Why Your Marriage May Be Getting Stale Without You Knowing It

Have you ever headed to the refrigerator anticipating a cold drink of milk or juice, a crisp piece of fruit or a crunchy vegetable. Or maybe your more decadent taste buds were already salivating as you thought about that one piece of pie or other dessert still there.

But when you went to take that first drink or bite, you knew in an instant your choice was no good anymore. The delicious flavor had lost out to time. Nothing would save it and you threw it all away.

Things get stale, deteriorate if left alone, even in an environment designed to keep them fresh a little longer like a refrigerator. And so do marriages. Without attention, care and intentional feeding our relationship, though perhaps in a relatively healthy environment can become pungent and lose its flavor if we don't make caring for it a priority.

We get busy, focused on our kids or parents, run ragged at our job, overwhelmed by too many commitments and don't notice the deteriorating relationship with our spouse.

And if we don't stop and re-evaluate, shore up our time, intimacy and connecting as a couple, the results may approach being irreversible like that piece of fruit that has lost all its flavor and shape.

So what do we do to keep a marriage fresh?

Of course, there are hundreds of ideas that can help, some working for one couple, different ones being effective for others.

But let me repeat a few general guidelines:

Take inventory. Get away or take an evening or two now and then and admit how you're doing or not doing. Be honest. Ask each other, How do you think I've been doing as a spouse the last few months? Be lovingly ruthless and admit it if you've gotten distracted. Talk about what the two of you might work on to put some focus back on yourselves.

Add margin. You will never enrich your relationship if you don't make time for it. I can't tell you specifically what to do but I can pretty much guarantee that you'll need to cut something  -  attending so many kids' activities, not volunteering as much, letting go of some overtime, you decide. But it will be worth it. Is anything worth losing the most important relationship, apart from God, that you'll have in this life?

Do some planning together. Think about some things that you both would enjoy doing that you're not going to wait to do until after you retire. You can't do them all, but how about some of them?  A trip, weekend away, take a class, do a missions trip, a cruise, etc.

Marriages left alone don't stay healthy and vibrant. And we can't blame when they do on nature alone. It's our choice to keep our relationship strong, exciting and always growing. Check your marriage refrigerator often.  That can save you a lot of surprises and disappointments.

Happy and Faithful Are Boring, But The Best

I read an article that interviewed an actor whose character was just written out of the show during the season's latest episode. And as part of one of his answers to why they couldn't always make his character happy he responded essentially saying that "happy doesn't make for good drama."

And he's right. Happy is way more boring for television or a good movie than action, struggle, manipulation and revenge. An intruiging story will most often have a protagonist, antagonist, numerous plot high points and low points and a host of surprises. That's why many Christian movies aren't very good - they don't tell interesting stories because they try to make everything always work out fine. But in reality it does not.

Newspapers, sitcoms and the latest films rarely focus on people who stay the course, are naturally happy and stay faithful to their spouse, other family and friends. They're boring. Who wants to hear about that?

Who wants to know more about the person who simply loves God for decade after decade but never makes a headline for some horrible mistake or a huge endeavor? Who wants to hear about the single mom who year after year works hard outside her home, then comes home to work until the kids are in bed only to do it again the next day and the next?

Who wants to read about the dad or mom who worked steady, average jobs all their lives so their son and daughter could both go to the college they never went to?  Not many. But I do because that was my mom and dad.

You see happy and faithful don't necessarily make great drama but they produce rich marriages and family. And when I talk about happy I don't mean some syrupy, never-real, never-honest kind of relating. No, I mean that people have something deep within them that truly satisfies and fulfills, not just getting more, succeeding more or partying more.

And faithfulness to God and to each other doesn't necessarily mean some sort of drab, no fun kind of existence. It's commitment that lasts and love that overcomes even the toughest challenges. There are lots of things that are boring which have to be done over and over for a long time that have worthwhile results. Scales on the piano, thousands of golf swings, a language practiced and math tables memorized.

What are the members of your family learning and committed to do that may be a little boring now but that last for a lifetime?  Make sure your home includes some of those and that you remind each other that being boring isn't always so bad.

Red Flag Tensions in Mate Finding To Share With Your Kids

I've seen a few helpful lists online recently that suggest things to teach our children to look for or avoid in the person they marry. And most of them seem pretty accurate, worth talking to your kids about.

However, let me take a slightly different approach and discuss what I would call the tensions that must be addressed when embracing or rejecting a particular characteristic one sees in a potential mate. What I want to suggest is that even too much of a good thing may be as unhealthy and destructive as an abundance of a negative quality.

