Why We All Need A Little Sabbath in Our Homes

Some people don't know what it is. When I tell people I'm going on a nine-week sabbatical they look at me like I'm speaking another language. Others think I must be doing this because I'm a pastor and that maybe I'm going to take some kind of pilgrmage to a foreign, mystical land.

For many the word sabbath only makes sense if it comes after the word Black. (Are they still touring?) But actually the purpose of sabbath or taking a sabbatical  is to rest and breathe in a major change of scenery from the hectic pace of life and its demands.

It's only when we literally stop doing what we're doing for a while and live differently for an extended time will we understand true sabbath. God, obviously knowing how we are made and what we need, ordained and commanded sabbath on a regular basis. We could say that every night's sleep is a form of sabbath and it is. But God's chief plan was to tell His children to take one day a week and experience a major stoppage or at least change of pace from the usual grind of life.  Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy is one of the Ten Commandments. It's not a suggestion.

Even the fields were supposed to have a periodic rest and sometimes individuals were given much longer breaks. That's why many wise organizations like schools and churches offer something to people like me, usually after seven years of service following the Biblical example.

The problem is that most of us in our culture are caught in the trap and pull of having to do more not less, to never rest but be productive. We want our kids busy every moment, we need more money to get more house and then have more to take care of and then we sleep less. But our bodies weren't made for living that way. And neither were our souls.

We need regular times to slow down, even stop. We must recalibrate our minds,  rest our muscles and bones and  renew our relationships with crockpot slowness, letting each hour simmer in new flavor, perspective and calm.

The other day I had to schedule a follow up doctor visit during this sabbatical and my first reaction was to check my schedule on my phone to see what times would be open. And all of a sudden I thought . . . "Wait, my time is totally free. It doesn't matter when we make the appointment!"  That was liberating and rejuvenating in and of itself.

Do you and your family embrace sabbath in your world?  It won't likely be nine-weeks long (and mine won't either again for at least seven more years) but it can be a few hours, a day, a weekend or just a short nap. But don't say I can't afford sabbath.  The truth is you can't afford NOT to have sabbath. You're going to run out of gas, you're going to miss some of the most important things in life that you won't enjoy unless you stop long enough to experience them.

Start now. Once you do you'll never go back to the old way.

Championing, Not Lamenting Our Differences

I was privileged to attend an NCAA basketball tournament game this week watching one of my favorite teams from another part of the country play in my current hometown. And because we had very good seats I got to see the players up close and personal most of the time.

However, I was reminded that not every player has the same responsibilities. I saw the shooters hitting short and long jump shots. Others spent most of their time dribbling and passing off to others while some played a lot of minutes and didn't score a point.

They had different abilities, styles and roles in getting the win. The same will always be true in families - husbands, wives and kids. They're all different. Their roles will not be identical nor will their abilities or personalities be alike.

Unfortunately many spouses and parents bemoan the differences in one another or at best refuse to account for them. They want all their kids to be athletes or musicians. They expect their happy-go-lucky spouse to be as ordered and meticulous as they are. We often don't realize that God actually knew what He was doing when he made us unique at least in part so that we might complement one another and fill in for many of our weaknesses.

So what would it look like for us to be champions for our family differences as opposed to critics. First, we would bless one another by speaking to those uniquenesses. "Mark, one of the things mom and I appreciate about you is that you love doing things really well. Sometimes, you can overdo it but you know most of the time you actually help the rest of us do better."

Or, "Honey, I so value that you love being around people. If it weren't for you I wouldn't have a social life and I know we need that. Thank you for planning so many great things even though there are times we disagree and have to work through what's realistic."  Get the idea?

Second, we would let go of the "my kids have to" mentality. Sure, if we see potential then it's realistic to make sure we give them opportunities to learn to blossom. But too many kids are being pushed into sports, music lessons and other activities that have long shown to have not aptitude or interest in them.  As a result our family is just busier and if you're married, you and your spouse merely spend more time on the road and in the stands accomplishing little.

Third, we would enjoy the unique things that each person does and naturally talk about and applaud them. You'll celebrate that mom went back to school, that John isn't an athlete but loves serving at an old folks home and that your daughter loves debate and not cheerleading.

