Embrace The Joy At Home

Jackie and I just spent a week watching our three Lubbock grandboys, ages 1, 3 and 5. Ok, so we're exhausted, but it was great fun. The boys were boys but behaved wonderfully the whole time. Their parents have obviously done a lot right. Sure we had our moments and wondered how mom and dad actually keep up with the constant questions, activity and neediness that normal kids that age expend.

Sometimes we'd get them all into bed and quiet at night and we would just collapse.

And I was reminded of when we were those parents and had the daily, non-stop responsibility for our two. How did we do it?  I'm not sure other than by the grace of God.

But I wonder how many parents under the pressures of parenting their little ones, saying "no" fifty times a day and being worn out much of the time also miss the little joys along the way. Perhaps we need to laugh and giggle a little more in the middle of our kids immaturity, challenges and being prone to look at themselves first.

One day, Silas, the three-year-old, was jumping on the couch. So I said, "Silas, don't jump on the couch please."  To which he responded, "Don't watch me do it." It took everything I had in me at the time to not laugh and unintentionally condone his actions, but inside I was cracking up. Somehow there was joy in seeing that little mind at work.

Joy came when we picked out and then carved our not so exotic pumpkins. And more joy arrived the next morning when we got up in the dark and had lit the pumpkins for them in the dark. Joy came when they rode the swing or their scooters with all their might grinning from ear to ear.

Joy showed up when they got their favorite donut with sprinkles or made a simple tower out of blocks. Joy was there when the oldest began to read words he never thought he could read.

All those little things could have been missed if we'd only focused on the BIG stuff or been too busy being productive. 

And remember joy doesn't only come in the good moments.  Joy isn't just another version of being happy. Joy can also be the feeling we have when we see something great, some work of God, some specialness in the difficult times when life isn't going as we'd hoped. We can bring some joy to our kids when we love them anyway when they've messed up.

We can exude joy when we teach our kids important lessons through their mistakes. We can have joy when we see those little bodies and minds attach themselves to new little learning moments or special times that don't require a lot of fanfare, money or fame.

Find some joy at your house even if times are tough. It's there if we'll look for it.

Beware Family Sinkholes

Maybe you heard about the car museum in Florida where some eight Corvettes were damaged or destroyed falling into a sinkhole that appeared in the floor. Eight Corvettes! Most of us would love to have just one!

One moment that museum housed hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of shiny sports cars and minutes later many were gone. What was so valuable quickly turned to rubble.

I wonder if we ought to think about life that way a bit more. I wonder if we shouldn't look at many of the things that seem valuable to us and realize that life's sinkholes could take them away too in an instant.

I often talk with people who at one time were making hundreds of thousands of dollars each year but now struggle to find or keep a job. For a while they were living the high life but now it's vanished. Others lost their "Corvettes" to their health, to the economy, to a dishonest coworker or their own foolishness. Whatever the case the wealth and value they once thought they had is no more.

Sometimes life is hard and bad things happen.

So what do we do? Like that museum we can't always avoid the sinkholes. They often just happen. But we can have a different perspective that won't make the loss seem so great.  We can value different things so that we put our hope in what truly matters. And that perspective is something we parents must especially teach our kids. We couples must affirm for each other every day.

A few key components of a healthy perspective?

Stuff is only stuff. More of anything material does not make more of us! If we have it, great. If we lose it, it's not the end of the world. Do not let your home, your efforts, your focus revolve around more things. If you're blessed with a lot, give a lot away.

Relationships are where the greatest riches lie. Invest in time with each other, making memories and learning more about each other. Unfortunately, families today have or make little time to just be with each other, talk and grow together. Be different and make time for one another.

Don't become an entitled couple or family. Don't expect that you always have to get the best, the most and what's first.  Teach your kids to look out for those who have less, volunteer in places where people have little and be willing to scale back and live on less.

Ask yourself, "What would we do if we lost most everything material that we own?"  Of course you would be sad, even devastated, but could you see yourself moving on?  Can you picture your family living on less and knowing that you're OK?

The greatest example of someone not needing stuff was Jesus. He even said that he had "nowhere to lay his head."  He had no home, few possessions and probably not a lot of clothes. But He was the source of peace and joy and still is.

It seems like if He could do it, we can . . . and must.

