Seven Simple Habits Every Parent Should Teach and Model

We all can think of the great sayings of all time, some from the Bible, others wise proverbs and many the timely thoughts of great leaders and individuals. Most of these principles suggest practical actions and regular behaviors that will make life better, more joyful and certainly fulfilling.

But there are some that aren't quite as well known and yet I'm convinced every child should be taught to do, repeat and embrace as they grow into adulthood. They're not complicated, scholarly or widely studied in the literature. But perhaps being reminded of the things on this list will help you as a parent work a little harder at making them more normative in your home.

  1.  Always make your bed. I know, young kids don't often think about this one and we may feel there are other more important things, but a made bed tends to cause other things that day to be more orderly.

  2. Always tidy up your desk before you leave work or a project. This has the same effect as #1 and gets a person more ready and organized for the next day.

  3. Say "I love you" often to the people you truly love. These moments can be gone before we know it and we all need the reminder that someone does care.

  4. Always do your share. No one at your home should be expected to do all the work for results that bless the group. Teach kids early on to help pick up, do dishes and assist with other chores. You're a team, a family.

  5. Learn to say you're sorry. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes. But walking away from something we did that was rude, unkind or unfair should be unacceptable. It's okay to be wrong, but it's not okay to forego righting a wrong.

  6. Don't always wait until the last minute. Projects, chores and other tasks can be planned and thought about ahead of time. If not, they tend to suffer in quality and we take on more pressure than needed.

  7. Give as much away as possible. Keeping stuff rarely satisfies. Giving to others almost always bring you joy and is way more fun in the long run.

Pick one or two of these to start working on or taking to the next level. They may seem like little things now, but the dividends down the road can be huge!  Happy parenting.

Why Your Marriage May Be Getting Stale Without You Knowing It

Have you ever headed to the refrigerator anticipating a cold drink of milk or juice, a crisp piece of fruit or a crunchy vegetable. Or maybe your more decadent taste buds were already salivating as you thought about that one piece of pie or other dessert still there.

But when you went to take that first drink or bite, you knew in an instant your choice was no good anymore. The delicious flavor had lost out to time. Nothing would save it and you threw it all away.

Things get stale, deteriorate if left alone, even in an environment designed to keep them fresh a little longer like a refrigerator. And so do marriages. Without attention, care and intentional feeding our relationship, though perhaps in a relatively healthy environment can become pungent and lose its flavor if we don't make caring for it a priority.

We get busy, focused on our kids or parents, run ragged at our job, overwhelmed by too many commitments and don't notice the deteriorating relationship with our spouse.

And if we don't stop and re-evaluate, shore up our time, intimacy and connecting as a couple, the results may approach being irreversible like that piece of fruit that has lost all its flavor and shape.

So what do we do to keep a marriage fresh?

Of course, there are hundreds of ideas that can help, some working for one couple, different ones being effective for others.

But let me repeat a few general guidelines:

Take inventory. Get away or take an evening or two now and then and admit how you're doing or not doing. Be honest. Ask each other, How do you think I've been doing as a spouse the last few months? Be lovingly ruthless and admit it if you've gotten distracted. Talk about what the two of you might work on to put some focus back on yourselves.

Add margin. You will never enrich your relationship if you don't make time for it. I can't tell you specifically what to do but I can pretty much guarantee that you'll need to cut something  -  attending so many kids' activities, not volunteering as much, letting go of some overtime, you decide. But it will be worth it. Is anything worth losing the most important relationship, apart from God, that you'll have in this life?

Do some planning together. Think about some things that you both would enjoy doing that you're not going to wait to do until after you retire. You can't do them all, but how about some of them?  A trip, weekend away, take a class, do a missions trip, a cruise, etc.

Marriages left alone don't stay healthy and vibrant. And we can't blame when they do on nature alone. It's our choice to keep our relationship strong, exciting and always growing. Check your marriage refrigerator often.  That can save you a lot of surprises and disappointments.

Three Things Every Child Needs To Learn About Leadership

Most of us parents have these dreams that someday our kids (at least one of them) will be in front of a team of people, maybe even thousands, motivating them to do great things, change their lives and perhaps lead others as well.

Of course the reality is that not all of our kids for a host of reasons will aspire to or have the talent to be in that dynamic a situation. They aren't all born with the skills, personalities and temperament to be great influencers of people.

