of the years remaining because soon those kids will be out the door for the most part. 

Guess where our kids go these days when they can get away for a vacation?  The mountains.  I think they enjoyed the memories.  You can too.