Your Family And The Supreme Court Decision

It's been a few weeks now since the Supreme Court's landmark decision on same-sex marriages. Thousands of editorials and articles have been written, pro and con, and it seems like emotions have for now at least settled down somewhat.

Nonetheless, impassioned cries have come for pastors and churches to do everything from rise up as a mighty army to fight the decision and its implications to be more tolerant and accepting even though one may be opposed.

Those discussions and actions will continue for a long time I suspect.

But a question for families might be the more practical one to consider: what should Christian parents do and say to their kids about it?  Or should we just not talk about it? How do we prepare our families for the likely discussions they will encounter at work, in school or college this fall? How can we share what we believe to be God's truth while helping one another to respond to others in a Christlike fashion?

Let me suggest a couple ideas that could help.

First, if you're married work on your own marriage. Yes, boldly model what it means to have a healthy, growing, even thriving relationship in your house. Don't settle for OK. Show your kids how the two of you work at spending time together, having a vision for your long-term relationship and truly loving each other. So many kids today see mom and dad mostly as their taxi drivers and providers. Their parents have or experience little time for and with each other.

My hunch is that some of the most vocal Christians will be ones who spend little time, if any, improving and deepening their own marriage. We'll accomplish far more if we can make a case for and model a healthy heterosexual marriage.

Second, make sure you know the facts on the decision. Talk, yes, about what was decided but try to avoid all sorts of implications that we simply do not know will happen at this point. It's tempting to bemoan the possible changes in our culture, church or future decisions merely getting everyone worried rather than focusing on the present. There have already been numerous internet hoaxes of apparent actions taken as a result of the Supreme Court's decision. And of course, people jumped all over those, posted them to Facebook or Twitter and looked bad as a result.

Let's help our own families to learn the important lesson of getting the details first on anything before we assume the worst or some significant outcome.

Third, teach one another about speaking the truth in love and with grace.  As I've written elsewhere we can do our part to stand for the truth without becoming people others can't stand. Let's remind each other that we all make mistakes, that none of deserves God's grace and that there are sins that we all commit that also need forgiveness, love and someone to not reject us because of them.

What are our kids hearing come out of our mouths on this issue? What spirit do they sense behind our disagreement - bitterness, contempt and disdain or mercy, compassion and kindness?

Fourth, help one another with some cogent, respectable and meaningful replies to those who would espouse same-sex marriage. Learn to respond without anger or a demeaning spirit. Practice ways to invite an ongoing discussion and friendship, if possible, in spite of the fact that you disagree. Learn what Scripture says and doesn't say.  Because we love someone doesn't mean we must agree with them. Jesus loved a lot of people like that so we can too.

YOLO . . . A Hidden Danger In Your Family

I'm sure you've at least heard about it if not having had it already impact your home. It's a current slang acrostic that unfortunately is leading many young people to do things almost unimagineable to many. And sadly, many of their parents, perhaps you, are looking the other way or saying to themselves, "Yep, that's not that big of a deal."

What is it?  It's something called YOLO. It's an acrostic that stands for , You only live once. 

Now on the one hand that little phrase could be an inspiring and positive one. But usually it or ones like it have been give a quite different application. Most have meant something more like this: You only have one life to live so make the most of it. It has challenged people to serve God, not get caught up in things that don't matter and use one's gifts and talents for the eternal more than the temporary.

Today, however, YOLO has become the mantra for: do anything, even if its risky, because you'll never get another chance. Unfortunately, anything has led to young kids having sex, sending suggestive, even nude, pictures to each other, more drinking binges, bullying and scores of other dangerous actions toward themselves or others. It has become the free pass to lower one's standards, not take the high road.

Granted, some would say that much of this has been going on for centuries in some form or another. And they would be right. But first, does that make it OK?  And second, are we going to accept this behavior happening in upper elementary school and middle school now?  And third, do we care that more and more parents who call themselves Christians are also looking the other way and making excuses for their children? The results of YOLO today are kids ruining their lives and reputations and in some cases going to jail or juvenile detention centers.

The idea of morality and character no matter what have dwindled to dangerously low priorities for even homes where families at least say that God matters in their homes.

But wise parents will stop and ask, What must we do in our home at least to avoid a YOLO mentality?

First, we must open our eyes. This is probably happening in your child's school - today, this year, right now. Find out what you can and help your kids to navigate the challenges it brings. Start with them as young as possible where appropriate. Talk about it. Monitor their phone and computer usage. Check out parties and sleepovers before you let them attend.

Second, teach your kids a better way. Explain why they are not missing out when they don't jump on the social bandwagon to do the same things others do. Give them responses to use that will keep them loving, able to still be friends with many kids and yet able to say "no."

