Putting Some Healthy Limits on Technology

A popular big-city restaurant recently offered its customers a 5% discount on their meal tab if they would turn in their smart phone for the duration of their stay in the restaurant. Apparently about sixty percent of the customers have accepted the offer. And I have a hunch some very good things have happened during those meals.

I would guess that couples are talking to each other more. They are more likely to be engaging in each other's lives and learning things they should have known but did not.

I would think that families are having more fun together and coming up with special ways to enjoy the moments they have with each other before their food arrives. Children probably have time to tell stories about their day or week and parents have more opportunity to just enjoy the spontaneous laughter and insights their children initiate when talked to and listened to intentionally.

Who knows what other good results will happen but it sure seems like they will be worth it, much more than the five percent discount.

Of course, it's not that technology is bad. I love it. It keeps me learning,  helps me organize my week and to stay in touch with other important people in my life. But it can subtly steal relationship from us, especially during meals and other places where our family is together. I've often seen husbands and wives or dads and a child sitting in silence during their time together in a restaurant, focused on their phone or newspaper. When will they ever get that moment back?  Probably never.

When did phone calls, often inane comments on a website from friends and updates on sports scores become so necessary and important?  We live a lot of life as though we will miss something important and be scarred forever.

The biggest scars,  however, will be those left in children and spouses where a cell phone became more important than they were in the eyes of those they love. We are hurting ourselves and our families when we let the mundane take precedence over the eternal.

So maybe more of us would be wise to put the phone aside at key times during the day, especially when in the company of our family. Who knows?  You might even get a little something knocked off your bill?

Three Cautions About Valentine's Day

OK, so some of you reading this are already mad at me for trying to spoil your special day, right? Believe me, I'm not attempting to mess up any good that will come out of your or my celebration. In fact, later today, my wife and I are going to celebrate a little early and also give each other something on the actual day. So there.

However, I need to use the occasion of Cupid's holiday to give us all some fair warning and challenge. Because you see, Valentine's Day and other somewhat man-made occasions designed to force us to do something nice can be deceiving.

First, they can help us feel better about the weaknesses in our relationship. We give each other a nice gift, card, dinner or whatever and then life continues on like normal. We feel good that we celebrated and were able to tell others about our gift giving but the rest of the year we're still struggling. We would be wiser to spend less on Valentine's Day and more towards counseling or at least time every week to be together and grow as a couple.

Second, they can distort what it means to truly be loving. Of course, the stores, flower growers and candy makers all want us to believe that giving their gifts will totally change our relationship. But we all should know at least that being loving is way more than giving some nice gifts now and then. Our gift giving is best when it's another gesture of the kind of love we've shared all year as opposed to making up for what we needed to be doing every day.

Third, they can cover up what it means to be truly intimate. I've said in other posts that intimacy in marriage involves way more than sex.  It's closeness of body, soul and spirit. That takes a lifetime to begin, develop, sustain and enjoy. No holiday gifts will come anywhere near that kind of intimacy.

Perhaps this year, in fact, the two of you can talk about ways to increase your intimacy in all three areas.  Set some goals, get rid of some activities that you really don't need to do anymore.  Use that time for each other instead. Marriages usually don't break up because of one hard hit. They erode because of lack of attention over many years.

So, sure, go celebrate with your sweetheart. Do something nice and surprise him or her. But this year make it your goal to start or continue a relationship that has so much love in it all the time that Valentine's Day is just another beautiful rose in the bouquet of your life together.  Hmm . . . where did I put that card?

A Lasting Marriage: The Power of a Kiss

The other day I discovered that my wife had a bag of Hershey's Kisses in the pantry. I hadn't seen that many of those for a while but I quickly remembered how much I had always enjoyed them. And then I also realized that they've been making those kisses for a long time.

I remember having them as a kid, pulling on the little string sticking out on top, unwrapping the shiny cover and popping it into my mouth. In fact, just to enjoy that memory a bit more I took a few out of the bag in the pantry and re-did my ritual from years ago.

I'm glad those Hershey Kisses are still around but I wonder how many couples are taking advantage of the importance of a kiss or two around their house. Sure, the passionate kind are probably still pretty popular in our most romantic moments but I'm talking about the small ones that come in simple wrapping and are just a taste for more.

