Beware the Activity Monsters

Have you seen that insurance commercial where you're supposedly watching the telecast of a professional golf tournament and the announcers are speaking softly as the player is about to strike the ball?  Then all of a sudden out of the water hazard some huge octopus-like creature springs up grabbing several of the golfers by its tentacles and throwing them all around.

I have to admit I have no clue what the producers of that commercial were smoking in their design meeting. I have no interest in buying their insurance after that ad.

However, I wonder how many parents realize they and their children may have similarly been caught by the tentacles of their monster schedule, a situation that could have been avoided with a little planning and some saying "no."

I've spoken of this before and perhaps you've tired of hearing about it from me and others that our kids are being eaten alive by activity, much of it unnecessary and driven by parents. Kids no longer just play a sport (and it's rarely one anyway). They must go to camps, play year-round, take specified lessons, travel long distances and enter multiple tournaments. And we're not talking about the Michael Phelps level athletes preparing for the Olympic Trials.

This is happening with preschoolers, elementary students and middle school students whose running from activity to activity is not only wearing them out but stealing time from their personal, spiritual and emotional well-being.

Student groups in churches are often thirsty for participation and willing servants in ministry because students are now gone to tournaments all weekend, can't attend a midweek activity because of more practices or lessons or are simply too tired to give the church some extra time.

Marriages struggle because mom and dad have little face to face, quiet time just for them anymore.  On the surface they think things are fine, but their relationship is eroding and can potentially collapse if it's not given body, soul and spirit attention.

So what's the answer?  Some will say, "Gary, don't you know that my son or daughter can't move up in their sport or skill unless they do all these extra things?"

First, limit the choices. Okay, so your Ryan is potentially the next great college basketball player.  Then let him focus on that but don't grant him access to four sports. Allyssa is a phenomenal volleyball player - then, let he focus on volleyball.

Second, don't sacrifice the most important things. If you and your children have little time to serve others and be a part of your church's ministry in some way, you're too busy. If you never  take a vacation any more and your family doesn't know what it means to be together for an hour or two and just have fun, you're too busy.  If mom and dad never have time for themselves, you're too busy!

Third, make some choices that will model the lifestyle you believe your kids should lead when they are parents.

Too many activities are not just a monster of sorts. They will mess with who you are and who you become. And that's not worth the risk. Stay away from the water hazard.

Do You Know Where Your Kids Are? Really?

Yesterday I was driving home for lunch and was headed down a residential street just before reaching our street. And as I looked to my right I could not believe my eyes. I thankfully saw a little toddler who couldn't have been walking long in a diaper headed towards the road.

He was just ready to walk down the slanted concrete into the road so I slowed down looking frantically for an adult to follow or be nearby. There was none.

So I began to brake thinking I needed to swoop up this child and find his mother or father or someone caring for him. Only then did I see a women, I assume to be his young mother, race out of a home across the street and run toward the child shouting, "Oh my God, oh my God!"

Of course a lot of assumptions and wonderings went through my mind but who really knows what happened.  Hopefully it was a terrible mistake or carelessness that will never happen again.

Thankfully a potential tragedy was averted because this woman didn't know where her child was at every moment.

But I sometimes wonder if parents who would never dream of neglecting a child and endangering its life this way still don't know where their kids are.  At least they don't know much about their well being spiritually, socially, emotionally and even physically.

Parents everyday find out that their child is doing or feeling things they never knew about. And most of us are shocked when it happens, aren't we?  We wonder how we didn't have a clue.  In the worst cases it's parents of kids who end up killing someone later who apparently just looked the other way a time or two.

How do we keep track of our kids in real terms?  Well, there's no full-proof method but there are some places we can start.

Talk to them. Sure teens especially can be hard to connect with but always try. No matter what their age, don't badger, talk. Spend time with them beyond driving them places. Build a relationship by doing things together. Make it easier for them by listening, not lecturing.

Observe them. Take note of changes, odd actions or habits that suddenly change. Do not look the other way and always assume that these occurrences are just because of their age. That might be true but don't be naive.

Guard them. Yes, it's still a cruel world and kids can't handle all the pressure on their own. Guard against their doing too much, not getting enough rest and hanging with the wrong crowd.  Don't be a t tyrant or a safety fanatic but you must still be the parent and say "no" when your gut tells you something is not a good idea.

Teach them. Model healthy behavior, time management and faith. Teach them what it means to practically love God and follow Christ. Serve with them and give them opportunities to use their gifts to help others. Show them how to rest, care for others and do things that really matter.