For example, let's say that someone is very careful about how they spend money. That sounds like a good quality and probably is. But what if their frugality becomes obsessive to the point where they never spend money for fun, for enjoyment, for special moments or for the spouse to use as they feel led?

It seems to me that we need to also help our children in selecting their future mate to prayerfully and wisely look at the whole spectrum of a person's qualities and be willing to admit that this person may have too much of a seemingly good thing. There may be some underlying need that causes that person to be overly positive which can ultimately become destructive and demoralizing.

Of course in every marriage there will be differences that we must learn to love and appreciate. No two people will ever be a perfect match. But let me suggest several spectra that I often see in marriages where that tension I'm talking about should have been considered and monitored. And let's face it some things can be hidden well but perhaps these suggestions will give you and your kids a place to start looking.

Do they have a sense of humor?  Or can they not stand humor and more specifically yours?

Do they care about the things of God, being like Jesus and their personal faith?  Or can they talk about nothing else so that they are really "of no earthly good?"

Do they talk to you?  Or do they ever stop talking period?

Do they love themself in appropriate ways?  Or are they the only person they care about?

Are they motivated, hard working and industrious?  Or is getting to the top their ultimate goal ahead of you and everything else?

Do they love children?  Or are they basically still a child and likely not going to change?

Do they share their emotions freely?  Or are they a loose cannon who hurts you and others with their feelings and words?

Are they careful and wise?  Or do they actually live in irrational fear most of the time?

Are they nice? Or are they actually just covering up deeper anger, resentment and bitterness?

Are they honest about their mistakes and faults?  Or are only concerned with yours?

There are lots more.  Let me encourage you to think of some that you might add to the list. Remind your kids that this is why they need to take time to get to know someone for a while. The real person doesn't show up on one or two dates or even in a couple of months of knowing someone. Make sure they see this person in a variety of settings.

And no, living together rarely helps this process. Playing house typically covers up or masks any real discernment about the other person under the guise of phony commitment.

When our kids do the hard work of pondering, experiencing and getting to know each other they have far more hope for success and a relationship that is all they hoped it would be from the first time they even considered marriage. Help them mom and dad. Give them some tools they need. I hope this might be one of them.

Don't Miss The Warning Signs Before Marriage

John and Alice were so in love.  They couldn't wait to get married.  They'd known each other for a good while and everyone expected marriage was a given. They had a date planned for a wedding in about a year and were just beginning to put some details in place for their special day.

Nothing in their minds could keep them from committing to spend the rest of their lives together.

Sure there were a few things that irritated John. For one thing Alice spent nearly an hour every day on the phone with her mom. But they were probably also talking about wedding details so that didn't seem like a big deal.

He did notice that Alice's dad was pretty quiet and never said much but he was nice nonetheless and he and John's future mother-in-law seemed to get along well.

John did wonder from time to time about Alice's continued connection to an old boyfriend, but they just seemed to be good friends and John liked the guy too, so what was the big deal? Alice would often tell John that she wished he was a little more like Alex the former boyfriend, but she was just trying to help John, right?

But five years later, John began to wonder if he should have noticed some of Alice's tendencies, actions and habits. No, there would never be a perfect wife but had he missed some warning signs that would have told him about potential big problems later.

Because now, Alice continues to put more stock in her mother's views than his. Alice still sneaks around texting Alex, keeping their "friendship" going but not telling John. And to this day John has still never felt any respect or deep affection from Alice. She continues to belittle him about most everything and they have little intimacy of body, soul or spirit. He wonders if that's really the way her dad is.

When I deal with couples in marriage counseling, I have found (and so have they) that there were almost always signs during the dating phase of their relationship of potentially bad things to come.  But instead of talking about them, exploring more and even deciding not to marry the couples simply ignored the signs and hoped things would change or never show up at all.

Of course we must understand that we can never know our spouse completely when we marry. People change and so do circumstances. The covenant we make at the altar must endure beyond good feelings and be lived out through two imperfect people.

But there are warning signs that may also tell us this marriage shouldn't happen, that there are qualities, habits or attitudes in the other person or their family that will not help that marriage be a healthy and godly one. Do not ignore them.  You must explore them, talk through them with a qualified pastor or counselor and prayerfully consider whether the marriage will work and be fruitful.  A spouse who is not willing to look deeply within themselves is going to have trouble with honesty and authenticity later.

Some potential areas of concern to watch for are: unhealthy relationships or connections with parents or other family, unresolved abuse issues, strange marriage role perspectives, distorted views toward the opposite sex, unaddressed fear and anxiety concerns, distorted ideas concerning money, children or God.