I think those little kisses represent a lot in a marriage and say much to our spouse about what they mean to us. Regular little kisses are first of all touches. You probably know about the studies done on the importance of touch with a newborn. The truth of the matter is we all need human touch on a regular basis and a kiss adds extra spark and importance to that touch when it's with your spouse.

Second, little kisses show that we notice each other and that we're important to the other. When we come together after a few hours, a day or even weeks, a kiss says, "I missed you," and "No one or no thing is more important than seeing you again right now."

Third, kisses suggest that we want to be with and show affection that isn't only centered around sex. When we skip simple acts of touch, tenderness and closeness we can send the message to the other person that we only value that intimacy when it's in the bedroom. Chances are that if we regularly give kisses we're also often holding hands, giving back rubs and sharing hugs.

Finally, regular kisses can be one of many good habits that add to our relationship. Like having date nights, regular time together, praying for each other and the like, kissing adds a healthy connection that will add strength to your emotional foundations and love for each other.

So, if you've been off the "kisses" lately, try a handful in the next few days. Somehow I have a feeling you'll be saying to yourself like I did with those Hershey ones, "You know, I think I'd like another."

Marriage Energizers: Some of the Fun Is In The Planning

We've all had the experience of picking up our camera, looking at our watch or grabbing a needed flashlight during a blackout only to discover that the batteries were gone or failing, right?  And then we usually discover that we don't actually have a replacement anyway. Irritating to say the least.

In the same way married people can have their emotional, physical and spiritual batteries worn down as well and periodically we need to recharge them.  How?  By doing things together that allow us and our spouse to spend time together, relax, think about things out of the ordinary and slow down.

The specific activities will of course depend upon the couple so let me simply offer a few basic helps and guidelines.  First, find some things you can do together and places you can go on a fairly regular basis. We like to hike so we've found several books that show us trail options all around central Texas where we live. We read up on the possibilities and then talk about which ones might work best on a given day off.  We generally take a day off every week but the important thing is that we do something like this together on a frequent basis.

When the weather is too hot or too cold, we find other options but we still do something.  And half the fun is in the planning!

Second, dream about and start working on a bigger getaway at least once or twice a year.  Bigger might be just a weekend or it could be a longer vacation.  Bigger might involve going far away or just close to home.  Nonetheless, let it be something that you wouldn't just do on a whim. Make it a next tier event that offers a little more time together and a little more commitment. And remember, half the fun is in the planning.

Third, build some milestone events into your marriage.  Yes, special anniversaries can provide a great incentive but you decide what works for you. And when it comes to planning these are the most fun of all. You can start looking online, at brochures or talking to people about ideas months, even years in advance.  The two of you will actually find that anticipating the trip is really exciting and it gives you something special to look forward to even while you're facing the challenges of every day.

We've been planning a special anniversary trip to Alaska and we're just months away from leaving.  We can't wait but even now we watch specials on TV about Alaska, bought new boots and are trying to figure out what clothes we need for the cruise part. The trip will be great but planning has truly been half the fun.  It's these kinds of energy building events in our marriage that help keep us filled up, connected and able to face the bigger challenges when they come.

How are your marriage batteries?  Don't wake up one day to find out that all of a sudden there's not much charge left. Get your battery chargers out . . . because . . . half the fun is . . . . Well, you know.

Is There a ME in Marriage?

There's a billboard near our house advertising diamonds that says, "She'll owe you big time!"  Of course the idea is that if he buys her their beautiful diamond engagement ring she will be somehow obligated to him later. He'll get something in return for him. Wow. Really?  Now there's a great motive for marriage.

On the other hand, it's a fair question to ask, "When people marry do they totally give up themselves?  Is there no place for ME in my marriage?"  Or to use the old cliche-laden idea, there is an "I" in marriage, isn't there?

Well, as presidents so often like to say, let me be perfectly clear.  Marriages won't make it and really aren't much of a marriage if either or both partners is more concerned about themselves than the other person.  Marriage is truly a union, a spiritual union as I see it, that is more than two people signing a paper, living in the same house and having sex.

It requires an understanding and acting out of sacrificial love, care for each other, the willingness to share hopes, dreams, finances and the future. It involves an emotional and spiritual meshing of two lives where they become better and stronger as one than they ever were separate.

However, they do not and cannot lose their individuality.  Married people don't and shouldn't become some amorphous blob where each person disappears. Let me suggest several ME actions that we as spouses must take if we want to keep our marriages thriving, healthy and growing.

