Seven Simple Habits Every Parent Should Teach and Model

We all can think of the great sayings of all time, some from the Bible, others wise proverbs and many the timely thoughts of great leaders and individuals. Most of these principles suggest practical actions and regular behaviors that will make life better, more joyful and certainly fulfilling.

But there are some that aren't quite as well known and yet I'm convinced every child should be taught to do, repeat and embrace as they grow into adulthood. They're not complicated, scholarly or widely studied in the literature. But perhaps being reminded of the things on this list will help you as a parent work a little harder at making them more normative in your home.

  1.  Always make your bed. I know, young kids don't often think about this one and we may feel there are other more important things, but a made bed tends to cause other things that day to be more orderly.

  2. Always tidy up your desk before you leave work or a project. This has the same effect as #1 and gets a person more ready and organized for the next day.

  3. Say "I love you" often to the people you truly love. These moments can be gone before we know it and we all need the reminder that someone does care.

  4. Always do your share. No one at your home should be expected to do all the work for results that bless the group. Teach kids early on to help pick up, do dishes and assist with other chores. You're a team, a family.

  5. Learn to say you're sorry. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes. But walking away from something we did that was rude, unkind or unfair should be unacceptable. It's okay to be wrong, but it's not okay to forego righting a wrong.

  6. Don't always wait until the last minute. Projects, chores and other tasks can be planned and thought about ahead of time. If not, they tend to suffer in quality and we take on more pressure than needed.

  7. Give as much away as possible. Keeping stuff rarely satisfies. Giving to others almost always bring you joy and is way more fun in the long run.

Pick one or two of these to start working on or taking to the next level. They may seem like little things now, but the dividends down the road can be huge!  Happy parenting.

Five Essential Things To Ramp Up At Home Next Year

Okay so very few of us ever follows through on a New Year's resolution. But maybe if we put our minds to it we could actually make a change or two over the long haul. Let me actually suggest five areas to work on to take your home to a higher plane this year.

First, spend more time with your spouse. The number one reason couples struggle is because they don't act like friends much anymore. And remember when you were dating you had little trouble spend huge amounts of time together. While you were busy very little got in the way of your time together. That has likely changed big time. Make time again for each other.

Second, make more memories that involve your whole family. Make spending time doing fun,  unique and even giving things that you do together. We spend way too much time in the car and in the stands merely watching each other but not engaged with one another. There are lots of possibilities out there that you've never considered.

Plan some special events and try not to make them all activity or entertainment oriented.

Third, teach your kids skills they will need in the future. Do they know how to do the laundry, iron clothes, organize their lives and balance a bank account (check book for some)?  Many do not know these basics and enter marriage without these and other fundamental skills that would benefit them in major ways once they are out on their own. Add your own additional items, especially ones that you are particularly good at.

Fourth, go back and review some of your family highlights. This could be easily done by going back and looking at old photos or videos. Most of us have countless pics somewhere that we haven't seen again ever or at least for a long time. You'll have some laughs and enjoy some wonderful memories that you don't want to lose.

Finally, go serve someone else. Find a shelter, nursing home, neighbor in need or whoever where  you could serve not just once but all year long. Figure out where you could build some relationships with people you don't know but will get to know over time. Your family will never be the same and you'll add a memory and experience.

So don't make resolutions but consider starting some new ways of living that aren't that hard but will likely last you far longer than your last promise to lose weight, exercise more or save money. And the investment will even have eternal dividends. Enjoy.

Some New Year Challenges For Your Marriage

I don't know what your specific marriage needs but after several decades of counseling and being married I have a pretty good idea what every marriage needs. Like a great golf swing, recipe or piano sonata, doing anything well always require certain foundational skills and ingredients.

Individuality must be layered over a strong foundation.

So here are a few of those less-talked-about marriage components that you might consider for work on during your new year. And no matter how well any of us are doing we can all improve. In fact continually working on our relationship is what will keep us going for a lifetime.

First, improve the little things that can end up big things. For example, speak more kindly in the every day moments. If you have a habit of speaking abruptly or without much feeling, work on getting a little softer and adding some understanding and emotion.

Give compliments more often, help out where you normally would not and surprise your spouse with some kindness. Commit to pray for the other every day even if you don't talk about it. Small changes now can make for huge differences years from now.

Second, make more time for each other. Plan (together) some time away and add some regular down time for just the two of  you. You may have to leave some things out but who cares?  They're probably not that important. If  you have kids it will be important that they too see you make each other a priority. As I've said in other posts, the number one cause of marital discord is when couples quit acting like friends.

And husbands be sure you join in on the planning.  Letting your wife put together a trip and you just going along for the ride misses out on the intimacy occurs when you work in tandem.

Third, get out of debt. This topic requires whole posts and even books full of discussion but the concept is simple. Too many couples today are swimming in loans and payments that steal from their marriage and home. Start the process of downsizing, limiting your expenditures and saving. Read a book or two by Dave Ramsey or Ron Blue for specific help.

Start somewhere to save, give to God and to invest for your future. 

