THE, (Yes), THE Most Important Parenting Principle

Thousands of books have been written on how to parent and many of them contain outstanding, practical ideas regarding tactics, strategies and plan old actions that effective parents do. Of course, some ideas work well in some families and some accomplish more in different homes with different children.

You always have to pick and choose, use some trial and error and know your kids well before you land on the Holy Grail kinds of parenting skills. I wrote my own book that I think has helped some moms and dads. It's called Turn Up or Turn Around Your Parenting and is available at Amazon in both paperback and Kindle.

However, I want to highlight something I cover in the very first chapter that I think too many parents overlook, play down or at best give too little importance. And I'm convinced that in a home where there is a mom and dad that this is THE most important parenting theorem and rule of all time. And if parents don't make this a priority the rest of the ideas in those thousands of books will matter little because they won't work, at least not for long.

So what is this gem of principle that I've baited you long enough with? Here it is: Moms and dads must be on the same page and carry out the basic rules, guidelines and disciplines they decide on. This sounds so simple but many parents knowingly or unintentionally actually undermine the discipline and guidance of each other by doing just the opposite.

It happens in a couple of ways. Sometimes parents actually do talk about what they're going to enforce at bedtime, for a curfew, regarding parties, riding in other cars, going to a weekend activity, etc. But then when that guideline is broken or questioned one parent or the other looks the other way, thinks the change is no big deal and the child wins.

Other times, parents have to deal with a more spontaneous ask from their child about what to wear, going out with friends, playing with their video game, going to bed at a unique time or whatever. These kinds of events can't be talked about specifically because they don't fall into any regular pattern, category or previous discussion's content.

But the problem is that parents often then make a quick decision not knowing whether their son or daughter has already asked about this or if the other parent knows a good reason why a decision one way or the other isn't a good idea.

The result of either of these scenarios not handled in tandem together and based on previously agreed upon parameters is two-fold:  One, the children begin to believe that they really don't have to keep most rules because they can be easily broken. Or two, one spouse begins to think that their input or discipline really doesn't matter because the other partner continues to allow the opposite. And the corollary is that the kids begin to think that one parent is an easy mark.

What's the answer?  First, parents must have those meetings that lay out the basic rules and guidelines for discipline. Of course these things change as the kids get older, but the meetings and clear determinations are important nonetheless.

Second, parents must commit to keeping those rules (there are of course exceptions but should be rare) even if the other parent isn't there to help enforce them. And when we don't know if the other parent has weighed in or has a perspective particularly regarding a more spontaneous ask that needs our decision, we came up with a phrase to say to our kids.

If you need an answer now, the answer is "no."  If you can wait ten minutes (or whatever time is required) the answer is "maybe." Which option would you like to go with?

Of course, 90% of the time they took the maybe route.  That was the option with some hope and promise behind it. Once we began to respond that way all the time our kids figured out that working us against each other or pushing back on the rule wasn't going to work.

So how are you doing?  Do you and your spouse need to have a staff meeting to re-visit your discipline partnership?  If you're having trouble enforcing healthy actions and attitudes at home it's possible that you need that gathering and a new team perspective.  Chances are you need to renew your commitment to helping and supporting each other when it comes to leading and guiding your children.

And for more detail on this and other practical stuff check out my parenting book at: http://amzn.to/1SCJv53.  Happy and more fulfilling parenting!

Happy and Faithful Are Boring, But The Best

I read an article that interviewed an actor whose character was just written out of the show during the season's latest episode. And as part of one of his answers to why they couldn't always make his character happy he responded essentially saying that "happy doesn't make for good drama."

And he's right. Happy is way more boring for television or a good movie than action, struggle, manipulation and revenge. An intruiging story will most often have a protagonist, antagonist, numerous plot high points and low points and a host of surprises. That's why many Christian movies aren't very good - they don't tell interesting stories because they try to make everything always work out fine. But in reality it does not.

Newspapers, sitcoms and the latest films rarely focus on people who stay the course, are naturally happy and stay faithful to their spouse, other family and friends. They're boring. Who wants to hear about that?

Who wants to know more about the person who simply loves God for decade after decade but never makes a headline for some horrible mistake or a huge endeavor? Who wants to hear about the single mom who year after year works hard outside her home, then comes home to work until the kids are in bed only to do it again the next day and the next?

Who wants to read about the dad or mom who worked steady, average jobs all their lives so their son and daughter could both go to the college they never went to?  Not many. But I do because that was my mom and dad.

You see happy and faithful don't necessarily make great drama but they produce rich marriages and family. And when I talk about happy I don't mean some syrupy, never-real, never-honest kind of relating. No, I mean that people have something deep within them that truly satisfies and fulfills, not just getting more, succeeding more or partying more.

And faithfulness to God and to each other doesn't necessarily mean some sort of drab, no fun kind of existence. It's commitment that lasts and love that overcomes even the toughest challenges. There are lots of things that are boring which have to be done over and over for a long time that have worthwhile results. Scales on the piano, thousands of golf swings, a language practiced and math tables memorized.

What are the members of your family learning and committed to do that may be a little boring now but that last for a lifetime?  Make sure your home includes some of those and that you remind each other that being boring isn't always so bad.

Stay Determined Parents! It's Hard But Worth It.

