How To Help Your Kids Avoid Unhealthy Entitlement

Ever been around a child, your own or otherwise, who kept demanding their own way, expecting the same things they got last time or requiring that they be first, in the best group or get the biggest piece of pie?

Of course, some reactions of children are just that - childish. We can't expect them to all of a sudden become adult-like and always give others first place. But our culture today seems to be fostering more and more the idea that everyone should get what they want, when they want it and how they want it.

I happen to frequent Starbucks and other coffee shops. And most similar establishments have followed Starbucks lead in allowing customers to pretty much have their coffee anyway they like it. 

I could talk in detail about how television, smartphones, shopping venues and game options all now give us unparalleled choices of what WE want when we want it. We don't even have to watch or enjoy live entertainment at the time it's presented. It will pretty much always be available somewhere, sometime when it's convenient for us.

Those examples and so many others in education, the community, etc. that provide the same kind of immediate benefits, only increase the possibilities that our children will learn to expect immediate gratification.

So, how do we as parents avoid the tendencies that our children can embrace to live largely entitled lives, especially when we are trying to help them learn to put others first, serve those around them and learn that giving is better than receiving?

First, teach them that all entitlement isn't bad?  We are entitled to feel good about ourselves, to serve others, to not be abused by others, to make choices even when others disagree. Lots of entitlements are good ones. Help them learn the difference.

Second, however, don't give your kids everything. All new versions, updates, models, etc. aren't necessary to be happy, acceptable in school or cool. Children need to also learn to make do, take care of what they have and invest in their own possessions that are special to them.

Third, start your kids and family serving others early. The familiar maxim, It is better to give than to receive, is really true. And do this sooner rather than later. Kids in elementary school and younger are more likely to welcome these opportunities allowing them to become the norm rather than something weird.

Finally, spend regular time being thankful.  Mealtimes are great places to give everyone a chance now and then to talk about something they are thankful for that day. Don't wait to only do this on holidays - make it a regular activity.

If left to their own devices and thinking, kids are going to naturally want more. There's only one place where it's effective to give them another, healthier, others-focused perspective. Our house. Start now.

Teaching Your Kids To "Pay It Forward"

This past week my wife and I traveled north of our home about an hour to visit a popular air force museum, have lunch nearby and just leisurely enjoy the rest of the day. We had a great time and were taking our time heading home when we remembered seeing a pie store on the way up.
It caught our eye for a couple of reasons. One, we love pie. Two, it was located in a somewhat remote section of road and apparently only sold pies. We simply couldn't pass that up.

So we pulled in to the lot and headed through the front door of this small, attractive building. Inside we were not disappointed as we saw a couple of large pastry cases filled with homemade pies. Our mouths of course began to drool and we began talking about the kind of pie we would order to take home with us.

However, as we looked around the woman behind the counter said, "I'm just letting you know that we only take cash or checks here." Our enthusiasm immediately flatlined as we both knew that we rarely carry cash and we didn't have our checkbook. So we graciously told her that we would stop in next time and headed for the door.

A young thirty-something woman was in the process of getting her order filled and had taken out her checkbook to pay. Upon hearing our story, she immediately said to us, "Listen, I would be happy to write a check to buy your pie for you." Not sure what she was exactly saying I replied, "Well, thank you, but I don't have any cash to cover your check."

She then said, "Oh, no, I'll just buy it for you. I'd love to do that." Still stunned we stammered, "Well, okay, thank you so much. We'll have coconut cream."

Keep in mind that this woman didn't know us or our financial situation at all. We are at a time in our life when we don't have a lot of extra, but we aren't poor and obviously could buy a pie without having to skip dinner or go without gas in the car.

She apparently didn't care about that. She just wanted to pay it forward. Perhaps she's a very giving person, likes to serve others or just got a supernatural nudge at that point. We'll never know. What we do know is that she made our day and reminded us of the importance of looking for similar opportunities.

Yes, the common term these days is paying it forward. Maybe it is also just being nice or having a sharing attitude or being thankful for what we do have rather than wanting more. Whatever the case, we got a powerful reminder of how special it is to help others. 

I also thought again about how important it is to teach the younger generation to do that. Our society has so many more popular examples of demands for more money, fame and possessions that it's time we balance the ledger a bit and also model servanthood and giving more of what we have away. 

I found myself wishing that her children, if she has any, could have seen their mom helping us out. On the other hand, I imagine she shows them in other ways.

I'm looking for a similar opportunity this week. It's not that we don't help others like that. We love sharing what we have. But we got blessed by a stranger and it truly lifted our spirits. My guess it did hers too. How about joining in this week and making someone else's day. And if possible, let your kids watch.

Five Signs That Your Kids May Be Settling For Just Okay in School

Let me start out by saying that there's little I dislike more than those parents who unfairly and needlessly push their kids to excel beyond reason or their normal capabilities, apparently trying to live vicariously through the successes of their offspring.

These parents are pretty obvious most of the time. They demand the best teachers and coaches, the kids have no social life and their children can rarely do enough except to be perfect.

However, on the other hand, some children will have a tendency to just get by, do the bare minimums, live on their natural abilities but not be the best they can be. They get decent grades, receive general praise from their teachers but may not be working up to their abilities and thus will need a nudge, challenge or even ultimatum from mom and/or dad depending upon the circumstances.

So let me suggest five signs you might look for that could be indicators that your child or teen needs some encouragement and direction from you or someone to get moving again.

They rarely talk about school in a positive way. Sure, lots of kids when asked how their day went give the classic response, "Fine." But over time kids who are trying hard, working their tail off and sincerely trying to do their best will talk about their successes and/or struggles because they want to do better. If you never hear anything about school, especially on the positive side, check things out.

Their grades and accomplishments don't change much. They get the same marks, do the same kinds of projects and write similar kinds of papers. While they're not doing terribly, you never see much improvement in their writing, mathematical thinking, musical skills or athletic prowess.

