Do You Require Church When Family Members Balk?

There's a now oft-told story about a woman who opens the door of the bedroom and says, "John, you need to get up and get ready for church." To which John replies, "I don't want to go to church."

"You have to go," the woman replies. "But I tell you I don't want to. No one likes me, church is boring and I'd rather be at home. Give me three reasons why I should go."

"Well," the woman says, "One, going will make you a better person, two, there are people there expecting you and three, you're the pastor of the church."

Perhaps you're not dealing with the pastor not wanting to go to church but it's one of your kids. What do you do? Do you force them? Do you make them go and hate it? What if they're almost eighteen and you're trying to help them learn to make their own decisions?

First of all there are things that kids still living in your home under the age of eighteen really don't have the right to decide and in my opinion one of those is church attendance. Ideally, wise parents make church an important part of their home and family experience starting when the kids are little. Often that will help those children to want and expect to go as long as they are at home.

And yet we know that kids will often still balk at church attendance for a variety of reasons and I encourage parents to address the reasons before they consider letting a student stay home.

Maybe the options provided aren't very good ones - poor student ministry leadership or no programs per se. Perhaps there has been a relationship struggle with someone or a certain group that needs addressing. If that's the case then work on changing those things.

Go help with the student ministry. Help your son or daughter navigate the relational issues.  Meet with the teacher or student leaders to get more insight on what might be done to improve things. Start by being proactive.

Second, consider that there may be a spiritual issue. Perhaps your child doesn't have a relationship with God. Maybe they're unsure how to grow spiritually or has received some flack from friends about Christianity. Spend some time with them talking about spiritual things and listening to their questions. Maybe you could read something together that will help you both learn.

Third, learn to worship together. Tell your kids that you're going to discuss the message later and would like their thoughts. Model for them your active and passionate involvement in the music, prayer and teaching. Let them see your faith in action!

Finally, be patient.  Most kids have times of wondering, rebelling and needing to make your faith their faith. They will grumble, pout and question at times. Don't let deter you from parenting them and pointing them to Christ. Someday they might still reject their faith but Proverbs 22:6 reminds us that when we train them well the odds go way up.

And letting them stay home doesn't usually help those odds.

Teach Your Kids About Their "Selfie Image" - It Matters.

Ok, so selfies, those pictures people with smart phones take of themselves, are going to be the rage for a while. And of course, some of them are obnoxious while others are actually quite cool. Well, I've not taken one of those cool ones yet but I'm working on it.

But their popularity does beg the question, especially with our children, are they helping our kids gain a healthy view of themselves? I heard one sports commentator talking about child sports stars wisely say, "There is a difference between being self aware and self-absorbed." He is SO right.

If we're not careful we will continue to develop another generation (and they're not the first) of kids who are far more self-absorbed than self-aware. And it won't be just because of selfies.  Much of the problem will lie with us parents who continue to feed their egos without modeling an alternative perspective.

How?

First, we require that they be productive and successful all the time.They are in a sport or learning activity every season, always competing and pushed into winning much of the time. It would be nice if the many camps for kids were merely about expanding their experiences and opportunities but we know better. For most players, parents and coaches they want more activities so their kids will be better athletes or musicians or cheerleaders and so they will win more.

And we do much of it in the name of self-awareness when all we're doing is adding to their being self-absorbed.

Second, we often model the same tendencies ourselves. More and more parents are even quitting their jobs or at least altering their lifestyle and free time in major ways so they can run more marathons, become an American Ninja or get multiple martial arts belts. The not so sports minded ones get more degrees, ascend the ladder at work or decide to climb the world's tallest mountains.

And of course there is nothing wrong with having a big goal or two and going for it. But when it becomes an obsession, and for so many it is just that, we start to become as absorbed with us as our kids do and they notice.

Third, a lessening of our attention on the spiritual and emotional usually accompanies these obsessive tendencies. No, people don't typically reject their faith or become jerks (though a few do) but they just don't place as much important on the less obvious, the things that don't impress others outwardly as much. There usually isn't a radical change but rather a slow move away from the things that matter most to the things that are about us.

Fourth, we don't speak against the cultural affirmations of self-absorption. The selfie prophets are everywhere preaching that we're number one - in movies, on television, in grocery-store magazines and even school. And while we shouldn't be strident or obnoxious about it, we do need to have frank discussions with our kids about why giving ourselves away produces far more fulfillment than always being focused on us.