Fourth, reach a new height or two in your faith. Don't just let your faith become a routine. Stimulate your relationship with God through a mission trip, new Bible study, personal growth plan, accountability partner or other service opportunity. Following Christ is also about growing, changing and becoming. It won't happen by itself.

Don't let this new year just slip away and be another year in your relationship. Start today making it the best year so far doing it one step at a time.

Is Fear of Missing Out Driving You?

I was just checking my smart phone again and found three new emails with ideas that could streamline my productivity.  I need to try them. I recently got a new computer and the directions tell me about twenty new little shortcuts and timesavers that came with this new electronic beauty.  I need to memorize them.

I saw an ad for several new television programs that look really interesting and would probably expand my knowledge about people, life and the world around me. I should watch them.

I have a stack of good books waiting to be read or finished (I read thirty a year or more as is) and I have an exercise workout, Russian lessons and distant family also inviting me to give them my time.  I need to figure out how to add these back into my life.

Can you relate?  Do you, like me, hate to say "no" to any of these options because, "I don't want to miss out on something great."  Or "I want my kids to have the best so we'll do it all no matter what it takes."  Or, "That's a good thing, an important thing, I must figure out how to do that too!"

I've got news for you . . . and me.  We'll never do it all. Or as one wise pastor said, "We'll never accomplish all of our potential."  Don't even try.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you that the plate of options for learning, productivity, entertainment, knowledge, growth and experience continues to increase geometrically every day.  We can't have or know it all.  But we are tempted to try, aren't we?  We feel guilty when we hit delete or throw a book away or erase a program from our television list.

We fear that our child will miss out on something vital for life if they don't take that class, play that semester or sports or get that lesson.

So what are we to do?

First, accept the fact that you can't do it all.  Period. Live with that truth.  It's OK.  Our worth is not based on how productive we are or how much we know.

Second, start conscientiously saying "no."  Don't order that new book, keep your kids out of a sport, turn the television off, skip that latest article you saw on Facebook. Be a chooser, not a responder. Learn to do only the best things or the most important things or the things that will add to your feeling alive or doing something God has called you to do.

Third, learn to rest or fast. Take a total break for a while from some of those things that have the greatest seductive pull on you. Get off of the internet or Facebook, don't watch television for a week or take a major break from some activity or even ministry for a season. Quit your hobby for a while. Remind yourself that you can live without some things and not die or shrivel up.

Fourth, embrace slowing down and resting. It's good for the body, soul and spirit.

You may miss out on some activities that could have enriched you but you will more likely not miss out on the ones that make you truly feel alive.

Are You Wandering or Really Headed Somewhere?

At my mother-in-law's residential complex there is an innocent man named "Walter" who spends most of his day just wandering all over the grounds. They say he's harmless and he apparently bothers no one. But in an hour or two there we'll see him go by six or seven times. He looks like he's talking to someone but it's just to himself.

It's kind of sad to think that Walter spends his day, every day, just wandering through life. I've wondered what he's thinking, if anything. I'm sure there are some mental deficiencies that keep him locked up in that orbit most of the time.

But while most of us don't wander like Walter does, I've been challenged in my own life recently to make sure I'm not just wandering around either. Sure I may be much more functional, able to vary my actions, thoughts and responses and make decisions in ways that Walter can't, but I (and you) could still be wandering.

Let me suggest what our wandering might look like.

We can wander by just doing the same things, enjoying the same little pleasures and being happy with the same routines for years on end. I wrote on that in a recent post - go back and read it if you missed it. One of the things I notice about Walter is that his expression never changes.  Interestingly, I see a lot of people all around me like that as well.  Too many of us are probably just bored so why get too excited about anything?

Or we can wander by settling for life as it is. We may feel defeated or penalized or without purpose so we just settle for what we have, what we've done in the past and accomplish little of substance. We've quit trying to overcome our challenges and won't take on a new goal, job or activity because it's a little too scary.

Or we can wander by never focusing in on the main things. We're trying to do it all or at least a lot, we want our kids to do the same but we rarely do any of it well or in a way that we deeply enjoy what we're doing. Things blur together and we flit from one event to the next forgetting much of the time what those events were in the first place.  And the main thing or things get lost in the busyness.

Or we can wander by rarely planning for the future. We just take life as it comes, react more than initiate and never plan anything special with our spouse, family or good friends. We've never made a bucket list or talked with anyone about five things we'd love to do if we only had time. We don't dream big or pray to God for a vision down the road that only He could make happen.

Are you wandering?  Are you really just another Walter?  First be thankful that you're still able to decide, turn a corner in your life and try something new. Remember that you're not paralyzed.

But then hone in on a goal, a direction, a plan, a dream. Pray for God to give you and your family some direction, a purpose that will truly change your life. Remember the big problem with wandering . . . you never really get anywhere.

Teaching Our Kids To Value The Right Things

I remember when a number of years ago now a friend's home went up in flames. One moment he and his family had a beautiful home, minutes later it was ashes. They lost most everything except their lives.  However, I remember his comments when I among others arrived there to see if we could do anything.

