The power of WE in a marriage

Every time I perform a wedding ceremony I am reminded on that day that this young couple is crossing a line that they can never cross back over.

They are letting go of their single, self-focused lifestyle, habits and preferences to every day blend who they are with another person who is likely quite different. No longer are their finances or time or ways of doing things solely their own.

When they say "I do" and recite their vows they are essentially giving up some of their individuality to be replaced with living in the WE.  Yes, they still remain people with their own personalities, interests and styles. Those things can brings a richness and flavor to the life of the other and vice versa.

But as many couples do not understand, it's not you or me anymore, it's WE.  We now have money, a house, children, hopes and dreams together. When our views on those things differ or conflict, WE have to work them out.  When we dream about a personal interest or goal WE still have to think it through together. We now must learn to hear and understand the dreams of the other before we simply go off to do our own.

I talk to couples all the time who think of their money, work, time and leisure in terms of MY instead of US.  That kind of thinking will devastate a marriage.

So what are some common habits and actions of couples who think in terms of WE:

1. They talk about their decisions together before they make them. They treat one another with respect by asking each other's opinions, considering the consequences on the other of any action or choice and are willing to back down when the other person shares a good reason for not doing something.

2. They do things together all the time. No, not exclusively. There is lots of room for invididual time and interests. But they refuse to live as though they are just two nice people living under the same roof.

3. They don't act possessive about anything. They believe that "what's yours is mine and what is mine is yours."  There is simply no hoarding or guarding of one's stuff. It just doesn't matter.

4. They don't have secrets about their money, possessions or purchases. Everything is done and bought with the blessing and oversight of the other. One may have the permission and blessing to buy certain things on a regular basis but that decision is also made together.

So what's the atmosphere like in your home? Is it a place of WE or ME.  Aim high in your marriage and make it a place where WE is celebrated. It's the best way.

Who Did We Miss Today?

"Rebecca Wells, a compliance auditor and USC graduate, died in her cubicle Friday, but no one noticed her body for an entire day. The LA County employee was eventually noticed by a security guard on Saturday afternoon. Her body was found slumped over her desk, according to reports."

That news story ran just the other day. A fifty-one year old woman passed away at work and no one saw her struggle, take her last breath or lay there alone. And of course we don't know the circumstances and perhaps this was just a quirky situation that no one could have helped.

But unfortunately, there are people dying all around us every day.  No, not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Their marriage is tanking, kids are hurting, job is gone, they feel like no one cares, and their personhood has taken all sorts of hits that make them feel worthless. In addition, many of them have no understanding that God loves them, cares about them and wants to give them life, real life.


I remember one of my grad school teachers and respected author Larry Crabb telling us to remember that, People are hurting more deeply than we know.  And yes, we're often surprised by the ones right around us - coworkers, church attenders, leaders and even family members who all of a sudden expose some deep wound that we never knew about.


And we can never know people's thoughts and emotions that they aren't willing to share but we can at least open the door to being a caring, loving friend, spouse or parent who might be the help they need.  How?


First, listen beneath the words.  You don't have to be a therapist to do this.  Just listen for generic statements that may send a deeper message.  A potential exchange:   "How are you today?"  "Oh, fine."  "Just fine?"


Now don't be a pain on this one.  If they say, "Yes, just fine," then let it go. But sometimes people will let you in to talk more and will welcome your concern.  Spouses and parents would be wise to practice this and do it well and often.


Second, build relationships that welcome openness.  My boss regularly asks me, "How's your heart?" And I know he means it and really wants to know.  I also know I can trust him.  That kind of relationship takes time but he doesn't have to work really hard to hear about when I'm struggling.  This should come naturally for spouses and parents but often we don't go here with each other. Start early and respond lovingly no matter what you hear and you will be surprised at the results.


