Why Many Kids Today Are Killing Their Parents . . . Well, sort of.

Sadly, we read almost every week that some family dispute has again occurred and one of the members of what was a generally loving family, mom, dad or a child was killed by one of them. These scenarios are always tragic and horribly sad, but seem to be increasing in many part of the country, most notably larger cities.

However, there is also slow death and dying going on in many more families though thankfully, no one is losing their life per se. If not who, what's dying?

It's meaningful relationship.  It's family time, sometimes church attendance and involvement and memory making together. But perhaps worst of all, many husbands and wives are basically ending their marriage relationship the day their first child comes into the world. While the dwindling of togetherness may move slowly for a while, their relationship can almost disappear once their first child becomes involved in any activities and/or another child comes along.

And obviously more children (and of course more activities) simply add to the messy matrix that absorbs everyone's focus, time, attention and any hope for much in th eway of family interactions.

Sure we cover the problem by attending all their games and activities but most of our interactions are comments like, Call me when you need a ride or Good game! or Be sure you have your homework done.

We call it relationship when we're in their presence, say sitting in the auditorium or the stands watching them participate or driving them to a practice, but it's faux relationship.

And at some point wise parents make some key decisions, not ones that are always popular with family, school parents and the kids. Let me suggest a few of those important choices:

Limit the number of sports, activities, rehearsals and practices you children are involved in. Kids don't have to be in every sport, music group or advance class of something.

Make a family time vacation at least a once or twice event each year.  Plan it together, anticipate the possibilities and be sure there are group activities that are fun for everyone and don't require technology.

Be a mean parent and limit the amount of screen time your kids have on their pads, computers and other technological devices.

Parents need to plan regular husband and wife getaways that the kids actually observe them taking. This is modeling, folks, and your kids may not learn the importance of time together as spouses from anyone else. And single parents can work at saving up for their own getaways as well. That's what grandparents are for.

You can choose your own other ideas to give your family margin and more time for each other. In fact when all is said and done and the question needs to be answered, "What's BEST for our children and what's just GOOD or BETTER?

So often we focus on what looks best competitively for our family when we need to think about what would best help each child grow as a person, future leader, spouse and Christ follower while helping the parents to grow in their love and commitment to each other. And instead of killing their relationship a family like yours could actually be bringing life into your home. What could be better than that?

Five Essential Things To Ramp Up At Home Next Year

Okay so very few of us ever follows through on a New Year's resolution. But maybe if we put our minds to it we could actually make a change or two over the long haul. Let me actually suggest five areas to work on to take your home to a higher plane this year.

First, spend more time with your spouse. The number one reason couples struggle is because they don't act like friends much anymore. And remember when you were dating you had little trouble spend huge amounts of time together. While you were busy very little got in the way of your time together. That has likely changed big time. Make time again for each other.

Second, make more memories that involve your whole family. Make spending time doing fun,  unique and even giving things that you do together. We spend way too much time in the car and in the stands merely watching each other but not engaged with one another. There are lots of possibilities out there that you've never considered.

Plan some special events and try not to make them all activity or entertainment oriented.

Third, teach your kids skills they will need in the future. Do they know how to do the laundry, iron clothes, organize their lives and balance a bank account (check book for some)?  Many do not know these basics and enter marriage without these and other fundamental skills that would benefit them in major ways once they are out on their own. Add your own additional items, especially ones that you are particularly good at.

Fourth, go back and review some of your family highlights. This could be easily done by going back and looking at old photos or videos. Most of us have countless pics somewhere that we haven't seen again ever or at least for a long time. You'll have some laughs and enjoy some wonderful memories that you don't want to lose.

Finally, go serve someone else. Find a shelter, nursing home, neighbor in need or whoever where  you could serve not just once but all year long. Figure out where you could build some relationships with people you don't know but will get to know over time. Your family will never be the same and you'll add a memory and experience.

So don't make resolutions but consider starting some new ways of living that aren't that hard but will likely last you far longer than your last promise to lose weight, exercise more or save money. And the investment will even have eternal dividends. Enjoy.

So What If This Year Was REALLY Different At Your House?

We all know that the New Year is a common time for people to make resolutions they rarely keep.  But what if this year were different, not even in BIG ways but just little adjustments here and there that could potentially mean big changes down the road.

None of these suggestions, and they are only suggestions, are that big of a deal by themselves but I have a hunch that if we even did a couple they could end up bearing revolutionary results if we stayed with them. Here we go:

What if we bought less and were thankful for what we have just a little more each day?

What if we stopped one activity that uses lots of time but pays little dividend.

