Breaking the Harmful Cycles - Part 2

Breaking cyclical behaviors, attitudes and actions from our past is rarely easy. Many of those characteristics in our relationships stem from years of habit, dysfunction and emotional inbreeding. It will take our own honesty, intentionality and commitment to rid ourselves and our homes from the effects of years that are now behind us.

And sadly, much of what we do today is not our fault. However, we must take responsibility for what we do from here on and the good news is that change IS possible. We dare not accept the idea that this is just the way we are and everyone else will have to accept that. Our God is a God who changes people from the inside out!

I gave a couple of beginning suggestions last time about how to make those significant changes we need to make, to not be run by our past so let me add a couple more this time. First, be honest. Admit that those tendencies, responses and habits still lurking in your heart and mind are real and need to be addressed.

If you're married you need to fess up and talk about them with your spouse. It's also helpful to get some counseling or mentoring that can help you face some of your issues head on and begin to do something about them. Whatever you do, don't just cover them up. Like a tumor that has the potential to do great damage, we must have our "tumors" exposed and ultimately removed so that we can begin to live more free of the cancers from our past that can potentially damage everything.

Second, begin to go where you fear the most. Most of us have things we simply won't do because of the fear, shame or inappropriate actions we've learned from our past. For example, you may have been taught or had modeled that the only way to get what you want is to yell or demand. So now your home is a place where a loud voice is the only one that "wins."

You likely fear that you will never be heard or given attention if you're not the tough guy or gal. If you're going to be different and begin to model a new way of relating then you'll have to try another approach. You'll need to move toward your spouse or children confidently but without the loud voice. You need to try being gracious, listening and not just talking and getting your point across without all the gusto.

Or if you believe that people won't like you if you don't do just what they want, lavish them with gifts or always play the pleaser you can try something different. Decide to be their friend - period - no strings attached. Be willing to say what you think for a change even if you disagree. No longer demand that they like you.

Fear is the great paralyzer. In fact most of our past struggles stem from fears that were built into us, modeled or obtained. We fear not being loved and accepted. But instead of enjoying God's unconditional love and acceptance we demand it from others in our lives. And when those people don't come through for us (and no one ever does that perfectly) we begin to panic.

With God, however, there doesn't need to be any fear about who we are. In Him, we're always OK. So go where you fear and begin to change those debilitating and even destructive tendencies you've brought with you from the past. Change may be slow and tedious at times. We'll never totally arrive until Heaven, but we must head in the right direction.

It will change everything!

Breaking the Harmful Cycles From Your Past - part 1

I celebrated my birthday recently! And no I'm not telling you my age. Most people think I still look quite young, however. Unfortunately most of those people also have 20/600 vision. Nonetheless I'm truly thankful for the years God has given me and for a generally healthy and normal family in which to grow and thrive.

However, we all have things in our past and present that we would like to change, right? There are no perfect families and many of us have faced some pretty awful circumstances or been treated poorly by dysfunctional and hurtful people.

The good news is that the cycles of hurt, pain, shame and inappropriate relating you perhaps experienced do not need to continue. In fact, you can and must change them for the generations to come. Sadly, many families stay in generational orbits, meaning that how they related and functioned in the past continue un-phased into the present . However, like the space shuttle when it returns to earth, we must add some new power or energy from somewhere to get us out of orbit or nothing will really change.

That implies that we will have to start acting and functioning in our homes in strategically new ways. We must learn how to act fundamentally different with our spouse and/or our children so that harmful attitudes and actions from the past are not replicated in our situation. At the same time we must intentionally pass on those things that are important, the spiritual and moral truths that we do not want our children to lose or the healthier ways of acting and relating that we know are best.

Psalm 78 wisely challenges with these insights. . . . "We will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, his power and the wonders he has done . . . . So the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children . . . (and) they would not be like their forefathers."

So where do we start? I would first suggest making a list of the most important truths, habits and attitudes that you want your family to embrace and exhibit. You may think these would be obvious but chances are they are not necessarily on your radar or at best you've not been very intentional about developing some of them in your home. Then take inventory and ask yourself and/or your spouse how you are doing. Prioritize your goals and determine which ones you'll work on first and with the greatest passion.

Next, start considering what moving toward those goals would look like. What would need to change if certain things were going to be emphasized and practiced more in your home? What needs to be stopped? What can be worked on? What have other families done to teach or heat up certain values in their home. Learn from others. Ask around. Read.

Of course, you can't protect your family from every negative influence but you can make those influences less impacting by highlighting the positives and healthy ways of living every day in your home. Sometimes we may need to lessen or even quit our involvement with certain people in our families who continue to be negative and hurtful models. That's something you will have to decide while getting wise counsel from others.

But please do not be casual about this. Don't assume that your church, school or youth group will teach these important truths for you. And don't expect that things will be different just because. As the well-used time management adage suggests, We don't plan to fail, we just fail to plan. As I mentioned earlier real change, change so that the past doesn't repeat itself, will require intentional and planned energy and effort.

So next, start somewhere. Pick your most important goal and do something to move you and your family in that direction. Take small steps but don't be paralyzed. If for example you want to start seeing more positive affirmation and encouragement in your home then begin by doing that yourself.

At the same time you can perhaps try a new game at some of your meal times where everyone has to share something positive they have seen or appreciate in the other people around the table. If you want to raise the value of saving money then help each of your kids to open a bank account and begin saving in some way from their allowance or odd jobs.

If you want to help people learn to be more honest with each other then make honesty a high priority in how you and/or your spouse speaks to one another and the rest of the family. Attitudes aren't taught or developed in a day, week or month. They are seen, acquired and practiced over long periods of time.
Start now and the dividends will be great later.