Seven Simple Habits Every Parent Should Teach and Model

We all can think of the great sayings of all time, some from the Bible, others wise proverbs and many the timely thoughts of great leaders and individuals. Most of these principles suggest practical actions and regular behaviors that will make life better, more joyful and certainly fulfilling.

But there are some that aren't quite as well known and yet I'm convinced every child should be taught to do, repeat and embrace as they grow into adulthood. They're not complicated, scholarly or widely studied in the literature. But perhaps being reminded of the things on this list will help you as a parent work a little harder at making them more normative in your home.

  1.  Always make your bed. I know, young kids don't often think about this one and we may feel there are other more important things, but a made bed tends to cause other things that day to be more orderly.

  2. Always tidy up your desk before you leave work or a project. This has the same effect as #1 and gets a person more ready and organized for the next day.

  3. Say "I love you" often to the people you truly love. These moments can be gone before we know it and we all need the reminder that someone does care.

  4. Always do your share. No one at your home should be expected to do all the work for results that bless the group. Teach kids early on to help pick up, do dishes and assist with other chores. You're a team, a family.

  5. Learn to say you're sorry. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes. But walking away from something we did that was rude, unkind or unfair should be unacceptable. It's okay to be wrong, but it's not okay to forego righting a wrong.

  6. Don't always wait until the last minute. Projects, chores and other tasks can be planned and thought about ahead of time. If not, they tend to suffer in quality and we take on more pressure than needed.

  7. Give as much away as possible. Keeping stuff rarely satisfies. Giving to others almost always bring you joy and is way more fun in the long run.

Pick one or two of these to start working on or taking to the next level. They may seem like little things now, but the dividends down the road can be huge!  Happy parenting.

Memorial Days Are Better With Stories

My dad, Harold Sinclair, served four years in World War II. He didn't die in the war. He passed away in 2000, a goal he'd told us about for most of our lives. "I at least want to live to see 2000," he reminded us most every birthday.

However, he could have died in the war and perhaps should have. You see, nearly fifteen years after his passing, I was in mom's attic going through an old trunk of his military things helping her get ready to move. My sister and I were passing things back and forth between attic and the main floor, reliving fun memories and determining what should be kept or not.

All of a sudden I pulled out a newspaper clipping from several documents in a folder and my heart nearly stopped. As I read it, tears came to my eyes and I quickly called my mom and Marilyn. The little article explained that my dad years before had won the Silver Star, one of the country's highest medals for bravery. He had risked his life to save some of his men while facing machine gun fire to do it.

I dug a little deeper into the trunk and sure enough found an old, faded box and the medal was inside.  My dad was a military hero. Sure he was a hero to us in other ways, but we never knew to what extent. My mom didn't know, we kids didn't know of this military award. I wonder if his mom and dad knew.

All I know is that I wish my dad were there to tell us about it. I wish he would have shared that when we were kids.  It would have changed a lot of Memorial Days into Memory Days, ones with far more meaning and impact. Yes, I know that those heroes like my dad were usually pretty humble and didn't want to talk about actions and events that may have had significant emotion and angst for them even years later. That's understandable and perhaps we should all just accept that.

However, it seems that young people today are missing out when they don't hear some of the stories of bravery, sacrifice and commitment that parents, brothers, sisters and others in their families exhibited and experienced for our country's freedoms. Who will pass on the legacy, the knowledge and pride to future generations?

Yes, war is hell and there's much that perhaps shouldn't be included in our stories. And our tales don't need to only be about the war, military or serving our country. But we don't need to remain silent and steal from our children the important lessons, examples and challenges those who served us so well and in many cases died for left us. Why don't we this year talk to our kids, share with our families and express some pride and thanks in story form about the ones who paid a significant price for us to freely enjoy this day?

Then perhaps the picnics, hot dogs, races and games will take a richer and deeper place in our thinking all year long.

A Top Ten List For Dads

I can't think of many things I've enjoyed more in my life than being a dad. Of course, there have been a few hard, even disappointing times, but not many. Kids will always be kids and I know I sure made my share of mistakes, learning how to be a father by trial and error much of the time.

But I couldn't be more proud of my son and daughter, now observing them parent their own kids while my wife and I get to enjoy these six grandboys without all the mess (well, most of the time).

And while there aren't any set rules to follow or practices to embrace that will insure fathering success, I wanted to share my personal Top Ten List for Dads.

These are a few practices and insights that seemed to make a difference in any successes I've had as a father the past three decades or more.

Successful dads:

  1. Love their wives.  They don't just act as though mom is another helper. They visually and with emotion show their children that they love mom in very tangible ways and are committed to her for the rest of their lives.

  2. Keep their word. They say what they mean and mean what they say, even if they're not perfect at that now and then.

   3. Act like an adult most of the time. Healthy dads leave their adolescence behind, man up and lead their homes well in a partnership with their spouse. They're not seeking significance from their offspring.

  4. Still have a childlike heart. They can also enjoy playing and having fun with their kids while being spontaneous.

  5. Take care of themselves physically but aren't obsessive about it. Good dads model health and care for their bodies, but they know they don't have to be a super-jock or lifetime athlete.

  6. Live out their faith in everyday ways.  Too many men sit on the sidelines spiritually. Great dads model spirituality, not waiting for their spouse or leaders in the church to grow their kids in faith.

  7. Laugh a lot for the right reasons.  Some dads joke around all the time out of insecurity. Great dads laugh and have fun because they are secure and don't misuse their humor and joking.