So what does a person or couple do to avoid trouble later. First, take notice of the signs.  It may just start as a bad feeling but don't ignore it. Explore, get wisdom, find out more.

Second, talk about it with the other person.  Most of the time you need to get someone else involved who will help you both look honestly at your concern to determine if it's anything significant. This is why quality premarital counseling is essential!

Third, be willing to postpone your wedding or break up. There are far worse things one of them being sitting in an office like mine years later in despair with little hope knowing you made a big mistake and those hidden problems are now major problems for your relationship.

Marriage can be wonderful and it's always a growing, learning, giving and sacrificial commitment and covenant. But marriages with unrevealed disease and dysfunction are usually doomed to die a slow death. Don't miss the signs.  They're usually more obvious than you think.

Getting Old Doesn't Need To Mean Getting Worse

OK, so I have to admit I'm not a kid anymore, in fact I'm creeping out of middle age and perhaps getting closer to Middle Earth! I saw that common sign again today at most big box checkout counters that says something like, If you appear to be under 40 we reserved the right to ask for ID if you purchase alcohol. No one is carding me that's for sure.

And yet it seems like so often in our society we write people off who don't fit our nice, beautiful and useful profile anymore. The gray hair is increasing, they walk more slowly and have certainly lost a lot if not most of any physical attractiveness.

But I'm convinced (and so is a lot of research) that people in their 60's and beyond still have much to offer God, their community and families. For that to happen of course requires that they themselves don't bail on life, quit being productive and think they should just sit on the sidelines. Some need to be reminded that people's 50+ years are the most productive and their 60+ years are second on average.

Think of Billy Graham and Paul Harvey who both have flourished personally well into their 90's.  Mr. Harvey died recently still busy and fruitful, doing amazing things known all over the country. As we age we also bring that much more experience and wisdom with us and it needs to be shared. Some of us need to start or continue writing, teaching, perhaps even putting some of our ideas on video for people to see and hear for decades to come.

Families need to also enlist the elder men and/or women  from time to time and let them tell their stories and share their insights with the younger ones.  That's Biblical, too, you know?  Some of the best mentors on the planet are people nearing retirement or already there. We just need to give them a forum. Why not bring t he old and young together more in churches?

So if you're getting up there in years don't think of this as the end, consider it more as a new beginning, an opportunity to pass on things for the next generations.  And if you know someone who might feel relegated to the sidelines, invite them into your conversations and let them still make a difference. They won't always be around, you know?

Teaching Your Kids Life's Not A Free Ride

My daughter Amy was talking to one of our three-year-old grandsons about doing some easy jobs for his age to earn part of the money he needed to get a bike he liked. However he responded, "But I'm not a grown up. I'm just a kid. How about you earn it and I just ride it?"

Sounds like a lot of older kids these days. "Mom and dad, you pay for it and I'll just enjoy it."  That's said or at least expected about many things kids have these days from cell phones to video games to clothes and much more. Now of course, we parents are to provide for our children and we can't expect them to earn or even save huge amounts of money for everyday expenses.

But we're missing golden opportunities to teach our children about the value of both hard work and saving up for something if we don't give them a chance to actually try those things. Is it any wonder that so many adults, young and old, are burdened with huge amounts of debt? Many, at least, were never taught that things in life don't just show up and that we're not simply entitled to things because someone else, including the government, will pay for it.

I heard of some parents once who took a week's paycheck and got it in one dollar bills.  They placed it in piles on the kitchen table dividing it up into the parts it would take for that week's expenses or budget. Their kids got an eyeful when they realized that there wasn't this huge pile of money that could just be spent on them!

It's that kind of illustration and giving our kids a chance to earn some of their own way that teach them vital lessons about life and money in general.

And if they don't have any actual financial earning power outside the home, let them earn something within the home like our daughter is doing. Of course, you have to be reasonable. You can't expect a three-year-old to be washing the car. We limited our three-year-olds to just doing all the laundry. OK, I'm kidding, but there are things they can do. Keep a chart so they can see how they're doing.  The chart may have to be different depending upon their age so that they can really tell if they're making progress.

Sometimes you can go halfway with them as they get older. "I'll pay the second half of that game once you earn enough for the first half."  That can be great motivation if the goal is realistic. If they get an allowance teach them to save a portion, give a portion to God and to put aside another part for something special.  If they're old enough it becomes a very practical lesson about fractions, too.

So, if you haven't started your kids on learning what it's like to be in the workplace this week would be a good time to begin. Remember, your kids are going to be the parents someday in a home. It would be nice if we helped them out with the finances now.