Yes, everyone needs to know that they are important and matter but the real truths about self-worth can't be found in stuff, accomplishments or accolades. That comes from the God who made us.

So, sure, enjoy a selfie now and then with your kids. Just be careful that you and your family don't get too much selfie confidence. 

Red Flag Tensions in Mate Finding To Share With Your Kids

I've seen a few helpful lists online recently that suggest things to teach our children to look for or avoid in the person they marry. And most of them seem pretty accurate, worth talking to your kids about.

However, let me take a slightly different approach and discuss what I would call the tensions that must be addressed when embracing or rejecting a particular characteristic one sees in a potential mate. What I want to suggest is that even too much of a good thing may be as unhealthy and destructive as an abundance of a negative quality.

For example, let's say that someone is very careful about how they spend money. That sounds like a good quality and probably is. But what if their frugality becomes obsessive to the point where they never spend money for fun, for enjoyment, for special moments or for the spouse to use as they feel led?

It seems to me that we need to also help our children in selecting their future mate to prayerfully and wisely look at the whole spectrum of a person's qualities and be willing to admit that this person may have too much of a seemingly good thing. There may be some underlying need that causes that person to be overly positive which can ultimately become destructive and demoralizing.

Of course in every marriage there will be differences that we must learn to love and appreciate. No two people will ever be a perfect match. But let me suggest several spectra that I often see in marriages where that tension I'm talking about should have been considered and monitored. And let's face it some things can be hidden well but perhaps these suggestions will give you and your kids a place to start looking.

Do they have a sense of humor?  Or can they not stand humor and more specifically yours?

Do they care about the things of God, being like Jesus and their personal faith?  Or can they talk about nothing else so that they are really "of no earthly good?"

Do they talk to you?  Or do they ever stop talking period?

Do they love themself in appropriate ways?  Or are they the only person they care about?

Are they motivated, hard working and industrious?  Or is getting to the top their ultimate goal ahead of you and everything else?

Do they love children?  Or are they basically still a child and likely not going to change?

Do they share their emotions freely?  Or are they a loose cannon who hurts you and others with their feelings and words?

Are they careful and wise?  Or do they actually live in irrational fear most of the time?

Are they nice? Or are they actually just covering up deeper anger, resentment and bitterness?

Are they honest about their mistakes and faults?  Or are only concerned with yours?

There are lots more.  Let me encourage you to think of some that you might add to the list. Remind your kids that this is why they need to take time to get to know someone for a while. The real person doesn't show up on one or two dates or even in a couple of months of knowing someone. Make sure they see this person in a variety of settings.

And no, living together rarely helps this process. Playing house typically covers up or masks any real discernment about the other person under the guise of phony commitment.

When our kids do the hard work of pondering, experiencing and getting to know each other they have far more hope for success and a relationship that is all they hoped it would be from the first time they even considered marriage. Help them mom and dad. Give them some tools they need. I hope this might be one of them.

YOLO . . . A Hidden Danger In Your Family

I'm sure you've at least heard about it if not having had it already impact your home. It's a current slang acrostic that unfortunately is leading many young people to do things almost unimagineable to many. And sadly, many of their parents, perhaps you, are looking the other way or saying to themselves, "Yep, that's not that big of a deal."

What is it?  It's something called YOLO. It's an acrostic that stands for , You only live once. 

Now on the one hand that little phrase could be an inspiring and positive one. But usually it or ones like it have been give a quite different application. Most have meant something more like this: You only have one life to live so make the most of it. It has challenged people to serve God, not get caught up in things that don't matter and use one's gifts and talents for the eternal more than the temporary.

Today, however, YOLO has become the mantra for: do anything, even if its risky, because you'll never get another chance. Unfortunately, anything has led to young kids having sex, sending suggestive, even nude, pictures to each other, more drinking binges, bullying and scores of other dangerous actions toward themselves or others. It has become the free pass to lower one's standards, not take the high road.

