Staying Married 40 Years: The Tools of Commitment

Jackie and I are celebrating forty years of marriage today, Sunday, June 26th. We were married in 1976, the same year our country was founded.

Oh, wait a minute, it just seems that long and we look that old at times. We actually honeymooned in Canada during most of the 200th celebration of our country's establishment so we weren't too patriotic.

Sometimes we both feel as though we couldn't even be forty years old, much more married that long. On the other hand, we are incredibly blessed to still be husband and wife in a culture where silver, golden and even ruby (40) anniversaries seem to be fewer and fewer.

We were blessed with two awesome kids, who now have their own and have given us six grandsons. Wow, who would turn that down?

But we also know that we haven't been perfect and accept our warts, scars and ongoing challenges that others face. We didn't do everything right by any means and brought our own issues to marriage, ones that we too had to overcome by the grace of God. We've shared some of those stories elsewhere.

If we can share anything, however, it might be just a handful of attitudes and practices that have been handholds and footholds in our journey together, points of balance and strength that have kept us from giving up or giving in. No, we didn't do any of these perfectly but we made them consistent throughout the years.

One, we made time for each other even when we had kids or other significant responsibilities. I've written about this in other posts plus my book, Turn Up Or Turn Around Your Marriage, but I need to highlight the idea again here. We've almost always had a least a day that was dedicated to time together. We still do today.

When we had kids, we shared babysitters to lessen the costs, but we still made it a priority. That time kept us talking, relaxing, connecting and making each other a priority. We dreamed, planned and worked through things because we had the time.

Two, we said "I love you" a lot along with other encouraging words of life. Even in conflict we avoided name-calling, comparing and shame. We knew that words were and are powerful so we kept trying to speak life into each other. A related action is that we still act romantically towards each other in the everyday times - hold hands, sit together on the couch when we watch TV and kiss each other hello and goodbye.

Third, we were always a team - as parents, partners, dealing with finances, making decisions, disciplining the children. Everything we own, we both own. It's all ours even though there might be a few items that one or the other cherishes or uses more. One of our favorite things to do was to plan special trips or other events together.

Finally, though there are more I could talk about, we both looked to God, to Jesus and the power of His Spirit for our ultimate worth and happiness and the strength to live godly. Unlike the Jerry Maguire line, we don't try or expect to complete each other. We immensely enjoy each other's love and care and hope to keep doing so for many years to come. But we are clear that when it's all said and done, God is enough.

You see marriage is a wonderful taste of what only God can do in us all the time. That's why we sacrificed to give to Him over the years, to serve other in missions or special programs like MOPS. It's why we chose ministry together over just getting more stuff. And it's what we believe will make the rest of our years special, whatever time God allows us.

We do value so many who have been our models, mentors, teachers and encouragers. Some of you who will read this are in those groups whether you know it or not. Thank you.

And if our example can help you or someone else to keep committed to marriage and not give up, then it's been worth the difficult journey even more. Feel free to share this post with others who might benefit from hearing a little of our story.

As I like to say, never quit climbing. The view from the top is worth it!

Sometimes We Smell And That's A Good Thing

Alright let me be blunt here. Why do a baby's diapers smell so bad? Is it the vitamins? I don't know. Of course there are lots of things whose odors are so pungent that we immediately turn away. Rotten meat or eggs, manure in a farmer's field, something that burned on the stove or in the oven, even certain flowers not known for their sweet fragrance.

Whatever the case, when something has a bad fragrance we don't stick around long. We move away from it or at least try to cover it up.

But let's be a bit more positive. What smells and odors are we attracted to? Freshly baked cookies, bacon, a favorite perfume or aftershave, a just bathed and powdered baby who no longer has that messy diaper I mentioned earlier?

This morning I was reminded that God asks us to live our lives as a sweet smelling fragrance, an aroma that people are drawn to, the odor of life not death. And we're to give off that scent even during the tough times, when days aren't going as we'd hoped.

How can we do that?

Well, it's knowing that no matter what's going on in our world, God's still in charge.  He can still handle whatever we're facing. Just because life stinks, our world doesn't have to.

On my way to work I'll sometimes stop at a McDonald's for a morning latte. I've gotten to know the drive - thru team pretty well, too, so in the few seconds I may have there I usually get to talk to one or more of them. This morning the regular woman there who takes the money smiled and said, "Yours is free today. The person in front of you got it."

I said thank you but of course looked to see if I recongnized the car or person ahead. I didn't. I think it was a drive - by blessing. But somehow my spirit got lifted a little and I found myself wanting to do the same for someone else. I got a whiff of a caring fragrance that filled my car and my spirit.

I know I need to think more about my odor each day and is it one that people will hope sticks around or would rather dissipates quickly? Will my responses today be a sweet or ugly smell? What if we talked with our spouse and our kids about how we could through our actions and attitudes be more of a welcoming fragrance at work, school, church or wherever in the community? What if we shared at the end of the day how we attempted at least to make a positive difference?

