Marriage: The Important Three Circles of Connecting

If you were to ask most married couples how and when they spend time with each other (if they do) they would likely tell you about an activity or meeting together that falls into one of three options. Some would say, Well, we connect and communicate as we go through our day - phone calls, texts, little conversations here and there.

Others would say that they plan periodic meals out, parts of a day together, an evening alone at home here and there. Unfortunately most couples these days admit that these times are just that - periodic - and they wish they did them more often but they just don't make or have the time.

Or a few, and this number is usually less than the other two choices, say that once or twice a year they actually get away from home, go on a couples' trip, tack on some days after a conference or business trip or celebrate a special anniversary, birthday, etc. with just the two of them.

What I'd like to suggest is that healthy marriages intentionally include all three.  Why do we need the Trifecta of Connection?  Because they each  accomplish something unique and just doing one or two of the others will still omit some key ingredients in marriage that are important to the solid marriage recipe.

For example, the getaways are times when you can finally let go of some of the pressures of everyday life, think more long-term and actually do some serious brainstorming, planning and yes, praying. Companies make time for this and so do many growing churches. Why not couples and families? Longer periods of time also help us relax and enjoy each other in ways that we just don't when we're time strapped.

But those meals, afternoons, days together, etc. are also important. They're the fertile soil for you to talk about current feelings, challenges, dreams and potential changes. These times let the other person know that they're not just a passing ship in the night or merely one of the supervisory team at home. These moments continue to cement the idea in each other that you really do still matter even when life gets crazy.  Leaving these regular events out will cause serious questions to arise in each other about how important you are in the big picture.

And of course, the daily, quick connections are important and usually not a problem for most couples. But they take on a little less challenge and urgency when you and your spouse are connecting in the two other ways as well.

I encourage couples to think of three circles of connecting.and to include all three as priorities.

                                       Big Events/Getaways      Regular         Every Day


Of course the every day circle should include the most connections. The regular events need to be well . . .   regular, ideally at times that you guard carefully.  And finally, the big events will only happen on a very limited basis. But they complement each other and will all add communicating and connecting to your marriage that will be life giving to your relationship for years to come! What area do you need to shore up next?

Who's Getting Your Time and Why They Need It in 2016

A young boy was waiting at the door when his weary father came home. "Dad," he said, "how much do you make an hour?" "That's none of your business, son," the father responded obviously irritated.

"But dad," the son replied, "I really need to know, really!"

"Okay, I make about $30 an hour. Are you happy? You just wanted to know so you could go and buy some toy or video game. So go to your room and think about how selfish you are."

The boy leaves, his shoulders slouched, his head down. Before too long the father began to feel a little guilty about his sharp reply so he headed up to the boy's room with a ten-dollar bill in his hand.  "Son, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have responded the way I did. Here's the ten dollars."

The son's eyes lit up and he said excitedly, "Thanks, Dad!"  He then proceeded to pull a wad of bills from under his pillow and added the ten dollars to it. Then he said, "Dad, now I have $30. Can I buy an hour of your time?"

Sometimes those close to us are longing for the same thing. Just an hour or so of our precious, focused, non-distracted time. Yes, we've perhaps been around our kids but have we been with them?

We get busy, distracted, focused on other things and maybe other people. But we cannot continue to give them our leftovers.

Culture will only get more complicated and faster this year. We can't wait for it to change. We must change. The time we have with those we love can end in a moment or at least feel like one. The country western song says it so well, You're Gonna Miss This. Yes, someday soon we're going to miss those little bodies running around that we would love to slow down, those hugs we get when we come home yet wish for some quiet and the conversations we might wish would end sooner.

So give the people you love your focused time now. And give less to those who are merely takers and aren't a part of your most important connections. Embrace your moments for what they are not for what you wish they would be. And make it rich time as well as extended time. Most children and teens need both quantity and quality.

Who needs your time and might want to buy an hour of it?  Give it to them soon - for free!

When Selfish Isn't Sinful

Anna is a mom of two normal, healthy, fun-loving, busy kids. She and her husband Al do quite well at sharing the responsibilities of providing, taxiing, feeding and who knows what else that children and family need every day.

But the end of each day arrives and they usually have just enough energy to plop in front of the television for thirty minutes and even then one of them is usually nodding off before the program ends. They look forward to weekends but there are games, church and special events to attend and participate in that seem to never end.

They both long for some time together, even a little alone time when their tanks aren't empty. They know that parenting and marriage both require sacrifice and often feel guilty for wanting more. Their parents sacrificed for them. Shouldn't they do the same for their kids? They know that someday when the kids are older they'll be able to focus on each other and maybe even start a new job or hobby that just has to wait for now.

Sound like you? Struggle with the same feelings? Wondering when you're going to get a break? Is being a little selfish, getting some time for yourself or your marriage always in your mind selfish and about ME?

