Staying Married 40 Years: The Tools of Commitment

Jackie and I are celebrating forty years of marriage today, Sunday, June 26th. We were married in 1976, the same year our country was founded.

Oh, wait a minute, it just seems that long and we look that old at times. We actually honeymooned in Canada during most of the 200th celebration of our country's establishment so we weren't too patriotic.

Sometimes we both feel as though we couldn't even be forty years old, much more married that long. On the other hand, we are incredibly blessed to still be husband and wife in a culture where silver, golden and even ruby (40) anniversaries seem to be fewer and fewer.

We were blessed with two awesome kids, who now have their own and have given us six grandsons. Wow, who would turn that down?

But we also know that we haven't been perfect and accept our warts, scars and ongoing challenges that others face. We didn't do everything right by any means and brought our own issues to marriage, ones that we too had to overcome by the grace of God. We've shared some of those stories elsewhere.

If we can share anything, however, it might be just a handful of attitudes and practices that have been handholds and footholds in our journey together, points of balance and strength that have kept us from giving up or giving in. No, we didn't do any of these perfectly but we made them consistent throughout the years.

One, we made time for each other even when we had kids or other significant responsibilities. I've written about this in other posts plus my book, Turn Up Or Turn Around Your Marriage, but I need to highlight the idea again here. We've almost always had a least a day that was dedicated to time together. We still do today.

When we had kids, we shared babysitters to lessen the costs, but we still made it a priority. That time kept us talking, relaxing, connecting and making each other a priority. We dreamed, planned and worked through things because we had the time.

Two, we said "I love you" a lot along with other encouraging words of life. Even in conflict we avoided name-calling, comparing and shame. We knew that words were and are powerful so we kept trying to speak life into each other. A related action is that we still act romantically towards each other in the everyday times - hold hands, sit together on the couch when we watch TV and kiss each other hello and goodbye.

Third, we were always a team - as parents, partners, dealing with finances, making decisions, disciplining the children. Everything we own, we both own. It's all ours even though there might be a few items that one or the other cherishes or uses more. One of our favorite things to do was to plan special trips or other events together.

Finally, though there are more I could talk about, we both looked to God, to Jesus and the power of His Spirit for our ultimate worth and happiness and the strength to live godly. Unlike the Jerry Maguire line, we don't try or expect to complete each other. We immensely enjoy each other's love and care and hope to keep doing so for many years to come. But we are clear that when it's all said and done, God is enough.

You see marriage is a wonderful taste of what only God can do in us all the time. That's why we sacrificed to give to Him over the years, to serve other in missions or special programs like MOPS. It's why we chose ministry together over just getting more stuff. And it's what we believe will make the rest of our years special, whatever time God allows us.

We do value so many who have been our models, mentors, teachers and encouragers. Some of you who will read this are in those groups whether you know it or not. Thank you.

And if our example can help you or someone else to keep committed to marriage and not give up, then it's been worth the difficult journey even more. Feel free to share this post with others who might benefit from hearing a little of our story.

As I like to say, never quit climbing. The view from the top is worth it!

Five Essential Things To Ramp Up At Home Next Year

Okay so very few of us ever follows through on a New Year's resolution. But maybe if we put our minds to it we could actually make a change or two over the long haul. Let me actually suggest five areas to work on to take your home to a higher plane this year.

First, spend more time with your spouse. The number one reason couples struggle is because they don't act like friends much anymore. And remember when you were dating you had little trouble spend huge amounts of time together. While you were busy very little got in the way of your time together. That has likely changed big time. Make time again for each other.

Second, make more memories that involve your whole family. Make spending time doing fun,  unique and even giving things that you do together. We spend way too much time in the car and in the stands merely watching each other but not engaged with one another. There are lots of possibilities out there that you've never considered.

Plan some special events and try not to make them all activity or entertainment oriented.

Third, teach your kids skills they will need in the future. Do they know how to do the laundry, iron clothes, organize their lives and balance a bank account (check book for some)?  Many do not know these basics and enter marriage without these and other fundamental skills that would benefit them in major ways once they are out on their own. Add your own additional items, especially ones that you are particularly good at.

Fourth, go back and review some of your family highlights. This could be easily done by going back and looking at old photos or videos. Most of us have countless pics somewhere that we haven't seen again ever or at least for a long time. You'll have some laughs and enjoy some wonderful memories that you don't want to lose.

Finally, go serve someone else. Find a shelter, nursing home, neighbor in need or whoever where  you could serve not just once but all year long. Figure out where you could build some relationships with people you don't know but will get to know over time. Your family will never be the same and you'll add a memory and experience.

So don't make resolutions but consider starting some new ways of living that aren't that hard but will likely last you far longer than your last promise to lose weight, exercise more or save money. And the investment will even have eternal dividends. Enjoy.

Do You Require Church When Family Members Balk?

