My Most Offensive Blog Ever . . . For Parents

Alright, let's just say it.  I'm going to offend many of you with the premise of this blog. Some of you might even quit reading my stuff. A few will wonder how I can be so misguided but I'll take my chances.

Because here's my observation. And like Simon Cowell on American Idol or Howard Stern on America's Got Talent, I know I'm right.

The universe does not revolve around your children! Nor my children nor anyone else's kids. Our children are not the most important people in the world, our church, school or neighborhood. They do not deserve more than others and are not entitled to the first, best, optimum, finest anything. The world has not been looking for or waiting for your child or my child to arrive on the scene any more than anyone else's son or daughter.

Now let me be clear. I'm a parent and now a grandparent too. I love my kids and their kids. I want the best for them and tried along with my wife to give them as many favorable and positive experiences and training opportunities as possible. There is nothing wrong with desiring the best for our kids. But too many parents demand it and shove their way to the head of every line so to speak to get it.

I recently heard of a mom who was attending a Christian women's activity and who demanded that her preschooler be in the same childcare room with his friend, a friend who was not even the same age. Parents in a host of situations demand the best teacher, trainer, room, nursery worker, class, summer activity or coach and if they don't get it for little Connor or Clarissa they vent their anger, pull strings until they get it, make life hell for the leadership or find another program.

Comedian Bryan Regan talks about the people on airplanes who take ten minutes trying to get their large case crammed into the overhead compartment while oblivious to the people waiting to get to their seats. His description is hilarious though these rude travelers are not. You do wonder sometimes if this person in row 20A really thinks they are the only one on the airplane.

Pushy, demanding parents aren't funny either nor are we if we live our lives forcing our kids to the front of every social line. Sometimes in life we just don't get what we want. We need to get over ourselves.

Why might parents like us overreach, overreact and over- respond when it comes to our kids?

Perhaps we didn't get the perks and opportunities we would have liked when we were growing up. And yes, that is disappointing but we're not helping our kids by letting them think that they need every advantage now or are more important than the others. And we certainly aren't wise to use our children as some sort of payback for the childhood we never had. We're only going to injure our kids or a relationship somewhere.

We're fearful that if our kids miss out on that one teacher, class or experience they will be scarred for life.  Guess what?  They won't. In fact, part of growing, learning and maturing is to face experiences that are extra-challenging, where you don't have all the advantages others have and work through it anyway. Many of the perks we're perhaps panicky about today won't even be remembered by us or our children in five or ten years.

We're just plain selfish. I know none of us like to hear this one but it's worth asking. Have we become a little too entitled, arrogant and self-centered? Is it time for us to care about others more than ourselves? If we are Christ followers are we modeling the kind of spirit and attitude Jesus modeled? He modeled humility and restraint and was always sinless even in His dissent.

Is it time to take a step back, breathe in deeply and remember that life is about far more than being first or getting our own way?  Maybe.

One final caution. What our kids expect in life today is likely what they will expect tomorrow.  If they live an entitled life and watch mom or dad demand more for them at every turn, they will probably expect the same when they are adults. But they will be disappointed and likely hurt big-time when they find out that people and  life in general doesn't cater to them.

So enjoy your kids. Help them succeed, grow and mature. But they aren't the only star in the heavens. Just yours. Appreciate and love them for that.

To Have Great Kids Start Early

So if you could describe the third-grader or middle school student, teenage or adult you would like your child to be what words would you use? Polite, self-controlled, kind to others, honest, obedient, God-honoring?  I'm sure we could make pretty long lists and many of us would include the same words.

Why?  Because they are words that describe the character, attitudes and actions we know make up great people, those who get along well with others, succeed in life and serve God by doing things that matter.

The problem is that many parents think these qualities will just appear in their children one day. In the meantime they wait for the child to get older before they try to instill and develop those qualities in their offspring. That is a huge mistake.

If you want your children to exhibit certain behaviors and attitudes start when they are little and I mean little. Yes, children are different in both personality and development so we can't all expect the same results at the same ages. Some kids push us harder than others and have a stronger will to resist the direction we want to give them.

In fact, that is why a lot of parents just give up and don't stay with training their kids in the way they should go because frankly it's just hard. But please don't make your child being a challenge an excuse for not digging the soil deep for planting personal seeds for their future.

We were just with our daughter Amy, her husband David and their two boys for eight or nine days. However, the youngest, Silas, who is just twenty-months, would regularly say thank you when he was given something. Twenty months. But that didn't just happen. They have a boy who is learning to be polite and they are helping him to it. In fact, their oldest, now almost four, has been learning politeness for a long time now.

Are those boys perfect?  Of course not and we cannot expect that. But too many parents simply do not try to build character qualities into their children early in their development assuming they can't learn these things. They can amd they will if we'll be actively involved.

And when your children push back, especially the strong ones, then yes they will require more repetition, reminders and practice. Your timeframe for success will be longer but it will be worth it. Don't quit.

Of course other factors are important such as modeling, family atmosphere and parenting styles. We parents must practice what we preach. But when we put intentional training along with natural modeling we are far more likely to have children who actually become what we've hoped and prayed for.

