Life Is A Vapor: Make The Most Of It Now.

An early morning text woke me today, telling me what I had feared that a sweet man and friend from my church had died following a major surgery. He loved Jesus and was never afraid to talk about his faith, raise his hands in worship or serve others.

He'd had quite a few surgeries in the eighteen months I've been at the church so I called him our Bionic Man. He loved the joking and always made my day with his smile and attitude. He was a key part of our MenUP! planning team again for this year's retreat in April. A lot of us are going to miss him.

But it seems like our church and community have recently lost an unusual number of people to deaths that weren't anticipated or expected. Most were way too young, some teens, some suicides, others in accidents or had health issues that went bad. So many families are still reeling from the pain of an empty space in their lives.

And of course, we can never hope to understand why and need to trust that God did not miss these events. Thankfully, when people know Jesus and have a relationship with God, we enjoy a hope that we'll see them again. But the the loss is still overwhelming and the sadness great.

And every one of these losses that any of us experience should be a prompting to not waste the special time with people close to us that we now enjoy. I know I need to do a constant check on my priorities that I slow down and keep the main things the main things. Do I really embrace every moment that I have with my spouse, kids, grandkids and extended family?

Are we just running through life doing what we think HAS to be done when there are moments we could be enjoying with those we love that cannot be embraced at 70 mph? Do we savor each other, take time to hear their stories or just play and have fun anymore without a schedule to follow?

Are there people we need to say thank you to or I'm sorry or I love you that could be gone before we know it and we've missed our chance.

No we don't need to live morbidly, but we each have to answer those questions for ourselves and would be wise to take inventory. I think of the song Vapor by Little Big Town.  It's worth a listen if you haven't heard it. The chorus simply says, I want to live, I want to love, Just one more day is never too much, never enough, I want to drink in every minute that I can, Life is a vapor, fire and paper, gonna make the most of it before it's gone.

So who will you stop and savor a moment or two with today? Where can you slow down and not just fly by some person you know you would so miss if they were gone?


Yes, life is a vapor. Make the most of it before it's gone. Skip, you'll be missed, buddy. I'm glad I knew you. See you again someday.

 

Your Family And The Supreme Court Decision

It's been a few weeks now since the Supreme Court's landmark decision on same-sex marriages. Thousands of editorials and articles have been written, pro and con, and it seems like emotions have for now at least settled down somewhat.

Nonetheless, impassioned cries have come for pastors and churches to do everything from rise up as a mighty army to fight the decision and its implications to be more tolerant and accepting even though one may be opposed.

Those discussions and actions will continue for a long time I suspect.

But a question for families might be the more practical one to consider: what should Christian parents do and say to their kids about it?  Or should we just not talk about it? How do we prepare our families for the likely discussions they will encounter at work, in school or college this fall? How can we share what we believe to be God's truth while helping one another to respond to others in a Christlike fashion?

Let me suggest a couple ideas that could help.

First, if you're married work on your own marriage. Yes, boldly model what it means to have a healthy, growing, even thriving relationship in your house. Don't settle for OK. Show your kids how the two of you work at spending time together, having a vision for your long-term relationship and truly loving each other. So many kids today see mom and dad mostly as their taxi drivers and providers. Their parents have or experience little time for and with each other.

My hunch is that some of the most vocal Christians will be ones who spend little time, if any, improving and deepening their own marriage. We'll accomplish far more if we can make a case for and model a healthy heterosexual marriage.

Second, make sure you know the facts on the decision. Talk, yes, about what was decided but try to avoid all sorts of implications that we simply do not know will happen at this point. It's tempting to bemoan the possible changes in our culture, church or future decisions merely getting everyone worried rather than focusing on the present. There have already been numerous internet hoaxes of apparent actions taken as a result of the Supreme Court's decision. And of course, people jumped all over those, posted them to Facebook or Twitter and looked bad as a result.

Let's help our own families to learn the important lesson of getting the details first on anything before we assume the worst or some significant outcome.

Third, teach one another about speaking the truth in love and with grace.  As I've written elsewhere we can do our part to stand for the truth without becoming people others can't stand. Let's remind each other that we all make mistakes, that none of deserves God's grace and that there are sins that we all commit that also need forgiveness, love and someone to not reject us because of them.

What are our kids hearing come out of our mouths on this issue? What spirit do they sense behind our disagreement - bitterness, contempt and disdain or mercy, compassion and kindness?

Fourth, help one another with some cogent, respectable and meaningful replies to those who would espouse same-sex marriage. Learn to respond without anger or a demeaning spirit. Practice ways to invite an ongoing discussion and friendship, if possible, in spite of the fact that you disagree. Learn what Scripture says and doesn't say.  Because we love someone doesn't mean we must agree with them. Jesus loved a lot of people like that so we can too.

Trying To Light What Can't Give Light

I recently officiated at a wedding, one of my favorite things to do as a pastor. The reception was in a lovely venue out in the Texas hill country. Some friends at our church were also there both to assist with some of the wedding preparations and then to attend.

So after the wedding finished we were getting ready to sit down at one of tables but my friend and his wife were, like the servants they are, going around to see that the candles on the tables were lit.  Each table had a large candle in the middle with four smaller candles around it outside of the glass covering for the larger candle.

