The Problems With Too Much

Most of us parents would love to give our kids some of the things we never had. We look forward to providing for our offspring and ultimately helping them to find happiness and fulfillment.

Unfortunately many moms and dads think that giving them pretty much what they want or that everyone else has is the answer. Can I say it simply? It's not.

When kids get too much stuff, attention or an abundance of accolades that are really undeserved the kids don't blossom they bloat. They get weighed down with entitlement, ungratitude and confusion. I've seen a recent situation where the kids continue to get so many gifts from their grandparents and other close relatives that they don't even know who gave them each gift.

The presents all simply get thrown together into one big pile, sadly a mountain of things that are soon forgotten if even played with much at all. And yet the family thinks this is what these kids need and should have. It makes me wonder who the gift-giving is for in the first place.

The results?

First, a lack of thankfulness for what they do have. Instead of saying thank you they tend to say or at least be thinking, Where's the next one?

Second, a focus on what they have versus others. You will often hear from these children, "I just got a . . . ." or "My parents bought me a . . . ."  They never have enough but it always needs to be more than others got.

Third, a waning of social skills. Some might argue that this result depends upon the kinds of gifts the kids get and there may be some truth to that. But given too much of anything most young people will want to spend more time with the stuff and less having meaningful interactions.

Fourth, little desire to help or serve others. Yes, thankfully there are some exceptions where kids have a lot and find the passion to give it away in some form or another. But the majority of kids I've been around simply make life more about them because their parents did just that.

Each family will have to decide and determine what too much is but my advice would be to always err on the side of too little. I've written some other posts about holiday giving that might help here with other practical ideas about how to do some gift-giving and stuff slimming from your home.

Whatever you do remember the adage that is true in so many other areas: Less is more!

Teach Your Kids About Their "Selfie Image" - It Matters.

Ok, so selfies, those pictures people with smart phones take of themselves, are going to be the rage for a while. And of course, some of them are obnoxious while others are actually quite cool. Well, I've not taken one of those cool ones yet but I'm working on it.

But their popularity does beg the question, especially with our children, are they helping our kids gain a healthy view of themselves? I heard one sports commentator talking about child sports stars wisely say, "There is a difference between being self aware and self-absorbed." He is SO right.

If we're not careful we will continue to develop another generation (and they're not the first) of kids who are far more self-absorbed than self-aware. And it won't be just because of selfies.  Much of the problem will lie with us parents who continue to feed their egos without modeling an alternative perspective.

How?

First, we require that they be productive and successful all the time.They are in a sport or learning activity every season, always competing and pushed into winning much of the time. It would be nice if the many camps for kids were merely about expanding their experiences and opportunities but we know better. For most players, parents and coaches they want more activities so their kids will be better athletes or musicians or cheerleaders and so they will win more.

And we do much of it in the name of self-awareness when all we're doing is adding to their being self-absorbed.

Second, we often model the same tendencies ourselves. More and more parents are even quitting their jobs or at least altering their lifestyle and free time in major ways so they can run more marathons, become an American Ninja or get multiple martial arts belts. The not so sports minded ones get more degrees, ascend the ladder at work or decide to climb the world's tallest mountains.

And of course there is nothing wrong with having a big goal or two and going for it. But when it becomes an obsession, and for so many it is just that, we start to become as absorbed with us as our kids do and they notice.

Third, a lessening of our attention on the spiritual and emotional usually accompanies these obsessive tendencies. No, people don't typically reject their faith or become jerks (though a few do) but they just don't place as much important on the less obvious, the things that don't impress others outwardly as much. There usually isn't a radical change but rather a slow move away from the things that matter most to the things that are about us.

Fourth, we don't speak against the cultural affirmations of self-absorption. The selfie prophets are everywhere preaching that we're number one - in movies, on television, in grocery-store magazines and even school. And while we shouldn't be strident or obnoxious about it, we do need to have frank discussions with our kids about why giving ourselves away produces far more fulfillment than always being focused on us.