He said,  "Well, it's just stuff."  And he was right. Yes, he and his wife went through some emotional challenges losing so much in one night. But I think his faith in God reminded him that the most valuable things he had not lost that night. The rest was just stuff.

It's replaceable and temporary. It's really not what makes us happy.

But I'm pretty sure that most of us, even with the best of intentions, put way too much value and focus on what we have - our home, cars, equipment, special objects and other things of value. We say they don't matter that much but deep down they count for more than most of us would admit. If we're honest we know it would be hard to live as happily without those luxuries, comforts and things we so often take for granted.

How can we learn to live more with a stuff-less mentality and a focus on the eternal while modeling a less is more way of life?

First, I think it helps to cut back drastically.  No, I'm not suggesting go live under a bridge but cutting back could include getting a smaller home, selling a big ticket item, dropping one of our big vacations or just spending less on things we don't need.  How about saying, It still works so why buy another one?

Second, get more intentional about giving resources away.  And not just money though that counts. Give away your time, a car, clothing and whatever else could be used to help someone else.  Think about a Christmas where everyone gets one small gift and the rest of your normal spending goes to help others.

Third, try going and serving somewhere.  This goes along with sharing resources, but you will also have sweat, tears and relationship in the game.  You will actually go and care for someone yourself and not just give them money. You will become friends with someone likely outside of your social strata and become personally involved. And your kids will remember those interactions forever.

There are lots more ideas.  You can come up with your own.  But whatever you do, find ways to involve your family in activities and practices that will take their eyes off of things and give them new eyes for loving people and valuing things . . . the way Jesus did.

 

Commitment Is A Long Journey, Not a Short Walk

I have been having fun recently with an anagram finder website.  It takes a word, name or short phrase and tells you what words or phrases would use the same letters. Some of them are silly but some are pretty funny. For example, my name Gary Sinclair also spells Scary Liar Gin or Sangria Lyric.

However, I recently tried the word commitment and guess what?  There is only one other option:  commitment.  

I guess it's hard to say commitment any other way than just commitment.  In other words there are no cheap substitutes. What might that mean?

Well, a lot of us would like our commitment to something - marriage, parenting, a changed life, devotion to Christ and the like - to be pretty easy.  Check off a few boxes, have an emotional moment or special gathering, think about it now and then and we're done.

But commitment to anything for a long time requires giving oneself to it one step, one moment, one day at a time. We can't just go, "Oh yeah, you know I need to give a little attention to my parenting or marriage.  It's been a while."  Or, "Jesus is important to me but I'm not going to get too radical about my faith."

But you see anything great takes hard, consistent, passionate effort and thought - all the time.  Look at outstanding athletes, musicians, artists, authors and saints. They all had to give their life to it. But even so they had to first commit to a daily mindset and way of life.  What might that look like?

First,  do we think about the true significance of that part of our life?  Do we have it near the center or just along the periphery of our mind?  I wrote about this in my last blog concerning our faith in Christ.  Is Jesus the center or just a piece of the pie?  If our goal is a great one then we must come to grips with how important it is that we reach that goal.

We must think, "This matters.  I have to do this well."

Second, have we put habits into our life that cause that area to grow in us and others?  For example, do we habitually spend time with our spouse or include meaningful activities with our kids?  A lot of families these days are on cruise control every week and instead of them running life it runs them. Or in our spiritual lives, do we read the Bible, pray and spend time learning from others at church, small group or one to one?

Third, do we have people around us who will keep us focused?  We all need partners, cohorts, mentors and fellow-runners who will encourage us not to quit.  Ecclesiastes 4:9,10, says, "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down his friend can help him up." Find someone who will be relentless in helping you reach your goal.  I think of Michael Phelps, perhaps the best swimmer of all time.  But if he didn't have his coach Bob Bowman it's unlikely Phelps would have accomplished all he did.

So whatever commitment you made long ago or just recently, remember the hardest part is keeping it. It's a long journey.  As some like to say it's a marathon. But it will be worth it when you look back someday and realize you made it.  Not without some challenges or bumps and bruises but you will have made it.  Good things, great things, lifechanging things and most importantly the things of God will not happen any other way.

Is Your Family Led or Driven?

I'll never forget a horseback ride I took once with my roommate in college. We had made our way over to the riding stables behind the school knowing that horses could be ridden for an hour or so. While I hadn't ridden a lot I knew enough to guide a horse, gallop a little and still have a good time. However, I must also admit that the majority of my riding has also been done with horses in a line going down a trail.

Nonetheless, the stables personnel saddled up two horses for us and sent us off into several large fields with access to a nearby road as well. What were they thinking?

We each gave our horse a slight kick and began to move letting the horses more or less saunter while we enjoyed some relaxed time.  Now and then we got them going a little faster but playing it safe knowing that we weren't exactly the Lone Ranger and Tonto.

Near the end of our ride we decided to leisurely come back to the stables using the small road since that seemed like an easier task. However, the horses had a different plan. Once they saw that we were headed back they immediately began to gallop full stride. And there was little we could do to slow them down much less stop them.

Thankfully we made it back unharmed but our hearts were racing when they finally slowed near the entrance.