But there are some things that every child needs to learn, especially at home, about leadership whether they ever become a leader or not.

First, they need to learn that everybody leads. No, not everyone is gifted as a leader, but everyone will lead even if it's only by default. As John Maxwell and other leadership experts suggest, leadership is influence, and we all will influence others in some way for good or bad.

Perhaps a corollary to this idea is that our actions towards others matter. We may only influence a sibling, a friend or two or a neighbor, but we're still leading. In other words let's teach our kids that their actions have consequences and often that will mean impacting someone else.

Second, teach them that not everyone is designed to be an overt, formal leader. Leaders need good followers. In fact following well is also a taught and nurtured skill. We parents can make a huge difference in how children actually learn to follow, us as their parents and the other leaders in the world.

And yet many parents are absent when training to follow is possible. They expect others to set up the rules and keep their kids on task, leaving the guidelines and boundaries open ended much of the time at home.

Third, we need to model for our children that leaders are to be respected even if we disagree with them. Yes, children will need to deal differently with peers who exhibit leadership skills early on and may want to use those skills to dominate or control them inappropriately. We'll probably have to help them navigate those waters and learn how to respond.

But, too many kids never learn how to talk respectfully and graciously to adults at school, their job in the future or church. They hear their friends talking down about leaders so they can be swayed to do the same.

Leadership training is not something to be put off until our kids are adults. Leadership is modeled and nurtured as well in our homes and we dare not skip our responsibilities in that. The dividends are significant.

Marriage: The Important Three Circles of Connecting

If you were to ask most married couples how and when they spend time with each other (if they do) they would likely tell you about an activity or meeting together that falls into one of three options. Some would say, Well, we connect and communicate as we go through our day - phone calls, texts, little conversations here and there.

Others would say that they plan periodic meals out, parts of a day together, an evening alone at home here and there. Unfortunately most couples these days admit that these times are just that - periodic - and they wish they did them more often but they just don't make or have the time.

Or a few, and this number is usually less than the other two choices, say that once or twice a year they actually get away from home, go on a couples' trip, tack on some days after a conference or business trip or celebrate a special anniversary, birthday, etc. with just the two of them.

What I'd like to suggest is that healthy marriages intentionally include all three.  Why do we need the Trifecta of Connection?  Because they each  accomplish something unique and just doing one or two of the others will still omit some key ingredients in marriage that are important to the solid marriage recipe.

For example, the getaways are times when you can finally let go of some of the pressures of everyday life, think more long-term and actually do some serious brainstorming, planning and yes, praying. Companies make time for this and so do many growing churches. Why not couples and families? Longer periods of time also help us relax and enjoy each other in ways that we just don't when we're time strapped.

But those meals, afternoons, days together, etc. are also important. They're the fertile soil for you to talk about current feelings, challenges, dreams and potential changes. These times let the other person know that they're not just a passing ship in the night or merely one of the supervisory team at home. These moments continue to cement the idea in each other that you really do still matter even when life gets crazy.  Leaving these regular events out will cause serious questions to arise in each other about how important you are in the big picture.

And of course, the daily, quick connections are important and usually not a problem for most couples. But they take on a little less challenge and urgency when you and your spouse are connecting in the two other ways as well.

I encourage couples to think of three circles of connecting.and to include all three as priorities.

                                       Big Events/Getaways      Regular         Every Day


Of course the every day circle should include the most connections. The regular events need to be well . . .   regular, ideally at times that you guard carefully.  And finally, the big events will only happen on a very limited basis. But they complement each other and will all add communicating and connecting to your marriage that will be life giving to your relationship for years to come! What area do you need to shore up next?

Fear: Not Usually Helpful At Home

I have a number of things I'm basically afraid of.  I'll bet you do, too. Snakes are high on my list. Most of us wonder if terrorism will end up in our town or city's backyard. It's natural to be pretty nervous. While I'm confident in my faith in God and that I'll see Heaven someday, I'm still a bit fearful of what dying is like, at least the unknown parts right now.

And healthy fears of getting hit by a car or struck by lightning can help us taken necessary and wise precautions to avoid the worst. All fear isn't bad.

However, some fear in a home can be debilitating, destructive and emotionally painful.As parents we would be wise to think about those kinds of fears and try to avoid them. Let me suggest a few.

