Best Parenting Teen Ideas - part 2

I've learned over the years why God made teenagers. To punish us parents for the way we acted as children. OK, maybe that's not his purpose but it sure seems reasonable.

But let's face it one of our big struggles is that we simply don't know what they're going to do much of the time and frankly they don't either. They have these maturing, growing bodies facing all sorts of unknowns, peer pressures and challenges. But they typically don't have the emotional strength to handle all that. That's why they have melt downs or act out doing crazy things or take huge risks in order to be accepted.

So how do we as parents deal with them during these tough years while still enjoying the healthy spreading of their wings that will lead them to true independence?

First, we need to do a lot of talking and listening. Unfortunately if your kids are already teens and you haven't worked at this prior to adolescence the task will be much harder. Nonetheless, make times and relatively easy opportunities to just talk. Eat meals together, do some things alone, make conversations about hard things something normal not weird.

And don't buy into the silent treatment. Do not allow for doors to be slammed and for them to just walk away from any conversation. As I mentioned in my part one blog options are important. So do the same regarding conversation. You can say things like, "Ryan, you may not want to talk right at the moment, but when we get home (or in the morning or whatever) we need to have some time to talk about last night (or about your trip or whatever)."

When it's all said and done they need to learn to talk and really want to be heard and understood.

Second, let them know that you will keep your word. You don't have to be a tyrant but make it clear if you haven't already that if there is a curfew time you will hold them to it, expect them to call or meet whatever other boundaries you set. When you do this on the little things you'll be much more likely to be taken seriously on the bigger ones.

Even teens need to learn to keep rules and meet expectations. Yes, they should be given more freedoms as they get older but only if they're earning that freedom along the way. Our son was told that he had to call if he was going to be late and I told him I would be one of two places if he didn't call - in the car looking for him or on the phone with the police, especially if I thought that was warranted.

Not two weeks later we had an incident and I met him in my car in the middle of the street as he returned significantly late.  I was looking for him. I didn't yell, berate or give greater punishment than he deserved. But he knew I was serious about both discipline and looking out for him.  We didn't have a problem with lateness after that.

Too many parents don't take the time to do the hard work of both communicating effectively or setting reasonable boundaries and keeping them. You can be your kids' friend AND their parent but the parenting part always has to come first. And if you do that the friendship part will be even richer and stronger later when they're an adult.

Fighting the Good Fight In Your Marriage

A survey came out this week that suggests the average married couple fights or at least spar with each other seven times a day! That means there are some who must fight more and of course some less.  But the bigger questions seem to be, "How do we fight and why?  What purpose does our arguing accomplish? And are there better ways to handle our conflicts.

Yes, conflict is normal. Every couple has it. Couples who never disagree are likely facing some sort of denial, stonewalling or unhealthy lack of authenticity.

But there are definitely some things we can do to improve our communications at home especially when we're not on the same page. First of all, we need to deal with our personal worth. I've addressed this in other posts but if you believe that your spouse's criticisms of you have to do with your value as a person you will fight to the death to win. Unfortunately you won't fight fairly or effectively. You won't listen, you'll just be on the offensive or defensive the whole time.

The good news is that your value in God's eyes is never about other person's views of you. You can still be the important or valuable person you are whether your spouse agrees with you or not.

Second, communicate upfront more. In the age of cell phones, texting, emails and the like, we need to over-communicate. How many fights are generated because one or the other spouse simply didn't take the time to let the other person know their plans or change of plans, needs, goals, desires or even emergencies?

Do what you can ahead of time to let your spouse know what's going on in your world.  You're a team - that's only fair and right.

Third, learn to communicate your needs, concerns and frustrations in healthier ways. A most helpful tool is what is called speaking in the here and now. We tend during our spats to use phrases like you always or you never or attempt name-calling or comparisons to others to get our way. Each of those methods goes beyond the current problem and actually begins to speak unfairly about the other person's character, before, now and in the future.

Here and now communication is more like this . . . "I was really hurt last night when you talked about my weight in front of our friends."   But many couples would say, I can't believe you put me down last night just like you always do whenever you feel like it. You're just like your dad who doesn't care what he says and who hears it. I'm sick of it."

Healthy communication uses words and phrases that only speak about what is going on now. Then couples work to better understand the other person's feelings and what the other person needs or needed to avoid that feeling so much.


Changing communication patterns takes time and often the help of a counselor or therapist. But if you're arguing seven times a day, even though its supposedly average, I'd seriously consider that there is a better way!

Getting Rid of SECONDHAND SMOKE At Your House

Maybe you smoke, maybe you don't. But if you're a non-smoker then you likely don't appreciate having to breathe the billows from another person's cigarette.  A funny remark a few years ago went something like this, "I'll breathe your smoke if you'll chew my gum."