You won't want or need to follow them around but you can still know where they are much of the time.

A Simple Action Can Soothe The Pain of Conflict

Have you ever felt like you were in a conflict that you couldn't win or resolve?  Perhaps it's with our boss, kids, spouse, friend, neighbor. We can't seem to make them understand or don't see any reason behind why they treated us the way they did.

Or perhaps our conflict was with life. Why couldn't things have worked out for me the way they did for my friend? Why does trouble seem to follow me or our family?

Maybe we've been tugging against God Himself. Good luck with that by the way but I've done it too. We wonder why God seems to have allowed bad things to happen -  we lose our job, struggle financially or can't work things out so we can and be happy and content for a while.

So what do we do?  Often we pull harder so to speak. We get more angry, try more logic or become even more demanding that others change and come through for us. And while things and people don't change we do. We become bitter and hard to live with most of the time. Our health can suffer and life simply isn't fun anymore.

I have a suggestion. If you were in a real tug-of-war that you didn't want to engage in, you could stop it quickly, right?  Just drop your end of the rope. The other person or persons can keep pulling until Jesus comes back but you're not in the contest.

Well, we can do the same when we're in an emotional contest with someone. We can drop the rope there too. How?

Lots of ways. One is to change your responses. That means that you quit arguing, shut down your end of a conversation or agree to disagree. You don't have to keep going in the conflict.

Some will feel like this is giving in but it's not. We can let someone else win. We can let them at least think they've won, believe they are smarter or whatever.  We know better but we also accept that they don't need to understand us or what we're doing. Let them deal with the conflict if they want.

A second option is to not demand anymore. Do not demand that the othe person change or agree with you. Don't demand that you look good. Don't require that they like you. There are times when even those we love might not connect with us for a time. They will likely get over it and so will you. High expectations are often the cause for why we feel like we must prevail in conflict.

Third, use language that frees you.  For example get comfortable with phrases like, "I guess we're going to have to disagree,"  or "Tell me more about that," or "I'm sorry that we can't be on the same page on this but it's OK."

Sometimes we literally have to hear ourselves say that we're not going to engage, try to win or let another person's actions ruin our day, week or month.


Yes, conflict is inevitable in marriages, family and life in general. But it doesn't have to own us or rule the day. Just learn to drop the rope.

Are You Giving TO or Living THROUGH Your Kids?

I was standing at Starbuck's recently talking to a man who apparently attends my church now and then (it's a big church). He had introduced himself and we continued to chat as we waited for our espresso drinks.

But soon he said, "I need to gloat a little. Yesterday my son won the regional wrestling tournament and he's only a freshman!"  I of course congratulated him and could resonate with the pride he was feeling after a great accomplishment by one of his kids.

I am glad he felt comfortable telling me as I'm sure his dad tank was still overflowing as it should be.

However, I also know that some parents relish moments like that and then crave for more. The success of their kids becomes a drug that they can't shake. Perhaps the child is achieving in ways they never did or they merely have to one-up the neighbors. It doesn't matter the reason. Living through our children is a black hole that has serious consequences for them and us!

Some of those consequences?  We inappropriately push our children too hard. Instead of being honest about their abilities or lack of them we demand that they keep going and get to the next level. And we can subsequently send the message that unless you perform you're not good enough for us. And watching the success of the scant few who reached the Olympics this week doesn't likely help.

Second, instead of being normally proud we become narcisstically arrogant. Everything starts to revolve around their succcesses and it's all we talk about. We chart every statistic, keep track of every win or loss and brag on Facebook or at the next meeting with a friend about their performance. To be honest we can become an annoying pain rather than a cherished friend enjoying one's children.

Third, we can lose some of our connection with our child. We don't talk anymore about school unless it involves their skills, we rarely discuss everyday life and just focus on their sport, club, music or whatever. And it's possible that they too feel they can't really get our attention unless they've done something notable.

Finally, we can avoid looking at the void in us we're trying to fill through them. Chances are there is something in us that we're trying to soothe, a pain we're wanting to dull or a goal we still want to reach through their successes. And if we don't figure out what it is and learn to fill that void in healthy, spiritual, godly ways it will never happen. And we'll never be satisfied.

Are you giving to your kids in loving, caring and normal ways?  Or are you trying to live through your kids' successes?  Enjoy those special accomplishments. Tell them you're proud of them of course. But make sure you love them no matter what. That's the way God treats us and I don't think we'd want it any other way. Your kids don't either.

We Would Never Be A Hoarder Would We?

