Five Essential Things To Ramp Up At Home Next Year

Okay so very few of us ever follows through on a New Year's resolution. But maybe if we put our minds to it we could actually make a change or two over the long haul. Let me actually suggest five areas to work on to take your home to a higher plane this year.

First, spend more time with your spouse. The number one reason couples struggle is because they don't act like friends much anymore. And remember when you were dating you had little trouble spend huge amounts of time together. While you were busy very little got in the way of your time together. That has likely changed big time. Make time again for each other.

Second, make more memories that involve your whole family. Make spending time doing fun,  unique and even giving things that you do together. We spend way too much time in the car and in the stands merely watching each other but not engaged with one another. There are lots of possibilities out there that you've never considered.

Plan some special events and try not to make them all activity or entertainment oriented.

Third, teach your kids skills they will need in the future. Do they know how to do the laundry, iron clothes, organize their lives and balance a bank account (check book for some)?  Many do not know these basics and enter marriage without these and other fundamental skills that would benefit them in major ways once they are out on their own. Add your own additional items, especially ones that you are particularly good at.

Fourth, go back and review some of your family highlights. This could be easily done by going back and looking at old photos or videos. Most of us have countless pics somewhere that we haven't seen again ever or at least for a long time. You'll have some laughs and enjoy some wonderful memories that you don't want to lose.

Finally, go serve someone else. Find a shelter, nursing home, neighbor in need or whoever where  you could serve not just once but all year long. Figure out where you could build some relationships with people you don't know but will get to know over time. Your family will never be the same and you'll add a memory and experience.

So don't make resolutions but consider starting some new ways of living that aren't that hard but will likely last you far longer than your last promise to lose weight, exercise more or save money. And the investment will even have eternal dividends. Enjoy.

When Selfish Isn't Sinful

Anna is a mom of two normal, healthy, fun-loving, busy kids. She and her husband Al do quite well at sharing the responsibilities of providing, taxiing, feeding and who knows what else that children and family need every day.

But the end of each day arrives and they usually have just enough energy to plop in front of the television for thirty minutes and even then one of them is usually nodding off before the program ends. They look forward to weekends but there are games, church and special events to attend and participate in that seem to never end.

They both long for some time together, even a little alone time when their tanks aren't empty. They know that parenting and marriage both require sacrifice and often feel guilty for wanting more. Their parents sacrificed for them. Shouldn't they do the same for their kids? They know that someday when the kids are older they'll be able to focus on each other and maybe even start a new job or hobby that just has to wait for now.

Sound like you? Struggle with the same feelings? Wondering when you're going to get a break? Is being a little selfish, getting some time for yourself or your marriage always in your mind selfish and about ME?

I don't think so. And apparently Jesus didn't either. He took time to be alone, to walk, to rest his physical body (of course He was God otherwise).  He wasn't always with people, there for everyone and meeting needs 24/7.

There are some reasons why we too need to follow His example.

First, if we have little in our tank emotionally then we'll have little left for others. We'll get angry more, skim on the most important things and not give our kids and spouses our best.

Second, we'll be more likely to do something we would never do otherwise. We'll blow up at a coworker, have an affair, emotional or otherwise, or make a stupid decision. We're hurting, empty and longing for a little relief and sometimes we'll do anything for a cup of cold water in the desert.

Third, we need to be reminded of our limits. No one can be there for everyone. There is only so much time in our day, so many emotions in our reserve, so much energy in these bodies we have.

So what do we do?

Accept that you are not being selfish when you add rest and refreshing to your life, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Second, incorporate some you time into your day. It may start with only a few minutes but start somewhere. Try a walk, find time to think, read, meditate, pray, just unwind. If you're married include some regular time with your spouse. Require your kids to give you that time if they are old enough (and most are if you work at it with them).

Third, make slowing down more of a priority in your family. No, we don't need to do all the things everyone else is doing. No, we don't need to be in all the clubs, sports and special programs that the neighborhood crowd has embraced. There are more important things. Focus on those.

When you start re-filling your reservoir you'll discover you actually have more to give and enjoy. And by the way, that's how God intended us to live in the first place.