Yes, everyone needs to know that they are important and matter but the real truths about self-worth can't be found in stuff, accomplishments or accolades. That comes from the God who made us.

So, sure, enjoy a selfie now and then with your kids. Just be careful that you and your family don't get too much selfie confidence. 

At Your Home Do You Enjoy or Protect?

I've only seen a partial episode of the reality show Hoarders but that was probably enough for a while. Each week the program focuses on a person or family who literally hoards everything from old boxes to tools to clothes to you name it. In most cases their homes are a mess and every room is piled with stuff. I can't imagine living that way for even a day.

However, there seems to be a common reason behind most of the hoarding, one that is closer to where many of us live than we care to admit. They can't imagine losing it for fear that they might need it someday.

They can have a hundred empty shirt boxes but won't throw any away because they might need one and one is never enough. That pile of magazines probably has an article, ad or coupon that could come in handy. That shed full of tools, broken and worn, might meet a need for them or a neighbor.


And while saving things, making do with what we have and not being wasteful have their merits, hoarding like this is really just selfishness and many of us are at least tainted by it. In fact there are probably some deep-seated insecurities and self image issues that have never been resolved in hoarders and us.

Nonetheless, in most cases we too have WAY more than what we need and we can become protectors and hoarders in our own right. We spend thousands of dollars on what we deem necessities that people in most of the world would call luxuries and in some cases would like to have just one.

So we live a lot of our lives trying to protect our stash rather than wisely using just enough.  We accumulate and accumulate just a little bit more.  And we model the same for our children who pass along similar habits to their kids. People alive who lived through the depression still think this way but that mentality has made it to today as well in some forms.

In fact today there are two extremes:  use things up and then buy a new one or never throw anything away and try to get more. Both are misguided.  I'll talk about the consumer mentality in another post.

For now let's talk about how can we live a life of contentment with what we have versus being those in the protective camp who fear losing anything.

1.  Regularly take inventory and throw away (or give away) things you aren't using or don't need.   I have a lot of books that I've had to buy or read for my counseling and pastoral ministry over the years.  However, whenever I get a new book now I throw or give one away.  I'm just not going to add to my collection anymore.  We need to do something similar in our homes.

Some say if it's been there a year or more and you haven't use it get rid of it. You decide.

2.  Get rid of some of your storage by downsizing or selling some places you have that just pile up more stuff.  Some people have sheds, multiple homes or other places where they are keeping things that they just don't use. But they are paying to store it or asking someone else to manage it. Say goodbye and pass it on to someone else who could benefit or just throw it out.

3.  Enjoy what you have, don't hide it away somewhere.  Sure, we should take care of and maintain those things we've been blessed with. We should help things last as long as possible. But also take time to enjoy special items - pictures, collections, hobby items, special souvenirs, etc. They were made to be used.

4. Get involved in the lives of people needier than you.  They will remind you of how much you have that you don't really need. The more we spend time here or in other countries with people who have so little we'll realize how little we could live on.  And the less we have the less we have to take care of.  Aren't there better things we could do with our resources?

You bet!

During Recovery Lock Your Doors!

A recent news story showed how many people at shopping malls leave their car doors unlocked while they shop. In addition, many of them have valuables, previous purchases and other expensive electronics clearly visible to anyone passing by.

Obviously many individuals and families get needlessly robbed of things that are important and in some cases difficult or at least expensive to replace.  IF they were only a little more careful they would rarely get taken advantage of.

Sometimes in life, we too can leave our emotional and personal doors unlocked only to have necessary energy, strength and other resources taken from us.

One way we are vulnerable is when we don't set appropriate boundaries. Boundaries are safeguards we set up with others that we control to keep them out of our world at unnecessary or inappropriate times. For example, a person is grieving the loss of a loved one and yet they let all their friends tell them how to handle their grief or where they should emotionally be at some point.