When Does A Parent Let A Child Quit?

Our son was in the 7th grade and wanted to quit band. He played the trumpet and from what we could tell was pretty good and had some potential. However, we also didn't want to be the pushy parents who made a child do something they both hated and would ultimately resent.

Been there? Sure, most parents come to these crossroads with sports, piano playing, art lessons or some other potentially enriching activity for a child wondering just when to pull the plug on their involvement when they object.

I remember wanting to quit my lessons as a kid when they became too hard and my parents simply said, "Right, over our dead bodies.  We've spent too much for you to quit now."  As tough as that sounds I'm glad they didn't allow me to stop since I've used and enjoyed my musical background most of my life in some way.

So what does a parent do in those situations?

First, it always helps to consider a planned, strategic trial period. That means that you and your child agree that you're going to try if for another marking period, few months, summer, etc.  However, during that time you have to be assured that you get their best or the deal is off and they will just have to stay at it.

Second, you might also try some options. With our son, he had done a significant trial period in band so we gave him a choice.  He could either stay in band or would have to take private lessons for the next semester.  Then we would evaluate whether he would continue either of those or just stop.  The lessons option, however, required that he still give playing the trumpet a significant shot before we just dumped it.

Third, be sure to listen to your kids about their feelings.  No, most young kids don't have the maturity to decide on their own whether an activity or training should be stopped or not but their feelings are real.  We're glad we listened to Tim because there were some genuine concerns he had that we needed to know about and we were able over the next year to help him navigate a good course rather than a destructive one.

Too many parents are pushing their kids to do what the parents want and end up injuring their child physically, emotionally or intellectually because they didn't listen to the child at all.

So, as you come to those watershed moments, don't just cave in or push insensitively.  Be the parent but be sure that you walk alongside your child and make good decisions together.  Because like us the results can be good. We got to watch Tim playing first trumpet in the Rose Parade. That ain't bad.

Do The Small Hard Things Now At Home

It was just discovered that I have melanoma on my scalp. Thankfully my dermatologist caught it, removed it and the odds of a full recovery are nearly 100%. However, I also know what can happen if it isn't found. People can die. My doctor told me just that.

Having it removed is frankly a bit painful and certainly not a fun process. It was not the highlight of my day. But I'm thankful I could go through a little pain now to avoid some tragic consequences later.

Unfortunately many spouses and parents avoid doing the little things now that could have great dividends later. It just doesn't seem like a big deal, perhaps, but let me suggest a few things that probably matter big time down the road.

First, if you're a parent hold to your boundaries and guidelines. No, you don't have to be a tyrant but don't give in, be consistent. Make sure your rules are fair and age appropriate but disobedience gets chipped away at a little at a time.

Second, make time for each other. Build margin into your life, have time to talk as a couple or family and have significant times of play and relaxation. Too many families have every hour of every day other than sleep programmed with enriching activities but enjoy too little time to just be together.

Third, do more with less. Most of us need far less than we have and if we're honest much of that stuff steals even more time from us because we have to take care of it, clean it, repair it or maintain it. We probably don't need as much car, house or amount of clothing as we think we do.

Fourth, give more away. If we want to teach our children to be generous they must see our generosity as a normal part of our way of life. Give to local agencies, your church, other needy people who live nearby.

You see, any of these simply acts could easily be neglected. And to do them may cost us something. They may be a challenge. But it will be far less than what we might lose if we don't do them. Start now.

Learning to Parent in the Still Water

I've never forgotten an illustration that Pastor Gordon McDonald told years ago, one that I've since learned more about firsthand. When you go whitewater rafting they first teach you the proper techniques, commands and responses to trouble when you are on land. Then once you're in the raft they have you practice while you're in the slowly moving water.  The whole idea is to help you get ready for the challenges of the bigger rapids downstream.

It was an important reminder that it's always foolish to wait to learn how to do anything challenging once you're in the middle of the struggle.  The same is true of parenting.  Our kids are going to test us - our patience, our reactions and our perseverance.  So we must do what we can to prepare in the still waters of our homes for what might happen in the class four and five rapids of everyday life.

Of course we can't prepare for every possibility, but we can do our best.  For example, have you decided what you will do when your child misbehaves in a store, restaurant or other public setting?  Do you know what you will do as they push back when you give them a deadline, time or instruction?  If you're married have you and your spouse agreed on common actions and alternatives that you will use together when your children aren't their normal angelic selves?

