One of The Best Habits We Ever Put In Our Marriage

Most couples over time develop certain habits whether they like it or not. Some are helpful and enriching to their marriage, others annoying and some even destructive. Often most of their habits aren't even planned, they just happen.

Jackie and I have had our share in the above lists but there is one that I am thankful we were very intentional about from the very beginning of our marriage until today. No, we've not done it perfectly and there have been periods where it pretty much vanished for a time but its importance and pull have always brought us back to it.

I am confident that it has enhanced our communication, intimacy, planning for the future and ability to simply rest and enjoy some Sabbath in our busy weeks.

Our habit? We've made extended, focused time for each other. We have committed to a day, morning, evening or a combination where we put aside our regular schedule, plan something fun, go out to eat perhaps along the way and explore new places together. We usually have some sort of goal but the time is not typically programmed and we can always change things up last minute.

Sometimes the weather alters our course or we're just too tired. That's okay. We have enough margin during that time to not get flustered because our original plan didn't work out. We don't always go somewhere either. Sometimes we stay home, read, relax and watch movies or television that we didn't get to see earlier.

We try not to let other outside influences steal our time away either. We limit phone calls (I'm a pastor so sometimes there are emergencies), online efforts, housework and errands. We try to make sure we have time to talk, leaving room for heavier issues but not limiting ourselves to that. We laugh a lot and talk about non-work, non-people things rather than ministry.

And there is something about having a day that we know is out there waiting for us that makes challenging times a bit more tolerable.  We know that a reprieve is coming so we can take a little more pressure for a time if need be. And even if our getaway time gets robbed because of events we can't control it is so ingrained in us we gravitate to it immediately the next week.

I fear that many, if not most couples, in this 21st century, have relegated time for each other to we'll-do-that-when-we-get-time or once-the-kids-are-grown or some other fantasy-laden hope that will never happen. It's not that you can't afford to take time for each other. You can't afford NOT to have it. You'll have to make it happen even if it means letting go of something else.

Marriages don't deteriorate for no reason. They fail because we don't give them time, priority and intentionality. So don't wait!  Start somewhere. Maybe you can't give a whole day yet. Then find a couple of hours or a morning for starters.  But write it on your calendar.  Let you kids know you are working more at being together. You'll be modeling something for them to take into their marriage.

I'm pretty sure it will be a habit you're glad you started.  Try it.

Our Kids Need To Know When We Can't Afford It!

We've all been there, right?  One of our kids asks if they can have something reasonable. Maybe a computer. Lots of kids have them. It would help for school. Our other computer is being used all the time anyway. But the thousand dollars isn't exactly in our budget.

Or we're on vacation and they want to do one more special activity. It's not that big of a deal. Sure, we don't have the funds in our vacation dollars for that but how many times will we be back? Our parents couldn't have afforded this so we're not about to let our kids suffer like we did, are we?

Many of us feel embarrassed to tell our kids NO and God forbid, we argue, that they think we can't afford that extra right now. But why do we fear that possibility? Isn't that the way life is? Don't we wish our political leaders would save money rather than spend what they don't have? How will our kids ever learn how to budget and live without some things if we never show them?

We parents need to help our kids understand that life does not owe them everything and that very few people have unlimited funds to spend. In fact, we need to teach them that it's not healthy to live that way even if we do have the money.

Sometimes we need to say no. Of course we don't have to explain our no as a lack of funds if that's not the case. Nor do we need to go there every time when it is.

But there are some helpful phrases that can be free to use when money is tight and we cannot do something because of finances:

You know, we have just so much in our vacation budget and we're still planning to go horseback riding which will use up the rest. So no, we can't add rafting this year.

Or . . . We really do plan on getting you a computer of your own after the holidays but right now that's not in our family budget unless you want to put some of your own money toward it.

Get the idea? You see there are several important benefits of being honest with your kids:


One, they learn that we all only have so much money. That's normal and the reality of life. Very few people have unlimited funds.

Two, they are less likely to feel entitled. Too many kids today think that they can have it all and frankly deserve it all. And sadly, some of their friends live that way so the task for parents is not always easy. We may have to swim upstream on this one but it is important nonetheless.

Three, we will more likely be able to show them the importance and value of serving others. When families spend so much of their time, energy and resources keeping up with others and pretending to have it all they usually don't have much left over for others. When they start to realize life is not all about them and that feeling really alive is when we make life more about others it's a win for everyone.