Recently as I was leaving a Target store, I saw a mother and her crying preschooler walk out just ahead of me. The little blond-haired boy was clearly upset, yes mad, saying over and over, "I want the gingerbread man, mom, I want the gingerbread man!" He must have said it twenty times in my hearing and kept going until the two of them reached their van in the parking lot.

Even as I walked by their car with the windows rolled up I could still hear him pleading with mom for that cookie.

But to the mom's credit she wasn't yelling or chastising. She had him firmly by the hand as they calmly kept walking out of the store. Her eyes were focused ahead, she said nothing and didn't flinch. The little boy at one point even looked at me perhaps hoping I would go back and get him the gingerbread man. His eyes seemed to say, "Help me, please!"

None of it worked. And in my mind that mom was a model parent at least for that moment.

She had perhaps faced this before. Either way she knew ahead of time what she would do and she was determined that her cute little boy was not going to win that battle. This was probably one of a number of watershed moments she had had and will probably have again that will convince her son that mom means what she says.

Would it have been tempting to give in? You bet. Would she have made a big mistake in doing so? No doubt.  There's nothing wrong of course with a gingerbread man cookie now and then. But when it's demanded and a tantrum ensues no child should ever be given what they want.

Through her determination she was teaching him that his tactics to change her response would not work. I would hope that sometime later she explained to him that there are other ways to both ask for things and to react when you don't get something you want. I would hope that she made it clear that she still loved him no matter what.

But her victorious moment of parenting today during a tough situation should get an A+ and will likely bring her great success down the road plus help her little guy to grow into a respectable, obedient and un-entitled young man someday. How are you doing when it comes to giving in versus your child getting their own way much of the time?

Remember winning a small battle now will likely assist you in winning the bigger war later.

To Have Great Kids Start Early

So if you could describe the third-grader or middle school student, teenage or adult you would like your child to be what words would you use? Polite, self-controlled, kind to others, honest, obedient, God-honoring?  I'm sure we could make pretty long lists and many of us would include the same words.

Why?  Because they are words that describe the character, attitudes and actions we know make up great people, those who get along well with others, succeed in life and serve God by doing things that matter.

The problem is that many parents think these qualities will just appear in their children one day. In the meantime they wait for the child to get older before they try to instill and develop those qualities in their offspring. That is a huge mistake.

If you want your children to exhibit certain behaviors and attitudes start when they are little and I mean little. Yes, children are different in both personality and development so we can't all expect the same results at the same ages. Some kids push us harder than others and have a stronger will to resist the direction we want to give them.

In fact, that is why a lot of parents just give up and don't stay with training their kids in the way they should go because frankly it's just hard. But please don't make your child being a challenge an excuse for not digging the soil deep for planting personal seeds for their future.

We were just with our daughter Amy, her husband David and their two boys for eight or nine days. However, the youngest, Silas, who is just twenty-months, would regularly say thank you when he was given something. Twenty months. But that didn't just happen. They have a boy who is learning to be polite and they are helping him to it. In fact, their oldest, now almost four, has been learning politeness for a long time now.

Are those boys perfect?  Of course not and we cannot expect that. But too many parents simply do not try to build character qualities into their children early in their development assuming they can't learn these things. They can amd they will if we'll be actively involved.

And when your children push back, especially the strong ones, then yes they will require more repetition, reminders and practice. Your timeframe for success will be longer but it will be worth it. Don't quit.

Of course other factors are important such as modeling, family atmosphere and parenting styles. We parents must practice what we preach. But when we put intentional training along with natural modeling we are far more likely to have children who actually become what we've hoped and prayed for.

So start early.

Top Five Things NOT To Do As A Parent

There are lots of things parents do and don't do that are certainly unique and special in their home. Even things like discipline can vary from family to family depending on the size of the family, setting and personalities involved.

However, after decades of parenting and counseling others, I'm pretty convinced of at least five things that parents should definitly stay away from no matter the nature of their household.  And yet as you look at the list I'll bet that you've done at least a few if not more of these. Read the list and then consider some better options that I'll throw in.

5. Don't try to get your kids to behave by yelling louder.  Yelling should be reserved for when our child is about to be injured, but not to get t hem to act. It's our actions that will get our kids to obey more than the tone of our voice.

4.  Don't forget to follow through on your promises - good or bad.  Discipline tanks when we are inconsistent.  When spouses have different rules and expectations or even as a single parent when we do one thing one time and something else another.  Say what you mean and mean what you say. 

3.  Don't try to be like them. Too many parents are trying to be their child or teen's friend before being their parent. As a result we give in more and often still try to live vicariously through them. Many parents are still trying to dress and talk like them too and if the kids are honest they hate it when we do that so stop.

2. Don't fight with your spouse in front of them. Of course we've all had those split-second moments when something flared up between us with the kids right there. But wise parents don't continue the argument with the kids as spectators. Yes, kids need to know that parents may not get along sometimes but they also need to be shown how to take the next step. Let them see you talk about how you're going to work through things and resolve them . . . somewhere else.

1. Don't trivialize your faith. So many parents make their love for Jesus and belief in God a little nice practice that the family engages in every week. They make sure they get their church time in and maybe even get the kids to the camps and other special programs. But it's essential that we teach and model for our children that our faith is the center of who we are and what we do, not just a fraction.

You can find other blog posts on each of these ideas by going through the index. But if you find any of these cropping up in your parenting . . . just say no.

What Gets You Results As A Parent?

