Serving Together Can Help Keep You Together

I'm writing sitting in bed in a hotel room in Moscow, Russia. We're just finishing twelve days here having helped organize and lead a worship and pastors' conference here.

One of the best parts for me this year is that my wife Jackie was able to join me in Russia for the third of my fourteen trips here. She worked tirelessly with our hospitality team as they took care of both our staff and those who attended the conference.

And while there were times when we didn't see each other too much (my job involved teaching, training, etc.) we have memories and shared experiences that we will enjoy talking about for a long time.

You don't need to go to the other side of the world to have this experience. But you usually do need to plan to serve others or it probably won't happen.  We're just too busy.

And the benefits?  There are many but here are a few. First, you get to see God work in some ways beyond the usual. Most serving opportunities simply won't work well without God's hand in them to guide, direct and even surprise.  God has a special knack for bringing just the right people together, too.

Second, you let God build a similar vision and passion in you. Jackie and I will both return home with many of the same names, observations and cultural experiences that will keep us having long discussions for many months. And God does something for your spiritual connection as a couple when you take a leap of faith into something new.

Third, we learn to trust God more together. It took a considerable sacrifice for her to go - time, money and the taxing of the body.  But because we've seen God's provision before and during the trip, we trust Him even more with our lives. Add that to the many daily "God - moments" we had and you have a built in spiritual growth plan

So, look for an opportunity to serve somewhere.  Start now. Begin planning.  That's half the fun. But whatever you do don't let other things crowd out your service for Him. You will never be the same.

Wise Parents Learn to Pick Their Battles

Comedian Martin Mull once said,  "Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain."  I think most of us parents can identify with the many challenges and often the "noise" of having kids. Children  always have new ideas and new ways to push us to the limits on our decision-making.

That's why it's important for parents to decide (ahead of time, if possible) what things they are going to go to war over. There are extremes on this. Some parents don't like any conflict and refuse to let their kids down or have them mad at them so they give in on most everything. Other do the opposite and fight with their children over most everything and offer little slack room.

So, how do you find a healthy balance?  How do you determine whether to give in and let your kids do what they want or be tough?

First, ask yourself, Is this a decision the child should be making?  For example, getting in the car to go somewhere with the family at a certain time isn't optional.  And yet sometimes parents will say, "Landon, do you want to go to grandma's now?"  That's not their decision. It's time and they need to go and you need to teach them that they don't have a choice on that. You must win that argument.

Second, Is there a character issue involved that I need to shape through this decision?  Even though the issue may not be an important one at that moment, if your child has been disrespectful, dishonest  or inappropriate in some other way then you need to stick to your guns.  You can't look the other way when they have not exhibited appropriate behavior or a decent attitude.

Third, is it just not that big of a deal?  If it's reasonable for them to make a choice and if frankly the world won't end with their decision, it's reasonable and they haven't been impolite towards you or others, let them do it.  Sometimes the energy expended by taking your kids on over something that doesn't matter that much eventually becomes draining and destructive.

If you're married, I encourage you and your spouse to try to determine some of these decisions ahead of time.  Other times you'll have to make the call on the run.  However, sometimes you might try this line: "If you need an answer now, the answer is 'no.''  In the appropriate circumstances that can buy you a little time to make the wisest choice.

Hang in there.

A 13 Year Old Challenge For Your Kids

We tried something part way through our parenting years with each child that seemed to be a favorite and positive learning and growing experience. When they were approaching thirteen we developed a year-long challenge for them with a perk or two involved to give them some incentive.

We wanted to help them grow as Jesus did in "wisdom, stature, favor with God and man" (Luke 2:52) in a significant way as they headed toward adulthood. So we developed a list of things that they would do with our help during the next twelve months. The tasks included activities to develop them intellectually, spiritually, physically and socially.

And while I won't include our list here (each child is different anyway) let me share some highlights to guide you in doing something for your children if you so desire.

One key activity was reading. While they read in school we wanted them to read some important books about people, life, faith and inspiration. You probably have some favorites of your own that you would put on their list.

A second key component was job shadowing at least three people in three areas of their choice.  Our only requirement was that one of those people had to be involved in some sort of Christian ministry.  Interestingly our grown son, Tim, is now following in the steps of one of the people he shadowed and God is using him in special ways.