I don't think so. And apparently Jesus didn't either. He took time to be alone, to walk, to rest his physical body (of course He was God otherwise).  He wasn't always with people, there for everyone and meeting needs 24/7.

There are some reasons why we too need to follow His example.

First, if we have little in our tank emotionally then we'll have little left for others. We'll get angry more, skim on the most important things and not give our kids and spouses our best.

Second, we'll be more likely to do something we would never do otherwise. We'll blow up at a coworker, have an affair, emotional or otherwise, or make a stupid decision. We're hurting, empty and longing for a little relief and sometimes we'll do anything for a cup of cold water in the desert.

Third, we need to be reminded of our limits. No one can be there for everyone. There is only so much time in our day, so many emotions in our reserve, so much energy in these bodies we have.

So what do we do?

Accept that you are not being selfish when you add rest and refreshing to your life, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Second, incorporate some you time into your day. It may start with only a few minutes but start somewhere. Try a walk, find time to think, read, meditate, pray, just unwind. If you're married include some regular time with your spouse. Require your kids to give you that time if they are old enough (and most are if you work at it with them).

Third, make slowing down more of a priority in your family. No, we don't need to do all the things everyone else is doing. No, we don't need to be in all the clubs, sports and special programs that the neighborhood crowd has embraced. There are more important things. Focus on those.

When you start re-filling your reservoir you'll discover you actually have more to give and enjoy. And by the way, that's how God intended us to live in the first place.

Beware the Activity Monsters

Have you seen that insurance commercial where you're supposedly watching the telecast of a professional golf tournament and the announcers are speaking softly as the player is about to strike the ball?  Then all of a sudden out of the water hazard some huge octopus-like creature springs up grabbing several of the golfers by its tentacles and throwing them all around.

I have to admit I have no clue what the producers of that commercial were smoking in their design meeting. I have no interest in buying their insurance after that ad.

However, I wonder how many parents realize they and their children may have similarly been caught by the tentacles of their monster schedule, a situation that could have been avoided with a little planning and some saying "no."

I've spoken of this before and perhaps you've tired of hearing about it from me and others that our kids are being eaten alive by activity, much of it unnecessary and driven by parents. Kids no longer just play a sport (and it's rarely one anyway). They must go to camps, play year-round, take specified lessons, travel long distances and enter multiple tournaments. And we're not talking about the Michael Phelps level athletes preparing for the Olympic Trials.

This is happening with preschoolers, elementary students and middle school students whose running from activity to activity is not only wearing them out but stealing time from their personal, spiritual and emotional well-being.

Student groups in churches are often thirsty for participation and willing servants in ministry because students are now gone to tournaments all weekend, can't attend a midweek activity because of more practices or lessons or are simply too tired to give the church some extra time.

Marriages struggle because mom and dad have little face to face, quiet time just for them anymore.  On the surface they think things are fine, but their relationship is eroding and can potentially collapse if it's not given body, soul and spirit attention.

So what's the answer?  Some will say, "Gary, don't you know that my son or daughter can't move up in their sport or skill unless they do all these extra things?"

First, limit the choices. Okay, so your Ryan is potentially the next great college basketball player.  Then let him focus on that but don't grant him access to four sports. Allyssa is a phenomenal volleyball player - then, let he focus on volleyball.

Second, don't sacrifice the most important things. If you and your children have little time to serve others and be a part of your church's ministry in some way, you're too busy. If you never  take a vacation any more and your family doesn't know what it means to be together for an hour or two and just have fun, you're too busy.  If mom and dad never have time for themselves, you're too busy!

Third, make some choices that will model the lifestyle you believe your kids should lead when they are parents.

Too many activities are not just a monster of sorts. They will mess with who you are and who you become. And that's not worth the risk. Stay away from the water hazard.

Five Things I Would Do Before My Kids Started School

School is just weeks or even days away now, isn't it? Yep, most parents are saying, "Where did summer go? How can school be here already?" And many of them add, "And I'm SO ready!"

Whatever your emotional response is this fall, let me suggest five practical things I would be sure to do this year before the kids head off to that first day of class. They aren't rocket surgery as I like to say, but they just might make a big difference this year:

1. Pray. Yep, just pray for your kids. Thank God for them, confess that you probably can do better as a parent at times, then pray specifically. Pray for their teacher(s), their friends. Pray for their school, safety every day and for them to be able to be themselves whether it's in the classroom on the field, in the practice room or just having a good time. Pray that they will make a difference in someone else's life and not be impacted by the often cruel and mean comments of others.

There is lots to pray for. You know best what your child needs so pray to God for it.

2. Commit to less hovering this year. Yes, you know who you are, the parent who has to know everything their child does every moment, who fights all their battles for them and thinks that one taste of unhealthy food will kill them. You're the parent who practically does your child's homework lest they not get an A and who won't let them sit and waste one moment not being productive.