Maybe you've seen the reality show called Hoarders. The producers find someone who is clearly obsessed with keeping everything and a team of expert organizers, a psychologist and other helpers try to get them to change their ways.

In most cases it's not easy. There is usually all sorts of personal baggage hidden under their emotional layers of debris which will not be disposed of quickly. Often the person breaks down in despair seeing their prized possessions being thrown in a dumpster or at best organized.

Most of us watching a program like that would say, "That will never be me. I couldn't stand living that way." And we're probably right. There are only a small percentage of people who will endure the extremes of a true hoarder.

But I wonder if a lot of us aren't closer than we think, at least in spirit. We really do hoard we just do it in an organized and more acceptable way.  Let me suggest a few areas where potential hoarding can crop up in our homes.

We may hoard successes. We keep trying to add one more award, win, trophy or adulation for our kids or ourselves. We live for the next chance to tell a friend or put on Facebook the latest impressive feats in our family. How many Christmas letters rather than just giving an update on the family's important moments of the year are filled with all of the latest things to brag about on each person?

We may hoard security. Of course it makes sense to set aside savings for emergencies and retirement and to do all we can to make sure our family needs are maintained. But many keep adding more: another piece of real estate, bank accounts, other income streams and the like. We're never satisfied that enough is enough.

We can hoard extra stuff. Just like we might do with our finances we feel we always have to have a lot of abundance or we won't be OK. So we buy mulitiples of everything, never miss a good sale and keep trying to find more space to store it all in.

So what might we do at our house to battle the temptation to hoard?

First, make giving things and money away the norm at home. Look for ways to share what you have, find a regular place to give things to and teach your kids to do the same. Yes, be wise and careful that you have planned well for your needs then give the rest to someone or a great organization.

Second, take inventory and pare things down to only what you need. This may take some soul-searching and admitting that you really do have too much. Get rid of a lot, have a garage sale or rent a truck and donate things to a needy organization. If you really want to get serious, move into a smaller home and you will quickly find you can't take it all and will have to do something about it.

Third, start living in ways where you must trust God more to make it. Don't be foolish. God  has blessed us in many ways so that we would have what we need. Take good care of those basic things. But find some challenges, mission opportunities or whatever that require you to have special faith in God meeting your needs. You will live on a lot less but live a lot more.

My Most Offensive Blog Ever . . . For Parents

Alright, let's just say it.  I'm going to offend many of you with the premise of this blog. Some of you might even quit reading my stuff. A few will wonder how I can be so misguided but I'll take my chances.

Because here's my observation. And like Simon Cowell on American Idol or Howard Stern on America's Got Talent, I know I'm right.

The universe does not revolve around your children! Nor my children nor anyone else's kids. Our children are not the most important people in the world, our church, school or neighborhood. They do not deserve more than others and are not entitled to the first, best, optimum, finest anything. The world has not been looking for or waiting for your child or my child to arrive on the scene any more than anyone else's son or daughter.

Now let me be clear. I'm a parent and now a grandparent too. I love my kids and their kids. I want the best for them and tried along with my wife to give them as many favorable and positive experiences and training opportunities as possible. There is nothing wrong with desiring the best for our kids. But too many parents demand it and shove their way to the head of every line so to speak to get it.

I recently heard of a mom who was attending a Christian women's activity and who demanded that her preschooler be in the same childcare room with his friend, a friend who was not even the same age. Parents in a host of situations demand the best teacher, trainer, room, nursery worker, class, summer activity or coach and if they don't get it for little Connor or Clarissa they vent their anger, pull strings until they get it, make life hell for the leadership or find another program.

Comedian Bryan Regan talks about the people on airplanes who take ten minutes trying to get their large case crammed into the overhead compartment while oblivious to the people waiting to get to their seats. His description is hilarious though these rude travelers are not. You do wonder sometimes if this person in row 20A really thinks they are the only one on the airplane.

Pushy, demanding parents aren't funny either nor are we if we live our lives forcing our kids to the front of every social line. Sometimes in life we just don't get what we want. We need to get over ourselves.

Why might parents like us overreach, overreact and over- respond when it comes to our kids?

Perhaps we didn't get the perks and opportunities we would have liked when we were growing up. And yes, that is disappointing but we're not helping our kids by letting them think that they need every advantage now or are more important than the others. And we certainly aren't wise to use our children as some sort of payback for the childhood we never had. We're only going to injure our kids or a relationship somewhere.

