Putting Protective Locks on Your Marriage

If you know me or regularly read my posts you know that I travel to Russia a good big.  I was there two weeks ago as a matter of fact. However, I saw something on a recent trip that I'd never seen before. On the Luzhov Bridge over a canal there are these "trees" of locks where newlyweds come a place their own lock on their wedding day.

I don't know all the symbolism behind them but they apparently come expressing their commitment to each other in one more way to each other.  I like that picture and the trees are pretty cool, too.

Perhaps more of us need to think about locks that we should place on our marriage commitment.  Yes, some will immediately think that locking one's marriage means confinement, authority and a lack of freedom but read on because that's not the goal at all.

A lock also implies protection. We put locks on our houses, safes and garages.  We lock our cars with special electrical systems. We lock the things that we care the most about.

So what might locks on a marriage look like. First, I think it means you lock out inappropriate relationships. That means men don't build deep friendships with other women and vice versa. The potential for deeper involvement is high and dangerous.  Intimacy should be reserved for your spouse.

It's also wise to lock out a schedule without margin. Too many couples and families simply have too little time for each other or for spontaneous time to just enjoy one another. We're married to our calendars, our outside activies, work and hobbies. We need moments when we can talk and just enjoy the many things and people in our lives.

We need to also lock in  spiritual growth and training. If we're honest there is more to life than stuff. There is a world around us, made by a Creator who longs to know us, live in us and show us our purpose here. If we're just busy and avoid the spiritual we miss what really makes us alive.

Finally, lock in serving others and not just ourselves. Teaching our kids to serve plus serving with our spouse provides new persepctive about life, what we have and what we don't need. It will help you build memories that will last a lifetime and change you in the process.

So perhaps you and your spouse need to go put a lock somewhere this weeek or weekend. Have a little ceremony reminding each other what you're committed to.  That way if you want to have a great marriage, it will be a lock!

"The Third Component of Marital Intimacy"

"Last night Bob and Cheryl were intimate." When you read that statement what do you think it refers to? Of course, most people would suggest that it means they had sex. Who wouldn't? But why is it we don't consider the possibility that they had a deep discussion or were praying together?

Because we've been programmed to think that intimacy is only physical. But instead sex is only one component of total intimacy in a marriage. It's an important component, something beautiful that God invented, but it's still only a portion of the true intimacy I've tried to describe in the last several posts.

Nonetheless, let me talk about some practical ways to enhance physical intimacy in a marriage. First of all, become more intimate in soul and spirit. You'll have to go back a post or two to get my practical thoughts on the first two. However, let me simply say for now that you'll grow your sexual relationship with your spouse if you'll grow together in your soul and spirit.

God made these three elements of intimacy to work together not separately. When I work with couples and they have sexual issues I'm pretty sure that there isn't anything wrong with them physically. Of course it's always important to make sure the physical checks out. See your doctor to make sure.

But most likely there isn't a physical problem. It's typically a soul and spirit problem. Couples wonder why their romance has waned and often it's because they've become more distant personally. They rarely talk about meaningful things and most likely their spiritual enthusiasm is gone as well.

However, when two people begin to get closer together emotionally they want to be together more physically. That's why people of the opposite sex who aren't married have to be careful that they don't connect emotionally on a very deep level. It can draw them together in other inappropriate ways.

Second, keep romance interesting and creative. It will take some time but plan times away, try some new things and get out of old and tired habits. There are excellent and tasteful books out there that can give you fun ideas for dates and getaways. Write each other a love letter, go on a special date now and then and attend a marriage conference that will breathe some new life into your relationship.

Third, monitor your lifestyle. Fatigue, burnout and busyness are pretty ruthless killers of physical intimacy. It just becomes too much work to try anymore. In fact fatigue can wipe out many components of a healthy marriage such as communication so do some evaluation now and figure out to give yourselves some margin. Try turning off the TV more too.