Of course, I'm not suggesting that we ignore out kids and give them free rein on everything. But sometimes we just need to let our kids be kids and quit demanding some sort of perfection out of them or fearing that their weaknesses will somehow reflect on us.

3.  Picture yourself spending more quality, meaningful time with your kids apart from their activities and commitments. Think of some ways now that you're going to program in time with your kids - time for a lunch together, a family getaway, some personal time each week, whatever.  Think about the ages of your kids. How many times will you get to do this age over?  The answer is easy. Zero. No mulligans.

What is it this year that you don't want to let the tyranny of the urgent cause you to miss? I remember that when he was 13 I started climbing mountains with our son Tim. Sure we could have waited until later and maybe started earlier but I knew that thirteen was going to be a prime age for us to begin.  I'm so glad we didn't miss that year and the years of climbing that followed.

4.  Figure out how to slow yourself down. Part of the reason we miss special moments (and I'm not talking here about being at every game or practice - that's nuts) is because WE are too busy. We have no margin for more. So what will you give up or put aside for a time that will free you to enjoy your kids more and really spend the quality, special time I talked about in #3? Answer that question NOW.

5.  Finally, I would have a heart to heart talk with your kids about the first four things. Let them know that while the activities and opportunities they have are still important, your time with them is more important. Tell them that you want to model what you hope they will do with their kids someday and be more than a spectator or helicopter parent.

Explain that you are going to make some memories this year that they will never forget, not necessarily because they are so big or special, but because you will be together.

Lovingly let them know that your being their parent isn't just a spectator sport. It takes work and you're going to be working at it as much as anyone. 

Happy and Faithful Are Boring, But The Best

I read an article that interviewed an actor whose character was just written out of the show during the season's latest episode. And as part of one of his answers to why they couldn't always make his character happy he responded essentially saying that "happy doesn't make for good drama."

And he's right. Happy is way more boring for television or a good movie than action, struggle, manipulation and revenge. An intruiging story will most often have a protagonist, antagonist, numerous plot high points and low points and a host of surprises. That's why many Christian movies aren't very good - they don't tell interesting stories because they try to make everything always work out fine. But in reality it does not.

Newspapers, sitcoms and the latest films rarely focus on people who stay the course, are naturally happy and stay faithful to their spouse, other family and friends. They're boring. Who wants to hear about that?

Who wants to know more about the person who simply loves God for decade after decade but never makes a headline for some horrible mistake or a huge endeavor? Who wants to hear about the single mom who year after year works hard outside her home, then comes home to work until the kids are in bed only to do it again the next day and the next?

Who wants to read about the dad or mom who worked steady, average jobs all their lives so their son and daughter could both go to the college they never went to?  Not many. But I do because that was my mom and dad.

You see happy and faithful don't necessarily make great drama but they produce rich marriages and family. And when I talk about happy I don't mean some syrupy, never-real, never-honest kind of relating. No, I mean that people have something deep within them that truly satisfies and fulfills, not just getting more, succeeding more or partying more.

And faithfulness to God and to each other doesn't necessarily mean some sort of drab, no fun kind of existence. It's commitment that lasts and love that overcomes even the toughest challenges. There are lots of things that are boring which have to be done over and over for a long time that have worthwhile results. Scales on the piano, thousands of golf swings, a language practiced and math tables memorized.

What are the members of your family learning and committed to do that may be a little boring now but that last for a lifetime?  Make sure your home includes some of those and that you remind each other that being boring isn't always so bad.

Avoid the Immaculate Deception This Christmas

Before Thanksgiving Alice was already planning for Christmas. Yes, she put her usual passion into the food planning, preparation and family inviting for turkey day but she also made time to start her Christmas checklist and knock a few of those tasks off as well.

And now that the first round of food and football are over she is going full steam ahead to make Christmas as wonderful as it always is. There are gifts to buy of course, but the house decorating has always been an obsession with her so the attic and garage have been cleared of their Christmas decorations and she is on her way to turning her house into a fantasy land.

Granted her oldest will be home soon from college and her parents are getting up in years. She hopes to spend some quality time with all of them and even invite a few close friends over but all that will need to wait until she has things just right.

Alice is encouraged, however, because she did get up early on Black Friday and buy some of the gifts she knows her family will treasure and she saved some money this year in the process. And she knows that with a few late nights (OK, maybe a lot of them) she will also get her Christmas cards signed and sent out. This year's cards, more like booklets, are the best and most creative ever with lots of pictures and updates on the kids successes and family milestones.

Is Alice a version of  you at holiday time? She certainly represents a lot of people who are caught in what I call the Immaculate Deception. It's the false belief that certain expectations must be met every year at the holidays. And as a result many individuals and families miss out on the most important opportunities of a time like Christmas.