Yes, there will always be smelly diapers and rotting garbage out there. But there are hundreds of ways to give our world something else, a scent that they'll enjoy all day, perhaps all week long. It may be the breath of fresh air someone needs to move forward or keep going.

How are you going to smell today?  The answer will be based on our choices and decisions. And it's possible that someone in our world could use some cleaner air. See today if you can help.

Who's Getting Your Time and Why They Need It in 2016

A young boy was waiting at the door when his weary father came home. "Dad," he said, "how much do you make an hour?" "That's none of your business, son," the father responded obviously irritated.

"But dad," the son replied, "I really need to know, really!"

"Okay, I make about $30 an hour. Are you happy? You just wanted to know so you could go and buy some toy or video game. So go to your room and think about how selfish you are."

The boy leaves, his shoulders slouched, his head down. Before too long the father began to feel a little guilty about his sharp reply so he headed up to the boy's room with a ten-dollar bill in his hand.  "Son, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have responded the way I did. Here's the ten dollars."

The son's eyes lit up and he said excitedly, "Thanks, Dad!"  He then proceeded to pull a wad of bills from under his pillow and added the ten dollars to it. Then he said, "Dad, now I have $30. Can I buy an hour of your time?"

Sometimes those close to us are longing for the same thing. Just an hour or so of our precious, focused, non-distracted time. Yes, we've perhaps been around our kids but have we been with them?

We get busy, distracted, focused on other things and maybe other people. But we cannot continue to give them our leftovers.

Culture will only get more complicated and faster this year. We can't wait for it to change. We must change. The time we have with those we love can end in a moment or at least feel like one. The country western song says it so well, You're Gonna Miss This. Yes, someday soon we're going to miss those little bodies running around that we would love to slow down, those hugs we get when we come home yet wish for some quiet and the conversations we might wish would end sooner.

So give the people you love your focused time now. And give less to those who are merely takers and aren't a part of your most important connections. Embrace your moments for what they are not for what you wish they would be. And make it rich time as well as extended time. Most children and teens need both quantity and quality.

Who needs your time and might want to buy an hour of it?  Give it to them soon - for free!

How We Might Knock The Air Out of Someone At Home

I only remember it happening a few times growing up, but I'll never forget the sensation either. I'd be playing with friends or involved in some sporting activity and someone would accidentally run into me, a ball would smash into my abdomen or I'd fall down in an awkward way.

And all of a sudden it felt like I couldn't breathe. It would take several minutes before I could catch my breath and feel somewhat normal again. It's called getting the air knocked out of you and it happens all the time, even to adults, especially those who play rough sports.

Unfortunately we can do the same, at least emotionally, to one of our loved ones at home.

Often it's done through our words. In a fit of anger we may yell and call someone a name, imply they are stupid or make an unfair (and likely untrue for the most part) comment about their character.  "You're lazy," we say to our teen. "You aren't much of a student," we spew to our 4th grader. Or, "You're just like your mother," we rant to our wife.

Sometimes we do need to say hard or challenging things at but we should never, and let me repeat that, never attack someone's character. We can talk about their current action and why it was wrong or unwise but it hurts deeply and can knock the emotional air out of someone we love to imply something unkind and untrue that they are as a person.

We can also injure through our actions or lack of them. We promise that we'll be there for a game or other special activity but regularly never make it. We make a family member look bad or silly in front of others. Or we brag all the time about one child but can never seem to find anything good to say about the others.

Actions matter. They are the exclamation point on our promises. They are the follow-through to our words. No, we'll never be perfect but don't promise if you can't deliver most of the time.

And believe it or not we can even hurt someone through a look or expression. We all know when someone looks at us with a face that clearly says they are disgusted with or ashamed of us we remember and feel it for a long time. Many a helpful resolution to a conflict or disagreement has been undermined by a look of disdain before the conversation could ever get started.

Are you knocking the air out of those you love? Take inventory. Listen to yourself. Ask others to watch too. Because if we keep doing it, some of the people who matter most to us will simply quit "playing" with us and that would be a tragedy.

Are You Giving TO or Living THROUGH Your Kids?

I was standing at Starbuck's recently talking to a man who apparently attends my church now and then (it's a big church). He had introduced himself and we continued to chat as we waited for our espresso drinks.

But soon he said, "I need to gloat a little. Yesterday my son won the regional wrestling tournament and he's only a freshman!"  I of course congratulated him and could resonate with the pride he was feeling after a great accomplishment by one of his kids.

I am glad he felt comfortable telling me as I'm sure his dad tank was still overflowing as it should be.

However, I also know that some parents relish moments like that and then crave for more. The success of their kids becomes a drug that they can't shake. Perhaps the child is achieving in ways they never did or they merely have to one-up the neighbors. It doesn't matter the reason. Living through our children is a black hole that has serious consequences for them and us!