So be honest with your kids. Don't play the we're poor card and belittle their desires, hopes and dreams. Just be sure to teach them reality even if it takes some humility on your part.



 

The Potential Dangers In Simple Answers

Whenever there is a crisis or major problem people usually want to find out just one thing: what is the answer that will fix it? And sometimes there is a basic cause that is worth a look and can provide significant relief, healing or change.

But more often than not, the simple, singular answer is not the only answer. A child is doing poorly in school, the crops need rain, a friend's cancer showed up again or our marriage is staggering. Chances are the solutions for solving the problem or the reasons that started it are complex.

Unfortunately many well meaning people including leaders, parents, pastors, authors, counselors and friends are unwilling to walk people through the messiness of multiple facets of a problem. And sadly they miss out on learning to also trust in a God who Isaiah says has ways that are "higher than our ways."

Where does some of this over-simplification often show itself in our culture?

With our children. Ryan's struggling emotionally at age twelve and his parents are having trouble with him at home. Several simple answers will likely be suggested to the parents from others or in their own minds. It's Ryan's diet, it's hormones, it's the parents recent marriage challenges, it's a spiritual rebellion or it's even the demon of rebellion. (I personally don't think there is such a demon by the way though I believe in demons.)  Could part of the solution be in that list?  Of course. But it's unlikely the only answer. There may be several important factors at work.

With national and local disasters. When tornadoes, floods, earthquakes and hurricanes hit the "experts" will often claim it's because God is punishing the people for disobedience, we're in the End Times or it's a sign of things to come. Maybe. But could it be that God can do all of that and more during the disaster and even accomplish his chastising without one? Is it possible that God wants to teach us something about trusting Him even when things don't go our way? Could it be that natural disaster happened because, well, . . . it's natural?

With our theology. Someone isn't healed. Some will argue they didn't have enough faith. That's it. Or no one claimed the promise or said just the right words. The church isn't growing because they don't use the right translation or don't teach the Bible verse by verse or they quit singing the "right" music. There must be one answer that will explain everything. At least that's what many hope (and I have too) but it's rarely the case.

With our other personal struggles. We lost our job, our marriage is on the rocks, our adult child has wandered from the faith, our health never seems to quite return to normal.  "Aah," we or others say. "There must be some hidden sin," or "God is punishing me for what happened last year," or "If we just went on that diet things will change."  Should we consider those avenues sometimes?  Of course, if wisdom dictates it or God leads us that way.

But there are dangers in always wanting or expecting the easy answer. First, we can miss God. We can miss out on his love, care and patience through the struggle.  We can miss learning to trust Him even when we don't understand. And we can miss loving one another through the fog and mystery.

Second, we can become mean-spirited. We don't intend to but because we believe in the ONE answer we tend to tell people they had better get with the program and start doing what they need to do. And we miss just loving them, listening to them and trying to understand their feelings and confusion. We become as I Corinthians 13 says a "noisy cymbal" rather than a chime of love. I wonder if sometimes God doesn't hold off on making things better to see if we His children will be present for a time with those who are hurting and actually live out our faith in powerful ways.

Third, we ultimately teach a lie, the lie being that everything God does or we experience can be explained by one simple action or result. Not true. God has plans that go beyond us and our world. God's only goal is not to make us happy. It's to glorify Himself and sometimes that makes us happy and sometimes it does not. God is coordinating myriad plans in the world and universe that we could never understand or grasp in this life. We must accept that.

So, in your home, learn to become more comfortable with the complicated, the complex and the multiple answers that may be needed to solve  your dilemma or at least help you live with it. And I'm pretty sure that if we're willing to look beyond the simple we will see some things that God intended for us to see that show just how great He is and how much we need Him.

Love Jesus? Just Do It!

I love my wife Jackie. Perfectly? Nope, but as passionately as I can. And I often come up with, discover or even learn from others' example great ways to express that love better. But I have a feeling that you and others who know me would get annoyed if I constantly either suggested that my new ways of loving were better than yours or intimated that they were perhaps the standard for everyone.

And yet I hear some pastors, leaders and everyday people suggesting that their new strategy or idea for living out their Christian faith and love for Christ is the newest, brightest, most spiritual and best way. They say or at least imply in their message, comments or even Facebook post that they've now discovered the real way to love, a way that others have apparently been missing for years, perhaps even centuries.