  8. Initiate important communication with other family members. Mature, healthy dads are willing to go deep and start important conversations about faith, struggles, concerns and life in general.

  9. Pray every day for their family. Solid, godly dads don't dabble at praying. They live on it. It's natural, but it's powerful. It's common and it's real, not just a habit.

10. Live like they are dying. They live as though every day might be their last. They enjoy moments, make memories and say what needs to be said.

No, there aren't any perfect dads but there can be some great ones. You can be one. I'm going to keep trying as long as I've got a chance. You know, live like I might be dying.

THE, (Yes), THE Most Important Parenting Principle

Thousands of books have been written on how to parent and many of them contain outstanding, practical ideas regarding tactics, strategies and plan old actions that effective parents do. Of course, some ideas work well in some families and some accomplish more in different homes with different children.

You always have to pick and choose, use some trial and error and know your kids well before you land on the Holy Grail kinds of parenting skills. I wrote my own book that I think has helped some moms and dads. It's called Turn Up or Turn Around Your Parenting and is available at Amazon in both paperback and Kindle.

However, I want to highlight something I cover in the very first chapter that I think too many parents overlook, play down or at best give too little importance. And I'm convinced that in a home where there is a mom and dad that this is THE most important parenting theorem and rule of all time. And if parents don't make this a priority the rest of the ideas in those thousands of books will matter little because they won't work, at least not for long.

So what is this gem of principle that I've baited you long enough with? Here it is: Moms and dads must be on the same page and carry out the basic rules, guidelines and disciplines they decide on. This sounds so simple but many parents knowingly or unintentionally actually undermine the discipline and guidance of each other by doing just the opposite.

It happens in a couple of ways. Sometimes parents actually do talk about what they're going to enforce at bedtime, for a curfew, regarding parties, riding in other cars, going to a weekend activity, etc. But then when that guideline is broken or questioned one parent or the other looks the other way, thinks the change is no big deal and the child wins.

Other times, parents have to deal with a more spontaneous ask from their child about what to wear, going out with friends, playing with their video game, going to bed at a unique time or whatever. These kinds of events can't be talked about specifically because they don't fall into any regular pattern, category or previous discussion's content.

But the problem is that parents often then make a quick decision not knowing whether their son or daughter has already asked about this or if the other parent knows a good reason why a decision one way or the other isn't a good idea.

The result of either of these scenarios not handled in tandem together and based on previously agreed upon parameters is two-fold:  One, the children begin to believe that they really don't have to keep most rules because they can be easily broken. Or two, one spouse begins to think that their input or discipline really doesn't matter because the other partner continues to allow the opposite. And the corollary is that the kids begin to think that one parent is an easy mark.

What's the answer?  First, parents must have those meetings that lay out the basic rules and guidelines for discipline. Of course these things change as the kids get older, but the meetings and clear determinations are important nonetheless.

Second, parents must commit to keeping those rules (there are of course exceptions but should be rare) even if the other parent isn't there to help enforce them. And when we don't know if the other parent has weighed in or has a perspective particularly regarding a more spontaneous ask that needs our decision, we came up with a phrase to say to our kids.

If you need an answer now, the answer is "no."  If you can wait ten minutes (or whatever time is required) the answer is "maybe." Which option would you like to go with?

Of course, 90% of the time they took the maybe route.  That was the option with some hope and promise behind it. Once we began to respond that way all the time our kids figured out that working us against each other or pushing back on the rule wasn't going to work.

So how are you doing?  Do you and your spouse need to have a staff meeting to re-visit your discipline partnership?  If you're having trouble enforcing healthy actions and attitudes at home it's possible that you need that gathering and a new team perspective.  Chances are you need to renew your commitment to helping and supporting each other when it comes to leading and guiding your children.

And for more detail on this and other practical stuff check out my parenting book at: http://amzn.to/1SCJv53.  Happy and more fulfilling parenting!

Three Things We Need to Quit Telling Our Kids

I'm confident I could find scores of studies that show parents really do have the ability to impact their children over time.  The research would no doubt suggest that if we do things relatively well we can teach our sons and daughters how to relate to others, love God, work hard, save for the future and someday lead a home of their own just to name a few. I'm thankful for that.

However, there are several things I hear parents regularly suggest to their children  and I just have one cautionary word for these likely well-meaning moms and dads: STOP!

I'm sure there are many examples to be mentioned but I'll go with what I call the big three, all untruths and errors we parents need to finally avoid saying or implying.

Just put your mind to it and you can do anything you want someday. What? No, our kids can't do just anything they want to do someday and neither can you. Kids with little athletic interest or skill won't make the Olympics. Someone like me who can barely cut a piece of wood or hammer a nail was never going to build a house and shouldn't for that matter. A child born blind isn't going to be an airline captain at Southwest. The more you think about it, the dumber this sounds.

And it's okay that we can't do everything we try or wish for. We're still humans, not Jesus. So let's not suggest to our kids that they will always succeed and reach their goals and dreams. What we mean, so let's actually say it, is that there are amazing things they can do and some will be things we only dream of now but the list won't be endless. There are exceptions. We just set our kids up for huge failure and disappointment when we're not honest.

Or a related misguided comment is, You're really good at that . . . when they really aren't. Again, we're falsely building them up believing that our phony praise will be good motivation and they won't feel bad. The problem is they don't need our pretend accolades to be successful. If anything, we would be wiser to help them find what it is they actually have an aptitude and affinity for and let them succeed at that!