Some of those consequences?  We inappropriately push our children too hard. Instead of being honest about their abilities or lack of them we demand that they keep going and get to the next level. And we can subsequently send the message that unless you perform you're not good enough for us. And watching the success of the scant few who reached the Olympics this week doesn't likely help.

Second, instead of being normally proud we become narcisstically arrogant. Everything starts to revolve around their succcesses and it's all we talk about. We chart every statistic, keep track of every win or loss and brag on Facebook or at the next meeting with a friend about their performance. To be honest we can become an annoying pain rather than a cherished friend enjoying one's children.

Third, we can lose some of our connection with our child. We don't talk anymore about school unless it involves their skills, we rarely discuss everyday life and just focus on their sport, club, music or whatever. And it's possible that they too feel they can't really get our attention unless they've done something notable.

Finally, we can avoid looking at the void in us we're trying to fill through them. Chances are there is something in us that we're trying to soothe, a pain we're wanting to dull or a goal we still want to reach through their successes. And if we don't figure out what it is and learn to fill that void in healthy, spiritual, godly ways it will never happen. And we'll never be satisfied.

Are you giving to your kids in loving, caring and normal ways?  Or are you trying to live through your kids' successes?  Enjoy those special accomplishments. Tell them you're proud of them of course. But make sure you love them no matter what. That's the way God treats us and I don't think we'd want it any other way. Your kids don't either.

Lessons in Love From a McDonald's Manager

Recently I visited a Michigan Mc Donald's to pick up some food to take out. And I was not there long to see that most of the help, even those behind the counter, were people with special needs. I found myself wondering how that might work especially with customers on a tight schedule who were likely in a hurry.

Would these people working take longer? Would anyone care? What if they made a mistake or couldn't figure out what to do next?

I soon found out. The sweet woman waiting on me was very pleasant but it took her longer to find things on the cash register. Several times she needed help. I wasn't in a hurry and would like to think I would not have cared about her slowness even if I was.

What impressed me next and most however was her manager. She was amazing. She was holding down the busy drive-thru lane but graciously moved away from her work theree and helped the woman in my line or anyone else.

She always treated her team with respect and spoke kindly. She never openly showed frustration or exasperation. She was a saint.

I think we can all learn from her no matter who we are dealing with and especially in our own homes.

We can first speak graciously and kindly.  We all have weaknesses, faults and make mistakes. We need to still treat each other with respect, honor and forgiveness. Jesus said to love others the way we love ourselves.

My wife and I just faced one of the worst weekends of our life with an extended family member and realized how cruel people can be with their words especially. The damage can be destructive.

But we can all also look for the best in people. That McDonald's manager did just that and she is making a difference in lives. Even with our spouses or children we can always want more rather than be thankful for and bless the good in them. Does that mean we overlook the negatives? Of course not.

This woman leader corrected her help every time but encouraged them as she did it. We must do the same. All salt and no sugar eventually leads to sour.

Who in your world needs to be treated with more love, dignity and grace?  Start today honoring, encouraging and blessing them with your words and actions even when you have to say hard things. Remember God does the same with us every day.

Love: Sacrificial Acts, One At A Time

I was in a store the day before Valentine's Day and watched a harried businessman briskly walk in to buy a card. Since I was also getting one for my wife, he walked up right next to me to choose his. And he took all of twelve seconds to pick it out. Obviously, his feelings were really deep for his sweetheart.

OK, maybe he truly loves her and was feeling especially guilty and short on time. Nonetheless, the image of that man in a hurry to "love" reminded me that true love is really so much more. Our culture has often made love into something merely syrupy, temporary or sexy.

And yet if we're honest we know it's far greater than that. The book of I Corinthians places it the highest on its list with faith and hope.

And while no one can ever totally describe love maybe we can look at a few of its components to remind us of its richness and what we might want to model better this year in our homes.

Love is sacrificial. Anyone in a marriage or other relationship must never expect 50/50 relating. There are times when it's equal and both partners should learn to love well. But sacrifice means just that - we give up something. Sometimes we have to give totally because the other doesn't or is incapable of it for a time. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice of love for us as our example and got little in return from us.

Love is long-term. It's one thing to do a loving act a time or two, but it's far more to love over and over, year after year. Too many people go into marriage thinking there is an expiration date on their need to love. But real love lasts and endures through even the worst.

Love isn't selfish. Love isn't done for what we'll get in return, how we'll look or to have good feelings. Love totally focuses on another for their good. That means that sometimes we have to have tough love or set up boundaries with people. We do even those hard things because we love them.

Finally, love is God-directed. The Bible says that God is love so we need to get our strength and direction from the source. If we try to love on our own, we'll mess up. We won't sacrifice, last for long or we'll probably take the glory for ourselves.

So, as Valentine's Day for another year fades, don't let your love wane. Make it richer and stronger and more giving than ever. Love really is the glue that holds us all together.