Five Things Couples Will Wish They'd Done Before Retiring

I'll never forget a wonderful pastor who Jackie and I learned so much from. He led a vibrant congregation as a teacher and leader for many years, looking forward as he said publicly to traveling a lot more with his wife after they retired around his sixty-fifth birthday. All seemed to be working according to plan as he bid farewell to his church except for one thing.

He died within a year.

All those plans to travel, spend time with each other and enjoy life were over, at least for the two of them. Sadly, many couples also put off until later opportunities, dreams and special hopes that didn't have to wait.

Let me suggest five things to try now that you would can include now in your marriage,and family life that you'll be glad you did even if you do live long beyond your retirement plans.

Travel together. Yes, like our pastor friend, travel plans don't always happen as we get older. Of course his death was the major reason he missed out but there are other inhibitors. Less money, health and other family responsibilities are three that often keep our big plans from happening in our later years.

Save more.  We live in a spend it when you have it culture. We're all about having the new, latest thing now. But someday you're going to wish you had saved some of what you spent on long-gone thrills and new technological advances to have extra resources that you can use for those days when it's time to work less and enjoy other things more.

Have more spontaneous fun. When is the last time you and your spouse or family did something unplanned just because it made you happy?  So much of family life today is scheduled, centered around the sports, school calendar or rehearsal schedule with little time to just enjoy one another. Take regular time to merely BE, to do things that make you laugh, that have no great purpose other than to re-fill your tank and take some of the stress out of life.

Share a bigger mission or purpose together. Over the years our hearts have been turned to loving, serving and helping the Russian church. Jackie and I have traveled there together, had Russian friends in our home and shared our resources. Your purpose can be local or far away, but there is something uniting and fulfilling about a bigger goal that you and your family embrace together. Don't wait.

Get to know your adult children as adults. So often we move far away (as we did for a while) and don't have the same amount of time to spend with them. If that's the case make sure you invest in ways to  help you get near them as much as you can. The computer makes connecting easier from a distance. And when you're together, make some memories.  Of course your children and their family responsibilities will place parameters on how much time you have but don't just sit back and hope you can get together. Suggest options, take time alone with grandkids if you can and plan some special things now and then.

You see, from someone who's there right now, you're going to face a day when you'll be asking this question: Did we do the things we wanted to do in life while we could still do them?  I'm thankful that we can say we did a lot of them. Thankfully, we seem to still have time and good health to do more of them. But I'm SO glad we didn't wait.

Embrace The Joy At Home

Jackie and I just spent a week watching our three Lubbock grandboys, ages 1, 3 and 5. Ok, so we're exhausted, but it was great fun. The boys were boys but behaved wonderfully the whole time. Their parents have obviously done a lot right. Sure we had our moments and wondered how mom and dad actually keep up with the constant questions, activity and neediness that normal kids that age expend.

Sometimes we'd get them all into bed and quiet at night and we would just collapse.

And I was reminded of when we were those parents and had the daily, non-stop responsibility for our two. How did we do it?  I'm not sure other than by the grace of God.

But I wonder how many parents under the pressures of parenting their little ones, saying "no" fifty times a day and being worn out much of the time also miss the little joys along the way. Perhaps we need to laugh and giggle a little more in the middle of our kids immaturity, challenges and being prone to look at themselves first.

One day, Silas, the three-year-old, was jumping on the couch. So I said, "Silas, don't jump on the couch please."  To which he responded, "Don't watch me do it." It took everything I had in me at the time to not laugh and unintentionally condone his actions, but inside I was cracking up. Somehow there was joy in seeing that little mind at work.

Joy came when we picked out and then carved our not so exotic pumpkins. And more joy arrived the next morning when we got up in the dark and had lit the pumpkins for them in the dark. Joy came when they rode the swing or their scooters with all their might grinning from ear to ear.

Joy showed up when they got their favorite donut with sprinkles or made a simple tower out of blocks. Joy was there when the oldest began to read words he never thought he could read.

All those little things could have been missed if we'd only focused on the BIG stuff or been too busy being productive. 