The fear of failure. While our kids may not care much at first, many parents hate to see their child make a mistake, not get on the team or give up on a project or endeavor. To those parents their child's lack of succcess means they as parents aren't a success either. So they push harder or at best have trouble hiding their disappointment in their child. And trust me they notice and probably will become fearful themselves of not measuring up.

The fear of what others think.  This can be exasperated when failure looms, but it can also result when we constantly compare ourselves with others.  We don't have as much house, money, fame, social connections or power. So we're not OK in our minds and soon our kids begin to believe it as well..

The fear of other people. Yes, only a few will be totally non-social. That's unusual. But sometimes we can allow our kids to never learn to connect with adults or new people or anyone not quite like them. Other parents teach kids to think that everyone in their world is out to get or hurt them. What a dangerous allowance in a world where someday social interactions and trying new things in relational contexts will be essential to succeed and relate in the culture.

The fear of having fun. Many kids today are being pushed harder and harder as I alluded to earlier. But a corollary emotion and response can be the sense that to have a good time is never OK. Only working harder is acceptable here. And while most kids deep inside still want to have fun, they find themselves always wondering if mom and dad are listening or know that they are anything but totally serious about succeeding.

There are of course other fears that I don't have time to explore now. But the bigger issue is, Is our home a safe place for kids to grow, be stretched and even fail? If not, why not?  What are you possibly helping by making the accepted landscape in your family one of only hard work, determination and outdoing their best friend?

Yes, we need to model and encourage that we all do our best. And yes, even the Bible suggests that we should love God and others with all our heart. But fear will never be the best motivator. Imagine what your work experience would be like if your boss motivated you only with fear (and some of you no doubt CAN imagine that.)

Be sure that you are wise and reasonable in your expectations.  Have fun. Celebrate victories, of course, but also celebrate trying hard, doing something unique and even failing after doing your best. Keep fear protective, yes, but not preventative of healthy, wise, fun life at your house!

So What If This Year Was REALLY Different At Your House?

We all know that the New Year is a common time for people to make resolutions they rarely keep.  But what if this year were different, not even in BIG ways but just little adjustments here and there that could potentially mean big changes down the road.

None of these suggestions, and they are only suggestions, are that big of a deal by themselves but I have a hunch that if we even did a couple they could end up bearing revolutionary results if we stayed with them. Here we go:

What if we bought less and were thankful for what we have just a little more each day?

What if we stopped one activity that uses lots of time but pays little dividend.

What if we had a weekly tech free night or even one hour each day?

What if we got to know three neighbors who we don't currently know?

What if we saved up some money each month to give away to someone who needs it?

What if we took a vacation that is different from what most other people do?

What if we found a new activity our whole family would enjoy and made it a hobby?

What if we actually took time to look at old pictures and videos?

What if we parents told our kids some of our stories about growing up?

What if every day we took time to share a high and low from our day?

What if we regularly talked about God moments that we experienced?

What if prayed more both individually and together?

OK, so I gave you a few ideas.  I'll bet you can come up with more, ones that your family could also embrace and turn into a truly new year. Try one or two. Let me know what happens. I'll bet you will want to do more. I'll bet you won't want to go back to the old way either.

The Lies We Let Our Kids Believe

If there is one thing that parents hate as much as anything when it comes to disciplining our kids is when they lie to us. We can tolerate juvenile mistakes and actions much of the time but when they outright lie, that angers us more most of the time, right?

But have we ever thought about the lies that we consciously or subconsciously help our kids to believe? Yes, there are un-truths that they are exposed to all the time that if we're not careful they will adopt for themselves and even live according to much of their lives. Those lies probably come from outside of our home much of the time but some even originate with us at times.

Let me suggest a few that we would all be wise to respond to, oppose and teach the truth about in our parenting:

The lie that my (our) stuff will make me happy. Most families spend a lot of time, energy and money getting more and keeping up with their neighbors. And there is nothing wrong with enjoying some of the fruits of our labors. But if we keep giving our kids or filling our homes with the newest of everything, the latest, the best and the coolest we send them a message that all of those things matter more than they do.

The lie that I am entitled to most everything I have, get or am awarded. And yet nothing could be further from the truth. We don't deserve anything other than what we get for working hard, doing our best and receiving because of God's grace.  Our culture is now saturated with an I-deserve-to-get-this mentality that has sapped our government resources and caused parents to often demand of school and community leaders that their kids get special privileges.