Or someone with cancer struggling with not having their usual energy still gives in to a friend or relative's demands that they meet their needs or acclimate to their schedule in some way. As a result our ability to function well is stolen from us because we've left ourselves open to others entering our car when we should have locked it.

Another way we let people rob us is when we offer them our personhood and let what they say, do or not do make us feel less valued. We allow them to take away from our value, our being made in God's image, through their comments about what we're doing or not doing right. We succumb to their negative evaluation by believing that what they say really determines who we are and it does not.

There are five things that are always true of us in God's eyes that are worth repeating: We are loved, we are forgiven, we matter, we have purpose and we are children of God.  Any person who has chosen to join God's family can count on those no matter what anyone else says.

So, are you during your personal journey leaving yourself open to emotional robberies by others?  If so, set some boundaries and remember who you really are in God's eyes. It will change how you climb and in general how you live.  And that's worth a lot.

Is There a ME in Marriage?

There's a billboard near our house advertising diamonds that says, "She'll owe you big time!"  Of course the idea is that if he buys her their beautiful diamond engagement ring she will be somehow obligated to him later. He'll get something in return for him. Wow. Really?  Now there's a great motive for marriage.

On the other hand, it's a fair question to ask, "When people marry do they totally give up themselves?  Is there no place for ME in my marriage?"  Or to use the old cliche-laden idea, there is an "I" in marriage, isn't there?

Well, as presidents so often like to say, let me be perfectly clear.  Marriages won't make it and really aren't much of a marriage if either or both partners is more concerned about themselves than the other person.  Marriage is truly a union, a spiritual union as I see it, that is more than two people signing a paper, living in the same house and having sex.

It requires an understanding and acting out of sacrificial love, care for each other, the willingness to share hopes, dreams, finances and the future. It involves an emotional and spiritual meshing of two lives where they become better and stronger as one than they ever were separate.

However, they do not and cannot lose their individuality.  Married people don't and shouldn't become some amorphous blob where each person disappears. Let me suggest several ME actions that we as spouses must take if we want to keep our marriages thriving, healthy and growing.

First, we must continue to do those things that fill ME up emotionally, spiritually and physically.  Some of those things we may do together as couples but some we may not.  We need time to think, to read, to ponder, to relax and to plan. When our "tank" is empty we then have less to give to the other person.

Second, we must have freedom and a forum to express ME thoughts and emotions.  This is one that both spouses must encourage, welcome and embrace for the other. Too many couples make little time or rarely give permission for their spouse to be honest, authentic and struggle emotionally.  Some spouses treat other out there ideas from their partner as silly and unrealistic. We're often pretty lame at listening and understanding each other.

Third, we must protect ME if abusive or dangerous situations arise because of our spouse.  There's nothing noble or loving about staying in a home where your life is in danger. In a healthy marriage people don't just take it when things become critical.

Fourth, we must keep affirming our own worth and value.  We may not feel lovable, smart or that we have purpose but we do matter in spite of our past or current circumstances. We may not deserve it in human terms but God's love is bigger than our weaknesses.  Jesus said we must love others as we love ourselves. So we must learn to love ourselves as He loves us, not in some arrogant way but with humble thanks.

In fact, when we feel more confident about who we are we demand less that the other person somehow make us feel good enough.

So you see there is an "I" in marriage and it is worth thinking about ME.  It fact it's vital and important. Just don't make everything at home about ME.  Then you just become a pain.

Is Mistaken Identity Paralyzing Your Home?

A woman went to the hospital and during surgery had a near-death experience. But during that time she saw  God so she asked Him, "Is this it?  Is life on earth over?"  And God said, "No, you actually have 35 years left. You're going to make it."

So before long she woke up in her hospital bed and realized she was alright. As a result she decided to stay and have some plastic surgery done - a tummy tuck, some implants and major face alterations.  She even had her hair dyed as well figuring that if she had all that time left she might as well make the most of it.