We're fearful that if our kids miss out on that one teacher, class or experience they will be scarred for life.  Guess what?  They won't. In fact, part of growing, learning and maturing is to face experiences that are extra-challenging, where you don't have all the advantages others have and work through it anyway. Many of the perks we're perhaps panicky about today won't even be remembered by us or our children in five or ten years.

We're just plain selfish. I know none of us like to hear this one but it's worth asking. Have we become a little too entitled, arrogant and self-centered? Is it time for us to care about others more than ourselves? If we are Christ followers are we modeling the kind of spirit and attitude Jesus modeled? He modeled humility and restraint and was always sinless even in His dissent.

Is it time to take a step back, breathe in deeply and remember that life is about far more than being first or getting our own way?  Maybe.

One final caution. What our kids expect in life today is likely what they will expect tomorrow.  If they live an entitled life and watch mom or dad demand more for them at every turn, they will probably expect the same when they are adults. But they will be disappointed and likely hurt big-time when they find out that people and  life in general doesn't cater to them.

So enjoy your kids. Help them succeed, grow and mature. But they aren't the only star in the heavens. Just yours. Appreciate and love them for that.

When Divorce Looms Over Your Marriage

I am sure I don't have to remind most of us of the statistics on divorce. Half of today's marriages will not experience "til death do us part." So it's imperative that spouses think long and hard about the impact of divorce and decide now what they will do when divorce rears its ugly head in their homes.

Some would say at this point, "Well, we shouldn't even be talking about it."  And I would agree that in a perfect world that SHOULD be the case. But we are humans so let's get a little more real and think about this for a few minutes.

First, ask yourself how the idea got posited there in the first place. Did one of you use it in an argument for leverage?  Is that really the route you want to go or were you just mad?  If there is no real movement or need to go the divorce route, then take the word out of your vocabulary NOW. Become more mature and talk about what's really going on, in the here and now, and deal with it.

But using divorce for leverage is the cheap way to resolve conflict and it rarely works.  Get some help but change your terms.

Second, have you done everything YOU could do to fix things?  Sometimes one of the spouses appears to have quit or given up.  And if that's the other person then I still want to ask you, "Have you tried everything anyway?"  Have you gone for counseling, have you prayed, have you been the spouse you want the other person to be?  Have you confessed your role in the strife (and yes you do have a role).

Ten years from now you at least want to be able to say that you before God did everything you could to save your marriage.  And sometimes, not always, the other spouse will see those changes in you and begin to come around.

Third, what kind of impact are your responses having on the children?  Whatever you do, keep the kids in mind.  Don't let them get hit with unnecessary friendly fire and shrapnel from your arguments, namecalling and petty ways of trying to win the battle. Lay aside your pride, suck it up sometimes and deal with the conflict but only in appropriate ways.

And should you go down the divorce road, still keep those kids in mind. You may have to yield on something that you'd rather not so that your kids can be spared some unncessary hurt. Do it. I know a guy who broke up with a woman he had a relationship with after his marriage ended because of how his ex used that relationship to harm the kids. I admire him.

Finally, remember that your worth comes from God not your spouse. Too many battles go on and on in homes because each spouse is fighting for his or her worth when it's not really on the line. Remember whose you are. Your spouse will never be enough for you so move forward.

Go to the mat for your marriage. Fight for it. Pray about it. Give it all you've got.  It's usually worth it.

At Your Home Do You Enjoy or Protect?

I've only seen a partial episode of the reality show Hoarders but that was probably enough for a while. Each week the program focuses on a person or family who literally hoards everything from old boxes to tools to clothes to you name it. In most cases their homes are a mess and every room is piled with stuff. I can't imagine living that way for even a day.

However, there seems to be a common reason behind most of the hoarding, one that is closer to where many of us live than we care to admit. They can't imagine losing it for fear that they might need it someday.

They can have a hundred empty shirt boxes but won't throw any away because they might need one and one is never enough. That pile of magazines probably has an article, ad or coupon that could come in handy. That shed full of tools, broken and worn, might meet a need for them or a neighbor.


And while saving things, making do with what we have and not being wasteful have their merits, hoarding like this is really just selfishness and many of us are at least tainted by it. In fact there are probably some deep-seated insecurities and self image issues that have never been resolved in hoarders and us.

Nonetheless, in most cases we too have WAY more than what we need and we can become protectors and hoarders in our own right. We spend thousands of dollars on what we deem necessities that people in most of the world would call luxuries and in some cases would like to have just one.