What if we had a weekly tech free night or even one hour each day?

What if we got to know three neighbors who we don't currently know?

What if we saved up some money each month to give away to someone who needs it?

What if we took a vacation that is different from what most other people do?

What if we found a new activity our whole family would enjoy and made it a hobby?

What if we actually took time to look at old pictures and videos?

What if we parents told our kids some of our stories about growing up?

What if every day we took time to share a high and low from our day?

What if we regularly talked about God moments that we experienced?

What if prayed more both individually and together?

OK, so I gave you a few ideas.  I'll bet you can come up with more, ones that your family could also embrace and turn into a truly new year. Try one or two. Let me know what happens. I'll bet you will want to do more. I'll bet you won't want to go back to the old way either.

Sometimes The Big Things Are In The Little Ones

Big events and accomplishments always seem to get more attention, don't they?  Eighty-thousand people in a stadium always feels more exciting than eight hundred. An ad campaign that touches millions is usually view as better than one that impacts a few hundred.

Even service projects are deemed more worthwhile when we know that many, many people were helped versus just a few. And there is something to say for using our resources of time, talent and energy so that the greatest results can be achieved.

However, there are times when it seems like we've forgotten the potential impact of the one or two people we or our family might touch. When we help a neighbor or friend, assist one homeless person or volunteer for one morning God can use us to make a huge difference. At the moment, not necessarily. 

But as we do our share along with hundreds or even thousands of others BIG things can happen. Too many churches, non-profits and even individuals seem to think that success is only measured by the ton or at least the giant size version of congregation, money raising or community impact.

You hear it all the time . . . ."Yes, we're believing that ________________ people or churches or groups (or whatever) will be changed or take part or raise so many dollars or grow to a certain size."  And we should be thankful when hard work, prayer and commitment do result in important and significant outcomes.

But let's never miss the power of doing something small now for a greater result later and in tandem with others engaged in the same.

What might that mean in the everyday?  First, we will enjoy the little "wins" and blessings we see in our churches. We'll be thankful for the one or two new people who came, the one marriage that was saved and the few students who joined the youth group this last month.

Second, we'll be even more intentional about helping just one or two people each day. We'll look for those small opportunities to help a neighbor, friend or someone we just meet during the day.  We'll relish that we had that one God-moment to make this small difference in someone's life believing that God can use it for a far greater good.

Third, we'll teach our kids and model for each other an attitude of serving and giving that has no minimum on how much we accomplish. Caring and serving will simply become more of the norm at our house.

You see BIG things don't necessarily happen in big ways. They happen more often because people with just a little resource give it away believing something big will occur anyway.

Really Living? Most of Us Miss It

When is the last time you felt really alive? In fact, when is the last time you noticed something more than the fact that you were just existing? I would suggest that most of us miss the opportunity most of the time.

Why? Well, it's not because we're not breathing or our heart is not beating.

It's just that there's not that much we enjoy that takes our breath away or causes our heart to skip a beat. Of course there are lots of opportunities. We are usually just too busy doing the everyday and the mundane to truly engage with the spark in every one of us known as life.

I know it's not fun to be out of breath or to have a racing heart but we would at least notice our body functioning in some unique way and be reminded that we are not dead. In fact, noticing would be hard to avoid.

You see we need something that jolts us out of our cruise-controlled life and reminds us that the life within us is truly special, unique and ultimately amazing. Pain works. So does shock or tragedy or some other sudden interruption of our normalcy.

But there are other and better ways to be reminded of and enjoy life without the negative prompts. We might also want to engage in them more and even give our family members similar opportunities on a more regular basis.

Slow down. Instead of driving the fast way home, take the long way. Turn the radio off. Walk instead of drive. Skip an evening responsibility and stay home. Simplify your days even a little. I hear of more and more people these days who are downsizing. They have realized they don't need it all. Neither do you.

Do what you were meant to do as much as what you have to do. Some things in life are boring and required. Everything doesn't have to be fun nor can it be. But somewhere in our week, month and year we need to engage in what we naturally do and love. Use those skills to serve others and pay it forward. Find a ministry that gives you the opportunity to do what you can't live without and you'll feel alive most very time.

How do you know what that is?  I don't have an easy answer other than you'll know. You will do it with very little effort, the time will fly and it will probably involve other people.

Spend more time with the people you love and just enjoy watching them live, breathe and move. Become amazed at their talent, artistry, uniqueness and abandon. Sing, dance and enjoy with them if you can. And don't rush whatever you are doing. Let it simmer. Embrace the moments more.