And remember joy doesn't only come in the good moments.  Joy isn't just another version of being happy. Joy can also be the feeling we have when we see something great, some work of God, some specialness in the difficult times when life isn't going as we'd hoped. We can bring some joy to our kids when we love them anyway when they've messed up.

We can exude joy when we teach our kids important lessons through their mistakes. We can have joy when we see those little bodies and minds attach themselves to new little learning moments or special times that don't require a lot of fanfare, money or fame.

Find some joy at your house even if times are tough. It's there if we'll look for it.

The Gifts I'd Most Like Again: They Can't Be Bought

I can think of all sorts of special gifts I've received down through the years. Of course, like most of us, I got most of them when I was a kid. I'll never forget the electric train cars, sports equipment, electronic games (yes, there were a few when I was young), the cool clothes (at least I thought they were), a special Bible or book and a host of other gifts that I longed for so badly.

We all had that present, too, that our parents gave us last that we knew was the big gift. But there are very few of those that I want again now. In fact, I really don't long for any of them.

But there are a lot of gifts I wish I could enjoy again that I simply won't ever have. And they remind me and I hope you that we need to cherish similar gifts now while we still have them. It's so easy to just rush through the most special moments of all because we're wrapped up in the tyranny of the urgent or trying to do it all when only a few things matter.

For example I wish that I could again have:

My kids be little again for even an hour.
My wedding day with my young bride.
A morning with my dad or father-in-law.
A moment or two or a cup of coffee with some of my childhood heroes and mentors.
A Christmas as a young kid with my mom, dad, sister and any other relatives who decided to show up that day.
A game of basketball or catch with my teenage son.
A weekend back at college with my good buddies.
A date with my daughter in elementary school.
A school program, sporting event or awards ceremony.
An evening with our whole family at home together.
A day of playing baseball with my neighborhood friends.
A morning with my church friends from a bunch of years ago.
A snow day.
My first climb of a fourteener in Colorado.
The day our son or daughter or grandsons were born.
A conversation with Al or Don or one of many other friends now in Heaven.
A family vacation.

My list could be much longer. In fact, I'll probably put a more extended one together just for me. The problem with doing it now is that every entry brings tears to my eyes both of joy and sadness.

So what's the point? It's pretty simple. Enjoy every special moment now. Savor them. Slow down. Be thankful. Don't rush them and please don't wish them away even though some of these moments came with pain, hardship or challenge. Some of us still have these moments in front of us. Watch for them. Be ready. Relish every one.

We live such faced-paced, driven lives it's easier and easier to miss the great moments because of the quantity of mediocre ones.

They are still gifts. All of them. Gifts you'll someday wish you could have again.

Living in the One Percent

I've had the opportunity to stand on nine or ten summits over 14,000 feet in my life. I've been blessed to travel to Russia fifteen times and another trip is on the horizon. I've hiked for days near the Matterhorn, one of the most beautiful mountains in the world. I got to take a zipline from next to the Great Wall of China across a lake flying hundreds of feet in the air.

And in each of these scenarios and others like them I wondered to myself:  What percentage of people in the world have done this or been here? And of course I don't know the amount but I'm pretty sure it's quite small, less than one percent.  I remember thinking, "I am so fortunate to be here because very few have experienced this."

But I also know this . . . those moments were some of the most alive times in my life. Most of them required sacrifice, hardship, pain and/or fear but they were worth it. They were opportunities that the majority of other people either couldn't or wouldn't take advantage of because in many cases they were too busy doing what everyone else does.

Is that you  and your family too?  Just accomplishing a lot of great things but doing what most other people do every day. Are you just a clone in a busy culture but with little uniqueness of your own?

And before you think I was just off doing special adventures let me explain what led to the above activities. The mountains were largely climbed with one or more of my kids or my wife. They were special family moments we would never forget.

The trips to Russia have been to teach, help, encourage and train others in ministry, to help them more effectively share their Christian faith with their people. The Matterhorn trip was a twenty-fifth wedding anniversary trip with Jackie and the Great Wall opportunity was part of a trip to see our daughter and son-in-law serving God in China.