Granted, some would say that much of this has been going on for centuries in some form or another. And they would be right. But first, does that make it OK?  And second, are we going to accept this behavior happening in upper elementary school and middle school now?  And third, do we care that more and more parents who call themselves Christians are also looking the other way and making excuses for their children? The results of YOLO today are kids ruining their lives and reputations and in some cases going to jail or juvenile detention centers.

The idea of morality and character no matter what have dwindled to dangerously low priorities for even homes where families at least say that God matters in their homes.

But wise parents will stop and ask, What must we do in our home at least to avoid a YOLO mentality?

First, we must open our eyes. This is probably happening in your child's school - today, this year, right now. Find out what you can and help your kids to navigate the challenges it brings. Start with them as young as possible where appropriate. Talk about it. Monitor their phone and computer usage. Check out parties and sleepovers before you let them attend.

Second, teach your kids a better way. Explain why they are not missing out when they don't jump on the social bandwagon to do the same things others do. Give them responses to use that will keep them loving, able to still be friends with many kids and yet able to say "no."

Third, model a Christ-like lifestyle. Make serving and helping others the norm. Be sure that your kids aren't just getting huge doses of the world's thinking that everything is alright, that marriage and healthy relationships are a thing of the past and that getting more and looking better are the answer to everything. Take your learning from church, Bible study and other godly input and help your kids apply it to life.  Look at your own life, too, and ask, "What am I modeling for my kids that may be helping them think and act the way they do?"

We really do only live once. But let's help our kids to make the most of that life, not the least.

Best Parenting Teen Ideas - part 2

I've learned over the years why God made teenagers. To punish us parents for the way we acted as children. OK, maybe that's not his purpose but it sure seems reasonable.

But let's face it one of our big struggles is that we simply don't know what they're going to do much of the time and frankly they don't either. They have these maturing, growing bodies facing all sorts of unknowns, peer pressures and challenges. But they typically don't have the emotional strength to handle all that. That's why they have melt downs or act out doing crazy things or take huge risks in order to be accepted.

So how do we as parents deal with them during these tough years while still enjoying the healthy spreading of their wings that will lead them to true independence?

First, we need to do a lot of talking and listening. Unfortunately if your kids are already teens and you haven't worked at this prior to adolescence the task will be much harder. Nonetheless, make times and relatively easy opportunities to just talk. Eat meals together, do some things alone, make conversations about hard things something normal not weird.

And don't buy into the silent treatment. Do not allow for doors to be slammed and for them to just walk away from any conversation. As I mentioned in my part one blog options are important. So do the same regarding conversation. You can say things like, "Ryan, you may not want to talk right at the moment, but when we get home (or in the morning or whatever) we need to have some time to talk about last night (or about your trip or whatever)."

When it's all said and done they need to learn to talk and really want to be heard and understood.

Second, let them know that you will keep your word. You don't have to be a tyrant but make it clear if you haven't already that if there is a curfew time you will hold them to it, expect them to call or meet whatever other boundaries you set. When you do this on the little things you'll be much more likely to be taken seriously on the bigger ones.

Even teens need to learn to keep rules and meet expectations. Yes, they should be given more freedoms as they get older but only if they're earning that freedom along the way. Our son was told that he had to call if he was going to be late and I told him I would be one of two places if he didn't call - in the car looking for him or on the phone with the police, especially if I thought that was warranted.

Not two weeks later we had an incident and I met him in my car in the middle of the street as he returned significantly late.  I was looking for him. I didn't yell, berate or give greater punishment than he deserved. But he knew I was serious about both discipline and looking out for him.  We didn't have a problem with lateness after that.

Too many parents don't take the time to do the hard work of both communicating effectively or setting reasonable boundaries and keeping them. You can be your kids' friend AND their parent but the parenting part always has to come first. And if you do that the friendship part will be even richer and stronger later when they're an adult.

When Kids Think They're Ready For Adulthood

Ryan was a junior in high school. Worked for decent grades, rarely got in trouble and was well liked. However, at home he was starting to push harder on his parents to have more freedom, to be more independent. He had begun asking that the curfew be taken away, that he be able to make even more of his decisions without parental advisement and that he not have to always let mom and dad know where he was.

Of course his parents were leery of giving him that much freedom even though they knew that soon he would have to be given all the freedom he was desiring and more.

It's important to understand that Ryan was actually being normal and when it's all said and done seeking a good thing - adulthood. The challenge is how to let our children begin to swim in that pool without just throwing them in.

