Do You Require Church When Family Members Balk?

There's a now oft-told story about a woman who opens the door of the bedroom and says, "John, you need to get up and get ready for church." To which John replies, "I don't want to go to church."

"You have to go," the woman replies. "But I tell you I don't want to. No one likes me, church is boring and I'd rather be at home. Give me three reasons why I should go."

"Well," the woman says, "One, going will make you a better person, two, there are people there expecting you and three, you're the pastor of the church."

Perhaps you're not dealing with the pastor not wanting to go to church but it's one of your kids. What do you do? Do you force them? Do you make them go and hate it? What if they're almost eighteen and you're trying to help them learn to make their own decisions?

First of all there are things that kids still living in your home under the age of eighteen really don't have the right to decide and in my opinion one of those is church attendance. Ideally, wise parents make church an important part of their home and family experience starting when the kids are little. Often that will help those children to want and expect to go as long as they are at home.

And yet we know that kids will often still balk at church attendance for a variety of reasons and I encourage parents to address the reasons before they consider letting a student stay home.

Maybe the options provided aren't very good ones - poor student ministry leadership or no programs per se. Perhaps there has been a relationship struggle with someone or a certain group that needs addressing. If that's the case then work on changing those things.

Go help with the student ministry. Help your son or daughter navigate the relational issues.  Meet with the teacher or student leaders to get more insight on what might be done to improve things. Start by being proactive.

Second, consider that there may be a spiritual issue. Perhaps your child doesn't have a relationship with God. Maybe they're unsure how to grow spiritually or has received some flack from friends about Christianity. Spend some time with them talking about spiritual things and listening to their questions. Maybe you could read something together that will help you both learn.

Third, learn to worship together. Tell your kids that you're going to discuss the message later and would like their thoughts. Model for them your active and passionate involvement in the music, prayer and teaching. Let them see your faith in action!

Finally, be patient.  Most kids have times of wondering, rebelling and needing to make your faith their faith. They will grumble, pout and question at times. Don't let deter you from parenting them and pointing them to Christ. Someday they might still reject their faith but Proverbs 22:6 reminds us that when we train them well the odds go way up.

And letting them stay home doesn't usually help those odds.

Five Things I Would Do Before My Kids Started School

School is just weeks or even days away now, isn't it? Yep, most parents are saying, "Where did summer go? How can school be here already?" And many of them add, "And I'm SO ready!"

Whatever your emotional response is this fall, let me suggest five practical things I would be sure to do this year before the kids head off to that first day of class. They aren't rocket surgery as I like to say, but they just might make a big difference this year:

1. Pray. Yep, just pray for your kids. Thank God for them, confess that you probably can do better as a parent at times, then pray specifically. Pray for their teacher(s), their friends. Pray for their school, safety every day and for them to be able to be themselves whether it's in the classroom on the field, in the practice room or just having a good time. Pray that they will make a difference in someone else's life and not be impacted by the often cruel and mean comments of others.

There is lots to pray for. You know best what your child needs so pray to God for it.

2. Commit to less hovering this year. Yes, you know who you are, the parent who has to know everything their child does every moment, who fights all their battles for them and thinks that one taste of unhealthy food will kill them. You're the parent who practically does your child's homework lest they not get an A and who won't let them sit and waste one moment not being productive.

Of course, I'm not suggesting that we ignore out kids and give them free rein on everything. But sometimes we just need to let our kids be kids and quit demanding some sort of perfection out of them or fearing that their weaknesses will somehow reflect on us.

3.  Picture yourself spending more quality, meaningful time with your kids apart from their activities and commitments. Think of some ways now that you're going to program in time with your kids - time for a lunch together, a family getaway, some personal time each week, whatever.  Think about the ages of your kids. How many times will you get to do this age over?  The answer is easy. Zero. No mulligans.

What is it this year that you don't want to let the tyranny of the urgent cause you to miss? I remember that when he was 13 I started climbing mountains with our son Tim. Sure we could have waited until later and maybe started earlier but I knew that thirteen was going to be a prime age for us to begin.  I'm so glad we didn't miss that year and the years of climbing that followed.