Some common misguided demands?  That everything be perfect. The house, the cards, the meals, the outfits, the church service, the time spent with family - they must all be refined to a standard that in reality can never be reached. As a result family members (often mom) never sit down, can't relax and miss out on the many spontaneous and casual conversations, interactions and special moments that they will never quite have again.

Second, that everyone be happy. Yes, holidays are a time when we should be happy and joyful but there is no way to please everyone . . . and yet we often try. We have to get Uncle Ralph the perfect gift and send Grandma Mary a card on time. Our kids need to get every gift they asked for and be allowed and even transported to attend every gathering required of them. Even Jesus didn't go to everything or give everyone what they wanted so why should we?

Third, we do more than in the past. If last year's Christmas card was really creative, then this year's must be more so. If we bought such and such last year for a present we should do better this year. We at least think that everything we've done before should be equaled if not improved. Says who?

The sad part about buying into the deceptions that often surround our holidays is that we miss out on what really matters. Let me suggest a few things:

Jesus. Yes, Jesus as the saying goes IS the reason for the season. I get it when non-Christ-followers don't focus on Jesus much but I don't get it when Christians pretty much avoid Him other than going to a Christmas Eve service. Try making Jesus the focus of your holiday and see what changes. Re-teach the real story of Christmas and tell about some of the things you are most thankful for from God.

Close family time. Notice the word close. Sure families are generally together during at least some of the Christmas vacation but are they close?  Do they really talk? Do they slow down and just enjoy each other, perhaps even get to know each other better?  When we're running, running, running there will be little time for each other.

Spontaneous get togethers with friends, neighbors, relatives or associates.  What would our holidays be like if we took time to just grab a friend and go have coffee (egg nog latte)? What if we did something really unique with our family or in the neighborhood, something WAY out of the box that we would never forget instead of the usual? What if we just enjoyed the tree that we put up, played some games, listened to music or watch a favorite Christmas special without having to fit it in between events or responsibilities?

You know there is still time to make this year's Christmas different. But you'll have to make some decisions NOT to do a few things pretty soon. Nevertheless try it. Remember all that other stuff may just be taking you away from the best Christmas ever and from the Jesus who started it all in the first place.

Is Fear of Missing Out Driving You?

I was just checking my smart phone again and found three new emails with ideas that could streamline my productivity.  I need to try them. I recently got a new computer and the directions tell me about twenty new little shortcuts and timesavers that came with this new electronic beauty.  I need to memorize them.

I saw an ad for several new television programs that look really interesting and would probably expand my knowledge about people, life and the world around me. I should watch them.

I have a stack of good books waiting to be read or finished (I read thirty a year or more as is) and I have an exercise workout, Russian lessons and distant family also inviting me to give them my time.  I need to figure out how to add these back into my life.

Can you relate?  Do you, like me, hate to say "no" to any of these options because, "I don't want to miss out on something great."  Or "I want my kids to have the best so we'll do it all no matter what it takes."  Or, "That's a good thing, an important thing, I must figure out how to do that too!"

I've got news for you . . . and me.  We'll never do it all. Or as one wise pastor said, "We'll never accomplish all of our potential."  Don't even try.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you that the plate of options for learning, productivity, entertainment, knowledge, growth and experience continues to increase geometrically every day.  We can't have or know it all.  But we are tempted to try, aren't we?  We feel guilty when we hit delete or throw a book away or erase a program from our television list.

We fear that our child will miss out on something vital for life if they don't take that class, play that semester or sports or get that lesson.

So what are we to do?

First, accept the fact that you can't do it all.  Period. Live with that truth.  It's OK.  Our worth is not based on how productive we are or how much we know.

Second, start conscientiously saying "no."  Don't order that new book, keep your kids out of a sport, turn the television off, skip that latest article you saw on Facebook. Be a chooser, not a responder. Learn to do only the best things or the most important things or the things that will add to your feeling alive or doing something God has called you to do.

Third, learn to rest or fast. Take a total break for a while from some of those things that have the greatest seductive pull on you. Get off of the internet or Facebook, don't watch television for a week or take a major break from some activity or even ministry for a season. Quit your hobby for a while. Remind yourself that you can live without some things and not die or shrivel up.

Fourth, embrace slowing down and resting. It's good for the body, soul and spirit.

You may miss out on some activities that could have enriched you but you will more likely not miss out on the ones that make you truly feel alive.

When Does A Parent Let A Child Quit?

Our son was in the 7th grade and wanted to quit band. He played the trumpet and from what we could tell was pretty good and had some potential. However, we also didn't want to be the pushy parents who made a child do something they both hated and would ultimately resent.

Been there? Sure, most parents come to these crossroads with sports, piano playing, art lessons or some other potentially enriching activity for a child wondering just when to pull the plug on their involvement when they object.