Little children are a great place to start. So are seniors or those with special needs. Just start looking and you'll see what you need to see.

Pray for wisdom to keep learning where life will show up for you. Feeling alive isn't a one-time thing. Once you get a taste you will want more but you will have to fight off the inertia that will try to keep you from more and returning to the sameness of life beforehand. Don't give in.

Everyday those lifegiving opportunities are everywhere. We don't need to hunt for them. They will find us if we let them and we'll never be the same.

Is Fear of Missing Out Driving You?

I was just checking my smart phone again and found three new emails with ideas that could streamline my productivity.  I need to try them. I recently got a new computer and the directions tell me about twenty new little shortcuts and timesavers that came with this new electronic beauty.  I need to memorize them.

I saw an ad for several new television programs that look really interesting and would probably expand my knowledge about people, life and the world around me. I should watch them.

I have a stack of good books waiting to be read or finished (I read thirty a year or more as is) and I have an exercise workout, Russian lessons and distant family also inviting me to give them my time.  I need to figure out how to add these back into my life.

Can you relate?  Do you, like me, hate to say "no" to any of these options because, "I don't want to miss out on something great."  Or "I want my kids to have the best so we'll do it all no matter what it takes."  Or, "That's a good thing, an important thing, I must figure out how to do that too!"

I've got news for you . . . and me.  We'll never do it all. Or as one wise pastor said, "We'll never accomplish all of our potential."  Don't even try.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you that the plate of options for learning, productivity, entertainment, knowledge, growth and experience continues to increase geometrically every day.  We can't have or know it all.  But we are tempted to try, aren't we?  We feel guilty when we hit delete or throw a book away or erase a program from our television list.

We fear that our child will miss out on something vital for life if they don't take that class, play that semester or sports or get that lesson.

So what are we to do?

First, accept the fact that you can't do it all.  Period. Live with that truth.  It's OK.  Our worth is not based on how productive we are or how much we know.

Second, start conscientiously saying "no."  Don't order that new book, keep your kids out of a sport, turn the television off, skip that latest article you saw on Facebook. Be a chooser, not a responder. Learn to do only the best things or the most important things or the things that will add to your feeling alive or doing something God has called you to do.

Third, learn to rest or fast. Take a total break for a while from some of those things that have the greatest seductive pull on you. Get off of the internet or Facebook, don't watch television for a week or take a major break from some activity or even ministry for a season. Quit your hobby for a while. Remind yourself that you can live without some things and not die or shrivel up.

Fourth, embrace slowing down and resting. It's good for the body, soul and spirit.

You may miss out on some activities that could have enriched you but you will more likely not miss out on the ones that make you truly feel alive.

Beware of Selling and Modeling Cheap Happiness

I was at a festival of sorts the other day, one of those gatherings in another state where people came from all over to hear a lot of bands, eat food, hang out, buy crafts . . . you know what I mean?  There were thousands of people there. And I was one of them.

And it was a fun night in many ways. There's nothing wrong with listening to some music, enjoying some not-so-healthy-food and seeing more than a few really weird people out in public now and then. There can be something uplifting and reenergizing when you go out and have some simple, uncomplicated fun.

But the problem is that for many of those people, at least I would guess, that evening was pretty much what they look forward to over and over. They will attend another gathering - a bar, a patio, a concert, a backyard - where they will do pretty much the same thing - talk about the same old topics, have a few drinks and burgers, sit and listen to the same old music, try to impress somebody with some accomplishment and go home.

That's what I mean by cheap happiness. We settle for the same old thrills that may make us a little happy for a while or perhaps just dull some other pain and we think that's all there is.  Watch college and university students out on the town and you'll see what I mean. And often we lead our spouse or kids into the same lifestyle and never introduce them or ourselves to something more, something better, something richer.

Let me suggest a couple of ideas to help you to get in touch with a few opporutunities that will more likely bring you joy and add something to your life that's actually worth doing over and over.

First, take a deeper dive into something.  If you like music, great, but become a student or expert or follower or healthy fanatic. Perhaps you like to hike, then go climb a big mountain. If you are fascinated with a country, learn the language some and take a trip there.  If you have a skill, talent or resource that could help others then start volunteering, giving and serving and bring your spouse or kids along to participate.

Second, add variety to your fun.  Don't keep doing the same things over and over.  Perhaps do more by going to less. We love to travel but can't afford to be going all the time.  So we plan some bigger trips that we can look forward to but that also add some special locations to our itinerary.  We've gone to Alaska, Switzerland, Austria, France, British Columbia, the Smokie Mountains and the like.  Next month we're off to Yosemite National Park and San Francisco.

