Is Fear of Missing Out Driving You?

I was just checking my smart phone again and found three new emails with ideas that could streamline my productivity.  I need to try them. I recently got a new computer and the directions tell me about twenty new little shortcuts and timesavers that came with this new electronic beauty.  I need to memorize them.

I saw an ad for several new television programs that look really interesting and would probably expand my knowledge about people, life and the world around me. I should watch them.

I have a stack of good books waiting to be read or finished (I read thirty a year or more as is) and I have an exercise workout, Russian lessons and distant family also inviting me to give them my time.  I need to figure out how to add these back into my life.

Can you relate?  Do you, like me, hate to say "no" to any of these options because, "I don't want to miss out on something great."  Or "I want my kids to have the best so we'll do it all no matter what it takes."  Or, "That's a good thing, an important thing, I must figure out how to do that too!"

I've got news for you . . . and me.  We'll never do it all. Or as one wise pastor said, "We'll never accomplish all of our potential."  Don't even try.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you that the plate of options for learning, productivity, entertainment, knowledge, growth and experience continues to increase geometrically every day.  We can't have or know it all.  But we are tempted to try, aren't we?  We feel guilty when we hit delete or throw a book away or erase a program from our television list.

We fear that our child will miss out on something vital for life if they don't take that class, play that semester or sports or get that lesson.

So what are we to do?

First, accept the fact that you can't do it all.  Period. Live with that truth.  It's OK.  Our worth is not based on how productive we are or how much we know.

Second, start conscientiously saying "no."  Don't order that new book, keep your kids out of a sport, turn the television off, skip that latest article you saw on Facebook. Be a chooser, not a responder. Learn to do only the best things or the most important things or the things that will add to your feeling alive or doing something God has called you to do.

Third, learn to rest or fast. Take a total break for a while from some of those things that have the greatest seductive pull on you. Get off of the internet or Facebook, don't watch television for a week or take a major break from some activity or even ministry for a season. Quit your hobby for a while. Remind yourself that you can live without some things and not die or shrivel up.

Fourth, embrace slowing down and resting. It's good for the body, soul and spirit.

You may miss out on some activities that could have enriched you but you will more likely not miss out on the ones that make you truly feel alive.

During Recovery Lock Your Doors!

A recent news story showed how many people at shopping malls leave their car doors unlocked while they shop. In addition, many of them have valuables, previous purchases and other expensive electronics clearly visible to anyone passing by.

Obviously many individuals and families get needlessly robbed of things that are important and in some cases difficult or at least expensive to replace.  IF they were only a little more careful they would rarely get taken advantage of.

Sometimes in life, we too can leave our emotional and personal doors unlocked only to have necessary energy, strength and other resources taken from us.

One way we are vulnerable is when we don't set appropriate boundaries. Boundaries are safeguards we set up with others that we control to keep them out of our world at unnecessary or inappropriate times. For example, a person is grieving the loss of a loved one and yet they let all their friends tell them how to handle their grief or where they should emotionally be at some point.

Or someone with cancer struggling with not having their usual energy still gives in to a friend or relative's demands that they meet their needs or acclimate to their schedule in some way. As a result our ability to function well is stolen from us because we've left ourselves open to others entering our car when we should have locked it.

Another way we let people rob us is when we offer them our personhood and let what they say, do or not do make us feel less valued. We allow them to take away from our value, our being made in God's image, through their comments about what we're doing or not doing right. We succumb to their negative evaluation by believing that what they say really determines who we are and it does not.

There are five things that are always true of us in God's eyes that are worth repeating: We are loved, we are forgiven, we matter, we have purpose and we are children of God.  Any person who has chosen to join God's family can count on those no matter what anyone else says.

So, are you during your personal journey leaving yourself open to emotional robberies by others?  If so, set some boundaries and remember who you really are in God's eyes. It will change how you climb and in general how you live.  And that's worth a lot.

Real Intimacy - Part 2 - The Soul

In this post let me this time discuss intimacy of soul. Soul intimacy means we reveal to one another our feelings, thoughts, wills, goals, and personalities. Intimacy in every area, like we think of physically, involves exposure of one another but that isn't easy.

That was Adam and Eve's problem in the garden. They didn't want to be exposed for who they really were. Note Adam's response to God in Genesis 3, "We were afraid because we were naked so we hid." Many times, rather than admit our struggles or weaknesses we just hide. Exposure isn't easy, especially in the soul arena, but let me offer some practical help.

Gary Smalley suggests that there are five levels of communication from shallow to deeper that we must understand: cliches, facts, opinions, feelings and needs.

Most couples get beyond cliches and can usually talk about facts and opinions. Facts are pretty important since sometimes couples argue about things that they don't even know all the details about. But so many couples get paralyzed on the opinion level. "I think we spend too much money." "No we don't." "You just bought a TV last week and didn't even tell me." And then battle goes on from there. Couples think they have to be right, they can't look bad and then the name-calling and yelling start.

If only couples would learn to go to the next two levels. First, listen and discover what the other person is feeling. And be sure you actually hear a feeling not just something like, "I feel like you never listen to me." That's just another form of an opinion. A feeling would be more like, "I'm hurt because it feels like you weren't listening to me last night."

Once the feeling is discerned - anger, confusion, being overwhelmed, hurt, etc. - it's time to take one more step. (Note: Discovering feelings takes time and should not be rushed.) Start moving toward that fifth level. "What do you need from me that would make you feel less confused right now?" "What did you need from me last night that wouldn't have caused so much hurt?"

Needs help provide an action point along with extra depth in truly understanding the other person. When we ask what the other person needs from us it's not necessarily an admission of guilt. We're simply admitting that yes there is something we might be able to do to help and understand. And if we were wrong then meeting a need helps us learn to do better next time.

When we're willing to risk going to levels four and five we can begin to taste what it really means to be intimate in soul.

In fact, many women, including my wife, have told me that often what they want most is to simply have their feelings understood. They don't always need an answer or a fix.

But . . . there's one big problem apart from just practicing levels four and five and making them a habit. I spoke earlier about the "battle" that goes on for our worth? If our worth is on the line during our discussions with our spouse, we will find it hard to want to really understand the other person. Instead we'll demand that we win, that we look good and come out on top or "right."

If that's your problem, don't miss my next post when I'll talk more about where our identity is really found. But if you are confident about who you are and ready, take some time to practice levels four and five on your spouse. You'll be surprised at how intimate your souls can become and how much closer you get to each other and to God.