Three Key Non-negotiables In A Healthy Marriage

Every marriage, every relationship has its uniquenesses. Some spouses are more active or outgoing than others. Some have no kids, others a couple, some a large brood. Some husbands and wives love the outdoors, sports or travel. Others can be happy at home, enjoying local family and not being too busy.

Those special differences make the world better and life rich. Each couple ought to enjoy the image in which it is made.

However, there are a handful of qualities in good marriages that need to flourish in every couple's portfolio if they're going to succeed and stay married 'til death do them part.

Let me suggest three.

They make quality, meaningful, interactive time for each other. This is time that is focused on them, not the kids or other family, not work or individual hobbies and not television or other entertainment simply done together.

Some of these times will be very informal, while others may be more serious. Leisure, fun and even errands can be done during these times but the key is that they emphasize being together. There are few distractions from other people, responsibilities or dissimilar interests.

They speak to each other (and yes even argue) with respect, kindness and avoiding contempt. Marriages that last are known not for sweet and syrupy conversation all the time, but rather a basic tone of voice and use of language that is never mean, disrespectful or unnecessarily hurtful.

Couples avoid demanding, derogatory name calling and shaming one another. They speak in the here and now without bringing up past mistakes to gain advantage or control. They also build each other up both in private and in front of others, never using humor or berating of the other with friends, family or acquaintances.

In fact couples would be wise to get some counseling or other practical help on how to communicate with one another more effectively. Check out my marriage videos at Marriage Videos.

They regularly talk about how they are doing as a married couple. In other words, they aren't afraid of evaluation. We usually take a mini-retreat every year to do just that. We have fun, go somewhere we both would enjoy (need not be expensive) and talk about both the past year and the one ahead of us. We actually take time at the end to pray over our goals and ideas.

You can do this any way that works for you but give it a try.

Of course there are more important keys to a great, effective, intimate marriage. But why not start with these three and see how you're doing? It's worth investing in one of the most important relationships you have and will ever have!

Putting Protective Locks on Your Marriage

If you know me or regularly read my posts you know that I travel to Russia a good big.  I was there two weeks ago as a matter of fact. However, I saw something on a recent trip that I'd never seen before. On the Luzhov Bridge over a canal there are these "trees" of locks where newlyweds come a place their own lock on their wedding day.

I don't know all the symbolism behind them but they apparently come expressing their commitment to each other in one more way to each other.  I like that picture and the trees are pretty cool, too.

Perhaps more of us need to think about locks that we should place on our marriage commitment.  Yes, some will immediately think that locking one's marriage means confinement, authority and a lack of freedom but read on because that's not the goal at all.

A lock also implies protection. We put locks on our houses, safes and garages.  We lock our cars with special electrical systems. We lock the things that we care the most about.

So what might locks on a marriage look like. First, I think it means you lock out inappropriate relationships. That means men don't build deep friendships with other women and vice versa. The potential for deeper involvement is high and dangerous.  Intimacy should be reserved for your spouse.

It's also wise to lock out a schedule without margin. Too many couples and families simply have too little time for each other or for spontaneous time to just enjoy one another. We're married to our calendars, our outside activies, work and hobbies. We need moments when we can talk and just enjoy the many things and people in our lives.

We need to also lock in  spiritual growth and training. If we're honest there is more to life than stuff. There is a world around us, made by a Creator who longs to know us, live in us and show us our purpose here. If we're just busy and avoid the spiritual we miss what really makes us alive.

Finally, lock in serving others and not just ourselves. Teaching our kids to serve plus serving with our spouse provides new persepctive about life, what we have and what we don't need. It will help you build memories that will last a lifetime and change you in the process.

So perhaps you and your spouse need to go put a lock somewhere this weeek or weekend. Have a little ceremony reminding each other what you're committed to.  That way if you want to have a great marriage, it will be a lock!

Sometimes We Need to Just Stop and Breathe Again

Being married and being a parent have at least one thing in common. They are often hard. Life with a spouse or a child or two can become overwhelming even in the best of circumstances.

And sometimes when we're struggling we make things worse because of our tenseness, anxiety and frustration.

I was recently getting some physical therapy for my neck and back. My therapist, while a very nice guy, was at times ruthless, inflicting what he deemed necessary pain to stretch my muscles and tear away some of the congestion under the skin which none of us could see.

However, he would often say when he could see me grimace or hear me moan, "Just keep breathing. Take nice big breaths. The oxygen is important right now." You see as things got tense I tended to hold my breath trying to just gut it out. And while apparently others do that, too, it wasn't helpful.

In the same way when life is a challenge we can tend to just gut it out, push through and even run over others to deal with the pain. We yell at our loved ones, we push harder to succeed and we take less time off to relax and reboot. And that usually results in someone getting hurt.

If your marriage or parenting or work is causing you to be tense all the time and hurt those close to you maybe you need to stop and catch your breath, keep breathing and even sigh.  How?