REMEMBER: If you want your one percent choices to be extra special do something that involves things that truly matter - ministry, family and helping others.

It is so easy to just coast through life making money, getting stuff and trying to just be happy. But living in the one percent is more about finding joy, giving things away and discovering that the things that are worth the most actually cost the least in everyday terms. You don't need dollars, pesos, rubles or Euros to buy them.  But you do have to plan them, look for them, pray about them and be intentional about living life differently from the masses.

Look for a cause, a mission, a neighbor to help. Find an adventure that your family will never forget and yet which teaches eternal truths and makes a lifelong difference in someone. And when you do you will find that your life is alive in a way you've rarely experienced before and you will never go back.

Start now.

Teaching Our Kids To Value The Right Things

I remember when a number of years ago now a friend's home went up in flames. One moment he and his family had a beautiful home, minutes later it was ashes. They lost most everything except their lives.  However, I remember his comments when I among others arrived there to see if we could do anything.

He said,  "Well, it's just stuff."  And he was right. Yes, he and his wife went through some emotional challenges losing so much in one night. But I think his faith in God reminded him that the most valuable things he had not lost that night. The rest was just stuff.

It's replaceable and temporary. It's really not what makes us happy.

But I'm pretty sure that most of us, even with the best of intentions, put way too much value and focus on what we have - our home, cars, equipment, special objects and other things of value. We say they don't matter that much but deep down they count for more than most of us would admit. If we're honest we know it would be hard to live as happily without those luxuries, comforts and things we so often take for granted.

How can we learn to live more with a stuff-less mentality and a focus on the eternal while modeling a less is more way of life?

First, I think it helps to cut back drastically.  No, I'm not suggesting go live under a bridge but cutting back could include getting a smaller home, selling a big ticket item, dropping one of our big vacations or just spending less on things we don't need.  How about saying, It still works so why buy another one?

Second, get more intentional about giving resources away.  And not just money though that counts. Give away your time, a car, clothing and whatever else could be used to help someone else.  Think about a Christmas where everyone gets one small gift and the rest of your normal spending goes to help others.

Third, try going and serving somewhere.  This goes along with sharing resources, but you will also have sweat, tears and relationship in the game.  You will actually go and care for someone yourself and not just give them money. You will become friends with someone likely outside of your social strata and become personally involved. And your kids will remember those interactions forever.

There are lots more ideas.  You can come up with your own.  But whatever you do, find ways to involve your family in activities and practices that will take their eyes off of things and give them new eyes for loving people and valuing things . . . the way Jesus did.

 

Lunch In a Brown Paper Bag

Recently I heard a young man interviewed who had at one time been homeless. A women and her family, however, took him in, loved on him, provided for him and he has become a successful, caring person in his own right.

However, during the interview he mentioned that at one point his new "mom" asked him if he wanted lunch money for the day. But he responded, "No, what I'd really like is to have my lunch in a brown paper bag."  When the woman asked why he said, "Because if you have your lunch in a paper bag people know there's someone at home who cares about you.

What a powerful picture of the longing we all have for someone to be at home who cares about us!

And often it's those little things that go missing even in apparently successful, together and happy families. We can get so busy that we stop doing things that make our family members feel like we really care. Let me suggest a few brown paper bag things we might ask ourselves if we're doing to make home feel like home:

Tuck your kids in at night. Sure kids get older and the "tuck" begins to look different. But a touch, a word, a quick talk, a hug, a prayer . . . can always be fit in somewhere no matter the age of the child. Don't just let your kids head off to bed without some kind of connection with you.

Have meals around a table. Yes, we're busy and can't always eat together but a home where there is rarely a table time for the family will likely become a struggling family at least relationally. And if the TV's always on during meals turn it off and talk to each other. Find at least a few meal times each week where you sit down and interact.

Attend each other's events some of the time. So often kids begin to think that they are the center of the family universe and rarely see what others in the family do. So when you can have the kids support each other's activities and celebrate the uniqueness of each one. And if mom and dad do something special go see that too.