The wise parent will try to do a couple of things.  First of all, give your children some gradual addition of freedoms and responsibilities. Especially as they move through high school begin to introduce some ways that they can feel a bit more adult. Perhaps instead of removing the curfew you can just extend it a little more. When it comes time to buying clothes you might give them so much money to spend themselves and see how much they can purchase for that amount. It's a great time to teach them some of your favorite getting a bargain tricks.

Second, be sure they understand that becoming an adult has responsibilities with it. For example, if they think they're old enough to work and get a part-time job, let them contribute something to help with the household expenses. Of course it may not be much but they'll learn that freedom isn't really free in everyday life. Make sure that once they're making money (or having their allowance increased) that they need to also save a certain portion.

Third, expect them to relate more and more to you like an adult.  Many kids do this pretty naturally but some will not. They can improve in their communication skills by being expected to stay and talk with you, share details, let you know when they will be there for meals, etc.  Healthy adults know what common courtesies are and your kids can learn those too.  If they want to have their room look the way they want it, fine, but then treat them like a resident.

That means they do all their own laundry, cleaning, etc. unless you agree upon a different arrangement.  You get the idea. We must teach our kids that being an adult is a good thing, but it also will take some real growing up on their part not just enjoying a free ride.

Best Parenting Ideas With Your Teen - Part 1

The other night we were on an evening boat cruise here in Austin.  In front of us was a mother, father and two teenage daughters, one of which clearly didn't want to be there.  We've all seen it - the arms crossed, constant frown, rolling of the eyes while trying to let everyone around her know that she was totally miserable.

Of course, the answer was easy.  Throw her overboard.

OK, maybe that wouldn't be the best option but dealing with an emotionally challenged teen is rarely simple.  And while our adolescents come in all sizes, personalities, and ways of reacting there are a few ideas we've tried that can help in parenting a teenager or two depending upon the situation.

First, give options when you can.  This tactic is a carryover from the elementary years just taken to a new and broader level.  When kids are 7 - 8 there are usually fewer options than when they become teens but the concept is the same.  Maybe the princess on our cruise the other night had said, "I'm not going on some stupid boat trip!  That is SO lame."

Options might be, "Well, you can either stay in a hot car for the next 90 minutes while we go or you can join us out on the lake and suffer spending some time with us.  Which works best for you?"  ( I have found that brief humor helps sometimes - not them, but me!)

Or, "Honey, you are going because we're on vacation and we're the parents.  This may not be your favorite thing but you have one of two options - be miserable, but not spoil the rest of the time for us or the other people on the boat or make the most of it and try to enjoy it for 90 minutes.  Which do you want to do because there are no other options."

Giving options of course can involve clothing, activities, how things get done, etc.  When our kids would ask us something rather spontaneously when we'd not had time to think about it we would use this line:  "If you need an answer right now, the answer is no.  If you can wait 15 minutes (or whatever time needed) the answer is maybe. Which of those would you like to go with?"

Or, "No you can't wear that outfit, period, but you can choose from these.  Take your pick."

"Mom, everyone's going for pizza right now and Allison wants to know if I can ride with her."  Let's say that riding with Allison is not ok for some reason.  You might say, "Well, you can't ride with Allison but there are several other possibilities.  If you can wait 20 minutes we'll drive you or you can drive on your own or [fill in the blank].  Why don't you decide which of those options you'd prefer."

I'm not suggesting you won't get a fight but your child will first of all learn that this is how you do things in these situations and second they will more likely feel like they still have some choice in the matter.

You see, choices help develop their already developing mind. Their thinking is moving more from the objective to the subjective. They will need to learn that a lot of life is about choices and making the best ones.  So when we as parents give them practice with making choices in our own discipline structure we're actually helping them learn to think rather than just be told what to do. 

However, as I've suggested in other posts, you have to stay firm and not give in.  If you keep changing your mind because they whine or protest they'll learn that whining and protest work and you'll get  more of that from them every time.

And be sure to think about your choices ahead of time when you can.  Hear yourself actually saying the choices that you're prepared to offer. You'll become more creative and effective the more you can plan ahead!  I'll share some other ideas next time such as when a parent should actually consider pulling them out of the water. :)