Unforunately, a lot of families live life this way. Every day is a constant, non-stop gallop. Everyone is running from event to event, practice to practice, obligation to obligation. These homes are not being led or nurtured. They are just hanging on.

Is this your home?  Then let me suggest several things you might consider to slow things down, get life under more control and do more things that really matter.

First, stop some things. Take inventory and ask what you can cut out that is just more of the same, a needless addition or not really that essential.

Second, examine your priorities. Is your schedule being driven by greed, envy or status-seeking?  Are you just trying to have your kids as successful as the neighbors or other family members?  Perhaps they will be more successful at a sport or instrument.  But what is teaching them how to be a great person?

Third, rediscover rest and relaxation. Make time to do some enjoying things as a family, teach the value of sabbath or breaks and find an outlet to serve others.

Homes that are well-led find meaning and purpose in what they do. Homes that are driven?  They just feel like one more horse headed to the barn.

New Year's: But Not The Same Old, Same Old

So how many New Year's mornings is this for you?  Twenty, thirty, forty or more?  Lots of parties, gatherings with friends, celebrations, fireworks, good food and drink the night before and a nice, quiet start to the year afterwards, right?
Good for you. However, how many times, during the weeks to follow, would you say there was some significant change in your life? How many of those resolutions you made really took root and flowered in you?

My hunch is there weren't that many. And while there's nothing magical about starting something new in January perhaps it's worth thinking about why we don't move forward and the dangers of just staying put.

I think one of the biggest problems is not that we don't take some great leap ahead, but that we never get started. But think of it like climbing a mountain. If you just look at the summit, the biggest part of the goal, you'll never get anywhere. That's what a lot of people do with New Year's resolutions. They decide to finally lose sixty pounds but never take the first step toward shedding three.

They determine to finally look for a job that they love or feel called to and then never send out one resume. The summit is just too daunting.

So, the answer?  Start with just ONE fundamental change that you plan to stick with for three months. If you're going to start working out, make that change something like walking for a half - hour five days a week always at the same time. Do it religiously. Don't let anyone stop you if possible. At least have it become such a habit that if you miss a day, you will go right back to it.

If you plan to slow down your life and spend more time with your wife and kids, start putting that afternoon or evening in your week that you are going to commit to be home. Get it on your calendar and hold to it. It's a small change but it's a fundamental one and will start to etch a new way of living and thinking into your lifestyle.

Do it for three months without adding or subtracting anything. Then evaluate and starting raising your goals and objectives to a higher level. Before long your habit will have become a lifestyle and bigger gains will come more quickly.

And come next year, you'll look back and say, "Yes, resolutions can be more than just talk. And I really did make it to the summit."

Don't Wait To Do What Matters Most

It may sound a bit morbid but a lot of people die before they plan on it.  In fact most do.  I think of a former pastor we knew who was so looking forward to retirement and to doing some of those things with his wife that he felt had to wait during his ministry years. Unfortunately he contracted a swift-growing cancer and died at sixty-five.

However, dreams and doing special, life-changing things with our spouse and kids aren't shattered just by death. They can vanish because of chronic illness, family breakups, job losses and a host of other unplanned occurrences. Kids grow and move out of the house. People can relocate to other parts of the country or world.  Lots of things can inhibit doing the things that we long to do and know would be legacy-leaving events and opportunities.

So . . . .do as many as you can now.  No, we can't do everything.  Time commitments, finances, having children and life in general will likely forbid doing many things. But we can do some.  I've talked before about planning and doing things out of the ordinary. But even everyday things like a simple vacation dare not be put off for too long either. If you don't have the money for a big trip, take a small one but do something.

Spouses, don't wait to spend meaningful time with each other. If you're dreaming of a European vacation after you retire make sure you take at least one before then. After retirement go back and see more. If you're looking forward to spending some alone time after you're sixty-five, make sure you're getting regular alone time now.

Don't wait to say what you need to say.  Yes, say the obvious things like I love you.  But add some others like I'm proud of you, You changed my life, Thank you, You're a great dad/mom and If I had it to do over again I'd choose you.

Don't postpone what God may be asking you to do now.  Serve others, start an impacting project, change careers to do something that matters more, slow down . . . . you get the idea.  Sure, be wise, get counsel and don't just do something to avoid facing the hard things of today. But as Seth Godin, marketing guru, says, You don't need more time, just decide.  That's where many of us are when it comes to these kinds of decisions.  You've been waiting around for the perfect time. A perfect time will never come.

But if God's nudging you and you can't shake the idea or challenge that keeps ruminating in your mind, then now is the time. Go for it. Don't look back someday with regrets. In fact keep this catchy phrase in mind that I might market myself sometime, Just Do It.

What Are We Teaching Our Kids About "Stuff?"

It has become known as Black Friday. It's the day after Thanksgiving when so many get up in the middle of the night or don't go to bed at all so they can shop for all the sales. For some it's a holiday tradition while for others a chance to seriously save some money. Who knows if they really save anything but that's their sincere goal in many cases.