The lie that mom and dad should provide and fix everything.  And if we do that where will our kids learn how to fend for themselves, take care of their own needs, save money and problem solve on their own? They won't. They'll bring this needy, whiny, helpless attitude into a marriage or other relationship that will tax both people more than is necessary.

The lie that casual sex and fun, party-filled relationships are free, don't hurt anyone and don't require any responsibility. And yet the social landscape continues to be littered with broken relationships, abuse, divorces and dysfunctional families because no one ever taught our young people how to grow a healthy, vibrant and caring relationship and home.

Finally, the lie that God, Jesus and the spiritual side of life are either mere fantasies and nice stories or at best just one option for people who actually care about such things or need that crutch. I am old enough to have watched for five decades the slow metamorphosis of our culture's views on faith and Christianity. It has certainly been under attack for centuries, even millenia, but never to the degree it is now.

Christians both here and around the world are not merely tolerated anymore. They're being beheaded in other countries and culturally killed everyday here. We must help our kids make our faith their faith. We dare not leave the teaching merely to the church, Christian school or helpful media. Scriptures tells us in Deuteronomy 6 that WE parents must be the foundation of their faith learning.

Ever look at an X-ray and not see the problem that the doctor sees?  I do that all the time. But I finally realized that doctor's can see the defect easily because they've seen the right version so many times. If we teach our kids truth, they'll know the lies more quickly too because we've shown them the right version over and over.

Do You Know Where Your Kids Are? Really?

Yesterday I was driving home for lunch and was headed down a residential street just before reaching our street. And as I looked to my right I could not believe my eyes. I thankfully saw a little toddler who couldn't have been walking long in a diaper headed towards the road.

He was just ready to walk down the slanted concrete into the road so I slowed down looking frantically for an adult to follow or be nearby. There was none.

So I began to brake thinking I needed to swoop up this child and find his mother or father or someone caring for him. Only then did I see a women, I assume to be his young mother, race out of a home across the street and run toward the child shouting, "Oh my God, oh my God!"

Of course a lot of assumptions and wonderings went through my mind but who really knows what happened.  Hopefully it was a terrible mistake or carelessness that will never happen again.

Thankfully a potential tragedy was averted because this woman didn't know where her child was at every moment.

But I sometimes wonder if parents who would never dream of neglecting a child and endangering its life this way still don't know where their kids are.  At least they don't know much about their well being spiritually, socially, emotionally and even physically.

Parents everyday find out that their child is doing or feeling things they never knew about. And most of us are shocked when it happens, aren't we?  We wonder how we didn't have a clue.  In the worst cases it's parents of kids who end up killing someone later who apparently just looked the other way a time or two.

How do we keep track of our kids in real terms?  Well, there's no full-proof method but there are some places we can start.

Talk to them. Sure teens especially can be hard to connect with but always try. No matter what their age, don't badger, talk. Spend time with them beyond driving them places. Build a relationship by doing things together. Make it easier for them by listening, not lecturing.

Observe them. Take note of changes, odd actions or habits that suddenly change. Do not look the other way and always assume that these occurrences are just because of their age. That might be true but don't be naive.

Guard them. Yes, it's still a cruel world and kids can't handle all the pressure on their own. Guard against their doing too much, not getting enough rest and hanging with the wrong crowd.  Don't be a t tyrant or a safety fanatic but you must still be the parent and say "no" when your gut tells you something is not a good idea.

Teach them. Model healthy behavior, time management and faith. Teach them what it means to practically love God and follow Christ. Serve with them and give them opportunities to use their gifts to help others. Show them how to rest, care for others and do things that really matter.

You won't want or need to follow them around but you can still know where they are much of the time.

Missing The Special Moments? Don't!

This past weekend we attended some outstanding fireworks in a wonderful little town near our home in Princeton, IL. The atmosphere was festive, the people were all having a great time, the fried foods were in abundance and the anticipation for several hours prior was electric.

Near us were numerous children running, playing and just having fun. However, one mother nearby was locked into her cell phone for nearly three hours. Her two daughters were being little girls and having a great time but mom never noticed and only engaged with them when they apparently bothered her.

At one point "Elmo" showed up eager to have pictures taken with him and to cause the little ones to squeal with delight. In fact, at our friend's urging he came right up to this family and made a point to interact with the little girls who were of course thrilled.

