Teach Your Family To Pray

I have a close family member dying of cancer. He’s way too young. Thousands have prayed for him but he likely won’t live more than a few days from this writing. Friends have prayed for years for more rain in Texas. Christians from all over the city of Austin prayed together last May for rain and only recently has there been precipitation of any substance.

Of course I believe prayer works . . . sometimes.  By “works” I mean that we get our desired outcome.  Our family has seen bunches of miraculous acts of God over the years where He did more than we could ask or think.  I am confident that as Scripture suggests our prayers both individually and corporately matter.  I hope my friends in Austin get rain, that others I know with illnesses are healed and that friends I pray will change from their destructive ways will get turned around We should never quit praying just because we don’t always get the answers we want.

However, we must also do the appropriate teaching about prayer that will help us understand what I call the parameters of prayer. We must seek from God as well the best reasons we can find that will at least help explain why God doesn't respond as we desire at least some of the time. Why do we pray for rain along with thousands of others and God not give it to us?

Why even ask God for some things if He's going to seemingly ignore us or wait for years to respond.

Why would a cherished love one lose his life while another get to keep hers even when their diagnoses were pretty much the same?  The just have faith proponents often forget to talk about the other times when God doesn’t seem to come through.  And when we’re parents it’s even more important to admit, wonder and then at least try to understand a God who is not merely a cosmic vending machine or happy-go-lucky grandfather who just gives us everything we want when we want it.

Of course, one blog post isn’t going to be able to cover a topic so vast nor will we ever be able to figure out the whys of God. But I do know that the Gospel of John, for example, suggests pretty clearly that we can ask for whatever we will and one or all of three things must happen.  Our prayers must give God glory, bring us joy and bear the most fruit. Check it out in chapters fourteen through sixteen. Seems to me that would be worth some family study along with some pastoral explanations from time to time.

I also know that the Scriptures over and over suggest that prayer is actually a conversation with God not merely our time to make requests of Him. Prayer often opens the door for us to get in line with what God knows best. Wouldn't it be helpful to talk about that?

Maybe some teaching in our homes and churches is in order as we seek out God’s plan and will for our homes, churches, cities and country. It won’t require a degree in theology to do so. But perhaps we can encourage our teachers and pastors to work together with us to wrestle with more of the hard questions and do less promising that God will always listen to us if we just say it enough or get enough people to agree with us.

As parents lets take the lead instructing, modeling and yes even wondering what God is up to as we pray together. Somehow I have a feeling that will draw us together in ways we didn’t know were possible.

The Problems With Too Much

Most of us parents would love to give our kids some of the things we never had. We look forward to providing for our offspring and ultimately helping them to find happiness and fulfillment.

Unfortunately many moms and dads think that giving them pretty much what they want or that everyone else has is the answer. Can I say it simply? It's not.

When kids get too much stuff, attention or an abundance of accolades that are really undeserved the kids don't blossom they bloat. They get weighed down with entitlement, ungratitude and confusion. I've seen a recent situation where the kids continue to get so many gifts from their grandparents and other close relatives that they don't even know who gave them each gift.

The presents all simply get thrown together into one big pile, sadly a mountain of things that are soon forgotten if even played with much at all. And yet the family thinks this is what these kids need and should have. It makes me wonder who the gift-giving is for in the first place.

The results?

First, a lack of thankfulness for what they do have. Instead of saying thank you they tend to say or at least be thinking, Where's the next one?

Second, a focus on what they have versus others. You will often hear from these children, "I just got a . . . ." or "My parents bought me a . . . ."  They never have enough but it always needs to be more than others got.

Third, a waning of social skills. Some might argue that this result depends upon the kinds of gifts the kids get and there may be some truth to that. But given too much of anything most young people will want to spend more time with the stuff and less having meaningful interactions.

Fourth, little desire to help or serve others. Yes, thankfully there are some exceptions where kids have a lot and find the passion to give it away in some form or another. But the majority of kids I've been around simply make life more about them because their parents did just that.

Each family will have to decide and determine what too much is but my advice would be to always err on the side of too little. I've written some other posts about holiday giving that might help here with other practical ideas about how to do some gift-giving and stuff slimming from your home.

Whatever you do remember the adage that is true in so many other areas: Less is more!

Love Jesus? Just Do It!