We tell our kids that they're great soccer players at age five and many of them actually hate playing it every week, but we prod them on. In reality we often need them playing more than they do. Why do you think so many terrible singers get angry, throw tantrums or run down the street shouting obscenities at the judges who told them they were terrible on American Idol? Didn't they know they were horrible singers? Probably not.  In many cases mom and dad kept believing that they were awesome, going to someday be superstars and should never let anyone tell them otherwise.

The main result from this one is a bunch of kids who feel entitled thinking that everyone else should see that they're wonderful. But instead they become a laughing stock in front of millions on Idol or quit trying to find a job or go to college because they got turned down a few times. What happens to their view of themselves now?

You deserve to be happy. The problem with this seemingly innocuous comment is that it ultimately implies that our happiness is based on others giving it to us. And if those others do not come through for us, then we're victims, we've been mistreated, even abused in our minds. In addition, because we supposedly deserve happiness, then some take that as license to either demand it from others or focus all of their efforts and energy on pleasing themselves to dull the pain.

Instead, why don't we show our kids how we find happiness and joy even when times are difficult and life doesn't work the way we'd hoped?  Let's spend time pointing them to our God, our faith, the source of true joy even when we've faced tragedy, pain and sorrow.

We have much to teach our kids while they are in our homes. Let's not screw it up with messages that miss the mark of truth and reality by a long shot.

Who's Getting Your Time and Why They Need It in 2016

A young boy was waiting at the door when his weary father came home. "Dad," he said, "how much do you make an hour?" "That's none of your business, son," the father responded obviously irritated.

"But dad," the son replied, "I really need to know, really!"

"Okay, I make about $30 an hour. Are you happy? You just wanted to know so you could go and buy some toy or video game. So go to your room and think about how selfish you are."

The boy leaves, his shoulders slouched, his head down. Before too long the father began to feel a little guilty about his sharp reply so he headed up to the boy's room with a ten-dollar bill in his hand.  "Son, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have responded the way I did. Here's the ten dollars."

The son's eyes lit up and he said excitedly, "Thanks, Dad!"  He then proceeded to pull a wad of bills from under his pillow and added the ten dollars to it. Then he said, "Dad, now I have $30. Can I buy an hour of your time?"

Sometimes those close to us are longing for the same thing. Just an hour or so of our precious, focused, non-distracted time. Yes, we've perhaps been around our kids but have we been with them?

We get busy, distracted, focused on other things and maybe other people. But we cannot continue to give them our leftovers.

Culture will only get more complicated and faster this year. We can't wait for it to change. We must change. The time we have with those we love can end in a moment or at least feel like one. The country western song says it so well, You're Gonna Miss This. Yes, someday soon we're going to miss those little bodies running around that we would love to slow down, those hugs we get when we come home yet wish for some quiet and the conversations we might wish would end sooner.

So give the people you love your focused time now. And give less to those who are merely takers and aren't a part of your most important connections. Embrace your moments for what they are not for what you wish they would be. And make it rich time as well as extended time. Most children and teens need both quantity and quality.

Who needs your time and might want to buy an hour of it?  Give it to them soon - for free!

Experts Say "Parents, Get Out of the Helicopter!"

A year or so I took my first helicopter ride with a friend who is a rescue pilot in Texas. I loved it. The view was great even on a rainy day. It was fun looking over the traffic instead of being immersed in it.

However, it is one thing to ride in a helicopter.  It's very much another to live so to speak in one. And a number of studies the past couple of years have suggested that all the hovering parents tend to do these days to manage, control and manipulate only positive results in their kids lives is not helpful. 

A recent University of Washington study suggested,  Children of helicopter mothers were more depressed and less satisfied with life, and felt that they had less autonomy and were less competent.

"We think when parents are over-involved with their kids lives, they're undermining their sense of competence, both by sending a message that says, I think you can't do it yourself, and robbing them of the opportunity to practice those skills."

Many parents literally fly over and around their children on a regular basis thinking that they will help them prepare most effectively for the future. What they don't seem to know is that they are actually stealing healthy growth, independence and maturing from them.

As a result many kids not only have to have the best of everything these days - teacher, trainer, grades, experience, status on the team. They also have to look like it so every picture has the perfect smile, outfit and location.

Facebook for many is no longer just about communication. Much of it has become competition among parents to show how wonderful their offspring have done in life. Families subtly (or not so subtly) wage war to boast the best vacations, awards and even stories about the famous people their children have met or studied under.

So what does the research seem to imply to any of us who may be flying too closely to our kids?

Lighten up. Get out of the way. Let your children become more independent, make more and more decisions, learn from their mistakes and be imperfect. Of course, we should always be there for guidance and advice. And yes, there are boundaries we are free to have as long as they live in our house and we're paying the bills.

Provide some practical opportunities for your children to taste and develop independence. Even an elementary school child can learn from his or her mistakes or have to go to a teacher or friend and make things right. As they get older widen the path and add more responsibility with appropriate rewards or losses just like they would experience in their future education or work experience.

Admit your inappropriate role as a parent in staying too close. Are you trying to live through your child? Are their unresolved issues and events from your past that are causing you to put needless and unhealthy pressure on your kids? Talk to someone about it if need be but don't require your kids to carry your stuff around with them.

Maybe it's time to land that helicopter and just enjoy being back on the ground for a while.