I often read or hear that if I just gave more sacrificially, served the poor more, sold my home and downsized, gave up social media for a month, fasted, went on a missions trip or did something truly radical that I would genuinely be showing my love for Jesus just like them.

The problem is that none of us who follow Christ have to be like them or like anyone except Jesus. There are myriad ways to live out our faith and God has given us all unique situations, personalities, gifts and opportunities to be Jesus in and to our culture. Add to that people in other cultures to whom our American ideas for spirituality and Christ following would make little sense at all.

Can we learn from the example and urgings of others?  Of course and we should. There is a place for pushing one another to new levels of love and obedience. But too often likely well-meaning people want to find the Holy Grail of discipleship or Christ - following when we would be better to just live out our personal commitment with all the passion and fervor we can offer. We don't need to talk about it, pontificate, brag or tell others how they should live for Jesus like we do.

If we have received a new nudge from God to ratchet up our commitment to Christ, like a husband or wife might for their spouse, then we should just DO IT passionately and humbly.

Jesus can handle the challenges people need to hear and will stimulate genuine heart change. We should just love Jesus, model it and keep learning. My hunch is that others will notice anyway.

Entitlement: The Killer of Thankful Hearts

I don't mean for this post to be a holiday squasher but perhaps this is the BEST time to discuss something that is becoming a deadly virus in much of our culture. During a time of year when we at least try to focus on being thankful for what we have we would be wise to also consider what can steal that attitude of gratitude the rest of the year.

It's entitlement. And no I'm not talking primarily about programs commonly labeled as entitlements like social security and Medicare though perhaps they too are an indirect result of this virus.

But I want to challenge us all to think about an attitude and expectation that we personally should have certain privileges, rights, possessions and opportunities provided for us no matter what. In a recent blog I discussed how many parents expect that their child should receive the best coach, teacher, role in the play or whatever.

Go back and read that blog if you missed it. It's one subcategory of entitlement.

But this attitude goes beyond our children. We, too, believe that we should have priority in even the simple things like: the open parking spot, the place in line, tickets for the game the invite to the prestigious party or the full attention of the clerk in the store. See what the reaction is of most drivers when you accidently took their space in a driving lane or that one place left for a car to park at the mall!

Perhaps more significant might be our demand for: the best doctor in the waiting room, the head of the company to call us, the pastor to pay more attention to us or the local utility company to handle our complaint and problem first.  One way to tell is to measure your anger quotient when you don't get something you felt entitled to. If it's highere than say "5" on the anger meter you probably struggle with entitlement.

But remember that this virus can be deadly. It can first kill our thankfulness. And when we're not thankful we aren't usually happy. We will always demand more from those around us, our kids and even our family.

Second, we will become annoying, arrogant people who people will ultimately pull away from and avoid unless they are just like us. No one wants to be around a person who constantly thinks they deserve more or better and is always trying to get their demands met no matter the cost.

Third, we will never overcome our personal challenges. Why? Because we will always require one more thing to satisfy us, one more person to give us what we we believe we're entitled to. And even if we do get something on our list, there will be one more. We won't understand that entitlement is really a black hole that never gets filled up.

So, whatever you do, squash the entitlement virus from  your mind, family and home. Start by becoming thankful all the time, every day. As you feel your anger rising, tell God you're thankful for something He blessed you with that day anyway. Teach and model thanksgiving for your family.

Second, you let go of your demand that you get everything you think you must have to succeed or be OK. God is the only one capable of giving you that. So let Him be your guide.

Desire those things but don't demand them. If you do, you'll lose any chance of having a thankful heart and experiencing an ultimately fulfilled life.

It's All Tainted: Why We'll Never Be Perfect

The other day someone asked me as their pastor and counselor how they would know if they were going to do something for all the right reasons. I think she was shocked by my response when I said, "Well, I have bad news for you. You will never do anything in this life for all the right reasons. Neither will I. We're all tainted."

Now the rest of our discussion did include the fact that we can work on our motives and need God to help us keep the right perspective.

But I think most of us forget that even though we may be Christ followers and forgiven in God's eyes, we will always be human and our selfishness will always still creep in. It doesn't matter how long we've been a Christian or our chronological age. We won't ever have perfect motives, thoughts or attitudes.