There's a now oft-told story about a woman who opens the door of the bedroom and says, "John, you need to get up and get ready for church." To which John replies, "I don't want to go to church."

"You have to go," the woman replies. "But I tell you I don't want to. No one likes me, church is boring and I'd rather be at home. Give me three reasons why I should go."

"Well," the woman says, "One, going will make you a better person, two, there are people there expecting you and three, you're the pastor of the church."

Perhaps you're not dealing with the pastor not wanting to go to church but it's one of your kids. What do you do? Do you force them? Do you make them go and hate it? What if they're almost eighteen and you're trying to help them learn to make their own decisions?

First of all there are things that kids still living in your home under the age of eighteen really don't have the right to decide and in my opinion one of those is church attendance. Ideally, wise parents make church an important part of their home and family experience starting when the kids are little. Often that will help those children to want and expect to go as long as they are at home.

And yet we know that kids will often still balk at church attendance for a variety of reasons and I encourage parents to address the reasons before they consider letting a student stay home.

Maybe the options provided aren't very good ones - poor student ministry leadership or no programs per se. Perhaps there has been a relationship struggle with someone or a certain group that needs addressing. If that's the case then work on changing those things.

Go help with the student ministry. Help your son or daughter navigate the relational issues.  Meet with the teacher or student leaders to get more insight on what might be done to improve things. Start by being proactive.

Second, consider that there may be a spiritual issue. Perhaps your child doesn't have a relationship with God. Maybe they're unsure how to grow spiritually or has received some flack from friends about Christianity. Spend some time with them talking about spiritual things and listening to their questions. Maybe you could read something together that will help you both learn.

Third, learn to worship together. Tell your kids that you're going to discuss the message later and would like their thoughts. Model for them your active and passionate involvement in the music, prayer and teaching. Let them see your faith in action!

Finally, be patient.  Most kids have times of wondering, rebelling and needing to make your faith their faith. They will grumble, pout and question at times. Don't let deter you from parenting them and pointing them to Christ. Someday they might still reject their faith but Proverbs 22:6 reminds us that when we train them well the odds go way up.

And letting them stay home doesn't usually help those odds.

Sometimes The Big Things Are In The Little Ones

Big events and accomplishments always seem to get more attention, don't they?  Eighty-thousand people in a stadium always feels more exciting than eight hundred. An ad campaign that touches millions is usually view as better than one that impacts a few hundred.

Even service projects are deemed more worthwhile when we know that many, many people were helped versus just a few. And there is something to say for using our resources of time, talent and energy so that the greatest results can be achieved.

However, there are times when it seems like we've forgotten the potential impact of the one or two people we or our family might touch. When we help a neighbor or friend, assist one homeless person or volunteer for one morning God can use us to make a huge difference. At the moment, not necessarily. 

But as we do our share along with hundreds or even thousands of others BIG things can happen. Too many churches, non-profits and even individuals seem to think that success is only measured by the ton or at least the giant size version of congregation, money raising or community impact.

You hear it all the time . . . ."Yes, we're believing that ________________ people or churches or groups (or whatever) will be changed or take part or raise so many dollars or grow to a certain size."  And we should be thankful when hard work, prayer and commitment do result in important and significant outcomes.

But let's never miss the power of doing something small now for a greater result later and in tandem with others engaged in the same.

What might that mean in the everyday?  First, we will enjoy the little "wins" and blessings we see in our churches. We'll be thankful for the one or two new people who came, the one marriage that was saved and the few students who joined the youth group this last month.

Second, we'll be even more intentional about helping just one or two people each day. We'll look for those small opportunities to help a neighbor, friend or someone we just meet during the day.  We'll relish that we had that one God-moment to make this small difference in someone's life believing that God can use it for a far greater good.

Third, we'll teach our kids and model for each other an attitude of serving and giving that has no minimum on how much we accomplish. Caring and serving will simply become more of the norm at our house.

You see BIG things don't necessarily happen in big ways. They happen more often because people with just a little resource give it away believing something big will occur anyway.

Trying To Light What Can't Give Light

I recently officiated at a wedding, one of my favorite things to do as a pastor. The reception was in a lovely venue out in the Texas hill country. Some friends at our church were also there both to assist with some of the wedding preparations and then to attend.

So after the wedding finished we were getting ready to sit down at one of tables but my friend and his wife were, like the servants they are, going around to see that the candles on the tables were lit.  Each table had a large candle in the middle with four smaller candles around it outside of the glass covering for the larger candle.

So the man came by our table with his lighter and easily lit the four smaller candles but couldn't seem to get the large one in the middle lit. He finally gave up only to have his sweet wife come by, lift up the candle, turn it over and click the switch on the bottom. It was obviously electric and a fake. We all had a good laugh afterward seeing our friend with a slightly red face.

And I thought to myself . . . how many people in everyday life are trying to get light or a flame out of something that was never intended to light?