Mom never noticed or took a picture.

How sad.

I wonder how many special, fun, spontaneous moments we parents miss because we're too preoccupied with our own little world - the phone, the tech, the urgent. Yes, we can go to the other extreme and make our kids the center of our universe, hover over their every move and do everything for them that they desire.

But we all must be careful to not miss those unplanned, carefree moments like the fireworks when there was no agenda, record to be broken or performance to be evaluated. This mom had an opportunity to make a memory, one that those girls will remember, one that the mother could have embraced and engaged. 

But apparently her wall or the news was more important.

This summer, especially when our kids are around a bit more, take time to enjoy the moments, those special times when your kids are just kids. Those times won't be here forever and someday you will cry that they are gone.

Bold Love: Laying Aside The Past Wrongs in Your Marriage

I have several large bookshelves that stand directly behind where I sit when I counsel couples. (I somehow believe it will it impress them but that hasn't ever seemed to work.)  And I often use those shelves as an illustration regarding how we like to keep our own personal bookshelves handy, shelves filled with all the wrongs our spouse did in the past.

And then when we need them we grab one or two or twenty of those "books" and throw them again at our spouse. "I've never trusted you since that day five years ago when . . . " or "Don't you ever forget how much you hurt me when . . . " or "You lied back then and you're obviously lying now. When will it ever stop?"

Now granted the past matters because it has shaped much of what we do today. It matters because we need to learn from it sometimes. It matters if things really haven't changed and today you're simply facing more of the same.

However, healthy couples instead learn to leave those volumes on the shelf and communicate only in the HERE and NOW.  When they are angry or upset they talk about what's currently happening and don't include the past as part of the discussion.  They let go of the past out of love for their spouse and work on today only.  This is a biblical concept.

"Love does not store up the memory of any wrong it has received."  I Corinthians 13

We need to forgive, to let go of the wrongs against us. As I've said before, forgiveness is not about letting someone else off the hook as much as letting yourself off the hook.  But if you and your spouse are ever going to make real progress in dealing with conflict you will have to live by this idea of letting go of the past.

How do you live this out in everyday life?  Start rephrasing your comments when you're angry, hurt or confused.  Say something like, "This morning I was really hurt when you . . . .  "  as opposed to, "Every time I try to bring up (blank) you get defensive and blame me.  It started the day we were married and I don't even know why I try any more."

Don't let the past own you anymore.  Love even admits that often our view of the past is skewed by our emotional reaction to it.  Sometimes it's as bad as remember but often it is not.  Either way, it does us no good now.

Love was never intended to be easy or not require big-time sacrifice. Read the rest of I Corinthians 13 and you'll see what I mean. But the love God describes there is the only kind we should settle for. And if we're going to enjoy it then we need to forgive . . . even when it's hard.

Don't Live LIfe With Tinted Windows

I live in Austin, Texas where the summer high averages in the mid to upper 90's. That means a lot of days can be well over 100. So like a lot of people who live in the south our cars are all air-conditioned, the stores keep the temperatures very cool and most of the car windows are significantly tinted to help maximize the cooling.

However, I've noticed something about tinted windows in automobiles. It makes it hard to see who is in someone's car. I remember not that long ago being able to wave to people I knew in parking lots and neighborhoods. But now the tinted windows keep me from knowing who is in that vehicle. I'm sure some people wonder why I don't wave when I'm only a few feet away.

Unfortunately, it's easy for us to live life as though we have tinted windows on us!  We can act like we really don't want people to see who we are, notice our faults and get into our challenging world. We'd much of the time just rather keep things nice, safe and to ourselves.

However, there are problems with living that way. Let me suggest a few.

First, we miss out on true intimacy and friendship with others. If we never bare our souls then we never enjoy the care, love and compassion another might show us. We keep things bottled up and it only raises our anxiety causing us to miss out on the understanding of another that we deeply long for inside.

Second, people miss out on seeing the real us. Instead they just get a facade. We may try to present ourselves as always together and happy but we know better. And frankly, others close to us really want to the real us, not the pretend one. In fact, all of us love to know that someone is struggling with many of the same things we are.

Third, we miss out on some of the growth that occurs in us when we're honest and open about our faults, limping and struggle. When we hide our stuff we don't give others the chance to help us get better, to see our blind spots and to take our skills and abilities to the next level.  God sees us as we are and He still loves us. Let others do the same.