We thankfully can get better.  We certainly don't need to stay the way we are. That's why we need the fellowship of other believers, the truth of the Scriptures and some spiritual discipline in our life. But we must always be aware that we can slip up, even in a big way.

And when we accept that truth we'll actually be better off.  Why?

First, we will pretend less because we no longer live according to an impossible goal that someday we will have things all together. Instead we can be honest about our failings and ask others to keep us accountable.

Second, we will live in less guilt because we know we can't be perfect now. We can strive for it but we'll never get there until Heaven.  And that's OK.

Third, we should be more on the alert knowing that we're always vulnerable and could really do the worst of things given the right circumstances.  Yes, Christ does make us new, but those changes take time and we must grow in our faith. There is always a chance we will slip up again.

So, if you've been subtly trying for some sort of perfect life, welcome to the real world. And remember you're among friends.

Don't Add to The Bumper Bowling Generation

For years bowling alleys have utilized a system to help youngsters still have fun when they try to bowl. They put these foam cushions or bumpers in each gutter so no matter where the child rolls the ball it will at least go down the alley and hit a few pins and not end up in the channel.

And for those purposes it was and is a great idea. Most of those kids would never hit any pins the whole time if it weren't for the bumpers.

Unfortunately, our society seems to want kids to live all of life that way, with bumpers everywhere so they always succeed, never really lose and avoid most of life's disappointments. All the kids get trophies, ribbons and "good job" comments no matter how they perform.  In many ways we've almost removed disappointment, hard work and healthy competition from everyday life for kids, something that simply isn't true in the real world.

So should we go to the other extreme and just make every activity, sport and class tough, raw and ultimately may the best kid win?  Probably not. But there is a place for balance and letting our children experience life more the way it truly is and will be when they are older.

The benefits are important.  For example, kids need to learn to lose. They will not always be first, number one or get a trophy. Sometimes you give your best and someone else is better. That's OK and normal is the lesson we can teach here. We can show them how to lose graciously and as a good sport in the process. But what's the value in going over and shaking hands or telling the other team they did great when nobody won and it's pretty easy to do and say?

Second, losing can help increase their motivation to do better. Who wants to try harder when the result next week will be the same?  "I will get a prize whether I work hard or not. Everyone will think I'm wonderful even if I don't care and don't try."  And so they look for another "bumper" from mom and dad or the coaches to just make them feel good again for trying.

Third, facing hardships grows our inner strength.  In the Bible, God rarely took people around problems.  Instead he made them, including Jesus, go through them,. God knows that we learn to trust Him more not our abilities when we struggle, face problems and have to overcome obstacles.  Let's face it many of us face more struggle than victories in life anyway.  Now's the time to prepare them to still have joy and peace in the middle of our challenges.

So yes, we need to encourage our children and not make expectations so high they become exasperated as the Bible points out. But we also need to let them fail, make a mistake and not be the winner every time. And if we do, they will "win" in the biggest challenge of all, being the person of character and integrity God wanted them to be all along.

The Best Defense Isn't Usually Helpful in Marriage

If you follow sports at all you know that sometimes great defense wins games. Stopping the other person from scoring points or goals is often what helps the offense the most.

But in marriage defensive responding is rarely helpful. Playing defense usually means several things happen often in a marriage: one or both spouses rarely think they are wrong, neither are willing to look at their own issues and most conflict ends in stalemates, hurt and anger.

And yet many couples go to defensiveness immediately when they feel threatened or there is a chance they are wrong. Rather than explore how they might have hurt or let the other person down, they frantically hope to make their case for themselves.

For some this reaction came from their childhood where they were often told they were wrong or could never measure up. For others they're just competitive and always want to win.  Whatever the cause, playing defense has to go in a marriage. That doesn't mean that there is never a place for explaining yourself or getting the facts straight.

But let's walk through the process that a defensive spouse often faces and find a better way.

First, they hear something that potentially makes them look bad, have to admit an error or lack of judgment. That usually causes anger, panic or despair to well up within so they must do something to fight back.

Second, they begin to explain away their action, hoping to convince the other person that they aren't so bad or didn't do anything wrong.

Third, the other person continues to make their point. The arguing continues and both now try to win the battle.  They're playing defense and as a reult become offensive.  This never works.

The answer?  Don't explain, explore. Be willing to ask the other person how what you did made them feel and what you could have done differently. This isn't an admission of guilt. It's an acceptance of your own mistake and an understanding that your worth is not on the the line (See other posts I've written on this.).