I love my wife Jackie. Perfectly? Nope, but as passionately as I can. And I often come up with, discover or even learn from others' example great ways to express that love better. But I have a feeling that you and others who know me would get annoyed if I constantly either suggested that my new ways of loving were better than yours or intimated that they were perhaps the standard for everyone.

And yet I hear some pastors, leaders and everyday people suggesting that their new strategy or idea for living out their Christian faith and love for Christ is the newest, brightest, most spiritual and best way. They say or at least imply in their message, comments or even Facebook post that they've now discovered the real way to love, a way that others have apparently been missing for years, perhaps even centuries.

I often read or hear that if I just gave more sacrificially, served the poor more, sold my home and downsized, gave up social media for a month, fasted, went on a missions trip or did something truly radical that I would genuinely be showing my love for Jesus just like them.

The problem is that none of us who follow Christ have to be like them or like anyone except Jesus. There are myriad ways to live out our faith and God has given us all unique situations, personalities, gifts and opportunities to be Jesus in and to our culture. Add to that people in other cultures to whom our American ideas for spirituality and Christ following would make little sense at all.

Can we learn from the example and urgings of others?  Of course and we should. There is a place for pushing one another to new levels of love and obedience. But too often likely well-meaning people want to find the Holy Grail of discipleship or Christ - following when we would be better to just live out our personal commitment with all the passion and fervor we can offer. We don't need to talk about it, pontificate, brag or tell others how they should live for Jesus like we do.

If we have received a new nudge from God to ratchet up our commitment to Christ, like a husband or wife might for their spouse, then we should just DO IT passionately and humbly.

Jesus can handle the challenges people need to hear and will stimulate genuine heart change. We should just love Jesus, model it and keep learning. My hunch is that others will notice anyway.

Five Things NOT To Teach Your Children About God

There are lots of great churches, Christian schools and books out there that can help us with the fundamentals of our faith that we need to teach and emphasize at home. Unfortunately, I've noticed a number of things that seem to be subtly or unintentionally passed on in our fellowships and families that are way off the mark.

Let me suggest five.

One, God's ultimate desire is to make us happy. Well, I'll be the first to admit that living for God does bring great happiness and blessing (Matthew 5 and the Beatitudes, for example) but that is not His main goal. He wants us to mature, to be strong in our faith and to ultimately do what glorifies Him. That's why He doesn't always take away the tough times or necessarily find us a parking place ahead of someone else.

Two, serving God gets us closer to Him and eventually more favor from Him. Yes, we are to commit ourselves to Him with all of our hearts, but our serving is to be a result of our love for Him, not to get that love. We can't get any closer or further from Him once we're His child.  Just because we're doing mission work, giving time every week at a soup kitchen or spending great amounts of money for the kingdom doesn't make us any more spiritual than the family in a third world country who loves Jesus but is just trying to stay alive every day.

Third, if we mess up enough, God will finally give up on us. I talk to people every week in my counseling office who feel that way.  They think that because of their mistakes, their spouse's leaving, their kids messing up or whatever, God has now passed on them in terms of using them for something that matters. But Psalm 57:2 reminds us that God will continue to fulfill His purpose for us.

Fourth, the more earthly success we have the more worthy and important we will be in His eyes and others eyes. So often our children who play in a sport or do an  activity almost every day of the year begin to think that their doing well in those events makes them extra special.  And while kids can learn a lot about themselves and life through sports, music and drama they're not better or worse as a person whether they participate or not.

Fifth, God is only about love or only about rules. God actually cares about both. He loves us unconditionally as no person can ever do. His love is greater than any sin, past or mistake.  However, He gives us rules to help us live well and avoid things or people that will eventually harm us.  Every wise parent will model having both love and healthy guidelines in their home.

So if you're teaching any of the above, stop and take inventory.  Begin to explain and model otherwise.  If your kids follow a God who really isn't the way you make him, it's going to be your fault. Don't live with that.

In Which Part of the Pie Is Your Family's Faith?

There are millions of people in our country and around the world who would say they are people of faith, Christians, who would consider their relationship with God important. They attend church fairly regularly, take their kids to the programs and activities, probably read their Bible some and may even attend a small group or Bible study.

They probably pray with their family at meal times (if they eat together) and even give something financially or of their time to God's work.

But even so, their faith, religion of sorts, and relationship with God may still be tucked away somewhere rather than the central, motivating influence for most all they do or think. It's like a pie.

