One of The Best Habits We Ever Put In Our Marriage

Most couples over time develop certain habits whether they like it or not. Some are helpful and enriching to their marriage, others annoying and some even destructive. Often most of their habits aren't even planned, they just happen.

Jackie and I have had our share in the above lists but there is one that I am thankful we were very intentional about from the very beginning of our marriage until today. No, we've not done it perfectly and there have been periods where it pretty much vanished for a time but its importance and pull have always brought us back to it.

I am confident that it has enhanced our communication, intimacy, planning for the future and ability to simply rest and enjoy some Sabbath in our busy weeks.

Our habit? We've made extended, focused time for each other. We have committed to a day, morning, evening or a combination where we put aside our regular schedule, plan something fun, go out to eat perhaps along the way and explore new places together. We usually have some sort of goal but the time is not typically programmed and we can always change things up last minute.

Sometimes the weather alters our course or we're just too tired. That's okay. We have enough margin during that time to not get flustered because our original plan didn't work out. We don't always go somewhere either. Sometimes we stay home, read, relax and watch movies or television that we didn't get to see earlier.

We try not to let other outside influences steal our time away either. We limit phone calls (I'm a pastor so sometimes there are emergencies), online efforts, housework and errands. We try to make sure we have time to talk, leaving room for heavier issues but not limiting ourselves to that. We laugh a lot and talk about non-work, non-people things rather than ministry.

And there is something about having a day that we know is out there waiting for us that makes challenging times a bit more tolerable.  We know that a reprieve is coming so we can take a little more pressure for a time if need be. And even if our getaway time gets robbed because of events we can't control it is so ingrained in us we gravitate to it immediately the next week.

I fear that many, if not most couples, in this 21st century, have relegated time for each other to we'll-do-that-when-we-get-time or once-the-kids-are-grown or some other fantasy-laden hope that will never happen. It's not that you can't afford to take time for each other. You can't afford NOT to have it. You'll have to make it happen even if it means letting go of something else.

Marriages don't deteriorate for no reason. They fail because we don't give them time, priority and intentionality. So don't wait!  Start somewhere. Maybe you can't give a whole day yet. Then find a couple of hours or a morning for starters.  But write it on your calendar.  Let you kids know you are working more at being together. You'll be modeling something for them to take into their marriage.

I'm pretty sure it will be a habit you're glad you started.  Try it.

When Selfish Isn't Sinful

Anna is a mom of two normal, healthy, fun-loving, busy kids. She and her husband Al do quite well at sharing the responsibilities of providing, taxiing, feeding and who knows what else that children and family need every day.

But the end of each day arrives and they usually have just enough energy to plop in front of the television for thirty minutes and even then one of them is usually nodding off before the program ends. They look forward to weekends but there are games, church and special events to attend and participate in that seem to never end.

They both long for some time together, even a little alone time when their tanks aren't empty. They know that parenting and marriage both require sacrifice and often feel guilty for wanting more. Their parents sacrificed for them. Shouldn't they do the same for their kids? They know that someday when the kids are older they'll be able to focus on each other and maybe even start a new job or hobby that just has to wait for now.

Sound like you? Struggle with the same feelings? Wondering when you're going to get a break? Is being a little selfish, getting some time for yourself or your marriage always in your mind selfish and about ME?

I don't think so. And apparently Jesus didn't either. He took time to be alone, to walk, to rest his physical body (of course He was God otherwise).  He wasn't always with people, there for everyone and meeting needs 24/7.

There are some reasons why we too need to follow His example.

First, if we have little in our tank emotionally then we'll have little left for others. We'll get angry more, skim on the most important things and not give our kids and spouses our best.

Second, we'll be more likely to do something we would never do otherwise. We'll blow up at a coworker, have an affair, emotional or otherwise, or make a stupid decision. We're hurting, empty and longing for a little relief and sometimes we'll do anything for a cup of cold water in the desert.

Third, we need to be reminded of our limits. No one can be there for everyone. There is only so much time in our day, so many emotions in our reserve, so much energy in these bodies we have.

So what do we do?

Accept that you are not being selfish when you add rest and refreshing to your life, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Second, incorporate some you time into your day. It may start with only a few minutes but start somewhere. Try a walk, find time to think, read, meditate, pray, just unwind. If you're married include some regular time with your spouse. Require your kids to give you that time if they are old enough (and most are if you work at it with them).