Entitlement: The Killer of Thankful Hearts

I don't mean for this post to be a holiday squasher but perhaps this is the BEST time to discuss something that is becoming a deadly virus in much of our culture. During a time of year when we at least try to focus on being thankful for what we have we would be wise to also consider what can steal that attitude of gratitude the rest of the year.

It's entitlement. And no I'm not talking primarily about programs commonly labeled as entitlements like social security and Medicare though perhaps they too are an indirect result of this virus.

But I want to challenge us all to think about an attitude and expectation that we personally should have certain privileges, rights, possessions and opportunities provided for us no matter what. In a recent blog I discussed how many parents expect that their child should receive the best coach, teacher, role in the play or whatever.

Go back and read that blog if you missed it. It's one subcategory of entitlement.

But this attitude goes beyond our children. We, too, believe that we should have priority in even the simple things like: the open parking spot, the place in line, tickets for the game the invite to the prestigious party or the full attention of the clerk in the store. See what the reaction is of most drivers when you accidently took their space in a driving lane or that one place left for a car to park at the mall!

Perhaps more significant might be our demand for: the best doctor in the waiting room, the head of the company to call us, the pastor to pay more attention to us or the local utility company to handle our complaint and problem first.  One way to tell is to measure your anger quotient when you don't get something you felt entitled to. If it's highere than say "5" on the anger meter you probably struggle with entitlement.

But remember that this virus can be deadly. It can first kill our thankfulness. And when we're not thankful we aren't usually happy. We will always demand more from those around us, our kids and even our family.

Second, we will become annoying, arrogant people who people will ultimately pull away from and avoid unless they are just like us. No one wants to be around a person who constantly thinks they deserve more or better and is always trying to get their demands met no matter the cost.

Third, we will never overcome our personal challenges. Why? Because we will always require one more thing to satisfy us, one more person to give us what we we believe we're entitled to. And even if we do get something on our list, there will be one more. We won't understand that entitlement is really a black hole that never gets filled up.

So, whatever you do, squash the entitlement virus from  your mind, family and home. Start by becoming thankful all the time, every day. As you feel your anger rising, tell God you're thankful for something He blessed you with that day anyway. Teach and model thanksgiving for your family.

Second, you let go of your demand that you get everything you think you must have to succeed or be OK. God is the only one capable of giving you that. So let Him be your guide.

Desire those things but don't demand them. If you do, you'll lose any chance of having a thankful heart and experiencing an ultimately fulfilled life.

Make Thanksgiving A Lifestyle At Your House

I talk with people every week who are hurting because of their illness, relationship struggles, grief, finances or a host of other things. And I know those hurts are very real and are certainly understandable.

I do my best to help encourage them and give them practical suggestions on how to walk through their struggle, make necessary changes and heal from their pain. We often go beneath the surface to find unhealthy behaviors and thinking that may be adding to their challenges.

However, one of the common inhibitors of growth I see in them all and in myself from time to time is a lack of gratitude. They don't find anything to be thankful for. They've put on blinders so to speak and can't see how they might still be blessed in some ways in spite of their difficult times.

As a result they tend to walk down the path to more discouragement, bitterness and emotional paralysis. If they could only begin to think bigger than their own circumstances and in the middle of their moving forward stay thankful.

One way to assure that people remain thankful at your house is to make gratitude more of an attitude. How?

First, model it. When you pray, especially with others, include praise and thanks, not just requests. Talk about things you're thankful for at the dinner table, when you're having fun and even working.

Second, practice it. Have some sharing times with the kids where you all talk about something you're thankful for that day or week. Talk about the little things, perhaps things that everybody else wouldn't necessarily think of.

Third, teach it. Scripture is filled with passages that speak about the power and place of thanksgiving. I Thessalonians 5:17 says, "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

I am confident that many of the people who come to see me in pain would find their journey made easier and heal more quickly when they focus more on being thankful. In fact, some of the greatest healing comes when hurting people start giving to others even through their pain. And they won't start investing in others if they remain bitter and angry rather than thankful.

So perhaps this Thanksgiving holiday could be the beginning of a new era of thanks in your home all year round. And perhaps you're the person to get it started. Happy Thanksgiving.

Lessons Learned From My Grandchildren

This past week my wife Jackie and I got to enjoy something for the very first time. We were together with all four of our grandsons at once. While the oldest is more than five we've never been able to all be in one place so this was a pretty special time.