Embrace The Joy At Home

Jackie and I just spent a week watching our three Lubbock grandboys, ages 1, 3 and 5. Ok, so we're exhausted, but it was great fun. The boys were boys but behaved wonderfully the whole time. Their parents have obviously done a lot right. Sure we had our moments and wondered how mom and dad actually keep up with the constant questions, activity and neediness that normal kids that age expend.

Sometimes we'd get them all into bed and quiet at night and we would just collapse.

And I was reminded of when we were those parents and had the daily, non-stop responsibility for our two. How did we do it?  I'm not sure other than by the grace of God.

But I wonder how many parents under the pressures of parenting their little ones, saying "no" fifty times a day and being worn out much of the time also miss the little joys along the way. Perhaps we need to laugh and giggle a little more in the middle of our kids immaturity, challenges and being prone to look at themselves first.

One day, Silas, the three-year-old, was jumping on the couch. So I said, "Silas, don't jump on the couch please."  To which he responded, "Don't watch me do it." It took everything I had in me at the time to not laugh and unintentionally condone his actions, but inside I was cracking up. Somehow there was joy in seeing that little mind at work.

Joy came when we picked out and then carved our not so exotic pumpkins. And more joy arrived the next morning when we got up in the dark and had lit the pumpkins for them in the dark. Joy came when they rode the swing or their scooters with all their might grinning from ear to ear.

Joy showed up when they got their favorite donut with sprinkles or made a simple tower out of blocks. Joy was there when the oldest began to read words he never thought he could read.

All those little things could have been missed if we'd only focused on the BIG stuff or been too busy being productive. 

And remember joy doesn't only come in the good moments.  Joy isn't just another version of being happy. Joy can also be the feeling we have when we see something great, some work of God, some specialness in the difficult times when life isn't going as we'd hoped. We can bring some joy to our kids when we love them anyway when they've messed up.

We can exude joy when we teach our kids important lessons through their mistakes. We can have joy when we see those little bodies and minds attach themselves to new little learning moments or special times that don't require a lot of fanfare, money or fame.

Find some joy at your house even if times are tough. It's there if we'll look for it.

Do You Know Where Your Kids Are? Really?

Yesterday I was driving home for lunch and was headed down a residential street just before reaching our street. And as I looked to my right I could not believe my eyes. I thankfully saw a little toddler who couldn't have been walking long in a diaper headed towards the road.

He was just ready to walk down the slanted concrete into the road so I slowed down looking frantically for an adult to follow or be nearby. There was none.

So I began to brake thinking I needed to swoop up this child and find his mother or father or someone caring for him. Only then did I see a women, I assume to be his young mother, race out of a home across the street and run toward the child shouting, "Oh my God, oh my God!"

Of course a lot of assumptions and wonderings went through my mind but who really knows what happened.  Hopefully it was a terrible mistake or carelessness that will never happen again.

Thankfully a potential tragedy was averted because this woman didn't know where her child was at every moment.

But I sometimes wonder if parents who would never dream of neglecting a child and endangering its life this way still don't know where their kids are.  At least they don't know much about their well being spiritually, socially, emotionally and even physically.

Parents everyday find out that their child is doing or feeling things they never knew about. And most of us are shocked when it happens, aren't we?  We wonder how we didn't have a clue.  In the worst cases it's parents of kids who end up killing someone later who apparently just looked the other way a time or two.

How do we keep track of our kids in real terms?  Well, there's no full-proof method but there are some places we can start.

Talk to them. Sure teens especially can be hard to connect with but always try. No matter what their age, don't badger, talk. Spend time with them beyond driving them places. Build a relationship by doing things together. Make it easier for them by listening, not lecturing.

Observe them. Take note of changes, odd actions or habits that suddenly change. Do not look the other way and always assume that these occurrences are just because of their age. That might be true but don't be naive.

Guard them. Yes, it's still a cruel world and kids can't handle all the pressure on their own. Guard against their doing too much, not getting enough rest and hanging with the wrong crowd.  Don't be a t tyrant or a safety fanatic but you must still be the parent and say "no" when your gut tells you something is not a good idea.

Teach them. Model healthy behavior, time management and faith. Teach them what it means to practically love God and follow Christ. Serve with them and give them opportunities to use their gifts to help others. Show them how to rest, care for others and do things that really matter.

You won't want or need to follow them around but you can still know where they are much of the time.

Red Flag Tensions in Mate Finding To Share With Your Kids

I've seen a few helpful lists online recently that suggest things to teach our children to look for or avoid in the person they marry. And most of them seem pretty accurate, worth talking to your kids about.

However, let me take a slightly different approach and discuss what I would call the tensions that must be addressed when embracing or rejecting a particular characteristic one sees in a potential mate. What I want to suggest is that even too much of a good thing may be as unhealthy and destructive as an abundance of a negative quality.

For example, let's say that someone is very careful about how they spend money. That sounds like a good quality and probably is. But what if their frugality becomes obsessive to the point where they never spend money for fun, for enjoyment, for special moments or for the spouse to use as they feel led?

It seems to me that we need to also help our children in selecting their future mate to prayerfully and wisely look at the whole spectrum of a person's qualities and be willing to admit that this person may have too much of a seemingly good thing. There may be some underlying need that causes that person to be overly positive which can ultimately become destructive and demoralizing.

Of course in every marriage there will be differences that we must learn to love and appreciate. No two people will ever be a perfect match. But let me suggest several spectra that I often see in marriages where that tension I'm talking about should have been considered and monitored. And let's face it some things can be hidden well but perhaps these suggestions will give you and your kids a place to start looking.