First, we must continue to do those things that fill ME up emotionally, spiritually and physically.  Some of those things we may do together as couples but some we may not.  We need time to think, to read, to ponder, to relax and to plan. When our "tank" is empty we then have less to give to the other person.

Second, we must have freedom and a forum to express ME thoughts and emotions.  This is one that both spouses must encourage, welcome and embrace for the other. Too many couples make little time or rarely give permission for their spouse to be honest, authentic and struggle emotionally.  Some spouses treat other out there ideas from their partner as silly and unrealistic. We're often pretty lame at listening and understanding each other.

Third, we must protect ME if abusive or dangerous situations arise because of our spouse.  There's nothing noble or loving about staying in a home where your life is in danger. In a healthy marriage people don't just take it when things become critical.

Fourth, we must keep affirming our own worth and value.  We may not feel lovable, smart or that we have purpose but we do matter in spite of our past or current circumstances. We may not deserve it in human terms but God's love is bigger than our weaknesses.  Jesus said we must love others as we love ourselves. So we must learn to love ourselves as He loves us, not in some arrogant way but with humble thanks.

In fact, when we feel more confident about who we are we demand less that the other person somehow make us feel good enough.

So you see there is an "I" in marriage and it is worth thinking about ME.  It fact it's vital and important. Just don't make everything at home about ME.  Then you just become a pain.

That Three Letter S Word

OK, so it's time that I talk some more about that three-letter word that starts with S. It's so difficult to mention even though we know we think about it all the time.  Of course I'm talking about SOX.  No not the White Sox or Red Sox, but the "socks" that you men still throw on the floor.

It's one of those little things that yes you do to passively-aggressively (I am a counselor you know) annoy your wife. She hasn't mentioned it since the second week of your marriage but every time she picks them up she throws them into the clothes hamper with a "Hmmph" that expresses her continuing deep hatred of your laziness and obsession with ESPN.

She's even considered just hiding them all until one day you look in your drawer before work and realize there are no socks to wear on a day when the temperature is barely above freezing.

Actually, there are hundreds of little sock-like annoyances that can crop up in a marriage which can slowly destroy our relationship. Or we can figure out how to live with them or at least work through them. I have a favorite pre-marital counseling theorem that I often use with couples:  If you throw your socks on the floor before you get married, you'll throw them on the floor after.

Your wedding day changes nothing when it comes to your habits.  Just because you went to this beautiful worship center or outdoor venue for your wedding, enjoyed the company of hundreds of family and friends and said your vows before "God and these witnesses," you will still be you the next day.  You won't likely say, "Oh, I'm married now so I won't be doing such and such (well, except dating, I hope) again."

So how do you handle those little annoyances like socks on the floor or how they brush their teeth or the way they clean or don't clean or whatever?  First, you remind yourself that you love this person including the good and the bad.  Part of loving someone is accepting who they are faults and all.

Second, you determine just how important their changing is to you, your family and your overall safety.  For example, if your spouse enjoys driving eighty miles per hour around town with you and the kids in the car, something needs to change. However, if they leave a drawer open now and then is that worth a fight or major discussion?

Third, when something does need to be discussed speak the truth in love.  Don't turn a habit into a character-fault issue.  "You are such a lazy bum.  Why can't you pick up your stupid socks?  Your parents obviously thought you were the center of attention and I'm telling you that's not going to be the case in this house?"  Tell them how it makes you feel and what you need that would help you feel differently.  In fact check out my posts on communication - there are some helpful tips there.

Finally, learn to compromise.  What could each of you do to make the issue that much less problematic, annoying or threatening.  Part of intimacy is looking at the things in each of us that aren't so pretty so get them out on the table and work out a solution that you both can accept if you can't stand things the way they are.

But remember, when it's all said and done, most of our annoyances are about us more than the other person and many of our annoyances are far worse than theirs. You only have so many days together.  Decide today which parts, the good or the bad, you're going to focus on during the years you have left!  And for Heaven's sake, go pick your socks up.

Real Intimacy - Part 2 - The Soul

In this post let me this time discuss intimacy of soul. Soul intimacy means we reveal to one another our feelings, thoughts, wills, goals, and personalities. Intimacy in every area, like we think of physically, involves exposure of one another but that isn't easy.