They try. Sometimes over and over. They believe with all their heart that some activity or person or accomplishment will finally light up for them and give them what they had hoped for.  But like that electric bulb, which was never intended to become a warm flame, their hoped for satisfaction never appears either. 

Getting married,  having children, getting that promotion, obtaining that long-sought-after degree, seeing their kids win awards, owning more stuff, getting the big house, having a parent finally affirm them . . . .The list is endless. And yet they keep striking their match.

We've all done this, haven't we? The question is, "Have we gotten over the pull of things or people for our fulfillment?"  Are we trying to light a flame that is un-lightable?

If you are, then it's time for a recalibration of your thinking and your heart. It's time to learn that there are many wonderful things on most of our lists that are good to desire, but terrible to demand. Much unhappiness in life is really the result of  unmet expectations. And if we expect these things or people to make us happy we will live the rest of our lives with expectations never reached. We'll be trying to light an electric candle with a match.

Practically?  Start being thankful for what you already have. More is never enough.  Begin to pray more for what you desire and ask God to take away your demand for anything or anyone but Him.

Second, slow down, live with less and add margin to your life. Limit how many activities your kids are in and how often the family taxi has to run to meet all their needs. If you'll try this even on a small scale you will find yourself enjoying life and your family so much more.

Third, take inventory with  your spouse or a friend and admit those things have been  your lights that won't light. Don't beat yourself up, just commit to quit trying to light them. Take a first step to live differently and find your own real candle that does light.

You'll be a lot less irritated and a lot less . . . .well, shall I say "embarassed."

Love Jesus? Just Do It!

I love my wife Jackie. Perfectly? Nope, but as passionately as I can. And I often come up with, discover or even learn from others' example great ways to express that love better. But I have a feeling that you and others who know me would get annoyed if I constantly either suggested that my new ways of loving were better than yours or intimated that they were perhaps the standard for everyone.

And yet I hear some pastors, leaders and everyday people suggesting that their new strategy or idea for living out their Christian faith and love for Christ is the newest, brightest, most spiritual and best way. They say or at least imply in their message, comments or even Facebook post that they've now discovered the real way to love, a way that others have apparently been missing for years, perhaps even centuries.

I often read or hear that if I just gave more sacrificially, served the poor more, sold my home and downsized, gave up social media for a month, fasted, went on a missions trip or did something truly radical that I would genuinely be showing my love for Jesus just like them.

The problem is that none of us who follow Christ have to be like them or like anyone except Jesus. There are myriad ways to live out our faith and God has given us all unique situations, personalities, gifts and opportunities to be Jesus in and to our culture. Add to that people in other cultures to whom our American ideas for spirituality and Christ following would make little sense at all.

Can we learn from the example and urgings of others?  Of course and we should. There is a place for pushing one another to new levels of love and obedience. But too often likely well-meaning people want to find the Holy Grail of discipleship or Christ - following when we would be better to just live out our personal commitment with all the passion and fervor we can offer. We don't need to talk about it, pontificate, brag or tell others how they should live for Jesus like we do.

If we have received a new nudge from God to ratchet up our commitment to Christ, like a husband or wife might for their spouse, then we should just DO IT passionately and humbly.

Jesus can handle the challenges people need to hear and will stimulate genuine heart change. We should just love Jesus, model it and keep learning. My hunch is that others will notice anyway.

Boring Consistency: A Cornerstone of Great Marriages

I'm a musician. I've been playing keyboards of some kind since I was eight. And I used to hate practicing. All those scales, chords and arpeggios in different keys. There was painful fingering that often caused me to want to quit.

Thankfully my parents made me stay at it knowing that I had some natural talent and that they had spent a lot of money on lessons that could have been used for other important things, too.

I didn't realize it then, but I certainly do now.  Sometimes the best, most important things require boring consistency, doing the same thing over and over because there is a wonderful result ahead. Athletes, artists, mechanics, surgeons and airplane pilots also know this. They do things over and over to both improve and to be able to make important decisions quickly.

The same is true in marriage. Staying true to your spouse, doing the right thing, being loving day after day even when life is hard can be boring. Others may taunt us that a life of running around and doing your own thing is more "fun."  The problem is that the results aren't the same.  The fun is short-lived, while the fulfillment of a commitment and deepening relationship with our spouse lasts and causes us to find deeper intimacy.

So what are some perhaps boring habits, repetitive actions and attitudes that will help our marriages to be rich and last?

Saying impacting words.  We may have tired of saying "I love you," or think our spouse knows that already but keep doing it. Find some new ones to spice it up but don't quit.

Doing little loving actions that your spouse likes.  Maybe it's the coffee you make in the morning, the favorite meal you cook or filling the car with gas. Don't stop even though it's boring.

Planning special events together. You may not like everything your spouse enjoys but do some of those things over and over anyway. You can take turns but don't bail on your part.

