Three Key Non-negotiables In A Healthy Marriage

Every marriage, every relationship has its uniquenesses. Some spouses are more active or outgoing than others. Some have no kids, others a couple, some a large brood. Some husbands and wives love the outdoors, sports or travel. Others can be happy at home, enjoying local family and not being too busy.

Those special differences make the world better and life rich. Each couple ought to enjoy the image in which it is made.

However, there are a handful of qualities in good marriages that need to flourish in every couple's portfolio if they're going to succeed and stay married 'til death do them part.

Let me suggest three.

They make quality, meaningful, interactive time for each other. This is time that is focused on them, not the kids or other family, not work or individual hobbies and not television or other entertainment simply done together.

Some of these times will be very informal, while others may be more serious. Leisure, fun and even errands can be done during these times but the key is that they emphasize being together. There are few distractions from other people, responsibilities or dissimilar interests.

They speak to each other (and yes even argue) with respect, kindness and avoiding contempt. Marriages that last are known not for sweet and syrupy conversation all the time, but rather a basic tone of voice and use of language that is never mean, disrespectful or unnecessarily hurtful.

Couples avoid demanding, derogatory name calling and shaming one another. They speak in the here and now without bringing up past mistakes to gain advantage or control. They also build each other up both in private and in front of others, never using humor or berating of the other with friends, family or acquaintances.

In fact couples would be wise to get some counseling or other practical help on how to communicate with one another more effectively. Check out my marriage videos at Marriage Videos.

They regularly talk about how they are doing as a married couple. In other words, they aren't afraid of evaluation. We usually take a mini-retreat every year to do just that. We have fun, go somewhere we both would enjoy (need not be expensive) and talk about both the past year and the one ahead of us. We actually take time at the end to pray over our goals and ideas.

You can do this any way that works for you but give it a try.

Of course there are more important keys to a great, effective, intimate marriage. But why not start with these three and see how you're doing? It's worth investing in one of the most important relationships you have and will ever have!

Why Your Marriage May Be Getting Stale Without You Knowing It

Have you ever headed to the refrigerator anticipating a cold drink of milk or juice, a crisp piece of fruit or a crunchy vegetable. Or maybe your more decadent taste buds were already salivating as you thought about that one piece of pie or other dessert still there.

But when you went to take that first drink or bite, you knew in an instant your choice was no good anymore. The delicious flavor had lost out to time. Nothing would save it and you threw it all away.

Things get stale, deteriorate if left alone, even in an environment designed to keep them fresh a little longer like a refrigerator. And so do marriages. Without attention, care and intentional feeding our relationship, though perhaps in a relatively healthy environment can become pungent and lose its flavor if we don't make caring for it a priority.

We get busy, focused on our kids or parents, run ragged at our job, overwhelmed by too many commitments and don't notice the deteriorating relationship with our spouse.

And if we don't stop and re-evaluate, shore up our time, intimacy and connecting as a couple, the results may approach being irreversible like that piece of fruit that has lost all its flavor and shape.

So what do we do to keep a marriage fresh?

Of course, there are hundreds of ideas that can help, some working for one couple, different ones being effective for others.

But let me repeat a few general guidelines:

Take inventory. Get away or take an evening or two now and then and admit how you're doing or not doing. Be honest. Ask each other, How do you think I've been doing as a spouse the last few months? Be lovingly ruthless and admit it if you've gotten distracted. Talk about what the two of you might work on to put some focus back on yourselves.

Add margin. You will never enrich your relationship if you don't make time for it. I can't tell you specifically what to do but I can pretty much guarantee that you'll need to cut something  -  attending so many kids' activities, not volunteering as much, letting go of some overtime, you decide. But it will be worth it. Is anything worth losing the most important relationship, apart from God, that you'll have in this life?

Do some planning together. Think about some things that you both would enjoy doing that you're not going to wait to do until after you retire. You can't do them all, but how about some of them?  A trip, weekend away, take a class, do a missions trip, a cruise, etc.

Marriages left alone don't stay healthy and vibrant. And we can't blame when they do on nature alone. It's our choice to keep our relationship strong, exciting and always growing. Check your marriage refrigerator often.  That can save you a lot of surprises and disappointments.

One of The Best Habits We Ever Put In Our Marriage

Most couples over time develop certain habits whether they like it or not. Some are helpful and enriching to their marriage, others annoying and some even destructive. Often most of their habits aren't even planned, they just happen.

Jackie and I have had our share in the above lists but there is one that I am thankful we were very intentional about from the very beginning of our marriage until today. No, we've not done it perfectly and there have been periods where it pretty much vanished for a time but its importance and pull have always brought us back to it.