4.  Figure out how to slow yourself down. Part of the reason we miss special moments (and I'm not talking here about being at every game or practice - that's nuts) is because WE are too busy. We have no margin for more. So what will you give up or put aside for a time that will free you to enjoy your kids more and really spend the quality, special time I talked about in #3? Answer that question NOW.

5.  Finally, I would have a heart to heart talk with your kids about the first four things. Let them know that while the activities and opportunities they have are still important, your time with them is more important. Tell them that you want to model what you hope they will do with their kids someday and be more than a spectator or helicopter parent.

Explain that you are going to make some memories this year that they will never forget, not necessarily because they are so big or special, but because you will be together.

Lovingly let them know that your being their parent isn't just a spectator sport. It takes work and you're going to be working at it as much as anyone. 

Why Your Kids' Teachers Are Heroes . . . At Least Most of Them

Recently we took three of our grandsons to one of their favorite science museums. But as we drove into the parking lot we saw bus after bus parked end to end and knew that meant one thing . . . school field trips and lots of them. Kids would be everywhere.

Sure enough there were lots of elementary and middle school students walking through the exhibits with their teachers herding, guiding and cajoling as kids that age do what they do. And I was reminded that these teachers do this every day and it is not easy.

Are there crummy, incompetent teachers out there? Of course. I have had some here and there from elementary to graduate school. But there are way more who in their own way are stellar making a difference in our lives and the lives of our children.

Sure there are lousy teachers just like there are lousy employees in most professions. No teacher is perfect either. It irritates me, having been a teacher of all kinds much of my life, when parents have to have a certain special teacher and obnoxiously demand their kids have only "the best." The best ones aren't only those who turn our kids into academic superstars, however. In fact if that's all they do they aren't necessarily the best.

Let me suggest what a great teacher is and does:

Great teachers love and respect our kids as individuals. They don't expect everyone in their class to look, perform or respond the same. They get excited when a child has a unique talent and then they get to help them develop it. They care about the brightest and those more average. Each one matters to great teachers.

Great teachers see potential and they don't give up. My tenth and eleventh grade English teacher was the toughest in the school. And during my sophomore year I hoped to God that I would only have her one year. Not to be. She was my guide for half of my high school education. But Mrs. G never quit on me and plowed the foundation for me to learn and love writing like I do today. There must have been days when she thought there was no hope for me but she looked ahead not back.

Great teachers build relationships along with enforcing their rules. Classes need structure and students will require discipline. But every kid needs someone who knows and cares about them. How many young people have no parent that cares and no one to simply listen to them? Teachers can help fill the gap and provide some needed affirmation missing from home. Not every child will let them get close but they try anyway.

So as the school year begins again, how about praying now for your kids' teachers and thanking God together for them. Many families of course will never thank these heroes personally or will wait twenty years to realize how important they were to them. Your words of appreciation during the year will also mean more to them than you can know and you will remind those special leaders that their passion for teaching really has been worth it.

Lessons in Love From a McDonald's Manager

Recently I visited a Michigan Mc Donald's to pick up some food to take out. And I was not there long to see that most of the help, even those behind the counter, were people with special needs. I found myself wondering how that might work especially with customers on a tight schedule who were likely in a hurry.

Would these people working take longer? Would anyone care? What if they made a mistake or couldn't figure out what to do next?

I soon found out. The sweet woman waiting on me was very pleasant but it took her longer to find things on the cash register. Several times she needed help. I wasn't in a hurry and would like to think I would not have cared about her slowness even if I was.

What impressed me next and most however was her manager. She was amazing. She was holding down the busy drive-thru lane but graciously moved away from her work theree and helped the woman in my line or anyone else.

She always treated her team with respect and spoke kindly. She never openly showed frustration or exasperation. She was a saint.

I think we can all learn from her no matter who we are dealing with and especially in our own homes.

We can first speak graciously and kindly.  We all have weaknesses, faults and make mistakes. We need to still treat each other with respect, honor and forgiveness. Jesus said to love others the way we love ourselves.