I'll bet you've had a scenario something like this one. Little Ryan needs to go to bed but he's playing with his favorite game. So you respond, "Ryan, it's time for you to finish your game, pick up your toys and head for bed." Ryan replies of course, "OK, mom, just a minute. I have to finish this last level."

So you give him some grace for a few minutes and then try again. "Ryan, it's time for bed. I'll be in there in a minute and when I come you need to have things picked up."  "OK, mom."

You know where I'm going with this, right?  You and Ryan go back and forth several more times until finally you (or your spouse if you're married) explodes, "Ryan, pick up your toys right now and get your butt into your bedroom!!"  Ryan finally knows that you're serious and heads for his room, the toys still on the floor. He's perhaps crying or at best now scared and the rest of your time is tense and difficult.

Sadly, what got Ryan to finally move was not a willingness to obey or a predetermined, healthy pattern of responding. No, he finally did what he was told because you got angry enough. And who taught him that this was how it works. You did. I've done it too. We've sent the message loud and clear that our kids do not have to really obey us until we reach a certain boiling point.

And as a result we suffer and so do they.

The good news is that there is a better way. We must make our actions not our anger the trigger for them to act. For example, if Ryan doesn't respond the way we want him to at an appropriate and reasonable time, then we must act in a way that convinces him we are serious. This doesn't require being mean or hitting him. But it does mean that we must help move him to action.

Some options . . . "Ryan, do you want to walk into your bedroom or should one of us carry you?" might be a next question. It could mean picking up the game right then and seeing that he puts it away after he takes it out of your hand. It could involve some other options like, "Ryan, you can either go right now to your room and get changed or tomorrow night you will go to bed thirty minutes earlier."

There are lots of ways to do this and they will differ depending upon the child's age, size and personality. The key is that you do something that requires he act and not stall.  With younger children it's wise to give them a pre-obedience phase where perhaps you set the timer on your phone or microwave to ring letting him know that there is a deadline but he has some acceptable time before he must respond.  Make sure that  your expectations, whatever they are, are also age-appropriate.

With teens, you will want to use the options idea more than most because you obviously can't pick them up. Nonetheless, the same principles are true.

The key is letting our actions do the talking not our anger. You will get far better results, harm your kids less and sleep better later that night!

THE Number One Tip For Parents!

I've been a parent for nearly thirty-five years and have counseled hundreds, if not thousands, of parents over the years. I've also read books, attended seminars and listened to people who have far more expertise than me. My wife and I have done quite a few things right and certainly made our share of mistakes.

But I know this: there is one rule for parents that supercedes them all. If you aren't all in on this one any other methodology is doomed to numerous points of failure. You want to know what it is, right?

Here you go: MOM AND DAD MUST BE ON THE SAME PAGE!  Yes, you may have different personalities, tones of voice and personal styles but the principle is still true. You as a couple must BOTH hold to the values, parameters and practices set up in the home or your discipline is doomed. (And I'll give the single parent version of this in a minute, so read on.)

Nothing confuses a child and leads to their trying to ultimately play one parent against another more than one parents standards being different than the other. Kids subtly learn to go back and forth to find who's offering the best deal. Or they figure out that one parent is softer than the other so they always check with them last!  In addition the parent who is trying to hold to the predetermined rules feels disrespected and undermined when the other caves in.

Kids need to learn early on that mom and dad basically say the same thing when it comes to discipline.  Of course, sometimes you are apart. What do you do?  Try this.  When a child comes to you with a request that you know needs to be confirmed or run by your spouse who is not right there you say: You know, if you need an answer now, the answer is no.  If you can wait for twenty minutes (or whatever time you need), the answer is maybe.

This gives you time to check in with your spouse and agree upon the next step. Your kids will learn that this is how things are done. If you're both there but caught on the spot needing to make a quick decision, take a time out. Tell the kids dad and mom need to talk first and then you'll decide.  The operative phrase there is:  We'll decide. 

And no giving free passes or reduced expectations without conferring with your spouse. Trust me.  While you still will have your battles, they will be less dramatic and challenging when your kids know the two of you will agree.

And if you're a single parent?  Then your version of this principle is simple too: be consistent. You have to be on the same page with yourself. You can't hold one standard one day and then totally change it the next. Of course there can be an exception or grace now and then but consistency must be the norm.

If you've not been doing any of this, start now. It may take a little doing but the benefits will be well worth taking on the challenge.

 

A Powerful Oxymoron For Every Parent.

You know what an oxymoron is, right? It's two words put together that are actually opposites. For example, jumbo shrimp or pretty ugly or living dead. Well, there is one I've coined over the years that has significant implications for parenting.

The oxymoron is firm nonchalance.  Let me explain. Every wise parent needs to set fair, clear boundaries for their children. If bedtime is 9 then we ought to hold to that other than some special exceptions. If you ask kids to do a chore you ought to follow through and see that it's done. If you expect a child to do his or her homework before playing you need to make sure that happens.

That's the firm part.

The problem is that too many parents try to enforce or reinforce the firmness with anger or the loud sound of their voice. Ryan, haven't I told you five times now to pick up your toys!  Carissa, don't make me come in there and drag you out of the room!  Why won't you do what I say when I ask you to?

This is where the nonchalance comes in. At the first request for Ryan to pick up his toys, the wise parent says, Ryan, did you hear me? Look at me. You need to pick those toys up now. Ryan responds, But mom, I just need to finish this section of the Legos.