That was Adam and Eve's problem in the garden. They didn't want to be exposed for who they really were. Note Adam's response to God in Genesis 3, "We were afraid because we were naked so we hid." Many times, rather than admit our struggles or weaknesses we just hide. Exposure isn't easy, especially in the soul arena, but let me offer some practical help.

Gary Smalley suggests that there are five levels of communication from shallow to deeper that we must understand: cliches, facts, opinions, feelings and needs.

Most couples get beyond cliches and can usually talk about facts and opinions. Facts are pretty important since sometimes couples argue about things that they don't even know all the details about. But so many couples get paralyzed on the opinion level. "I think we spend too much money." "No we don't." "You just bought a TV last week and didn't even tell me." And then battle goes on from there. Couples think they have to be right, they can't look bad and then the name-calling and yelling start.

If only couples would learn to go to the next two levels. First, listen and discover what the other person is feeling. And be sure you actually hear a feeling not just something like, "I feel like you never listen to me." That's just another form of an opinion. A feeling would be more like, "I'm hurt because it feels like you weren't listening to me last night."

Once the feeling is discerned - anger, confusion, being overwhelmed, hurt, etc. - it's time to take one more step. (Note: Discovering feelings takes time and should not be rushed.) Start moving toward that fifth level. "What do you need from me that would make you feel less confused right now?" "What did you need from me last night that wouldn't have caused so much hurt?"

Needs help provide an action point along with extra depth in truly understanding the other person. When we ask what the other person needs from us it's not necessarily an admission of guilt. We're simply admitting that yes there is something we might be able to do to help and understand. And if we were wrong then meeting a need helps us learn to do better next time.

When we're willing to risk going to levels four and five we can begin to taste what it really means to be intimate in soul.

In fact, many women, including my wife, have told me that often what they want most is to simply have their feelings understood. They don't always need an answer or a fix.

But . . . there's one big problem apart from just practicing levels four and five and making them a habit. I spoke earlier about the "battle" that goes on for our worth? If our worth is on the line during our discussions with our spouse, we will find it hard to want to really understand the other person. Instead we'll demand that we win, that we look good and come out on top or "right."

If that's your problem, don't miss my next post when I'll talk more about where our identity is really found. But if you are confident about who you are and ready, take some time to practice levels four and five on your spouse. You'll be surprised at how intimate your souls can become and how much closer you get to each other and to God.

"Real Intimacy in Marriage"

Recently I was part of a panel at our church answering questions about the challenges people face in marriage. It got me to thinking, "What would I say if I could only say ONE thing to or share one concept with married couples?"



I think it would be this: Real intimacy requires closeness and exposure of body, soul and spirit. In fact, this is the outline I use in premarital counseling with couples planning a wedding. We talk at length about how to start and sustain intimacy in each of these areas.

Obviously, couples have a pretty good idea of what physical intimacy is all about although I try to share some practical hints and ideas in that area too. But what they often do not understand is that even physical intimacy is closely connected to the intimacy enjoyed or not enjoyed in soul and spirit.

Let me briefly talk about these other two areas. Soul intimacy involves the connecting of our feelings, thinking, wills and personalities. The soul is of course that part of us that makes us who we really are, the part we don't really see but know is there. The soul involves the deepest recesses of who we are, what we long for and our most passionate affections.

Sadly, many couples never or rarely connect on a soul level. They are too busy just surviving, having a good time, or trying to accomplish things they think will make them happier or more important. Husbands and wives, however, both usually long to be understood, to have their perspective heard and to be accepted anyway. We thirst for soul intimacy but avoid it nonetheless.

This is often why one spouse will be attracted in their workplace, church or community to someone of the opposite sex who pays them some attention, listens to them and treats their more intimate thoughts with greater care.

If we are going to enjoy true intimacy in our marriages then we must both make time to interact on this deeper level and then meaningfully and effectively enter into the soul world of our spouse. We will have to learn to listen well, to put the other person's feelings and thoughts into our own words and then express what we've heard to them. It's not hard, but it takes work and practice. And it doesn't happen overnight.

In my next post I'll give you some practical help on how to connect on a soul level more intimately.

Spiritual intimacy is very closely tied to soul intimacy. Some would even argue that the spirit and soul are the same. I believe there is significant overlap but there also seem to be some distinctives and the Bible tends to use both terms as well.