So we live a lot of our lives trying to protect our stash rather than wisely using just enough.  We accumulate and accumulate just a little bit more.  And we model the same for our children who pass along similar habits to their kids. People alive who lived through the depression still think this way but that mentality has made it to today as well in some forms.

In fact today there are two extremes:  use things up and then buy a new one or never throw anything away and try to get more. Both are misguided.  I'll talk about the consumer mentality in another post.

For now let's talk about how can we live a life of contentment with what we have versus being those in the protective camp who fear losing anything.

1.  Regularly take inventory and throw away (or give away) things you aren't using or don't need.   I have a lot of books that I've had to buy or read for my counseling and pastoral ministry over the years.  However, whenever I get a new book now I throw or give one away.  I'm just not going to add to my collection anymore.  We need to do something similar in our homes.

Some say if it's been there a year or more and you haven't use it get rid of it. You decide.

2.  Get rid of some of your storage by downsizing or selling some places you have that just pile up more stuff.  Some people have sheds, multiple homes or other places where they are keeping things that they just don't use. But they are paying to store it or asking someone else to manage it. Say goodbye and pass it on to someone else who could benefit or just throw it out.

3.  Enjoy what you have, don't hide it away somewhere.  Sure, we should take care of and maintain those things we've been blessed with. We should help things last as long as possible. But also take time to enjoy special items - pictures, collections, hobby items, special souvenirs, etc. They were made to be used.

4. Get involved in the lives of people needier than you.  They will remind you of how much you have that you don't really need. The more we spend time here or in other countries with people who have so little we'll realize how little we could live on.  And the less we have the less we have to take care of.  Aren't there better things we could do with our resources?

You bet!

Getting Rid of SECONDHAND SMOKE At Your House

Maybe you smoke, maybe you don't. But if you're a non-smoker then you likely don't appreciate having to breathe the billows from another person's cigarette.  A funny remark a few years ago went something like this, "I'll breathe your smoke if you'll chew my gum."

However, this post isn't about real smoke. We can debate that issue another time. But people in homes everywhere have breathed in a lot of secondhand smoke, potentially damaging emotional fumes so to speak, from the relationships they've had and lived through. They've been forced to inhale other people's pain, dysfunction, bad choices and character flaws so that it has become hard to live smoke-free anymore.

As adults they continue to own the guilt of what others do or to try to fix the people closest to them. They also often have a hard time setting boundaries and let other people regularly invade their space and force them to take responsibility that never belonged to them in the first place.

Now unless we live alone we will send some secondhand smoke to our spouses and kids.  We can't help it. We're not perfect. They'll pick up some of our habits, flaws, immaturity and unhealthy ways of relating.  However, we don't have to blow emotional rings in their faces.  How?

First, we can keep working on ourselves being honest about our weaknesses and struggles. When those we love see us being authentic and doing healthy things to grow they'll learn to do the same.

Second, we must ask others to be a mirror for us. It's healthy to let others help monitor our weaknesses and those times when we exhale in front of others in ways that are inappropriate or damaging.

Third, we can be intentional about not asking others to take on our pain.  Others can share it but we can't ask or demand that they own it. A well-meaning widow has done this when she asks her teenage son to now be the man of the house after his dad dies. Parents who divorce often send the message to their kids that they too must feel all the same hurt and disappointment. Roommates can demand that their friend absorb all the angst they feel because of hurts from their past.

So, what smoke are you blowing towards those you love?  Some issues need to be smoked outside. Some things you need to handle on your own and with God's help. Take some healthy steps to clear the air in your home and everyone will be healthier in the long run.

Getting Your Family Out of "Orbit"

I have always loved following the space program. From the time I was in 6th grade or so watching the first launches into space to seeing Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin land on the moon to more recent shuttle flights, I can't take my eyes off our forays beyond earth's atmosphere. If I could go on a space shuttle flight I would be willing to leave in the morning.

However, one thing I've noticed about space flight is that when the shuttle gets into an orbit it stays there unless some sort of new and extra energy or power is introduced. In most cases some sort of rocket must be fired or that vehicle will just continue to go around the earth. Unfortunately that picture describes many marriages and families.

They have hopes and dreams that things will improve but the inertia of their orbit keeps them doing the same things over and over again. Sadly, some people don't know how to change, while others don't have the time to change. Many are afraid of change where some really don't want to change because all they know and are "comfortable" with is the way things are now.

Nonetheless, there are many orbits or patterns that are potentially harmful, destructive or at best not wise.