So the man came by our table with his lighter and easily lit the four smaller candles but couldn't seem to get the large one in the middle lit. He finally gave up only to have his sweet wife come by, lift up the candle, turn it over and click the switch on the bottom. It was obviously electric and a fake. We all had a good laugh afterward seeing our friend with a slightly red face.

And I thought to myself . . . how many people in everyday life are trying to get light or a flame out of something that was never intended to light?

They try. Sometimes over and over. They believe with all their heart that some activity or person or accomplishment will finally light up for them and give them what they had hoped for.  But like that electric bulb, which was never intended to become a warm flame, their hoped for satisfaction never appears either. 

Getting married,  having children, getting that promotion, obtaining that long-sought-after degree, seeing their kids win awards, owning more stuff, getting the big house, having a parent finally affirm them . . . .The list is endless. And yet they keep striking their match.

We've all done this, haven't we? The question is, "Have we gotten over the pull of things or people for our fulfillment?"  Are we trying to light a flame that is un-lightable?

If you are, then it's time for a recalibration of your thinking and your heart. It's time to learn that there are many wonderful things on most of our lists that are good to desire, but terrible to demand. Much unhappiness in life is really the result of  unmet expectations. And if we expect these things or people to make us happy we will live the rest of our lives with expectations never reached. We'll be trying to light an electric candle with a match.

Practically?  Start being thankful for what you already have. More is never enough.  Begin to pray more for what you desire and ask God to take away your demand for anything or anyone but Him.

Second, slow down, live with less and add margin to your life. Limit how many activities your kids are in and how often the family taxi has to run to meet all their needs. If you'll try this even on a small scale you will find yourself enjoying life and your family so much more.

Third, take inventory with  your spouse or a friend and admit those things have been  your lights that won't light. Don't beat yourself up, just commit to quit trying to light them. Take a first step to live differently and find your own real candle that does light.

You'll be a lot less irritated and a lot less . . . .well, shall I say "embarassed."

Learning In A Restaurant About Happiness

When Divorce Looms Over Your Marriage

I am sure I don't have to remind most of us of the statistics on divorce. Half of today's marriages will not experience "til death do us part." So it's imperative that spouses think long and hard about the impact of divorce and decide now what they will do when divorce rears its ugly head in their homes.

Some would say at this point, "Well, we shouldn't even be talking about it."  And I would agree that in a perfect world that SHOULD be the case. But we are humans so let's get a little more real and think about this for a few minutes.

First, ask yourself how the idea got posited there in the first place. Did one of you use it in an argument for leverage?  Is that really the route you want to go or were you just mad?  If there is no real movement or need to go the divorce route, then take the word out of your vocabulary NOW. Become more mature and talk about what's really going on, in the here and now, and deal with it.

But using divorce for leverage is the cheap way to resolve conflict and it rarely works.  Get some help but change your terms.

Second, have you done everything YOU could do to fix things?  Sometimes one of the spouses appears to have quit or given up.  And if that's the other person then I still want to ask you, "Have you tried everything anyway?"  Have you gone for counseling, have you prayed, have you been the spouse you want the other person to be?  Have you confessed your role in the strife (and yes you do have a role).

Ten years from now you at least want to be able to say that you before God did everything you could to save your marriage.  And sometimes, not always, the other spouse will see those changes in you and begin to come around.

Third, what kind of impact are your responses having on the children?  Whatever you do, keep the kids in mind.  Don't let them get hit with unnecessary friendly fire and shrapnel from your arguments, namecalling and petty ways of trying to win the battle. Lay aside your pride, suck it up sometimes and deal with the conflict but only in appropriate ways.

And should you go down the divorce road, still keep those kids in mind. You may have to yield on something that you'd rather not so that your kids can be spared some unncessary hurt. Do it. I know a guy who broke up with a woman he had a relationship with after his marriage ended because of how his ex used that relationship to harm the kids. I admire him.

Finally, remember that your worth comes from God not your spouse. Too many battles go on and on in homes because each spouse is fighting for his or her worth when it's not really on the line. Remember whose you are. Your spouse will never be enough for you so move forward.

Go to the mat for your marriage. Fight for it. Pray about it. Give it all you've got.  It's usually worth it.

Don't Miss Imporant Lessons in a Tragedy

We all will face some sort of devastating experience, illness, or loss in our lifetime. Some of us have even faced what may seem horribly unfair especially when compared to others. And while we should never minimize our struggle or those of others there are important things we can and must take away from and yes through even the worst of times.

Let me suggest a few.

First, we can learn more about what really matters. Many people in Austin, Texas where I currently live lost their homes to wild fires this past week. When it comes to possessions most of them have nothing or very little. But I've already heard story after story of individuals and families who still feel blessed to be alive, to hug their spouse and children and to know they can at least start over. They've realized that their stuff was just stuff.

Second, we can be reminded of what other people will do for us when we're down. Sure there are people who will always be selfish jerks. But there are many more who come alongside us when we're hurting and ask nothing in return. Churches share Christ's love in tangible ways, neighbors give of what they have even when it's not very much and people go across the city or state just to help.