Wise parent calmly but firmly replies, Ryan, I need you to do that now. Ryan: Mom, that's just not fair. You're so mean. Wise mom: I guess I am tonight. Sorry but you still need to pick up your toys.

You keep the boundaries but leave the extra emotion to the side.

Now I realize this isn't a perfect system but trust me, staying cool, but firm, accomplishes way more than going ballistic.  If your kids know there is a point where you'll blow a gourd anyway they will learn to wait for that moment because that's when they know you are serious.

Don't give them that option. Let them know you can keep your cool but you mean it.

Wise Parents Learn to Pick Their Battles

Some of us are old enough to remember Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Anyone who's ever seen the movie likely recalls the final scene where the two main characters are surrounded by more firepower than they will ever be able to handle. It's over because there is no way they can fight against everyone. They are outnumbered.

Sometimes we need to look at parenting the same way. No, not as though we are defeated and will die! But we often have to admit that we can't and don't need to fight and win every battle with our children. We will probably have to choose which ones are most important. We just don't have enough firepower to go around.

So, how do we decide?  Well, first of all, ask yourself, "Is this a decision a child should make or not?"  Choices about whether they're going to get in the car and leave with us or if they are going to go to bed at a predetermined time really shouldn't be theirs. We're the parent and we determine those things in most cases.

However, if clothing is an issue, is their choice really that big a deal or can we give them a choice of some kind and move on?  Does the choice of video game or doll to play with really matter at the moment?

Second, consider, "What's the negative consequence of giving them their choice?  It might be that we are giving them the liberty to be belligerent or to disobey and not be disciplined. Probably not a good outcome. Another negative might be that they will spend money unwisely or get into a dangerous situation. So of course we need to be firm and take the heat for saying "no."

However, if the potential result isn't a big deal we have a little more leeway in determining whether this battle is worth the energy to fight. And remember as children get older they need to learn to make good choices.

Third, does their action fly in the face of some fundamental principle that you want them to learn? Does giving them their way on something teach them to be deceptive, ornery, impolite, manipulative or whatever?

I'm sure you can come up with other good questions between you and your spouse or on your own. Just remember that some fights simply aren't worth it especially when the results aren't destructive, harmful or long lasting. Sometimes we might just be putting too much of our parenting success on winning small battles when really it's the longer term results that are the better indicators.

Getting Parenting Results Shouldn't Require Anger

It happens all the time. Little Ryan's parents tell him that it's time to go and take his bath but Ryan doesn't move. Five minutes pass and they tell him again. This time he says, "OK, but I just want to reach one more level on my game."

Five more minutes go by and Ryan is still intently working his joy stick. Mom comes in and says with more intensity, "Ryan, I'm not going to tell you again. Put the game away and get in the tub." Ryan hears her but again responds with, "Alright, I'm going," but he hasn't budged.

Three more exchanges take place and finally dad enters the room and literally yells, "Ryan, get your butt into the tub right now and give me the controller!!" Ryan now knows he has passed his parents' limit on grace and he runs to the bathroom for his bath.

Have you been there? Does a similar scene happen in some form at your house on a regular basis?  If so, you're not alone. Children often learn that the first, second and even fifth time that mom and/or dad asks them to do something that they really don't mean it or at least won't follow through. Instead the children have been programmed to wait for the anger level to reach it's high point before they act.

Wise and effective parents, however, know that they can and must expect action sooner and can do so without blowing their gourd.

How? First, make reasonable expectations. Young children especially need some time to prepare for an expectation. You can use a timer or with older kids give them a clear time limit.

Second, immediately expect and enforce the action you're requiring. When Ryan's time was up the parents needed to make sure that he complied right then. With a cool and calm voice they could have said, "Ryan, look at me. We're going to your bath right now. Hand me the controller. We're putting it away."

Some kids will respond well and others may balk. If they do, just say the same thing again. With younger and more strong-willed kids, you may have to walk them in to the bathroom or even pick them up. Whatever your choice is, stay cool and nonchalant while in control of your emotions.

You might have a child or teen say, "I hate you," because you're requiring a certain action. Again, with as much calmness as you can muster look right at them and say, "I don't hate you. You could never do anything that would make me hate you, but I'm sorry you feel that way today about me. Nonetheless, you need to go to bed."

It will take practice and patience to learn to respond quickly and without anger. But I promise you that you will get better results and use less energy if you don't let anger be your most effective way to get action from your kids. Keep on.

Wise Parents Learn to Pick Their Battles

Comedian Martin Mull once said,  "Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain."  I think most of us parents can identify with the many challenges and often the "noise" of having kids. Children  always have new ideas and new ways to push us to the limits on our decision-making.

That's why it's important for parents to decide (ahead of time, if possible) what things they are going to go to war over. There are extremes on this. Some parents don't like any conflict and refuse to let their kids down or have them mad at them so they give in on most everything. Other do the opposite and fight with their children over most everything and offer little slack room.

So, how do you find a healthy balance?  How do you determine whether to give in and let your kids do what they want or be tough?

First, ask yourself, Is this a decision the child should be making?  For example, getting in the car to go somewhere with the family at a certain time isn't optional.  And yet sometimes parents will say, "Landon, do you want to go to grandma's now?"  That's not their decision. It's time and they need to go and you need to teach them that they don't have a choice on that. You must win that argument.

