Your Family And The Supreme Court Decision

It's been a few weeks now since the Supreme Court's landmark decision on same-sex marriages. Thousands of editorials and articles have been written, pro and con, and it seems like emotions have for now at least settled down somewhat.

Nonetheless, impassioned cries have come for pastors and churches to do everything from rise up as a mighty army to fight the decision and its implications to be more tolerant and accepting even though one may be opposed.

Those discussions and actions will continue for a long time I suspect.

But a question for families might be the more practical one to consider: what should Christian parents do and say to their kids about it?  Or should we just not talk about it? How do we prepare our families for the likely discussions they will encounter at work, in school or college this fall? How can we share what we believe to be God's truth while helping one another to respond to others in a Christlike fashion?

Let me suggest a couple ideas that could help.

First, if you're married work on your own marriage. Yes, boldly model what it means to have a healthy, growing, even thriving relationship in your house. Don't settle for OK. Show your kids how the two of you work at spending time together, having a vision for your long-term relationship and truly loving each other. So many kids today see mom and dad mostly as their taxi drivers and providers. Their parents have or experience little time for and with each other.

My hunch is that some of the most vocal Christians will be ones who spend little time, if any, improving and deepening their own marriage. We'll accomplish far more if we can make a case for and model a healthy heterosexual marriage.

Second, make sure you know the facts on the decision. Talk, yes, about what was decided but try to avoid all sorts of implications that we simply do not know will happen at this point. It's tempting to bemoan the possible changes in our culture, church or future decisions merely getting everyone worried rather than focusing on the present. There have already been numerous internet hoaxes of apparent actions taken as a result of the Supreme Court's decision. And of course, people jumped all over those, posted them to Facebook or Twitter and looked bad as a result.

Let's help our own families to learn the important lesson of getting the details first on anything before we assume the worst or some significant outcome.

Third, teach one another about speaking the truth in love and with grace.  As I've written elsewhere we can do our part to stand for the truth without becoming people others can't stand. Let's remind each other that we all make mistakes, that none of deserves God's grace and that there are sins that we all commit that also need forgiveness, love and someone to not reject us because of them.

What are our kids hearing come out of our mouths on this issue? What spirit do they sense behind our disagreement - bitterness, contempt and disdain or mercy, compassion and kindness?

Fourth, help one another with some cogent, respectable and meaningful replies to those who would espouse same-sex marriage. Learn to respond without anger or a demeaning spirit. Practice ways to invite an ongoing discussion and friendship, if possible, in spite of the fact that you disagree. Learn what Scripture says and doesn't say.  Because we love someone doesn't mean we must agree with them. Jesus loved a lot of people like that so we can too.

Don't Miss The Fine Print of Family Life

We closed on our Austin condo this week. We went through more challenges than we expected but we're thankful that its sale is finally behind us. However, to complete the process a notary had to be sent to our Illinois home to oversee our signing of the paperwork on our end.

Pretty soon we found ourselves putting our signature on document after document, only some of which I actually read. Frankly, I didn't read much of the small print. I probably should have examined every word though I'm pretty sure I got the gist of things and there's nothing I signed that could harm us later.

However, I wonder if a lot of spouses and parents miss the fine print about what they sign off on at home, forgetting the impact their choices and actions may have on their family.

For example, the fine print for families reads, If you don't build relationships it doesn't matter how much you have. 

Or other forms say something like, Your marriage will never work if you don't work at it yourself.

How about this one . . . . have you read it?  Your kids are not the center of the universe but it's easy to start sending the message that they are. Beware.

Here's another you don't want to miss:  If you run at high speed all the time and never slow down your family may self-destruct.

Or . . . You are signing up for a lifetime relationship with your spouse. This marriage is not supposed to have an expiration date.

One more for now . . . Children are people with feelings, potential, uniqueness and intellect. Treat them as human beings even when you are mad.

Yes, when it comes to families the small print matters. Take some time this week to read it all. The little things count too.

Home Ain't Your House

My mom is moving this week from her home of fifty-eight years! Who lives that long anywhere anymore these days?  I know she, my sister and I all have lots of great and no-so-great memories of that place and we will until we die. I'm sure there will be some tears shed as we drive her out of the driveway for the last time.