Aa a result you will likely have more margin in your home for rest, quiet and relaxation because you're not trying to have everyone do everything. And that is worth a fortune. 

Putting Some Healthy Limits on Technology

A popular big-city restaurant recently offered its customers a 5% discount on their meal tab if they would turn in their smart phone for the duration of their stay in the restaurant. Apparently about sixty percent of the customers have accepted the offer. And I have a hunch some very good things have happened during those meals.

I would guess that couples are talking to each other more. They are more likely to be engaging in each other's lives and learning things they should have known but did not.

I would think that families are having more fun together and coming up with special ways to enjoy the moments they have with each other before their food arrives. Children probably have time to tell stories about their day or week and parents have more opportunity to just enjoy the spontaneous laughter and insights their children initiate when talked to and listened to intentionally.

Who knows what other good results will happen but it sure seems like they will be worth it, much more than the five percent discount.

Of course, it's not that technology is bad. I love it. It keeps me learning,  helps me organize my week and to stay in touch with other important people in my life. But it can subtly steal relationship from us, especially during meals and other places where our family is together. I've often seen husbands and wives or dads and a child sitting in silence during their time together in a restaurant, focused on their phone or newspaper. When will they ever get that moment back?  Probably never.

When did phone calls, often inane comments on a website from friends and updates on sports scores become so necessary and important?  We live a lot of life as though we will miss something important and be scarred forever.

The biggest scars,  however, will be those left in children and spouses where a cell phone became more important than they were in the eyes of those they love. We are hurting ourselves and our families when we let the mundane take precedence over the eternal.

So maybe more of us would be wise to put the phone aside at key times during the day, especially when in the company of our family. Who knows?  You might even get a little something knocked off your bill?

Maximizing Your Family Time: Slow Down

There was a popular song when I was much younger that started with the lyrics, "Slow down, you move too fast, got to make the morning last."  Sadly the title of that song included less than profound and meaningful words, "Feelin' Groovy."

However, I wonder if those first lines of that song aren't still a wise admonition for much of our culture today and perhaps for you at your house . . . "Slow down, you move too fast."

If you've traveled to other cultures, particularly in some of the poorer countries,  you know that living life slowly or simply isn't necessarily a detriment. Families who have few resources, a smattering of things to entertain and whose meals may last for hours are often some of the happiest people on earth.  And if they are facing challenges and times of despair, it's usually because of their terrible conditions or a recent catastrophe not because they have so little to keep them occupied.

Living life faster rarely makes us happier. If anything, it only adds more stress, worry and a diluting of our relationships. Yes, we live in a fast-paced society but there are some things we can do to slow the pace for our family.

First, take inventory of how many things you're attending, participating in and committed to. Are they all really worthy it?  Have they become "doable hard" or "destructive hard?"  There's a difference.  Are some of our activities stealing from our time together, rest and well-being?  Ask yourself not only, "How much is this costing us financially?"  But ponder, "How much is this costing us emotionally and personally?"

Second, prioritize and then cut some things.  You'll have to do what you can to be fair and it's likely that your kids will be mad if one of the cuts involves them, but do it anyway. You're the parent and they are not. They'll survive and you might be surprised that in some cases they're actually happy about it while other times they will be relieved.

Third, determine some intentional connecting and just resting that you will use with your time.  Just filling your extra hours with more planned busyness wouldn't make much sense.  However,  part of the goal is to get some meaningful moments together so think of what you might do to connect. Perhaps it's just spending a little more time at the dinner table. Maybe you can do something around the house that you can all contribute to.  But also don't hesitate to just give everyone a breather.

Finally, consider doing something that would serve others. Having a needy couple, single or family over could be a starting place that would still keep you at home. But if it's not too demanding, go together and help out a neighbor, friend or relative. Giving instead of taking is always a great teaching opportunity and takes the attention off yourselves.

Whatever you decide, do what you can to slow life down. The choices each family makes will be unique to their situation, interests and location. But I'm pretty confident that a few significant attempts to reduce your family's miles per hour will likely have you feelin' groovy.

How To Make Your Marriage Last - Part 1

My wife Jackie and I just returned from a twelve -day thirty-fifth anniversary trip to Alaska.  No, we don't do big trips like that very often but certain special anniversaries have encouraged us to try something a little grander now and then.