Play more appropriate offense where you work at trying to understand and restore the relationship.

You see a great defense never wins the marriage game.

In Which Part of the Pie Is Your Family's Faith?

There are millions of people in our country and around the world who would say they are people of faith, Christians, who would consider their relationship with God important. They attend church fairly regularly, take their kids to the programs and activities, probably read their Bible some and may even attend a small group or Bible study.

They probably pray with their family at meal times (if they eat together) and even give something financially or of their time to God's work.

But even so, their faith, religion of sorts, and relationship with God may still be tucked away somewhere rather than the central, motivating influence for most all they do or think. It's like a pie.

In many cases, people make their relationship with God just one of many pieces of a pie. There's the work piece, activities piece, child piece, vacation piece, leisure piece, hobby piece, etc. and then there's also the God/Jesus piece. Faith gets one sixth, eighth or tenth but their faith rarely strays into the other areas of life. It's as though church on the weekend or time with God is just another thing to get done in a busy week.

They don't live a life for or with Christ. They just live one that includes Him when there is time. Their faith doesn't really impact those other pieces most of the time.

I'd like to suggest that if we're going to follow Jesus and live for God that the pie has to look differently.  Instead of our faith being one piece it needs to be the CENTER of the pie.  When God is in the middle then He impacts everything. We take him to work, to our parenting, to our goalsetting, to our bedroom, to our giving and to all of life.

And our kids begin to see in us someone living a life that is truly Christ-centered, focused on things that matter.

You see, let me be brutally honest here.  Many Christian homes are no different than their secular counterparts except for the fact that they go to church now and then. The moms and dads and the kids are for the most part doing and experiencing the same things their friends are who don't know Christ. Something is wrong. And it may be due to the fact that Jesus is just a piece of the pie not the center of it.

Will you and your family be different?  It may be hard but it will be for the best for you and the people who are impacted by you. Jesus told us to take up our cross and follow. And I think that means he needs to be in the center.

Be Careful: Your Obedience Can Become Obsession

I don't typically write "theological" or Christian walk posts on this blog because my purpose is to focus on very practical ideas that will help marriages and families. However, I feel compelled to write one that I'm confident will impact at least the spiritual training and modeling we do for our children.

I've noticed over the years that many well-meaning people turn their Christ-following (or at least that is what they would term it) into a kind of legalistic, this-is-how-you-do-it way of life and set of personal practices.

For example, there are people who are devoted students of the Bible who attend Bible studies and the pages of their Scriptures are filled with notes and underlining. However, they think that every teaching or preaching of the Word must then be verse by verse and dig deeply into the Greek or Hebrew or it's not good teachng.  They snub their noses at those who attend those easy studies and groups.

They can probably tell you the outlines to the books of Romans and Ephesians. The problem is their marriages are often shallow or falling apart and their kids are a mess. They spend little time applying the Scriptures to life. They just obsess about how many details they know and can spout off about them.

Others obsess about their personal spiritual habits - how much they fast, how often they attend church, their prayer time or how much they give. All those are wonderful and potentially lifechanging spiritual practices but we're told often in Scripture that the goal of any of our habits and obedience must be that Christ increase and we decrease, that God be glorified in us.

Even the more current phrases like being missional or spiritual formation can become someone's book theme that now tells us just the way those words should be lived out in a home, community or church. The message seems to be . . . you know, our church has finally figured out how to do this thing called being a Christian and the rest of you are probably doing it wrong.

Of course, we ought to learn from the wisdom and experiences of others. And many times people who have gone before us do have ideas, concepts and other insights that can help us or our family grow. But be careful that what was supposed to be simple obedience to Christ in us or others doesn't turn into simply another form of works that God clearly told us would never get us to God or ultimately please Him if it was only for our own benefit. There is a better way. Just follow Jesus.

Modeling REAL Christianity At Your House

I was recently told on Facebook for at least the hundredth time that I would finally be a real Christian if I would click that I liked their post. Wow, if I'd only known it was that easy years ago. I hope no one actually believes that authentic faith is so simple but apparently some do.

It sure isn't at home. In fact I wonder how many of us have taken inventory lately of our closest relationships to see just how real our faith is where we live. While there's no one right answer let me suggest a few helpful questions to use in your exploration.

