Great Communication: The Importance of Timing

Farmers think about it. So do climbers. Even surgeons know it's important. You can't plant corn in the fall in the Midwest. You don't head for the summit in the late afternoon in the Rockies. And doctors make sure their patients are physically stable before they allow them to be operated on.

In other words they all know the importance of timing. Families need to also understand that timing can make all the difference in the success and effectiveness of their communication with each other. While yes there are times when the urgency of the moment requires immediate action most of the time that's not the case.

So when husbands and wives need to tackle tough questions they would be better to agree to a more acceptable and workable time to solve their problems. And yet many couples dump their biggest concerns on the other person at the most inappropriate times. One of them has just come in the door from a business trip, another has been home all day with demanding kids or they are on their way to church with the kids in the back seat.

None of those times will likely work to handle a major (or even minor) crisis. Parents can exhibit the same time mismanagement in dealing with discipline issues.

So how can we do better at timing at our house?

First, know your spouse or kids better and maximize their best times to talk and respond. Yes, we can use timing to simply not deal with painful realities but that's not what I'm talking about here. Sometimes you need to simply figure out a better time to dig deeper and agree that the tension of the moment can wait.

Second, curb your penchant to always have answers right now. Most problems didn't happen in an hour so they probably don't need to be resolved in an hour either.

Third, remember how helpful it is when others talk to you in your best moments, not your worst. I know that after a long day of meetings and counseling I'm often not ready to talk seriously the moment I come home. I need to think about my wife's similar needs and give her the same courtesy.

While timing isn't the only thing that makes for deep communication, it sure is a main thing. Think about timing a bit more the next time you have serious issues to talk about at home. I'm pretty sure it will make a significant difference.

Tips For Keeping Your Home SAFE

I originally named my blog Safe At Home for a reason. Sure, it's a clever (at least I think so!) play on words with a baseball analogy. But more importantly I've worked with families long enough to know that many homes simply aren't safe even though the people in it think so.

In recent years homeowners have been told that they should have their dwellings checked for radon gas. Apparently it's an unseen substance that can leak into a home and be deadly. The same is true for carbon monoxide. It's possible to be living around a deadly gas and not know it.

In the same ways, many homes have some destructive "gases" spreading through their families and the people who live there are unaware of the damage they are doing.

Let me suggest a couple of tips for keeping your home a safer place from those toxic elements.

First, ban destructive words. That's right. Have a family meeting tonight and say in front of your kids that you will end the use of words that are unfair, harsh and needlessly hurtful. Tell them that you will model, even when you need to be stern and firm, how to speak fairly, without yelling and to the point. Admit it if you need to change some things. But then require everyone in the house to do the same. You may need to have a point system, money jar or whatever to help this happen but do it.

Second, show every person that their comments, questions and opinions matter. Husbands and wives every day in certain homes tell each other how incompetent they are or suggest that their input into the discussion is unimportant. Children are told or it is implied that certain topics are off limits and that their comments don't ever matter when it comes to decisions made in the home or their feelings about life. Instead, listen well, invite comments when spoke appropriately and let your family know that their honest expressions don't ruffle you.

Third, keep rules and guidelines clear, fair and constant. No one likes to live in a home where what is right one day is wrong the next and vice versa. Few can tolerate being trusted one day and not the next when one's behaviors and attitudes have been consistent. If we're always moving the goal lines and boundaries on our discipline how will our children ever know what or how to obey?

Safety is not only a set of guidelines, it's also a state of mind and an atmosphere that a home must have to truly be a place our families look forward to return to each day. Who's guarding the safety in your home and have you evaluated your safety standards lately?

Don't Miss Imporant Lessons in a Tragedy

We all will face some sort of devastating experience, illness, or loss in our lifetime. Some of us have even faced what may seem horribly unfair especially when compared to others. And while we should never minimize our struggle or those of others there are important things we can and must take away from and yes through even the worst of times.

Let me suggest a few.

First, we can learn more about what really matters. Many people in Austin, Texas where I currently live lost their homes to wild fires this past week. When it comes to possessions most of them have nothing or very little. But I've already heard story after story of individuals and families who still feel blessed to be alive, to hug their spouse and children and to know they can at least start over. They've realized that their stuff was just stuff.