Make some personal time with each person. And no, sitting in the stands watching their game or practice is not personal time. Go on a date, to a concert, fishing, hiking, something that puts you face to face without interruption. Cell phones should be on vibrate and in a pocket. Enjoy each other - period.

I'm sure you can think of many more ideas that will make those in your family feel like someone at home loves them. Think of some more and then start making those sandwiches.

Championing, Not Lamenting Our Differences

I was privileged to attend an NCAA basketball tournament game this week watching one of my favorite teams from another part of the country play in my current hometown. And because we had very good seats I got to see the players up close and personal most of the time.

However, I was reminded that not every player has the same responsibilities. I saw the shooters hitting short and long jump shots. Others spent most of their time dribbling and passing off to others while some played a lot of minutes and didn't score a point.

They had different abilities, styles and roles in getting the win. The same will always be true in families - husbands, wives and kids. They're all different. Their roles will not be identical nor will their abilities or personalities be alike.

Unfortunately many spouses and parents bemoan the differences in one another or at best refuse to account for them. They want all their kids to be athletes or musicians. They expect their happy-go-lucky spouse to be as ordered and meticulous as they are. We often don't realize that God actually knew what He was doing when he made us unique at least in part so that we might complement one another and fill in for many of our weaknesses.

So what would it look like for us to be champions for our family differences as opposed to critics. First, we would bless one another by speaking to those uniquenesses. "Mark, one of the things mom and I appreciate about you is that you love doing things really well. Sometimes, you can overdo it but you know most of the time you actually help the rest of us do better."

Or, "Honey, I so value that you love being around people. If it weren't for you I wouldn't have a social life and I know we need that. Thank you for planning so many great things even though there are times we disagree and have to work through what's realistic."  Get the idea?

Second, we would let go of the "my kids have to" mentality. Sure, if we see potential then it's realistic to make sure we give them opportunities to learn to blossom. But too many kids are being pushed into sports, music lessons and other activities that have long shown to have not aptitude or interest in them.  As a result our family is just busier and if you're married, you and your spouse merely spend more time on the road and in the stands accomplishing little.

Third, we would enjoy the unique things that each person does and naturally talk about and applaud them. You'll celebrate that mom went back to school, that John isn't an athlete but loves serving at an old folks home and that your daughter loves debate and not cheerleading.

Aa a result you will likely have more margin in your home for rest, quiet and relaxation because you're not trying to have everyone do everything. And that is worth a fortune. 

When Does A Parent Let A Child Quit?

Our son was in the 7th grade and wanted to quit band. He played the trumpet and from what we could tell was pretty good and had some potential. However, we also didn't want to be the pushy parents who made a child do something they both hated and would ultimately resent.

Been there? Sure, most parents come to these crossroads with sports, piano playing, art lessons or some other potentially enriching activity for a child wondering just when to pull the plug on their involvement when they object.

I remember wanting to quit my lessons as a kid when they became too hard and my parents simply said, "Right, over our dead bodies.  We've spent too much for you to quit now."  As tough as that sounds I'm glad they didn't allow me to stop since I've used and enjoyed my musical background most of my life in some way.

So what does a parent do in those situations?

First, it always helps to consider a planned, strategic trial period. That means that you and your child agree that you're going to try if for another marking period, few months, summer, etc.  However, during that time you have to be assured that you get their best or the deal is off and they will just have to stay at it.

Second, you might also try some options. With our son, he had done a significant trial period in band so we gave him a choice.  He could either stay in band or would have to take private lessons for the next semester.  Then we would evaluate whether he would continue either of those or just stop.  The lessons option, however, required that he still give playing the trumpet a significant shot before we just dumped it.

Third, be sure to listen to your kids about their feelings.  No, most young kids don't have the maturity to decide on their own whether an activity or training should be stopped or not but their feelings are real.  We're glad we listened to Tim because there were some genuine concerns he had that we needed to know about and we were able over the next year to help him navigate a good course rather than a destructive one.

Too many parents are pushing their kids to do what the parents want and end up injuring their child physically, emotionally or intellectually because they didn't listen to the child at all.