I am confident that it has enhanced our communication, intimacy, planning for the future and ability to simply rest and enjoy some Sabbath in our busy weeks.

Our habit? We've made extended, focused time for each other. We have committed to a day, morning, evening or a combination where we put aside our regular schedule, plan something fun, go out to eat perhaps along the way and explore new places together. We usually have some sort of goal but the time is not typically programmed and we can always change things up last minute.

Sometimes the weather alters our course or we're just too tired. That's okay. We have enough margin during that time to not get flustered because our original plan didn't work out. We don't always go somewhere either. Sometimes we stay home, read, relax and watch movies or television that we didn't get to see earlier.

We try not to let other outside influences steal our time away either. We limit phone calls (I'm a pastor so sometimes there are emergencies), online efforts, housework and errands. We try to make sure we have time to talk, leaving room for heavier issues but not limiting ourselves to that. We laugh a lot and talk about non-work, non-people things rather than ministry.

And there is something about having a day that we know is out there waiting for us that makes challenging times a bit more tolerable.  We know that a reprieve is coming so we can take a little more pressure for a time if need be. And even if our getaway time gets robbed because of events we can't control it is so ingrained in us we gravitate to it immediately the next week.

I fear that many, if not most couples, in this 21st century, have relegated time for each other to we'll-do-that-when-we-get-time or once-the-kids-are-grown or some other fantasy-laden hope that will never happen. It's not that you can't afford to take time for each other. You can't afford NOT to have it. You'll have to make it happen even if it means letting go of something else.

Marriages don't deteriorate for no reason. They fail because we don't give them time, priority and intentionality. So don't wait!  Start somewhere. Maybe you can't give a whole day yet. Then find a couple of hours or a morning for starters.  But write it on your calendar.  Let you kids know you are working more at being together. You'll be modeling something for them to take into their marriage.

I'm pretty sure it will be a habit you're glad you started.  Try it.

Don't Miss The Warning Signs Before Marriage

John and Alice were so in love.  They couldn't wait to get married.  They'd known each other for a good while and everyone expected marriage was a given. They had a date planned for a wedding in about a year and were just beginning to put some details in place for their special day.

Nothing in their minds could keep them from committing to spend the rest of their lives together.

Sure there were a few things that irritated John. For one thing Alice spent nearly an hour every day on the phone with her mom. But they were probably also talking about wedding details so that didn't seem like a big deal.

He did notice that Alice's dad was pretty quiet and never said much but he was nice nonetheless and he and John's future mother-in-law seemed to get along well.

John did wonder from time to time about Alice's continued connection to an old boyfriend, but they just seemed to be good friends and John liked the guy too, so what was the big deal? Alice would often tell John that she wished he was a little more like Alex the former boyfriend, but she was just trying to help John, right?

But five years later, John began to wonder if he should have noticed some of Alice's tendencies, actions and habits. No, there would never be a perfect wife but had he missed some warning signs that would have told him about potential big problems later.

Because now, Alice continues to put more stock in her mother's views than his. Alice still sneaks around texting Alex, keeping their "friendship" going but not telling John. And to this day John has still never felt any respect or deep affection from Alice. She continues to belittle him about most everything and they have little intimacy of body, soul or spirit. He wonders if that's really the way her dad is.

When I deal with couples in marriage counseling, I have found (and so have they) that there were almost always signs during the dating phase of their relationship of potentially bad things to come.  But instead of talking about them, exploring more and even deciding not to marry the couples simply ignored the signs and hoped things would change or never show up at all.

Of course we must understand that we can never know our spouse completely when we marry. People change and so do circumstances. The covenant we make at the altar must endure beyond good feelings and be lived out through two imperfect people.

But there are warning signs that may also tell us this marriage shouldn't happen, that there are qualities, habits or attitudes in the other person or their family that will not help that marriage be a healthy and godly one. Do not ignore them.  You must explore them, talk through them with a qualified pastor or counselor and prayerfully consider whether the marriage will work and be fruitful.  A spouse who is not willing to look deeply within themselves is going to have trouble with honesty and authenticity later.

Some potential areas of concern to watch for are: unhealthy relationships or connections with parents or other family, unresolved abuse issues, strange marriage role perspectives, distorted views toward the opposite sex, unaddressed fear and anxiety concerns, distorted ideas concerning money, children or God.

So what does a person or couple do to avoid trouble later. First, take notice of the signs.  It may just start as a bad feeling but don't ignore it. Explore, get wisdom, find out more.