But I've been reminded as we've done a good bit of cleaning out the last couple of years that our home was never really the bricks and mortal or lawn or the linoleum in the basement. That was merely a part of the "tent" of sorts for a family, a group of people who loved each other and helped each other to be who God intended them to be.

The day we sign the papers and it's officially gone will not be the end of our family. It will just mean that the last person in the family, my mom, has moved out.

I wonder how many of us, if we're honest, put a lot more stock in the buildings we live in than we should. We often spend an exorbitant amount to buy our house, then spend thousands more each year to keep it up or improve it. Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing immoral about a house. We're blessed to have so many in this country, something different from so many other countries.

But we do need to be careful that we care more about hanging on to our family than our actual house.

How do we keep it all in perspective?  Well there's no magic way but consider trying a few of these things:

Think about downsizing or at least throwing a lot away.  Do you really have too much?  Could some of it be given away or could the money be better spent elsewhere?

Be intentional about doing more with less. Don't buy as many of everyday things, settle for only one of most things, make things do a little longer and let them wear out. You won't get as attached to all of that stuff.

Share your house more. Let it become other people's home, too, in a sense through sharing it often.  When's the last time you had people over on a regular basis?  Is there someone in need who would love a place to hang out a bit more often with some really great people?

Dedicate your home again to the Lord. Tell him you remember that it was never yours in the first place.  Have your pastor or small group or other friend come and pray over it with you and write down the date.

Because you see one of these days you will have to leave.  Maybe not fifty-eight years from now, but you will leave. Remembering it's not yours will help you let it go.

Don't Live LIfe With Tinted Windows

I live in Austin, Texas where the summer high averages in the mid to upper 90's. That means a lot of days can be well over 100. So like a lot of people who live in the south our cars are all air-conditioned, the stores keep the temperatures very cool and most of the car windows are significantly tinted to help maximize the cooling.

However, I've noticed something about tinted windows in automobiles. It makes it hard to see who is in someone's car. I remember not that long ago being able to wave to people I knew in parking lots and neighborhoods. But now the tinted windows keep me from knowing who is in that vehicle. I'm sure some people wonder why I don't wave when I'm only a few feet away.

Unfortunately, it's easy for us to live life as though we have tinted windows on us!  We can act like we really don't want people to see who we are, notice our faults and get into our challenging world. We'd much of the time just rather keep things nice, safe and to ourselves.

However, there are problems with living that way. Let me suggest a few.

First, we miss out on true intimacy and friendship with others. If we never bare our souls then we never enjoy the care, love and compassion another might show us. We keep things bottled up and it only raises our anxiety causing us to miss out on the understanding of another that we deeply long for inside.

Second, people miss out on seeing the real us. Instead they just get a facade. We may try to present ourselves as always together and happy but we know better. And frankly, others close to us really want to the real us, not the pretend one. In fact, all of us love to know that someone is struggling with many of the same things we are.

Third, we miss out on some of the growth that occurs in us when we're honest and open about our faults, limping and struggle. When we hide our stuff we don't give others the chance to help us get better, to see our blind spots and to take our skills and abilities to the next level.  God sees us as we are and He still loves us. Let others do the same.

So while sometimes we do need to protect ourselves in relationships, don't stay isolated. Let some people see into your life. They can help make you better, stronger and healthier. And when you do open yourself up you will probably help others. They probably need you too!

When Those You Love Push Your Buttons

We all have them. Those little invisible spots that our spouse or kids hit with a word, look, action or remark that sets us off, right? They get pushed when we're in some of our best and worst moments. It happens in private and in public. And sometimes we can't help but respond with mega-emotion: anger, tears, panic despair.

And we know the buttons that others have as well. And we can push theirs especially when we feel threatened.

I rather doubt that button-pushing in families, friendships and acquaintances will ever stop but I do have a couple of  strategies and concepts that may lower the feelings-meter a bit.

Unhook the buttons that are tied to your worth. For example, when your spouse says something and your first response is that he or she "thinks I'm a loser," or is "making me look stupid right now."  Really?  Maybe they are making you look a little weak, maybe not. In most cases they probably aren't but we think what they just said is going to ruin us as a person. So what do we do?

Well, we explode or argue or demean or just leave. But we rarely have a helpful or meaningful conversation or response right then.