Second, Is there a character issue involved that I need to shape through this decision?  Even though the issue may not be an important one at that moment, if your child has been disrespectful, dishonest  or inappropriate in some other way then you need to stick to your guns.  You can't look the other way when they have not exhibited appropriate behavior or a decent attitude.

Third, is it just not that big of a deal?  If it's reasonable for them to make a choice and if frankly the world won't end with their decision, it's reasonable and they haven't been impolite towards you or others, let them do it.  Sometimes the energy expended by taking your kids on over something that doesn't matter that much eventually becomes draining and destructive.

If you're married, I encourage you and your spouse to try to determine some of these decisions ahead of time.  Other times you'll have to make the call on the run.  However, sometimes you might try this line: "If you need an answer now, the answer is 'no.''  In the appropriate circumstances that can buy you a little time to make the wisest choice.

Hang in there.

Tips For Keeping Your Home SAFE

I originally named my blog Safe At Home for a reason. Sure, it's a clever (at least I think so!) play on words with a baseball analogy. But more importantly I've worked with families long enough to know that many homes simply aren't safe even though the people in it think so.

In recent years homeowners have been told that they should have their dwellings checked for radon gas. Apparently it's an unseen substance that can leak into a home and be deadly. The same is true for carbon monoxide. It's possible to be living around a deadly gas and not know it.

In the same ways, many homes have some destructive "gases" spreading through their families and the people who live there are unaware of the damage they are doing.

Let me suggest a couple of tips for keeping your home a safer place from those toxic elements.

First, ban destructive words. That's right. Have a family meeting tonight and say in front of your kids that you will end the use of words that are unfair, harsh and needlessly hurtful. Tell them that you will model, even when you need to be stern and firm, how to speak fairly, without yelling and to the point. Admit it if you need to change some things. But then require everyone in the house to do the same. You may need to have a point system, money jar or whatever to help this happen but do it.

Second, show every person that their comments, questions and opinions matter. Husbands and wives every day in certain homes tell each other how incompetent they are or suggest that their input into the discussion is unimportant. Children are told or it is implied that certain topics are off limits and that their comments don't ever matter when it comes to decisions made in the home or their feelings about life. Instead, listen well, invite comments when spoke appropriately and let your family know that their honest expressions don't ruffle you.

Third, keep rules and guidelines clear, fair and constant. No one likes to live in a home where what is right one day is wrong the next and vice versa. Few can tolerate being trusted one day and not the next when one's behaviors and attitudes have been consistent. If we're always moving the goal lines and boundaries on our discipline how will our children ever know what or how to obey?

Safety is not only a set of guidelines, it's also a state of mind and an atmosphere that a home must have to truly be a place our families look forward to return to each day. Who's guarding the safety in your home and have you evaluated your safety standards lately?

Good Discipline: Parenting Like You Mean It

We've all had a child or two push us on our expectations, right? Your son should know that he can't be a jerk in public but he makes a scene in the restaurant nonetheless. Your daughter seems like she knows that she just can't wear anything to school but one morning she throws a tantrum demanding she get to put on her favorite outfit when you object.

So what do you do? How do you handle those sudden push backs on your guidelines and authority without using live ammunition to quell the problem?

I'm pretty confident that you actually set the stage for what you will do before these big-time struggles ever happen. How?

First, you keep your word in the little things. You parent like you mean it. No, you don't have to be a tyrant but you do need to follow through even on the small stuff especially when your kids are little. If your kids know you'll stick to your guns about bed time and you do it every night for the most part, then they'll likely better understand that you're going to follow through in the restaurant or before school during the blow-up.

Second, if you're married you keep your word as a team. Kids need to know that mom or dad are not the easy out to the tough decisions that the other parent makes. If mom says it's bedtime and then dad comes in and changes the rule and allows them to stay up, the children begin to figure out the difference in mom and dad and begin to use it to their advantage. Moms and dads must be on the same page when it comes to how you follow through on your disciplinary commitments.

Third, it never hurts to address some of the more major possibilities ahead of time.  I remember telling our kids that we would have a curfew time for when they went out, one that varied depending upon the event, how far away it was, etc. But we also told them that if they didn't show up very close to on time, that we would either be in the car looking for them or on the phone with the police.  Interestingly, one of our kids went well beyond this rule about two weeks after we had that discussion.

They found out very quickly that we meant what we said when they met me on their way home . . . in my car looking for them.

A big percentage of parent/child discipline problems could be resolved if the parents just parented as though they meant it. And the sooner the better.

Rewards For Kids or Good For Nothing?

The Smiths pay their kids for good grades. The Johnsons wouldn't think of it. The Andersons have found that providing financial and privilege incentives for their elementary-aged children really motivates them but the Davis' think kids need to learn to do their part without complaining.

Parents and so-called parenting "experts" have disagreed for decades about whether children should be given anything beyond the pride of accomplishment for helping at home, doing well in school, practicing their instrument and the like. And my hunch is that you blog readers will have varying views on the subject. I'd love to hear from you.

Nonetheless, while I'm far from the last word on anything, let me offer a few principles or guidelines that you might at least ponder as you do your best to teach, motivate and mature your kids.

First, remember what motivates you. My hunch is that while you may love your job, it's the money, bonuses and vacation time that keep you at the top of your game and going to work everyday. Incentives aren't inherently wrong so don't totally throw them out of your parenting manual.