Third, model openness.  When my boss and I share I also feel comfortable telling him things because I've seen his heart, too. He models authenticity.  We must do the same with others especially in our homes.  But instead home can become a place where we keep stockpiling all sorts of things we never talk about: disappointments, failures, being sad, and the like. Instead make your home a place where it's safe to mess up, make a mistake and be hurting inside.


Who might be dying in your world or home today?  Get next to them, speak to them words of life and offer them a listening ear that just might be the resuscitation they needed to stay alive and healthy.

Being a TEAM In Your Marriage

The other night in the National League playoffs the left fielder dropped a line drive that ultimately cost them the game. While I'm sure his fellow players were disappointed and perhaps one or two of them saw him as the goat, most of them encouraged him as he came off the field. I think they realized a couple of things: first, they could have had the same thing happen to them; and second, they are all a team. They win together and they lose together.

I've counseled with lots of married couples over the years. And there's one thing (among several) that I notice seems to be common among those who are seriously struggling. They've lost the sense that they are still on the same team. Instead of seeking the other's success, of working together to overcome their challenges and celebrating both their victories and agonizing over their losses, they have become enemies of sorts.

Discussions or arguments become wars over who's the smartest, who made the best decision or who is going to get their way. There's little encouragement when someone does something well and every mistake is highlighted to make the other person look bad. Even their children start hearing things like, "We can't bother daddy because he doesn't handle pressure very well," or "Let's not do anything to upset mommy - you know how she is."

Marriage is a lot of things: the joining of two spirits and souls, a commitment before God to love and respect one another and the joining into one flesh. But marriage also implies that we are teammates. Teammates accept that each brings different talents to the organization, encourage one another to develop their skills and applaud the successes of the other. Teammates watch each other's backs and pick each other up when they fall.

In fact let me use TEAM as an acrostic for four things teammates in marriage need to do or embrace in their thinking. T stands for together. Teammates in a marriage think together about everything. Everything you own, succeed in and decide to do must be a together decision. That doesn't mean you can't have individual activities and passions or have time to yourself or with others. But in the big picture your relationship is a together thing before it's an individual one.

For example, we've never had Gary's money and Jackie's money. All that we have, no matter who makes it, is ours, not his or hers. When we've made a move it was first a together decision, not the rest of the family simply following dad or mom. When we were thinking about how to discipline our children, we accepted that we must work together and be on the same page in how to do it.

The E stands for expect the best. So often marriages have had trust broken and yes that trust may need to be re-gained when there's been a major breach in it. However, some marriages simply devolve to the point where one or both partners now assume the worst about any action the other takes.

Last year my wife accidentally locked me out on the balcony of our condo for four hours in the rising heat of a Texas morning. It was tempting to be furious at her (and I admit I had some challenging moments while waiting to get back in when she returned) but I have learned to know and expect better. I knew that she would be devastated, not gleeful, and I was right. We can laugh about it now and she even let me use it later as a message illustration. But it would have been a mistake to add that to some sort of list to hold against her.

A stands for admit your own mistakes. True teammates know that others will goof up somewhere along the line. But when that happens they do what they can to pick each other up not beat each other down. Now granted there are many times when in marriage we need to work through differences of opinions, hurt feelings and actions that need to be changed. But we have to do all that with humility, not arrogance. We must remember that we, too, are capable of locking the other on the porch or whatever.

And the M stands for make the most of every moment. It's easy to spend a lot of our time and energy wishing things were different than they are only to miss out on the joys and blessings that are available to us right now. Teammates find every opportunity they can to celebrate what's currently happening while looking forward to the possibilities that are ahead. Can you imagine if professional baseball players never had fun or celebrated each other's accomplishments until the playoffs?

If your marriage has hit some rough spots or if you'd like to give it a boost, ask yourself what you're doing to help be a teammate instead of an opponent to your spouse. Take some time to talk together about what being a team might be like for the two of you. If you do, you'll have a better chance of being a winner in the challenge of being married and you'll stay that way for a long time!