I remember wanting to quit my lessons as a kid when they became too hard and my parents simply said, "Right, over our dead bodies.  We've spent too much for you to quit now."  As tough as that sounds I'm glad they didn't allow me to stop since I've used and enjoyed my musical background most of my life in some way.

So what does a parent do in those situations?

First, it always helps to consider a planned, strategic trial period. That means that you and your child agree that you're going to try if for another marking period, few months, summer, etc.  However, during that time you have to be assured that you get their best or the deal is off and they will just have to stay at it.

Second, you might also try some options. With our son, he had done a significant trial period in band so we gave him a choice.  He could either stay in band or would have to take private lessons for the next semester.  Then we would evaluate whether he would continue either of those or just stop.  The lessons option, however, required that he still give playing the trumpet a significant shot before we just dumped it.

Third, be sure to listen to your kids about their feelings.  No, most young kids don't have the maturity to decide on their own whether an activity or training should be stopped or not but their feelings are real.  We're glad we listened to Tim because there were some genuine concerns he had that we needed to know about and we were able over the next year to help him navigate a good course rather than a destructive one.

Too many parents are pushing their kids to do what the parents want and end up injuring their child physically, emotionally or intellectually because they didn't listen to the child at all.

So, as you come to those watershed moments, don't just cave in or push insensitively.  Be the parent but be sure that you walk alongside your child and make good decisions together.  Because like us the results can be good. We got to watch Tim playing first trumpet in the Rose Parade. That ain't bad.

The Danger In Doing Too Much For Our Kids

There are few parents out there who don't want to give their kids the best of everything - education, opportunities and experiences. Many of us who didn't have that much growing up certainly want our children to have more than we did. And there is nothing wrong with that perspective and goal.

However, as I look around at a lot of society today, I see many parents who perhaps are offering their children too much and as a consequence can cause harm rather than help. Summer is a great example. Once school is over kids are off to one week of camp, two weeks of sports tournaments, another week of lessons, a summer seminar, etc., etc.

During the year these same families run from event to practice to lesson to church activity with mom and dad serving mainly as the chauffeurs and bankers for all these commitments. What's the potential downside? There are several.

First, our kids can begin to think they are the center of our universe. They start to feel entitled to more airplane tickets, equipment, clothing and shuttle service to get them to all of these events and activities. Life becomes more about what they do and need and little about serving or helping others. Mom and dad become these necessary providers of transportation and money so that they can succeed.

Second, our other relationships, especially our marriage, can suffer in the process. I talk with parents all the time whose marriage is starving while they keep feeding energy and resources into their children's lives. Many parents have no time or finances for each other because their entire resource account is spent on the kids.

Third, much of our spending will be spent on things that really don't matter as much as we think they will. How many of our kids will be great athletes and actresses and musicians and brilliant scientists? Why not help our children focus on one or two things each year that will still help them develop a talent, build character and learn to work hard? Do they need to do it all? Can we afford to let them do it all?

What are we to do?  Well, if you have the courage (and it will require courage), start to downsize your family's commitments.  Do less that is organized and more that is spontaneous. Take a real vacation not just one around a child's activities. Focus your kids on one or two key areas of involvement and stop the rest. Spend more time together at home and less in the stands or on the field. Serve others more together in your church, community or city.

We all only have a limited amount of time with our kids. Use it wisely. It will be gone too soon.

Great Communication: The Importance of Timing

Farmers think about it. So do climbers. Even surgeons know it's important. You can't plant corn in the fall in the Midwest. You don't head for the summit in the late afternoon in the Rockies. And doctors make sure their patients are physically stable before they allow them to be operated on.

In other words they all know the importance of timing. Families need to also understand that timing can make all the difference in the success and effectiveness of their communication with each other. While yes there are times when the urgency of the moment requires immediate action most of the time that's not the case.

So when husbands and wives need to tackle tough questions they would be better to agree to a more acceptable and workable time to solve their problems. And yet many couples dump their biggest concerns on the other person at the most inappropriate times. One of them has just come in the door from a business trip, another has been home all day with demanding kids or they are on their way to church with the kids in the back seat.

None of those times will likely work to handle a major (or even minor) crisis. Parents can exhibit the same time mismanagement in dealing with discipline issues.

So how can we do better at timing at our house?

First, know your spouse or kids better and maximize their best times to talk and respond. Yes, we can use timing to simply not deal with painful realities but that's not what I'm talking about here. Sometimes you need to simply figure out a better time to dig deeper and agree that the tension of the moment can wait.

Second, curb your penchant to always have answers right now. Most problems didn't happen in an hour so they probably don't need to be resolved in an hour either.

Third, remember how helpful it is when others talk to you in your best moments, not your worst. I know that after a long day of meetings and counseling I'm often not ready to talk seriously the moment I come home. I need to think about my wife's similar needs and give her the same courtesy.