And frankly, enjoying family time in a fun, unique way or saving a few dollars both have their merits.  But this year a woman in Los Angeles peppered sprayed ten people in line in front of her so she could be first. Another man experiencing a heart attack was walked over. And a lady grabbed as many two-dollar waffle irons as she could as her pants began to slip down off her bottom.

Sure, these are extreme examples. Not everyone who engaged in Black Friday shopping was so rude or crude. But it's worth considering whether we're sending signals to our family that stuff means more to us than it should. While we may not even shop on Thanksgiving weekend, we can still be teaching things about our possessions that will be harmful in the long run. How might we do that?

First, we may have a habit of always wanting one more thing or the next best one. Companies have a way of coming out with new products within months sometimes of the last one. That's fine but do we always have to have the latest one? If so, we teach our kids that appreciating what we have doesn't matter.

Second, we may tend to get things NOW rather than later. We can't wait, we won't settle for keeping the old one and we fear the embarrassment that others will have something that we don't.  If we're not careful we can subtly teach our families that waiting and saving are not that important. In fact, this perspective can lead to significant credit card debt and overspending.

Third, we may simply talk more about getting than giving. We may help out our token charity, give to the church or serve once a year but giving to others isn't a regular part of our home life.

You get the idea. We don't have to be a Black Friday fanatic or do something wildly absurd or unkind to send all the wrong messages. We teach our families by what we do the most and how we live our lives from day to day.

You want to teach your family members how to keep your "stuff" in perspective? Live your life in a way that it wouldn't matter that much if you lost it all.

A 13 Year Old Challenge For Your Kids

We tried something part way through our parenting years with each child that seemed to be a favorite and positive learning and growing experience. When they were approaching thirteen we developed a year-long challenge for them with a perk or two involved to give them some incentive.

We wanted to help them grow as Jesus did in "wisdom, stature, favor with God and man" (Luke 2:52) in a significant way as they headed toward adulthood. So we developed a list of things that they would do with our help during the next twelve months. The tasks included activities to develop them intellectually, spiritually, physically and socially.

And while I won't include our list here (each child is different anyway) let me share some highlights to guide you in doing something for your children if you so desire.

One key activity was reading. While they read in school we wanted them to read some important books about people, life, faith and inspiration. You probably have some favorites of your own that you would put on their list.

A second key component was job shadowing at least three people in three areas of their choice.  Our only requirement was that one of those people had to be involved in some sort of Christian ministry.  Interestingly our grown son, Tim, is now following in the steps of one of the people he shadowed and God is using him in special ways.

A third thing was requiring them to learn some basic life skills - i.e. washing clothes, ironing, cooking and saving money. And this is where one of the major perks came from.  If they basically completed the year-long exercise (be gracious but make sure they work at it well) we would match the amount of money they saved and they could spend that portion on anything they wanted.

You can of course come up with your own perks but that seemed to work well for us. At the end of the project we had a little party with some close friends to celebrate and let them know how proud we were of them.

Depending on your kids and their current activities, you might add physical exercise, Bible reading challenges, social events, etc. whatever might fill out the four areas of emphasis.  Work out your own plan.  You know your kids best.

Nonetheless, we look back at this plan as a home run idea with our children and think it's worth other families trying it out. Feel free.  And if you do use it in some form, let us and others know how it went.

Is your home thirsty? Let it rain.

I currently live in Austin, Texas. We're experiencing our latest drought, one which has broken some all-time records. It was 112 degrees the other day tying the highest temperature ever. Our lakes our down some 40+ feet. We had the second most number of days in a row over a 100 and the most days above the century mark ever for one year.

So as you might expect the officials in our counties are taking some wise steps. They've banned outdoor burning. We've had to add watering restrictions and boaters on the lakes have new rules to insure safety.

And if you're home is typical, you and your family can face your own times of drought. You're thirsty for relationship, time, sanity, love, attention or a host of other good things that every person needs. What typically causes family drought? Over-commitment, selfishness, straying priorities, poor planning, unresolved marriage problems, challenging circumstances, getting away from God . . . 

There are more . . . you can probably add some of your own.

But you also know that if nothing is done in response to your drought damage can be done. And unlike in Austin where we can't just turn on the rain, you can do some things to at least stem the tide of the rain shortage.

First, slow down and take inventory. Sometimes slowing down will make a huge difference by itself but it's important to face what the rain deficit is doing to your home. Perhaps an activity or two needs to go, maybe some counseling would help, perhaps you've let your spiritual relationship with God go to the back burner.

Second, make some initial changes and take some first steps to find water. Go to that counselor, get back to church, slice some things from the schedule. Remind each other that all these extra activities will mean nothing if your family tanks.

Third, speak love and life into each other more. Because of busyness our homes can become void of meaningful discussion, encouragement and building each other up. Listen to feelings and needs. Talk more -period. But that will take some focused time. It may start around a game or mealtime but begin somewhere.

No family will survive well living in the desert. But if we're smart we'll bring along some of our own water, even if mother nature doesn't help us out.

More Than A Coffee Table Life

Have you ever noticed something common to many offices, funeral homes, waiting rooms and even homes?  There is often a stylish table or two stacked with books. The volumes are often beautiful, covered with striking pictures, multi-colored and likely expensive.