So, as you come to those watershed moments, don't just cave in or push insensitively.  Be the parent but be sure that you walk alongside your child and make good decisions together.  Because like us the results can be good. We got to watch Tim playing first trumpet in the Rose Parade. That ain't bad.

Lessons Learned From My Grandchildren

This past week my wife Jackie and I got to enjoy something for the very first time. We were together with all four of our grandsons at once. While the oldest is more than five we've never been able to all be in one place so this was a pretty special time.

And while there are lots of great memories I could share with you perhaps the most profound things I could say are little thoughts or impressions I had while watching or interacting with them.

First, each child is unique. We must never expect them to be the same. One is more shy, another speaks non-stop, a third likes to read while the next would rather play with trains. The shy one likes to wrestle, though, while the talker loves football. The reader also likes Angry Birds but the train engineer is also friends with everyone.

Uniquenesses in children can be frustrating but they must be celebrated. God made each one his own person and their specialness is to be enjoyed.

Second, love is real and more than a chemical reaction. Most grandparents like us find themselves overflowing with love for their grandchildren. You can't help but have great affection and a desire to do or give anything for them. The toughest of men or the most callous of women suddenly melt when those little ones walk through the door.

And yet some would suggest that we all just somehow got here without any role of a Creator. My question? How then do we explain something like love?  Is it just the physical result of our ever evolving structure over the years?  Is what I feel just reaction of various chemicals making their way through my brain or other physical system?

Third, time with family is precious. I don't know when we'll all be together again. It's not easy to arrange a week like we just had. It could be years for all we know. One of us could be gone before the next time. And yet so many families take these gatherings for granted or are fighting over the most petty of issues and can't enjoy being together at all. Perhaps we need to see the time we do get more as gold rather than Kryptonite.

As Christmas approaches we all probably have opportunities to connect with family. If so, embrace each child uniquely, pour on the love and value the time. You won't have it forever.

Oh, How Much We Have! Teach It At Home.

I just returned from my fifteenth trip to Russia. I went with a terrific team of Americans to serve and lead a worship and church leadership conference in Moscow. I could tell you lots of stories about how God worked there, relationships that we will treasure forever or ways the Russian people blessed us perhaps more than we helped them.

However, what I want to focus on in this post is the reminder we all received again of how much we really have in this country and often do not appreciate. Even in a huge city like Moscow, one of the two most prosperous cities in the country, the differences to our lifestyle are striking.

For example, most everything you have to do there is hard, at least much harder than most of us are used to.  It's hard just to cross a major street there. You may have to go down twenty-five stairs or more on one side, walk through a long tunnel and then climb back up the same number of stairs on the other side. Or if you can cross on the surface, the street may be filled with trolley tracks, holes and uneven pavement, not to mention an errant driver who refused to stop.

It's also hard to move from place to place. If you have a car you will probably crawl along in traffic much of the day. If you are relegated to public transportation your trip will likely take 45 - 90 minutes each way or more and involve the Metro (subway), bus and/or trolley.  And from October through May it will be cold, rainy, cloudy, snowy and/or windy most days.

It's also hard to buy the things you need for basic life. While more larger stores are popping up in Moscow, it is still difficult to purchase all you need in one place for one meal or to get that small little item you need to fix something at home or that you need for your wardrobe.

The list goes on.  It's hard to complete paperwork, register for things, exchange money, get a bank account. It's hard to get to fun things to do or to just find places to play with your children. It can be hard to find good medical care or someone to help in an emergency.

Yes, we all have our hard days and some of us have major obstacles to overcome even here in the U.S. But it's always good for us to remember how much better we have it than most of the world. And we probably won't appreciate our better circumstances until we go somewhere and actually experience how others have to live. In fact, if you know missionaries or others who work in countries overseas, you might especially pray for them or send them a note or CARE package of encouragement.

And if you're a parent teach your kids to appreciate how blessed they are. Go on a missions trip sometime when you can. Go serve some people who live hard lives. Thankfulness is a virtue many families and individuals have lost in this country. Perhaps we can help keep it alive. Our family and country will be better off if we do.