However, this post isn't about real smoke. We can debate that issue another time. But people in homes everywhere have breathed in a lot of secondhand smoke, potentially damaging emotional fumes so to speak, from the relationships they've had and lived through. They've been forced to inhale other people's pain, dysfunction, bad choices and character flaws so that it has become hard to live smoke-free anymore.

As adults they continue to own the guilt of what others do or to try to fix the people closest to them. They also often have a hard time setting boundaries and let other people regularly invade their space and force them to take responsibility that never belonged to them in the first place.

Now unless we live alone we will send some secondhand smoke to our spouses and kids.  We can't help it. We're not perfect. They'll pick up some of our habits, flaws, immaturity and unhealthy ways of relating.  However, we don't have to blow emotional rings in their faces.  How?

First, we can keep working on ourselves being honest about our weaknesses and struggles. When those we love see us being authentic and doing healthy things to grow they'll learn to do the same.

Second, we must ask others to be a mirror for us. It's healthy to let others help monitor our weaknesses and those times when we exhale in front of others in ways that are inappropriate or damaging.

Third, we can be intentional about not asking others to take on our pain.  Others can share it but we can't ask or demand that they own it. A well-meaning widow has done this when she asks her teenage son to now be the man of the house after his dad dies. Parents who divorce often send the message to their kids that they too must feel all the same hurt and disappointment. Roommates can demand that their friend absorb all the angst they feel because of hurts from their past.

So, what smoke are you blowing towards those you love?  Some issues need to be smoked outside. Some things you need to handle on your own and with God's help. Take some healthy steps to clear the air in your home and everyone will be healthier in the long run.

I"m Not Listening . . . Humperdink, Humperdink, Humperdink

OK, so one of my favorite movies is The Princess Bride. And many of you know there's this hilarious Miracle Max (Billy Crystal) scene where Max doesn't want to hear anything about Humperdink the king he formerly served.  So as Max's wife shouts "Humperdink, Humperdink, Humperdink," Max runs around with his hands over his ears saying, "I'm not listening."

Unfortunately there are many spouses who for all practical purposes act just like Max when their spouse tries to talk to them. There are lots of reasons why the listening is on hold, however. For some they're easily distracted. They don't intend to not listen but they can see a bird fly by and they are now thinking about something else.

Others try to multi-task all the time. They intend to listen but have a remote, newspaper or smart phone in one hand. They end up really showing disrespect to their spouse but feel like those other things can't wait or that they're simply talented enough to do both.

Some, however, don't want to hear what their spouse says because they feel inadequate to respond or simply don't want to face their own failure or wrongdoing.

However, if meaningful, effective and intimate conversation and communication will ever happen in a marriage spouses must let go of their belief that their worth is on the line during conflict.  When we're wrong we need to learn to face it. We won't be less of a person. We'll actually get stronger.

When our spouse needs us to hear them whether it's because of our mistake or merely their need for a listening ear we can go there and must. And if we're not very good at it we need to start practicing.  If we're a multi-tasker then we need to start by putting the other things aside and giving our mate some focused attention.

A few suggestions: turn off the TV, computer or other distractions that keep you from listening well.

Find regular time to focus on each other and hear the other person completely.

If we're easily distracted we need to enumerate those things that steal our attention and determine a way for them not to control us any more.  And if we thought we just didn't want to hear it well . . . decide for a change that it won't kill you. You'll survive and yes, your marriage will be even stronger. And your spouse will know that in you they truly have a friend and confidante.

The Power of Modeling In Your Home

I was at a friend's house recently where his family owned two dogs. One was a small Shorkey puppy while the other was an older mix. As I reached down to pet the lovable  white pup, my friend pointed out how oddly the dog was sitting up against the counter wall.

And  he was right. The little guy was sort of hunched up with part of its behind against the wall while it's front was at a funny angle. Nonetheless, the dog looked comfortable and happy. My friend explained that the older dog had endured some serious hip and hind legs problems for years so was forced to sit that way all the time. The puppy, who had lived his whole life around the elder one, had apparently decided that was the way all dogs sit and as a result did the same.

I saw the comparison to people right away. Do you?  Dysfunction is modeled and passed on to others even if there's no reason for the others to adopt it. They see it over and over and begin to think of that as normal.

In fact, sometimes our homes are havens for major inappropriate behaviors but we don't see them. That's why it's important to get some periodic input from certain wise people who don't live where we live.

Who? First, consider a personal or marriage mentor. Spend regular time with a same sex friend or insightful individual who will simply speak honestly with you about your home, marriage, personality, etc.  A couple can do the same if you're a couple.