The Power and Privilege of A Hug

Did you hear about the woman who started a business called The Huggery?  For sixty dollars she'll snuggle with you for an hour. She says she's right up front about what this is and is not, but I still wonder about how that works.

Whatever the case, she says that lots of people out there just need to be close to someone. I guess you could say this is a form of a hug. And yes, we all do need to be touched to survive well emotionally. Most of us know about the studies of infants where those who were held and cuddled had their health and well-being improve dramatically.

So while I don't suggest we start our own cuddling/snuggling business there are some ways we might connect through touch better at home.

First of all, cuddle with your spouse. Yes, guys, cuddle. That can take lots of forms from holding hands to sitting close on the couch to giving a long-lasting hug. And no, I don't mean the kind of touch that has to lead to more. Just be close.

Second, give more hugs. Of course, hugs toward the opposite sex should be appropriate and careful, but we don't have to eliminate them. Where we lived for eight years in Texas hugs are the norm and they make a difference in how people feel especially when they feel alone or discouraged.

Third, don't be afraid to touch your older kids in affectionate ways. Young children are easy. We pick them up all the time and often hug, wrestle or play on the floor. But teens are different story. When my son as an adolescent was getting to be about my height I would purposely claim that he wasn't as tall as me. So he would naturally ask my wife to compare us as we stood back to back.

I would put my arms behind my back and pretend to pull him close for measuring but I was really getting a hug. He just didn't know it. (That didn't last long by the way, but it worked for a while.)  Our kids need to be able to enjoy the simple, caring touch of a parent who truly cares about them.

You see, in our fast-paced, busy worlds, touch can become a thing of the past if we're not careful. So as the old commercial used to say, Reach out and touch someone.  It does matter.

Three Cautions About Valentine's Day

OK, so some of you reading this are already mad at me for trying to spoil your special day, right? Believe me, I'm not attempting to mess up any good that will come out of your or my celebration. In fact, later today, my wife and I are going to celebrate a little early and also give each other something on the actual day. So there.

However, I need to use the occasion of Cupid's holiday to give us all some fair warning and challenge. Because you see, Valentine's Day and other somewhat man-made occasions designed to force us to do something nice can be deceiving.

First, they can help us feel better about the weaknesses in our relationship. We give each other a nice gift, card, dinner or whatever and then life continues on like normal. We feel good that we celebrated and were able to tell others about our gift giving but the rest of the year we're still struggling. We would be wiser to spend less on Valentine's Day and more towards counseling or at least time every week to be together and grow as a couple.

Second, they can distort what it means to truly be loving. Of course, the stores, flower growers and candy makers all want us to believe that giving their gifts will totally change our relationship. But we all should know at least that being loving is way more than giving some nice gifts now and then. Our gift giving is best when it's another gesture of the kind of love we've shared all year as opposed to making up for what we needed to be doing every day.

Third, they can cover up what it means to be truly intimate. I've said in other posts that intimacy in marriage involves way more than sex.  It's closeness of body, soul and spirit. That takes a lifetime to begin, develop, sustain and enjoy. No holiday gifts will come anywhere near that kind of intimacy.

Perhaps this year, in fact, the two of you can talk about ways to increase your intimacy in all three areas.  Set some goals, get rid of some activities that you really don't need to do anymore.  Use that time for each other instead. Marriages usually don't break up because of one hard hit. They erode because of lack of attention over many years.

So, sure, go celebrate with your sweetheart. Do something nice and surprise him or her. But this year make it your goal to start or continue a relationship that has so much love in it all the time that Valentine's Day is just another beautiful rose in the bouquet of your life together.  Hmm . . . where did I put that card?

Serving Together Can Help Keep You Together

I'm writing sitting in bed in a hotel room in Moscow, Russia. We're just finishing twelve days here having helped organize and lead a worship and pastors' conference here.

One of the best parts for me this year is that my wife Jackie was able to join me in Russia for the third of my fourteen trips here. She worked tirelessly with our hospitality team as they took care of both our staff and those who attended the conference.

And while there were times when we didn't see each other too much (my job involved teaching, training, etc.) we have memories and shared experiences that we will enjoy talking about for a long time.

You don't need to go to the other side of the world to have this experience. But you usually do need to plan to serve others or it probably won't happen.  We're just too busy.

And the benefits?  There are many but here are a few. First, you get to see God work in some ways beyond the usual. Most serving opportunities simply won't work well without God's hand in them to guide, direct and even surprise.  God has a special knack for bringing just the right people together, too.

Second, you let God build a similar vision and passion in you. Jackie and I will both return home with many of the same names, observations and cultural experiences that will keep us having long discussions for many months. And God does something for your spiritual connection as a couple when you take a leap of faith into something new.