First, are you honest?  No, I don't mean do you overtly lie or not? Instead, do you openly talk about your weaknesses, faults, temptations and mistakes?  In some Christian homes, being near-perfect is the goal and the image that adults especially try to portray. And yet, most of the heroes of the faith in the Bible were people who struggled much of the time and were open about their humanity.  Why would we model anything different?

Second, where do you turn in the hard times? Our spouses and children will learn much about trusting God if we show them what it's like to look to Him when things aren't going well.  When they see us overtly ask God for wisdom, strength and courage they can see that God really is our source of hope. Difficulties don't develop the character of our homes as much as they reveal it.

Third, do your values at home reflect your faith?  Do you as a family or couple hoard most of what you have or freely share it? Is your home a place where visitors, neighbors, friends and those in need are welcomed. Are you looking for opportunities to serve others or to just get more for you? How do you spend the majority of your time?  What do you imply is most important at your house?

We were far from perfect at this but I'm thankful for the times in our house when we went next door with cookies at holidays, invited people from other countries to join us for meals and were as generous as we could be with our tithes and offerings.  We put a limit on extra activities so that we weren't just running around non-stop every day.  And watching our kids today freely serve God with their resources and talents makes those choices worthwhile.

Finally, are you growing closer to God or just learning more about Him?  Too many people are into more knowledge about the Bible, the details of Christ's life and even end - times scenarios than they are about growing their relationship with their Lord. Knowledge has its place but don't fall into the trap of worshiping the wrong thing or person.  Real faith is grounded in a relationship not a routine.

Somehow it's questions like us stay focused on real Christian faith, not what we say because we're supposed to or do because everyone else does. If our faith in Christ is truly genuine, then there will be a pervasive authenticity in our life, where trusting God is simply the norm, where it's what we do and who we are when no one else is looking.

So take inventory and be a real Christian today whether any of your friends hear about it or not!

Don't Just Look Like The Real Thing

I'm likely going to get into trouble here but I don't see the point of soft drinks like Coke Zero.  Seems to me it's just colored, carbonated water without the good stuff.  But OK, if you like it, go for it.

However, I wonder if sometimes our marriage and family relationships just look fine, but like diet beverages are missing the good stuff.  For example, if a husband and wife get along pretty well, don't fight much, and are generally problem-free, does that mean their relationship is great?  Not necessarily.

Or if our kids get good grades, have friends, enjoy lots of outside activities and don't balk too much about going to church, does that mean we really have a healthy relationship with them?  Maybe not.

Great relationships require several important elements.  First of all, honesty.  The Bible tells us to speak the truth in love, so I'm not suggesting that we be rude, brash or insensitive in our truth-telling.  However, we get closest together when we're vulnerable, open and blatantly candid with each other.  Do people in your home talk about things that really matter, about what's bothering them as well as their joys?  Is there an atmosphere at your house that fosters that kind of openness?

Second, great connections focus on the important things. We often get caught up in just being busy, doing one more thing, trying to keep up with others and the like and miss the little, but important activities that make lifelong memories.  I wonder if we'll look back and be glad that we spent so many hours watching our kids do things and so little time engaging WITH them in everyday activities.  I doubt it. 

I remember a story of a teacher who brought a large glass container into class and started placing large rocks into it putting as many in as possible.  He then asked the class if the container was full.  They of course said yes.  Then he took some pea gravel and poured it all around the big rocks.  He asked again, "Is the jar full now?"  To which they agreed, "Sure, now it is."  He then took and added sand until no more would fit.  The students now decided it was truly full.

But the teacher then poured water in until it ran over the top.  "Is it full now?"  the teacher asked.  "Yes," the students said. And the teacher finally agreed.  Now he asked, "What's the point of this demonstration?"  One student immediately piped up and said, "You wanted to show us that while we don't think we can accomplish any more in our lives, if we'll just arrange things correctly we can always add more."

To which the teacher replied, "No, that's not my point at all.  I wanted to suggest that in life you have to put the big rocks in first.  If you don't all the other things will crowd out what's most important."

If we're going to enjoy all that God intended for us and our families then we must be sure we're putting the big rocks in first and not letting the tyranny of the urgent crowd them out.

What are the big rocks that you want in your marriage and family?  Do they get first priority? 

If honesty isn't a hallmark of your home and the big rocks really aren't what you give the most time and attention to you might now have the real thing . . . just something that looks like it.  And trust me,  it's just not as good.