How do you have a marriage that lasts thirty-five years or more?  I met a couple the other day who'd been married sixty years!  I felt like a marital youngster at that point.  But I too had to ask myself how will we make it another 25 years if we live that long?  I'm not totally sure.  There aren't any simple recipes, I know that. Everyone's life experiences, personalities and families will bring different dynamics to a marriage.

All I've got to offer are a couple of observations, perhaps even significant enough to be principles, that will at least increase your chances to have a marriage that lasts till death do you part.  Since there are quite a few I'll do some this time and add a few more in my next post.  Here we go:

First, renew your commitment to each other by your actions every day.  Living out a marriage happens one decision, one choice, one action and one experience at a time. Yes, at the altar we make a public commitment but we make private ones daily and those are what keep us going. Choose to love, to act responsibly, to give to the other person over and over. Even in the middle of conflict we can respond in ways that are healthy, positive and godly choices. They're not always easy responses but they must be the fuel for our ongoing commitment.

Which leads me to number two: deal with conflict and deal with it well.  We joke all the time that we've been married thirty-five years (or whatever number it is at the moment) and they've been thirty-two of the happiest years of our lives.  Hmm . . . that means there are three years or so that weren't happy.  Yep, that's probably true  . . . the rough moments came one hour or day at a time.

And maybe the number is more or less for you but there will be conflict and unhappy days. How do you handle it well?  Learn to communicate in healthy ways.  And if you don't know how get some help. Read books or go to some of my earlier blogs on communication. Get counseling.  Don't settle for excuses like, "That's just the way I am, " or "My parents fought this way all the time and it worked out for them."  If your conflict resolution is destructive or at best harmful, fix it.

Also admit it when you're wrong. No one is right all the time and no one needs to be right all the time. Tell the truth, admit your weaknesses . . .it's part of being intimate with the other person.  And learn to listen, understand and be patient.  You must be relentless about getting into the soul of the other person.

A third principle is: make time together a high priority no matter what stage of life you're in. We can argue that having kids or a challenging job or greater family responsibilities won't afford us the time. You can't afford NOT to take the time to be together. Of course it will vary and change depending upon your family circumstances but if you want your marriage to last you cannot let time with each other slide.

Have lunches, do things you both enjoy, find a hobby, talk and take big vacations now and then.  If we don't invest in our marriages we won't see a positive return down the road.  I hope you'll have some twenty-five, thirty-five and longer celebrations of your own.

Accepting and Blessing Your Child's Uniquenesses

My favorite humorist Dave Barry writes, "I wish there was an early morning kids' TV show called Let's Go Back to Bed. The licensed characters would yawn a lot and say: 'I'm tired! Let's all lie down and be very quiet until at least 7:45am!' Wouldn't that be great? Daddy would send money to that show."

Can you relate? Some kids are early risers no matter what was happening the night before. Others are laid back and take life as it comes. We had one who was up every morning by 6 or so and ready to live life! In fact that's what he has had to do for his radio work for years now. Some are creative and artsy while others love sports or technical challenges. 

And it's easy as a parent to subtly or not so subtly push our kids to be who they are not or to do those things we like the most rather than watch them blossom and be who God made them to be.  Yes, we must still be the parent or parents and there are times when we have to encourage our kids to push through and do something that on their own they would choose not to do.

We need to remember that there are decisions they can't possibly make at a young age about whether an activity or talent should be pursued.

However, it's still important that even when we push them a little we have one eye on what is it that really makes them tick, what skills truly help them come alive and what is it that their personality best matches with in the long run. In addition, we must monitor how much time will their activities require from our time together as a family.

As I drove by a local sports field this morning at 7:45am, I saw scores of five or six-year-olds playing flag football. While I can't know all the circumstances surrounding the families' motives and kids' interest I  had to wonder just how many of those little ones needed to be on a field already on a Saturday.  I'm assuming they were all up going to school Monday through Friday last week. When can they just have time to one, rest, and two, to simply be kids?

I pondered how many of those parents had taken serious inventory of whether Saturday morning football was really going to add value and meaning to the lives of their children and family as a whole.