My wife and I just faced one of the worst weekends of our life with an extended family member and realized how cruel people can be with their words especially. The damage can be destructive.

But we can all also look for the best in people. That McDonald's manager did just that and she is making a difference in lives. Even with our spouses or children we can always want more rather than be thankful for and bless the good in them. Does that mean we overlook the negatives? Of course not.

This woman leader corrected her help every time but encouraged them as she did it. We must do the same. All salt and no sugar eventually leads to sour.

Who in your world needs to be treated with more love, dignity and grace?  Start today honoring, encouraging and blessing them with your words and actions even when you have to say hard things. Remember God does the same with us every day.

To Have Great Kids Start Early

So if you could describe the third-grader or middle school student, teenage or adult you would like your child to be what words would you use? Polite, self-controlled, kind to others, honest, obedient, God-honoring?  I'm sure we could make pretty long lists and many of us would include the same words.

Why?  Because they are words that describe the character, attitudes and actions we know make up great people, those who get along well with others, succeed in life and serve God by doing things that matter.

The problem is that many parents think these qualities will just appear in their children one day. In the meantime they wait for the child to get older before they try to instill and develop those qualities in their offspring. That is a huge mistake.

If you want your children to exhibit certain behaviors and attitudes start when they are little and I mean little. Yes, children are different in both personality and development so we can't all expect the same results at the same ages. Some kids push us harder than others and have a stronger will to resist the direction we want to give them.

In fact, that is why a lot of parents just give up and don't stay with training their kids in the way they should go because frankly it's just hard. But please don't make your child being a challenge an excuse for not digging the soil deep for planting personal seeds for their future.

We were just with our daughter Amy, her husband David and their two boys for eight or nine days. However, the youngest, Silas, who is just twenty-months, would regularly say thank you when he was given something. Twenty months. But that didn't just happen. They have a boy who is learning to be polite and they are helping him to it. In fact, their oldest, now almost four, has been learning politeness for a long time now.

Are those boys perfect?  Of course not and we cannot expect that. But too many parents simply do not try to build character qualities into their children early in their development assuming they can't learn these things. They can amd they will if we'll be actively involved.

And when your children push back, especially the strong ones, then yes they will require more repetition, reminders and practice. Your timeframe for success will be longer but it will be worth it. Don't quit.

Of course other factors are important such as modeling, family atmosphere and parenting styles. We parents must practice what we preach. But when we put intentional training along with natural modeling we are far more likely to have children who actually become what we've hoped and prayed for.

So start early.

Who's Really Raising Your Kids?

Outside of our second story condo are lots of trees and some birdfeeders. We get all sorts of birds to watch, some colorful, some annoying and all of them quite hungry most of the time. However, recently we've had some cowbirds poke around or at least try to get into  feeders that they really don't even fit in but they work at it anyway.

Interestingly my wife recently discovered something unusual about how cowbirds care for their young.  They typically deposit their eggs in the nests of other birds and leave them there for these rogue parents to take care of. How sad. A momma is going to have these cute little babies but in essence doesn't really care that much if she is involved with them.

Now I'm sure no human parents would ever think of dropping their kids off at someone else's house to raise (though we had moments) but I wonder if some parents are more like cowbirds than they want to admit.

For example, do we let the church do most of the spiritual training of our children?  We expect the church to teach them Bible stories, life concepts and what it means to truly follow Jesus. We expect the church or other Christian organization to provide all their special faith-building activities, missions trips and social gatherings.  And so we drop them off in the nests of other leaders and hope for the best.

But Deuteronomy 6 reminds us that this training is to come from the everyday lives and actions of us, the real parents. Don't give it all  away to someone else.

Or, do we let other adults really do most of the parenting, disciplining and rule - setting?  Sure we have our guidelines but we don't push them too hard. We want our kids to like us, think we're just as cool as them and are the parents that all the kids think are the best!  So we look the other way, let things slide and then wonder why our kids don't really listen to us anymore.

Or if we're a single parent we may believe that we're just warring against the different standards of our ex so why try?  God still asks us to be the parent, train up our children well and teach them that life isn't all about them.