Third, we learn to trust God more together. It took a considerable sacrifice for her to go - time, money and the taxing of the body.  But because we've seen God's provision before and during the trip, we trust Him even more with our lives. Add that to the many daily "God - moments" we had and you have a built in spiritual growth plan

So, look for an opportunity to serve somewhere.  Start now. Begin planning.  That's half the fun. But whatever you do don't let other things crowd out your service for Him. You will never be the same.

Real Parental Love Knows Few Limits

I was at a large conference this week and happened to sit behind what turned out to be a very special family. A father, mother and son were all in the row ahead and nothing looked abnormal at first. The son, at least an older teen or perhaps a young man in his early twenties, sat between his mom and dad.

However, the son had seemed pretty quiet and I didn't see or hear him talk for a number of minutes.  Once the program started I could tell he had some special needs.  Before long he laid his head down on his mother's lap and she just put her hand over his back and stroked it.

After a time he sat up again, made a motion or said a quiet word to his mom, I couldn't tell, and then laid down on his father's lap. Before long the boy sat up again only this time I could see that the father was wiping something from his own pant leg or lap. The boy had apparently drooled on him.

This time the dad just calmly wiped it up, it took some time, while the mom looked on. Nobody got upset or was surprised. This had all probably happened many times before.

And while I was in a setting where spiritual training, worship and teaching were going on, observing them was truly a spiritual moment for me. I saw love and compassion for this special young man that many parents would never display or enjoy. I'm sure there had been days of heartache and disappointment but this day their love did not wane.

I found myself thinking that God our Father is like that. He sees our flaws and knows we are needy. Nonetheless, he continues to love us even though we aren't as mature as we should be or we "drool" on him through our weaknesses and faults. Yes, He knows what we are capable of but also accepts our limitations. When we're tired and overwhelmbed He strokes our backs in the same way these parents did soothing us to rest.

I'm glad I met that family the other day. I may never see them again but hopefully I'll never forget the poignant image they painted for me through their care for their son.  It was a picture of our Father loving us as only a parent could do.

Love Means You Really Do Need To Say You're Sorry

If you're at least forty-five or fifty then you probably remember a sappy, but very popular movie from years ago called Love Story. It was probably one of the most viewed movies that year although I don't think it won any major awards.  Nonetheless, the most famous line of that film was no doubt, Love means you never have to say you're sorry.

Yep, nice movie line. Unfortunately it was untrue then and it's just as silly today. In fact, the more counseling I do, the more I see struggling couples digging in their heals to do anything but say they're sorry.

Why? Well for some their worth as a person is horribly fragile. They simply do not want to admit they're wrong. To admit a mistake about this one thing (as simple as it might be) is to risk the possibility that their spouse will think they are a total loser. Of course that would rarely be the case but the fear is too great.

Others have unfortunately been brought up that way. Mom and/or dad just said things - rude, crude or lewd - and everyone just looked the other way or went on with business as usual. Manners along with kind words of "thanks, please or excuse me" just weren't part of the family's vocabulary. It was the "sticks and stones may break my bones . . . " mentality but no one ever talked about it and the pain it caused.

And yet marriage experts such as John Gottman and others have shown how statements like I'm sorry show the other person that you really are willing to try to repair a mistake or situation and it encourages the spouse to believe that you will do it again. It's a function of learning to start over or re-try a situation so that it's handled more effectively and with compassion, not enmity. It's part of friendship development, something sadly missing in most troubled marriages.

Saying I'm sorry is not an admission that you're the whole problem. It's just taking ownership for your part in it. It doesn't diminish your personhood, it enhances it. Admitting you've made a mistake keeps you real, human and more accepting of other's errors including those of your spouse or children.

Showing humility in this way also teaches your kids healthier and more effective ways to handle disagreements and personal slip-ups, to be authentic and real.

And perhaps most importantly, you model in your home what real love is.  The love chapter (I Corinthians 13) in the New Testament speaks of love being patient, kind, gentle and not keeping an account of wrongs suffered. God's love in us flourishes most when grace is needed.

So say you're sorry, will you?  To your kids, your spouse, your friends, your associates.  It really won't hurt you. it certainly won't kill you and you will be no less as a person. In fact, it will slowly begin to change you . . . for the better.

Who Are We REALLY Worshipping?

There's a lot of internet traffic out there right now about a well-known pastor and outstanding communicator named Rob Bell. Apparently he has a book coming out that says that a loving God would never send people to Hell and as a result Love Wins, the title of his book I believe. Hell is essentially empty.

And while it's tempting to jump into that discussion I'd rather talk about why I think the discussion is going on in the first place.  And I think the reasons do give us something as spouses and parents to consider in our homes and families.

Let me start with a question.  If Rob Bell were not famous, the writer of many books, the principal teacher of numerous videos and a regular conference speaker around the country and world, would we care much about his views on Heaven and Hell?  I doubt it unless we were attending his church or part of his family.