Or a child does something - again - that we've asked them a hundred times to do or not do.  And immediately instead of responding in a firm, loving and healthy way to deal with it, we feel like a terrible parent or that our parenting is at least threatened. I've talked about this in other posts but in a nutshell our worth is not dependent upon how others see us. It's that simple. God loves us, thinks we matter and have purpose, is our Father and forgives no matter what. That's where our worth lies.

Second, learn to respond differently as a result. If that button doesn't mean what it used to, if you no longer will allow that button to infuriate or paralyze you, you will respond in a new way. But it will take practice.  You will learn, however, that it's OK to say, "You know, we're going to have to disagree on that but that's alright."  Or, "I'm sorry we don't see things the same way, but I still need to do what I've chosen."

With a child you might say, "I know this isn't your first choice, but there are only two choices I'm giving you. Which of those are you going to do right now?"  With your spouse or a friend you can hopefully learn to say, "I didn't realize I hurt you but tell me more about how you felt and what I can do differently."  That doesn't mean you are taking all the blame.  You're just admitting you might be wrong and that you don't have to win the war no matter what.

The buttons that set us off are only powerful if we keep them connected to the hurts of our past and the wrong thinking that has invaded our minds over the years. Like that button on the elevator that you eventually discover doesn't work, you can make the buttons in your life inoperable too with some new thinking and bit of practice.

Who Did We Miss Today?

"Rebecca Wells, a compliance auditor and USC graduate, died in her cubicle Friday, but no one noticed her body for an entire day. The LA County employee was eventually noticed by a security guard on Saturday afternoon. Her body was found slumped over her desk, according to reports."

That news story ran just the other day. A fifty-one year old woman passed away at work and no one saw her struggle, take her last breath or lay there alone. And of course we don't know the circumstances and perhaps this was just a quirky situation that no one could have helped.

But unfortunately, there are people dying all around us every day.  No, not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Their marriage is tanking, kids are hurting, job is gone, they feel like no one cares, and their personhood has taken all sorts of hits that make them feel worthless. In addition, many of them have no understanding that God loves them, cares about them and wants to give them life, real life.


I remember one of my grad school teachers and respected author Larry Crabb telling us to remember that, People are hurting more deeply than we know.  And yes, we're often surprised by the ones right around us - coworkers, church attenders, leaders and even family members who all of a sudden expose some deep wound that we never knew about.


And we can never know people's thoughts and emotions that they aren't willing to share but we can at least open the door to being a caring, loving friend, spouse or parent who might be the help they need.  How?


First, listen beneath the words.  You don't have to be a therapist to do this.  Just listen for generic statements that may send a deeper message.  A potential exchange:   "How are you today?"  "Oh, fine."  "Just fine?"


Now don't be a pain on this one.  If they say, "Yes, just fine," then let it go. But sometimes people will let you in to talk more and will welcome your concern.  Spouses and parents would be wise to practice this and do it well and often.


Second, build relationships that welcome openness.  My boss regularly asks me, "How's your heart?" And I know he means it and really wants to know.  I also know I can trust him.  That kind of relationship takes time but he doesn't have to work really hard to hear about when I'm struggling.  This should come naturally for spouses and parents but often we don't go here with each other. Start early and respond lovingly no matter what you hear and you will be surprised at the results.


Third, model openness.  When my boss and I share I also feel comfortable telling him things because I've seen his heart, too. He models authenticity.  We must do the same with others especially in our homes.  But instead home can become a place where we keep stockpiling all sorts of things we never talk about: disappointments, failures, being sad, and the like. Instead make your home a place where it's safe to mess up, make a mistake and be hurting inside.


Who might be dying in your world or home today?  Get next to them, speak to them words of life and offer them a listening ear that just might be the resuscitation they needed to stay alive and healthy.

The Impact of a Hug

Her name is Elizabeth Laird. You probably don't know her but at Ft Hood here in Texas they do. She's known as the Hug Lady. Since 2003 she's been greeting soldiers deploying and returning from missions with a hug.

"If I can bring a smile to their face, if I can lift their spirits a bit, if I can let them know we care, it's my way of saying, 'Thank you for what you do.'" This four feet, ten inch woman is described as a one-woman welcome wagon and one-person goodbye party. In seven years they estimate she has hugged at least 500,000 soldiers.