Third, do we let culture ultimately parent our kids. We allow TV, movies, and other social mores determine their morality. We rarely talk with them about what it means to be pure, holy and godly even when others around them are not. We also may find ourselves letting most of our own rules and habits slide explaining that it's really no big deal.

But it is a big deal. Kids do absorb what they hear and are taught everyday.  We as parents can and must be the central purveyor of truth and righteous living in our homes. There will always be an onslaught of ideas that our kids will face but we can help them learn to still stand for the truth, especially after they leave our homes.

So don't put your kids in some other nest or nests to raise.  God gave us this wonderful opportunity to shape the hearts and minds of our kids for good and to help them be all God made them to be.  And frankly, no other bird, no matter the species, can do that better than us!

What Gets You Results As A Parent?

I'll bet you've had a scenario something like this one. Little Ryan needs to go to bed but he's playing with his favorite game. So you respond, "Ryan, it's time for you to finish your game, pick up your toys and head for bed." Ryan replies of course, "OK, mom, just a minute. I have to finish this last level."

So you give him some grace for a few minutes and then try again. "Ryan, it's time for bed. I'll be in there in a minute and when I come you need to have things picked up."  "OK, mom."

You know where I'm going with this, right?  You and Ryan go back and forth several more times until finally you (or your spouse if you're married) explodes, "Ryan, pick up your toys right now and get your butt into your bedroom!!"  Ryan finally knows that you're serious and heads for his room, the toys still on the floor. He's perhaps crying or at best now scared and the rest of your time is tense and difficult.

Sadly, what got Ryan to finally move was not a willingness to obey or a predetermined, healthy pattern of responding. No, he finally did what he was told because you got angry enough. And who taught him that this was how it works. You did. I've done it too. We've sent the message loud and clear that our kids do not have to really obey us until we reach a certain boiling point.

And as a result we suffer and so do they.

The good news is that there is a better way. We must make our actions not our anger the trigger for them to act. For example, if Ryan doesn't respond the way we want him to at an appropriate and reasonable time, then we must act in a way that convinces him we are serious. This doesn't require being mean or hitting him. But it does mean that we must help move him to action.

Some options . . . "Ryan, do you want to walk into your bedroom or should one of us carry you?" might be a next question. It could mean picking up the game right then and seeing that he puts it away after he takes it out of your hand. It could involve some other options like, "Ryan, you can either go right now to your room and get changed or tomorrow night you will go to bed thirty minutes earlier."

There are lots of ways to do this and they will differ depending upon the child's age, size and personality. The key is that you do something that requires he act and not stall.  With younger children it's wise to give them a pre-obedience phase where perhaps you set the timer on your phone or microwave to ring letting him know that there is a deadline but he has some acceptable time before he must respond.  Make sure that  your expectations, whatever they are, are also age-appropriate.

With teens, you will want to use the options idea more than most because you obviously can't pick them up. Nonetheless, the same principles are true.

The key is letting our actions do the talking not our anger. You will get far better results, harm your kids less and sleep better later that night!

Help Your Kids See Stars . . . And Other Awesome Wonders

We are privileged to live in Austin, Texas where we on average receive three hundred days a year where the sun shines. That means we have a lot of cloudless nights. And even with the city lights on around us, hundreds of stars, planets and the moon are visible most evenings.

In fact, a couple of times a month the space shuttle will fly over our part of the country for a few minutes each morning or night and we'll go out and watch it go by. (Some would suggest we need to get out more if that's our idea of fun).

And during those shuttle watches we are always amazed by the bigness of just what we can see in the Heavens from our little corner of the world. It's hard to imagine how much more is out there in the universe.

I've heard that scientists have discovered a star that is supposedly 265 times bigger than our sun and some ten millions times brighter.  Just one star!  Add to that all the light years of distance that the scientists have estimated and the black holes that appear to have no end to their depth.

I'm pretty convinced that we as parents need to remind our children of that bigness around us and help them to stop long enough to see it and experience it now and then. Sometimes parents of faith wonder how they can teach the deep spiritual truths about God to their children. Here's one pretty powerful method.  Take them outside some evening and look at the solar system. Lay on your backs and stare up at the heavens.  Get out of the city and enjoy it all even more.