Second, talk about it with the other person.  Most of the time you need to get someone else involved who will help you both look honestly at your concern to determine if it's anything significant. This is why quality premarital counseling is essential!

Third, be willing to postpone your wedding or break up. There are far worse things one of them being sitting in an office like mine years later in despair with little hope knowing you made a big mistake and those hidden problems are now major problems for your relationship.

Marriage can be wonderful and it's always a growing, learning, giving and sacrificial commitment and covenant. But marriages with unrevealed disease and dysfunction are usually doomed to die a slow death. Don't miss the signs.  They're usually more obvious than you think.

Love: Sacrificial Acts, One At A Time

I was in a store the day before Valentine's Day and watched a harried businessman briskly walk in to buy a card. Since I was also getting one for my wife, he walked up right next to me to choose his. And he took all of twelve seconds to pick it out. Obviously, his feelings were really deep for his sweetheart.

OK, maybe he truly loves her and was feeling especially guilty and short on time. Nonetheless, the image of that man in a hurry to "love" reminded me that true love is really so much more. Our culture has often made love into something merely syrupy, temporary or sexy.

And yet if we're honest we know it's far greater than that. The book of I Corinthians places it the highest on its list with faith and hope.

And while no one can ever totally describe love maybe we can look at a few of its components to remind us of its richness and what we might want to model better this year in our homes.

Love is sacrificial. Anyone in a marriage or other relationship must never expect 50/50 relating. There are times when it's equal and both partners should learn to love well. But sacrifice means just that - we give up something. Sometimes we have to give totally because the other doesn't or is incapable of it for a time. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice of love for us as our example and got little in return from us.

Love is long-term. It's one thing to do a loving act a time or two, but it's far more to love over and over, year after year. Too many people go into marriage thinking there is an expiration date on their need to love. But real love lasts and endures through even the worst.

Love isn't selfish. Love isn't done for what we'll get in return, how we'll look or to have good feelings. Love totally focuses on another for their good. That means that sometimes we have to have tough love or set up boundaries with people. We do even those hard things because we love them.

Finally, love is God-directed. The Bible says that God is love so we need to get our strength and direction from the source. If we try to love on our own, we'll mess up. We won't sacrifice, last for long or we'll probably take the glory for ourselves.

So, as Valentine's Day for another year fades, don't let your love wane. Make it richer and stronger and more giving than ever. Love really is the glue that holds us all together.

Putting Protective Locks on Your Marriage

If you know me or regularly read my posts you know that I travel to Russia a good big.  I was there two weeks ago as a matter of fact. However, I saw something on a recent trip that I'd never seen before. On the Luzhov Bridge over a canal there are these "trees" of locks where newlyweds come a place their own lock on their wedding day.

I don't know all the symbolism behind them but they apparently come expressing their commitment to each other in one more way to each other.  I like that picture and the trees are pretty cool, too.

Perhaps more of us need to think about locks that we should place on our marriage commitment.  Yes, some will immediately think that locking one's marriage means confinement, authority and a lack of freedom but read on because that's not the goal at all.

A lock also implies protection. We put locks on our houses, safes and garages.  We lock our cars with special electrical systems. We lock the things that we care the most about.

So what might locks on a marriage look like. First, I think it means you lock out inappropriate relationships. That means men don't build deep friendships with other women and vice versa. The potential for deeper involvement is high and dangerous.  Intimacy should be reserved for your spouse.

It's also wise to lock out a schedule without margin. Too many couples and families simply have too little time for each other or for spontaneous time to just enjoy one another. We're married to our calendars, our outside activies, work and hobbies. We need moments when we can talk and just enjoy the many things and people in our lives.

We need to also lock in  spiritual growth and training. If we're honest there is more to life than stuff. There is a world around us, made by a Creator who longs to know us, live in us and show us our purpose here. If we're just busy and avoid the spiritual we miss what really makes us alive.

Finally, lock in serving others and not just ourselves. Teaching our kids to serve plus serving with our spouse provides new persepctive about life, what we have and what we don't need. It will help you build memories that will last a lifetime and change you in the process.

So perhaps you and your spouse need to go put a lock somewhere this weeek or weekend. Have a little ceremony reminding each other what you're committed to.  That way if you want to have a great marriage, it will be a lock!

The Power of a Great Response in Marriage

Bill came home one evening and said to his wife Marcy, "Hey, how about we go on a date this weekend? It's been awhile and I miss it just being the two of us." Marcy, feeling overwhelmed with a five-year-old and and a two-year-old, not to mention trying to work part-time, blurts back, "Oh sure, I can hardly think about how to get through tonight much less get ready for a date. That takes baby sitters and the ability to stay awake past nine o'clock."