The problem is that most of them never get opened.  Perhaps the top one gets paged through now and then but the rest accumulate dust and are for all practical purposes useless. They sit there for years and accomplish little. And most of the books on those tables look alike even though in reality they're probably quite distinctive.

I wonder how many families have never gone or imagined life beyond the coffee table stage.  Sure, things in their home look good and there's lots to be thankful for. And everyone there may be relatively happy and feel a sense of accomplishment. But they look like and are doing what everyone else does. They are involved in all the same activities, go to the same events and strive for the same things as their friends and neighbors.

And yet how many of those families would say they intended to have a coffee table life?  Not many. But if we're going to have marriages and families that are distinctive it's going to require that we think hard and actually plan to do some things that are fundamentally different and in the long run make us feel truly alive.

The things we could actually do to be distinctive and truly enjoy life are myriad. Only the limits of our imagination and creativity limit us. And when we invite God into the equation the possibilities become endless for all practical purposes.

So where do you start?  First, look for local ways that your family can serve others.  Your church, community center and schools can be a place to begin.  Find some people in need, look for an agency that would like some volunteers, or come up with your own project that would give your family an opportunity to care for others. A warning though:  once you start you might get hooked and decide to stay involved for a long time.

Second, plan some marriage or family events that would be unique or special for you.  Climb a few mountains, go whitewater rafting, take some sort of lessons together . . . you get the idea. Take one portion of the year when your kids don't need to be in a sport or music or whatever and do something you all like. With the power of the internet these days you can write books, make photo albums, research your family and who knows what else for very little money. Make some memories that none of you will ever forget.

Third, dream together. What are the skills, talents, resources and interest your family or marriage enjoys?  How could those attributes be used to make a difference?  Children and adults both have dreamed dreams and found that they could literally start programs and even movements that others rallied to and impacted thousands. Why not you or your family?

Don't just be a book that looks like everyone else?  Stand out, take some risks, do something together that you'll never forget.  And the time to start is now.

Intention Is Only One Thing . . .

Have you ever seen someone respond badly to a medicine?  Allergic reactions can be dangerous, even deadly, and if nothing else can cause the adult or child to be miserable.  But here's the odd part.  The doctor or parent who gave the medicine meant no harm. Their plan and goal was to help the person to actually feel better and to be healed from their ailment.

Unfortunately, the same scenario can occur in family relationships. Our intention was good but the result was disastrous or at best problematic.  What happened?  As a husband we thought we were just trying to give our wife some help and she took it as a put down. Or as a wife you were simply telling your husband about how he could have responded differently and he thought you were berating him.

Intention is one thing, perception is everything.  

Or your teenager came home feeling pretty defeated after not making the team or getting a part in the play and you tried to build them up by suggesting they didn't need to feel that way.  However, they just felt worse and walked out of the room. Most of us can come up with hundred of other examples, can't we, where our good intentions weren't well received or turned out badly.

Let me say it again.  Intention is one thing, perception is everything.

This important maxim also impacts the things we do as a family that we intend to be good but in the long run can be detrimental to the health of our home.  For example, the parents who want their kids to be involved in everything to develop their minds, improve their skills and help them feel better about themselves may one day regret their choices.

They can discover that much of that money, time and energy could have been better used to be together, slow down and focus on some other more important priorities.

So how do you decide what is really effective and what might have been or will be received poorly or have a negative result?

First of all, listen. Yes, listen to what your spouse, your kids and others in your world are saying about your actions and choices. That means asking them good questions and not being afraid to hear something negative. Listen as well to those who have gone before you - wise friends, parents and counselors.
 
Second, continually re-evaluate your priorities.  Think through what your choices as a parent or spouse are doing to enhance or hurt the most important things you want to develop in your home.  And if some activities or commitments are getting in the way, make some changes.  Have the guts to say, "No, we're just not going to do that any more. It's not worth it."

Third, pray.  Ask God to reveal to you where your words, actions, comments, habits, etc. are getting in the way of what He knows is best for you and your family.  Sometimes we have blind spots that God can reveal to us.

Finally, have someone who you're accountable to for what you say, commit or respond to.  Make sure they're honest with you and know your weaknesses.

Remember that even with the best of intentions, the results can be disastrous. Intention is one thing, perception is everything.

Just Say KNOW - part 2

In my last post I spoke about four things that Jackie and I wanted to make sure our kids knew before they left our nest.  Let me suggest four more to ponder and see if they stimulate some other teachable ideas at your house.

We also wanted our kids to know how blessed they are.  It really doesn't matter how much or little you have in America, you're at an advantage compared to much of the world. Thanksgiving ought to be a normative expression in every household year round.  Even the Bible says, In everything give thanks.  Teach your kids to say thank you to God for even the everyday things they enjoy.  And don't always let them have the latest and newest just because everyone else is getting it. Show them how to give more than get and they'll likely become more thankful now and later in life.