Go to a planetarium, watch an eclipse of the moon, look for shooting stars. Learn more about the magnitude and incredible order that exists out there. And if you're a Christian family, spend some time praying to the God who you are confident made it all. Read some Scripture about the creation. I'm pretty sure it will be a worshipful time.

In fact, because young children are usually pretty fascinated by new things they will probably be quite impressed both that you took some time with them and that sky around them is so amazing. Give it a try. You'll find yourself pretty awestruck too!

Parenting on the Straight and "Arrow"

I'm sitting here at my desk looking at a stack of pictures of our grandkids we've taken the past of couple of weeks during the Christmas holidays. What special memories and moments those photos represent! I wouldn't trade one of those times for anything.

I am also beaming with pride over my children and their spouses who I see so diligently and passionately trying to raise those precious little ones with godly wisdom and practical insight. They reminded me once again of how important being intentional is when it comes to pursuing effective parenting.

Psalm 127:3, 4 say that our children are a reward and heritage from God. In one of the few Psalms written by Solomon we read, "Like arrows in the hands of a warrior" are the children born to us when we are young. That image of our children being arrows is one that we as parents can learn from and must not miss.

First of all, remember that part of our parenting involves a battle. I wish it weren't true but there are lots of powers out there fighting for our kids' attention and minds - the media, advertisers, writers, policiticians and the like. We must help our kids face and respond to all sorts of wrong thinking and misguided approaches to life that they will encounter during their lives in our homes and beyond.

While we certainly should also teach our kids to love others, be like Jesus and respond to even those who disagree with grace and kindness, we must also help them to stand for what is right, good and holy. Don't leave their strength and battle-ready training to someone else.

Second, the Psalm writer's picture of an archer reminds us that the warrior must prepare for battle and know how to use the weapons he or she has been given. Unfortunately, when that new child enters our home the baby doesn't come with an owner's manual! Our training as parents largely comes from the home we grew up in and that may or may not have been that great of a learning center. Even if we had a terrific home, the skills we might use to parent weren't always that obvious during our growing up years.

It would have been nice if someone would have told us how to perform the day to day parenting tasks, too, especially during the most challenging of times.

Thankfully, there are ways to learn how to parent better - books, church classes, mentors, blogs like this one and a host of other resources. If you're struggling with your parenting, no matter what age your children are, seek out some help from wise counselors, friends, pastors and others who you respect. There are many ideas and tools out there that you can apply to your situation if you'll just take the time to seek them out.

Third, the archer must not only shoot the arrow. It must be aimed! This is where we must become intentional and not just let life in our home happen. Ask yourself, what is it that we (or I) believe God wants me to accomplish with my kids? Make a list. Then ask yourself, what am I intentionally doing right now to point my children in that direction? Am I shooting my parenting arrows toward the target?

I've talked about some of this in earlier posts so go back and read some of the other entries in this blog regarding spiritual training, discipline and character building. However, the bottom line is take time to plan how you're going to train your children in the way they should go. (Proverbs 22:6). Yes, many things are taught and caught through how we live out everyday life.

However, sometimes we have to go further. For example, when our kids were entering middle school or so, we did what we called their 13 Year Old Challenge. Over the course of the year we designed a one-year program that encouraged them to develop physically, socially, intellectually/emotionally and spiritually. We gave them a list of books to read. There was a job-shadowing list where they got experience in the work world and a taste of what they might like to do someday.

Ironically, our son Tim chose to spend one of his days with the manager of a local Christian radio station. Guess what he does for a living today? You never know. We also provided spiritual growth opportunities that would help them deepen their faith. At the end was a financial incentive as well that matched the amount of money we encouraged them to save during that year. While it wasn't a perfect idea, we do know that both of our kids benefitted from that exercise and we sensed that we were targeting some very specific objectives in each child's maturation process.

If you're a parent God gave you an arrow or two or three to shoot in a direction that will make a difference. How's your target practice going? Wherever you are in your parenting it's never too late to start shooting straighter. Pull back the string and see what happens!