When We Mean Well But Make It Worse

When a loved one, friend or neighbor faces a tragedy or challenge, our natural response is usually to do something, say something helpful or in other words, make it better. We certainly would never intend to add more angst to their situation but frankly we sometimes do - unintentionally.

And our misguided, ill-timed responses are often expressed through our words. We say the wrong thing though it may sound like the right thing.

Here are a few examples along with the better, more helpful, more realistic response.

1.  I know everything's going to turn out fine.  The problem is that in life everything doesn't always turn out okay. Thousands may pray and people still die or remain ill. We lose a job and there's no other job on the horizon anywhere. The better answer . . . ?

I know that you're going to get through this and a lot of us are here to help you.


2.  One of these days you'll discover why this happened.  Thankfully we do sometimes learn what God had in mind or how we grew and what was accomplished in us through a major challenge or tragedy. But often we never learn the why. We'll find out in Heaven perhaps, but not in this life. So it's a bit dangerous to promise someone that they will get the answers about why in this life. Maybe they won't. The better answer . . . ?

Sometimes only God knows all the reasons, but I will pray that you move from having to know WHY to finding out WHAT you will do now and HOW.


3.  I know exactly what you're going through and . . . .  In reality, none of us knows exactly what someone else is feeling or facing even though we may have a similar experience or story.  There may come a time when our sharing our perspective could give the other person some practical help about how to move forward or what not to do. But saying it in the moment of their pain only discounts their struggle and suggests they ought to be able to get through it easily because of where you have come.
There are better answers especially when the hurt is still raw and extremely potent . . .

I can't know what you're feeling but you are free to talk to me and share that anytime including right now. 

Get the idea? To be truly helpful means that we simply stay with another person in the moment without trying to fix, simplify or discount their hurt. Down the road may be the time for other suggestions. Initially make it your goal simply to listen and respond accordingly. I guarantee that the person you're caring for will thank you later for your ministry of presence and care, even though you did little to take away the pain.

Missing The Special Moments? Don't!

This past weekend we attended some outstanding fireworks in a wonderful little town near our home in Princeton, IL. The atmosphere was festive, the people were all having a great time, the fried foods were in abundance and the anticipation for several hours prior was electric.

Near us were numerous children running, playing and just having fun. However, one mother nearby was locked into her cell phone for nearly three hours. Her two daughters were being little girls and having a great time but mom never noticed and only engaged with them when they apparently bothered her.

At one point "Elmo" showed up eager to have pictures taken with him and to cause the little ones to squeal with delight. In fact, at our friend's urging he came right up to this family and made a point to interact with the little girls who were of course thrilled.

Mom never noticed or took a picture.

How sad.

I wonder how many special, fun, spontaneous moments we parents miss because we're too preoccupied with our own little world - the phone, the tech, the urgent. Yes, we can go to the other extreme and make our kids the center of our universe, hover over their every move and do everything for them that they desire.

But we all must be careful to not miss those unplanned, carefree moments like the fireworks when there was no agenda, record to be broken or performance to be evaluated. This mom had an opportunity to make a memory, one that those girls will remember, one that the mother could have embraced and engaged. 

But apparently her wall or the news was more important.

This summer, especially when our kids are around a bit more, take time to enjoy the moments, those special times when your kids are just kids. Those times won't be here forever and someday you will cry that they are gone.

The Best Defense Isn't Usually Helpful in Marriage

If you follow sports at all you know that sometimes great defense wins games. Stopping the other person from scoring points or goals is often what helps the offense the most.

But in marriage defensive responding is rarely helpful. Playing defense usually means several things happen often in a marriage: one or both spouses rarely think they are wrong, neither are willing to look at their own issues and most conflict ends in stalemates, hurt and anger.

And yet many couples go to defensiveness immediately when they feel threatened or there is a chance they are wrong. Rather than explore how they might have hurt or let the other person down, they frantically hope to make their case for themselves.

For some this reaction came from their childhood where they were often told they were wrong or could never measure up. For others they're just competitive and always want to win.  Whatever the cause, playing defense has to go in a marriage. That doesn't mean that there is never a place for explaining yourself or getting the facts straight.

But let's walk through the process that a defensive spouse often faces and find a better way.

First, they hear something that potentially makes them look bad, have to admit an error or lack of judgment. That usually causes anger, panic or despair to well up within so they must do something to fight back.

Second, they begin to explain away their action, hoping to convince the other person that they aren't so bad or didn't do anything wrong.

Third, the other person continues to make their point. The arguing continues and both now try to win the battle.  They're playing defense and as a reult become offensive.  This never works.

The answer?  Don't explain, explore. Be willing to ask the other person how what you did made them feel and what you could have done differently. This isn't an admission of guilt. It's an acceptance of your own mistake and an understanding that your worth is not on the the line (See other posts I've written on this.).

Play more appropriate offense where you work at trying to understand and restore the relationship.

You see a great defense never wins the marriage game.

Being There For Hurting People

Recently, I put a quote from one of my graduate school/seminary teachers, Larry Crabb, on my Facebook page and got quite a response. The quote was simply this, "People are hurting more deeply than we know." Lots of people apparently resonated with that thought. What prompted me to think of that yesterday? Running into more hurting people through what I do as a pastor and counselor.