Third, model a Christ-like lifestyle. Make serving and helping others the norm. Be sure that your kids aren't just getting huge doses of the world's thinking that everything is alright, that marriage and healthy relationships are a thing of the past and that getting more and looking better are the answer to everything. Take your learning from church, Bible study and other godly input and help your kids apply it to life.  Look at your own life, too, and ask, "What am I modeling for my kids that may be helping them think and act the way they do?"

We really do only live once. But let's help our kids to make the most of that life, not the least.

Nobody Wants To Have The Sex Talk, Right?

OK, so we know it's coming but we really hope we can just skip it. Why can't our kids just stay little, innocent and without any urges? Why do we have to talk with our kids about sex when it just makes us red-faced, nervous and nauseous while we're pretty sure they're just as panicked.

Well, first consider the alternatives. They can just learn all their information on their own.  You know, get a healthy view of sexuality from TV, movies and their friends. Not likely. I have two words that should make you think twice about that . . . Charlie Sheen.

Or you can hand them a book and hope they will read it and understand it all.  And yes, they will probably devour that book, maybe even read it several times, but at some point their going to say . . . "What?  Are you kidding me? I thought . . . "  Don't they deserve a little more explanation?

So, while it's a challenge to broach this important subject there is something important and fulfilling about knowing you were likely the most influential person in helping your child understand the facts of life.  And it's important that you start fairly soon.

When?  I would suggest no later than ten or so depending upon your child of course.  But at ten they're starting to wonder and in this culture they are hearing things in school, on the street and of course through the media.  So it's better to risk being early than too late.

Since we had a boy and a girl, my wife and I each took part of a weekend away, her with our daughter and me with our son, and combined both fun and sex ed together.  We used one of a number of excellent sets of recorded talks out there that hit the basics of maturing, adolescence and of course sex.  They were designed to lead to questions and discussion ideas for the two of us to talk about.

It was nice having someone else get the process going rather than just dig in on our own.  We spread out the discussions over a couple of days of shopping, fun activities, swimming at the hotel and the like.  You can then follow up later with other materials that will help them as they mature more.

So is it time for you to set up a weekend or at least get the process started.  Do it whatever way you choose but go for it.  You'll help your kids know what it means to be human and they'll also see a little more humanity in you.  Remember, God made sex so help your kids see it as something special He made for us all to enjoy.

"The Third Component of Marital Intimacy"

"Last night Bob and Cheryl were intimate." When you read that statement what do you think it refers to? Of course, most people would suggest that it means they had sex. Who wouldn't? But why is it we don't consider the possibility that they had a deep discussion or were praying together?

Because we've been programmed to think that intimacy is only physical. But instead sex is only one component of total intimacy in a marriage. It's an important component, something beautiful that God invented, but it's still only a portion of the true intimacy I've tried to describe in the last several posts.

Nonetheless, let me talk about some practical ways to enhance physical intimacy in a marriage. First of all, become more intimate in soul and spirit. You'll have to go back a post or two to get my practical thoughts on the first two. However, let me simply say for now that you'll grow your sexual relationship with your spouse if you'll grow together in your soul and spirit.

God made these three elements of intimacy to work together not separately. When I work with couples and they have sexual issues I'm pretty sure that there isn't anything wrong with them physically. Of course it's always important to make sure the physical checks out. See your doctor to make sure.

But most likely there isn't a physical problem. It's typically a soul and spirit problem. Couples wonder why their romance has waned and often it's because they've become more distant personally. They rarely talk about meaningful things and most likely their spiritual enthusiasm is gone as well.

However, when two people begin to get closer together emotionally they want to be together more physically. That's why people of the opposite sex who aren't married have to be careful that they don't connect emotionally on a very deep level. It can draw them together in other inappropriate ways.

Second, keep romance interesting and creative. It will take some time but plan times away, try some new things and get out of old and tired habits. There are excellent and tasteful books out there that can give you fun ideas for dates and getaways. Write each other a love letter, go on a special date now and then and attend a marriage conference that will breathe some new life into your relationship.

Third, monitor your lifestyle. Fatigue, burnout and busyness are pretty ruthless killers of physical intimacy. It just becomes too much work to try anymore. In fact fatigue can wipe out many components of a healthy marriage such as communication so do some evaluation now and figure out to give yourselves some margin. Try turning off the TV more too.

Fourth, talk about it. Yes, talk about your intimacy, lack of it, or ways to improve. Be gracious, not condemning. Be honest, but sensitive. Express your desires, but don't be demanding.

The book of Song of Solomon seems to suggest that God invented sex and thinks it's pretty special. So let's give our physical relationships with our spouse that same kind of intention and attention. If we do, then along with spirit and soul intimacy, we'll enjoy the perfect triad of marital intimacy.