In many cases, people make their relationship with God just one of many pieces of a pie. There's the work piece, activities piece, child piece, vacation piece, leisure piece, hobby piece, etc. and then there's also the God/Jesus piece. Faith gets one sixth, eighth or tenth but their faith rarely strays into the other areas of life. It's as though church on the weekend or time with God is just another thing to get done in a busy week.

They don't live a life for or with Christ. They just live one that includes Him when there is time. Their faith doesn't really impact those other pieces most of the time.

I'd like to suggest that if we're going to follow Jesus and live for God that the pie has to look differently.  Instead of our faith being one piece it needs to be the CENTER of the pie.  When God is in the middle then He impacts everything. We take him to work, to our parenting, to our goalsetting, to our bedroom, to our giving and to all of life.

And our kids begin to see in us someone living a life that is truly Christ-centered, focused on things that matter.

You see, let me be brutally honest here.  Many Christian homes are no different than their secular counterparts except for the fact that they go to church now and then. The moms and dads and the kids are for the most part doing and experiencing the same things their friends are who don't know Christ. Something is wrong. And it may be due to the fact that Jesus is just a piece of the pie not the center of it.

Will you and your family be different?  It may be hard but it will be for the best for you and the people who are impacted by you. Jesus told us to take up our cross and follow. And I think that means he needs to be in the center.

Be Careful: Your Obedience Can Become Obsession

I don't typically write "theological" or Christian walk posts on this blog because my purpose is to focus on very practical ideas that will help marriages and families. However, I feel compelled to write one that I'm confident will impact at least the spiritual training and modeling we do for our children.

I've noticed over the years that many well-meaning people turn their Christ-following (or at least that is what they would term it) into a kind of legalistic, this-is-how-you-do-it way of life and set of personal practices.

For example, there are people who are devoted students of the Bible who attend Bible studies and the pages of their Scriptures are filled with notes and underlining. However, they think that every teaching or preaching of the Word must then be verse by verse and dig deeply into the Greek or Hebrew or it's not good teachng.  They snub their noses at those who attend those easy studies and groups.

They can probably tell you the outlines to the books of Romans and Ephesians. The problem is their marriages are often shallow or falling apart and their kids are a mess. They spend little time applying the Scriptures to life. They just obsess about how many details they know and can spout off about them.

Others obsess about their personal spiritual habits - how much they fast, how often they attend church, their prayer time or how much they give. All those are wonderful and potentially lifechanging spiritual practices but we're told often in Scripture that the goal of any of our habits and obedience must be that Christ increase and we decrease, that God be glorified in us.

Even the more current phrases like being missional or spiritual formation can become someone's book theme that now tells us just the way those words should be lived out in a home, community or church. The message seems to be . . . you know, our church has finally figured out how to do this thing called being a Christian and the rest of you are probably doing it wrong.

Of course, we ought to learn from the wisdom and experiences of others. And many times people who have gone before us do have ideas, concepts and other insights that can help us or our family grow. But be careful that what was supposed to be simple obedience to Christ in us or others doesn't turn into simply another form of works that God clearly told us would never get us to God or ultimately please Him if it was only for our own benefit. There is a better way. Just follow Jesus.

Having KIds Who Still Love The Little Things

The other night my wife Jackie and I attended a AAA baseball game here in Austin. If you're not that familiar with the structure of baseball, AAA is the level just below the major leagues, in our case the Texas Rangers. Nonetheless, it's a fun night at a very nice ballpark but you won't see many current stars at a game like this unless they are trying to come back from an injury.

Anyhow, we were sitting down the third base line in the 4th row and there was a young boy, maybe 10 or 11, there with his grandpa. He had his baseball glove with him and like most young boys hoped he would catch a foul ball. However, in these games the players coming off the field will often throw the ball they caught and ended the inning with to one of the kids in the stands.

Every inning this young man called out to the players hoping a ball would come his way. But every inning he was disappointed . . . until the 8th inning when one of the players saw him and threw his ball right into the kid's glove. You should have seen his face. You would have thought this was the best day of his life. And maybe it was. It doesn't matter.

What struck me was how special that ball was to him. It was no big deal, really. These weren't major league players, at least not yet, and of course the ball wasn't signed. It probably only cost a few dollars to the team. But it was gold to that young man.