Family Lessons From Whitney, Michael and All The Rest

The other day a friend told a young person that Whitney Houston had died and the teen replied, "Who's that?" How quickly we forget how young our kids are, how old we are and how fleeting even fame is. But like so many who die young, famous and not so famous, the stories are usually tragic ones. Whitney's was no exception.

Certainly one of the greatest vocalists of all time, she was not that long ago at the top of the entertainment world with #1 hits, unforgettable Super Bowl appearances and favorite movies. Now she's gone with so much of her legacy unknown and certainly tainted by rumors, destructive lifestyle choices and harmful associations.

So what do we as parents do with events like this in our homes? Some of our kids probably don't care and like the teen I mentioned earlier may not even know of some of the Whitney's in our world. Should we just chalk her, Michael Jackson. Amy Winehouse and all the others up to just being larger-than-life icons or do their stories provide teachable moments for us?

I think the latter.

Whether our children say anything or not about the aberrant actions of those in the limelight they do take notice at some point even if someone like a Whitney was too old to be on their personal radar. They see others in their list of favorites who self-destruct and we would be wise to help them process that.

So where do we start?

First, don't lecture. Discuss. This is not the time to have a long sit-down I'm going to make sure YOU never do what they did speech. Instead, have a conversation. Ask them questions like, So what do you think would make a person want to live that way? Why do you suppose all their money and fame wasn't enough for them.  Of course the depth of your questions will depend upon the age of your kids but talk with them not just to them.

Second, don't water down the tough stuff. Talk about the real issues, at least the ones you know about. It's tempting to speculate and suggest that they were probably on drugs or something when you don't know that to be the case. But talk openly and honestly about what you do know and if hard subjects are part of the discussion talk about them age appropriately of course. And be sure to help your kids begin to know what to do when they are confronted with similar temptations and choices.

Third, show compassion for hurting people. It's easy to send the message that these people are destroying our culture and deserve what they got in dying or going to jail or losing everything.  I'm pretty sure Jesus would not have responded that way. He was the friend to the outcast, the adulterer and the tax collector. He still spoke truth and challenged people to a better way, but He had compassion on the multitudes.  We must model the same.

As the adage suggests, there but for the grace of God go I.

Yes, there will be more Whitney and Michael stories. But we dare not look the other way and think they don't matter. They do. For lots of reasons.

Making the Most (Or Least) of Television At Your House

Since 1999 the American Academy of Pediatrics has been discouraging parents from allowing kids under two to watch television. However, many parents, leaders and even some pediatricians have felt that the academy's views were draconian and out of touch at best.

However, ongoing study and more recent research have showed a couple of concepts to still be true. First, young children learn best from real people and playing with real objects. And second, kids over two can learn language and social skills from high-quality programs.

In fact, there is evidence that watching significant television, even the usual teaching shows such as Sesame Street, can hurt their language development, reduce the quality of sleep and detract from unplugged, unstructured playtime.

In addition, when parents watch a lot of TV they tend to talk and interact less with their children in general and the TV distracts the child even if they are not actively watching the parent's show.

So, while only a few parents would choose or need to enforce a totally no-TV rule, there are some basic principles that the research seems to suggest for the wise parent.

First, don't just leave the television on in your home. Whether we like it or not, it distracts and impedes healthy and rich interactions while stealing from a family's ability to concentrate on each other.

Second, limit the amount of time your child who is two or older spends in front of the television.  Of course, choose programming that is enriching or appropriately entertaining but limit the amount as well. Make television a treat or something special, not the norm. Be intentional about the plan you put in place for the role of television in your child's life.

Third, as kids begin school, don't allow the television to be on while they do schoolwork. You as a parent may need to change some of your habits but your life will be better too as you focus on reading,  hobbies or interaction with your spouse or friends.

Fourth, develop habits of doing things together as a family that might have been spent in front of the television. Playing games, reading, watch a video of interest and just talking are nurturing activities that are often lost in many homes these days.

