Some Sensible Lessons To Learn During Tragedy

We're all still reeling, aren't we, from the horrific shooting of innocent children and adults this week in Connecticut.  And naturally all sorts of questions are already being asked about the shooter, his motives and of course why could this have happened in the first place.  And for now we must wait for those with the greatest expertise and most knowledge to come up with those answers and not suggest our own trite or uninformed responses as tempting as that might be.

But I think there are some things we must re-visit and hopefully continue to learn from as we walk through these unexplainable events that seem to be plaguing our country and world more of late. Let me suggest a few.

First, evil is real and something more than the occurrence of bad things or the actions of bad people. While some things can be explained by mental illness, events of the past or a terrible upbringing, not everyone who experiences those things goes out and kills the innocent. Evil takes these humans to another level that goes beyond any sense of decency, normalcy or compassion for others. Evil comes from a source beyond our world, from Satan himself, whose ultimate goal is to devour, kill and destroy.

If there is no God and no Satan, then the actions of these deviant ones are merely genetic and the bad results of evolution. Our grief and sense of loss are the same. It's all just chemistry. But who wants to make that argument today?  Does it make any sense?  Not really.

It's why faith involvement, training and relationship is still essential to us and our culture. Yes, we want to be a country where all views are respected, but we must never allow expressions of faith and the use of faith principles to be completely removed from our classrooms, public squares and discussions in general.

Second, death for many has become unreal or fantasy. No, I'm not going to suggest that we should remove all violent video games or that video games directly cause these tragedies, but parents ought to quit letting their kids and teens keep playing them indiscriminantly. They have turned killing into a game where the people get back up again to play again.  But Hollywood and other media should also be challenged to quit making the death of someone easy without remorse or consequence in their programs and films.

We must change our culture back to a society of life, good and hope from one of easy death and destruction.

Third, we must remember that God is still in charge.  The question that is surely being asked over and over is, "Why would God allow this to happen?"  And none of us has the whole answer to that but we can certainly know part of the truth on it. God gave mankind a choice as to whether we would follow Him or not. He never planned on making us into robots.

As a result, many people choose to embrace their own way, their own choices and ultimately Satan's evil desires over God's. And when those choices get carried to their logical end, very bad things happen. Does God ever intervene?  Of course. Probably more than we know. He has certain results in mind that we won't ever understand in this life.  He does miracles all the time. Sometimes we see them, sometimes not.

But God wasn't looking the other way. I'm sure He's more sad than we are. And I'm confident He will still do something good with all of this. He always does.

The Power and Privilege of A Hug

Did you hear about the woman who started a business called The Huggery?  For sixty dollars she'll snuggle with you for an hour. She says she's right up front about what this is and is not, but I still wonder about how that works.

Whatever the case, she says that lots of people out there just need to be close to someone. I guess you could say this is a form of a hug. And yes, we all do need to be touched to survive well emotionally. Most of us know about the studies of infants where those who were held and cuddled had their health and well-being improve dramatically.

So while I don't suggest we start our own cuddling/snuggling business there are some ways we might connect through touch better at home.

First of all, cuddle with your spouse. Yes, guys, cuddle. That can take lots of forms from holding hands to sitting close on the couch to giving a long-lasting hug. And no, I don't mean the kind of touch that has to lead to more. Just be close.

Second, give more hugs. Of course, hugs toward the opposite sex should be appropriate and careful, but we don't have to eliminate them. Where we lived for eight years in Texas hugs are the norm and they make a difference in how people feel especially when they feel alone or discouraged.

Third, don't be afraid to touch your older kids in affectionate ways. Young children are easy. We pick them up all the time and often hug, wrestle or play on the floor. But teens are different story. When my son as an adolescent was getting to be about my height I would purposely claim that he wasn't as tall as me. So he would naturally ask my wife to compare us as we stood back to back.

I would put my arms behind my back and pretend to pull him close for measuring but I was really getting a hug. He just didn't know it. (That didn't last long by the way, but it worked for a while.)  Our kids need to be able to enjoy the simple, caring touch of a parent who truly cares about them.

You see, in our fast-paced, busy worlds, touch can become a thing of the past if we're not careful. So as the old commercial used to say, Reach out and touch someone.  It does matter.

During Recovery Lock Your Doors!

A recent news story showed how many people at shopping malls leave their car doors unlocked while they shop. In addition, many of them have valuables, previous purchases and other expensive electronics clearly visible to anyone passing by.

Obviously many individuals and families get needlessly robbed of things that are important and in some cases difficult or at least expensive to replace.  IF they were only a little more careful they would rarely get taken advantage of.

Sometimes in life, we too can leave our emotional and personal doors unlocked only to have necessary energy, strength and other resources taken from us.

One way we are vulnerable is when we don't set appropriate boundaries. Boundaries are safeguards we set up with others that we control to keep them out of our world at unnecessary or inappropriate times. For example, a person is grieving the loss of a loved one and yet they let all their friends tell them how to handle their grief or where they should emotionally be at some point.

Or someone with cancer struggling with not having their usual energy still gives in to a friend or relative's demands that they meet their needs or acclimate to their schedule in some way. As a result our ability to function well is stolen from us because we've left ourselves open to others entering our car when we should have locked it.

Another way we let people rob us is when we offer them our personhood and let what they say, do or not do make us feel less valued. We allow them to take away from our value, our being made in God's image, through their comments about what we're doing or not doing right. We succumb to their negative evaluation by believing that what they say really determines who we are and it does not.