However, as she finally left the hospital, she was hit by an ambulance racing to the ER and was killed.  So this time when she comes before God she is very upset. She says to God quite dramatically, "I thought you said I had 35 years to live and then I get hit by a car and killed."  To which God replied, "Oh sorry, I didn't recognize you."

A case of mistaken identity.  And while that's just a silly story, mistaken identity is a major problem for many people. No, not that they are thought to be someone else. Instead, THEY think they are really someone else they really are not.  Some think their identity is determined by their circumstances: loss of a job, poor finances, location and the like.  Others believe their worth is decided by their lack of ability - they can't sing, can't fix things, aren't athletic enough or whatever.

Another group thinks that who they are is determined by what they're feeling:  hopelessness, grief, anger.

On the flip side, we've also been taught that our worth is tied up in what we do, have or know. We have money, a great education, good looks, lots of accomplishments.  But what if any or all of those things are taken away?  Do we hand off our value at the same time?  God says we don't.  Our worth and value are never determined by anything other than what God thinks of us.

And God believes that every human has value, matters, is loved and can be forgiven.  And when we choose to follow Christ and receive His payment for us on the cross, we receive that forgiveness and literally become God's child. That's where our worth is.

So what are you struggling with today?  Remember it doesn't determine who you are, just what you're experiencing. Ask yourself what you're teaching in your home. Are you implying to your kids that their value goes up and down based on school work or other achievements?  If so, change the message.  Show your kids that they are unconditionally loved by you and by God. Keep a case of mistaken identity from taking over your household!

Where Our Worth Is Really Found

Who would imagine that our view of ourselves could impact even how we communicate and connect in marriage but it does. We must figure out that it's impossible for a couple to ever deeply explore one another's souls - their feelings, thinking, etc. - if either person feels like his or her worth is on the line to do so.

Let me explain. If you're a Christ follower, part of God's family through faith in Christ, then five things are always true: You're loved, you matter, you have purpose, you are a child of God, and you're forgiven. And it's those truths that are the foundation of our identity, who we really are on any given day.

However, most of us drift little by little towards thinking again that our value is in something or someone else. We start to think that who we are is based on what we're currently experiencing, things we're presently struggling with, the tasks we cannot do, or the circumstances that we now encounter. We may think for example, "I'm unemployed so therefore I'm a lousy provider, I'm a terrible spouse, and I'm letting down my family," and the like. And sadly, that often becomes who we believe we now are.

But what if we were to think this way? "No, I don't have a job right now and I need to deal with that, but I'm still loved, I matter, I have purpose nonetheless and I'll always be God's child. I just happen to be unemployed." That's a huge difference in perspective that can be lifechanging.

When our circumstances or what others think of us determine who we are then we must fight to the finish for our worth wherever we can. And unfortunately that's why many couples battle furiously about things that really aren't that important. What starts as a solvable disagreement turns into put downs, name-calling and lots of yelling. Why? Because the fighters are trying to save their value and worth. They must stand for themselves and believe they cannot lose the battle to be ok.

But when we finally grasp that our worth is never really at risk we become healthier and can respond, even to criticism, more positively. Though it's still not always easy to go to that other person and talk, we don't become paralyzed by what's going on or being said to us. We will be more willing to listen when we don't have to win. We can hear criticism, right or wrong, and process it with the other person rather than lash out at them for being so "unfair."

Yes, it's important and helpful to learn communication strategies and guidelines to make our interactions more effective. I gave some of those guidelines in my last post and they are worth reviewing or seeing for the first time. But if we don't understand that our ultimate worth only comes from God and not from our spouse, "winning" or having others change, then we will die on the sword of our opinions.

Where do you find your worth? In your job, degrees, accomplishments? In what your spouse thinks of you, how your kids turn out or how much money you make? Any source of worth apart from God will potentially let you down. And if your value is tied up in your spouse then you won't approach them anytime you think their response to you may be negative.