Do they have a sense of humor?  Or can they not stand humor and more specifically yours?

Do they care about the things of God, being like Jesus and their personal faith?  Or can they talk about nothing else so that they are really "of no earthly good?"

Do they talk to you?  Or do they ever stop talking period?

Do they love themself in appropriate ways?  Or are they the only person they care about?

Are they motivated, hard working and industrious?  Or is getting to the top their ultimate goal ahead of you and everything else?

Do they love children?  Or are they basically still a child and likely not going to change?

Do they share their emotions freely?  Or are they a loose cannon who hurts you and others with their feelings and words?

Are they careful and wise?  Or do they actually live in irrational fear most of the time?

Are they nice? Or are they actually just covering up deeper anger, resentment and bitterness?

Are they honest about their mistakes and faults?  Or are only concerned with yours?

There are lots more.  Let me encourage you to think of some that you might add to the list. Remind your kids that this is why they need to take time to get to know someone for a while. The real person doesn't show up on one or two dates or even in a couple of months of knowing someone. Make sure they see this person in a variety of settings.

And no, living together rarely helps this process. Playing house typically covers up or masks any real discernment about the other person under the guise of phony commitment.

When our kids do the hard work of pondering, experiencing and getting to know each other they have far more hope for success and a relationship that is all they hoped it would be from the first time they even considered marriage. Help them mom and dad. Give them some tools they need. I hope this might be one of them.

Are You Giving TO or Living THROUGH Your Kids?

I was standing at Starbuck's recently talking to a man who apparently attends my church now and then (it's a big church). He had introduced himself and we continued to chat as we waited for our espresso drinks.

But soon he said, "I need to gloat a little. Yesterday my son won the regional wrestling tournament and he's only a freshman!"  I of course congratulated him and could resonate with the pride he was feeling after a great accomplishment by one of his kids.

I am glad he felt comfortable telling me as I'm sure his dad tank was still overflowing as it should be.

However, I also know that some parents relish moments like that and then crave for more. The success of their kids becomes a drug that they can't shake. Perhaps the child is achieving in ways they never did or they merely have to one-up the neighbors. It doesn't matter the reason. Living through our children is a black hole that has serious consequences for them and us!

Some of those consequences?  We inappropriately push our children too hard. Instead of being honest about their abilities or lack of them we demand that they keep going and get to the next level. And we can subsequently send the message that unless you perform you're not good enough for us. And watching the success of the scant few who reached the Olympics this week doesn't likely help.

Second, instead of being normally proud we become narcisstically arrogant. Everything starts to revolve around their succcesses and it's all we talk about. We chart every statistic, keep track of every win or loss and brag on Facebook or at the next meeting with a friend about their performance. To be honest we can become an annoying pain rather than a cherished friend enjoying one's children.

Third, we can lose some of our connection with our child. We don't talk anymore about school unless it involves their skills, we rarely discuss everyday life and just focus on their sport, club, music or whatever. And it's possible that they too feel they can't really get our attention unless they've done something notable.

Finally, we can avoid looking at the void in us we're trying to fill through them. Chances are there is something in us that we're trying to soothe, a pain we're wanting to dull or a goal we still want to reach through their successes. And if we don't figure out what it is and learn to fill that void in healthy, spiritual, godly ways it will never happen. And we'll never be satisfied.

Are you giving to your kids in loving, caring and normal ways?  Or are you trying to live through your kids' successes?  Enjoy those special accomplishments. Tell them you're proud of them of course. But make sure you love them no matter what. That's the way God treats us and I don't think we'd want it any other way. Your kids don't either.

Teaching Humility In a Bragging Culture

The halfback runs hard with the football tucked under his arm into the endzone. The crowd goes wild as he pounds his chest, points both thumbs at himself and prances his way back to the bench of adoring teammates.

The movie star receives her latest statue as part of the fifth award show in three months. She spends the next three minutes explaining how hard work, living her dream and believing in herself allowed her to accept this latest accolade.

Preening politicians, arrogant singers and even local well-knowns spend much of their time telling us in so many words how they deserve all the praise, money and attention they get. Their motto seems to be: take notice people, I'm here.

But compare that to the soldier walking off the airplane after 11 months or more in a Mideastern desert serving our country. He or she may have some well-wishers waiting and even get a round of applause from those nearby, but the only accolades important to them at that moment are the hugs and kisses from their spouse and kids. They don't need a trophy, ceremonial music or a medal. There is no prize money or subsequent movie or record deals awaiting them.

They humbly return home simply knowing they did their best serving their country. They are true heroes. They are the ones who can help teach us and our children how to truly be humble, to not require or demand praise and fame and to live for something bigger and more important than themselves.

And every time I see one of those reunions online or television I cry. I'm moved by their sacrifice, by their lack of self-adulation and how they model what is truly important. It's time for our country to start tiring of the endless award shows, cocky athletes and arrogant musicians who think that somehow they represent the values and attitudes of the country. They don't.

It's time for us to quit watching, quit applauding and quit indirectly asking for more of their boasting. Let's stop buying their products, going to some of their movies and voting for them to get another trophy.

And perhaps most important, let's make sure we point each other and our children toward those examples of soldiers, volunteers, missionaries, non-profit leaders and the like who do what they do not because it's about them, but rather about others.

That's humility . . . with a capital H.

Stay Determined Parents! It's Hard But Worth It.