We do go a few places on a more regular basis but we can't stand just doing the same thing.

Third, ask God to give you a mission or ministry. I've been to Russian fifteen times and have a heart for the people there that I never dreamed would happen years ago.  Others have local commitments to help feed the hungry, help the homeless, work with special needs kids and the like.  It doesn't matter as long as you become invested in it and use your gifts, talents and resources.  It's this kind of involvement that changes lives, including yours!

So, don't settle at your house for cheap opportunities to feel a little better doing the same things everyone else is doing.  Because if you do you will someday look back and wonder what you did with your time.  But if you try something new, meaningful and unique you will more likely wonder why you didn't start sooner.

"Gambling" At Home Rarely Works

I was behind a woman in line at a gas station/convenience store in Michigan the other day. And I couldn't help but notice that she spent sixty dollars on lottery tickets. I wondered if she gives up that kind of money every week or if she just felt lucky that day.

Either way, I know that the odds of her winning anything were infinitesimally small and that the significant portion of her money she was committing would likely be wasted.

Interestingly, it seems to me that there are a lot of things that we in our homes gamble on just as foolishly. 

We spend lots of resources - time, money, energy and emotion - hoping to get a  huge payday but unfortunately the odds are small. Let me suggest a few. 

We gamble that our kids will become a famous, successful superstar in something.  We secure the best coaches, send our kids off to other cities and/or follow them around the city or country hoping they will finally hit the big time.  And yes a small fraction make it and we see them on television. But the bigger percentage, like it is in gambling, never pay off. Is the gamble really worth it?

We gamble that as husband and wife we will love being with each other . . . AFTER our kids are grown. While the kids are in the house we might rarely date, work on our relationship or spend meaningful, intimate time together. Everything revolves around the kids. That is also a huge wager that rarely beats the house.

We also gamble that there will be time later to enjoy all the things we sacrificed while our family was growing. But sadly the numbers often work against us. A pastor we knew years ago worked hard and well at ministry and had planned to finally travel with his wife after he retired in his mid-60's. Sadly he died later during the year of his retirement. Gambling with death often won't beat the odds either.

We gamble that our kids will one day mature and be the kids we'd hoped they would be. In the meantime we can look the other way from bad behaviors, disrespectful attitudes and lazy habits. Providing our kids with purposeful lifechanging activities or involvement in a quality church youth program never becomes a priority.  As a result the odds increase that our kids will not grow in the ways we had dreamed they would.

You see the wise spouse and parent will not play the numbers for their future but simply do NOW those things that may not be available later when their bets are less likely to win. They work at as many of the best things they can in the present knowing that they all won't likely be there in the future. They don't let their hopes and dreams be relegated to the future only.

So don't make life at your house a poor bet. You can do better and win so much more by playing your relational chips today and tomorrow. God gave us the wisdom to do that now. Don't let the world's house win. Cash in today.

What Will Our Kids Remember Most About Us?

You probably need to be at least forty to remember a comedien named Bob Hope. He was corny, schmaltzy and threw out the best one-liners you could buy in a writing team. He also sang, starred in movies and loved golf. One of his biggest accomplishments was his year after year commitment to entertaining our troops all over the world. However, his theme song was simply entitlted, Thanks For the Memories. And I'm sure he had many great memories about the people he encouraged and helped over the years.

But I often wonder of my children and grandchildren, "What memories of me, our family and our home will they remember and be thankful for?"  Will they remember who I really was or some facade of who they thought I was?  Will they joyfully look back on meaningful times with me that were impacting and lifechanging or will they just remember that I was around and did things for them?

Will they remember that I loved them in very real and passionate ways or that my love really centered on what I got out of it?

You see, it's possible that many of us parents or grandparents think we're helping our kids most when we give them lots of special opportunities or what they think they want or our best imitation of coolness and relevance. But in reality if that's all they remember we're in trouble.

Contrary to much popular action and belief today, our children need a mom and dad who gave them rich memories where we did some things together that changed us both, where the memories stand out from most of what everyone else is doing, where the memories will stick and not fade.  Is there a list somewhere of what those memories could or should be?  No, but I have some places you might look.

Look for activities and events that help other people. 
Look for things that require God to show up big time, that you couldn't do without His help.
Look for ideas that will grab at your emotions and heart strings, that will put a lump in your throat after you're finished. 
Look for opportunities that put you second and someone or something else first. 

Start with this list and you'll start to make memories of your own that yes they will remember and no doubt someday say thank you for. You'll have to work at it and not just do what everyone else is doing. But you can do it. Don't settle for anything less.