Going to church and serving others. Your spiritual foundation is what supports everything else. It may not be as exciting or interesting as you'd like it but go get reoriented with God's truth and the encouragement of other believers. You may feel like you've done the same task for years but remember it matters to someone.

What else in your marriage is good but a little boring?  Make a new commitment this year to keep doing it. Thank your spouse for keeping his or her commitments too. If there's too much boredom then talk with your spouse about spicing things up as well.

Too many marriages are tanking because people give up and quit. Don't let yours be one of them.

What It Will Take To Keep A Resolution This Year

Of course this is the time of year when many people start make resolutions, turning over new leaves and hoping to finally win the battle to lose some pounds, start exercising, quit smoking, begin school or whever. And my hunch is that most of those people are pretty serious and sincere.

But so many of those hopes, dreams and goals simply never happen. Why? And what WILL it take for us to finally look back and realize we actually did accomplish something in the new year?

I think there are a couple of key ingredients for success. First, we need a crisis mentality. A good friend of mine just discovered that some cancer he had had removed has returned other places. While it was serious before it's a potential personal crisis now.

I know this. He doesn't need anyone's motivation, list of resolutions or accountability partner to fight this now with all of his being. If he doesn't the results will likely be disastrous. And yes we hope that many of our goals aren't that serious but we need to think more that way. For example, we might need to lose ten pounds or more.

What if we started thinking that if I don't lose this weight I could end up gaining more, becoming more unhealthy and perhaps not be able to enjoy my family the way I could if I got healthier? To not lose weight with this kind of thinking could be a crisis. That would probably motivate us a lot more than just a list.

More significantly, what if we thought about the consequences of not getting our finances together, working on a relationship or stopping a habit or practice that could destroy our marriage? That might get us going.

Second, we must have a plan. The old adage, you don't plan to fail you just fail to plan, fits here. Write down not only your big goal but the little goals you need to get there. Have someone doing it with you if possible. Make deadlines for when you will start, join a club or group, start classes, etc.

Ideally, have an accountability partner keeping tabs on you, too. Make sure they are ruthless. Plan to work and work the plan.

Third, we must get real. So many of our resolutions are just talk, way beyond our resources or ability and discourage us just thinking about them. So start at a realistic trailhead. Make sure you can accomplish the first few steps before you commit to the bigger ones. And if you can't really do this find something else! You don't have to climb Everest. There are other smaller mountains to climb first.

Fourth, anticipate and then enjoy your early successes. Dave Ramsey, financial expert, tells couples in large amounts of debt to first pay off the smallest amount. That way they get success and can apply those funds to the next smallest sum. We need to do the same no matter what our goal is. Get to the first plateau and celebrate it, encourage yourself and look forward to the next one.

Finally, remember that God wants you to grow, become more like Jesus and to be the person He intended. Invite Him into the process, ask Him for strength and wisdom along the way.Christ followers actually have God's power in them to do more than they could otherwise.  Use it.

If you'll tackle your resolutions wisely and with God's help they might just turn into a personal revolution!

Commitment Is A Long Journey, Not a Short Walk

I have been having fun recently with an anagram finder website.  It takes a word, name or short phrase and tells you what words or phrases would use the same letters. Some of them are silly but some are pretty funny. For example, my name Gary Sinclair also spells Scary Liar Gin or Sangria Lyric.

However, I recently tried the word commitment and guess what?  There is only one other option:  commitment.  

I guess it's hard to say commitment any other way than just commitment.  In other words there are no cheap substitutes. What might that mean?

Well, a lot of us would like our commitment to something - marriage, parenting, a changed life, devotion to Christ and the like - to be pretty easy.  Check off a few boxes, have an emotional moment or special gathering, think about it now and then and we're done.

But commitment to anything for a long time requires giving oneself to it one step, one moment, one day at a time. We can't just go, "Oh yeah, you know I need to give a little attention to my parenting or marriage.  It's been a while."  Or, "Jesus is important to me but I'm not going to get too radical about my faith."

But you see anything great takes hard, consistent, passionate effort and thought - all the time.  Look at outstanding athletes, musicians, artists, authors and saints. They all had to give their life to it. But even so they had to first commit to a daily mindset and way of life.  What might that look like?

First,  do we think about the true significance of that part of our life?  Do we have it near the center or just along the periphery of our mind?  I wrote about this in my last blog concerning our faith in Christ.  Is Jesus the center or just a piece of the pie?  If our goal is a great one then we must come to grips with how important it is that we reach that goal.

We must think, "This matters.  I have to do this well."

Second, have we put habits into our life that cause that area to grow in us and others?  For example, do we habitually spend time with our spouse or include meaningful activities with our kids?  A lot of families these days are on cruise control every week and instead of them running life it runs them. Or in our spiritual lives, do we read the Bible, pray and spend time learning from others at church, small group or one to one?

