Ten Things To Always Consider Before Marriage

A wedding is one of those events that most look forward to and eagerly anticipate. Little girls dream about theirs and act out the perfect wedding in play times. Couples spend countless hours looking for the perfect location and extra elements that will make their day memorable.

And yet beyond the wedding is a marriage, a hopefully lifelong relationship fueled by love, founded on faith and sustained by commitment that survives even the toughest of times. And sometimes people let wedding plans and excitement distract them from determining whether this other person they're planning to live with until death do them part is not just the person they can live with but also the one they can't live without.

I want to suggest that couples spend far more time on their marriage than their wedding. And finding that special individual can be helped dramatically by being willing to look at ten considerations and questions below and answer them honestly. No one is perfect, but these questions can root out some deeper issues that may rear their heads later and keep a marriage from being the intimate, loving, lifelong relationship it could be and should be.

And let me add that if several of the questions suggest significant problems or red flags, please consider not getting married until these issues are talked about and examined closely. Counseling may be valuable at that point too. There is little worse than being several years into a relationship knowing that there were skeletons lurking in someone's background that needed attention and can potentially destroy the relationship.

I have a theorem that has proven true over and over. If something is going on before the wedding, it will still be there after the wedding. Marriage changes little when it comes to problems.

My Marriage Top Ten:

1. Does your fiance like you? For example, do they laugh at your jokes, take interest in your likes and priorities, talk about things you enjoy or is it all about them or someone else?

2. Does your fiance seem proud of you? Do they brag about you to others, ever tell you they think you do something well or does it feel like they're always a little jealous or at best silent about your talents?

3. Do you make most of your decisions together or does the other one subtly take charge as though they know better?

4. Does either of your fiance's parents act the same way?  In other words, are there genetic, family systems issues involved?

5. Have you talked about whether there has been any abuse in either of your families? Abusive characteristics are often passed on from past generations or started in childhood. See #6.

6. Does your fiance tend to not want to talk about serious issues or problems or suggest that you can work them out after you get married?

7. Are faith, church involvement and spiritual growth considered by your fiance to simply be nice things but doesn't support with any enthusiasm or personal commitment?

8. Do outside hobbies, goals, education and work seem more important than your marriage, home and ongoing relationship together?

9. Does your fiance place undue importance in keeping family traditions and not upsetting their parents?

10. Do you simply sense something is fundamentally wrong and you can't put your finger on it?

Answers to these questions won't make any marriage perfect or unearth every potential problem but they will address most of the major ones. I know you might rather look the other way but don't. Your life and relationship depend on it. And if nothing else by asking these questions you may end up affirming that you really have found someone you can't live without.

Can Anyone Learn Anything From Soccer? Maybe.

We're going to another professional soccer game today. Our son is the public address announcer for the Chicago Fire and sometimes we get to sit with the boys during the game while Tim works and spend a little time as a family beforehand and after.

I've never been much of a soccer fan, however, playing baseball, basketball and some hockey as a kid. Soccer always seemed like too much running, too little scoring and a lot of fake injuries. But the more I watch these games, I see some life lessons that are worth talking about and modeling in everyday life.

It seems parents would be wise to discuss these now and then with your kids whether they actually play the game of not.

You don't always see the results of your efforts right away. Let's face it, soccer games with scores of 1-0 or even 0-0 are more common than 4-2 or 5-3. Results (most notably goals) don't just happen and usually don't occur in great quantity unless you're watching 7-year-olds.

Life works that way, too. Sometimes you have to work hard and long to see the results you want to see. And today's kids probably need to hear and see that more often to help them keep from becoming part of this oft-entitled generation.

You won't always win either. That's a lesson to be learned in every sport but it's enhanced in soccer because of ties. You can work really hard, lead the whole game 1-0 and then see the other team score in the last minute and you end up even. Life's the same. We don't always come out on top and sometimes others waltz in at the last minute and seem to get the same benefits. It doesn't feel fair, sometimes it's not, but it's life. Move on.

Sometimes great skills won't get noticed or appreciated. I have to admit that top-level soccer players are incredibly talented and fit. They run and run while making moves with a round ball and pretty much only their feet that most of us don't even dream about. And while soccer purists and participants generally recognize the high level of ability the players possess, many like me really don't appreciate their abilities for what they are. The lack of goals can imply that the players aren't doing that much of note when they are in many cases world class athletes.