Third, make slowing down more of a priority in your family. No, we don't need to do all the things everyone else is doing. No, we don't need to be in all the clubs, sports and special programs that the neighborhood crowd has embraced. There are more important things. Focus on those.

When you start re-filling your reservoir you'll discover you actually have more to give and enjoy. And by the way, that's how God intended us to live in the first place.

When It Comes To Busyness Geography Changes Nothing

As I mentioned in a recent post we just moved . . . from a large major city in Texas to a small county seat in central Illinois. Of course there are lots of differences between the two. Some would like one more than the other. We are particularly enjoying this new chapter in a smaller town again. But to each his own.

However, I noticed one thing that apparently doesn't change. People here are just as driven, stressed-out and exhausted as they were in a bigger city. Many still live life around the hectic schedules of their children, rarely miss a special event and believe that this kind of life is what life must and should be.

They have few commitments to anybody or anything outside of their own home. Many have few deep relationships, give their faith a nod now and then for good measure and spend hundreds of hour outside and inside watching their kids play games that they will quit once they leave school and their home.

Of course there are exceptions everywhere too and I have great respect for those who are willing to swim against the current of their culture. Why?  Because I know they are going to benefit from their willingness to slow down. How? Let me mention a few ways.

First, their relationships with one another and others will be significantly deeper. They will talk more, enjoy each other more and stop long enough to see the little miracles of nature and life all around them. They won't be as likely to get into heavy debt and will have a better chance to have well adjusted and less entitled kids.

Second, their faith will be more real and vibrant. Church, Bible study and personal time with God won't be a mere add-on or obligation. They will not only give more but will get more because they will have the freedom to also live out their Christianity by serving.

Third, they will be healthier. I'm not a doctor but research will back me up on the fact that more stress is more taxing on the body, soul and spirit. So when will you break the cycle?  Are you willing to swim upstream, slow down your life and get some of the many benefits of a life less-driven?

It won't happen unless you are intentional now about making some major changes in your lifestyle.  Your kids will have to be a part of it but they will notice the good difference too. Go for it. Don't be like anybody else now and you won't have to live like anybody else later.

The Gifts I'd Most Like Again: They Can't Be Bought

I can think of all sorts of special gifts I've received down through the years. Of course, like most of us, I got most of them when I was a kid. I'll never forget the electric train cars, sports equipment, electronic games (yes, there were a few when I was young), the cool clothes (at least I thought they were), a special Bible or book and a host of other gifts that I longed for so badly.

We all had that present, too, that our parents gave us last that we knew was the big gift. But there are very few of those that I want again now. In fact, I really don't long for any of them.

But there are a lot of gifts I wish I could enjoy again that I simply won't ever have. And they remind me and I hope you that we need to cherish similar gifts now while we still have them. It's so easy to just rush through the most special moments of all because we're wrapped up in the tyranny of the urgent or trying to do it all when only a few things matter.

For example I wish that I could again have:

My kids be little again for even an hour.
My wedding day with my young bride.
A morning with my dad or father-in-law.
A moment or two or a cup of coffee with some of my childhood heroes and mentors.
A Christmas as a young kid with my mom, dad, sister and any other relatives who decided to show up that day.
A game of basketball or catch with my teenage son.
A weekend back at college with my good buddies.
A date with my daughter in elementary school.
A school program, sporting event or awards ceremony.
An evening with our whole family at home together.
A day of playing baseball with my neighborhood friends.
A morning with my church friends from a bunch of years ago.
A snow day.
My first climb of a fourteener in Colorado.
The day our son or daughter or grandsons were born.
A conversation with Al or Don or one of many other friends now in Heaven.
A family vacation.

My list could be much longer. In fact, I'll probably put a more extended one together just for me. The problem with doing it now is that every entry brings tears to my eyes both of joy and sadness.

So what's the point? It's pretty simple. Enjoy every special moment now. Savor them. Slow down. Be thankful. Don't rush them and please don't wish them away even though some of these moments came with pain, hardship or challenge. Some of us still have these moments in front of us. Watch for them. Be ready. Relish every one.

We live such faced-paced, driven lives it's easier and easier to miss the great moments because of the quantity of mediocre ones.

They are still gifts. All of them. Gifts you'll someday wish you could have again.

Have You Had a Rest Lately?

As I write this post I am just into my final two weeks of a nine-week sabbatical from my work as a pastor. Yes, nine weeks off to travel, relax, do nothing, read a book, spend time with my wife or whatever. I am very thankful that my church, Austin Christian Fellowship, makes that kind of break after seven years of service an option.