For now, let's simply think of our spirits as the part of us that communicates and connects with God. By this definition the soul is certainly included in our connections with God, but there also seems to be more. In a marriage, a connection of spirits occurs when people pray for each other, when they discuss spiritual things, when they serve God together and see the spiritual blessings and favor of God in their own lives and in others.

Again, many couples, even those who attend church regularly and would call themselves Christ followers, rarely connect spiritually. They don't pray together or for each other while they go off to church and then head home without a word of interaction about what they saw, heard and experienced.

Real, deep intimacy also must include a regular and ongoing spiritual connection of two people. There are no magic formulas but a simple place to start would be to simply pray for and with each other on a regular basis and/or to talk once each week about spiritual lessons or ideas you're learning as a result of your own spiritual journey.

The Making of an "Affair" part 2

In my last post I talked about how affairs start and progress. The first stage occurs when we become vulnerable. We're not communicating, we're hurting from a major loss, some aspect of life is especially trying or we simply quit paying attention to one another. During those times we can find comfort with another person of the opposite sex which can lead to what I call engagement.

We don't intend to be unfaithful but through a simple conversation or two, coffee, a lunch, some back and forth bantering, an internet connection or regular interactions within a group, we start to become attracted, at least on an emotional level. We may see our connection with them as innocent but because it feels so much better than how things seem in our marriage we go back for more.

And if we continue to become more intimate in soul and spirit with the other person the next step can lead to a physical betrayal and adultery. In fact, as I said last time the betrayal already began and the affair had actually started emotionally. However, once the physical line is crossed the road back becomes more difficult and painful.

Marriages can be devastated, ministries lost and reputations ruined. Spouses usually have to face coworkers, family and friends telling them through their tears what happened and how they've let them down. Many spouses unfortunately make it worse by continuing to try to cover up the truth rather than facing the facts and dealing with them.

So let me talk first to those who have entered into an affair whether it's known or not. Stop now. No excuses. Stop. Your marriage can make it but the road you're on is a road to more damage and pain not health. Get some help from a friend, pastor and/or counselor. Come clean and do the right thing.

Don't hurt your spouse, children and marriage any more by waiting. You will have to face a long journey of counseling, discussions, changing of habits and the like. There is no shortcut. And there is no guarantee that your marriage will make it. But if you are Christ followers you have a much better chance to get through it. In fact, eighty percent of marriages impacted by an affair stay together although sometimes they don't remain in a healthy marriage.

Become accountable to someone for the rest of your life. Being in community with others who love you will pay incredible dividends. Determine that you will do whatever it takes to restore the marriage relationship you committed to years before.

But let me secondly suggest to all of us what we can do now to help avoid compromising our marriage vows or getting into that situation again. First, don't have exclusive close associations with members of the opposite sex. Jackie and I together have female friends, but I alone don't have my own female friends.

I don't even go to coffee or meet in a restaurant with any women alone. I want to do everything I can to guard against any inappropriate connection or the impression of one. I also don't want to risk a relationship with another female that is attractive even for a short while.

If you're in a setting where regular connections with the opposite sex are required or regular (I am), then set up appropriate and healthy boundaries. Make your decisions now what you will and won't do. It's better to be overly careful without being an annoyance or rude. But if your employer, for example, is unwilling to work with you on those boundaries, seriously consider your options at that job. I realize that may not seem very practical in our current economy but how practical is it to lose your marriage.

Second, keep growing in marital intimacy. Couples who are talking to one another regularly don't need to find someone else to talk to about their struggles. Couples who are praying for one another and growing in their faith aren't tempted to find spiritual connections somewhere else. If you serve others together you'll grow tremendously and help anchor your relationship. Because you see, unfortunately the church and other seemingly safe places are often where many affairs start.
Also, keep evaluating with each other how you can make more time together, get away from time to time and work on your relationship in general. Make time to enjoy your physical relationship too. I like to say that if you don't seduce your spouse now and then, someone else might!

Third, get help when you need it. There's nothing wrong with letting someone else look into your marriage and help you walk through the rough spots. Guarding your heart is your responsibility and it will protect one of the most important possessions and relationships you'll ever have. And it's worth it!