In Which Part of the Pie Is Your Family's Faith?

There are millions of people in our country and around the world who would say they are people of faith, Christians, who would consider their relationship with God important. They attend church fairly regularly, take their kids to the programs and activities, probably read their Bible some and may even attend a small group or Bible study.

They probably pray with their family at meal times (if they eat together) and even give something financially or of their time to God's work.

But even so, their faith, religion of sorts, and relationship with God may still be tucked away somewhere rather than the central, motivating influence for most all they do or think. It's like a pie.

In many cases, people make their relationship with God just one of many pieces of a pie. There's the work piece, activities piece, child piece, vacation piece, leisure piece, hobby piece, etc. and then there's also the God/Jesus piece. Faith gets one sixth, eighth or tenth but their faith rarely strays into the other areas of life. It's as though church on the weekend or time with God is just another thing to get done in a busy week.

They don't live a life for or with Christ. They just live one that includes Him when there is time. Their faith doesn't really impact those other pieces most of the time.

I'd like to suggest that if we're going to follow Jesus and live for God that the pie has to look differently.  Instead of our faith being one piece it needs to be the CENTER of the pie.  When God is in the middle then He impacts everything. We take him to work, to our parenting, to our goalsetting, to our bedroom, to our giving and to all of life.

And our kids begin to see in us someone living a life that is truly Christ-centered, focused on things that matter.

You see, let me be brutally honest here.  Many Christian homes are no different than their secular counterparts except for the fact that they go to church now and then. The moms and dads and the kids are for the most part doing and experiencing the same things their friends are who don't know Christ. Something is wrong. And it may be due to the fact that Jesus is just a piece of the pie not the center of it.

Will you and your family be different?  It may be hard but it will be for the best for you and the people who are impacted by you. Jesus told us to take up our cross and follow. And I think that means he needs to be in the center.

Is Your Family Led or Driven?

I'll never forget a horseback ride I took once with my roommate in college. We had made our way over to the riding stables behind the school knowing that horses could be ridden for an hour or so. While I hadn't ridden a lot I knew enough to guide a horse, gallop a little and still have a good time. However, I must also admit that the majority of my riding has also been done with horses in a line going down a trail.

Nonetheless, the stables personnel saddled up two horses for us and sent us off into several large fields with access to a nearby road as well. What were they thinking?

We each gave our horse a slight kick and began to move letting the horses more or less saunter while we enjoyed some relaxed time.  Now and then we got them going a little faster but playing it safe knowing that we weren't exactly the Lone Ranger and Tonto.

Near the end of our ride we decided to leisurely come back to the stables using the small road since that seemed like an easier task. However, the horses had a different plan. Once they saw that we were headed back they immediately began to gallop full stride. And there was little we could do to slow them down much less stop them.

Thankfully we made it back unharmed but our hearts were racing when they finally slowed near the entrance.

Unforunately, a lot of families live life this way. Every day is a constant, non-stop gallop. Everyone is running from event to event, practice to practice, obligation to obligation. These homes are not being led or nurtured. They are just hanging on.

Is this your home?  Then let me suggest several things you might consider to slow things down, get life under more control and do more things that really matter.

First, stop some things. Take inventory and ask what you can cut out that is just more of the same, a needless addition or not really that essential.

Second, examine your priorities. Is your schedule being driven by greed, envy or status-seeking?  Are you just trying to have your kids as successful as the neighbors or other family members?  Perhaps they will be more successful at a sport or instrument.  But what is teaching them how to be a great person?

Third, rediscover rest and relaxation. Make time to do some enjoying things as a family, teach the value of sabbath or breaks and find an outlet to serve others.

Homes that are well-led find meaning and purpose in what they do. Homes that are driven?  They just feel like one more horse headed to the barn.

Giving Up Your Entitlements This New Year

The other day I was watching eager shoppers days after Christmas flooding the stores and malls one more time apparently to either spend their gift cards, return something or find one more deal. It was as though the Christmas rush had never quit.

And of course I can't know what each of those people were doing or thinking. Some may have simply been out trying to enjoy a day with the family. And who doesn't want or need a bargain these days?

But the scene did cause me to wonder how much we think we're entitled to especially in the United States. Do we really think we're entitled to one more gift, the next best whatever or to the stuff our parents or grandparents never had?  And are we going to keep spending lots of time, energy and money to get it all?

Let's face it we live in an entitlement society. And while not all entitlements are necessarily bad such as ones we've actually been promised and earned, many things we enjoy aren't really ours to demand.