So as we head off to one more adventure in San Francisco and Yosemite National Park, I wanted to give you a few of the benefits of this time off that I know I must keep in my life in some form, even if I can't get nine weeks in a row very often.

You see we live in a driven culture. We all exist under the umbrella of expectations, potential and success. We want to have what everyone else has, we fear our kids will miss out on something they need for life and we're addicted to the rush of accomplishment. So we rarely slow down. Even our leisure is harried. Our vacations are even jam-packed with more to do, see and overcome.

Things that should be plain fun like watching our son or daughter play a game or star in a play are often simply opportunities for us to catch our breath or sneak in a short nap. We cram our exercise and meals into an already jampacked schedule. We take more to help us sleep than ever before and many of us are getting by on the bare minimums.

Time off, real time off, reminds you that you simply can't keep living that way and that there is another, better option.

First, time off or rest reminds us what is really important. There are a lot of things I have not done during this time that I usually do each day or week that I found I can live without. I also discovered some things that I was able to add to my life that I don't want to stop now.  I need to play more, keep exercise important but not rushed and spend more time just drinking coffee without a timetable. I have new goals regarding my wife and family that I haven't thought about lately.

Second, time off or rest give us perspective. Busyness keeps us from evaluating what we're doing and why. We may be accomplishing lots of good things but are they the best things, especially for us and our family.  It's too easy to wake up one day and realize that ten or twenty years went by and we just did the same things over and over and never thought about why.

Third, time off or rest help us focus better on our relationship with God. When we're too busy we can become too busy for God or we begin to think that He wants us in this ratrace too.  We start thinking that the more things we do for him earn us more points or favor when in reality He often just wants to be with us where we are.  He wants us to enjoy Him and Him us.

One day on the sabbatical I was in North Texas where the mornings are usually cool even in the summer. I got up early and went to get coffee for the adults and walked out the door into the pleasant temperatures.  As I drove to the coffee shop and back and enjoyed the crisp air I found myself worshipping God and thanking him for that moment.  I was just enjoying Him, His creation and my moment in it. I want and need more spaces like that and I would guess you do too.

And we won't get them if we don't slow down and really rest. We may have to do it in little moments much of the time but if those moments become normal we'll never go back to living without them.

Why We All Need A Little Sabbath in Our Homes

Some people don't know what it is. When I tell people I'm going on a nine-week sabbatical they look at me like I'm speaking another language. Others think I must be doing this because I'm a pastor and that maybe I'm going to take some kind of pilgrmage to a foreign, mystical land.

For many the word sabbath only makes sense if it comes after the word Black. (Are they still touring?) But actually the purpose of sabbath or taking a sabbatical  is to rest and breathe in a major change of scenery from the hectic pace of life and its demands.

It's only when we literally stop doing what we're doing for a while and live differently for an extended time will we understand true sabbath. God, obviously knowing how we are made and what we need, ordained and commanded sabbath on a regular basis. We could say that every night's sleep is a form of sabbath and it is. But God's chief plan was to tell His children to take one day a week and experience a major stoppage or at least change of pace from the usual grind of life.  Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy is one of the Ten Commandments. It's not a suggestion.

Even the fields were supposed to have a periodic rest and sometimes individuals were given much longer breaks. That's why many wise organizations like schools and churches offer something to people like me, usually after seven years of service following the Biblical example.

The problem is that most of us in our culture are caught in the trap and pull of having to do more not less, to never rest but be productive. We want our kids busy every moment, we need more money to get more house and then have more to take care of and then we sleep less. But our bodies weren't made for living that way. And neither were our souls.

We need regular times to slow down, even stop. We must recalibrate our minds,  rest our muscles and bones and  renew our relationships with crockpot slowness, letting each hour simmer in new flavor, perspective and calm.

The other day I had to schedule a follow up doctor visit during this sabbatical and my first reaction was to check my schedule on my phone to see what times would be open. And all of a sudden I thought . . . "Wait, my time is totally free. It doesn't matter when we make the appointment!"  That was liberating and rejuvenating in and of itself.

Do you and your family embrace sabbath in your world?  It won't likely be nine-weeks long (and mine won't either again for at least seven more years) but it can be a few hours, a day, a weekend or just a short nap. But don't say I can't afford sabbath.  The truth is you can't afford NOT to have sabbath. You're going to run out of gas, you're going to miss some of the most important things in life that you won't enjoy unless you stop long enough to experience them.

Start now. Once you do you'll never go back to the old way.