Second, we wanted our kids to know what healthy married people are like.  We were far from perfect but we wanted them to see us work through problems or disagreements, see us not afraid to show appropriate affection or spend time together as a couple and notice that our relationship with God impacted everyday life. We became intentional about certain lessons we wanted them to grasp while trying to model lots of things that they would hopefully translate into their own marriages.

Third, we wanted them to have a healthy view of themselves.  That meant teaching them that first of all they are not the center of the universe.  There are other people in this world. And while there is a time and place for taking care of ourselves,  loving others is essential to a fulfilling and joy-filled life.  However, at the same time, we wanted them to understand how God sees them - they matter to Him, have purpose, are loved, have been forgiven and when they accept Christ are children of God.  Their view of themselves and understanding how God sees them will impact the rest of their lives.

Fourth, we wanted them to know how to talk to adults.  So many young people today have little to no experience talking to people who are older than themselves. And part of the problem may be that parents never encouraged or required them to sit in a room for a time and talk to adults.  Often kids are told to go to their room once the adults show up.  There's a time for that but give your kids the opportunities to learn to interact with the adult population.  Teach them how to address them politely and give them a chance to try their wings at a little adult-level conversation.

Do you have ideas to add?  Share them at the bottom of this post!  I'd love to hear from you!

Just Say KNOW At Home

If you could pick a handful of things you would want your kids to know the day they walk out the door of your home, what would they be?  Have you thought about them? If so, are you conscientiously teaching those things?  Chances are they won't learn them in one lesson. It will take repetition, years of modeling and lots of practical life experiences for those lessons to truly sink in.

Let me share a few that were on our list. I'm sure we didn't do them perfectly, but I think they're worth sharing with you. First, we wanted our kids to know and experience our Christian faith story. Yes, the first part of that goal is teaching them the basics of Christianity and I couldn't merely leave that to the church or other faith group. It was first and foremost our task.  But in addition we needed to give them and encourage experiences that would help that faith come alive and deeply resonate within them.

Second, we wanted them to know that their actions have consequences. That's part of life isn't it?  If you don't work, you don't get paid.  If you do something poorly the results will be poor.  If you don't practice you won't be a great athlete or musician.  Our culture has a way of coddling kids and always bailing them out even when they are clearly irresponsible.  Yes, we need to be understanding of a child's age or circumstances and give grace but we must not simply look the other way or only give praise but not correction.

Third, we wanted them to know how to love their spouse.  Our homes are Marriage 101 for our children.  Where else will they learn how to be married?  Nowhere.  So we need to model love, caring and even how to deal with conflict well.  Our kids are watching and will notice.  How we talk to each other, how often we compliment and express love will make a difference in our kids' marriages.  And if you're a single parent you can model well how you respond now to your former spouse and others.

Fourth, we wanted our kids to learn to give to others.  So much of what kids hear about life today is to get more for yourself.  It's all about you they're told  And unfortunately many parents foster that attitude in their homes.  Everyone gets what they want it when they want it.  We must do what we can to help our kids invest in others even when it costs them something. Teach them to give of their time, money and skills to help someone else through serving locally, missions trips, being involved in the church and the like. Go together and care for a neighbor and serve others on a holiday instead of having your own gathering sometime.

There are lots more key lessons and I'll share a few more next time.  In the meantime, think up your own list and then set some goals to start teaching them now before one or more of your kids is driving down the driveway for that last time and you've lost the chance.

What's The Plan At Your House?

Years ago a group of interchange designers were in a room with the purpose of planning how Interstate 35 would intersect in downtown Dallas with I 30, US 75 and the runways at DFW Airport. They were apparently smoking crack at the time and after several subsequent beers the chairman said, "OK, let's get started."

If you've ever driven through the center of Dallas you know that none of the major roads there actually meet each other.  You simply turn left, then right, then left, watching out for approaching aircraft and then get off at the next exit, finding the nearest Starbucks for a triple shot espresso. You then look for the oldest person there without piercings and ask for directions.  You might arrive at your destination the same day, but don't count on it.

Unfortunately, a lot of well-meaning spouses and parents have similar plan-less lives when it comes to their families.  Ask them and they'll say, "Oh sure, we want our home to be a Christ-centered home," or "Yes, we really desire that our kids learn to be independent and handle their money well," or "Absolutely we want to serve others together as a husband and wife." 

But if you ask them if they've made any plans to do any of those things, chances are good they have not.  The busyness of life, other priorities or just not thinking about it all get in the way.  People mean well but . . .

Jackie and I have been there and knew at one point that we needed to become intentional about some of our most important goals and actually do something to make them happen.

So here are a few tips for helping add planning to your marriage and family.  First, make a list.  Sounds so simple and it is.  Take a date night or a few free hours (you might have to PLAN those, too) and ask yourselves what it is that you believe God wants you to do in your home.  What will you look back on in ten years and be disappointed if it didn't happen?  Write it down.  Put the items in an order of importance if you can.

Second, start somewhere.  Don't leave your time together until you've agreed on at least one thing you're going to do to move you toward one goal.  If you can, plan a few other longer term goals or a time to start something else or to take a next step.  And celebrate your first steps when you take them.