And while there are lots of great memories I could share with you perhaps the most profound things I could say are little thoughts or impressions I had while watching or interacting with them.

First, each child is unique. We must never expect them to be the same. One is more shy, another speaks non-stop, a third likes to read while the next would rather play with trains. The shy one likes to wrestle, though, while the talker loves football. The reader also likes Angry Birds but the train engineer is also friends with everyone.

Uniquenesses in children can be frustrating but they must be celebrated. God made each one his own person and their specialness is to be enjoyed.

Second, love is real and more than a chemical reaction. Most grandparents like us find themselves overflowing with love for their grandchildren. You can't help but have great affection and a desire to do or give anything for them. The toughest of men or the most callous of women suddenly melt when those little ones walk through the door.

And yet some would suggest that we all just somehow got here without any role of a Creator. My question? How then do we explain something like love?  Is it just the physical result of our ever evolving structure over the years?  Is what I feel just reaction of various chemicals making their way through my brain or other physical system?

Third, time with family is precious. I don't know when we'll all be together again. It's not easy to arrange a week like we just had. It could be years for all we know. One of us could be gone before the next time. And yet so many families take these gatherings for granted or are fighting over the most petty of issues and can't enjoy being together at all. Perhaps we need to see the time we do get more as gold rather than Kryptonite.

As Christmas approaches we all probably have opportunities to connect with family. If so, embrace each child uniquely, pour on the love and value the time. You won't have it forever.

From Greed to Gratefulness This Year

Some woman was sitting in front of a Best Buy days before the holiday to save $240 on a television set on Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. Really? She gave up family time, a meal with those she loves and who knows what else all for a couple hundred dollars.

Of course that's a pretty extreme example, but I wonder how many of us really think about the messages we're sending to our kids, spouses and selves that really say, "You know, this Thanksgiving thing is really all about me getting what I want when I want it."  While we might suggest that we're really grateful people (and most of us probably are), are we still saying that it's not enough?

Sure, some people like the fun, tradition and the fact that maybe they really did get a good deal. And there's nothing inherently wrong in any of that. But why do we have to have that during a holiday that we call Thanksgiving? Couldn't we stop for a few days and truly be thankful, talk about how blessed we are and not have to have the next bigger, better, cheaper or even more expensive thing?

I wonder if a lot of the dysfunction and even emotional struggle in our country isn't because we have forgotten how to be thankful and grateful for what we have. Have we isolated ourselves that much from people not far from us as well as those around the world who have next to nothing and yet are probably happier than we are in many ways?

Can I suggest a few alternatives this year?  First, just skip all the drastic bargain hunting. Stay home, enjoy the days off and truly spend some time thanking God for your blessings.  Enjoy some things that are really priceless like time with people you love.

Second, cut back on Christmas gifts. If you have to spend money, give it away or go make someone else's holiday that much better. Find a mission agency and buy something for someone in another country that will make them ongoing income throughout the year. Give each family member a small amount of money and see who can get the most for someone else in the family with that little bit. I'll bet you'll remember that Christmas like never before.

Third, decide on some ways you can live differently all year long.  Christmas is just around the corner. Other sales, holidays, birthdays and random moments will beckon us to spend money on more things we don't really need and miss opportunities to bless someone in need. Why not commit to helping your family learn what it means to feel really alive by giving more away than we get?

Remember the things our kids learn best are those we model most. Think about how to model things that will last not just a lifetime but an eternity.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

The other day I heard someone on radio say, "Christmas is my favorite time of the year."  And of course most of us know the Christmas song favorite that begins, "It's the most wonderful time of the year."  And it is a special time. Who doesn't enjoy the gifts, lights, music, festive gatherings, great food and of course the story of Jesus' birth and all it means to us who follow Christ?  It's all great.

But I wonder if making holidays or seasons or special events our favorite doesn't somehow diminish our ability to enjoy every day as truly special and worth being thankful for. Maybe it's just because I'm getting older and more thoughtful, but I'm learning to make the most of now and it's making a difference.

I remember my mom sometimes saying to us kids, "Don't wish your life away," when we would incessantly talk about how we couldn't wait for something or some time in the future. There was probably some wisdom in her comment.  It's so easy to think that some future event will really make us happy or fulfilled so we wish for that to come while missing out on today.