While timing isn't the only thing that makes for deep communication, it sure is a main thing. Think about timing a bit more the next time you have serious issues to talk about at home. I'm pretty sure it will make a significant difference.

Five Ways To Find Balance In Your Home

If you've ever written a comment on someone's blog you know that sometimes you get a message like, "This comment awaiting moderation." That means that someone needs to review  your comments, make sure they're not out of line, laced with profanity or too long.  You have to be reviewed by a moderator.  Good idea unless you don't care what shows up on your public blog.

However, I wonder if that phrase shouldn't be written in bold letters somewhere for our families to see every day.  "Awaiting moderation."  How many of our homes are places where we're just doing too much of so many things? I've spoken before about our pace being too quick but that's only part of the problem. Even if we're moving fairly slowly we still may be doing way too much.

What are some of the areas in our homes where we may have gone overboard and need moderation?  How about:  activities, kids' responsibilities, house maintenance projects, weekly chores, meetings outside the home, hobbies, educational demands, school service commitments, church obligations. The list could go on and on, right?  You can add your own that I didn't mention.

Here are a couple of questions to ask yourself that might help you identify the items needing moderation at your house. Do I dread this commitment every time it comes around? Do I fudge on my preparation and planning for it because I simply do not have time?  Do I see joy in others in my home when we're involved in it or could they just take it or leave it?

Are several of these activities just more of the same?  Would I just rather be doing something else?

In addition, talk about what things are we missing out on, skimming on, barely doing but need to be doing because other things are crowding them out?  My hunch is that most parents had certain desires and goals for their families that have gotten lost because we're simply doing too much of things that don't really matter that much.

So start somewhere. Where can you trim?  Where must you cut back?  Then add one thing in that you'd rather be doing or need to do as a family that you'll all be glad you did later. And don't forget to include just some quiet time, time that doesn't have to be so productive and results oriented.

Do more playing, praying and staying. You'll be glad you did.

Maximizing Your Family Time: Slow Down

There was a popular song when I was much younger that started with the lyrics, "Slow down, you move too fast, got to make the morning last."  Sadly the title of that song included less than profound and meaningful words, "Feelin' Groovy."

However, I wonder if those first lines of that song aren't still a wise admonition for much of our culture today and perhaps for you at your house . . . "Slow down, you move too fast."

If you've traveled to other cultures, particularly in some of the poorer countries,  you know that living life slowly or simply isn't necessarily a detriment. Families who have few resources, a smattering of things to entertain and whose meals may last for hours are often some of the happiest people on earth.  And if they are facing challenges and times of despair, it's usually because of their terrible conditions or a recent catastrophe not because they have so little to keep them occupied.

Living life faster rarely makes us happier. If anything, it only adds more stress, worry and a diluting of our relationships. Yes, we live in a fast-paced society but there are some things we can do to slow the pace for our family.

First, take inventory of how many things you're attending, participating in and committed to. Are they all really worthy it?  Have they become "doable hard" or "destructive hard?"  There's a difference.  Are some of our activities stealing from our time together, rest and well-being?  Ask yourself not only, "How much is this costing us financially?"  But ponder, "How much is this costing us emotionally and personally?"

Second, prioritize and then cut some things.  You'll have to do what you can to be fair and it's likely that your kids will be mad if one of the cuts involves them, but do it anyway. You're the parent and they are not. They'll survive and you might be surprised that in some cases they're actually happy about it while other times they will be relieved.

Third, determine some intentional connecting and just resting that you will use with your time.  Just filling your extra hours with more planned busyness wouldn't make much sense.  However,  part of the goal is to get some meaningful moments together so think of what you might do to connect. Perhaps it's just spending a little more time at the dinner table. Maybe you can do something around the house that you can all contribute to.  But also don't hesitate to just give everyone a breather.

Finally, consider doing something that would serve others. Having a needy couple, single or family over could be a starting place that would still keep you at home. But if it's not too demanding, go together and help out a neighbor, friend or relative. Giving instead of taking is always a great teaching opportunity and takes the attention off yourselves.

Whatever you decide, do what you can to slow life down. The choices each family makes will be unique to their situation, interests and location. But I'm pretty confident that a few significant attempts to reduce your family's miles per hour will likely have you feelin' groovy.

Breaking the Orbit of Marital Distance

How well do you know your spouse's favorites? When's the last time you've talked about your bucket list or at least some dreams you still have for life and marriage? Do you regularly have time to look each other in the eye and talk about what's going on in your heart?

If you're like most couples you do too little of any of these. Why? Because you don't care about favorites, dreams and one another's hearts? Probably not. It's more likely that you're just too busy and in an orbit of life from day to day and week to week that is hard to alter. You go to work, get the kids to school, come home exhausted, perhaps run to a child's activity or a church function, do what you can to get yourselves fed and try to get ready for another day.