Homework is an afterthought more than a priority. Yes, kids today love their phones, video games, music and all that. That's normal to a point. But if you rarely hear them talk about homework or they always say, I did it in school, I wouldn't buy that and would check with their teachers. Some kids can get by on talent but that's rarely enough. 

They don't dream as much or talk about their special goals. Maybe the older kids used to discuss being an engineer or doctor or starting their own construction business but now they have more of a whatever attitude. Or the younger ones, not yet thinking seriously about careers, still rarely talk about what they could be someday even if it's unrealistic.

They don't seem to think they excel in anything anymore. At one time they thought they were an up and coming musician, ballplayer, artist or Lego builder but now there's nothing that captures their attention or purpose. So they just get by doing the average, same old things they know they can do pretty well but that's about it.

If your son or daughter seems to exhibit three or more of these tendencies you might have a talk with them and/or their teacher, mentor, coach, etc. No, the answer isn't to put the hammer down and demand that they now become a superstar in something. 

Instead, help them think about some goals, begin to go after them and remind them why having a direction and desire to keep doing better matters in life.  If you sense there are underlying issues that aren't being addressed then pull in a quality counselor who can likely get to the root of their insecurity.

Remember: a little change now can lead to huge results later!



 

Let's Honor The Real Men Of The Year

Yesterday another Citizen of the Year award was given by a national magazine to a supposedly brave, culture-impacting athlete. To read the headline you would think this person found a cause for cancer, fixed major crime in his city or saved hundreds of people in burning buildings.

And of course there are numerous awards like this one given each year, usually to musicians, movie stars and professional ball players who were more infamous than noteworthy and yet placed on a pedestal for their perceived courage, bravery and boldness.

And while I'm not going to address this particular person or award (he's had enough unnecessary notoriety already), I do want to offer honor and kudos to a group of men who in my mind should more appropriately be given well-deserved Citizen of the Year acclaim. They make up one of numerous groups that we could better lift up as examples to others, especially our children.

I want to suggest that we instead give our praise to every man who:

1. Works hard each week to provide for his family.
2. Comes home and plays with his kids even though he's tired.
3. Still dates his wife and the mother of his kids, making regular special time just for her.
4. Guards his family's activities and commitments to assure meaningful time together.
5. Often communicates his love, encouragement, faith and hope to his family.
6. Is honest about his own failings, temptations and lacks in judgment.
7. Shows respect to and appreciation for those in authority, government and law enforcement even when he may disagree.
8. Models serving and caring for others.
9. Makes his faith in Christ something that affects him everyday.

Yes, we could make the list way longer but the idea is there. We have men all around us who, though not perfect, are faithful, consistent, working hard and being far more courageous morally, spiritually, emotionally and practically. As I alluded to earlier, we could write about groups and subgroups of men, women and even children who model the same commitments, habits and passions.

Isn't it time we give them some love and honor rather than to those who do so little and yet receive the acclaim of a magazine, awards show or television appearance? I know this, it's these little known men, women and children all through our culture who are the ones that we'll not only remember longer but who will impact us in ways that are more likely to change us forever.

What If This Thanksgiving Had More Thanks In It?

Most every family has some sort of Thanksgiving traditions. Many are meaningful and remembered for years to come while others may be memorable but aren't particularly anticipated or welcomed each fourth Thursday of November. Of course there are the classic ones . . . . Alright everyone before we eat, let's each tell something we're thankful for.

And as the food cools, the preschoolers share their thankfulness for things like the sky, the dog and mommy (dad seems to always get left out) while older ones try to impress and keep things moving with one or two word answers such as God, food, my room and cell phones.

Deep, huh? Although one of the parents, usually the one about to also pray and allow the food to turn completely cold, rescues the moment with a tearful, Well, I'm just so thankful for my family. . . . and football!

Of course if you avoid some of the holiday disasters that have been reported over the years, maybe you should just be thankful for that.  For example, Thanksgiving dinner conversations can get heated such as when an angry Maryland woman one year stabbed her half brother with a serving fork. He was taken to the hospital with non-life-threatening injuries and she was arrested for first-degree assault.

But what if we intentionally tried to add more thankfulness to not just our holiday but more importantly to our lives and the souls of our family? Wouldn't that be a far greater result in this era of entitlement and privilege here in America?

How?

First, start affirming and even expecting thankfulness at home. No, don't turn your responses or comments into punishments or berating. Instead, start as early as possible to simply teach kids to say thank you. Model adding thanksgiving first to your prayers without immediately beginning to ask God for a list of things.

Second, don't give in everyone's expectations, personal preferences and demands. I know of many parents who allow home meals to become restaurant-like where everyone can order what they want, how they want it and what should come with it. Kids can instead learn to be thankful for what has been provided for them in that meal and later enjoy special times when their unique food wishes are granted.

Third, provide some experiences where the family is reminded how good they have it. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or for an organization that works with disadvantaged people. Serve at non-holiday times, too. A short mission trip accomplishes similar goals.

Fourth, talk specifically about the best things they have to be thankful for such as their salvation, life, health, a home, jobs, a good school, etc.

Finally, teach them to share some of what they have with others. For example, if they earn money, have them give ten percent or more to the church and other organizations.Some families give part of their Christmas or birthday funds to help others. This hurricane season is one setting where there's lots left to be done for many months.

However, you do it add some real thanksgiving to your home all year long and maybe you can avoid some of those embarrassing moments this November and actually eat your holiday dinner while it's still hot!

Thinking About The Kids When Your Church Is Struggling

Spoiler alert! There are no perfect churches. So, yes, your church will face problems too if it hasn't already. Some problems are minor, some a very big deal, but few can be kept private or away from young, curious ears and eyes. At some point your kids will probably hear something as well or perhaps should be brought into the loop.

Let me suggest a few principles that you might keep in mind if your fellowship experiences significant challenges. Of course, any actions and responses must be guarded and guided by the age of the children, the nature of the offenses and the people involved.