Second, if you use rewards, allowance and other incentives don't apply them to everything or use them all the time.  Special bonuses should come later and not be the norm. When your kids are little they can learn how to help pick up, do simple chores and assist mom and dad just because they're family too. Teaching kids a healthy work ethic usually finds its foundation in learning to labor well whether there's a personal benefit or not.

Third, you can use rewards to teach children important life lessons.  For example, they can learn to save, to not always get what they want immediately and even to begin to give offerings to God. A simple allowance or some special pay for an over-the-expected chore can provide you  and them some learning capital with which to teach and train. They can also learn that even though you have something (like a salary) you won't keep it if you don't work, show up on time and do things well.

Finally, rewards can often help a child who is struggling an extra push toward reaching an important goal. Not every child will be a naturally good student, athlete, musician or worker at home. Sometimes though that extra nudge from mom and dad with a reward can motivate them and teach them that sometimes working extra hard is worth it in very tangible ways.

So, you'll have to decide what works best at your house but keep the options open when it comes to motivating your kids. I don't think I've ever met an adult who felt like they were emotionally messed up because their parents rewarded them now and then for hard work. But I have met a lot more individuals and couples whose parents didn't teach them much of anything about money, time and resources and they're paying a high price now.

Just Say NO - Sometimes

Jackie and I were shopping just a few days after Christmas and saw a mom debating with her young daughter about whether she was going to buy her a new toy or not.  Maybe I didn't have all the facts but I'm thinking, "Hmm, is this really an issue right after the biggest gift giving day of the year?"

It's not easy to say "no," is it, to the longings, loves and likes of the kids we love?  However, it's important that we make sure this little two- letter word is somewhere in our vocabulary. Kids need to know that life doesn't give them everything and that their desires aren't always wise nor the most important need in the family.

Why don't we say "no," at least some of the time?  It's likely because we don't want our kids mad at us or we think that they'll love us less when we're tough on them. Perhaps we had very harsh parents ourselves and we hate the thought of our kids experiencing the same kind of treatment from us.

Often a non-custodial parent will do more for a child than they would normally because they don't see that child often and want to somehow make it up to them. As a result they give them whatever they want.  Yes, sometimes it's easier to just give in. Don't go there.

Children can subtly begin to think that the more they beg, plead and coerce the more they'll get.  But is that how life works?  Of course not, so why teach our kids that it does?  When we turn down their inappropriate, though natural, requests we set up healthy boundaries that will help them make wise decisions and enjoy the good times even more.

But let me suggest a couple of guidelines.  First, don't say "no''all the time or more than you say yes if possible. When we first moved into a new house I had a tendency to do that.  I didn't want the walls marked or windows scratched so I was constantly saying, "Don't move that there," or "No, you can't sit too close to that," or whatever.  My wife finally had to say to me, "Do you know that all you say to your son these days is no?  Oops.  "No" must be one of many responses we give our kids but not the most prevalent one.

Second, say "no" calmly and firmly but not harshly.  Say it as though that is of course your answer on that issue and that life will move on just fine. Don't turn the situation into a battle.  Often a fight begins because we were simply harsher than we needed to be or used language that was more condemning than simply communicating.  You can turn down their request without being angry or demeaning.

Third, when you can decide ahead of time what you will say "no" to. There are lots of gray areas for parents that you won't always have a clear answer on but there are some that should be obvious.  For example, when a child is trying to play parents against each other, your first answer should probably be no until you find out more from the other parent. When they are clearly being demanding of their own way it's probably time to put the brakes on no matter what the issue is.

Finally, look them in the eye and make sure they heard you. This is especially true for young children.  "What did mommy or daddy just say?"  Or for the older ones, "Let's be clear on this, son.  What is it that we've agreed to here?"

You'll have to decide what works best but remember that "no" isn't a dirty word. Just use it wisely.

Kids ARE Impressionable!

 I heard recently from a Christian school teacher who was shocked at how many of her elementary-aged students had received M-rated videos for Christmas. And of course most of us have seen young kids in movies, watching television programs or at concerts that were clearly inappropriate for them.

The excuse that many parents use is that most of the mature concepts just go right over their heads and that they don't get the negative parts because of their age. Hmmm.  I was just around my three-and-a-half year old grandson and he repeats everything!  Sure, he might not "get" the implications or meanings of certain words or ideas but it's clear they have been impressed on his maturing brain.

When our son Tim was still young enough to be carried into the house, I heard him one night saying "Shoot, daddy," as I was trying to get my key into the lock of our side door on the house.  I quickly realized that he had often heard me say "shoot" other times when the key didn't easily slide into the lock.  Glad I didn't say something worse!

So imagine a six to ten year old with a mature rated video, in front of a racy television program or watching an PG-13 film.  Do we think that all the impressions and intentions of that experience will simply go over their head?  No way.  Some of it will stick.

We must be reminded that we parents are the gatekeepers of what goes into the hearts and minds of our children.  No, we can't keep them from every evil or inappropriate influence (nor should we) but we can do what we can now while we are able.  These early years are when we must teach them appropriate boundaries, morals and guidelines from which to someday make their own decisions about right and wrong . Their little minds can't handle the barrage of input that they can have access to if we don't limit it in some way.

In fact, much of what is presented to us in popular entertainment isn't just immoral - it's amoral.  Intentionally or not, many of those who produce today's popular movies, video, music and television offerings treat everything as equally right and acceptable.  What a person chooses to do is what is moral for him or her.

So when we let them do just anything or what everyone else does we're also saying, "It's all ok. Don't worry about it. It won't make that much of a difference."