The Making of an "Affair" part 1

This is a topic I'd rather not be writing about but it's too important and relevant to skip. I deal with couples every week who have been torn apart by inappropriate relationships with the opposite sex. I see the pain and long agonizing months and even years it will take to bring healing and reconciliation.

I also sadly observe the couples who don't make it because the pain is too great and/or one or both won't accept the hard work it will take to be restored. Add to that children who can be impacted by it all and it makes you wonder why anyone would risk facing all this.

However, what I want to make sure we all understand, including me, is how vulnerable any marriage can be to an affair. That's because the majority of affairs do not just happen. There were several stages that the offender went through most likely thinking that there would never be a problem. Unfortunately, they were wrong.

So let me in this first post on this important topic suggest some of the dangerous phases of our relationships and their warning signals that can help us avoid the tragedy of an affair.

We must first be aware of and address the times when our marital relationship is vulnerable. Our relationship is particularly at risk when . . . there is significant stress (which is most of the time), when we're not communicating well, when we've gone through a difficult emotional experience such as death, job loss or other personal challenge.

We can be vulnerable when we're too busy to spend significant, intimate time with each other and our relationship is just on auto-pilot or in orbit. We are in danger when our children's attention and activities are allowed to rob us of meaningfully connecting with our spouse.

The problem is that when we're hurting and not relating with our spouse, we can easily be attracted to someone else who does connect with us. They may be the associate at work, the volunteer or staff person at church or even a neighbor who simply shows us a little attention. But when we talk to them they listen, they're interested in us, they follow-up concerning our struggle or even pray for us!

In those times of need some meaningful interest from another person, interest that we're not getting from our spouse for whatever reason, is like a cup of cold water in the desert. It tastes wonderful and without thinking much about it we long for more. So we find ourselves wanting talk to them a little more, spend a bit more time with them, send them one more email/text or even consider having coffee or lunch. That leads to the second stage which I'll call engagement.

We start to connect with this other person beyond our normal relating. We can begin to take risks and not care because the thrill of having another person care about us seems so worth it.

Of course, we disguise it by saying it's nothing or it's just for business. We call them just a good friend and a person whose wisdom and advice we find helpful. But without knowing it we could be on our way to an affair. Why?

Well, intimacy is more than physical, contrary to much of Hollywood's perspective. Intimacy involves body, soul and spirit. When we start to expose our soul and spirit to someone of the opposite sex, we're starting to become intimate with them. Is that necessarily all wrong? Of course not. But it's dangerous because the physical was designed by God to work in tandem with soul and spirit in men and women.

This is why affairs are so prominent among religious leaders, counselors, doctors and therapists - there is much soul and spirit connecting that goes on between those leaders and those they work with every day. Now obviously an affair does not need to be the result but we must be intentional about doing our part to keep things from escalating beyond appropriateness.

Because if we're not careful we'll at some point move to the next stage - betrayal. Yes, in some sense the betrayal has likely already started but at this point a significant line is crossed. That line is usually a sexual relationship that has started but it doesn't have to be physical. It may be emotional but the connection is at a new level. The spouse begins talking and relating to that other person about things that are deep within. They share words meant only for their spouse but they don't care anymore.

They may even take their "spirituality" to a new place, praying for each other, sharing Bible verses and being involved more deeply in serving together. It may sound and look acceptable but it's not.

If you find yourself at this place or headed in this direction, I want to plead with you right now to stop. Get some help. Talk to someone. Quit the relationship today. The consequences are too great. God said that we're to give ourselves only to our spouse and he said that for our good.

I'll talk next time about some practical things you can do to keep yourself from ever getting to this place. In the meantime, as Proverbs 4 says, guard your heart.

Time For Two: Part of the Glue of A Great Marriage

A little child was once trying to get the attention of his daddy. So he walked up to his father who was reading the paper and said, "Daddy?" And dad responded without even looking up, "What son?" To which the little guy tried again and said, "Daddy?" To which the father said once again with a little more energy, "What son?"

After several times trying to get through to dad, the little boy climbed up into his dad's lap between him and the newspaper, put his hands on his father's cheeks and said, "Daddy, listen to me with your face!"

Sadly, a lot of couples rarely, if ever, listen to one another with their faces. That's why for most of our marriage, we've taken a day or part of a day that's just for us. Even before we had kids and now after our children are grown and living on their own we still have a day that is ours to be together. It's not that we're not together other times or never talk on other days, but we've learned that those other moments tend to be different than our day off by ourselves.