Scared and worried soldiers leaving home and tired and worn out warriors thankful to have returned all get a hug from Elizabeth. Her hugs must be like a cup of cold water in the desert.

I wonder how many of us and the people in our world long for a hug. Oh, not just a physical, put your arms around the neck kind hug, as great as that is. No, a hug that may take a hundred different forms, but has the same impact. It's something that sends the message, I noticed you, you've not been forgotten, you matter to me and most of all you still matter to God.

Think about what hugs to our spouses, kids, parents, neighbors and coworkers might look like. A smile, a word of encouragement, a "how are things going?" to someone you know has been hurting.

What about a thank you in a spoken word or card? How about inviting someone for coffee 'just because.' Wouldn't it feel like a hug if someone walked up to you and said, "Thanks for a great job," or "I'm proud of you?"

Do we take interest in people, do we listen instead of talk, do we ever seek to learn more about someone else's recent or past story? All of these can be "hugs" that we give out regularly.

When we first moved to Texas we were amazed at how many people came up and gave us a hug even though they didn't know us. Yes, hugs can be overdone and misused but somehow it seems like we need them more in this fast-paced culture of ours.

And let's not leave out the physical version either. There is something affirming about appropriate touch and closeness when it expresses our love, pride and encouragement towards one another. In a world where people are flying by us every moment, a hug, physical or not, slows us down and helps us to notice someone else. We embrace each other emotionally when we really hug someone.

Who in your world needs to be hugged today? Who is the person who you think needs it least? They probably need it most. Give of your hugs freely, intentionally and lovingly. Give them often. And offer them in love. Someday we might wish we had hugged more when that person is no longer around or in proximity to meaningfully connect any more. Start now.

The Big FOUR Mistakes in Communication

There are lots of mistakes that we spouses make over the years, some of which are pretty hard to swallow or come back from afterward: forgetting anniversaries, talking about old flames, not offering a compliment and the like.

But psychologist and author John Gottman has identified four of the biggies that we would be wise to know about and seek to avoid if our marriages are going to continue to grow and thrive. I share these with every couple in pre-marital counseling and I think they're worth mentioning to anyone in a marriage these days. In fact, the cautions are worth considering in our parenting or general relationships as well.

The first one is criticism. Ever been around someone who is always critical of you or others? No, I'm not talking about times here and there where we honestly and in love tell another something negative that we believe would truly be helpful. Rather, I'm thinking of persons who have to criticize everything. Your cooking, your looks, your clothing, your opinions are never enough or always in question. Sometimes the criticism is couched in humor but it's very real and hurtful nonetheless.

We all need to be encouraged now and then and no one is always wrong but many people send that message to others all the time. Chances are they feel nervous about their own worth and value but that doesn't help. Don't be your spouse's or child's biggest critic.

Second is defensiveness. Many people respond themselves to every comment by defending themselves rather than hearing the other person out. "Honey, did you get milk on the way home?" "Get milk? I worked until 6:30 and you wanted me to remember milk? What did you do all day?"

Or "You know, last night when you responded the way you did I felt hurt and blamed for everything." "Well, you WERE at fault. You're the one who's supposed to be dealing with the kids when I'm not here. Why are you always trying to get me to take on your responsibilities?"

Do you relate? Are you this way or do you know someone like that? Makes you want to just stay quiet the next time, right? So many people think their value is on the line when someone else is displeased with them. The good news is that it is not. Our worth is found in God who made us. If we're His child then our worth is forever secure. Our spouses, children or friends could never be enough for us anyway. Don't defend - listen and engage. You'll survive.

Third, silence. I used to use this one a lot. Jackie and I would disagree about something early in the day and then I'd leave for work. I'd get home later and would come in, turn on the TV and read the paper. I figured, "Why upset her? Let's just forget about it." I finally figured out that she saw my silence and not dealing with it as a reflection on her, that I must have believed she couldn't handle it. And she was right. I wasn't treating her with respect by being silent. I was protecting myself.