So parent, don't just let your kids watch, see and do anything. Monitor the movies and other entertainment they might be exposed to both in your home and their friends' homes. Say "no" to popular gifts that they simply aren't ready for. Turn off the television when programs aren't appropriate.  You aren't being a tyrant or a prude.  You're being wise.

And when they are exposed to something you know they don't need to see, talk about it with them. Turn it into a teaching time about what's truly right and wrong. In fact as they become middle and highschoolers  you'll need to have more of those discussions.

Our children were made to be like soft, handfuls of clay ready to be impacted by the many wonderful things God has made for us all to enjoy. Don't let those benefits be crowded out because you simply looked the other way.

The Power of NO in Parenting

I was babysitting for my 14 month old grandson Liam some years ago now. And it became obvious again that his parents had taught him well about things that are not OK. He'd point at something like a plug or the computer and say "No," (sometimes Nah but we know what he means). It's pretty fun, really,  but it also shows that he can grasp the idea even at his young age.

However, he's also very human and so wants to see if he can push past the roadblock.  He tried several ways to get me to say yes as he reached for some DVDs near our television.  First, he just touched them and then looked at me to see what I'd do or say.  So I repeated "No" to him calmly.  He tried that several times but to no avail.

Then he went for the "cute" option.  He would pucker up his face and then smile at me while reaching for the treasure. I had to work at not starting to laugh. Thankfully he didn't push it too far and I was able to move him on to something we could have fun with together.

Of course, rules, discipline and guidelines always have to be considered in light of a child's age and maturity but too many parents seem to have this fear or at least reticence to tell their kids "no." I spoke with a man just the other day who told me exactly that about his teenage son.  "It's so hard to say 'no' to him." And I could identify because we don't want to be the parent of doom or have our kids upset with us.

However, having concrete boundaries and clear rules actually help our children to function more freely and have more fun doing the things they can do. It's when they don't know the rules or the rules are always changing that they begin to fear us more and wonder when the gavel will come crashing down on them again.

Secondly, saying "no" helps prepare them for the real world.  No one gets to do everything.  And yet if kids grow up getting to make all their own decisions and rarely getting turned down for anything they'll expect that from their work, family and friends as adults.

In fact, there's a line you might use when you have to make a decision on the spot but aren't sure if you should say no or not.  Maybe you simply haven't had time to think about it or to talk with your spouse.  Try this.  "If you need an answer right now, the answer is 'no.'  If you need an answer in fifteen minutes the answer is maybe."

Now you have an opportunity to think about the wisest decision. Most of the time your kids don't have to have an answer on the spot even though they may think they do.  But it's better to wait and make the right call rather than just give in.

So when it's appropriate and needed . . . just say "no."  It's not so bad.

Being Ready For Parenting Turbulence

On a recent flight I sat next to a new, young pilot-in-training.  He even asked to sit by the window so he could see more of what was going on outside.  I asked him a couple of flying questions and he was more than eager to tell me what he knows.  As a long-time wannabe pilot I found his discussion fascinating and it made the trip go by faster, too.

However, not too long into the flight we encountered some pretty bumpy air, more than usual. I wasn't panicky (I happen to enjoy flying) but I looked over at the young man and he was as calm as a cucumber.  He said, "I don't get worried unless my head is hitting the ceiling."  I guess that's the kind of pilot everyone wants flying their plane.

Parenting can have its bumps, too, and Jackie and I found it's a good idea to prepare as much as possible for it ahead of time. While we can't ever totally know what our kids will do, our kids need to know what we'll do!  And so do we!

This is especially true for families with both mom and dad at home to together about strategies and steps they'll take when things might hit the fan.  Are there certain things you'll at least both agree to try when a child has a meltdown?  Can you agree on actions you'll avoid at all costs?  Are you willing to leave a restaurant, someone's home or wherever if things get out of hand? What are your options?

Have you decided on your limits or what you will do when a child has simply had enough and it's not wise to push them any further?

These kinds of discussions are important so that you as parents can be on the same team and provide a helpful and united response when your kids go beyond acceptable limits.  If you're a single parent then at least do some homework about what actions and words are actually doable for you and appropriate.

Take inventory of those times at your house or with your kids that are bumpier than others. For some it's time at a restaurant while for others it's bedtime. It's helpful to arm yourself with some practical strategies that you can use when the bumpy air comes along on your journey. If you need some ideas, talk with some other parents about what they do in certain situations, read some good books or even someone's blog like this one!

And then at some point you need to act. Show your kids what you will do and won't do when things get rough. Turbulence in parenting is inevitable, but it doesn't have to cause great harm or unmanageable angst if we're prepared for it.

Do You Really Hate Your Kids?

I'm writing this post from Colorado where I and my family heard two parents within a couple of hours of each other profanely berate their kids in public. They swore at them!  And it was for nothing - such as not doing exactly what was expected of them while getting into the car. My wife, daughter and I just looked at each other.  I thought to myself, "Do these people really feel the hate they appeared to have for their kids at that moment?"

Now granted all of us parents have blown it at times saying things we wish we could take back.  There aren't any perfect parents. I'm sure the parents I saw don't really hate their offspring. But what could be the purpose of yelling at kids and much worse cursing at them?  What are these people teaching their kids?  Couldn't they express their displeasure or concern without the drama?