Bill knows he might as well not continue the discussion or push for going out so he just heads for the television and drops the idea.

What was Bill's goal?  To make an emotional connection with his wife and show her some love and attention. Maybe his timing wasn't the best and perhaps this coming weekend wouldn't work well. But what if Marcy had simply said, "Wow, thanks for thinking of me and us. I'd love that. I'm just feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. Could we talk about another time in a day or two for a special date?"

So many discussions and even healthy arguments get shut down when the first type of response is made. When the spouse either turns away or turns against the other's attempt to connect (John Gottman's terms) the chances of future connection are diminished dramatically.

The reality is that when we get good at making a good first response that in some way turns toward the other person our chances for getting closer to each other are enhanced. As my second example showed, turning toward your mate doesn't mean agreeing or giving in or accepting the implications of the other's comments.  It simply suggests that we attempt our part of the connection by acknowledging their comments, listening in some way and responding.

Lisa says to Tom, "How 'bout we watch a video tonight while the kids are at their practices?" Many guys might ignore her request, pretend they didn't hear or say something like, "You know I don't like those sappy movies you always want to watch."  What will Lisa think the next time she wants to watch a video?  I'm not trying that again!

Instead, a thoughtful and caring response from Tom like, "Hey, we haven't done that for awhile. Is it your turn to pick one or mine?" could set the stage for a talk about movie preferences without pushing Lisa away.

So, if it seems like your attempts to connect with your spouse or vice versa are usually pretty rocky, take a shot at a better first response. It can make all the difference in the world.

How We Respond To Our Spouse Is A Gamechanger

Have you ever tried to get someone's attention?  The nurse at the hospital, the vendor at the game, the teller at the bank or a clerk in the department store? And isn't it horribly frustrating when they don't seem to notice you or give you that look like, "I really don't have time for you, right now?"

But isn't it refreshing when one of those same people gives you the sense that they want to do everything possible to help you, even if they are busy?

Husbands and wives can respond the same way. We each make attempts to emotionally connect with the other and wise couples learn how to acknowledge that desire, even if we have to put off the best of responses for the time being.

For example, Mike has been thinking all day about taking his wife out for breakfast the next weekend.  They've not had a mini-date for awhile, they've both been incredibly busy and while he's not the greatest planner Mike was hoping to make his wife Connie's day. So he calls her at lunch and says, "Hey, hon, how about we find a sitter for Ryan Saturday morning and go have a leisurely breakfast?"

To which Connie says, "Mike, are you kidding? No teenager is going to come babysit on Saturday morning and for Pete's sake, I don't have time to even eat breakfast at home, much less go sit somewhere and pretend to relax!"

As you can imagine, Mike is deflated and finds himself thinking, I won't be asking her to do that again.

On the other hand, Gina has been waiting all afternoon for Ron to get home from work to tell him about a vacation idea she has for the family. She works half days and has been determining how to use a little of her extra earnings to do something special. As Ron walks in, he grabs a beer out of the refrigerator.  Nonetheless, she asks him how his day was.  "Hard," he says and heads for the TV.

After giving him a few minutes to relax, Gina, however, suggests, "Hey, after dinner, I was wondering if we could talk about an idea I ran across for our vacation this summer."  As he takes a gulp of his Budweiser he manages an, "Uh-huh," and keeps watching ESPN. Gina is pretty sure their talk won't happen that night if ever.  Maybe I should have just never tried, she thinks.

In both cases, the spouse just wanted to connect with the other person about something meaningful and important to them. In the first case, Connie responded but totally missed Mike's intention. In the second, Ron simply avoided her reaching out. And the right answer in each scenario was not necessarily for each spouse to drop everything and agree.

Rather, they needed to respond, to affirm the other's good intentions and honor in some way their desire to relate on some deeper level.  They could have said something like, "Mike, I'd love to do breakfast or any meal with you. It's been a long time. I wonder if Saturday is the best time but let's talk about it."

Or, "Gina, thanks for checking into that for us. I don't know quite what a vacation will look like this year, but let's see what you've got. Maybe we can work it out."  Both responses say, "I value you and what you love, think and care about."

Whatever you do, acknowledge and affirm first. The rest of the discussion will depend on you and your circumstances. But the more you respond and don't deflect or defer, the more your spouse will come back for more.

"The Third Component of Marital Intimacy"

"Last night Bob and Cheryl were intimate." When you read that statement what do you think it refers to? Of course, most people would suggest that it means they had sex. Who wouldn't? But why is it we don't consider the possibility that they had a deep discussion or were praying together?