So start early.

Messed Up Kids? It May Be Your Fault!

All of us have dreams of being great parents, even the best parents ever, don't we?  We do our best, read books, attend a seminar if needed and watch others hoping to get a few tips that will help. And often we succeed and do pretty well. Other times we just pray that we can keep our kids out of therapy someday.

And while sometimes our kids mess up and make their own bad choices there are some ways that our kids' actions are probably the result of our poor parenting or modeling or perhaps just looking the other way.  Let me suggest a few examples.

Too involved in their technology. They watch too many video games, overuse their phone, sit in front of the television for hours and the like. In many cases we've given them all that and bought into their cries that everyone else has one of those or whatever. But the wise parent instead puts limits and boundaries on those things and requires that kids go outside, play with others or get involved in other healthy activities. And not every child needs their own smart phone or TV in their room.

Focused on themselves not others. We can subtly give our kids the impression that our home and lives in general centers around them.  Wrong. Early on they need to learn that yes they are loved and valued but that everyone in the home matters. How do you send a different message perhaps?  Fixing food all the time just for them, letting them constantly interrupt, allowing them to change their plans (and yours) all the time last minute. You can no doubt think of others. Take inventory.

Can't talk with adults. We let them go to another room as soon as adults enter our home or location. We don't teach them to speak politely, respectfully and intellectually because we always assume that they have no place in the conversation.

Don't make spiritual things important. The question is, how important is God and serving Christ to us?  Chances are they are modeling our behaviors and attitudes.

Get the idea?  It's important to understand that parenting does make a difference. And if we do it well the pressures from other parts of the culture will make a much smaller impact than we ever thought.

Teaching Kids To Talk To And Respect Adults

A number of years ago now I remember going to a wedding where I ran into some of my son's friends from high school who were then in college. While I didn't know them as well as some of his other buddies I was interested to see them nonetheless and they certainly knew who I was.

So I simply greeted them and asked about college and how things were going for them. Their answers were something like, "Uh . . .", "OK," and "Hey, good." There was no response of even, "How are you, Mr. Sinclair," or even any details about college, their life or interest in our son who they had known well.

Now granted, I wouldn't expect any college student to want to engage with an old guy who they didn't know that well and maybe I surprised them. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.

But I know this. Our son, Tim, at that same age wouldn't have had any trouble engaging any other adult in at least a little, polite conversation, whether they were 30 or 90. In fact, he talked on and on to adults when he was three! Is it any surprise he's in radio and can talk with ease to tens of thousands of listeners?

Kids are certainly different and have unique personalities. Some are more talkative and others tend towards being shy. However, I think parents can and must help their children to learn to talk readily and politely to adults in their world.

Now of course I'm assuming that parents will also warn their kids about just talking to any adult, particularly strangers. That's a different situation. But let me make a couple of suggestions that can help our kids to speak with adults in appropriate settings.

First of all, give your kids opportunities to speak casually with adults in your home. I've gone to numerous family visits where as soon as the adults walk into the house the kids are shuffled off to their rooms to play. Why not give the children a chance to interact with the adults first for awhile and then split up when it would be more appropriate?

Our children have to learn that the world is filled with people of all ages. And if we never give them a chance to connect with adults and learn to interact with them, when will they learn? How will they address and communicate with their teachers, neighbors, professors, pastors and bosses someday?

Second, don't let them only live in their technological hiding places. Too many kids are allowed to let their cell phones, video games and iPods become their whole world when they're out in public. Now don't get me wrong - I love technology. I use an iPhone, iPod and yes, have even sent text messages.

But challenge your kids (and that may mean saying they can't use their cell phone while you're at a certain event) to make the effort to talk to people, not just stay in the comfort of their virtual or electronic world. And it will help if you model the same behavior. Our messages and emails will wait, too.

And yes, our children should be free to have some fun time with other kids their age at a wedding, picnic or church gathering. However, make sure they get some practice and experience meeting and talking to other adults somewhere during the day or evening. Your kids may balk, but remember you're the parent and trying to teach them an important skill and lesson.

Third, talk to them yourself. And not just about everyday things. Do you spend time conversing about life, their likes/dislikes, about world issues and people in need? Some parents say, "Well, my daughter just never talks about anything." And that's true - the longer we let our kids not talk the less comfortable they'll be.

But if some serious talking between us is the norm early on then they'll be more likely to interact as they get older, especially during the challenging adolescent years. You might even be a bit afraid to talk to your kids about deeper things, but trust me they want to engage you even if they don't like to admit it.

Finally, teach them how to be respectful in their conversations. You may not feel compelled to require they say "yes sir" and "no sir," but you can require respect in other ways. For example, they can learn to stand up and greet people they're meeting, to say "It's nice to meet you," or to shake hands when it's appropriate. They can learn to speak in sentences and not be afraid to talk about their interests and ideas with those older than themselves.

The benefits of working now to help our kids relate to adults will be huge someday. Don't put it off. Start now or keep going if you're already at it. It will be SO worth it. And just maybe one or more of your kids will actually be influencing others through their words in ways that make a difference. You never know.