But what's interesting is that you don't always know that others are troubled. In fact, most of the time you don't. Some of the most together people we know, however, are dying on the inside. Their marriage is a wreck, they feel like a failure, they have an illness that could be terminal, their kids are struggling, they just lost their job, they feel like God has left them, they're exhausted and discouraged or a thousand other things.

Why don't people typically open up, even to their spouse, their parents or close friends? One reason is fear. Fear that others will look at them less favorably, fear of appearing weak, fear of not having it all together.

A second reason is probably time. We're so busy and there is so little margin in our worlds, that we often don't have time to share our story or listen to another's so we simply keep things light and move right past one another.

A third reason is likely past experiences. When we've told someone else we're hurting, we may have gotten a trite, "Yeah, I know what you mean," or been given an easy answer or gotten the impression that somehow if we just trusted God more we wouldn't be struggling. Sometimes people don't keep your story confidential and others who didn't need to know found out.

So we have to assume that people around us, even closest to us, probably have struggles, even deep pain, but won't just come out and tell us. And I know we can't solve everyone's problems but we can listen to someone today who needs to tell their story. I don't even know how that will always happen but I have a couple of suggestions for those of you who don't have people walk into their office and just open up (and I don't either by the way, at least a lot of the time).

First, pray for someone to encourage today and then have your eyes open. You never know who it will be or where they will show up. Second, listen for when a person may want to tell you more. Sometimes your merely saying, "Wow, sounds like this is a tough time for you," can open the door for a longer conversation. If not, don't push it.

Third, start by having your radar on for those closest to you. Ask yourself, "Does my spouse or do my kids know that I'm available and that I care about their hurts too? Do I make myself available and do I talk about things that really matter or hurt me? Have I sent the message that it's OK to not have life all together? When they do talk about hard things how do I respond?"

Yes, people are hurting more deeply than we know. And if you're the one doing the hurting, then ask God to bring a great listener and encourager into your world too. In the meantime, be that to someone else. It could change how you see your world today.

Making It 30+ Years: Our Words and Communication

Jackie and I were sitting in a restaurant not long ago and couldn't help but notice a couple nearby who the whole time barely said one word to each other. They ate their meals and read the paper but this meal was obviously not a time where they were going to bare their souls to each other. I'm not sure they even looked at each other except by accident.

Now to be fair, we didn't know anything about them. They may have wonderful, deep, intimate discussions at other times and agreed long ago to use some of their restaurant time to get caught up on the news.

However, I wonder how many couples really never discuss much of anything of consequence with each other. They're like the two people in the restaurant at least appeared to be - in the same room but not really connecting. Instead they spend time together and with their families but they make no time or effort to talk about what's going on inside each other. And even if they did have time they possibly wouldn't know what to do with it anyway. Other couples may talk more to each other than some but never get any deeper than discussing the days events, the kids' schedules and the relatives' faults.

So how do you have a meaningful, intimate discussion with your spouse (and this applies to other relationships as well) without it turning into an argument? How do you enjoy emotional intimacy as God intended and still speak words of life to one another even when you're unhappy with the other person?

Gary Smalley, author and popular speaker, has identified five levels of communication. Starting with the shallowest to the deepest they are: cliches, facts, opinions, feelings and needs. Cliches have their place. Facts of course are important, even in disagreements. Have you ever had an argument only to find out that one or both of you didn't have all the details straight?



Opinions also have merit but unforunately this is the level where we usually argue and get stuck. For a variety of reasons we believe that we have to win the argument, that we must be right and that we can't come out of this looking bad. Unfortunately those premises are wrong. Nonetheless, we fight to the finish only to have our feelings hurt, our guilt heightened and our problem unsolved.



That's why we need to learn to move into the next two levels of healthy communication: feelings and needs. It sounds like Counseling 101 class, but feelings do matter. Women especially want to know that their husbands understand them, in fact, understanding may be the majority of the issue much of the time. If we men would just listen actively and try to discover what they are feeling we may not need to solve the bigger problem, at least right away!

And men, you care about feelings too. You just don't want to admit it. Deep down we too get hurt, angry, depressed, overwhelmed and confused just like our spouses. We just think that to be manly we must suck it up and never tell. The problem is that most of us tell someone, just not our wives. Who? The guy (or woman) at work, the bar, where we get our hair cut, lots of places. Bad idea.

If we're going to have real intimacy with our spouse and safely guard our emotional well-being we need to be sharing our feelings and being alert to them in our spouse. You don't have to be a counselor to do this. You start by listening and then continue by guessing. Yes, that's right -guessing. "So, it sounds to me like you're pretty angry about all this?" "Hmm, if it were me I would be really overwhelmed right now."

Get the idea? If you're wrong, the other person will tell you. You won't die if you're wrong. I do counseling a lot as part of my ministry and I'm wrong all the time. Remember, every time you're wrong you learn something that helps you become more right.

But the last level of communication is worth going after at some point: needs. This is especially important when you're part of the problem and your spouse (or the other person) has become frustrated in some way with you. After you've nailed down their feeling or feelings, a fair and helpful question would be, "So what do you need from me now or next time that would help you feel less (blank)?"

At this point you're on your way to solving what caused the problem in the first place and hopefully avoiding it in the future. You'll also be sending a message that you really do care about the other person and want things to be different.

And one more thing for today. None of this has to be done while yelling. I like to say, only yell at your spouse when they are in immediate danger. Instead try some new, more effective levels of communicating with your spouse and with others you love. It will take practice but it will be worth it.