Because we've been programmed to think that intimacy is only physical. But instead sex is only one component of total intimacy in a marriage. It's an important component, something beautiful that God invented, but it's still only a portion of the true intimacy I've tried to describe in the last several posts.

Nonetheless, let me talk about some practical ways to enhance physical intimacy in a marriage. First of all, become more intimate in soul and spirit. You'll have to go back a post or two to get my practical thoughts on the first two. However, let me simply say for now that you'll grow your sexual relationship with your spouse if you'll grow together in your soul and spirit.

God made these three elements of intimacy to work together not separately. When I work with couples and they have sexual issues I'm pretty sure that there isn't anything wrong with them physically. Of course it's always important to make sure the physical checks out. See your doctor to make sure.

But most likely there isn't a physical problem. It's typically a soul and spirit problem. Couples wonder why their romance has waned and often it's because they've become more distant personally. They rarely talk about meaningful things and most likely their spiritual enthusiasm is gone as well.

However, when two people begin to get closer together emotionally they want to be together more physically. That's why people of the opposite sex who aren't married have to be careful that they don't connect emotionally on a very deep level. It can draw them together in other inappropriate ways.

Second, keep romance interesting and creative. It will take some time but plan times away, try some new things and get out of old and tired habits. There are excellent and tasteful books out there that can give you fun ideas for dates and getaways. Write each other a love letter, go on a special date now and then and attend a marriage conference that will breathe some new life into your relationship.

Third, monitor your lifestyle. Fatigue, burnout and busyness are pretty ruthless killers of physical intimacy. It just becomes too much work to try anymore. In fact fatigue can wipe out many components of a healthy marriage such as communication so do some evaluation now and figure out to give yourselves some margin. Try turning off the TV more too.

Fourth, talk about it. Yes, talk about your intimacy, lack of it, or ways to improve. Be gracious, not condemning. Be honest, but sensitive. Express your desires, but don't be demanding.

The book of Song of Solomon seems to suggest that God invented sex and thinks it's pretty special. So let's give our physical relationships with our spouse that same kind of intention and attention. If we do, then along with spirit and soul intimacy, we'll enjoy the perfect triad of marital intimacy.

Making It 30 Years and Beyond - Time Together

Yesterday was our thirty-third anniversary. Periodically, I'll joke with Jackie and say something like, "And they've been thirty of the happiest years of my life." And she'll typically respond with, "And which three years weren't happy?"

Of course, there really weren't three miserable years although I know that's not true for everyone. But there have been hard times, bad days and moments when marriage wasn't so much fun. We're far from perfect and I certainly got the better part of the deal on June 26, 1976. I married way above my pay grade!

But as I look back on more than three decades of marriage and the fact that we've been married longer than we were single, I can't help but reflect on some of the things that have helped us stay married this long. And yes, we're all different, so how you live out these principles and practical helps will likely differ from us. However, as you read the next several posts see if any of them might be helpful in keeping your marriage going "until death do us part."

First, we have made time for us a priority. Even before we had children we had dates, regular lunches together, and activities that we both enjoyed. Over the years we've had to take time to discover some new things we would both enjoy or one of us had to learn a little more about the other's areas of interest. Nonetheless, the effort was worth it.

The good thing is that both husband and wife do not have to enjoy a particular activity to the same degree to spend time at it with each other. For example, I love the mountains and have since I was a kid. But as my kids got older I committed to climb some 14ers (14,000 foot peaks) with them and as a result have done several with both Amy and Tim individually and one with them together just a few years ago.

Jackie, however, wasn't too interested in summitting bigger mountains but she's learned to love to hike. Interestingly, she actually did climb a 14er a few years ago and I'm very proud of her for that. But most of the time, even here in the hill country of Texas, she and I just enjoy hiking, some of it challenging, some of it not. We do that together on a regular basis. So while, yes, at times we enjoy the mountains in different ways according to our interests and abilities, we can also enjoy part of the experience together.

We've had a regular day of the week during all of my ministry years that was just ours because ministry involves weekend time so much. And we had this while our kids were in the house as well. When they were little and we didn't have a lot of money (we still don't have a lot!) we would trade Saturday mornings with another couple so every other Saturday we could have time to ourselves while they watched our kids and vice versa.

Finding time together is possible and the sooner you start that practice the better. Yes, there will be seasons when having couple time will be harder than others. But don't let those times allow your time together habit to simply vanish. Fight for it, model it to your children, cherish it. Time together allows you to talk, to share your struggles, to appreciate each other and to grow emotionally, spiritually and mentally.

And when your children are grown and out of the house as ours are now, you will hit the ground running and enjoy being together even more.

More tips next time.