And I found myself thinking how few kids, at least in our middle to upper class neighborhoods have learned the joy of getting something as simple as a baseball. When so many young people get hundreds of dollars spent on them every Christmas, birthday and new school year, and they have entitled access to the best of computers, iPads and video games, why would something so insignificant as a ball matter?

So how do we teach our kids to appreciate the little things and to be thankful for what they have?  First, don't give them so much. That sounds pretty easy and it is, but our kids need to live in a world of enough not more if they are going to learn the value of things. Cut back on how much they have, let them work a little more for at least part of some of the bigger purchases and help them practice living with only two or three of something instead of ten.

Second, expose them to other cultures and settings where people don't have much at all. Those places may be across town or the ocean but we will open the eyes of our kids to situations they didn't know existed where people live every day wishing for one new piece of clothing or just enough to eat.

Third, give them opportunities to serve others. Start early modeling that real life is found more in giving and serving than getting and taking. Help them find ways to give some of their stuff away and experience the joy of watching someone else smile like I saw that young man smile at the game.

Is it any wonder that we live in a country where entitlements are such a big deal?  Maybe we can help our kids to learn in the next decade or two that true life is found more in what we give than what we have.

A 13 Year Old Challenge For Your Kids

We tried something part way through our parenting years with each child that seemed to be a favorite and positive learning and growing experience. When they were approaching thirteen we developed a year-long challenge for them with a perk or two involved to give them some incentive.

We wanted to help them grow as Jesus did in "wisdom, stature, favor with God and man" (Luke 2:52) in a significant way as they headed toward adulthood. So we developed a list of things that they would do with our help during the next twelve months. The tasks included activities to develop them intellectually, spiritually, physically and socially.

And while I won't include our list here (each child is different anyway) let me share some highlights to guide you in doing something for your children if you so desire.

One key activity was reading. While they read in school we wanted them to read some important books about people, life, faith and inspiration. You probably have some favorites of your own that you would put on their list.

A second key component was job shadowing at least three people in three areas of their choice.  Our only requirement was that one of those people had to be involved in some sort of Christian ministry.  Interestingly our grown son, Tim, is now following in the steps of one of the people he shadowed and God is using him in special ways.

A third thing was requiring them to learn some basic life skills - i.e. washing clothes, ironing, cooking and saving money. And this is where one of the major perks came from.  If they basically completed the year-long exercise (be gracious but make sure they work at it well) we would match the amount of money they saved and they could spend that portion on anything they wanted.

You can of course come up with your own perks but that seemed to work well for us. At the end of the project we had a little party with some close friends to celebrate and let them know how proud we were of them.

Depending on your kids and their current activities, you might add physical exercise, Bible reading challenges, social events, etc. whatever might fill out the four areas of emphasis.  Work out your own plan.  You know your kids best.

Nonetheless, we look back at this plan as a home run idea with our children and think it's worth other families trying it out. Feel free.  And if you do use it in some form, let us and others know how it went.

Evaluating Your Church's Impact on Your Family

While driving through the Texas hill country the other day Jackie and I went by a very good-sized, stone, and attractive church building in a town of several thousand people.  The problem was that their sign out front had been painted over. It was obvious this church was closed.  It had apparently died. How sad when there simply aren't enough churches in our country and churches are shutting their doors at an alarming rate.

But perhaps just as tragic is the fact that many churches that think they are alive are also dying. Their leaders may argue with you but as Miracle Max said in The Princess Bride, they're really either dead or mostly dead. They may look alive on the outside but inside the life is gone or slowly leaving. 

What does this have to do with your marriage or family?  A lot.  Yes, the home is to be the central place for Christian growth, training and learning but God has provided the church to be a home away from home, a place to help parents train up their children in the way they should go, to provide reinforcements that give us community, places to serve, to worship with others and helpful accountability.  God uses the church, Christians together, to be a light to the rest of the world and a safe haven for the hurting and needy.

But if your church is dying, it may actually be a place that is harming your Christian growth or at best keeping it plateaued.  Let me suggest a few things to look for to determine whether your church might be dying or "mostly dead."  And let me remind us of something - the church is the people not the place.

First, the people have become far more inward than outward.  When you begin to sense that they put most of their resources into them and not others they're in trouble.  When this happens buildings become more important than building others up, "our way" of doing things matters more than hanging around people who are different from us and keeping everyone happy so they won't leave seems to dominate most decision-making.