Recently as I was leaving a Target store, I saw a mother and her crying preschooler walk out just ahead of me. The little blond-haired boy was clearly upset, yes mad, saying over and over, "I want the gingerbread man, mom, I want the gingerbread man!" He must have said it twenty times in my hearing and kept going until the two of them reached their van in the parking lot.

Even as I walked by their car with the windows rolled up I could still hear him pleading with mom for that cookie.

But to the mom's credit she wasn't yelling or chastising. She had him firmly by the hand as they calmly kept walking out of the store. Her eyes were focused ahead, she said nothing and didn't flinch. The little boy at one point even looked at me perhaps hoping I would go back and get him the gingerbread man. His eyes seemed to say, "Help me, please!"

None of it worked. And in my mind that mom was a model parent at least for that moment.

She had perhaps faced this before. Either way she knew ahead of time what she would do and she was determined that her cute little boy was not going to win that battle. This was probably one of a number of watershed moments she had had and will probably have again that will convince her son that mom means what she says.

Would it have been tempting to give in? You bet. Would she have made a big mistake in doing so? No doubt.  There's nothing wrong of course with a gingerbread man cookie now and then. But when it's demanded and a tantrum ensues no child should ever be given what they want.

Through her determination she was teaching him that his tactics to change her response would not work. I would hope that sometime later she explained to him that there are other ways to both ask for things and to react when you don't get something you want. I would hope that she made it clear that she still loved him no matter what.

But her victorious moment of parenting today during a tough situation should get an A+ and will likely bring her great success down the road plus help her little guy to grow into a respectable, obedient and un-entitled young man someday. How are you doing when it comes to giving in versus your child getting their own way much of the time?

Remember winning a small battle now will likely assist you in winning the bigger war later.

My Most Offensive Blog Ever . . . For Parents

Alright, let's just say it.  I'm going to offend many of you with the premise of this blog. Some of you might even quit reading my stuff. A few will wonder how I can be so misguided but I'll take my chances.

Because here's my observation. And like Simon Cowell on American Idol or Howard Stern on America's Got Talent, I know I'm right.

The universe does not revolve around your children! Nor my children nor anyone else's kids. Our children are not the most important people in the world, our church, school or neighborhood. They do not deserve more than others and are not entitled to the first, best, optimum, finest anything. The world has not been looking for or waiting for your child or my child to arrive on the scene any more than anyone else's son or daughter.

Now let me be clear. I'm a parent and now a grandparent too. I love my kids and their kids. I want the best for them and tried along with my wife to give them as many favorable and positive experiences and training opportunities as possible. There is nothing wrong with desiring the best for our kids. But too many parents demand it and shove their way to the head of every line so to speak to get it.

I recently heard of a mom who was attending a Christian women's activity and who demanded that her preschooler be in the same childcare room with his friend, a friend who was not even the same age. Parents in a host of situations demand the best teacher, trainer, room, nursery worker, class, summer activity or coach and if they don't get it for little Connor or Clarissa they vent their anger, pull strings until they get it, make life hell for the leadership or find another program.

Comedian Bryan Regan talks about the people on airplanes who take ten minutes trying to get their large case crammed into the overhead compartment while oblivious to the people waiting to get to their seats. His description is hilarious though these rude travelers are not. You do wonder sometimes if this person in row 20A really thinks they are the only one on the airplane.

Pushy, demanding parents aren't funny either nor are we if we live our lives forcing our kids to the front of every social line. Sometimes in life we just don't get what we want. We need to get over ourselves.

Why might parents like us overreach, overreact and over- respond when it comes to our kids?

Perhaps we didn't get the perks and opportunities we would have liked when we were growing up. And yes, that is disappointing but we're not helping our kids by letting them think that they need every advantage now or are more important than the others. And we certainly aren't wise to use our children as some sort of payback for the childhood we never had. We're only going to injure our kids or a relationship somewhere.

We're fearful that if our kids miss out on that one teacher, class or experience they will be scarred for life.  Guess what?  They won't. In fact, part of growing, learning and maturing is to face experiences that are extra-challenging, where you don't have all the advantages others have and work through it anyway. Many of the perks we're perhaps panicky about today won't even be remembered by us or our children in five or ten years.

We're just plain selfish. I know none of us like to hear this one but it's worth asking. Have we become a little too entitled, arrogant and self-centered? Is it time for us to care about others more than ourselves? If we are Christ followers are we modeling the kind of spirit and attitude Jesus modeled? He modeled humility and restraint and was always sinless even in His dissent.

Is it time to take a step back, breathe in deeply and remember that life is about far more than being first or getting our own way?  Maybe.

One final caution. What our kids expect in life today is likely what they will expect tomorrow.  If they live an entitled life and watch mom or dad demand more for them at every turn, they will probably expect the same when they are adults. But they will be disappointed and likely hurt big-time when they find out that people and  life in general doesn't cater to them.

So enjoy your kids. Help them succeed, grow and mature. But they aren't the only star in the heavens. Just yours. Appreciate and love them for that.

Parents . . . Pick Your Battles

When law enforcement or military personnel get into a firefight, they usually take time to assess both the enemy and how much ammunition they have. While on television the heroes often unload their guns on the bad guys, that is not always wise. Sometimes you need to save your ammunition and as we say pick your battles. The wise fighter decides quickly how much attention they are going to give to the potential threats around them.