So while sometimes we do need to protect ourselves in relationships, don't stay isolated. Let some people see into your life. They can help make you better, stronger and healthier. And when you do open yourself up you will probably help others. They probably need you too!

Can There Be Too Much Info In Our Marriage Talks?

My four-year-old grandson was finishing up his meal recently when he asked me if we could go play again. I suggested that he needed to eat up his food and then we could play. To which he promptly replied, "Well, we could multitask!"

Yes, us men are known for our penchant for doing several things at once: watching TV, reading the paper trying to talk to our spouse or whatever. However, a recent study suggests that women are actually better than men at multitasking. I don't know the parameters or other details of the study but that's really not that surprising a result when you look at other research.

John Gottman has suggested that in conversation with their wife, most men can easily become flooded if they receive too much emotional information to respond to at one time. He suggests that there is a physiological limit to a man's ability to process and when he reaches that limit he tends to shut down rather than engage in more dialogue.

And I would guess that most wives can identify certain times when this has happened.

Some women might wonder if men then will suggest they now have an excuse for not listening more or stonewalling. Well, guys, that won't work. Just giving up or getting quiet isn't the answer.

Instead, wives should first be sensitive to how much they try to drop on their husband about their feelings, circumstances, goals or whatever before giving their husband some time to respond. And then both husbands and wives would be wise to talk about what to do when a man feels this flooding of information. They should have a a strategy that works for them. Guys, at times you need to be willing to graciously say to your spouse that you need a few minutes to process or respond before moving on to another aspect of that topic or a different one altogether.

I know of some couples who take a 20-30 minute break and then come back and talk more. Others might just stop more quickly and talk about the one main item first before moving on to something else or adding more detail. Others may feel a need to write some things down as they talk so the man especially has a good overview of what's been talked about so far.

Whatever you do, don't miss out on this simple idea that may help ratchet up your communication skills. Keep your conversations from flooding each other. Don't overdo it or over-expect. Floods are usually dangerous.

Your Presence Makes More Difference Than Your Presents

I was  recently playing Hide 'n Seek with my two-year-old grandson Liam.  I would of course go hide and the idea was for him to try and find me. However, before long he would just say, "Where are you?"  In other words he didn't want to look for me anymore and that's certainly understandable for a little guy his age.

Sadly, many children are asking the same question about one or more of their parents.  "Where are you?" And I'm confident that a lot of those parents would say, "I'm there for my kids all the time."  Or, "Hey, I give my kids quality time when I am there."

But let's think about how many parents spend time with their kids these days: driving them places, sitting in the stands watching their practice, games or other performances. We take vacations allowing their hands on their phone or video game the whole time, we even go to dinner and all watch the TV screens in the restaurant or check out our own emails much of the time.

We fill every day and every moment of our schedules and many of us wouldn't have time to do something spontaneous with our children even if we wanted to.

But are we ever just having fun together, enjoying meaningful conversations, serving others or playing?  Are we really present even when we're present?  A lot of parents are not.  And our kids have a reason to ask, Where are you?  Don't buy into the lie that says if you're around your kids you're engaged with them.

Children need us to be more than babysitters, taxi drivers and meal providers. They need us to talk to them, be with them and teach them by modeling while we're at their side. They need to do more than play on someone's team. They need play time with us! And we must start early and keep doing it until the day they leave the house for good. Sure, our methods will change but our commitment must not.

Yes, middle and high schoolers will likely try to push us away but we need to stay connected. Don't embarrass them but don't neglect. I remember that our daughter in her teen years would come in to our room and talk. Often it was late but we made the time knowing we wouldn't have it for long. We took vacations and accomplished some milestones together that they will never forget.

Take a look at your lifestyle and schedule. What opportunities to be present with your kids are you missing or could you use better?  Maximize them now. They'll be gone before you know it.

Someday Our Words and Actions Will Be Our Last Ones

Recently we saw some of the worst loss of life by tornadoes in the history of our country. These wild and devastating storms rolled through the Midwest and killed dozens of innocent people and leveled complete towns. One little toddler was found miles from her home but her immediate family had all died.

Not one of those people who lost their lives woke up that morning believing that day was their last. And neither should we. But we can do more of what the country song suggests and "Live like we're dying." I think that means making the most of every day and filling it with words and actions that we would include if it were our last day.