Let me suggest a few that perhaps we and our families not only can let go of this year but should release if we want to be healthier and more fulfilled.

Let go of your MORE entitlements. Tell  yourself this year that you don't really need more of anything, at least when it comes to stuff, money, objects and the like. Help your kids learn to say NO and even to give some things away. Make a goal to serve some others with less to help remind you that people can be happy with less.

Let go of the NEW entitlements. This mirrors the first one and makes us want more but we don't always have to have the newest car, computer, TV or other hobby items.

Let go of some of the COMFORT entitlements. Again there is nothing wrong with a massage or manicure or the top of the line hotel room, but do we always have to make our comfort our entitlement?

Let go of some of the entitlements for our KIDS.  Do they always have to do everything, play every sport, be in every activity and have the best teacher?  When will they learn that the world does not revolve around them?

I'm sure you can think of other things that you feel entitled to: being served well, prompt attention, getting your needs met before others.  Make your own list.

But remember that every day we get things, blessings and opportunities that we simply don't deserve from God Himself. Enjoy them, be thankful and leave some gratitude as a major part of your legacy.

From Greed to Gratefulness This Year

Some woman was sitting in front of a Best Buy days before the holiday to save $240 on a television set on Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. Really? She gave up family time, a meal with those she loves and who knows what else all for a couple hundred dollars.

Of course that's a pretty extreme example, but I wonder how many of us really think about the messages we're sending to our kids, spouses and selves that really say, "You know, this Thanksgiving thing is really all about me getting what I want when I want it."  While we might suggest that we're really grateful people (and most of us probably are), are we still saying that it's not enough?

Sure, some people like the fun, tradition and the fact that maybe they really did get a good deal. And there's nothing inherently wrong in any of that. But why do we have to have that during a holiday that we call Thanksgiving? Couldn't we stop for a few days and truly be thankful, talk about how blessed we are and not have to have the next bigger, better, cheaper or even more expensive thing?

I wonder if a lot of the dysfunction and even emotional struggle in our country isn't because we have forgotten how to be thankful and grateful for what we have. Have we isolated ourselves that much from people not far from us as well as those around the world who have next to nothing and yet are probably happier than we are in many ways?

Can I suggest a few alternatives this year?  First, just skip all the drastic bargain hunting. Stay home, enjoy the days off and truly spend some time thanking God for your blessings.  Enjoy some things that are really priceless like time with people you love.

Second, cut back on Christmas gifts. If you have to spend money, give it away or go make someone else's holiday that much better. Find a mission agency and buy something for someone in another country that will make them ongoing income throughout the year. Give each family member a small amount of money and see who can get the most for someone else in the family with that little bit. I'll bet you'll remember that Christmas like never before.

Third, decide on some ways you can live differently all year long.  Christmas is just around the corner. Other sales, holidays, birthdays and random moments will beckon us to spend money on more things we don't really need and miss opportunities to bless someone in need. Why not commit to helping your family learn what it means to feel really alive by giving more away than we get?

Remember the things our kids learn best are those we model most. Think about how to model things that will last not just a lifetime but an eternity.

Something Fundamental Missing in Most Troubled Marriages

Remember your wedding day?  Can you still recite your vows?  Whether you know them word for word, you probably recall promising to love, cherish, and honor each other until the day you died. You meant well. You hoped that would happen and more.

But many of us know that things change. And while we still try to love each other we know there are way more fights or at least major disagreements that often become hurtful and harmful. We don't know why we spar over the little stuff or why our spouse irritates us so much.

Well, there are lots of factors when it comes to our conflicts but there is one that is especially worth considering.  It's what I call the Identify Factor. Most of us have a case of mistaken identity. We think that our spouse will fulfill us, do or say enough things everyday that will make us feel whole and important.  And while we should attempt to love our spouses, encourage them and build them up we can never be enough for them.

However, many couples struggle with arguing and fighting over some of the dumbest things. Why? Well, it's often because they are fighting for their worth, not about what restaurant they should go to or whether one of them picked the right outfit for little Suzanna. We go at it with the one love because they are not agreeing with us or telling us about something we might have done better and that only reinforces that, yes, we really aren't OK.

But if you're a Christ follower, you ARE OK in God's eyes. Jesus died so that we could be OK again. And there are five things we must be reminded are always true of us once we join God's family.  Let me tell you what they are: We are loved, we matter, we have purpose, we are forgiven and we're a child of God.

On any given day those things are always true. And since they are then when we approach our spouse to talk and they need to say something difficult to us or we aren't on the same page we don't have to win. We are freer to say tell me more or I'm sorry I responded the way I did or let's figure out how to make the best decision here about the kids (or whatever).