A third thing was requiring them to learn some basic life skills - i.e. washing clothes, ironing, cooking and saving money. And this is where one of the major perks came from.  If they basically completed the year-long exercise (be gracious but make sure they work at it well) we would match the amount of money they saved and they could spend that portion on anything they wanted.

You can of course come up with your own perks but that seemed to work well for us. At the end of the project we had a little party with some close friends to celebrate and let them know how proud we were of them.

Depending on your kids and their current activities, you might add physical exercise, Bible reading challenges, social events, etc. whatever might fill out the four areas of emphasis.  Work out your own plan.  You know your kids best.

Nonetheless, we look back at this plan as a home run idea with our children and think it's worth other families trying it out. Feel free.  And if you do use it in some form, let us and others know how it went.

Real Parental Love Knows Few Limits

I was at a large conference this week and happened to sit behind what turned out to be a very special family. A father, mother and son were all in the row ahead and nothing looked abnormal at first. The son, at least an older teen or perhaps a young man in his early twenties, sat between his mom and dad.

However, the son had seemed pretty quiet and I didn't see or hear him talk for a number of minutes.  Once the program started I could tell he had some special needs.  Before long he laid his head down on his mother's lap and she just put her hand over his back and stroked it.

After a time he sat up again, made a motion or said a quiet word to his mom, I couldn't tell, and then laid down on his father's lap. Before long the boy sat up again only this time I could see that the father was wiping something from his own pant leg or lap. The boy had apparently drooled on him.

This time the dad just calmly wiped it up, it took some time, while the mom looked on. Nobody got upset or was surprised. This had all probably happened many times before.

And while I was in a setting where spiritual training, worship and teaching were going on, observing them was truly a spiritual moment for me. I saw love and compassion for this special young man that many parents would never display or enjoy. I'm sure there had been days of heartache and disappointment but this day their love did not wane.

I found myself thinking that God our Father is like that. He sees our flaws and knows we are needy. Nonetheless, he continues to love us even though we aren't as mature as we should be or we "drool" on him through our weaknesses and faults. Yes, He knows what we are capable of but also accepts our limitations. When we're tired and overwhelmbed He strokes our backs in the same way these parents did soothing us to rest.

I'm glad I met that family the other day. I may never see them again but hopefully I'll never forget the poignant image they painted for me through their care for their son.  It was a picture of our Father loving us as only a parent could do.

Most Journeys Are More Like a Marathon

I've written nearly 200 posts now on my Safe At Home blog. Compared to some bloggers and writers that's a drop in the bucket. However, put my total next to many others and  I appear like a novelist.

Whatever your perspective, I'm pretty thankful I've lasted this long. While I love to write it would be easy to think that I'm out of ideas or it's just not worth putting in the time. But over a couple of years quite a few readers seem to have been helped by my sharing while others are just finding out that they too can learn something from an older, more experienced guy.

My total, whatever it represents, does remind me that most good things and the overcoming of most challenges requires a long-term effort and commitment. Anybody can start most anything. Only a few in the big scheme of things finish or last.

Lots of people start to write novels, but how many Grishams are there? Myriad climbers have begun the trek up Everest, but only a small percentage make it to the top. Thousands have started music lessons but there are relatively few virtuosos.

So what is typically true of finishers, of those who reach the upper echelons of their craft, talent, relationships or climb?  A couple of things.  First, they understand from the beginning that their commitment must be for the long haul. While they can enjoy the small victories, they only savor the larger gains. They think in terms of the big picture.

Whether their journey is their marriage or the overcoming of a major illness, their mindset is the same. Small disappointments and setbacks may discourage them but they are not defeated. There's a wonderful challenge in the New Testament that speaks to this way of thinking.  "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair . . . struck down, but not destroyed."  (II Corinthians 4:8)

Second, they sacrifice the good for the best.  They realize that there are certain things that may be desirable that they must lay aside if there are to reach their ultimate goal. I remember years ago hearing a young high school boy play one of the most incredible trumpet solos I had ever heard at Interlochen Music Camp. We knew the director of the orchestra and mentioned our enjoyment of his playing and how impressed we were.