But in general several reactions are wise:

Clear up as much wrong or misleading information as possible.  Usually rumors and talk are guided by what people think happened rather than what they know for sure. Of course there are many implications and meanings to Jesus' comments in John 8 but his words, The truth will set you free, are certainly applicable here. And if you don't know the truth tell the children that you aren't aware of more but that you're not going to make assumptions.

Remind the kids that it's always important to talk TO the person(s) involved not about them.  Merely talking about them without their knowledge and without a biblical reason is gossip, nothing more, nothing less. People in churches often feel they have the right to go over someone's head before talking to them personally but Jesus again said otherwise in Matthew 18. Christ's church and individuals in it can be deeply wounded by words that are said to others even if there might be a sliver of truth in them.

 Pray together for the people involved, that God would bring healing and that the truth would come to the surface. If there are several opposing parties involved pray for them to find forgiveness, honesty with one another and resolution.

Commit to not talking about the situation with each other or others in the church.  Model for your children giving the authority and responsibility to handle things to the church leadership. They were put in place in part at least for that reason. Give them a chance to do their work.

Finally, talk with your kids about conflict being normal and okay if handled correctly. You might look at the story of Paul and Barnabas after their first missionary journey described in Acts. They disagreed dramatically and yet God blessed them both. Conflict is not a bad thing and can be used to bring healthy change and understanding.

If anything, when conflict bubbles up in your church, become a part of the solution and ask God to use it to grow the church, not tear it down. Jesus again said, By this will all know that you are MY disciples if you love one another.  Let's model that first and foremost and our kids will come through the difficulties just fine.

Why You Don't Want Your Kids To Feel Entitled

My wife and I went to an outdoor concert the other night featuring one of our favorite groups. And the performers did not disappoint. Their harmonies were incredible, the weather was perfect and I even got to slap hands with the lead singer who ran down the aisle next to me during one song.

There was just one problem. We were in about the 20th row from the front and after three or four songs, all the students in front of us (and hundreds of others) pretty much stood for the rest of the show. We ourselves either had to stand in front of hundreds of people behind us or basically not see the stage.

Now before you complain that I'm just this old guy complaining and should understand the common habits and practices at today's concerts, hear me out. First of all, we were in reserved seats, not on the grass or at an Austin, Texas club where there are no chairs. Second, this concert was heavily attended by 40 - 60 somethings. None of us had come there to hear Maroon Five or a popular rapper which would attract mostly youth.

And by the way, we attended a similar kind of concert at a different venue about a month ago and saw the same kind of thing. Two women, a mother and daughter this time, stood in front of a group for quite a while. When one of the blocked patrons said something the daughter responded with something like . . . It's not my problem.

First of all, the refusing to ever sit when in front of others seemed rude for starters. But it was also almost as if the students felt entitled to do what they wanted to do, to see what they wanted to see and not care about anyone else.

You see, that's what entitlement leads to and why we need to teach our kids that life and the universe aren't only about them. A sense of always deserving certain things breeds selfishness. It's going to be hard to teach children about giving up something for someone else if they believe that they have somehow earned or inherited the right to be first and most important.

Entitlement can also lead to laziness. "I'm entitled to this money, this education, this seat at a concert,"  or whatever so why should they expend any effort to sacrifice for themselves or others.

Entitlement also leads to an errant worldview. Our kids can begin to think that life must be easy, that others don't really matter the way they do and that relationships of all kinds must have them at the center. And sadly, many who think that way have entered or will embark on marriages or parenting still believing that life all revolves around them.

So mom, dad, take a look at how your home works. Do you directly or indirectly foster entitlement? If so, what could you do differently. Don't lecture them, just start acting differently, expecting them to contribute and/or sacrifice more. Give them less stuff and more of yourself. They are entitled to that!

Five Things They Won't Likely Teach Your Kids In School This Year

School starts soon. For some it begins next week while for others the opening bell is another month or more away. Parents are excited to soon get some normalcy and routine back into the schedule while most kids can't believe how quickly the summer flew by and that school is almost back in session.

And thankfully, many of our schools will do stellar jobs teaching science, math, history, etc. orchestrated by committed, passionate teachers who give their best for too little remuneration in most cases. But it's worth remembering that there are some concepts and life lessons that we often think our kids are learning that probably won't get much attention in the hallways or classrooms.

Let me suggest five of the most important lessons our children would benefit greatly by learning some about in school but probably will not. We could certainly argue whether they should be addressed or not in our educational settings. Nonetheless, it's important that we then think about how we are going to teach and model these vital lessons for life.

1. Our kids won't be taught how to deal with relational conflict. Sure, when two kids fight, the teachers break it up. When a few of them loudly disagree with each other they may be told to hold it down. When there is a conflict between student and adult, most leaders will be happy to get the student to agree with them or just do it because I said so.

But there will be little training or modeling of how to appropriately, wisely and maturely work through differing points of view accompanied by intense emotions. And while we could argue that schools need to focus more on learning the basics and their accompanying subjects, there is still a place for showing students how to handle points of view that differ or resolving everyday disputes they will face with others.

2. Our kids won't be taught how to think logically. In public institutions they'll be told more what to think or to only think about a limited slate of ideas, often ones that generally don't include conservative, religious views. But we, even as parents of faith, need our kids to learn to think through options, evaluate truth from a variety of perspectives and be able to articulate why we believe what we believe.

Even in classes math and science, there is value in learning how to compare ideas, use the scientific method and examine all points of view for their validity. But most public schools will stay away from arguments for perspectives they deem non-popular or not to be tolerated while sometimes in Christian schools the students are simply told to accept Christian perspectives with little consideration of any evidence or analytical thinking.

3. Our kids probably won't be taught the whole truth about history. History is often re-written in our schools today where past heroes can be portrayed as horribly flawed, where America is more the evil empire than the greatest provider of aid in the world. The role of Scripture, the church and religious leaders has been nearly erased in many textbooks these days.