Second, we can be reminded of what other people will do for us when we're down. Sure there are people who will always be selfish jerks. But there are many more who come alongside us when we're hurting and ask nothing in return. Churches share Christ's love in tangible ways, neighbors give of what they have even when it's not very much and people go across the city or state just to help.

Third, we will see things done for us that we will do for others later.  Often the person who cares for others most is the one who was helped the most. A woman came to our church the other day to help those impacted by the fires. Who was she? The wife of a man recently killed in a tragic accident! She knows how much even the smallest actions matter to people who are hurting. And she was reminded that her life in spite of her tragic circumstances still matters.

Yes, we must be free to hurt, grieve, rest and heal. And our journey is our journey and need not be similar to that of anyone else. We will need time and we will never totally forget the impact of our tragedy. But be sure to take the time to embrace the life lessons that can still enrich, bless and encourage you and  your family both now and for years to come, even in the worst of times.

Is your home thirsty? Let it rain.

I currently live in Austin, Texas. We're experiencing our latest drought, one which has broken some all-time records. It was 112 degrees the other day tying the highest temperature ever. Our lakes our down some 40+ feet. We had the second most number of days in a row over a 100 and the most days above the century mark ever for one year.

So as you might expect the officials in our counties are taking some wise steps. They've banned outdoor burning. We've had to add watering restrictions and boaters on the lakes have new rules to insure safety.

And if you're home is typical, you and your family can face your own times of drought. You're thirsty for relationship, time, sanity, love, attention or a host of other good things that every person needs. What typically causes family drought? Over-commitment, selfishness, straying priorities, poor planning, unresolved marriage problems, challenging circumstances, getting away from God . . . 

There are more . . . you can probably add some of your own.

But you also know that if nothing is done in response to your drought damage can be done. And unlike in Austin where we can't just turn on the rain, you can do some things to at least stem the tide of the rain shortage.

First, slow down and take inventory. Sometimes slowing down will make a huge difference by itself but it's important to face what the rain deficit is doing to your home. Perhaps an activity or two needs to go, maybe some counseling would help, perhaps you've let your spiritual relationship with God go to the back burner.

Second, make some initial changes and take some first steps to find water. Go to that counselor, get back to church, slice some things from the schedule. Remind each other that all these extra activities will mean nothing if your family tanks.

Third, speak love and life into each other more. Because of busyness our homes can become void of meaningful discussion, encouragement and building each other up. Listen to feelings and needs. Talk more -period. But that will take some focused time. It may start around a game or mealtime but begin somewhere.

No family will survive well living in the desert. But if we're smart we'll bring along some of our own water, even if mother nature doesn't help us out.

Good Discipline: Parenting Like You Mean It

We've all had a child or two push us on our expectations, right? Your son should know that he can't be a jerk in public but he makes a scene in the restaurant nonetheless. Your daughter seems like she knows that she just can't wear anything to school but one morning she throws a tantrum demanding she get to put on her favorite outfit when you object.

So what do you do? How do you handle those sudden push backs on your guidelines and authority without using live ammunition to quell the problem?

I'm pretty confident that you actually set the stage for what you will do before these big-time struggles ever happen. How?

First, you keep your word in the little things. You parent like you mean it. No, you don't have to be a tyrant but you do need to follow through even on the small stuff especially when your kids are little. If your kids know you'll stick to your guns about bed time and you do it every night for the most part, then they'll likely better understand that you're going to follow through in the restaurant or before school during the blow-up.

Second, if you're married you keep your word as a team. Kids need to know that mom or dad are not the easy out to the tough decisions that the other parent makes. If mom says it's bedtime and then dad comes in and changes the rule and allows them to stay up, the children begin to figure out the difference in mom and dad and begin to use it to their advantage. Moms and dads must be on the same page when it comes to how you follow through on your disciplinary commitments.

Third, it never hurts to address some of the more major possibilities ahead of time.  I remember telling our kids that we would have a curfew time for when they went out, one that varied depending upon the event, how far away it was, etc. But we also told them that if they didn't show up very close to on time, that we would either be in the car looking for them or on the phone with the police.  Interestingly, one of our kids went well beyond this rule about two weeks after we had that discussion.

They found out very quickly that we meant what we said when they met me on their way home . . . in my car looking for them.

A big percentage of parent/child discipline problems could be resolved if the parents just parented as though they meant it. And the sooner the better.