Third, do we have people around us who will keep us focused?  We all need partners, cohorts, mentors and fellow-runners who will encourage us not to quit.  Ecclesiastes 4:9,10, says, "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down his friend can help him up." Find someone who will be relentless in helping you reach your goal.  I think of Michael Phelps, perhaps the best swimmer of all time.  But if he didn't have his coach Bob Bowman it's unlikely Phelps would have accomplished all he did.

So whatever commitment you made long ago or just recently, remember the hardest part is keeping it. It's a long journey.  As some like to say it's a marathon. But it will be worth it when you look back someday and realize you made it.  Not without some challenges or bumps and bruises but you will have made it.  Good things, great things, lifechanging things and most importantly the things of God will not happen any other way.

Great Marriages Require Significant Investment

The Wall Street Journal recently reported the costs for a typical wedding dropped by 32% during the recent recessionary times. Wow, sounds like the wedding business is in serious trouble right?  Well, consider that the drop means that the average wedding costs plummeted from $28,730 to a mere $19, 581 between 2007 and 2009. I guess we should all be encouraged that in 2012 it went back up to over $25K per wedding.

Now I suppose that if people have the money they should be free to spend whatever they want on their special day and arguments to the contrary are for some others to discuss. What concerns me is that based on the hundreds of couples I've worked with in marriage counseling over the years, very few people are spending that kind of money on their marriage even over years of matrimony.

In other words, too many spouses don't think it necessary to continue to significantly invest in themselves as a married couple. Their money and time soon go only to work, adding to their estate, caring for their children and pursuing individual hobbies and goals.

But like anything of value we must consistently ask ourselves what we're doing to make sure it holds its value.  How and where can we invest in the most significant relationship we have if we're married?

First, invest TIME. We must simply make sure that we have face-to-face time with each other on a regular basis, time that is uninterrupted and unimpeded as much as possible. As circumstances change (for example, children are born) we will have to get more creative with this but it can be done. Plan getaways and other special opportunities for just the two of you. In our marriage we have found it helpful to have a morning, evening or day of the week that is typically just for us.

Second, invest in PLANNING.  I've mentioned this in other posts but when you plan to together you also dream, have fun and get into each others hearts. You find out what is really important to the other person and get a chance to see them live out some things they really enjoy.  On a recent trip to Alaska I even learned that my wife had an even more special interest in photography than I'd know before and that led to getting her a better camera, lenses and other learning tools. It's been fun to watch her enjoy all that.

Third, invest in SERVING others together. Yes, it's time spent but it's also focusing on others. And when we do that we grow ourselves, become deeper people doing things that matter for eternity not just the present.

I'm sure you can think of other ways to invest in each other. The important thing is that you make regular deposits in your relationship. Trust me, the dividends will multiply for years to come, no matter what the economy is looking like!

Giving Up Your Entitlements This New Year

The other day I was watching eager shoppers days after Christmas flooding the stores and malls one more time apparently to either spend their gift cards, return something or find one more deal. It was as though the Christmas rush had never quit.

And of course I can't know what each of those people were doing or thinking. Some may have simply been out trying to enjoy a day with the family. And who doesn't want or need a bargain these days?

But the scene did cause me to wonder how much we think we're entitled to especially in the United States. Do we really think we're entitled to one more gift, the next best whatever or to the stuff our parents or grandparents never had?  And are we going to keep spending lots of time, energy and money to get it all?

Let's face it we live in an entitlement society. And while not all entitlements are necessarily bad such as ones we've actually been promised and earned, many things we enjoy aren't really ours to demand.

Let me suggest a few that perhaps we and our families not only can let go of this year but should release if we want to be healthier and more fulfilled.

Let go of your MORE entitlements. Tell  yourself this year that you don't really need more of anything, at least when it comes to stuff, money, objects and the like. Help your kids learn to say NO and even to give some things away. Make a goal to serve some others with less to help remind you that people can be happy with less.

Let go of the NEW entitlements. This mirrors the first one and makes us want more but we don't always have to have the newest car, computer, TV or other hobby items.

Let go of some of the COMFORT entitlements. Again there is nothing wrong with a massage or manicure or the top of the line hotel room, but do we always have to make our comfort our entitlement?

Let go of some of the entitlements for our KIDS.  Do they always have to do everything, play every sport, be in every activity and have the best teacher?  When will they learn that the world does not revolve around them?

I'm sure you can think of other things that you feel entitled to: being served well, prompt attention, getting your needs met before others.  Make your own list.

But remember that every day we get things, blessings and opportunities that we simply don't deserve from God Himself. Enjoy them, be thankful and leave some gratitude as a major part of your legacy.

Putting Protective Locks on Your Marriage

If you know me or regularly read my posts you know that I travel to Russia a good big.  I was there two weeks ago as a matter of fact. However, I saw something on a recent trip that I'd never seen before. On the Luzhov Bridge over a canal there are these "trees" of locks where newlyweds come a place their own lock on their wedding day.