It has become more popular to criticize America and its leaders today rather than to have a balanced and fair perspective on our country both past and present. While we don't have a perfect country or past, there is far more good in it than will likely be highlighted in our social science classes.

4. Our kids won't be taught that moral guidelines of the past have relevance in our culture today. Perhaps the most obvious one is that sex was intended by God to be enjoyed and to flourish in marriage between a man and a woman. I was watching a game show the other night and the prize was an overnight date with the person the woman chose as her favorite. And to make it worse, they told us that the date ended up with the woman actually hooking up with the limo driver the night of the date!

And yet, living together, having casual sex and one-night stands will be generally accepted, assumed or ignored in most of our school settings.

5.  Our kids won't be taught the value of life. Yes, certain poor treatment, abuses and even killings may be criticized, critiqued and bemoaned as they should be, others, such as the killing of life in the womb abortion or taking the life of someone in law enforcement if they feel the cause is justified will be ignored.

And of course, if we stop here the news for many of us and our kids isn't good. Yes, some of us will find more peace in our private school setting where some of these issues awill actually be addressed.

But it's critical that we as parents don't just sit back and hope for the best or let others do the important work for us of teaching our children the key things we want them to learn. Instead we must start, be proactive and find creative ways to teach them. We don't have to train them all by ourselves however. Some of what we can do is take our children to places, seminars, teachings and other experiences that can assist us with these important lessons. We can get them next to people who will model truth.

Start or continue the task now. Don't wait. Don't assume. Your school is less likely to help you than hinder you. So make the most of this school year -  and teach the other things, the missing things, at home.

Three Ways To Help Face A Difficult Mothers' Day

Tomorrow of course is one of the most important Sundays of the year (no, not the Super Bowl guys) besides Easter. For most it's a  day of celebrating, pampering and thanking mom for all she's done and continues to do for the family.

And I hope many of you will tell your moms how much you appreciate them and all they've provided and sacrificed for you over the years. However, some of you don't find Mother's Day something to look forward to at all. You've perhaps lost your mom recently, have no real relationship with her or will be a long distance away.

Whatever the case you might not be one of those who plans to enjoy the day much. The adulation for moms at church will only add more pain or sadness and you've thought seriously of just not going. You'll avoid the restaurants, too, because they'll be filled with moms and their families fawning over them.

You're thinking that Monday can't come soon enough and then you'll have 364 days of grace before you have to face the next one. If that's you, then you're not alone. And though I can't possibly take away the pain or other angst a Mother's Day might bring you, I can suggest a few things you might do to redeem the day at least a little bit.

If possible spend some time being thankful for the mom you had and the time you had with her. Yes, some moms would not induce much thanks and if that's your situation I understand. But a mom who passed away too young or was one of your best friends who's now not here is someone worth remembering. No one can take away your memories and much of what she invested in you is still a part of you. That's something.

Get to know what makes someone else's mom special to them. Yes, our hurt can make this difficult but take the step anyway. Ask a friend, other relative, neighbor or church attender what they appreciate most about their mom. Celebrate, even for a moment, their blessing and that they may be enjoying what you too still cherish. You just might make their day.

Finally, renew your commitment with God and yourself to be the best parent you can be, whether that's still ahead of you or current. And if you're not likely to be a parent pray similarly then for who you will continue to be as a person. You see, no event including the tragic loss or poor relationship with your mom has the right to steal your joy and growth now.

So this Mother's Day, don't get robbed. Ache, even cry if you need to, but there is some joy out there to be found. Make it and take it.  Let God give you needed perspective. You just might be surprised at how you do tomorrow.

Five Things To Teach Your Kids About Money

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.

"How did you do that?" he asked. "We weren’t looking for the same thing," she explained. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

Yes, kids have always had a less than stellar view of money, especially while living at home with one or more parents covering most of the expenses. They often don't appreciate how much effort it took to work for or save the money that provided their home, clothing food and the like.

However, we have to remember that our children will not likely learn to handle their finances wisely and appreciate what they have if they haven't been given some tools and practice using them before they leave the nest. So let me suggest five things that we as parents would be smart to put on our teaching agenda at home before they move on.

Teach them that you have to work to earn something. Too many kids get off easy when it comes to doing things around the house or they never get the experience of working for pay. Now of course, it's probably not wise to simply pay our children for everything they do, but as they get older there is wisdom in tying some extra chores to remuneration or their allowance.

Others may be able to get a part-time job in their later years like babysitting, cutting lawns or at a nearby store when they are old enough. And yet more and more parents these days are telling their kids to wait on work so they can add one more team or other activity to their already bloated extra-curricular schedule.

Teach them to save. If I have one financial regret in my six-plus decades of life, it's that I didn't commit to save at least $1 every time I got a paycheck. Of course, saving more is better and there are better options in many workplaces to help but get your kids to start the process now. We gave our kids some matching gift challenges, telling them that up to a certain point we would match the amount they saved giving them some needed motivation. But however you do it start a savings account that they can't touch until you say so.

Teach them to invest. I'm not a financial expert, but investing is how money grows. And there are simple options for our sons and daughters to use that will give them a taste of how to earn more money than the pittances given by many savings options today. Work with them so that they will naturally invest or take advantages of work options that will assist them down the road.

Teach them to give. You may or may not be a person of faith, but the Bible clearly tells us that one of the blessings of following Christ is to give a portion back to God and ultimately to others. And parents, whatever motivates your charity it has to start with you!  Give boldly, give sacrificially, give together as a family and talk about the blessings of doing so. When our kids were learning about money and began earning through a job or allowance we required that ten percent came off the top and was given to the church or a related group.

Teach them perspective.  The ultimate goal is not for our kids to accumulate more and be rich. Some might do that and God can bless them that way. But the bigger picture is to help them learn that everything they have is from God, that we're only taking care of it and that we're to manage it as well as we can.

If you've got work to do with your kids, there's likely still time. Have fun and . . . work hard.