Who's got time for anything more? Who can afford another hour to talk with your spouse? And yet the more important question is: can we afford not to meaningfully connect with each other? I would suggest we can't. Not if our marriages are going to stay whole, dynamic and growing. And you probably even feel a need, perhaps a longing for more, but you're not sure how to make it happen.

The key is that we have to do something fundamentally different and inject some new ways of behaving or different energy into our orbit or nothing will change.

So what might that look like? I'm sure you can come up with other creative ideas but let me suggest a few starting points.

First, decide what you can give up. Perhaps the kids don't need to do everything they do. (And yes, they won't die if they miss out on one sport or special class.) Maybe one of your hobbies can go or be cut back. Maybe you're doing one too many things at church (yes, a pastor actually said that). Chances are someone else at your church is just waiting to do what you do anyway.

In addition, take inventory of how you spend lots of little segments of time. For example, we can watch a couple of hours of TV here, spend an hour online there and before you know it we've given up a lot of time that could be better spent on relationships.

Second, start putting times to be together on your calendar. Make them the norm, not the exception. It might just be an hour or less each night, part of a day during the week or a special day each month for starters. Make time for your relationship as important as anything else on your schedule - and it is you know! Yes, things will come up and cause you to miss but once it becomes a habit you find yourself anticipating the next time.

Our day together has been Mondays for awhile which also gives us a break from weekends in ministry that are typically pretty full. However, just last week one of my coworkers asked if I could attend a meeting on a Monday night. It was for a good cause and related to a ministry we're going to start this fall. I thought about it but said "no." Once you get a taste of a good thing it helps make it easier to protect.

Finally, start praying with each other on a regular basis. There's something about connecting spiritually that helps bring our souls together. If you're not in the habit of doing this let me give you a starting point. Commit to praying together for just one minute every day for thirty days. Yes, just one minute. Whether it's on your way out the door or before going to sleep it doesn't matter. You'll find that this little moment, tiny oasis in your day will start to bring you closer together in ways you couldn't imagine.

Yes you can get out of the orbit of distance in your marriage. Fire some rockets to get you moving even if the movement seems slow and inconsequential. It's time to come down to earth and get closer!

Cramming Too Much Into Life?

Have you seen these people when you travel? They are determined to get the case that they should have checked into that little spot in the overhead compartment so they shove and shove and then pull the cover down and slam it several times until it finally latches?

I've literally seen where parts of their case were still hanging outside. Ugh!

But sadly, I also encounter a lot of struggling families where a parent or parents are in the same way trying to stuff a little bit more into the compartments of their lives. They rarely say 'no', they never stop and evaluate the worth of adding one more thing and they certainly haven't paused to think about what is really most important in their worlds.

Ugh!

And yet we all have similar tendencies at times. How many special moments have been missed because we simply did too much? How many lifechanging, legacy - leaving conversations never happened because we just rushed by the people we love the most? How many picture postcard opportunities were lost because we just didn't have the time?

Let's face it. The culture is never going to change. The options for our kids, for ourselves and for fun will continue to increase by leaps and bounds. If we're going to slow down, we must simply decide to do it. It won't be easy but it will be worth it. Less is always more.

In fact, the greatest example of someone who chose limits for himself even though he didn't need to set them was Jesus. Here was God-in-the-flesh who chose to limit his ministry time to 3 years out of 33. He didn't heal everyone, speak to everyone or even see everyone. He took time out of his day to simply be alone with God and pray.

One time when a friend was dying instead of running there right away he stayed where he was longer! If Jesus could change the world in only three years and not do everything we might consider doing the same. Someone wisely said, "Jesus already died for the world. We don't need to do it again."

So where do we start? First, write down the most important things you feel you need to do or focus on? Then write down how much time you give to actually doing those things. Most people find that they spend way less time on those things than they thought and are simply caught up in the tyranny of the urgent. Start re-working your schedule, a little at a time, so that what you actually do mirrors what you believe are your priorities.

Second, say "no" more. We just can't do everything. And neither can our kids. Slow down. Give yourselves some margin. Leave regular spaces for time to breathe, think, play and refresh. You may not get an hour everyday but how about fifteen minutes for starters. How about taking a half-day every month that you wouldn't normally take and just turn the rest of life off in some way.

Go through your list of current responsibilities and drop a couple of them. Do you really need to do them or are you just trying to please someone? That ministry or group will go on without you, trust me.

Third, make a commitment to not add one more thing without dropping another. I do that with my personal library these days. I have way too many books to carry around or store any more so when I get a new book I get rid of one I already have. Usually it's a book I never look at anyway or one that someone else or a library I know about can use.

In fact, finding more time for life is like licking the beater blades. My wife knows that I just love it when I get to sample the dessert she's making so she'll bring the blades over for me to get my taste. I sit there sometimes for five minutes just scraping a little of the brownie or cookie mix onto my finger and then into my mouth. But when I do that I know that I'm getting a taste for more of the same.