Parents must do something similar at home. Yes, parenting can seem like a battle or war at times but I want to think a bit more practically. There are actions, responses and other things that bother us from our children that we could fight against and expend all sorts of energy on, but wise parents fight the most important ones.  Somet things just aren't that big of a deal.

For example, is that clothing choice your eight-year-old made worth fighting over?  How about the toy your three-year-old wants to bring in the car or the friend your teen would like to take to the mall with you?

You see, there are usually bigger things to fight for or about and that's where our attention needs to be as we make our decisions concerning our kids' choices.

Let me suggest a few.

Is their choice immoral or dangerous?
Are they responding to you disrespectfully?
Are you being played against the other spouse?
Has this decision already been made in previous discussions?  (Like bedtime, watching a certain kind of movie, etc.)
Is this a watershed moment where you need to make or reinforce a point?

If the answer is "yes" to any of these or other similar questions then start "shooting" your parental bullets and be sure you win the battle.

But there are some things you can do that will help the battle keep from unnecessarily escalating.  First, give them choices when you can.

Second, speak firmly but nonchalantly. You don't have to shout to get them to make a better choice.

Third, hold your ground. Only make "threats" you're willing to keep.

Yes, at times parenting will seem like a war but we can help keep it civil and with minimal friendly fire if we'll just pick and choose when it comes to which skirmish we're going to face head on.

"Gambling" At Home Rarely Works

I was behind a woman in line at a gas station/convenience store in Michigan the other day. And I couldn't help but notice that she spent sixty dollars on lottery tickets. I wondered if she gives up that kind of money every week or if she just felt lucky that day.

Either way, I know that the odds of her winning anything were infinitesimally small and that the significant portion of her money she was committing would likely be wasted.

Interestingly, it seems to me that there are a lot of things that we in our homes gamble on just as foolishly. 

We spend lots of resources - time, money, energy and emotion - hoping to get a  huge payday but unfortunately the odds are small. Let me suggest a few. 

We gamble that our kids will become a famous, successful superstar in something.  We secure the best coaches, send our kids off to other cities and/or follow them around the city or country hoping they will finally hit the big time.  And yes a small fraction make it and we see them on television. But the bigger percentage, like it is in gambling, never pay off. Is the gamble really worth it?

We gamble that as husband and wife we will love being with each other . . . AFTER our kids are grown. While the kids are in the house we might rarely date, work on our relationship or spend meaningful, intimate time together. Everything revolves around the kids. That is also a huge wager that rarely beats the house.

We also gamble that there will be time later to enjoy all the things we sacrificed while our family was growing. But sadly the numbers often work against us. A pastor we knew years ago worked hard and well at ministry and had planned to finally travel with his wife after he retired in his mid-60's. Sadly he died later during the year of his retirement. Gambling with death often won't beat the odds either.

We gamble that our kids will one day mature and be the kids we'd hoped they would be. In the meantime we can look the other way from bad behaviors, disrespectful attitudes and lazy habits. Providing our kids with purposeful lifechanging activities or involvement in a quality church youth program never becomes a priority.  As a result the odds increase that our kids will not grow in the ways we had dreamed they would.

You see the wise spouse and parent will not play the numbers for their future but simply do NOW those things that may not be available later when their bets are less likely to win. They work at as many of the best things they can in the present knowing that they all won't likely be there in the future. They don't let their hopes and dreams be relegated to the future only.

So don't make life at your house a poor bet. You can do better and win so much more by playing your relational chips today and tomorrow. God gave us the wisdom to do that now. Don't let the world's house win. Cash in today.

To Have Great Kids Start Early

So if you could describe the third-grader or middle school student, teenage or adult you would like your child to be what words would you use? Polite, self-controlled, kind to others, honest, obedient, God-honoring?  I'm sure we could make pretty long lists and many of us would include the same words.

Why?  Because they are words that describe the character, attitudes and actions we know make up great people, those who get along well with others, succeed in life and serve God by doing things that matter.

The problem is that many parents think these qualities will just appear in their children one day. In the meantime they wait for the child to get older before they try to instill and develop those qualities in their offspring. That is a huge mistake.

If you want your children to exhibit certain behaviors and attitudes start when they are little and I mean little. Yes, children are different in both personality and development so we can't all expect the same results at the same ages. Some kids push us harder than others and have a stronger will to resist the direction we want to give them.

In fact, that is why a lot of parents just give up and don't stay with training their kids in the way they should go because frankly it's just hard. But please don't make your child being a challenge an excuse for not digging the soil deep for planting personal seeds for their future.

We were just with our daughter Amy, her husband David and their two boys for eight or nine days. However, the youngest, Silas, who is just twenty-months, would regularly say thank you when he was given something. Twenty months. But that didn't just happen. They have a boy who is learning to be polite and they are helping him to it. In fact, their oldest, now almost four, has been learning politeness for a long time now.

Are those boys perfect?  Of course not and we cannot expect that. But too many parents simply do not try to build character qualities into their children early in their development assuming they can't learn these things. They can amd they will if we'll be actively involved.

And when your children push back, especially the strong ones, then yes they will require more repetition, reminders and practice. Your timeframe for success will be longer but it will be worth it. Don't quit.

Of course other factors are important such as modeling, family atmosphere and parenting styles. We parents must practice what we preach. But when we put intentional training along with natural modeling we are far more likely to have children who actually become what we've hoped and prayed for.

So start early.