A lot of people care about Bell, however, because he is well known, people look to him for insight and seek out his superb teaching.  And sadly many seem to have also elevated his words, perspectives and even final thoughts on all matters theological equal to those of the Spirit.  And I'm pretty sure that was never Rob's desire nor is it really his fault.

I run into all the time people who also seem close to deifying their favorite speaker, author or teacher: Rick Warren, John Ortberg, John Piper, Mark Driscoll, Joel Osteen, John MacArthur, Joyce Meyer . . . the list goes on and on. In their minds what that leader says about anything goes . . . it is THE truth, THE perspective and THE only way to look at the Bible or its implications. The first thing out of many well-meaning Christian's mouths is . . . "Well so and so says . . . " before "This is what the Bible says."

And when that happens we are on shaky ground. Yes, God has given any of us who speak or teach the privilege of teaching the Bible as accurately, clearly and compellingly as possible but none of us has the final word on anything that is not clear and obvious in Scripture. Maybe we've forgotten that.

I wonder if we've not begun to worship more the messenger than the Messiah, the pastor than the Priest, the author than the Ancient of Days.  Do we want to hear the words of the Rob Bell's more than the Word of Life, Jesus Himself?

So that when a Rob Bell stirs the pot about Hell (and he may be totally wrong for all I know), we fear that so many may become confused or led astray because of the thousands of  people who follow and perhaps worship him.  Maybe if we adored our teachers less and our Savior more we wouldn't get so upset when our spiritual heroes aren't quite as perfect as we think.

How about as leaders in our homes we commit right now to keeping our eyes first and foremost on Jesus?  He's the only Savior, the only one who died for the world and the ultimate author of truth.  Teach that, model it and speak about it in your home.  Perhaps we need to do a better job of balancing our own personal study and worship with that of listening to our favorites and expecting them to feed us.

Second, how about we pray more for our leaders, pastors, teachers and preachers that they remain humble, authentic and students of the Word?  Let's let even famous people be human.  Yes, we can challenge and disagree where necessary but we can still respect them as fellow believers and Christ followers.

And finally, let's be loving, no matter what.  We must speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), we must model love, we must show others who are watching that love still guides us.  Because as some pastor once said, "Love wins."

Nothing Says LOVE Like When We Says It

Every year there is Valentine's Day. Most wives have spent time either pouring over the cards in the card shop or like my wife, making one. Most guys will be trying to find a store still open after midnight and will pick out a card in less than sixty seconds. (I actually picked one out that quickly once but hung around a few minutes longer just to make sure the woman nearby didn't think I was just a  heartless jerk going through the motions. And I really did get a nice card!)

And yes, those special touches, the gifts, nice dinner, flowers and cards are helpful reminders that our sweetheart is really special. But maybe we put a little too much stock IN an object to express our love when our spouse needs to be more the object OF our love.

So what am I saying about love?  Express it verbally. Yep, say it - often, meaningfully and in variety of times, places and ways.  Don't be like the crotchety husband who replied when asked why he never said "I love you" anymore, "I told you I loved you the day we got married.  That should be enough."

Really?  No, it's not enough. There is power in our words for good and bad. Say it on the phone, when you separate at the beginning of the day, when you come home, when you're being romantic, when you just need to. Hearing "I love you" is like adding fuel to the emotional tank of our spouse.  When we keep making healthy deposits into one another's health reservoir we help them build up a reserve that will sustain them through the not-so-nice struggles and disappointments of life.

It will be much easier for us to deal with hurts, disappointments and even conflict if we have a positive balance in our love bank. Saying the words helps stamp our feelings for one another more deeply into the recesses of our souls.

And we must remember that we can have short memories when it comes to being loved.  Love must be expressed, modeled and most of all said out loud.  Those three little words, "I love you," have the power to heal a wound, restore a heavy heart and poured renewed strength and energy into a troubled soul.

When will your next opportunity be to say "I love you" to your spouse?  Will you take advantage of it?  I hope so. Because we must never forget that the next opportunity will someday be our last! Don't wait.  Just say it - now.

Love Is Not Always Obvious

I was driving down the road at a conference this week when I came upon a huge sign that said Hell Is Real.  That was it.  No explanation, no place to find out more, just this in-your-face message about Hell.  Well, I'm thinking, cancer is real and abuse is real and messy marriages are real.  They're all bad, too.  Why don't we put them up on big signs reminding people of their existence?

Some of us probably remember when the John 3:16 placards were in every end zone of the football games each weekend. I always wondered how many people even knew what John 3:16 said anymore and even if they did, would they all of a sudden think, "Oh yeah, that's about Jesus being the savior of the world. I'd better think about that?"  I doubt it.

You see unfortunately,when it comes to messages many people think that other people just get it.  They believe that no matter what else is going on at the time or what form our communication takes, if we're sincere and the message is important others will figure it out.