And when we did have children, we worked hard to keep that time as much as we could. For example, when the kids were little, and even though we didn't have a lot of money, we found someone who we could swap babysitting with us every other Saturday morning. They would take our kids for a few hours one week and we would take theirs the next.

It is doable but we have to make time together a priority. You might say, "Well, what's the big deal about putting aside special time?" First of all, special time gets interrupted less. If you know the time is for you, then you'll guard it better from interruptions, tendencies to do work and getting distracted.

Second, when you make the time special you do more special things. We're big on the outdoors so here in Texas we spend a lot of Mondays hiking in the hill country and trying out new parks or trails that we haven't seen. We go back to some we've especially enjoyed, too. When the weather is too hot (or too cold where you live) you can find indoor things that are enjoyable like movies, museums, aquariums or whatever.

Now granted we also use some of that time just to do errands if need be. We are more likely to do some of our projects together just because we both got involved in the planning stage. Sometimes we take a day off at home, too, and just rent a movie, read books, swim in the pool or take a nap. Whatever the case, we know that time will be more special and we'll be more intentional about making time to talk, think ahead and just get to know each other better.

Some of you might be thinking, "Well, we just can't afford to do that right now with our kids' schedules, our job demands and other commitments." Let me say it this way - you can't afford NOT to find the time. Your marriage needs the glue of time together, of meaningful conversation and developing continuing intimacy of body, soul and spirit. If you've been finding together time, keep on! If it's been slipping away, start small, but start again.

Once you start my hunch is that you'll likely wonder how you lived without it.

Marriage Insurance - Guard Your Heart.

The wisdom-filled book of Proverbs in chapter 4, verse 23 suggests a profound and vital guideline for life in general and certainly for our marriages: Above all else, guard your heart. We must remember that while we may be totally committed to our spouse and have the best of intentions in every situation, our hearts can be swayed by another.

This can be especially true during times when our normal communication and interactions with one another are strained or limited. This can happen during extended times of separation, one of us having an illness, our children being new or very young and when our marriage hits other rocky spots.

If we're not on guard, another person's attention, interest, listening ear and even spiritual maturity towards us can become very attractive, filling a need that isn't being met at home. There may be absolutely no desire to be involved with one another but we can start to connect on a soul level that can fill an empty place in us that feels wonderful at the time. We can start to want to be with them even more because their attention feels like a cup of cold water in the desert.

This is often how affairs start. A physical connection comes but only after the soul and spirit were joined. And let's not be naive here. Inappropriate relationships between two married people or a married person and another often take place in Christian settings including the church. Christians often spend large amounts of times as leaders, church staff and the like getting close to one another through ministry, prayer, meetings and activities.

Picture the worship team, for example, who regularly practice, encourage one another and pray together. They're doing things that matter for God's glory and have wonderfully fulfilling times being with one another.

Those kinds of situations are usually a good thing but only we guard our hearts! Keep male and female relationships appropriate. You may think our approach is too strong but I'll share it with you any way. Jackie and I never have coffee or a meal alone with someone else of the opposite sex who isn't a relative. I never counsel with a woman alone when there isn't someone else in another office nearby. In addition my assistant always knows she's there.

We are committed to guarding our hearts. Neither of us have opposite sex friends who aren't also the friend of our spouse. Once a number of years ago I was counseling a female college student at my church and she locked her keys in her car. She asked if I would be willing to take her the short fifteen minutes into her apartment on campus to get her keys.

My response was that I'd be happy to do that but I needed to see if my wife could go along. Sure enough Jackie was able to join me and we took her to get her extra set of keys. You know, that was an important decision for me to make for me, but it sent a strong message to Jackie as well that I'm not going to take risks with our relationship. Was a college student interested in an old guy like me? Hardly. But guarding my heart was just as important as protecting her whether that mattered to her or not.

We've all seen relationships implode because of immorality or an affair, haven't we? And I know I've rarely seen that happen without drastic consequences. No one's ever said to me, "You know, Gary, I'm kind of glad that affair happened. It really has worked out for the best for me and my family." Instead, there is deep heartache, hurt and pain that stays for years. Even if healing and restoration occur (and they can), the process is long and involved.

Save your marriage from all that. Put up some appropriate, but wise barriers now and let God help you guard your heart!