I don't know all the symbolism behind them but they apparently come expressing their commitment to each other in one more way to each other.  I like that picture and the trees are pretty cool, too.

Perhaps more of us need to think about locks that we should place on our marriage commitment.  Yes, some will immediately think that locking one's marriage means confinement, authority and a lack of freedom but read on because that's not the goal at all.

A lock also implies protection. We put locks on our houses, safes and garages.  We lock our cars with special electrical systems. We lock the things that we care the most about.

So what might locks on a marriage look like. First, I think it means you lock out inappropriate relationships. That means men don't build deep friendships with other women and vice versa. The potential for deeper involvement is high and dangerous.  Intimacy should be reserved for your spouse.

It's also wise to lock out a schedule without margin. Too many couples and families simply have too little time for each other or for spontaneous time to just enjoy one another. We're married to our calendars, our outside activies, work and hobbies. We need moments when we can talk and just enjoy the many things and people in our lives.

We need to also lock in  spiritual growth and training. If we're honest there is more to life than stuff. There is a world around us, made by a Creator who longs to know us, live in us and show us our purpose here. If we're just busy and avoid the spiritual we miss what really makes us alive.

Finally, lock in serving others and not just ourselves. Teaching our kids to serve plus serving with our spouse provides new persepctive about life, what we have and what we don't need. It will help you build memories that will last a lifetime and change you in the process.

So perhaps you and your spouse need to go put a lock somewhere this weeek or weekend. Have a little ceremony reminding each other what you're committed to.  That way if you want to have a great marriage, it will be a lock!

Preparing for Life When The Kids Are Gone

Most parents who have children can't imagine life without them. But unless we die early we are all going to experience the empty nest at some point.  Unfortunately many parents never prepare.

Instead, they spend eighteen or more years living life around their children and work. Children's activities require constant attention, taxiing and expenses. Work of course takes a significant amount of time and energy every week.

Perhaps there's a break for a week or two of vacation. But then the process starts all over again.

But what about mom and dad?  Will they ever learn to spend meaningful, fun and anticipated time together?  In many cases, no. That takes thought, planning and work.

So instead, the last child heads off to college or a family and mom and dad sit across from each other with no clue how to enjoy each other. Or they simply sit in front of the television and plan to die.

There is a better way.

Start living as a couple now. You probably did it for a few months or better yet years before the kids came along. From the time you started dating until that first baby arrived you were most likely great friends who talked, went out together, planned fun times and couldn't wait for the next time.

For some reason we think though that when kids enter the scene all that has to end. Now granted, it's more difficult. But we're making a huge mistake when our children become the center of their and our universe.

Instead we would be far wiser to keep making time together a high priority. You can still date if you work at it. You can still find time away if your plan well. As I've said other place planning is half the fun. In fact, it's not that you can't afford to be together, you can't afford NOT to be together.

Your kids need to see you making each other a priority or they'll do the same when they get married. They need to know they're not the center of the known universe. Life in not all about them.

So start right away. Put time for you as a couple on your calendar. Sure, there are limits and times when it will be harder but when the time comes for your kids to leave you'll be more OK with it and healthier in the process.

Sometimes With Our Kids We Have To Let Go

In three days our hearts are going to break - again. No, there's no divorce or funeral or rejection letter coming that I know of at least. Rather, my daughter, son-in-law and two of our grandsons (almost one and three) will be moving from a home fifteen minutes away to over six hours from us.

The two adult kids that we love and their boys who we watched be born, babysat and played with often will suddenly be in another city that requires a good part of a day to reach.

We won't be able to just get in the car last minute and drop by, invite them over for dinner or take the boys to the mall for an hour or two of fun.

Why the move? Well, Amy and David will be involved in a ministry to college students at Texas Tech. They will be making a difference in the lives of students who need God's direction and involvement in their worlds.  They will be loving on people they way we would want our kids to, they will be doing something that matters for eternity. Who in the world doesn't want to see their children grow up to be world-changers?

To be honest, years ago we did the same thing to our parents and to this day don't live nearby either of our moms who are still living. Yes, they had some years like we did being near us and our children but I'm sure they wanted more. We do too. But there are no guarantees. Sometimes we have to let go so that our offspring can be all that God intended for them to be.

In fact a lot of parents never let go even when the kids are nearby. They expect the same involvement every weekend or holiday, they continue to make decisions for them and even obligate them to stay close through large loans or gifts of money and other resources.

The reality is that our children were merely on loan to us in the first place. And yes we have a right to long for and enjoy those years we do get to be near them. We plan to do as much as we can to be involved in our kids and their kids' lives during the years ahead. But we dare not stand in the way or use guilt or other manipulations to somehow keep everyone together. That's usually more about our getting our own way than about letting our kids fly and blossom wherever God calls them to be.