Finally, contempt. This is the worst of the four. It's where one person starts to call the other names, speak in a degrading tone of voice, use profanities and other mean terms and basically devalue the other person through their speech and actions. I worked with a couple once where the man had called his wife a "whore" the week before. That's probably the worst I've ever heard but contempt is often used as a weapon as a final blow to win the battle again their spouse or someone else. It's also pretty lethal to most relationships. Remember, there's no battle to be won. We're to be a team. Remove the destructive words from your speech.

So take inventory and ask yourself whether any or all of these Four Horsemen are evident in your relationships. If so, pray that God will help you change and give you some new terms and ways of relating. If you've made the mistakes, ask forgiveness and start communicating more effectively. If you need help, get it. As I've said often in these posts our words are powerful. Use that power to be loving, truthful and impacting. It will pay huge dividends in the end.

Making It 30+ Years: Our Words and Communication

Jackie and I were sitting in a restaurant not long ago and couldn't help but notice a couple nearby who the whole time barely said one word to each other. They ate their meals and read the paper but this meal was obviously not a time where they were going to bare their souls to each other. I'm not sure they even looked at each other except by accident.

Now to be fair, we didn't know anything about them. They may have wonderful, deep, intimate discussions at other times and agreed long ago to use some of their restaurant time to get caught up on the news.

However, I wonder how many couples really never discuss much of anything of consequence with each other. They're like the two people in the restaurant at least appeared to be - in the same room but not really connecting. Instead they spend time together and with their families but they make no time or effort to talk about what's going on inside each other. And even if they did have time they possibly wouldn't know what to do with it anyway. Other couples may talk more to each other than some but never get any deeper than discussing the days events, the kids' schedules and the relatives' faults.

So how do you have a meaningful, intimate discussion with your spouse (and this applies to other relationships as well) without it turning into an argument? How do you enjoy emotional intimacy as God intended and still speak words of life to one another even when you're unhappy with the other person?

Gary Smalley, author and popular speaker, has identified five levels of communication. Starting with the shallowest to the deepest they are: cliches, facts, opinions, feelings and needs. Cliches have their place. Facts of course are important, even in disagreements. Have you ever had an argument only to find out that one or both of you didn't have all the details straight?



Opinions also have merit but unforunately this is the level where we usually argue and get stuck. For a variety of reasons we believe that we have to win the argument, that we must be right and that we can't come out of this looking bad. Unfortunately those premises are wrong. Nonetheless, we fight to the finish only to have our feelings hurt, our guilt heightened and our problem unsolved.



That's why we need to learn to move into the next two levels of healthy communication: feelings and needs. It sounds like Counseling 101 class, but feelings do matter. Women especially want to know that their husbands understand them, in fact, understanding may be the majority of the issue much of the time. If we men would just listen actively and try to discover what they are feeling we may not need to solve the bigger problem, at least right away!

And men, you care about feelings too. You just don't want to admit it. Deep down we too get hurt, angry, depressed, overwhelmed and confused just like our spouses. We just think that to be manly we must suck it up and never tell. The problem is that most of us tell someone, just not our wives. Who? The guy (or woman) at work, the bar, where we get our hair cut, lots of places. Bad idea.

If we're going to have real intimacy with our spouse and safely guard our emotional well-being we need to be sharing our feelings and being alert to them in our spouse. You don't have to be a counselor to do this. You start by listening and then continue by guessing. Yes, that's right -guessing. "So, it sounds to me like you're pretty angry about all this?" "Hmm, if it were me I would be really overwhelmed right now."

Get the idea? If you're wrong, the other person will tell you. You won't die if you're wrong. I do counseling a lot as part of my ministry and I'm wrong all the time. Remember, every time you're wrong you learn something that helps you become more right.

But the last level of communication is worth going after at some point: needs. This is especially important when you're part of the problem and your spouse (or the other person) has become frustrated in some way with you. After you've nailed down their feeling or feelings, a fair and helpful question would be, "So what do you need from me now or next time that would help you feel less (blank)?"

At this point you're on your way to solving what caused the problem in the first place and hopefully avoiding it in the future. You'll also be sending a message that you really do care about the other person and want things to be different.

And one more thing for today. None of this has to be done while yelling. I like to say, only yell at your spouse when they are in immediate danger. Instead try some new, more effective levels of communicating with your spouse and with others you love. It will take practice but it will be worth it.