Fourth, talk about it. Yes, talk about your intimacy, lack of it, or ways to improve. Be gracious, not condemning. Be honest, but sensitive. Express your desires, but don't be demanding.

The book of Song of Solomon seems to suggest that God invented sex and thinks it's pretty special. So let's give our physical relationships with our spouse that same kind of intention and attention. If we do, then along with spirit and soul intimacy, we'll enjoy the perfect triad of marital intimacy.

Being a TEAM In Your Marriage

The other night in the National League playoffs the left fielder dropped a line drive that ultimately cost them the game. While I'm sure his fellow players were disappointed and perhaps one or two of them saw him as the goat, most of them encouraged him as he came off the field. I think they realized a couple of things: first, they could have had the same thing happen to them; and second, they are all a team. They win together and they lose together.

I've counseled with lots of married couples over the years. And there's one thing (among several) that I notice seems to be common among those who are seriously struggling. They've lost the sense that they are still on the same team. Instead of seeking the other's success, of working together to overcome their challenges and celebrating both their victories and agonizing over their losses, they have become enemies of sorts.

Discussions or arguments become wars over who's the smartest, who made the best decision or who is going to get their way. There's little encouragement when someone does something well and every mistake is highlighted to make the other person look bad. Even their children start hearing things like, "We can't bother daddy because he doesn't handle pressure very well," or "Let's not do anything to upset mommy - you know how she is."

Marriage is a lot of things: the joining of two spirits and souls, a commitment before God to love and respect one another and the joining into one flesh. But marriage also implies that we are teammates. Teammates accept that each brings different talents to the organization, encourage one another to develop their skills and applaud the successes of the other. Teammates watch each other's backs and pick each other up when they fall.

In fact let me use TEAM as an acrostic for four things teammates in marriage need to do or embrace in their thinking. T stands for together. Teammates in a marriage think together about everything. Everything you own, succeed in and decide to do must be a together decision. That doesn't mean you can't have individual activities and passions or have time to yourself or with others. But in the big picture your relationship is a together thing before it's an individual one.

For example, we've never had Gary's money and Jackie's money. All that we have, no matter who makes it, is ours, not his or hers. When we've made a move it was first a together decision, not the rest of the family simply following dad or mom. When we were thinking about how to discipline our children, we accepted that we must work together and be on the same page in how to do it.

The E stands for expect the best. So often marriages have had trust broken and yes that trust may need to be re-gained when there's been a major breach in it. However, some marriages simply devolve to the point where one or both partners now assume the worst about any action the other takes.

Last year my wife accidentally locked me out on the balcony of our condo for four hours in the rising heat of a Texas morning. It was tempting to be furious at her (and I admit I had some challenging moments while waiting to get back in when she returned) but I have learned to know and expect better. I knew that she would be devastated, not gleeful, and I was right. We can laugh about it now and she even let me use it later as a message illustration. But it would have been a mistake to add that to some sort of list to hold against her.

A stands for admit your own mistakes. True teammates know that others will goof up somewhere along the line. But when that happens they do what they can to pick each other up not beat each other down. Now granted there are many times when in marriage we need to work through differences of opinions, hurt feelings and actions that need to be changed. But we have to do all that with humility, not arrogance. We must remember that we, too, are capable of locking the other on the porch or whatever.

And the M stands for make the most of every moment. It's easy to spend a lot of our time and energy wishing things were different than they are only to miss out on the joys and blessings that are available to us right now. Teammates find every opportunity they can to celebrate what's currently happening while looking forward to the possibilities that are ahead. Can you imagine if professional baseball players never had fun or celebrated each other's accomplishments until the playoffs?

If your marriage has hit some rough spots or if you'd like to give it a boost, ask yourself what you're doing to help be a teammate instead of an opponent to your spouse. Take some time to talk together about what being a team might be like for the two of you. If you do, you'll have a better chance of being a winner in the challenge of being married and you'll stay that way for a long time!