Our messed up identify has all sorts of implications: how we will do our work, how we will react to difficulties and even how we parent. If you've been trying to improve you marriage and have even gotten counseling but can't seem to put any new ideas into place, consider your identity. You just might be mistaken about it. Thankfully, God has a better offer for you.

When and Why Do Our Heroes Fall?

Well, it looks like Lance Armstrong's explanations have run out. He appears to be guilty of doping during the years he was winning cycling's greatest race. A lot of us have been let down again, haven't we? I used to live in Austin, Texas, Lance's hometown. Ugh.

And while many will still support him and others will want him crucified, I plan to do neither. But it is worth a look at why our heroes fall so much of the time and how we should respond. What can we learn that puts it all into perspective and reminds us of what is really true?

I mean how many times will we have to sigh huge sighs when another Tiger or U.S. senator or famous minister or movie star takes a personal or moral dive? Probably lots because it will happen again and again. So we need to re-think some things about what a hero really is and the kind of role they should or should not play in our lives.

First of all, there is a place for heroes. They are good to have as long as we don't worship them. Heroes can give us healthy role models to emulate, standards to aspire to and the inspiration to work harder at what we want to accomplish.

But second, we have forgotten that heroes are human just like us. While many of them truly do amazing things and accomplish feats few will copy, they still mess up. They lie, cheat and even steal sometimes. They never were what we probably believed them to be: superhuman? invincible? perfect?  No, their humanity doesn't excuse their often pitiful behavior, but it shouldn't surprise us.  It wouldn't shock us if we initially assumed that they were just everyday people who just happened to be very disciplined and accomplished.

Third, popularity and fame are dangerous entities and the human tendency is to hold on to them no matter the cost. Once the seduction of being sought after, winning all the time and enjoying the myriad perks takes hold, it's difficult to admit anything that could force someone to let go of it all. It seems like Lance finally tired of the charade. Most people just eventually get caught in the act and have no choice. Either way it's ultimately better but there is always a fight and there are always consequences.

Fourth, we need to find and recognize better heroes. And the good news is that they are all around us. They are parents who love their kids even when times are tough, they are service men and women along with police and firefighters who protect us. They include people with disabilities and other challenges who persevere and live meaningful lives anyway. They are giving men and women who serve others in soup kitchens, ministries, churches and agencies out of love for their God and others.

Yes, while there will be others who we've deemed as heroes who will fall, we will be less disappointed if we remember that the ones typically given the title of hero are not. Most of the real heroes will never be famous or rich or write a book, star on TV or play in the Super Bowl. But once we find those genuine heroes, they will change us and be less likely to ever let us down.

Don't Wait To Do What Matters Most

It may sound a bit morbid but a lot of people die before they plan on it.  In fact most do.  I think of a former pastor we knew who was so looking forward to retirement and to doing some of those things with his wife that he felt had to wait during his ministry years. Unfortunately he contracted a swift-growing cancer and died at sixty-five.

However, dreams and doing special, life-changing things with our spouse and kids aren't shattered just by death. They can vanish because of chronic illness, family breakups, job losses and a host of other unplanned occurrences. Kids grow and move out of the house. People can relocate to other parts of the country or world.  Lots of things can inhibit doing the things that we long to do and know would be legacy-leaving events and opportunities.

So . . . .do as many as you can now.  No, we can't do everything.  Time commitments, finances, having children and life in general will likely forbid doing many things. But we can do some.  I've talked before about planning and doing things out of the ordinary. But even everyday things like a simple vacation dare not be put off for too long either. If you don't have the money for a big trip, take a small one but do something.

Spouses, don't wait to spend meaningful time with each other. If you're dreaming of a European vacation after you retire make sure you take at least one before then. After retirement go back and see more. If you're looking forward to spending some alone time after you're sixty-five, make sure you're getting regular alone time now.

Don't wait to say what you need to say.  Yes, say the obvious things like I love you.  But add some others like I'm proud of you, You changed my life, Thank you, You're a great dad/mom and If I had it to do over again I'd choose you.

Don't postpone what God may be asking you to do now.  Serve others, start an impacting project, change careers to do something that matters more, slow down . . . . you get the idea.  Sure, be wise, get counsel and don't just do something to avoid facing the hard things of today. But as Seth Godin, marketing guru, says, You don't need more time, just decide.  That's where many of us are when it comes to these kinds of decisions.  You've been waiting around for the perfect time. A perfect time will never come.