In my thinking there's no reason to ever yell at our kids unless they're in immediate danger.  Yelling never adds to the effectiveness of our speech. Never. However, it can do much hurtful damage, some of which may stay with our children forever. What will we do when our kids really mess up?  How many kids end up feeling they can never measure up simply because their mother and/or father couldn't lovingly and firmly discipline or express their expectations?

There are alternatives to the tempting verbal barrages we could serve up when our kids act up.  In fact, I've written in previous posts about some practical parenting techniques that are most effective depending upon the age of the child.  Go back and look at some of those.  However, there are a few helpful basics that apply no matter how old your kids are.

First of all, when your kids are driving you crazy such as not getting into the car, failing to follow through on your request at home, or just being squirrelly at the dinner table, stop and take a breath. That's right - pause and think about what you're going to do.  You can then say to your son something like, "Come here next to me right now," and expect him to do it.  Be firm, no exceptions.  But you don't need to yell to get action.  Let your words be the motivator not your emotions.  And if little Ryan doesn't come, appropriately help him in one form or another. With little ones that may mean actually picking them up or ideally leading them by the hand. Let them know you mean it and follow through without the high emotion and words that simply hurt.

Second, give them choices.  "Sarah, you can either stand here by mom or sit in the front seat of the car but you cannot run across the parking lot."  And then don't be satisfied until she is doing one or the other.  To be honest most of our fits of anger come from feeling like we are losing the battle with a child and we're not willing to do what it takes to win appropriately.  Is winning easy?  Not necessarily. But if we give clear choices as the only "win" for the child, then we will tend to have more satisfying and less destructive experiences.

Third, be ready ahead of time for the 'rough water.'  Being here in Colorado reminds me of some whitewater rafting I've done with my family in this beautiful state.  And I remember that before we ever got in the water the guide would give us instructions on what to do especially when we hit the bigger rapids.  In other words, before we got in the rough water we practiced and prepared in the still water. The same is true with parenting.  We must make our choices regarding what we will do and won't do - ahead of time.

We will prepare and even practice saying and doing the most effective things before we hit the class- four rapids of parenting. If you're married work these things out with your spouse as well.  It's important that you be on the same team and using essentially the same tactics so the kids receive consistent responses no matter which parent is doing the disciplining.

Proverbs 18:21 reminds us that, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue."  Don't let your harsh words even in the emotion of a difficult moment cause undue hurt and long-term harm.  Keep even your words of correction meaningful, helpful and consistent. It will be worth it and make times with your kids more fun and memorable.

Best Parenting Ideas With Your Teen - Part 1

The other night we were on an evening boat cruise here in Austin.  In front of us was a mother, father and two teenage daughters, one of which clearly didn't want to be there.  We've all seen it - the arms crossed, constant frown, rolling of the eyes while trying to let everyone around her know that she was totally miserable.

Of course, the answer was easy.  Throw her overboard.

OK, maybe that wouldn't be the best option but dealing with an emotionally challenged teen is rarely simple.  And while our adolescents come in all sizes, personalities, and ways of reacting there are a few ideas we've tried that can help in parenting a teenager or two depending upon the situation.

First, give options when you can.  This tactic is a carryover from the elementary years just taken to a new and broader level.  When kids are 7 - 8 there are usually fewer options than when they become teens but the concept is the same.  Maybe the princess on our cruise the other night had said, "I'm not going on some stupid boat trip!  That is SO lame."

Options might be, "Well, you can either stay in a hot car for the next 90 minutes while we go or you can join us out on the lake and suffer spending some time with us.  Which works best for you?"  ( I have found that brief humor helps sometimes - not them, but me!)

Or, "Honey, you are going because we're on vacation and we're the parents.  This may not be your favorite thing but you have one of two options - be miserable, but not spoil the rest of the time for us or the other people on the boat or make the most of it and try to enjoy it for 90 minutes.  Which do you want to do because there are no other options."

Giving options of course can involve clothing, activities, how things get done, etc.  When our kids would ask us something rather spontaneously when we'd not had time to think about it we would use this line:  "If you need an answer right now, the answer is no.  If you can wait 15 minutes (or whatever time needed) the answer is maybe. Which of those would you like to go with?"

Or, "No you can't wear that outfit, period, but you can choose from these.  Take your pick."

"Mom, everyone's going for pizza right now and Allison wants to know if I can ride with her."  Let's say that riding with Allison is not ok for some reason.  You might say, "Well, you can't ride with Allison but there are several other possibilities.  If you can wait 20 minutes we'll drive you or you can drive on your own or [fill in the blank].  Why don't you decide which of those options you'd prefer."

I'm not suggesting you won't get a fight but your child will first of all learn that this is how you do things in these situations and second they will more likely feel like they still have some choice in the matter.

You see, choices help develop their already developing mind. Their thinking is moving more from the objective to the subjective. They will need to learn that a lot of life is about choices and making the best ones.  So when we as parents give them practice with making choices in our own discipline structure we're actually helping them learn to think rather than just be told what to do. 

However, as I've suggested in other posts, you have to stay firm and not give in.  If you keep changing your mind because they whine or protest they'll learn that whining and protest work and you'll get  more of that from them every time.

And be sure to think about your choices ahead of time when you can.  Hear yourself actually saying the choices that you're prepared to offer. You'll become more creative and effective the more you can plan ahead!  I'll share some other ideas next time such as when a parent should actually consider pulling them out of the water. :)