I often suggest people struggling with this principle carry around a card that has the five truths above about worth written on it: I'm love, I matter, I'm forgiven, I'm a child of God and I have purpose. Say them to yourself everyday. Remind yourself often of how God sees you. It will not only change your marriage communication. It will change your life!

Handling Our Pain In Helpful Ways

Pain isn't fun, is it? Whether it's from a toothache, childbirth (what would I know?) or surgery, we and our doctors do our best to limit the pain we must endure. And there's nothing wrong with lowering or even getting rid of pain in many circumstances as long as we do it wisely and appropriately.

However, many people spend great amounts of time, energy and even money to dull other kinds of pain and they use unhelpful, inappropriate and even destructive ways at times to do it. And when we bring that painkilling to our marriage or parenting, the results begin to affect others as well as ourselves.

For example, some people have great amounts of emotional pain left over from their past. They may have been told they would never amount to much, that they were rejectable for some reason or that they weren't very talented. Some of us may have received those impressions from teachers, parents, bosses and friends who may have never even said those words but we knew what they meant.

As a result, we've spent much of our lives trying to anesthetize our hurt because it is too much, at least in our minds, to face every day. So some of us work harder, others get more degrees, many never let anyone down or must always be right. Others take more obviously destructive routes like abusing alcohol, using drugs, or being drawn to destructive short-term relationships.

Sadly, some of us bring our hurts and painkilling strategies into our homes. Jon's pain came from his parents always setting extremely high standards for him in school. If he got all A's except for one B, his parents were mad because of the B instead of being proud of his outstanding report card. So now as a husband and father, he still feels he has to perform. Criticism is unacceptable. He WILL be the best dad, the perfect husband and can never be wrong.

Why is he like that? It's possible that the pain of being unacceptable is still too risky and potentially damaging from his perspective to face. He never wants to have anyone look down on his efforts like his parents did even though he may never associate the two situations.

Jill has never thought she is pretty or attractive. The kids in school mercilessly called her names, made fun of how skinny she was, and laughed about her skin problems. Her parents weren't overtly critical but she knew they didn't think she was good-looking either because they never commented about her outfits or bragged on her looks.

So when Jill got married she was thrilled that someone seemed to like her enough to want to spend their life with her. But the thought of her husband possibly ever leaving her because of her looks kept her in a panic most of the time. They never talk about it but nonetheless Jill goes to the gym at least five days a week and spends a fortune on clothes whether she needs them or not. If she doesn't have at least ninety minutes to do her make-up and get dressed she becomes terrified to leave the house.

Why does she live that way? The pain of being unattractive and as a result rejected is too much for her to bear. Do you see the power of our personal painkilling? It can begin to run our lives, stymie intimacy in our marriage and taint our parenting. It is potentially paralyzing.

What's the answer? Well, it's easy and it's hard. The easy part is that we must learn that our worth is not found in what anyone says or does. It's only based on what God thinks. So often our identity becomes tied to our circumstances, accomplishments or what others think of us. But the Bible tells us that God loves us unconditionally, that Christ died for us as a result of His love. If we choose to follow Christ and become a child of God our worth and value will always be intact.

Instead of our mistakes or inadequacies now determining who we are, we can remind ourselves each day that we are a child of God, made in His image, a person of worth and purpose. Yes, we may happen to mess up from time to time or have a person not like us on a given day or have our kids not be perfect or have our spouse be more right than we are at the moment. In spite of it all, we still matter to God.

Unfortunately, the hard part is that we have often lived based on wrong thinking for a long time and we have to practice with God's help thinking in new ways. It's not always easy to change. Romans 12:2 reminds us that real change happens as we let God renew our minds. It's something we need to do every day.

What do you need to change about how you think about you? I encourage you to let God do some work on your mind throughout your waking hours. If so you will be free to be the best parent, spouse, friend and Christ follower you can be without all the pressure to be perfect or to gain your worth from what happens on a given day.

Yes, as Jesus said, "The truth will set you free."