Ask them to think through your home, your life, your ways of responding and tell you if they see anything that seems abnormal to them. You can find them in your church, community or even workplace by starting with someone you really respect and you sense is probably a bit wiser than you. Sometimes churches even have ministries where such people can be found.

A second option is a professional counselor - therapist, pastor trained in counseling, or psychologist.  You don't have to be royally messed up to see someone like this. They, however, can help you sort out any significant issues or dysfunctions that may be impacting your home or friendships. They can go deeper into problematic areas. The small investment in time and perhaps money will be well worth it.

Third, do a self-assessment. Take inventory and ask yourself, "What do I do that may not be healthy for our home or my relationships?" Be bold, be honest and be ruthless. Consider praying for help on this. Remember, like the little dog, your unhealthy and healthy ways of responding will likely be copied by those who live around you, especially the young "puppies" in your home.

The old song lyric from Cats in The Cradle is so true . . . my boy was just like me, he grew up just like me.  Wouldn't it be great if we could answer with, "And I'm glad he did."

When Kids Think They're Ready For Adulthood

Ryan was a junior in high school. Worked for decent grades, rarely got in trouble and was well liked. However, at home he was starting to push harder on his parents to have more freedom, to be more independent. He had begun asking that the curfew be taken away, that he be able to make even more of his decisions without parental advisement and that he not have to always let mom and dad know where he was.

Of course his parents were leery of giving him that much freedom even though they knew that soon he would have to be given all the freedom he was desiring and more.

It's important to understand that Ryan was actually being normal and when it's all said and done seeking a good thing - adulthood. The challenge is how to let our children begin to swim in that pool without just throwing them in.

The wise parent will try to do a couple of things.  First of all, give your children some gradual addition of freedoms and responsibilities. Especially as they move through high school begin to introduce some ways that they can feel a bit more adult. Perhaps instead of removing the curfew you can just extend it a little more. When it comes time to buying clothes you might give them so much money to spend themselves and see how much they can purchase for that amount. It's a great time to teach them some of your favorite getting a bargain tricks.

Second, be sure they understand that becoming an adult has responsibilities with it. For example, if they think they're old enough to work and get a part-time job, let them contribute something to help with the household expenses. Of course it may not be much but they'll learn that freedom isn't really free in everyday life. Make sure that once they're making money (or having their allowance increased) that they need to also save a certain portion.

Third, expect them to relate more and more to you like an adult.  Many kids do this pretty naturally but some will not. They can improve in their communication skills by being expected to stay and talk with you, share details, let you know when they will be there for meals, etc.  Healthy adults know what common courtesies are and your kids can learn those too.  If they want to have their room look the way they want it, fine, but then treat them like a resident.

That means they do all their own laundry, cleaning, etc. unless you agree upon a different arrangement.  You get the idea. We must teach our kids that being an adult is a good thing, but it also will take some real growing up on their part not just enjoying a free ride.

The Power of Words of Life

Most of us have forgotten most of what happened or was said to us five, ten, twenty, or forty years ago. But there are likely a couple of things that DO stand out. Things that were special, events that were surprises, opportunities that were incredibly amazing and words that hurt.

Yes, words that stung, that attacked our character, that made us feel ashamed are ones that stay with us for awhile, sometimes forever. Why?  Because they went deeply into our souls, they described to us (or so we thought) who we really are in the eyes of the other person and they often seemed to speak about things that we could never change.

If some of us reading this right now were to actually think again about hearing those words we would get a tear in our eye or a lump in our throat. Others might become enraged or find themselves in a moment of despair. The harmful, death-like words of those who mean the most to us can injure, abuse and destroy.

Sadly, those kinds of words may be coming from our mouths and we don't even realize it. We may blame them on a moment of anger or the bad behavior of the kids. We can couch our response in "that's just how I respond, but I get over it," but those who bear the brunt of our words don't get over it.

That's why we need to keep the focus of our language on words of life, words that encourage, build up and are offered to help keep the other person's dignity and personhood still intact.  We can say hard things, deal with conflicts and express differences of opinions and still speak words of life, not words of death.

Words of death usually have phrases in them like, you always, you never, you're just a . . .  , etc. Words of death are typically accompanied by a tone and/or look of disdain that makes the other person cower and want to leave.

In a negative situation words of life will sound more like, "I'm really angry right now because it seems like you said one thing last night and are changing your mind now without consulting me."  That's a fair statement. No one is being condemned, no one's character is under attack.  The speaker is simply expressing their emotions and why and talking about a current event or action and no other.

Words of death bring shame.  Words of life offer hope.  Words of death push away while words of life draw people together.

The familiar credit card ad regularly asks, "What's in your wallet?"  So let me ask, "What's in your vocabulary?"  Words of life or death.  A famous Proverb from the Bible says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue."  No words could be more true . . . or important.