Wrong. Communication is both an art and a skill. We dare not assume that people will embrace our message just because we think we've put it out there.  And most importantly we must learn to communicate well when it comes to those we love the most. For example,what if someone were to ask your children, do your parents really love you?  Particularly consider about the older ones who can now think subjectively.

Would they respond with a resounding "yes?"  Maybe. But some of them may wonder about our love because we haven't said it lately or we've missed sharing a compliment or encouragement of late.  We may be providing for their needs and attending their events but have we looked them in the eye and told them we love them just because?

How about our spouse?  Same questions. Don't assume they just know of our love, pride in them and appreciation.

Here are the problems with the signs I mentioned earlier.  They first of all have no context.  There's no explanation, no relationship and no understanding of the reader.  Our comments in our families have so much more potential because they can be heard in the context of a home.  But we must speak the words.  Death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21).

Second, we must offer more detail. It's great to say love you! on a regular basis as a little reminder of our affections.  I do.  But at times we must say and offer more.  Sometimes we need to tell something specific about them that we especially love.  Yes, our love is to be unconditional, but detail adds to the depth of our commitment.

Third, we must speak it loudly. No, I don't mean you need to shout.  But we used to talk about a principle in drama that makes sense here.  If you want your expression to reach the back of the room you had to sometimes make it larger than normal.  It felt weird on stage but it made sense to the people in the last row. In the same way sometimes we'll need to repeat our expressions of affection.  Other times we need to make a big deal of them through a gift, surprise or special honor.  You'll have to determine what's appropriate and helpful.

In fact Gary Chapman's series of books on the 5 Love Languages would help you learn how different people feel loved in varying ways.

So today and this week when you want to show your love, be obvious.  Just don't put it on a sign, OK?

How Sacrificial Is Your Love?

There are few spouses or parents who wouldn't do most anything for their child or spouse, right?  I know I think that and would jump to protect any of them in a heartbeat.  However, I wonder sometimes if we are as loving as we think during the not-so-critical moments of life. Do we really know what sacrifice for each other is during the everyday times?

For example, when it comes to our time, our money, our things, our preferences . . . do we defer or demand?  Notice the word our in each of the previous phrases.  There's a clue right there.  When something belongs to us, when it's ours, we can get selfish more than loving. Now, don't get me wrong.  There's a place for having what belongs to us, protecting it and enjoying it.

But God seems to suggest that sacrificial love doesn't hang on to anything very long but is more willing to give it away.  The classic short story writer O.Henry tells this story in The Gift of the Magi.  A young American couple, Della and Jim, were very poor but much in love.  And each had one special possession.  Della's was her long, beautiful hair.  Jim had a gold watch given to him by his dad.

It was the day before Christmas and Della only had one dollar and eighty-seven cents to buy Jim a gift so she went out, had her hair cut and sold it for twenty dollars. She then bought Jim a beautiful case for his watch.  That night when Jim came home he was stunned to see her with her hair cut short.  And then he handed her his gift . . . a set of expensive tortoise-shell combs with jewelled edges . . . for her to comb her beautiful hair.  He had sold his watch.

Wow.  That's sacrificial love.  Each willing to give the other all they had to give.  What are you hanging on to that you could give away for those you love?  It may not be a possession.  It could be time, attention, words or a listening ear.

I deal with people every week whose lives are changed by a significant event such as a major change in their health or the loss of a loved one.  I heard of another situation just two days ago.  And in most every case I know there are people who wish for just one more moment to live like it was before.  To say or do one more loving thing that wish they would have said or done but simply did not.

You and I have those opportunities left with those close to us.  Love someone radically today.  Give of yourself sacrificially to your spouse, child or friend.  Spread that love to others around you who need love, too.  As singer James Taylor wrote, shower the people you love with love.  And as Jesus more profoundly challenged us, "Love your neighbor as yourself."  Don't miss out on one chance today to love like Jesus did. And have no regrets later.

The Impact of a Hug

Her name is Elizabeth Laird. You probably don't know her but at Ft Hood here in Texas they do. She's known as the Hug Lady. Since 2003 she's been greeting soldiers deploying and returning from missions with a hug.

"If I can bring a smile to their face, if I can lift their spirits a bit, if I can let them know we care, it's my way of saying, 'Thank you for what you do.'" This four feet, ten inch woman is described as a one-woman welcome wagon and one-person goodbye party. In seven years they estimate she has hugged at least 500,000 soldiers.

Scared and worried soldiers leaving home and tired and worn out warriors thankful to have returned all get a hug from Elizabeth. Her hugs must be like a cup of cold water in the desert.

I wonder how many of us and the people in our world long for a hug. Oh, not just a physical, put your arms around the neck kind hug, as great as that is. No, a hug that may take a hundred different forms, but has the same impact. It's something that sends the message, I noticed you, you've not been forgotten, you matter to me and most of all you still matter to God.