There are several haunting and poignant verses about this in the Gospels, one of which is found in Matthew 10:37, a portion of which says, Anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. I like to joke that it doesn't include grandsons or granddaughters but that misses the point.

Sometime God may ask us to accept the fact that He may want our kids to go somewhere that is not near us. God may ask them to even go overseas. And our faith and commitment will be stretched like never before. Thankfully, technology is allowing us to connect in ways we didn't even dream about a few years ago. 

Nonetheless, the tears will still come and the lump in the throat may persist for awhile. It won't be the same as having them down the street or in the next community. But it will be worth it and God will honor our sacrifice. Let's not mess up the great things God wants to do in the precious children He gave us by simply refusing to let go of the rope we've had around them all these years.

Remember, God had to let go of His Son for awhile, too.

Good Discipline: Parenting Like You Mean It

We've all had a child or two push us on our expectations, right? Your son should know that he can't be a jerk in public but he makes a scene in the restaurant nonetheless. Your daughter seems like she knows that she just can't wear anything to school but one morning she throws a tantrum demanding she get to put on her favorite outfit when you object.

So what do you do? How do you handle those sudden push backs on your guidelines and authority without using live ammunition to quell the problem?

I'm pretty confident that you actually set the stage for what you will do before these big-time struggles ever happen. How?

First, you keep your word in the little things. You parent like you mean it. No, you don't have to be a tyrant but you do need to follow through even on the small stuff especially when your kids are little. If your kids know you'll stick to your guns about bed time and you do it every night for the most part, then they'll likely better understand that you're going to follow through in the restaurant or before school during the blow-up.

Second, if you're married you keep your word as a team. Kids need to know that mom or dad are not the easy out to the tough decisions that the other parent makes. If mom says it's bedtime and then dad comes in and changes the rule and allows them to stay up, the children begin to figure out the difference in mom and dad and begin to use it to their advantage. Moms and dads must be on the same page when it comes to how you follow through on your disciplinary commitments.

Third, it never hurts to address some of the more major possibilities ahead of time.  I remember telling our kids that we would have a curfew time for when they went out, one that varied depending upon the event, how far away it was, etc. But we also told them that if they didn't show up very close to on time, that we would either be in the car looking for them or on the phone with the police.  Interestingly, one of our kids went well beyond this rule about two weeks after we had that discussion.

They found out very quickly that we meant what we said when they met me on their way home . . . in my car looking for them.

A big percentage of parent/child discipline problems could be resolved if the parents just parented as though they meant it. And the sooner the better.

Celebrating Your Marrige Every Day

Today is our thirty-fifth wedding anniversary!  On the one hand it seems like we've been married forever (we've been married much longer than we were single!).  Other times though we wonder where all those years went.

We have usually enjoyed celebrating  in pretty simple ways each year - a quiet dinner, a weekend away, tickets to a concert. We've never needed a lot of fancy things. We're still wearing the same rings that we put on June 26th, 1976. Jackie is wonderfully creative so I've enjoyed many handmade cards and gifts. She unfortunately is married to a not so handy person so I buy the classic card or small gift punctuated by a song I've written now and then for extra special years.  I can write music, but my presents never equal hers!

We did celebrate twenty-five years with a dream trip to Austria and Switzerland and just returned from an awesome land/cruise to Alaska for thirty-five. At this point in life we're thinking we had better do a few more bigger trips or we're going to run out of time to finish our bucket list.

However, whatever ways you and your spouse choose to celebrate anniversaries I want to challenge you to in a sense celebrate your love every day. No, not with chocolates, roses, trips or concert tickets. But more with little, thoughtful acts of kindness and love that let one another know again and again they are loved and special.

And usually couples sort of develop and negotiate these over time and they differ from marriage to marriage.  For example, we often sit together on the couch with my legs on hers or vice versa. We surprise each other with a treat we know the other person likes. We do something tangible that the other person might not care to do - put gas in the car, iron a shirt, or kill a spider. Those are all little touches of love.

As a pastor I'm busy a lot on weekends but as much as possible I try to sit with Jackie during one of the services unless I'm teaching. (I'm teaching on our anniversary today by the way - what else is new?)  We make one day a week available to each other to just be together, often doing something special, sometimes running errands.  The point is that it's just us and it reminds us of our commitment to each other.

We say "I love you" a lot and speak with respect even when we have conflict. We try never to talk negatively about the other person outside our home. We try not to let irritations simmer.  We say thank you and I appreciate all you do and that sort of thing in everyday moments.

We've been far from perfect all these years but we do know this, marriages hang together for long periods of time when love is expressed is some way most every day.  What little loving habits do you have or could you develop?

You'll have to come up with what works and impacts each other best in your relationship.  But don't merely wait for the big days and the major anniversaries. Yes, plan for those, celebrate and have fun. But share some of your love every day and you'll more likely celebrate more and more of those major milestones together year after year.