Third, we will see things done for us that we will do for others later.  Often the person who cares for others most is the one who was helped the most. A woman came to our church the other day to help those impacted by the fires. Who was she? The wife of a man recently killed in a tragic accident! She knows how much even the smallest actions matter to people who are hurting. And she was reminded that her life in spite of her tragic circumstances still matters.

Yes, we must be free to hurt, grieve, rest and heal. And our journey is our journey and need not be similar to that of anyone else. We will need time and we will never totally forget the impact of our tragedy. But be sure to take the time to embrace the life lessons that can still enrich, bless and encourage you and  your family both now and for years to come, even in the worst of times.

Legacy: A Model To Follow At Home

My mom's neighbor died recently. His name was Ernie. I didn't know him well although I'd met him a few times while visiting my former home. But I'd heard about him many times, usually through my mom, about how much he was known for helping others.

He'd watch over her house while she was gone, see that the yard got watered or whatever else was needed. I've also heard similar stories or comments from other neighbors like, "There's nothing Ernie wouldn't do to help you."

At the funeral home I met his three daughters and I could tell that they were proud of their dad and had seen evidence of his caring, giving heart. I'm pretty sure they will continue to be impacted by the gentle, servant spirit of their dad and how he cared for others. One of the daughters called him her "hero" at his funeral.

The "Ernie's" of the world are helpful reminders for us all to regularly consider what we're going to leave as a legacy for our family members. Will they remember us in the same way as people who gave more than they took? Will they speak our name and naturally say, "Yes, he (she) cared about people and was willing to help them any way they could?"

You can't orchestrate an authentic legacy but you can live in such a way that you leave a lasting, eternal one.  A couple of principles seem to be important at least from my perspective.

First, as the popular Tim McGraw song says, live like you're dying. I don't think we need to be morbid but if we thought of any given day as one of the last weeks, months or even moments we had left we'd likely change a few things. We'd certainly spend less time on the mundane and more on the vital.  You can figure out what that would be for you.

Second, serve other people even if you're facing your own struggles. When we take at least some of the focus off the mountain we're climbing and walk with someone on theirs or simply share what we have with them our perspective changes. And in the process we leave something special in this world that will impact others.

Third, fight against consumerism.  It's so easy to think that life is about getting more.  But being and feeling really alive is about giving more. Consuming by itself isn't wrong or unhealthy. But worshipping what we consume is and will steal from any meaningful legacy not add to it.

Finally, do the above with the people you love - your spouse, kids, friends. Teach and help them to live the same way and to leave their own legacy that others will certainly praise at their funerals and hopefully long before.

The Five Greatest Marriage Killers

Marriages are being assaulted! I don't know of anyone who doesn't know at least one close friend, relative, neighbor or coworker whose marriage isn't struggling big time, on the verge of divorce or impacted by an affair. And I realize that one, marriage is never easy and two, there are lots of factors that complicate people's marriage stories and any attempts to fix them.

Nonetheless, I want to also be sure that couples are aware of several things that may be overlooked when they think there is little or no hope of salvaging their relationship. These five perspectives or attitudes can often keep people from actually turning their marriage around if they'll only understand what's really true.

First, thinking that your spouse must meet your needs. The truth is no spouse can ever be enough for the other person. Yes, we can and must do all we can to learn to love and respect each other, but it will still never be enough.  Only God can fulfill our deepest longings.  See Psalm 42 for example.

Second, thinking that your worth is on the line. Many couple's disagreements turn into wars because they cross a line when they believe that they now must win a battle about their personhood.  Deep within they believe that if they aren't right, aren't seen in a positive light or whatever that they will somehow decrease in value and matter less.  Nothing could be further from the truth. Our worth is totally dependent upon our relationship with God and once we are a child of God in Christ five things are always true in any circumstance.

We matter, we have purpose, we are children of God, we are loved and we are forgiven.  No circumstance or comment will ever change that.  See earlier posts on self-worth for more details.

Third, thinking that your spouse must change for you to have a great marriage.  Yes, there are things that must be changed in some circumstances that either spouse must not just let slide - abuse, bringing danger into the home, threatening suicide and the like. But certain characteristics and uniquenesses, even if they are hard for us at times, do not have to become our personal mission to transform.  Yes, talk about them, compromise if need be, but also learn to love your spouse for who she or he is. Sometimes their irksome habit or style is a healthy balance to one of yours.

Fourth, thinking that your problems are too big for God to overcome. The Bible says in Jeremiah that nothing is too difficult for God and that includes healing the hurts and diseases in our marriage.  Have you really given your marriage to God, have you brought your story together to God in prayer, have you gotten others involved to both provide godly counsel and extra prayer? 

Fifth, thinking that splitting up will necessarily be better, easier or more enjoyable.  Yes, there are circumstances where a permanent break is simply inevitable.  But don't quit just because you want to escape the pain and believe that everything will be so much better later.

When you run into problems give God, yourself and your spouse every chance to make it first.  There just might be a miracle around the corner that God is ready and willing to do in you to save your marriage and keep you from just becoming another sad story.