Five Things To Teach Your Kids This Easter

There is a little funny that's not so funny, one that we pastors often say before holidays like Christmas and Easter. Here it is: Holidays are hard to write sermons for because the story is always the same. In other words, most of our regular attenders have heard the narrative for decades. And most visitors have at least some sense of what the celebration is about even if they don't have all the details quite right.

So our job is to try to keep presenting the holiday message in ways that continue to keep people's attention, make it practical to life and not bore then in the process. It's not always easy.

That's why I want to also challenge you parents to be a part of helping make this Easter, now just days away, come alive and not just be another special day. I'm not saying you can't enjoy dressing up a little, having some candy around or getting together with family. But God actually tells us as parents that we're to be the chief purveyors of biblical truth, example and understanding. Seems like that needs to include the preeminent day of our Christian calendar.

So let's think for a few minutes about what might be several of the most important things you could reinforce about Easter in your children, young or old, this year.

1. Teach them that Jesus is also the reason for this season.  Yes, we usually use this phrase at Christmas, but Easter is the rest of the story. Jesus came at Christmas to ultimately face Good Friday and Easter thirty-three years later. So don't let the candy and usual other festivities cause the rest of the Jesus story to take a back seat to the exciting and vital conclusion.

2. Teach them why Jesus had to die for us. This can be a hard concept but doesn't have to be. You might talk about how even in our community and national governments there are laws and when laws are broken there is punishment. Someone else can take the punishment but the laws don't change and the charges aren't dropped. Jesus died so that we could enter God's presence clean and holy, something we could never do ourselves.

3. Teach them that Jesus had to rise from the dead or He could never die in our place. He would have been just one of us then, someone who died but didn't come back to life on earth. His rising was proof that He was everything that He said He was, including being God, a perfect, unblemished Lamb, like those needed in the Old Testament.

4. Teach them how Easter has changed your life. It's just another nice holiday especially to children  if the day seems to have little significance to the ones who teach them about it. You don't have to get all theological or super spiritual either. Just show them how Christ's forgiveness, power and purpose have caused you to look at life and the people in the world through Jesus' eyes, not your own. What difference has it made in your career, how you run your home and what's important to your family? Tell them stories. They'll listen.

5. Teach them how to tell their Easter story to others - all year long. No, we don't need to be great evangelists or go door to door (which tends to be dangerous these days). Teach them to live life in a way that others ask them about why they make those choices, help them to learn to tell their salvation story in a simple form and how to lead someone else to Christ.

Of course, all five of these things are age-dependent and you'll need to introduce and adjust the details accordingly. But this Easter, let it be a weekend when Christ comes truly alive again in your home, your purposes and your talk. It could change your home forever.

5 Ways To Teach Your Kids The Bible Without Boring Them To Death

Jackie and I were on one of our annual couple getaways, a time each year when we put life on hold, found a nice hotel with a hot tub, enjoyed being face to face without much interruption and evaluated how we were doing. We would also try to come up with some next steps that we wanted to take to shore up a hole or two or simply be better as a couple or as parents.

This particular year, however, we realized that we weren't doing a very good job teaching our young children about spiritual things, biblical content and how to live in a way that honors Jesus. Like many, while we were blessed with godly parents and Christian homes, we still struggled with how to do family worship as some would call it, and yet have our kids (and us) actually enjoy it.

In addition our two kids, a boy and a girl, were nearly five years apart adding a few other challenges. So one of the ideas we came up with was to start acting out Bible stories rather than just read them from the Bible or other not so interesting book. We quickly discovered that younger children get especially engaged when they can be a part of the story.

Our son especially enjoyed being the lion to my Daniel while anything Amy could do to dress up made any story extra fun for her. All their stuffed animals lined up on our couch as we went through Noah and the ark made for an especially fun time. You can imagine how others might have turned out.

That little exercise helped us realize that there are other ways to get our kids into the Scriptures. I don't have time to cover more than a few ideas but I encourage you to think of ones that might work best in your home, with your unique kids, backgrounds and training.

However, let me mention a couple of directions you might go. One is to watch a movie and plan to talk about some of the implications afterwards. Of course, your choice of movie and even whether to use this idea will depend on the maturity of your children. If they're not old enough for a full-length movie, use a short piece that they can hang with long enough to get one important idea.

You can also serve together at a local shelter, retirement home, children's home or low-income neighborhood. Somewhere in the process read some of the key Bible passages (and there are many) about helping the poor, widows and others in need. Talk about their experience and let them verbalize other life lessons.

Do an interactive study where everyone gets to participate, answer a question or give a comment. Try using a simple method such as W-O-R-D, with W standing for worship and looking for a characteristic of God, Jesus or the Spirit. O stands for observe. R stands for reflect on what it might mean to you and D is do, what actions could come as a result of reading this passage?  Again, this must be age appropriate but it works.

You see, there are lots of ways to teach the Bible, to place God's truth in the hearts of our kids and yet do it in such a way that it is welcomed, enjoyed and embraced. Are you willing to try some things at your house this year? Training our kids in the way they should go is not optional, parents, and it's not up to the church or Christian school to do it all though they can help.

I wonder how many more of us just might look forward to embracing the challenges from our pastors and other leaders if we only had a little creative success along the way. Try it. You can't afford not to. Go for it.

Teach R-E-S-P-E-C-T Because It's Almost G-O-N-E

In January our current President was sworn in. But even some of his own party have chosen to work against him, not for him. Hollywood elites have publicly stated their own uninformed disdain for him and others with whom they disagree.

The other night so-called comedian Stephen Colbert unleashed about him one of the most vulgar attacks ever made against anyone on network television.

For months now police have been excoriated for just doing their job, mistreated at many junctures because one law officer did something unwise or even made a horrible mistake.

An NFL player the other day was found live on Facebook blatantly doing exactly what his coach was saying in another part of the locker room NOT to do. Soldiers these days are continually mocked, scorned and ignored for serving their country admirably. Respect?

College professors feel they can promote their religious faith, leaders or atheistic perspectives while making fun of or even providing lower grades to those who don't hold similar views. Respect?