Five Things Every Parent Must Do

All families are different and unique. They come in varying sizes, shapes, locations, and personalities. There are lots of things that one family will do or enjoy that another family would hate. That's normal and OK.

However, I want to suggest five priorities that every parent needs to include in their home no matter who you are, where you live or what you have. These five actions are not only essential but their presence will help determine whether your family will be healthy and stay healthy.

First, make time to rest, relax and reflect. People are just too busy today. Children are pushed to be in a sport or activity every season. Parents work crazy hours so they look for even that much more for their kids to do while they're gone. Being involved in good things is fine, but never slowing down is insane and destructive.

Second, speak words of life often. Words of life are not always compliments or mere flattery. Words of life speak to one's soul about who they are, why they are valued and how they make a difference in your life. We can't say these vital phrases enough but often those rich kinds of words are drowned out by mere platitudes, empty praise or plain silence.

Third, make lifelong memories. Yes, great memories can and should be spawned in the everyday of life - the little things, the surprises and the day to day moments that are special and revered. But it's important to be even more intentional by discovering ways that you will make memories together in unique and more grand ways. Take some vacations, plan unique trips with each child, develop a few hobbies and special activities that are your family's favorites.

This is how we began climbing mountains. And we'll never forget our experiences together.

Fourth, teach and model your faith journey. Some parents want their kids to have some sort of religious instruction so they make sure the kids get to church and hope some of it sinks in. That may be helpful and the children might deepen their own faith that way, but you'll make a far greater impact in them and you if you're the one who is their model and guide concerning spiritual things.

Finally, love your spouse openly. Remember your home is marriage training for your kids. It will be the major classroom where they will learn how to treat their husband or wife someday. Let them see your affection, kindness, respect and commitment to one another every day. Show them how to handle conflict appropriately and wisely. Admit when you make mistakes, let them know you won't be perfect and teach them how to handle those imperfections in healthy ways.

Yes, your home will be special and one-of-a-kind in many ways but you will have a richer home if you'll make these fabulous five actions prominent at your house.

How To Avoid Letting Tradition and the Past Paralyze You

This past weekend my wife and I stayed in a hotel overlooking Reliant Stadium in Houston where their pro football team plays and other large stadium events are held. The arena is a beautiful facility, modern and impressive especially at first glance.

However, right next to it stands a large, greyish, starkly naked building that looks like it was once something but clearly no longer has any usefulness. I eventually found out that it's the once famous Astrodome, the first building of its kind built decades ago.

I couldn't believe it is still around. I actually had a tour of it with my wife and small son in the early 80's. It was unique, brand new and something we'd certainly never seen the likes of before. But it's none of those things now.  Its presence alone is stealing from the attractiveness of the new stadium.

I thought they must have torn it down at least once they built the current stadiums. It turns out there are some people, a council, historians or someone who has influence who don't want to get rid of it just yet.

I found myself thinking that's the way a lot of families, churches, neighborhoods and other organizations are. The leaders and people in general are more committed to their memories of the past than doing something to change the future. They long for the good old days and so they hang on to habits, traditions, ways of doing things and vision that are really hurting themselves and those around them, often causing an organizational or familial paralysis.

Is your family, church or other group still hanging on to their version of the Astrodome just because you or they don't want to let go of a memory?  If you're honest, has it hamstrung your growth and change?

If so, think about doing a couple of things where you have influence. First, keep celebrating the goodness and good people of the past. It's uplifting to now and then look at old pictures, tell great stories of bygone days and honor those whose efforts have helped you be what you are today. Tradition isn't a bad thing unless it becomes the only thing or the major motivation behind what we do today.

Second, take time to grieve or at least be sad about situations, people or things in the past that you don't enjoy in the same way. Thinking honestly about those items will help you both emotionally begin to let go and start to free you over time to move on even though it's hard. Keep some appropriate momentos of the past but limit them and don't let them run your life any more.

Third, tear down, put away or throw away those Astrodomes in your world. In a family, those might involve traditions that you just don't need to keep up any more or being involved in an activity that has outworn its purpose. Many church leaders need to finally get rid of a traditional service, add a new style of service or change other things in a major way.

Fourth, celebrate the newness and change in your life, family or church. I'm confident that healthy, God-directed change will bring new life into you and those around you just like a new stadium, house or town hall does for a city. Start somewhere, be honest, but don't stay paralyzed.