During the space program's moon flights I remember hearing about (you couldn't really see this part in those days) the spacecraft having to make a mid-course correction part way to the moon. It meant that they would quietly fire a small rocket that would adjust their direction ever so slightly. However, that small change would make a huge difference when they got to the moon.

Most marriages and families also need some mid-course corrections to help them to land in a better place. So in the next few posts I want to provide some practical suggestions to help you and your spouse or family get out of unhelpful and ultimately harmful orbits.

Psalm 78 reminds us that we as adults have the potential and ability with God's help to change the orbit so to speak of our relationship or family. No matter what we brought from our past to our current situation God can help us overcome it and provide a new direction in our homes.

"He decreed statutes . . . so the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children. Then they would put their trust in God and would not forget his deeds but would keep his commands. They would not be like their forefathers . . . ." (Italics mine) vv. 6-8.

Here's some good news for today. Whether you're facing the orbit of busyness or abuse or addictions or anger or financial messes or lack of communication you can change. God is a God of new creation, second chances and changed lives.

Would you take some time to simply identify the unhelpful, unhealthy orbits of your life or your family's life? And would you first before God commit to change, commit to adding some new power and strength to your home and to do the hard work to go in a new direction?

God wants to free you to fly in new directions. And I'll try to provide some practical helps in the next few posts as well to get you on your way. Ignition . . . start!

Key Causes of Marriage Problems

Recently I served on a panel in our weekend services answering questions about the things that bring pressure points to a marriage. I had no clue what topics would be covered but I was pretty sure there were a couple of places we needed to go.

Why? Because marriage problems, while complex and unique to each couple, have fundamental causes and issues that every couple would be wise to take note of and do inventory on regularly. And if you're deficient in these areas then make sure you get some preventative or remedial help that can assure that your marriage can remain vibrant, healthy and on track the way God intended.

The first common characteristic I see in troubled marriages is a lack of premarital preparation. That means that a couple began their new home with few skills and little understanding about what marriage is, can become and how to keep it growing. As a result they often don't know any better. They can begin to think that their dysfunctional ways of relating are normal and therefore continue to perpetuate them rather than learn to change.

It's only when things get so bad that the couple finally get help but even the assistance process is challenging because there is so much in their thinking and behaving that must be altered. If you didn't have premarital counseling before marriage I would seriously consider getting some or at least a marriage mentor and begin to talk about how your relationship is going. You might discover some major changes you need to make to avoid greater problems down the road.

Second, meaningful communication with each other is non-existent or severely inhibited by the ways the couple connect on a daily basis. So many couple are more interested in being right than doing what's best for each other and their home. Simple discussions turn into all out wars with yelling, pouting, swearing and demanding as the weapons. When things get bad enough most start to use namecalling and bringing up the past as ways to get in their final blow.

And those who take things to the limit can even begin to hit one another. These couples`need to know that there is a better way. And while I don't have time or space here to detail all of what healthy communication does and doesn't look like let me address a couple of places to start.

Begin by listening. Yes, listening. Turn off the TV, look at each other in the eye, and talk about how you feel about what's going on and why. Identify one another's feelings without defending your position. When we listen well we begin to understand and we all want and need understanding. Once we've heard the other person's feelings then we need to ask what they need from us that would help them feel less that way.

An example: So honey, you're confused and even hurt about our finances right now because I question your spending a lot and don't give you as much freedom as you would like with money. What do you need from me that would help you not feel that way as much?

Get the idea? Communication takes time and work. It requires putting aside our own demands and listening to the other person. I've never seen a couple struggling with their marriage who is very good at this.

Finally, when you talk with one another only speak in the here and now. By that I mean that you only talk about the current issue and what is happening right then, not things from the past or predictions for the future.

Here's the wrong way: Ron, you just never listen do you! It's always about you when we make a decision whether it's about going to dinner or changing jobs.

You're just like your father so why should I ever expect things to be different?

Here's the right way: Ron, I was confused tonight and frankly a little hurt when you told me to choose where we'd go to eat and then last minute you decided we would go somewhere else.

Can you see the difference? The first responses are filled with character attacks based on the past and then the spouse says the same about the future when the comparison to his dad is brought in. The implication? You'll never change. You're a loser, that's the way you are so why should I try?

But in the second example, the spouse focuses only on what's going on right now. That is huge in developing healthy communication skills and having meaningful conversations. A person is far more likely to engage in the second conversation than the first and will have far less tendencies to make war over it.

If you want to bring some pretty immediate help to a struggling marriage, start by getting some counsel or mentoring and try these communication skills. You'll be surprised where that can take you if you try!