Make a New Year's "Revolution" This Year

As I write this post I'm sitting at my sister-in-law's home having enjoyed several days of family time with more to come during the upcoming week. Lately I've been thinking a lot about how blessed I've been to have first lived this many decades and second to have the family I've been enjoyed for so many years.

However, while some of life was beyond my control, I'm thankful that at various turns on my journey people have encouraged me to both stop and evaluate where I've been and to regularly reconsider where I'm going. In fact, there have been several key watershed moments in my life that have radically changed my direction. Life could have been far less meaningful, interesting and impacting without those vital times that helped me gain new perspective.

So as the new year approaches I want to encourage you and/or your spouse to not just make some casual resolutions that you will probably forget about in a week or two. What if this year you thought and prayed about just one major new direction that you will take this year in your marriage, parenting or life in general?

What if you said, "I'm not going to settle for this coming year being just one more year of my life? Instead, I'm going to do something different, something more lifechanging that will make a difference in the life of someone and matter more for eternity."

Maybe it will involve the fulfillment of a personal dream. Dreams are often those things that would best use our skills and resources anyway while breathing new life into our everyday world. Perhaps you could serve others in a new or fresh way through sharing your time and talents in the community, your church or city. Maybe there is a project that needs your specific skill set and passion where hundreds, even thousands of people would be changed as a result. The possibilities are endless.

You see most of us tend to get into some ruts that are comfortable in many ways but that have stymied our personal and family growth. It's hard to find a new way to look at life and your future when all you can see are the walls of the long bunker you've lived in for a long time.

Our marriages and families could find new energy and excitement if we'll just take time to ponder how our direction might change and our purposes could be fulfilled.

So where do we begin? Well, you might start by simply answering these questions: What have I always wanted to do that I've never done before? (You know, develop a Bucket List!).

Second, what passions and talents do I have that could be used to help someone else?

Third, has anything - a cause, need or person - been gnawing away at me lately and occupied a lot of my thinking?

Some careful thinking, pondering and praying with a spouse, friend and even older children could help give you a whole new direction and turn your former resolutions into a life revolution. Whatever you do, start somewhere! Don't let this next year just be another 365 days of the same. God made you and me to be difference makers so dare to be different. You won't regret your decision, I promise.

Making It 30 Years and Beyond - Time Together

Yesterday was our thirty-third anniversary. Periodically, I'll joke with Jackie and say something like, "And they've been thirty of the happiest years of my life." And she'll typically respond with, "And which three years weren't happy?"

Of course, there really weren't three miserable years although I know that's not true for everyone. But there have been hard times, bad days and moments when marriage wasn't so much fun. We're far from perfect and I certainly got the better part of the deal on June 26, 1976. I married way above my pay grade!

But as I look back on more than three decades of marriage and the fact that we've been married longer than we were single, I can't help but reflect on some of the things that have helped us stay married this long. And yes, we're all different, so how you live out these principles and practical helps will likely differ from us. However, as you read the next several posts see if any of them might be helpful in keeping your marriage going "until death do us part."

First, we have made time for us a priority. Even before we had children we had dates, regular lunches together, and activities that we both enjoyed. Over the years we've had to take time to discover some new things we would both enjoy or one of us had to learn a little more about the other's areas of interest. Nonetheless, the effort was worth it.

The good thing is that both husband and wife do not have to enjoy a particular activity to the same degree to spend time at it with each other. For example, I love the mountains and have since I was a kid. But as my kids got older I committed to climb some 14ers (14,000 foot peaks) with them and as a result have done several with both Amy and Tim individually and one with them together just a few years ago.

Jackie, however, wasn't too interested in summitting bigger mountains but she's learned to love to hike. Interestingly, she actually did climb a 14er a few years ago and I'm very proud of her for that. But most of the time, even here in the hill country of Texas, she and I just enjoy hiking, some of it challenging, some of it not. We do that together on a regular basis. So while, yes, at times we enjoy the mountains in different ways according to our interests and abilities, we can also enjoy part of the experience together.

We've had a regular day of the week during all of my ministry years that was just ours because ministry involves weekend time so much. And we had this while our kids were in the house as well. When they were little and we didn't have a lot of money (we still don't have a lot!) we would trade Saturday mornings with another couple so every other Saturday we could have time to ourselves while they watched our kids and vice versa.

Finding time together is possible and the sooner you start that practice the better. Yes, there will be seasons when having couple time will be harder than others. But don't let those times allow your time together habit to simply vanish. Fight for it, model it to your children, cherish it. Time together allows you to talk, to share your struggles, to appreciate each other and to grow emotionally, spiritually and mentally.

And when your children are grown and out of the house as ours are now, you will hit the ground running and enjoy being together even more.

More tips next time.