Some suggestions? Say words of life. I've spoken on this in other posts but it's a pretty simple concept. Communicate with words that go deeply into the soul of those you love, that speak to their personhood, who they are. Have you told people that mean the most to you that you love them, you're proud of them and that you are thankful for what they've done for you?

Second, do some of the important things you've always wanted to do. We had a pastor friend who was going to retire soon at age sixty-five and he and his sweet wife had all sorts of travel plans. The only problem was that he got a quick-spreading cancer and died within months. Don't wait if possible to do some of the special things on your bucket list.

Third, slow down and enjoy more daily moments. Stop and look at the stars, talk longer to your spouse or kids, sit and drink your cup of coffee for a few more minutes and be thankful. Play more, do less and spend time with people. Relationships are the most valuable human asset we have.

So I hope today is not your last day and that you and I have thousands more. But if you'll add a little more life to every day you live, you'll likely not get caught having missed opportunities to say and do what you'd always hoped to do with those you love.

When Those You Love Push Your Buttons

We all have them. Those little invisible spots that our spouse or kids hit with a word, look, action or remark that sets us off, right? They get pushed when we're in some of our best and worst moments. It happens in private and in public. And sometimes we can't help but respond with mega-emotion: anger, tears, panic despair.

And we know the buttons that others have as well. And we can push theirs especially when we feel threatened.

I rather doubt that button-pushing in families, friendships and acquaintances will ever stop but I do have a couple of  strategies and concepts that may lower the feelings-meter a bit.

Unhook the buttons that are tied to your worth. For example, when your spouse says something and your first response is that he or she "thinks I'm a loser," or is "making me look stupid right now."  Really?  Maybe they are making you look a little weak, maybe not. In most cases they probably aren't but we think what they just said is going to ruin us as a person. So what do we do?

Well, we explode or argue or demean or just leave. But we rarely have a helpful or meaningful conversation or response right then.

Or a child does something - again - that we've asked them a hundred times to do or not do.  And immediately instead of responding in a firm, loving and healthy way to deal with it, we feel like a terrible parent or that our parenting is at least threatened. I've talked about this in other posts but in a nutshell our worth is not dependent upon how others see us. It's that simple. God loves us, thinks we matter and have purpose, is our Father and forgives no matter what. That's where our worth lies.

Second, learn to respond differently as a result. If that button doesn't mean what it used to, if you no longer will allow that button to infuriate or paralyze you, you will respond in a new way. But it will take practice.  You will learn, however, that it's OK to say, "You know, we're going to have to disagree on that but that's alright."  Or, "I'm sorry we don't see things the same way, but I still need to do what I've chosen."

With a child you might say, "I know this isn't your first choice, but there are only two choices I'm giving you. Which of those are you going to do right now?"  With your spouse or a friend you can hopefully learn to say, "I didn't realize I hurt you but tell me more about how you felt and what I can do differently."  That doesn't mean you are taking all the blame.  You're just admitting you might be wrong and that you don't have to win the war no matter what.

The buttons that set us off are only powerful if we keep them connected to the hurts of our past and the wrong thinking that has invaded our minds over the years. Like that button on the elevator that you eventually discover doesn't work, you can make the buttons in your life inoperable too with some new thinking and bit of practice.

Emotions Are Not Overrated, Even for Men

I was in a grocery store the other day and saw a sign I'd never seen before. It was for mock tender steak. I asked my wife about it and she'd never heard of it either. Maybe someone in the know can fill me in sometime.

However, I thought about the possibilities. Is the steak really NOT tender but you think it is?  Is it so full of tenderizer that the juices run out of it while you eat it?  Who knows?

Nonetheless, a lot of people, especially men, are like mock tender steak. They fake it a lot when it comes to emotions. Many of them simply don't want to appear weak, so they suck it up and appear strong to most everyone as much as they can. Others don't really care that much but they pretend to be really caring. Unfortunately they're not very helpful because they're more worried about how they appear or they just don't stay around long enough to be of much help.

Tenderness or emotions aren't very helpful when they are pretend. But if we're really going to connect with others and have meaningful relationships with our spouses and children, we need to learn that genuine emotions are part of the important glue that helps keep families together and strong.

Emotions must be acknowledged, processed and shared freely. Family members only learn to deal with their own emotions when they see others being open and honest about their feelings. Kids who rarely see mom or dad express healthy emotions will likely never learn to be emotionally healthy either.