First, slow down. Be sure you have a break in your day. Turn off the phone, put your computer away and silence the TV. Take a few minutes and talk to your spouse or just sit alone and think.

Second, do something that gives you more perspective. Read a book, talk to a friend, get counseling or pray. You're probably tense because you're looking myopically at your situation and there is probably some good news and helpful advice out there somewhere.

Third, make a fundamental change in your schedule. What are you doing that someone else could do? What are you doing that you simply don't need to continue? Where can you build in some regular "breathing," relaxing and recharging.  What hobby would you love to do again that has gone by the wayside.

Remember, you won't be able to handle the pain unless you keep breathing.

Marital Conflict: How To Fight Fairly

All couples fight or at least disagree. However, not all couples do it well. Sadly, some marriages have ended not because they weren't in love, but because they did so much damage when they weren't feeling very loving. Their words, expressions, and responses all spoke more to their winning their own personal battle than trying to understand the other person.

Other had terrible models in their home growing up. The only things they know to do are yell, scream and demand their own way. 

So how do we fight and face conflict more effectively?  Most of these principles are common knowledge and often taught by counselors but my experience is that most couples, especially those in trouble, don't have a clue about them. Or if they have heard them they simply don't use them.

First, speak only in the here and now. It's not fair nor helpful to bring up the past or predict the future. We do that when we tie the current struggle to a past action or attitude. When we use always and you never we immediately move our discussion out of the current situation.

To speak in the here and now you talk only about your feelings and needs related to the problem at hand, nothing else. "I'm angry and confused because this morning you said we were not going to go away during the holidays and tonight you want to change everything."

However, what would an unfair fight sound like in the same setting? "Don, this is what you always do. You say one thing and do another. I can never count on knowing what's in your head because you'll change your mind on a dime and I'm sick of it!"

Second, listen and seek to understand. So often the deepest need both partners have is first to be understood. In fact sometimes understanding is the only thing needed. Try to find out both the other person's real feelings and what they need from you that would help them feel less that way next time. Don't either of you be satisfied until you feel like you've accomplished both for each other.

Third, determine a first step that you will take to make things better. A lot of spouses get frustrated because even if something is talked about often the other person never does it. Showing your mate that you are actually going to make changes and vice versa will help you want to go through the process again.  It gets results!

So next time you feel the heat rising and tempers getting ready to blow, try some here and now listening and discussion followed by some actual changes. Quit the posturing and demanding that you win the argument.  Remember that awhile back you stood before God and some people and vowed to love each other through the good and the bad. Now is your chance to really put that into practice.

The Five Greatest Marriage Killers

Marriages are being assaulted! I don't know of anyone who doesn't know at least one close friend, relative, neighbor or coworker whose marriage isn't struggling big time, on the verge of divorce or impacted by an affair. And I realize that one, marriage is never easy and two, there are lots of factors that complicate people's marriage stories and any attempts to fix them.

Nonetheless, I want to also be sure that couples are aware of several things that may be overlooked when they think there is little or no hope of salvaging their relationship. These five perspectives or attitudes can often keep people from actually turning their marriage around if they'll only understand what's really true.

First, thinking that your spouse must meet your needs. The truth is no spouse can ever be enough for the other person. Yes, we can and must do all we can to learn to love and respect each other, but it will still never be enough.  Only God can fulfill our deepest longings.  See Psalm 42 for example.

Second, thinking that your worth is on the line. Many couple's disagreements turn into wars because they cross a line when they believe that they now must win a battle about their personhood.  Deep within they believe that if they aren't right, aren't seen in a positive light or whatever that they will somehow decrease in value and matter less.  Nothing could be further from the truth. Our worth is totally dependent upon our relationship with God and once we are a child of God in Christ five things are always true in any circumstance.

We matter, we have purpose, we are children of God, we are loved and we are forgiven.  No circumstance or comment will ever change that.  See earlier posts on self-worth for more details.

Third, thinking that your spouse must change for you to have a great marriage.  Yes, there are things that must be changed in some circumstances that either spouse must not just let slide - abuse, bringing danger into the home, threatening suicide and the like. But certain characteristics and uniquenesses, even if they are hard for us at times, do not have to become our personal mission to transform.  Yes, talk about them, compromise if need be, but also learn to love your spouse for who she or he is. Sometimes their irksome habit or style is a healthy balance to one of yours.

Fourth, thinking that your problems are too big for God to overcome. The Bible says in Jeremiah that nothing is too difficult for God and that includes healing the hurts and diseases in our marriage.  Have you really given your marriage to God, have you brought your story together to God in prayer, have you gotten others involved to both provide godly counsel and extra prayer? 

Fifth, thinking that splitting up will necessarily be better, easier or more enjoyable.  Yes, there are circumstances where a permanent break is simply inevitable.  But don't quit just because you want to escape the pain and believe that everything will be so much better later.

When you run into problems give God, yourself and your spouse every chance to make it first.  There just might be a miracle around the corner that God is ready and willing to do in you to save your marriage and keep you from just becoming another sad story.