We need to remind each other and our children that our efforts and abilities will never receive all the accolades they deserve. Nonetheless, we need to enjoy and embrace our accomplishments for what they are to us, to those who love us and to God.

Finally, we don't always live in the greatest of circumstances. Soccer, at least in the Midwest, is often played in lousy weather - rain, snow flurries, wind, you name it. And the game goes on anyway unless there is lightning. In fact, today's weather is supposed to be chilly, perhaps in the 40's at best. And in life we often have to go on in challenging weather - disappointments, challenges, steep roads to climb and wind, so to speak, in our face.

And that's what makes us stronger, tougher and more trusting in God.

So is there a game coming up? Look for a lesson or two.

Where's my favorite jersey?

"Do It Again" And Other Everyday Wonders

What parent or grandparent hasn't sighed a time or two when they've turned the last page of a book and the child in their lap says, "Read it again." And while we generally love those moments with our sweet kids or grandchildren, thankful that they even want to read these days, it's easy to want to just move on to something else.

It's tempting to wonder what significance could there be in those next few moments that couldn't wait for another time.

And while every reading session or other activity needs to eventually end, let me suggest why we not jump too quickly to wrap up our time.

Those opportunities don't last forever.  Before long our attentive readers won't be as interested, they'll grow quickly, move on to more fun or challenging pursuits. And God forbid, people die. We may not be there for the next book. One more time could be the last time - why not have it now?

There's wonder, awe and holy ground there. No, I'm not suggesting our little darlings are angelic all the time. God know mine aren't. But think about it . . . in just the reading of a simple book, a fearfully and wonderfully formed being is seeing, thinking, hearing, processing, enjoying, imagining and learning all at the same time. They are in the process of becoming who they are and who they were made to become, help and influence someday.

They, too, are wondering, revering this new knowledge and experience as though it's the best thing that's happened to them all day. And we get to be there.

God knows the beauty of repetition and made it available to us. Think about the creation story. Six days God designed new things and then pronounced them good or very good. He also made them, millions, billions and trillions in some cases, to do the same thing over and over. The sun comes up and sets every day, the moon circles the earth over and over, the stars keep shining their light from almost uncountable miles away.

You can sort of hear God saying, Do it again, sun. Do it again, moon. There's wonder in repetition that flows from the eternal, that is beyond our human abilities or understanding. Who doesn't want to see it one more time?

Observing God's hand in the everyday enriches and deepens us. Life becomes more fascinating, special and worthwhile. Things that once bored us become intriguing and our days take on fresh meaning and purpose because we saw the miraculous in the mundane.

So when you next hear the words one more time, be thankful. Enjoy the moment. You're in touch with the eternal, the holy, a special moment that you may never have again. Don't miss it. 

Three Things We Inadvertently Teach Our Kids

Most of us find ourselves modeling the actions of our parents, right? Even things we vowed we would never do sometimes just happen and we hardly notice.

However, we also teach our kids attitudes and actions that most of us would rather they didn't learn. And chances are that even when we see our sweet sons and daughters acting inappropriately we prefer to blame their nature, other social influences, the declining culture or some other handy sacrificial lamb.

Unfortunately, some of their responses are our fault. We the parents taught them how to live the way they do and we need to own our part in it. Let me suggest three of those lessons.

We don't really mean what we say. We supposedly lay down the law regarding when they'll go to bed, their need to clean their room or what they can and can't wear. But then they balk, come up with an excuse or two and we let things slide. And then they use that tactic again the next time and the next. And it seems to work. They have quickly learned that we're not serious and it doesn't matter if they don't respond to our exhortations right away.

We might subsequently tell others that our kids are not very obedient, but we've actually taught them that they really don't need to do what we say, at least right away.

The family revolves around them. How many families are simply running from event to event, practice to practice, rehearsal to rehearsal, all required for their kids? And in most cases there is more than one child involved so the schedule is even more complicated. As a result there are few meals eaten together or evenings when everyone is at home. Sleeping in and having a leisurely weekend morning is a thing of the past.