Third, plan a longer "retreat" once a year or so.  Jackie and I have done this most of our 34 years of marriage.  Sometimes we can add a couple of days to a conference I have while other times we just stay local and get away to a hotel or resort nearby.  We use it as a time to just work on us in general but part of that time is for reviewing the last year and looking ahead to the next couple.

We take time to pray over our list too and ask God to give us wisdom along the way. I'm in ministry today because of one of those retreats where we asked each other the question, "What have you always wanted to do but haven't yet?"  One of my answers was, "Go to seminary."  The rest is history as they say.

The classic leadership proverb is so right . . . We don't plan to fail, we just fail to plan. 

And oh, by the way, if you're needing to go through Dallas?  I just wouldn't.

Don't Just Look Like The Real Thing

I'm likely going to get into trouble here but I don't see the point of soft drinks like Coke Zero.  Seems to me it's just colored, carbonated water without the good stuff.  But OK, if you like it, go for it.

However, I wonder if sometimes our marriage and family relationships just look fine, but like diet beverages are missing the good stuff.  For example, if a husband and wife get along pretty well, don't fight much, and are generally problem-free, does that mean their relationship is great?  Not necessarily.

Or if our kids get good grades, have friends, enjoy lots of outside activities and don't balk too much about going to church, does that mean we really have a healthy relationship with them?  Maybe not.

Great relationships require several important elements.  First of all, honesty.  The Bible tells us to speak the truth in love, so I'm not suggesting that we be rude, brash or insensitive in our truth-telling.  However, we get closest together when we're vulnerable, open and blatantly candid with each other.  Do people in your home talk about things that really matter, about what's bothering them as well as their joys?  Is there an atmosphere at your house that fosters that kind of openness?

Second, great connections focus on the important things. We often get caught up in just being busy, doing one more thing, trying to keep up with others and the like and miss the little, but important activities that make lifelong memories.  I wonder if we'll look back and be glad that we spent so many hours watching our kids do things and so little time engaging WITH them in everyday activities.  I doubt it. 

I remember a story of a teacher who brought a large glass container into class and started placing large rocks into it putting as many in as possible.  He then asked the class if the container was full.  They of course said yes.  Then he took some pea gravel and poured it all around the big rocks.  He asked again, "Is the jar full now?"  To which they agreed, "Sure, now it is."  He then took and added sand until no more would fit.  The students now decided it was truly full.

But the teacher then poured water in until it ran over the top.  "Is it full now?"  the teacher asked.  "Yes," the students said. And the teacher finally agreed.  Now he asked, "What's the point of this demonstration?"  One student immediately piped up and said, "You wanted to show us that while we don't think we can accomplish any more in our lives, if we'll just arrange things correctly we can always add more."

To which the teacher replied, "No, that's not my point at all.  I wanted to suggest that in life you have to put the big rocks in first.  If you don't all the other things will crowd out what's most important."

If we're going to enjoy all that God intended for us and our families then we must be sure we're putting the big rocks in first and not letting the tyranny of the urgent crowd them out.

What are the big rocks that you want in your marriage and family?  Do they get first priority? 

If honesty isn't a hallmark of your home and the big rocks really aren't what you give the most time and attention to you might now have the real thing . . . just something that looks like it.  And trust me,  it's just not as good.

Energizing Relationships With Your Bucket List

Many have now seen the movie starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman where two older men decide to write lists of things they've always wanted to do before they kick the bucket.  Unfortunately too many people wait to write, much less actually start fulfilling, their bucket list until they're too old or ill.

However, a list of important goals and dreams has the potential to keep both a marriage and family energized, exciting and meaningful as long as we actually do something with the list.

For example, I had always wanted to climb 14,000 foot challenging mountain Longs Peak in Colorado. I had actually done part of it once when I was 11 but my dad and I got altitude sickness and had to go back down. I vowed that someday I would conquer it. When my son was 13 we decided that we would climb at least three 14'ers before he got out of high school. An item on our bucket list.

We ended up starting with (and completing I might add!) Longs and actually did four total with another coming after he was married. Those are memories we will never forget and added a love for the mountains to the lives of our children.

Speaking of mountains I had also dreamed of going to Switzerland and seeing the Matterhorn. On our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary we did just that and had an incredible anniversary trip including five days in Zermatt, the home of that historic mountain.

Bucket list items may be personal, vocational, spiritual or service-oriented. Bucket list items can teach us about faith, determination, thinking of others and risk-taking. They can challenge us to trust God to do things much bigger than we are. Bucket list challenges can cost us something but the investment is usually worth it. We may have to give up something else but why not if the goal is worthwhile?

Our lists can also get us talking about the things that really matter in our lives. They can cause us to focus on how we use our time and spend our money. And planning is half or more of the fun! It's something you and/or your family can do together with great enthusiasm and anticipation.

I just took my fourteenth trip to Russia in September and from those visits I have a goal of spending a year or more someday in Russia, perhaps helping a church, pastor or ministry free of charge. We'll see if that happens but at least I'm thinking about it. It's caused me to try to learn Russian which I love doing.

Somehow, I'd be much less of a person, husband and dad without my list. How about you?