Finally, when you can watch television together and discuss some of what you saw, good or bad, afterwards. Sometimes you will get sideswiped by a negative impression or scene that you weren't planning on.  Use it as a teaching opportunity and lead-in for further discussion depending upon the ages of your kids.

Television isn't evil or harmful in and of itself. It can just be used that way. However, we can also turn it into a valuable means of enhancing our kids' worldview, knowledge and growth if we'll just manage it well. And that won't happen by itself.

A Different Kind of Christmas For Your Family

I'll bet you're already envisioning what Christmas will be like at your house. Perhaps it will include a  service somewhere, family gatherings, a special breakfast, gifts under the tree, visits to local lighting displays and lots of great food.

You probably have other special traditions that are unique to your family and all those things are good and right to enjoy. Christmas should be a time of celebration, joy and family.

However, what might it be like if we allowed Christmas to take a significant turn in our home and we did something radically different? What if we made it a day more of giving than getting? What if we did one of the simplest, yet most memorable holidays yet?

A few suggestions.  First, think about purchasing a gift that keeps on giving. World Vision and other agencies have catalogues where you can buy an animal, for example, that would help keep on feeding a family in another country. Their brochure or website is usually full of ideas from small to large that are difference makers and would model for your children what it means to really sacrifice for someone else.

You  can invite your children to be a part of the decision making process, too, and have lots of fun picking out just the right gift. You can also get more information about who you will be helping plus follow up later.

Second, think about only giving each other one or two gifts this year. Explain that you're going to use the money you save to help others or you want to just simplify the day and focus on its real meaning. Another option is to just limit the amount you spend on each other but see who can get the most for the money.

Third, read the Christmas story together and/or watch a video that will help you think about Christmas as a family. Even in Christian homes the actually story of Jesus' birth can get lost in all the busyness that we allow to crowd into our homes. You can count on the TV networks to only show holiday movies that get no deeper than dreams, trees, smiles and snowmen. Give your family better.

Fourth, go serve others somewhere on Christmas Day. There are usually nursing homes, shelters and homeless camps who would love to have a family like yours come and spend a part of the day with them volunteering or just talking to people. Or if you're willing to consider bigger ideas use your holiday time off to do a missions trip.

You can no doubt come up with many more ideas but think about making this the most unique kind of Christmas ever. I know your family will never be the same and you'll have memory that you will talk about for a long time.

Watching Out For the Slippery Slope At Home

Jackie and I watched a little toddler almost die yesterday. We were at an overlook at Pedernales State Park in central Texas looking at the water rushing over two small falls that are famous in this part of the state. After heavy rains there was a significant amount of water flowing that makes that lookout particularly attractive.

A woman was in one of the reachable dry spots with her two young children where visitors often sit to get a better view. They were all seated on a blanket appearing to just be enjoying the beautiful day.  However, within seconds the toddler got up and started to try to walk down an incline next to the deep water. Normally she would have been ok but wandered too close to the part that had gotten wet and slid down into the pool. The mother thankfully responded right away and slid down in her blue jeans to where the little girl was and was able to pull her out.

Had the mom been seconds or even a minute later the little girl might have drowned.

We can also walk too near some slippery slopes in our homes if we're not careful.  There's the slippery slope of putting spiritual things aside. We skip church more and more, we get too tired to have family times, we skip our personal times with God.  Pretty soon we don't even notice that we've lost our spiritual strength, that God is just sort of an extra in our day.

Or there's the slippery slope of personal morality. We start having more lunches with opposite sex people who aren't our spouse, we watch a little more of things that we know are a weakness for our temptations or we let our bad habits gradually get more out of control.

Or there's the slippery slope of emotional distancing.  We don't share much of significance with our spouse, we rarely have time to talk with our kids about their lives and feelings, and we're not really close to anyone.  Or our anger keeps ratcheting up a notch or two to where others don't want to be around us much.

Chances are good that we probably know the slope we're on but we don't really believe danger is that close.  If that's you remember the mom at the waterfall. One moment everything was fine, the next her daughter was in grave danger.

Ask God to show you the dangerous spots in your world. What slopes are you on today?  And when you see them admit you're too close to the edge and find someone to help you stay in healthy territory.