There are few who are exempt from the new disrespect, now almost a badge of courage to many of those in the media, halls of politics or entertainment business. What has happened to treating people kindly even if we disagree with them? In my thinking respect is quickly being gobbled up by crass humor, entitlement, elitism and selfishness.

It's one thing to disagree with someone. It's another to call them names, speak about them in a setting designed for another purpose or to simply treat them as dirt because they don't happen to see or live life the way you do.

And it happens in many smaller arenas including churches, schools, local governments, neighborhood associations and restaurants. And what is even worse is that those doing the disrespecting demand the opposite for themselves or of those who they would support. It's what I call one-way tolerance.

What is respect? Treating another person with dignity and openness whether we agree with them or not. And if our culture is going to remove it then we parents must be that much more determined to require it of our children, model it and go the extra mile to see that it remains a value in our homes, churches and places of work.

How do we teach it? One, model it in your own conversations or commentary on public life. Use phrases like, we may not agree but that person still deserves our respect.

Two, ask those who disagree with you to 'tell me more.' Be willing to learn more about what someone else thinks before you respond to their perspective. Still be their friend and agree to disagree.


Three, I think we need to keep speaking out against the one-way tolerance and commentary. We can graciously write to our political leaders, television networks and editorial pages while speaking without apology about it to those we know. Maybe at some point a few people will finally realize that if we lose R-E-S-P-E-C-T we're going to also lose part of O-U-R-S-E-L-V-E-S, something that we may never be able to bring back.

Why Many Kids Today Are Killing Their Parents . . . Well, sort of.

Sadly, we read almost every week that some family dispute has again occurred and one of the members of what was a generally loving family, mom, dad or a child was killed by one of them. These scenarios are always tragic and horribly sad, but seem to be increasing in many part of the country, most notably larger cities.

However, there is also slow death and dying going on in many more families though thankfully, no one is losing their life per se. If not who, what's dying?

It's meaningful relationship.  It's family time, sometimes church attendance and involvement and memory making together. But perhaps worst of all, many husbands and wives are basically ending their marriage relationship the day their first child comes into the world. While the dwindling of togetherness may move slowly for a while, their relationship can almost disappear once their first child becomes involved in any activities and/or another child comes along.

And obviously more children (and of course more activities) simply add to the messy matrix that absorbs everyone's focus, time, attention and any hope for much in th eway of family interactions.

Sure we cover the problem by attending all their games and activities but most of our interactions are comments like, Call me when you need a ride or Good game! or Be sure you have your homework done.

We call it relationship when we're in their presence, say sitting in the auditorium or the stands watching them participate or driving them to a practice, but it's faux relationship.

And at some point wise parents make some key decisions, not ones that are always popular with family, school parents and the kids. Let me suggest a few of those important choices:

Limit the number of sports, activities, rehearsals and practices you children are involved in. Kids don't have to be in every sport, music group or advance class of something.

Make a family time vacation at least a once or twice event each year.  Plan it together, anticipate the possibilities and be sure there are group activities that are fun for everyone and don't require technology.

Be a mean parent and limit the amount of screen time your kids have on their pads, computers and other technological devices.

Parents need to plan regular husband and wife getaways that the kids actually observe them taking. This is modeling, folks, and your kids may not learn the importance of time together as spouses from anyone else. And single parents can work at saving up for their own getaways as well. That's what grandparents are for.

You can choose your own other ideas to give your family margin and more time for each other. In fact when all is said and done and the question needs to be answered, "What's BEST for our children and what's just GOOD or BETTER?

So often we focus on what looks best competitively for our family when we need to think about what would best help each child grow as a person, future leader, spouse and Christ follower while helping the parents to grow in their love and commitment to each other. And instead of killing their relationship a family like yours could actually be bringing life into your home. What could be better than that?

Why We Made Our Kids "Moons" Not the Sun

The solar system is amazing isn't it? Planets (okay, no more Pluto) revolve in continuous orbit around our majestic sun. Each follows a distinct path at varying distances away from the golden globe at our system's center causing a uniqueness in each locale of temperature, general climate and substance.



And even scientists with all their knowledge and brilliance realize there is still so much to learn.

But as incredible as this miracle of physics in God's creation is, it's not a great model for a family if the sun happens to be now occupied by the kids. And in many families that's exactly the situation.

The kids have become the sun and the parents, grandparents and who knows who else are now forced to revolve around them. Activities, vacations, days off and a lot of money are invested every day and every week to keep it all working. In fact, to run the analogy just a bit further, the kids actually can begin to think they're the center of the universe or in other words everything.

They become entitled . . . deserving in their minds of more time, investment and commitment by mom and dad and other siblings not yet acting as their own sun. And this misunderstanding of the familial solar system is hurting, even destroying many a home. Homes that revolve around the kids, as the planets do the sun, are typically not healthy and in many cases self-destructing.

One symptom of over-focusing the life of our family on the children has been parent-hovering, driven by moms and dads who won't let one detail of their child's life be threatening or hurtful. But interestingly, several articles have been published recently in well-respected magazines such as Psychology Today, suggesting that helicopter parenting as it is referred to is even more harmful than once thought.

Of course are kids should be important, loved and very special to us. But they cannot become the center of our home's solar system. That's why we tried to live as though our kids were moons, orbiting and reflecting light from us, light that we tried to reflect from our sun, the wisdom, direction, example and knowledge of God.

In practical terms, that also means that our schedule should, excuse the pun, reflect this same structure. If the kids are not the center of our system, then our calendar will not be all about them. Our lives won't orbit around our kids even though they deserve our attention and appropriate focus. But they will be moons, pulled naturally by other nearby planets, but not the sun.

And frankly, we'll all be better off as a result. We'll slow down. Kids will learn to respect and give to others rather than just get the attention and resources for themselves all the time. We'll all be less stressed and anxious about life, not trying to get it all done and being tired much of the time.