Think about what hugs to our spouses, kids, parents, neighbors and coworkers might look like. A smile, a word of encouragement, a "how are things going?" to someone you know has been hurting.

What about a thank you in a spoken word or card? How about inviting someone for coffee 'just because.' Wouldn't it feel like a hug if someone walked up to you and said, "Thanks for a great job," or "I'm proud of you?"

Do we take interest in people, do we listen instead of talk, do we ever seek to learn more about someone else's recent or past story? All of these can be "hugs" that we give out regularly.

When we first moved to Texas we were amazed at how many people came up and gave us a hug even though they didn't know us. Yes, hugs can be overdone and misused but somehow it seems like we need them more in this fast-paced culture of ours.

And let's not leave out the physical version either. There is something affirming about appropriate touch and closeness when it expresses our love, pride and encouragement towards one another. In a world where people are flying by us every moment, a hug, physical or not, slows us down and helps us to notice someone else. We embrace each other emotionally when we really hug someone.

Who in your world needs to be hugged today? Who is the person who you think needs it least? They probably need it most. Give of your hugs freely, intentionally and lovingly. Give them often. And offer them in love. Someday we might wish we had hugged more when that person is no longer around or in proximity to meaningfully connect any more. Start now.

Not Missing the Obvious in Marriage

Recently we drove to Dallas with our daughter, her husband and our grandson Liam to see my sister who was there for a conference. She hadn't seen little Liam personally nor been with the kids lately so we thought it would be fun to drive up for an overnight to get everyone together.

We eventually made it to the hotel fairly late in the evening, all of us pretty tired. The baby of course needed to get settled right away so we all headed for our rooms and said goodnight. Jackie and I quickly unpacked and as a "normal" man would do I looked for the remote so that we could at least watch the news before we went to sleep.

But I couldn't find it. I searched near the TV, on the desk and even on the floor nearby. Not seeing it I asked Jackie about it and she too came and looked some more, going through drawers, opening up cabinet doors but all to no avail. I was just about to call the desk and ask for another one when Jackie said, "Look!" And sure enough there was the remote, standing on end, right next to the TV and a water bottle!

I wondered if it had just materialized. It was like looking at one of those pictures that has a hidden object or person in it but you just don't see it right away. I said to my wife, "How could we have missed it when it was there in front of us all the time?" Other than the fact that we were a little tired, the only explanation (well . . . other than I'm a moron) seems to be that our eyes weren't looking for it standing up on end. Our past orientation was such that we expected to find it in a certain position or location but not standing up!

Because our minds apparently weren't open to another alternative we'd missed it completely when it was there all the time. I wonder if we sometimes don't bring a similar blindness to our marriage and parenting. We've gotten so used to only seeing in certain ways, living in a comfortable framework, that we miss the obvious when it's right there staring at us.

So in this post and the next I want to remind us of a few things that we perhaps need to see more in our homes, things that are probably there but that we may miss if we're not looking. Let me start with marriage.

First, don't miss your spouse's uniquenesses. Yes, sometimes these special traits may have become irritants or qualities that we simply don't resonate with much of the time. But enjoy and appreciate them anyway. God often uses our differences to bring strength to an area of our weakness or to help us see things that we would not.

Jackie typically looks at things with a much more tender and emotional eye than I do. And over the years that has helped soften me and make me a better husband, pastor and counselor. But there were times when I didn't know what to do with her way of reacting. Now I'm glad she's uniquely made with that wiring.

Second, don't miss opportunities to give praise. We all need to know that what we do matters and that we are loved and yes we can only get those two things in adequate amounts from God. However, it always helps to hear affirmation from those we love and are closest to in life. Do you thank your spouse for what he or she does over and over that makes life better for you and those in your home. When's the last time you complimented your spouse on an outfit, the meal they made or the project they completed?

Don't assume they know already or don't need to hear the words. I've used this verse in other writings but let me go back to it for a minute. Proverbs 18:21 says, Death and life are in the power of the tongue. Words matter.

Third, don't miss an aching heart. So often one or both of us is struggling and we have no time or margin to connect with each other long enough to process the hurt, disappointment or discouragement. We just go on to the next event or responsibility longing for the one we love the most in this world to talk with us and understand. But instead we may miss each other because the more urgent things tear us away.

Look for changes in reactions, a sad countenance or a sense of downness in the other. It may be big or small but taking the time to listen, pray and talk about next steps can be huge in bringing you closer together.

Finally, don't miss an opportunity to show love. Stay creative, be cagey at times, look for ways to surprise each other with a touch of love that the other didn't expect. Yes, everything we do for one another should be rooted in love, but sometimes we all need those special reminders don't we? God does that all the time with us when He gives us something special over and above what He normally does. . . just because He loves us.

So, keep your eyes open. Break up the patterns and perspectives that can keep you from seeing the obvious right in front of you. You might be surprised at all the new things you discover. And now, I'm going to go watch a playoff game . . . that is if I can find the remote.