In the same way as you find more time to slow down, reflect and enjoy the most important things, you will likely get a taste for more! So start your time taste testing now and it will be well worth it.

Consider Your Goals When Parenting

I heard some commentary and questions on a radio program this morning about how busy families are these days. There was some excellent discussion about how parents make decisions regarding how many activities their kids are allowed to pursue.

Now granted, every family is different. One home's guidelines won't necessarily be applicable in another home. Our schedules, demands, number of children and priorities are typically unique. However, there are a few good questions to ask yourself about how you spend your time as a family that can radically impact your parenting.

First of all, do you get to eat an evening meal together on a regular basis? Once a week or now and then isn't good enough. Studies clearly show that families who eat together regularly are healthier, more united and build stronger relationships. Rare meals together means that the paths of the members in your family rarely cross and that will be costly someday. Will our children someday say, "You know, I'm sure glad we spent as little time together as did," or "It was really great not knowing my parents or my sister that well?" I don't think so.

Second, what are the ultimate goals you have for your parenting? What is it you want to teach your children? My hunch is that you want your kids to learn from you what it means to have a great marriage, be good parents, and foster healthy relationships in a home. But if their lives merely revolve around a busy schedule of games, classes and practices, where will they learn the life lessons you want to teach them?

I remember watching a TV news magazine show where a little boy, maybe seven or eight, was playing tennis. The program piece was looking at young children who were being groomed by their parents to be great athletes or top-notch musicians. At one point they showed this little guy sobbing as he sat down by the fence with his tennis racket at his side. Just keeping our kids busy doing things they may not truly care about or have potential to do can harm more than help.

Third, when do our kids have time to just be kids? I'm sure I sound archaic here but kids still need to have fun. Every experience doesn't have to be an educational exercise. Laughter, random play and games are part of life and actually a healthy part of our development.

Fourth, are we teaching our kids to serve and give as well as take? We live in a great country where we have lots of wonderful opportunities to grow, learn and experience things. But there's more to life than just getting things for ourselves. One of the best thing we can teach our kids is to give and serve others. What does your family do for those less fortunate? You can serve at your church, school and in the neighborhood. At holidays give some gifts away instead of only get them for each other. In fact, think about taking your Christmas money one year and coming up with a project to care for others.

My hunch is you will get some of the best "gifts" you've ever gotten and learn more than you've learned in a long time. And you'll have a new perspective on how to use your time from here on out.

Time For Two: Part of the Glue of A Great Marriage

A little child was once trying to get the attention of his daddy. So he walked up to his father who was reading the paper and said, "Daddy?" And dad responded without even looking up, "What son?" To which the little guy tried again and said, "Daddy?" To which the father said once again with a little more energy, "What son?"

After several times trying to get through to dad, the little boy climbed up into his dad's lap between him and the newspaper, put his hands on his father's cheeks and said, "Daddy, listen to me with your face!"

Sadly, a lot of couples rarely, if ever, listen to one another with their faces. That's why for most of our marriage, we've taken a day or part of a day that's just for us. Even before we had kids and now after our children are grown and living on their own we still have a day that is ours to be together. It's not that we're not together other times or never talk on other days, but we've learned that those other moments tend to be different than our day off by ourselves.

And when we did have children, we worked hard to keep that time as much as we could. For example, when the kids were little, and even though we didn't have a lot of money, we found someone who we could swap babysitting with us every other Saturday morning. They would take our kids for a few hours one week and we would take theirs the next.

It is doable but we have to make time together a priority. You might say, "Well, what's the big deal about putting aside special time?" First of all, special time gets interrupted less. If you know the time is for you, then you'll guard it better from interruptions, tendencies to do work and getting distracted.

Second, when you make the time special you do more special things. We're big on the outdoors so here in Texas we spend a lot of Mondays hiking in the hill country and trying out new parks or trails that we haven't seen. We go back to some we've especially enjoyed, too. When the weather is too hot (or too cold where you live) you can find indoor things that are enjoyable like movies, museums, aquariums or whatever.

Now granted we also use some of that time just to do errands if need be. We are more likely to do some of our projects together just because we both got involved in the planning stage. Sometimes we take a day off at home, too, and just rent a movie, read books, swim in the pool or take a nap. Whatever the case, we know that time will be more special and we'll be more intentional about making time to talk, think ahead and just get to know each other better.

Some of you might be thinking, "Well, we just can't afford to do that right now with our kids' schedules, our job demands and other commitments." Let me say it this way - you can't afford NOT to find the time. Your marriage needs the glue of time together, of meaningful conversation and developing continuing intimacy of body, soul and spirit. If you've been finding together time, keep on! If it's been slipping away, start small, but start again.

Once you start my hunch is that you'll likely wonder how you lived without it.