How do we keep ourselves in the everyday moments that God gives us and teach our kids to do the same?

First, be thankful a lot.  Paul wrote in the New Testament that we should give thanks in everything.  There is something in most every moment and experience for which to be thankful.  No, not everything is enjoyable or positive, but we can still learn to thank God for anything he wants to teach us through it.

Second, watch for God sightings.  What do you see God doing in this current moment?  What person around you might He be wanting you to be Jesus to?  It's possible that God has something wonderful in store for you to do or see even if you're at the mall, grocery store, work or school.

Third, if you're a parent, model gratitude for your kids.  Don't give them everything.  Teach them to appreciate what they have. Express your thankfulness often in prayer and praise. Remind them often of how blessed they are and how much they have by helping out in a nursing home, working with underprivileged kids center or serving in a soup kitchen.

Finally, talk with your spouse and/or kids about special things that have happened each day.  Get in the habit of sharing the blessings of every day even though you certainly have to talk about challenges and difficulties as well.

When we begin to see the amazing things that go on around us every day we will begin to discover that there really aren't any most wonderful times.  Some are just a little more special than others but they all count for something.

Using The Time We Have Well

We're currently monitoring the status of and praying for two friends from our past who may die way too soon. Recently, people at the church where I serve have passed away with seemingly many years left in a normal lifespan. We had special prayer for a woman in her 50's who has cancer. 

And while I don't want to be manipulatively morbid and know that most of us would rather not talk about something like the brevity of life and the reality of death, every day does matter. We may get thousands more sunrises or sunsets or just one.

I have officiated many funerals over the years and unlike weddings, I don't ever look forward to them. Yes, they can be times of celebration of a life well lived though short, but there is still heartache and pain for the families and friends involved who have lost someone well before their "time." We hurt from losing them but also when we think about how much more they might have done. There are no easy answers that take away their pain.

So it makes sense and certainly agrees with Biblical wisdom for us to number our days (Psalm 90), to remember that we all only get so many twenty - four hour periods and some of us will have less than others.
What will we do with them especially when it comes to our marriages and children? Let me suggest a couple of things.

First, keep taking inventory regarding how you're spending your resources: time, talent and finances. There's no one right set of priorities that everyone should follow but are you investing your resources in the things that really matter? Or are you missing out on the things that really last by spending all your time trying to get more resources?

There's a delicate balance there but it makes sense that as we number our days we would err on the side of the things that are most important. For example, how much time do you give to just getting to know your kids and/or spouse versus merely providing for them or seeing that they get somewhere?

How much does your family give away versus get for yourselves? What life lessons are you intentionally teaching them? What spiritual input are you helping them get about God, salvation, and purpose in life?

Second, live as many moments as you can right here, right now. Too many people live in the someday, you know, "someday when _______________________ then I'll spend time with the kids, take a vacation, play with my son or daughter or serve God." Listen, someday will likely never come. Sure you may complete one task but another will be waiting for you or an even bigger obstacle will stand in your way.

Every day, do the little things that make you feel more alive. Hug your spouse, talk to your kids, serve someone else, give something away, ask God to use you to make a difference in someone that day. Sit on the porch with your coffee and just look at what God has made all around you. Marvel at his blessings toward you even if times are challenging right now. Find out something new about someone close to you.

This will probably mean you may have to give up something you tend to do a lot out of habit. You may need to turn off the TV, say no to a request, do your hobby one less time that week or skip checking your emails for a couple of hours, but it will be worth it! Instead of listening to the radio all the way to work, just be quiet or pray or think about a dream or two you've wanted to live out someday.

Third, be more thankful. It's thankful people who handle life's struggles the best. It's thankful people who cherish every day and don't despair as much when tragedy comes their way. It's thankful people who energize others and make a difference in them when they meet at church, in a store, at school or at work.

No, I'm not suggesting that we must be smiling, perky, and perhaps irritatingly joyful all the time.

Rather, thankful people have a deep sense of calm, assurance and maturity that builds up others. Thankful people don't get so uptight when life is hard.

So make the most of today and the next day and the next. Make every day a "bucket list" kind of day. Go to bed each night not saying, "I got the most out of today." Instead, find yourself saying, "I gave the most today and it was worth it." And should that day arrive when you discover it's time for you to leave this earth, you'll hopefully know that you didn't waste even one day on the unimportant things but lived life to the fullest!