Don't Add to The Bumper Bowling Generation

For years bowling alleys have utilized a system to help youngsters still have fun when they try to bowl. They put these foam cushions or bumpers in each gutter so no matter where the child rolls the ball it will at least go down the alley and hit a few pins and not end up in the channel.

And for those purposes it was and is a great idea. Most of those kids would never hit any pins the whole time if it weren't for the bumpers.

Unfortunately, our society seems to want kids to live all of life that way, with bumpers everywhere so they always succeed, never really lose and avoid most of life's disappointments. All the kids get trophies, ribbons and "good job" comments no matter how they perform.  In many ways we've almost removed disappointment, hard work and healthy competition from everyday life for kids, something that simply isn't true in the real world.

So should we go to the other extreme and just make every activity, sport and class tough, raw and ultimately may the best kid win?  Probably not. But there is a place for balance and letting our children experience life more the way it truly is and will be when they are older.

The benefits are important.  For example, kids need to learn to lose. They will not always be first, number one or get a trophy. Sometimes you give your best and someone else is better. That's OK and normal is the lesson we can teach here. We can show them how to lose graciously and as a good sport in the process. But what's the value in going over and shaking hands or telling the other team they did great when nobody won and it's pretty easy to do and say?

Second, losing can help increase their motivation to do better. Who wants to try harder when the result next week will be the same?  "I will get a prize whether I work hard or not. Everyone will think I'm wonderful even if I don't care and don't try."  And so they look for another "bumper" from mom and dad or the coaches to just make them feel good again for trying.

Third, facing hardships grows our inner strength.  In the Bible, God rarely took people around problems.  Instead he made them, including Jesus, go through them,. God knows that we learn to trust Him more not our abilities when we struggle, face problems and have to overcome obstacles.  Let's face it many of us face more struggle than victories in life anyway.  Now's the time to prepare them to still have joy and peace in the middle of our challenges.

So yes, we need to encourage our children and not make expectations so high they become exasperated as the Bible points out. But we also need to let them fail, make a mistake and not be the winner every time. And if we do, they will "win" in the biggest challenge of all, being the person of character and integrity God wanted them to be all along.

Top Five Things NOT To Do As A Parent

There are lots of things parents do and don't do that are certainly unique and special in their home. Even things like discipline can vary from family to family depending on the size of the family, setting and personalities involved.

However, after decades of parenting and counseling others, I'm pretty convinced of at least five things that parents should definitly stay away from no matter the nature of their household.  And yet as you look at the list I'll bet that you've done at least a few if not more of these. Read the list and then consider some better options that I'll throw in.

5. Don't try to get your kids to behave by yelling louder.  Yelling should be reserved for when our child is about to be injured, but not to get t hem to act. It's our actions that will get our kids to obey more than the tone of our voice.

4.  Don't forget to follow through on your promises - good or bad.  Discipline tanks when we are inconsistent.  When spouses have different rules and expectations or even as a single parent when we do one thing one time and something else another.  Say what you mean and mean what you say. 

3.  Don't try to be like them. Too many parents are trying to be their child or teen's friend before being their parent. As a result we give in more and often still try to live vicariously through them. Many parents are still trying to dress and talk like them too and if the kids are honest they hate it when we do that so stop.

2. Don't fight with your spouse in front of them. Of course we've all had those split-second moments when something flared up between us with the kids right there. But wise parents don't continue the argument with the kids as spectators. Yes, kids need to know that parents may not get along sometimes but they also need to be shown how to take the next step. Let them see you talk about how you're going to work through things and resolve them . . . somewhere else.

1. Don't trivialize your faith. So many parents make their love for Jesus and belief in God a little nice practice that the family engages in every week. They make sure they get their church time in and maybe even get the kids to the camps and other special programs. But it's essential that we teach and model for our children that our faith is the center of who we are and what we do, not just a fraction.

You can find other blog posts on each of these ideas by going through the index. But if you find any of these cropping up in your parenting . . . just say no.

Messed Up Kids? It May Be Your Fault!

All of us have dreams of being great parents, even the best parents ever, don't we?  We do our best, read books, attend a seminar if needed and watch others hoping to get a few tips that will help. And often we succeed and do pretty well. Other times we just pray that we can keep our kids out of therapy someday.

And while sometimes our kids mess up and make their own bad choices there are some ways that our kids' actions are probably the result of our poor parenting or modeling or perhaps just looking the other way.  Let me suggest a few examples.

Too involved in their technology. They watch too many video games, overuse their phone, sit in front of the television for hours and the like. In many cases we've given them all that and bought into their cries that everyone else has one of those or whatever. But the wise parent instead puts limits and boundaries on those things and requires that kids go outside, play with others or get involved in other healthy activities. And not every child needs their own smart phone or TV in their room.

Focused on themselves not others. We can subtly give our kids the impression that our home and lives in general centers around them.  Wrong. Early on they need to learn that yes they are loved and valued but that everyone in the home matters. How do you send a different message perhaps?  Fixing food all the time just for them, letting them constantly interrupt, allowing them to change their plans (and yours) all the time last minute. You can no doubt think of others. Take inventory.

Can't talk with adults. We let them go to another room as soon as adults enter our home or location. We don't teach them to speak politely, respectfully and intellectually because we always assume that they have no place in the conversation.

Don't make spiritual things important. The question is, how important is God and serving Christ to us?  Chances are they are modeling our behaviors and attitudes.

Get the idea?  It's important to understand that parenting does make a difference. And if we do it well the pressures from other parts of the culture will make a much smaller impact than we ever thought.