You see, just as God placed our solar system in a structure where each part works well with the others, families need to work the same way. And when kids become the sun then that order and structure gets disrupted and the parts can't work properly.

And while your family will still have its uniquenesses, you'll find yourselves when in the proper orbit enjoying each other far more, connecting on a deeper level and even growing more in faith and other things that really matter. And who knows, maybe even Pluto can be reinstated one of these days!

Why We Need To Quit Trying To Give Our Kids Everything

Another Labor Day weekend has arrived and millions travel, head to beaches, enjoy cookouts or embrace resting for an extra day much deserved. There will myriad parades, special events and end-of-summer celebrations as most of us in the north hope to stretch the warmer temperatures for just a few more weeks if we can.

And yet most of us forget that the holiday is called Labor Day. We ironically take a break from work to celebrate it and those whose work ethic has formed the foundation of this amazing country we live in.

But sadly, many modern parents seem to be skipping the part about teaching their kids what it means to work hard, sacrifice now to save for something later and to perform whatever labors they commit to in the future with honesty, commitment and respect for their leaders. Instead, there seems to be this tendency and temptation to just give kids more and more freebies, while doling out the dollars, gasoline and time so their wishes, longings and dreams will come true.

And yet, these same children will one day soon have to apply for jobs, start at the bottom of the ladder in many cases and stick with something they don't like at first to get to a job they one day will love. Who's teaching kids today what it means to work hard for something, be proud of what they do, endure challenges, relate to different kinds of bosses and stick with a task until it's finished?

I'm not suggesting that we go back to the good old days when our parents or grandparents worked in terrible conditions for pennies a day and eventually opened their own cleaners, bakery or machine shop where they remained for the rest of their lives.

But I am suggesting that it's unwise to simply let our kids do everything they want on our dime so that they don't miss out on any special experience or opportunity. You see when we take that approach they are missing out on something important - learning to work hard on their own, without the special privileges and minus the perks and resources that we provide now which won't likely be there later.

Let me suggest a couple of ideas for helping kids understand the meaning of hard work.

1. Make sure they have a job or two before they go off to college. It might be very part-time and low paying but they will get a taste of the real world.

2. As much as the take your kid to work idea seems contrived and manipulative at times, there's probably a reason to do it on your own time and in your own way. They will learn a lot about what an average day is like the real world and perhaps realize it's not all fun and games.

3. Volunteer as a family. While there's no pay involved there is usually some hard, rewarding work required.

4. Talk about your work, what it took to get there and what you expect from your employees. Let them ask questions, show them examples of your successes and even give them some lessons on how you spend the money you make.

I'm sure you can come up with other ideas. Whatever you do, don't let one more Labor Day go by without a plan to teach your family some more about work. It's what has made America great and what will sustain your kids for the rest of their lives . . .  if you work at it.

Five Things To Teach Your Teens Before They Leave The Nest

Let's face it. Teens are often vilified, considered rebels and emotional wrecks much of the time. Many parents hope and pray that everyone can just get along until they are out of the house.

However, the teenage years are an important time for parents to stay very intentional and involved in the ongoing training, development and maturity of their kids who will soon leave their home for good.

While there were challenges of course, we found our kids' teen experiences to be fertile ground for them to still learn important lessons about life that they would use for decades to come. Let me suggest five key goals for parents to have in their plan for adolescent training.

1. Teach them to communicate with adults. Teenagers of course interact with adults in a variety of ways in everyday life but there will be more important opportunities to come. They will need to sit in interviews with colleges and employers, communicate with bosses, neighbors and local merchants. I've met too many teens whose vocabulary with me consisted largely of, "Yeah," "sure," and "okay." That won't cut it in life.

2.  Teach them to make their faith their own. Many teenagers still believe in God, the Bible, salvation in Jesus and the like but have never determined for themselves "why?" Therefore, they lack the ability to also think according to Scripture and logically. Parents can help by initiating discussions and interactions about spiritual issues, tough questions and the validity/reliability of the Bible. Let them question without being criticized.

3. Teach them practical living skills. Both boys and girls need to learn to wash clothes, basic foods and pay bills. Other chores can be added depending upon your household. Of course, aptitude will impact just which skills go to a higher level. I have never been good at fix-it kinds of things so more training would have only moved me up a slight amount in my ability. Nonetheless, there were other things I was required to do that I still do today.

4.  Teach them to show respect, kindness and humility. We live more and more in a me, myself and mine culture so our kids are being programmed to have much of life about them. Give them opportunities to serve others, speak graciously and be polite.

5.  Teach them to work hard. The best way is to model it but make sure they get regular opportunities to work both at home and in the workplace. Expect them to do their best and not settle for average. Encourage them to serve others through mission work and or acts of kindness.

Seeing our adolescents succeed in these areas may seem small but the dividends will be huge and you'll have teens who stand out from the crowd!

Seven Simple Habits Every Parent Should Teach and Model

We all can think of the great sayings of all time, some from the Bible, others wise proverbs and many the timely thoughts of great leaders and individuals. Most of these principles suggest practical actions and regular behaviors that will make life better, more joyful and certainly fulfilling.

But there are some that aren't quite as well known and yet I'm convinced every child should be taught to do, repeat and embrace as they grow into adulthood. They're not complicated, scholarly or widely studied in the literature. But perhaps being reminded of the things on this list will help you as a parent work a little harder at making them more normative in your home.

  1.  Always make your bed. I know, young kids don't often think about this one and we may feel there are other more important things, but a made bed tends to cause other things that day to be more orderly.

  2. Always tidy up your desk before you leave work or a project. This has the same effect as #1 and gets a person more ready and organized for the next day.

  3. Say "I love you" often to the people you truly love. These moments can be gone before we know it and we all need the reminder that someone does care.

  4. Always do your share. No one at your home should be expected to do all the work for results that bless the group. Teach kids early on to help pick up, do dishes and assist with other chores. You're a team, a family.

  5. Learn to say you're sorry. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes. But walking away from something we did that was rude, unkind or unfair should be unacceptable. It's okay to be wrong, but it's not okay to forego righting a wrong.