The director smiled and simply said, "Remember, he gave up most everything else to play like that."

Third, they always have a greater purpose or goal in mind beyond the present. Most people who prevail in life have something or Someone within them that spurs them on. Some find their power in God Himself. I believe He's the greatest and most important power we could ever know. Others get their strength from a hero, parent or friend. While yes, selfishness has produced dramatic results in many who achieve great things, it rarely produces great things in great people.

So whatever you're doing and whatever you deem in that to be important, remember that it will require more than starting to be successful. You must see beyond the present and beyond yourself. And when you do your likelihood of completing your daunting journey is dramatically increased.

Great Communication: The Importance of Timing

Farmers think about it. So do climbers. Even surgeons know it's important. You can't plant corn in the fall in the Midwest. You don't head for the summit in the late afternoon in the Rockies. And doctors make sure their patients are physically stable before they allow them to be operated on.

In other words they all know the importance of timing. Families need to also understand that timing can make all the difference in the success and effectiveness of their communication with each other. While yes there are times when the urgency of the moment requires immediate action most of the time that's not the case.

So when husbands and wives need to tackle tough questions they would be better to agree to a more acceptable and workable time to solve their problems. And yet many couples dump their biggest concerns on the other person at the most inappropriate times. One of them has just come in the door from a business trip, another has been home all day with demanding kids or they are on their way to church with the kids in the back seat.

None of those times will likely work to handle a major (or even minor) crisis. Parents can exhibit the same time mismanagement in dealing with discipline issues.

So how can we do better at timing at our house?

First, know your spouse or kids better and maximize their best times to talk and respond. Yes, we can use timing to simply not deal with painful realities but that's not what I'm talking about here. Sometimes you need to simply figure out a better time to dig deeper and agree that the tension of the moment can wait.

Second, curb your penchant to always have answers right now. Most problems didn't happen in an hour so they probably don't need to be resolved in an hour either.

Third, remember how helpful it is when others talk to you in your best moments, not your worst. I know that after a long day of meetings and counseling I'm often not ready to talk seriously the moment I come home. I need to think about my wife's similar needs and give her the same courtesy.

While timing isn't the only thing that makes for deep communication, it sure is a main thing. Think about timing a bit more the next time you have serious issues to talk about at home. I'm pretty sure it will make a significant difference.

Tips For Keeping Your Home SAFE

I originally named my blog Safe At Home for a reason. Sure, it's a clever (at least I think so!) play on words with a baseball analogy. But more importantly I've worked with families long enough to know that many homes simply aren't safe even though the people in it think so.

In recent years homeowners have been told that they should have their dwellings checked for radon gas. Apparently it's an unseen substance that can leak into a home and be deadly. The same is true for carbon monoxide. It's possible to be living around a deadly gas and not know it.

In the same ways, many homes have some destructive "gases" spreading through their families and the people who live there are unaware of the damage they are doing.

Let me suggest a couple of tips for keeping your home a safer place from those toxic elements.

First, ban destructive words. That's right. Have a family meeting tonight and say in front of your kids that you will end the use of words that are unfair, harsh and needlessly hurtful. Tell them that you will model, even when you need to be stern and firm, how to speak fairly, without yelling and to the point. Admit it if you need to change some things. But then require everyone in the house to do the same. You may need to have a point system, money jar or whatever to help this happen but do it.

Second, show every person that their comments, questions and opinions matter. Husbands and wives every day in certain homes tell each other how incompetent they are or suggest that their input into the discussion is unimportant. Children are told or it is implied that certain topics are off limits and that their comments don't ever matter when it comes to decisions made in the home or their feelings about life. Instead, listen well, invite comments when spoke appropriately and let your family know that their honest expressions don't ruffle you.

Third, keep rules and guidelines clear, fair and constant. No one likes to live in a home where what is right one day is wrong the next and vice versa. Few can tolerate being trusted one day and not the next when one's behaviors and attitudes have been consistent. If we're always moving the goal lines and boundaries on our discipline how will our children ever know what or how to obey?

Safety is not only a set of guidelines, it's also a state of mind and an atmosphere that a home must have to truly be a place our families look forward to return to each day. Who's guarding the safety in your home and have you evaluated your safety standards lately?