In other words, mom and dad spend most of their non-working time driving the shuttles, sitting in the stands watching or getting things bought or cleaned so these activity addicts can do it all the next day. And the kids likely begin to think they deserve all of our time, money and other resources. Mom and dad aren't entitled to relax, stay home or slow down. The family center has become the children and their activities and everything else bows down to them

More is more. Finally, most of our homes are not satisfied to be busy during one season, one sport or one extra-curricular activity. Child athletes almost always play multiple sports while some children play a sport, instrument and join a club or two. They can't just play on a local team either and they also at some point join a traveling league, more advanced conference or trendier academy. They are learning that you're only better if you do more.

So how do they learn otherwise?  You'll have to break some habits, go against the cultural grain, be serious and put our values into action, not just talk about them. You might risk having the children angry at you a bit more but when it's all said and done, they'll love you for it and probably be just like you someday! Teach them what you want to teach them. Forget the rest.

Real Parents Actually Parent

There are all sorts of things we can purchase these days that look like the real thing. You can find faux leather, fake diamonds and a luxury countertop that only looks like granite. When you're buying something that only mimics the original it's called a knock off and we have to constantly make sure we're not ripped off.

To be fair, there's nothing wrong with having a less expensive version of something if it saves us a little money and still works well, as long as it's not illegal.

But it's different with parenting. A fake version isn't acceptable or effective. It's really just a cheap substitute and can be harmful or damaging in the long run. Too many parents only think they're parenting well when in reality they're for the most part faux moms and dads.

A few samples of fake parenting might be . . .

Having discussions all the time with the kids instead of enforcing the rules.  "You need to get ready for bed," typically leads to "wait a minute" or "as soon as I'm done," rather than immediate, yet calm, action that gets the child to do what was asked. Instead of the child heading to their room mom or dad gets into a discussion with the child or children about why they can't obey at the moment. There's a place of healthy discussions with children, but not at the expense of obedience and fair discipline.

Giving children everything instead of expecting them to pitch in. Even little children can do small chores and bigger ones can handle larger responsibilities. Real moms and dads aren't always picking up the kids' clothes, cleaning their rooms and putting away their dishes or food. There can come a time when children are given an allowance and expected to contribute to certain things they want, give money away or to church and save for something in the future. Parents just manage these moments.

Making empty threats and not keeping our word.  This is another version of the first one, but extends into other promises such as expectations for school, attitudes and actions towards others. It's essential that husbands and wives stay on the same page here and not undermine each other's authority and leadership. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Spending more time watching sons and daughters participate in activities rather than building relationships and making memories.  Parenting today has in many ways become a glorified taxi service where mom and dad are expected to oversee a multi-faceted schedule, a fleet of family cars and an ever-being-drained pool of income to support it all.

Real parents talk to their kids, limit their commitments and engage in learning, growth and fun activities together.

There are lots more examples. Take a look around and see where you too might be unintentionally faking it.

You see fake parents produce fake, shallow, boring families. Fake parents ultimately hurt their children and keep them from being all God intended.  There's a better way. But you'll have to be willing to invest a little more, maybe a lot more - time, energy, emotion and even prayer. You'll have to do some hard things, not always be popular and put up with more push back and griping. 

But sometimes it's worth the extra price to get the real thing, isn't it? Splurge. Live it up. When it comes to parenting, quality matters!

Is Your Spouse Still Your Best Friend?

How many times do you hear it at a wedding or see it celebrated on Facebook years later?  Today (or on their anniversary) they say, I married my best friend. And that's a good thing. How wonderful that a two people grew through a wonderful, deep, meaningful friendship and decided to marry? Maybe you've said it and totally meant it.

The problem is that many couples have lost the reality of being best friends. They have no time for it anymore. I mean, don't best friends just naturally find time for each other, listen, talk without time limits, find things to do that they both like, do spontaneous things, dream dreams and laugh a lot, just to name a few?

But how many couples after a year or two or more would have to honestly say they've lost most of those friend-like actions? I would guess that most argue that they have jobs that demand more commitment, kids who require more attention and possessions that need more maintenance. We struggled too.

But if we have no time for each other to act like friends, then frankly we're not best friends anymore. We can say it publicly and sound romantic, but we're not. Sorry, but your friendship is over or at least on hold for a while.

The good news is that our excuses can be set aside and we can go back to a friend-filled marriage if we'll commit to several things. But I need to warn you . . . they can be a challenge for some.