Now what you do is up to you.  There are a variety of approaches and responses, many of which are best determined by you the parent who know your child best. Discipline ideas and suggestions are for another time.  But I can't say enough about thinking through your options and strategies ahead of time.

First of all, you will be more confident.  Your child will be less likely to try to get you to respond differently if they see that you aren't willing to waver.  Second, you will be more comfortable being out with your kids.  Third, you will have more success in getting them to respond to your guidelines and direction. Finally, you will be less likely to get out of control and to say or do inappropriate things out of mere frustration and anger.

So, get ready for the rough water.  It's up ahead for sure.  But meet it well, knowing that you are as ready as you'll ever be.  It will be worth the time and you just might find those swirling rapids weren't as bad as you thought!

Are You Doing HOME Maintenance?

We just experienced extended, freezing temperatures in Austin, TX. That doesn't happen very often. We even got an inch of snow, the kind of thing that only shows up once or twice a decade! Unfortunately a lot of homes and their owners weren't prepared for these unusual stresses.

As a result, pipes froze and broke. And before long what started as a slow leak turned into a major flood and some unfortunate damage occurred for some.

The same can be true in families. They don't prepare well, haven't provided the kind of insulation and warmth their homes need and let slip some of the important emotional maintenance that should have been taking place all along.  And if they're not careful, the drip, drip, drip of family or spousal concerns can become a damaging flood that no one saw coming.

So, while we can't avoid family struggles and concerns, we can at least do our best to manage and maintain.  How?  Well, don't get apathetic.  Don't assume everyone's just fine. Listen to each other, take inventory now and then, ask some questions.  Sometimes just spending meaningful, focused time with your spouse and/or kids will help you know what's going on and what needs attention.

Anticipate the potential problems.  A lot of people where we live found out they didn't know where the water shut off valve was and when the flooding started were in big trouble. Have you determined what you will do in a crisis?  Do people in your family see you as a cool cucumber when stress comes or are you the one who freaks out every time something goes even slightly wrong?  Do you have some helpful valves so to speak that will help deal with anger, disappointment, and even tragedy?

Do you have  resources and people who you can call on to help you through the hard times?

Keep learning. None of us has all the answers. Our community shared a lot of ideas through an email connection I happen to facilitate when the problems started happening.  We all learned a lot, some the hard way.  Nonetheless, I think everyone knows now that we need to be a bit more intentional about learning what we can in the still water (excuse the pun) before we hit the rough waters.

So keep reading, listening, and gaining from the insights of other wise people about marriage and parenting.  Grow your soul through your relationship with God and spend time with others who have walked the path before you.

And when a family pipe bursts at your house maybe you'll be a bit more ready next time. Or perhaps you'll have done enough to keep it from happening in the first place! 

Being Ready For Parenting Turbulence

On a recent flight I sat next to a new, young pilot-in-training.  He even asked to sit by the window so he could see more of what was going on outside.  I asked him a couple of flying questions and he was more than eager to tell me what he knows.  As a long-time wannabe pilot I found his discussion fascinating and it made the trip go by faster, too.

However, not too long into the flight we encountered some pretty bumpy air, more than usual. I wasn't panicky (I happen to enjoy flying) but I looked over at the young man and he was as calm as a cucumber.  He said, "I don't get worried unless my head is hitting the ceiling."  I guess that's the kind of pilot everyone wants flying their plane.

Parenting can have its bumps, too, and Jackie and I found it's a good idea to prepare as much as possible for it ahead of time. While we can't ever totally know what our kids will do, our kids need to know what we'll do!  And so do we!

This is especially true for families with both mom and dad at home to together about strategies and steps they'll take when things might hit the fan.  Are there certain things you'll at least both agree to try when a child has a meltdown?  Can you agree on actions you'll avoid at all costs?  Are you willing to leave a restaurant, someone's home or wherever if things get out of hand? What are your options?

Have you decided on your limits or what you will do when a child has simply had enough and it's not wise to push them any further?

These kinds of discussions are important so that you as parents can be on the same team and provide a helpful and united response when your kids go beyond acceptable limits.  If you're a single parent then at least do some homework about what actions and words are actually doable for you and appropriate.

Take inventory of those times at your house or with your kids that are bumpier than others. For some it's time at a restaurant while for others it's bedtime. It's helpful to arm yourself with some practical strategies that you can use when the bumpy air comes along on your journey. If you need some ideas, talk with some other parents about what they do in certain situations, read some good books or even someone's blog like this one!

And then at some point you need to act. Show your kids what you will do and won't do when things get rough. Turbulence in parenting is inevitable, but it doesn't have to cause great harm or unmanageable angst if we're prepared for it.