Second, they don't have a practical, concise vision anymore or they at least aren't pursuing it.  Vision must guide every church and God has a special focus for every church if they'll seek it out.  Not all churches are the same or should be. But too many churches either try to do everything or are just happy with doing what everyone else does.  Who really can get very enthused about that?  You can usually tell when a church has a clear vision - the people are excited about it, most of them are eager to serve to carry it out and they tell others.

Third, they have settled.  They function more on inertia than innovation. They rarely take God-directed risks and there's little excitement about much of anything besides what they've always done. Their services are the same for the most part, creativity is discouraged and yet they defend their "stand" to anyone who might question or criticize.  You tend to hear flimsy, straw-man arguments about tradition, "we-just -preach-Jesus," or watering down the Gospel.

Fourth, the church isn't growing. And unless you live in an area where everyone attends church already, you should be growing numerically and in depth.  Numbers aren't everything but they tell something.  If you have a vibrant, impacting, Spirit-led ministry then some people will be attracted to it.  If you're not growing it's likely a lot of people have quit trying and your church is close to expiration.

What do you do if your church appears to be having a near-death experience?  First, pray for the leaders. Second, talk with some key leaders and kindly ask them what they believe God is leading the church to do that makes a difference. Third, offer to be part of the solution and a change agent.  Fourth, suggest some first steps. And finally, start acting the way you hope your church will be.  Model it for others and help people see the possibilities.

Will your efforts help?  Maybe.  There are no guarantees. But I think God asks us to try before we move on.

I pray your church not only makes it but thrives!

The Power of A Family That Prays

Jackie and I recently attended a regional prayer conference. It was an excellent gathering time overall with excellent speakers and lots of resources to help individuals and churches make prayer more meaningful and impacting.

However, I noticed something pretty quickly. We were some of the youngest people there and we're not exactly spring chickens anymore, though we'd like to think we are. We're grandparents so you get my point.

I had to wonder why more young adults were not attracted to activities and resources that would help them grow their prayer life. Now let me first say that I know there are many young people who value prayer. One conference's attendance isn't exactly a scientific study. However, I think it's fair to say that prayer in general is sometimes lost in those whose lives are filled with so much more to do and experience.

And I do wonder if our marriages and families aren't hurt in a way because prayer isn't more prominent in our homes. So rather than beat us up or make us feel more guilty, I simply want to offer up some practical reasons for praying more in your home and suggest a few ideas that can help you continue or get started.

First of all, prayer helps keep us focused on what's most important. When we pray for our spouse or children, we're thinking about the things that really matter and God will help keep our minds aimed at what those close to us really need.

Second, prayer will help our family stay strong even in the hard times. Prayer is no magic wand that automatically shields us or our loved ones from harm, illness or even tragedy. But when we pray, we're talking to our Heavenly Father and the Bible does say that prayer makes a difference. Prayer is like adding more fuel to the lives of each person we pray for so that when they need extra endurance, strength or guidance it's there for them to pull from.

Third, prayer helps bring us together. When your spouse knows that you pray over him or her or are praying for them during the day, they feel an extra spirit and soul bond with you. You're touching them in the deep recesses of who they are. In the same way when our kids know that mom and/or dad are praying for them, they feel more loved and important. Why would we not pray if prayer can make us closer?

So, how do we get better at this personal, important and powerful praying for our family? Let me suggest a couple of ideas. One, keep a prayer list that includes what day or days of the week you will pray for your spouse or kids. Lists help us remember. Two, as often as possible pray over or with your spouse or kids before they leave in the morning or when they go to bed at night.

Three, pray for them during the day as you think of them or when there is a particularly big request or need they have at a certain time of the day. Four, make praying about tough issues or situations the norm in your home. Sometimes, stop right in the middle of your discussion and ask God for wisdom.

Finally, use some resources. Stormie (yes that's the name she goes by) O'Martian has written a series of books anchored by one called The Power of A Praying Wife. There's also a similar book about husbands.

My boss, Will Davis, Jr., has written a Pray Big series that includes books on praying for your wife and childen as well. There are lots of other good helps out there. Find them and apply them in your home.

In fact, prayer for our family members is both fun and inspiring. It will humble you and it can change your home. How about starting now if you haven't before? And if you are praying, keep on!