Where is the time when the family just does something together, spontaneous, agenda-less and simply to have a good time?  Some parents forget so often that each child is different and they don't all need to involved in an organized activity every waking hour nor are they all athletes, artists or musicians.  Find out what your child loves (and yes, that takes some experimentation) but help them to also learn to enjoy rest, refilling and just coming up with their own creative ideas for play and activity.

Are you living through your children or are your children learning to really live through you?  What will you look back someday on and say, "yes, we're glad we committed ourselves to that?"  It's your decision but remember it's an important one.

The Games Couples Play

I'm doing a wedding this fall and I asked the couple what time the wedding would start. Their response was, "As soon as the Texas/OU game is over."

I guess we know what most of the wedding party will be doing before the wedding starts!

Their comment reminded me that any of us who are married can allow our relationship to wane through an inordinate amount of time given to the hobbies, favorite activities and personal interests of one or both of them.  Now there's noting wrong with college football, gardening, shopping or working on your hot rod provided those things are done in moderation and not at the expense of your connecting time.

But some of us need to take personal inventory about how much time, energy and money is going out the door while one or both of the persons in the marriage are obsessing about their golf game, musical interests or the Internet.

So, when is a personal interest, "game," or hobby too much in a marrige? 

First, when it becomes more important than protecting the basic components of a healthy relationship.  When you have time for your activity but won't or can't make time to talk, spend time together or deal with issues, you need to cut back or quit the extras.  In fact, for many their interest becomes a diversion, excuse and escape from meeting their responsibilities or working through problems.

Second, when that activity is simply unwise from a time, cost or emotional standpoint.  Let's say your hobby requires eight hours a week.  That's four hundred hours a year or two thousand hours in 5 years.  Was the enjoyment you got or the sense of fulfillment you received worth that amount of time?  Maybe.  But maybe not.  What else could you have enhanced in your marriage, family or community by giving even half of those hours away to a better endeavor?

I wonder how many marriages simply wilted because one or both spouses didn't water their relationship with enough meaningful time doing things that matter most.

Third, when you can't live without it, or at least you think you can't.  When you wake up thinking about your next time of involvement, when you ponder how to be better at it even  during the night or when that's all you talk about you're probably in trouble.  The classic comment of the addict is, "I can stop any time." Really?  Then try it and see.  Because if you can't go without it that means you've put your obsession before everything even if you don't think you have.

And if you're still not sure, ask your spouse or a friend.  They can often be the mirror you need to see that your hobby or whatever really has become your life.  And when it's your life then it's also stealing life from you, experiences and relationships that someday you'll wish you had made time for.  

Are the games getting in the way of a healthy marriage for you?  If so, you'll need to start with a fast and de-tox so to speak, proving to yourself that there are better things to give your life to.  It doesn't mean you can't ever do that activity.  But you'll begin to control it rather than it controlling you.  And trust me - your spouse will know the difference.

When Our Kids Don't Play Anymore

Have you ever just watched a couple of small kids playing? They imagine, pretend, and fantasize about being larger than life characters or like adults they've seen in their world. It's fun to peek in to their creativity that comes out during those un-scheduled, un-planned moments.

The sad part is that many children have little time or opportunity to do that anymore. Too many parents have organized and planned their kids' lives so tightly with sports practices, games, classes and taxi rides that time to just be a kid has vanished for the most part.

I'm reading an excellent book by Randy Frazee, a pastor in San Antonio, called Making Room for Life, in which in one chapter he mentions seven things our children will lose if they rarely have time to just play and be children.

The first is lost creativity. Because adults organize most children's activities these days, kids lose the practice they would normally receive to make up their own games and projects. The second is lost leadership skills. Our kids will run their own games if we would just let them and in the process be learning some valuable lessons about how to lead and organize others.

The third is lost mentoring. Again, when all of our kids friendships are "arranged," often by age groupings they lose the important role of being able to mentor another child younger than they are, something that often happens spontaneously when kids of different ages get to have fun together.

The fourth is lost conflict management skills. When kids are in organized activities all the time the adults immediately jump in when there's a problem. But with unstructured play the kids have to learn over time how to deal with problems on their own. Yes, we need good adult modeling and guidance but there comes a time when children have to simply solve problems by themselves.