First, build more margin into your family world. Yes, a few things might have to go or be cut back but is your marriage relationship worth it?  It should be. Make it that way. Shove some of the less important things out.

Second, intentionally put some friend actions back into your world. No, that need not require some some sort of schedule or fancy programming. Too much regulation will make it an obligation more than something enjoyable. But you will likely need to plan some spaces and ideas - coffees, lunches, evenings out or afternoons free - that will make it more natural to slide into a friendly activity. The more you do them the more natural and anticipated they can become.

Third, if you're a parent, you need to get over your child or children being the sole important focus of your lives. Great marriages based on friendship can never put their relationship on hold for the sake of their children's well-being alone. Where will your kids learn how to be married themselves, be friends and keep growing in body, soul and spirit? Yes, kids complicate things and may even reduce the frequency of your friend commitments at times, but never let parenting stop you from acting like your married . . . and friends.

So if you're going to say that your spouse is still your best friend, then man-up or woman-up and commit to living like it again if you're not currently. In today's culture, friends are hard enough to find. Don't forget about the one closest to home!

Five Discomforts Every Parent Needs To Embrace

There are lots of things parents endure that are certainly yucky or at least not much fun, right? We live with these irritations but would rather not have to face them: dirty diapers, kids with the flu, filthy clothes, messy rooms and food that lands on the floor, just to mention a few. You get the picture. These facets of parenting, though necessary, aren't exactly the most enjoyable parts of being a mom or dad.

But I want to suggest that there are at least five potential kid qualities that, while they too may make us cringe at times, should actually be welcomed. They will in most cases shine a beacon on wonderful, future possibilities that our children might never encounter without them. Don't push them aside.

The child who always has a better idea. Do you have a potential lawyer at home? You know, the one who you always had evidence and even witnesses to present as to why what they want to do, be or think is better than what you have in mind. These kids can be exhausting and of course at times need boundaries.

But these are also the kids who are going to be entrepreneurs, try new things and have the ability to think subjectively. They'll one day come up with better ideas for all of us and likely go a long way in the adult world.

The child who questions your most valued beliefs. This may also be the same child in the better idea group but here we add that they regularly question everything from your political perspective to your personal faith in God, the Bible or Heaven. And yes, you may spend much of their adolescent years debating and getting them to quit hating church or even go.  But trust me, they have the greatest potential to develop a deep, long-lasting, passionate faith, because they've dug deeply into truth. They don't just believe something because you as a mom or dad did. They make their belief system their own.

The child who doesn't like doing the things most others like. We live in a very activity-driven culture these days, with accomplishments, trophies, scholarships and other awards that are often agreed upon spoils for being successful.  And you're not popular if you don't participate. Add to that the fact that there are a limited number of acceptable arenas for that success - i.e. certain sports, certain music options and certain kinds of schools to enter - most parents would rather their child didn't deviate from that list.

But some of our kids do not gravitate to these common talents, skills and interests but take the road less traveled. They're into writing, specialized art, other cultures, history or acting and we need to  celebrate, encourage and listen to them. These are people in our churches who also need to be told they can do something in our gatherings and ministry that counts and is just as important as the more common talents. They add color and fabric to any group if we'll just let them.

The child whose temperament is different from the others. This uniqueness often fuels the others I've talked about but it's worth its own mention. One child will want to be with people all the time and rarely plays by himself or herself. Another, however, can stay busy and interested in lots of things while alone in a room for an hour or two. I have one of each extreme in my immediate and extended family. And at times I've honestly worried about both of them for different reasons.

But today one is a successful entrepreneur while the other is a tremendous graphic artist who's helped me on numerous occasions.

The special needs child who adds a little more challenge to each day. I've never parented a special needs child so I'm hardly an expert. But I've rarely talked to a special needs parent who doesn't regularly get blessed because of their child's extra insight, perspective and focus on what's important. Yes, they are often more work, at least for a long while. But that little bit of discomfort always brings greater joy that would not probably be experienced in the same way without them there.

So, mom and dad. If you're feeling a little overwhelmed about having a child or two or three that doesn't exactly fit some sort of mold you were expecting, consider yourself blessed. You may not see all the positive outcomes today, but the best is yet to come. Wait for it.