  6. Don't always wait until the last minute. Projects, chores and other tasks can be planned and thought about ahead of time. If not, they tend to suffer in quality and we take on more pressure than needed.

  7. Give as much away as possible. Keeping stuff rarely satisfies. Giving to others almost always bring you joy and is way more fun in the long run.

Pick one or two of these to start working on or taking to the next level. They may seem like little things now, but the dividends down the road can be huge!  Happy parenting.

Staying Married 40 Years: The Tools of Commitment

Jackie and I are celebrating forty years of marriage today, Sunday, June 26th. We were married in 1976, the same year our country was founded.

Oh, wait a minute, it just seems that long and we look that old at times. We actually honeymooned in Canada during most of the 200th celebration of our country's establishment so we weren't too patriotic.

Sometimes we both feel as though we couldn't even be forty years old, much more married that long. On the other hand, we are incredibly blessed to still be husband and wife in a culture where silver, golden and even ruby (40) anniversaries seem to be fewer and fewer.

We were blessed with two awesome kids, who now have their own and have given us six grandsons. Wow, who would turn that down?

But we also know that we haven't been perfect and accept our warts, scars and ongoing challenges that others face. We didn't do everything right by any means and brought our own issues to marriage, ones that we too had to overcome by the grace of God. We've shared some of those stories elsewhere.

If we can share anything, however, it might be just a handful of attitudes and practices that have been handholds and footholds in our journey together, points of balance and strength that have kept us from giving up or giving in. No, we didn't do any of these perfectly but we made them consistent throughout the years.

One, we made time for each other even when we had kids or other significant responsibilities. I've written about this in other posts plus my book, Turn Up Or Turn Around Your Marriage, but I need to highlight the idea again here. We've almost always had a least a day that was dedicated to time together. We still do today.

When we had kids, we shared babysitters to lessen the costs, but we still made it a priority. That time kept us talking, relaxing, connecting and making each other a priority. We dreamed, planned and worked through things because we had the time.

Two, we said "I love you" a lot along with other encouraging words of life. Even in conflict we avoided name-calling, comparing and shame. We knew that words were and are powerful so we kept trying to speak life into each other. A related action is that we still act romantically towards each other in the everyday times - hold hands, sit together on the couch when we watch TV and kiss each other hello and goodbye.

Third, we were always a team - as parents, partners, dealing with finances, making decisions, disciplining the children. Everything we own, we both own. It's all ours even though there might be a few items that one or the other cherishes or uses more. One of our favorite things to do was to plan special trips or other events together.

Finally, though there are more I could talk about, we both looked to God, to Jesus and the power of His Spirit for our ultimate worth and happiness and the strength to live godly. Unlike the Jerry Maguire line, we don't try or expect to complete each other. We immensely enjoy each other's love and care and hope to keep doing so for many years to come. But we are clear that when it's all said and done, God is enough.

You see marriage is a wonderful taste of what only God can do in us all the time. That's why we sacrificed to give to Him over the years, to serve other in missions or special programs like MOPS. It's why we chose ministry together over just getting more stuff. And it's what we believe will make the rest of our years special, whatever time God allows us.

We do value so many who have been our models, mentors, teachers and encouragers. Some of you who will read this are in those groups whether you know it or not. Thank you.

And if our example can help you or someone else to keep committed to marriage and not give up, then it's been worth the difficult journey even more. Feel free to share this post with others who might benefit from hearing a little of our story.

As I like to say, never quit climbing. The view from the top is worth it!

Three Things That Can Steal From Your Kids' Summer

For many parents summer is often either a blessing or a curse. It's a blessing because the early mornings, school nights and mounds of homework end for a while.

It can be a curse because mom and/or dad have to figure out how to keep their cherubs happily occupied, busy and at least somewhat productive when they get bored after only three days without the classroom.

Of course, other factors include the ages, personalities, interests and initiative of each individual child. We parents have many tough jobs but one of them is their supervisory role during summer break.

As a result we can overreact and go to extremes, several which in my mind as a parent, counselor and student of the family cause long-term problems rather than help.

Let me suggest three perspectives and strategies to avoid:

Don't over-program their time.  I know that the trend these days and often the requirements for kids if they're going to be involved again in the fall is . . . MORE. More training, more games, more practice, more experience, more talent development. And all that requires more time, energy, money and in many cases travel for the family.

Of course there are times when we feel like there aren't any alternatives. I remember our son as a basketball player being required to attend summer camps, workouts, tournaments and the like. One year he also got mono so couldn't attend most of the required activities. The kid who started almost every game since seventh grade hardly played his junior year of high school. Really? What kind of coach does that?

Whatever the case somewhere along the way we have to say enough is enough. That doesn't mean we don't let the kids do any of the offerings, but we can say "no" to some. They need a break! They're kids, not recruits.

Don't merely let them get lazy because school is over. I was an education major and taught school for fifteen years. I know that kids forget a lot over the summer. How about giving them a couple of choices that allow them to apply their knowledge, remember the highlights and do it all in a fun setting different from school?

If they started a language find a work, play or learning setting that requires they use their language skills rather than just study them. Music, art, sports, math, science, writing can all be practiced over the summer in fun ways, even ones that are done at home without cost or a leader.

In addition, don't be afraid to tack on a few more chores at home. Teach them some practical skills now that they're around the house more. They can learn to cook, help with laundry and do more yard work. You won't be there someday, remember?

Finally, don't miss out on opportunities to use this more flexible time to serve others. While most parents don't intend to merely spoil and indulge their kids (okay some do), it's easy for our children to begin to think that family life should center around their interests, needs and wants. So, why not find at least one opportunity that your family does together and/or they participate in with a community, church or other area group to help and give to others?

Whatever you do, don't buy into the more is more, look the other way or it's all about me, isn't it habits of so many families these days. Be different, stand tall above the summer status quo. Who knows, it just might change the direction and course of your family for the coming year.