Your Family And The Supreme Court Decision

It's been a few weeks now since the Supreme Court's landmark decision on same-sex marriages. Thousands of editorials and articles have been written, pro and con, and it seems like emotions have for now at least settled down somewhat.

Nonetheless, impassioned cries have come for pastors and churches to do everything from rise up as a mighty army to fight the decision and its implications to be more tolerant and accepting even though one may be opposed.

Those discussions and actions will continue for a long time I suspect.

But a question for families might be the more practical one to consider: what should Christian parents do and say to their kids about it?  Or should we just not talk about it? How do we prepare our families for the likely discussions they will encounter at work, in school or college this fall? How can we share what we believe to be God's truth while helping one another to respond to others in a Christlike fashion?

Let me suggest a couple ideas that could help.

First, if you're married work on your own marriage. Yes, boldly model what it means to have a healthy, growing, even thriving relationship in your house. Don't settle for OK. Show your kids how the two of you work at spending time together, having a vision for your long-term relationship and truly loving each other. So many kids today see mom and dad mostly as their taxi drivers and providers. Their parents have or experience little time for and with each other.

My hunch is that some of the most vocal Christians will be ones who spend little time, if any, improving and deepening their own marriage. We'll accomplish far more if we can make a case for and model a healthy heterosexual marriage.

Second, make sure you know the facts on the decision. Talk, yes, about what was decided but try to avoid all sorts of implications that we simply do not know will happen at this point. It's tempting to bemoan the possible changes in our culture, church or future decisions merely getting everyone worried rather than focusing on the present. There have already been numerous internet hoaxes of apparent actions taken as a result of the Supreme Court's decision. And of course, people jumped all over those, posted them to Facebook or Twitter and looked bad as a result.

Let's help our own families to learn the important lesson of getting the details first on anything before we assume the worst or some significant outcome.

Third, teach one another about speaking the truth in love and with grace.  As I've written elsewhere we can do our part to stand for the truth without becoming people others can't stand. Let's remind each other that we all make mistakes, that none of deserves God's grace and that there are sins that we all commit that also need forgiveness, love and someone to not reject us because of them.

What are our kids hearing come out of our mouths on this issue? What spirit do they sense behind our disagreement - bitterness, contempt and disdain or mercy, compassion and kindness?

Fourth, help one another with some cogent, respectable and meaningful replies to those who would espouse same-sex marriage. Learn to respond without anger or a demeaning spirit. Practice ways to invite an ongoing discussion and friendship, if possible, in spite of the fact that you disagree. Learn what Scripture says and doesn't say.  Because we love someone doesn't mean we must agree with them. Jesus loved a lot of people like that so we can too.

Teaching Humility In a Bragging Culture

The halfback runs hard with the football tucked under his arm into the endzone. The crowd goes wild as he pounds his chest, points both thumbs at himself and prances his way back to the bench of adoring teammates.

The movie star receives her latest statue as part of the fifth award show in three months. She spends the next three minutes explaining how hard work, living her dream and believing in herself allowed her to accept this latest accolade.

Preening politicians, arrogant singers and even local well-knowns spend much of their time telling us in so many words how they deserve all the praise, money and attention they get. Their motto seems to be: take notice people, I'm here.

But compare that to the soldier walking off the airplane after 11 months or more in a Mideastern desert serving our country. He or she may have some well-wishers waiting and even get a round of applause from those nearby, but the only accolades important to them at that moment are the hugs and kisses from their spouse and kids. They don't need a trophy, ceremonial music or a medal. There is no prize money or subsequent movie or record deals awaiting them.

They humbly return home simply knowing they did their best serving their country. They are true heroes. They are the ones who can help teach us and our children how to truly be humble, to not require or demand praise and fame and to live for something bigger and more important than themselves.

And every time I see one of those reunions online or television I cry. I'm moved by their sacrifice, by their lack of self-adulation and how they model what is truly important. It's time for our country to start tiring of the endless award shows, cocky athletes and arrogant musicians who think that somehow they represent the values and attitudes of the country. They don't.

It's time for us to quit watching, quit applauding and quit indirectly asking for more of their boasting. Let's stop buying their products, going to some of their movies and voting for them to get another trophy.

And perhaps most important, let's make sure we point each other and our children toward those examples of soldiers, volunteers, missionaries, non-profit leaders and the like who do what they do not because it's about them, but rather about others.

That's humility . . . with a capital H.

Authenticity Isn't Overrated

I read this in a hotel room recently. . . . "Due to the popularity of our hotel room items, we have them for sale at the front desk."  In other words people are stealing the hotel blind and they don't want you to take their stuff anymore.  OK, fine, but it seems like they should have said that. Can't they just be honest?

I guess telling it like it is isn't that easy especially with those we love, but being genuine is pretty important as long as we do it wisely and graciously.  The New Testament in the Bible says it quite clearly,  Speak the truth in love.  You can't have one without the other. Truth without love can become inconsiderate arrogance while love without the truth is phony sentimentality. Healthy relationships need both aspects.

So let me offer a few guidelines about truth telling whether we're speaking to our spouse, kids or others close to us.  First, timing matters.  When you need to share from your heart take into account the location, who else is around and how long you actually have to talk. Mentioning your big hurt or need on the way into church simply won't work. And whatever  you do, don't use email or letters to say hard things. While it may be difficult it's always best to speak in person.

Second, talk only from your perspective not based on what you think the other person feels or knows.  Tell how you feel at that moment and explain what you need that would help you feel differently.  Don't blame, assume or try to convict. "I felt angry last night  . . . and needed this from you . . . " as opposed to, "You always have to get your own way, don't you?  You just think about yourself and no one else."

Third, be willing to be wrong.  Admit that perhaps you didn't have all the facts, have a blind spot that keeps you from seeing the whole picture or that you too have some things to work on.  Remember, your worth isn't on the line. Most people fight over generally unimportant things because they think they HAVE to win to be ok. You're not less of a person if the other person doesn't see things your way or you find out you simply blew it.

Spin is only for dancing, tops and cool sports moves. And when  you're my age . . . just forget it altogether. Definitely leave it out of your discussions and go confidently for the honest truth. Yes, the truth will set you free as Jesus said. Authenticity will make all the difference in whether your relationships are deep and lasting or not.