There are five things that are always true of us in God's eyes that are worth repeating: We are loved, we are forgiven, we matter, we have purpose and we are children of God.  Any person who has chosen to join God's family can count on those no matter what anyone else says.

So, are you during your personal journey leaving yourself open to emotional robberies by others?  If so, set some boundaries and remember who you really are in God's eyes. It will change how you climb and in general how you live.  And that's worth a lot.

The Importance of a Loving Surprise Now and Then

Not long ago I went to my favorite Starbucks for an early morning meeting. I walked up to the cashier and as usual ordered my latte, pulling out my money to pay for it. Just then the barista said, "Oh, by the way someone is paying for all the drinks this morning. There's no charge."

The cashier went on to explain that a person had apparently come in early that morning and dropped $500 down and said to cover everyone's beverages until the money ran out.

You know what's interesting? That small gesture of generosity kind of made my day as it seemed to do with a number of us who waited for our coffee. People were buzzing about it each with a smile on their face if only for a few minutes. It was nice being surprised by someone's kindness. Sure, it was only worth a few dollars, but his or her thoughtfulness went significantly beyond their investment.

In fact, that person's actions reminded me that while I too should be willing to sacrifice even for strangers, I also need to look for opportunities to surprise those close to me. While I certainly love them, I don't go out of my way nearly enough to just give a surprise or extra dose of love and kindness to them through an obvious action or word.

What might that look like? Well, there are no doubt hundreds of answers to that question depending upon you, your circumstances and the people you love. But here are a few suggestions. First of all, give some doses of affirming or encouraging words. Have you told your spouse lately how proud you are of him or her or what a great husband, wife or parent they are?

Have you told your kids lately what a terrific job they're doing in school, around the house or if they're an adult complimented them on their parenting? Have you told a friend how much you appreciate their listening ear and helpful thoughts.

Have you brought one of your office team a surprise coffee or other favorite treat just because?

You see if we're not careful we'll become like the man whose wife wondered why he never said he loved her to which he responded, "Why should I do that? I told you I loved you when we got married. That should be enough." Wrong answer.

Words are powerful. I've said this before but let me repeat this important verse from Proverbs 18:21, The tongue has the power of death and life. Or Proverbs 25:11, A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. Thoughts unexpressed are just thoughts. Those close to us don't typically read our minds. And loving actions have great impact especially to those who respond more emotionally to what they see than what they hear.

Get creative. Have fun with this. And know your audience. Use words or actions or your presence depending upon the love language of the person you're with. Every now and then I stop on my way home from a long day away from my wife and bring her one of her favorite treats letting her know I was thinking of her even though I was gone all day. More often than not, she surprises me, though, with a fun note or creative card. Our actions don't have to cost a lot of money. But we do need to be intentional.

Here's a question that might help you determine what you could try: What could someone do or say to YOU that would encourage you and lift your spirit today? Chances are good that someone in your world would love to receive the same from you today. Go for it! In fact, be bold and ask God to open the door for you and then look for the next opportunity. It might make your day!

Being There For Hurting People

Recently, I put a quote from one of my graduate school/seminary teachers, Larry Crabb, on my Facebook page and got quite a response. The quote was simply this, "People are hurting more deeply than we know." Lots of people apparently resonated with that thought. What prompted me to think of that yesterday? Running into more hurting people through what I do as a pastor and counselor.

But what's interesting is that you don't always know that others are troubled. In fact, most of the time you don't. Some of the most together people we know, however, are dying on the inside. Their marriage is a wreck, they feel like a failure, they have an illness that could be terminal, their kids are struggling, they just lost their job, they feel like God has left them, they're exhausted and discouraged or a thousand other things.

Why don't people typically open up, even to their spouse, their parents or close friends? One reason is fear. Fear that others will look at them less favorably, fear of appearing weak, fear of not having it all together.

A second reason is probably time. We're so busy and there is so little margin in our worlds, that we often don't have time to share our story or listen to another's so we simply keep things light and move right past one another.

A third reason is likely past experiences. When we've told someone else we're hurting, we may have gotten a trite, "Yeah, I know what you mean," or been given an easy answer or gotten the impression that somehow if we just trusted God more we wouldn't be struggling. Sometimes people don't keep your story confidential and others who didn't need to know found out.

So we have to assume that people around us, even closest to us, probably have struggles, even deep pain, but won't just come out and tell us. And I know we can't solve everyone's problems but we can listen to someone today who needs to tell their story. I don't even know how that will always happen but I have a couple of suggestions for those of you who don't have people walk into their office and just open up (and I don't either by the way, at least a lot of the time).

First, pray for someone to encourage today and then have your eyes open. You never know who it will be or where they will show up. Second, listen for when a person may want to tell you more. Sometimes your merely saying, "Wow, sounds like this is a tough time for you," can open the door for a longer conversation. If not, don't push it.

Third, start by having your radar on for those closest to you. Ask yourself, "Does my spouse or do my kids know that I'm available and that I care about their hurts too? Do I make myself available and do I talk about things that really matter or hurt me? Have I sent the message that it's OK to not have life all together? When they do talk about hard things how do I respond?"

Yes, people are hurting more deeply than we know. And if you're the one doing the hurting, then ask God to bring a great listener and encourager into your world too. In the meantime, be that to someone else. It could change how you see your world today.