But if God's nudging you and you can't shake the idea or challenge that keeps ruminating in your mind, then now is the time. Go for it. Don't look back someday with regrets. In fact keep this catchy phrase in mind that I might market myself sometime, Just Do It.

Moving from ME to OTHERS in your home

Do you know what everyone born in the 70's, 80's, 90's and through today has in common?  They're technically called the ME Generation. Somewhere in time our society began to subtly become more and more focused on MY needs, MY possessions, MY success and MY pleasures.  It's kind of sad, in one sense, that someone had to actually name it.

However, if we're honest the ME in us didn't begin in the 70's. Since the creation of mankind, we all have had a major tendency within us to think about ourselves first and others second. While we don't say this in public, we might as well:  OK, enough of me talking about me.  Why don't YOU talk about me?  In fact, a recent country western song by Toby Keith was entitled exactly that . . . I Wanna Talk About Me!

And unfortunately the focus on me rather than others can seep into the fabric of our homes. We can schedule all our time around our desires, we let our kids be involved in every extra opportunity and we even troll the church scene to make sure our kids hear the best youth speaker in one church, get the best Bible study at another and enjoy the ultimate worship at another.

Let's be careful that we're not sending the message that life really is all about us. Do we want our kids to only be consumers and not investors in the lives of other people?  Of course wanting to provide excellent educational and personal growth experiences for our kids and family as a whole are fine. But do we balance all that with focusing on others?

Here are a few ideas. How about next Christmas taking most of the money you would have spent on gifts for each other and giving it away to another family, service organization or special project?  Why not substitute an extra gymnastics or music class some semester with going and serving at a church ministry or community shelter?

Could you go as a family or couple on a missions trip using money you would have just kept for yourselves?  You can seen that the ideas to teach about caring for others and not ourselves are many.  Think of ones that would work for your family.

In fact, be careful that even your words of praise at home might send an it's-all-about-me message.  If we never tell our kids, for example, when they make a mistake or could do something better, but always encourage them anyway, we're setting them up for false confidence and arrogance. They can begin to believe that they deserve to be complimented, affirmed and applauded no matter what. They'll expect the same in school, in work and in life . . . and be disappointed.

So yes, build each other up but do it appropriately, honestly and with balance. Show them how to be more like Jesus who was always looking out for someone else.  Don't let ME become the dominant goal at your house. Make more of life about others.  That's when you really feel alive.

Make a New Year's "Revolution" This Year

As I write this post I'm sitting at my sister-in-law's home having enjoyed several days of family time with more to come during the upcoming week. Lately I've been thinking a lot about how blessed I've been to have first lived this many decades and second to have the family I've been enjoyed for so many years.

However, while some of life was beyond my control, I'm thankful that at various turns on my journey people have encouraged me to both stop and evaluate where I've been and to regularly reconsider where I'm going. In fact, there have been several key watershed moments in my life that have radically changed my direction. Life could have been far less meaningful, interesting and impacting without those vital times that helped me gain new perspective.

So as the new year approaches I want to encourage you and/or your spouse to not just make some casual resolutions that you will probably forget about in a week or two. What if this year you thought and prayed about just one major new direction that you will take this year in your marriage, parenting or life in general?

What if you said, "I'm not going to settle for this coming year being just one more year of my life? Instead, I'm going to do something different, something more lifechanging that will make a difference in the life of someone and matter more for eternity."

Maybe it will involve the fulfillment of a personal dream. Dreams are often those things that would best use our skills and resources anyway while breathing new life into our everyday world. Perhaps you could serve others in a new or fresh way through sharing your time and talents in the community, your church or city. Maybe there is a project that needs your specific skill set and passion where hundreds, even thousands of people would be changed as a result. The possibilities are endless.

You see most of us tend to get into some ruts that are comfortable in many ways but that have stymied our personal and family growth. It's hard to find a new way to look at life and your future when all you can see are the walls of the long bunker you've lived in for a long time.

Our marriages and families could find new energy and excitement if we'll just take time to ponder how our direction might change and our purposes could be fulfilled.

So where do we begin? Well, you might start by simply answering these questions: What have I always wanted to do that I've never done before? (You know, develop a Bucket List!).

Second, what passions and talents do I have that could be used to help someone else?

Third, has anything - a cause, need or person - been gnawing away at me lately and occupied a lot of my thinking?

Some careful thinking, pondering and praying with a spouse, friend and even older children could help give you a whole new direction and turn your former resolutions into a life revolution. Whatever you do, start somewhere! Don't let this next year just be another 365 days of the same. God made you and me to be difference makers so dare to be different. You won't regret your decision, I promise.