The fifth is lost health. Kids today are simply overscheduled and as a result they're facing health problems from lack of sleep, poor nutrition and stress. What kinds of health problems will they face in adulthood if they are already being pushed too hard now?

The sixth is lost finances. This struggle is borne most by the parents of course. But have we really looked at how much it's costing us financially for all the equipment, gasoline, clothing and entry fees we pay for our kids' activities? And is it worth it just to keep up with the Joneses? Is it worth the price for the extra pressure that puts on mom and dad to provide it all?

And the seventh and last is lost family meals. Overscheduling our kids not only hurts them in ways but keeps them from healthy and revitalizing down time with their family. Meal times are opportunities for families to enjoy dialogue, connection and encouragement along with a meaningful slowing down after a busy day.

So the question is: Are the schedules we're keeping and the activities we're pursuing with our children all worth the losses listed above? Do you experience any of these losses? Do you need to change something, slow down and take a few thing off the schedule? Do you need to give something up to gain something far better? Chances are you do.

I can't tell you what choices to make but think about it, will you? Your decisions could literally be lifechanging!

Are You Still "Dating" Your Spouse?

Remember those days when you and your spouse were just getting to know each other? You called each other on the phone, set up a special place to go or spot to meet, held hands everywhere you went and made the evening last as long as possible?

But then came marriage, kids, a house to take care of and bills to pay. Working late and getting older meant you were more tired and it was easier to just share a quick kiss and say goodnight. Time for each other became replaced by time for everyone and everything else.

No more love letters, evenings just for the two of you, and conversations that seemed to never get boring. It was like you'd learned all you could about the other and if there was more to find out it was just too much effort.

Does any of that describe your marriage? Or are you possibly on your way there? One reason might be that you and your spouse have forgotten what it's like to date or you've quit making personal time for the two of you a priority. And if you quit being intentional about your one another relationship, you'll quit growing closer.

But here's the good news. It's never too late to re-kindle the sparks in your marriage. And you don't have to wait until your kids are grown or the house is paid off or you get that perfect job with the ideal hours to do so. And I'm not just talking about returning romance to your marriage but also deepening your total intimacy of body, soul and spirit.

Let me give you a couple of suggestions that you can adapt to your specific situation. First of all, commit now to a regular time to do something together. Some people pick a night of the week or every other week that is date night. If that works for you go for it.

We have chosen a day or part of a day each week that is more our day. It's varied over the years depending upon our work situation and the ages of our children. When we were younger, had small children and didn't have a lot of extra money, we worked out an every-other-Saturday morning deal with some friends where we would watch their kids one week and they would watch ours the next. That way we never had to pay for a sitter but stayed committed to get out of the house together.

Now we spend every Monday doing something. Sometimes we may include some errands but we're still together and at least have a relaxing lunch in there somewhere. But as much as possible we're out hiking, going to some new place and eating at a different restaurant. It usually doesn't cost a lot but it's worth millions for our marriage.

In fact, because we've done this most of our married life, it was a natural thing to continue once we became empty-nesters. And our kids also learned growing up that while they were incredibly important to us and much-loved, mom and dad's relationship was a priority too. Remember your home is Marriage 101 for your kids. What you do is what they will more likely model themselves.

Second, talk together about some things you could do as a couple that you both would enjoy. You may need to add some new things to your list or there might be some activities that you used to do that you've long forgotten about. We've found that much of the fun and what brings us together revolves around the planning of the events.

Is there a trip you've wanted to take? Is there a new hobby that would be fun to try? Don't wait until you're old to start checking off some things on your "bucket list."

Third, get away for at least a couple of nights together every year. We've found that those extended times help us to take inventory of how we've been doing the past year as a couple and/or parents and what we want to work on during the coming year. That coming together helps unite us even more around our real purposes, goals and what we believe God wants for us and our family.

A classic excuse I hear from married couples is, "Well, we just can't afford the time to do those kinds of things." My response is, "You can't afford NOT to do them." If you're too busy to work on your marriage, then you're too busy. If time with your children has usurped any time for you you're in for trouble at some point if not already. Invest in your relationship with each other. It's one of the most important possessions you'll ever have. Enjoy it and enhance it. And do it now.