So if emotions matter, let's think about some important guidelines for expressing them.

First of all, share positive emotions often. Do you tell your kids you love them? Do your kids see you express verbal love to your spouse? Tell your family when you're proud of them or that if you had it to do all over again you would pick them.

Second, speak negative emotions appropriately. For example, when you're upset with someone, only talk about what's going on in the here and now. We have a tendency to expand things beyond the current event into a bigger setting. We say things like, "I'm so angry that you didn't clean your room like I asked. I can never count on you, can I?"  That's unfair, untrue and inappropriate.

Stay with the current issue only.  Also, use good timing. Don't share your frustrations on the way to taking your kids to school or with your spouse on the way to church or a night out. Emotional agendas need time to work through and process appropriately.

Emotional health takes work, practice and intentionality. It's not weak to express how you feel. But it does make a difference in how you do it. So . . . tell me how you really feel, will you?

How We Respond To Our Spouse Is A Gamechanger

Have you ever tried to get someone's attention?  The nurse at the hospital, the vendor at the game, the teller at the bank or a clerk in the department store? And isn't it horribly frustrating when they don't seem to notice you or give you that look like, "I really don't have time for you, right now?"

But isn't it refreshing when one of those same people gives you the sense that they want to do everything possible to help you, even if they are busy?

Husbands and wives can respond the same way. We each make attempts to emotionally connect with the other and wise couples learn how to acknowledge that desire, even if we have to put off the best of responses for the time being.

For example, Mike has been thinking all day about taking his wife out for breakfast the next weekend.  They've not had a mini-date for awhile, they've both been incredibly busy and while he's not the greatest planner Mike was hoping to make his wife Connie's day. So he calls her at lunch and says, "Hey, hon, how about we find a sitter for Ryan Saturday morning and go have a leisurely breakfast?"

To which Connie says, "Mike, are you kidding? No teenager is going to come babysit on Saturday morning and for Pete's sake, I don't have time to even eat breakfast at home, much less go sit somewhere and pretend to relax!"

As you can imagine, Mike is deflated and finds himself thinking, I won't be asking her to do that again.

On the other hand, Gina has been waiting all afternoon for Ron to get home from work to tell him about a vacation idea she has for the family. She works half days and has been determining how to use a little of her extra earnings to do something special. As Ron walks in, he grabs a beer out of the refrigerator.  Nonetheless, she asks him how his day was.  "Hard," he says and heads for the TV.

After giving him a few minutes to relax, Gina, however, suggests, "Hey, after dinner, I was wondering if we could talk about an idea I ran across for our vacation this summer."  As he takes a gulp of his Budweiser he manages an, "Uh-huh," and keeps watching ESPN. Gina is pretty sure their talk won't happen that night if ever.  Maybe I should have just never tried, she thinks.

In both cases, the spouse just wanted to connect with the other person about something meaningful and important to them. In the first case, Connie responded but totally missed Mike's intention. In the second, Ron simply avoided her reaching out. And the right answer in each scenario was not necessarily for each spouse to drop everything and agree.

Rather, they needed to respond, to affirm the other's good intentions and honor in some way their desire to relate on some deeper level.  They could have said something like, "Mike, I'd love to do breakfast or any meal with you. It's been a long time. I wonder if Saturday is the best time but let's talk about it."

Or, "Gina, thanks for checking into that for us. I don't know quite what a vacation will look like this year, but let's see what you've got. Maybe we can work it out."  Both responses say, "I value you and what you love, think and care about."

Whatever you do, acknowledge and affirm first. The rest of the discussion will depend on you and your circumstances. But the more you respond and don't deflect or defer, the more your spouse will come back for more.

Great Communication: The Importance of Timing

Farmers think about it. So do climbers. Even surgeons know it's important. You can't plant corn in the fall in the Midwest. You don't head for the summit in the late afternoon in the Rockies. And doctors make sure their patients are physically stable before they allow them to be operated on.

In other words they all know the importance of timing. Families need to also understand that timing can make all the difference in the success and effectiveness of their communication with each other. While yes there are times when the urgency of the moment requires immediate action most of the time that's not the case.

So when husbands and wives need to tackle tough questions they would be better to agree to a more acceptable and workable time to solve their problems. And yet many couples dump their biggest concerns on the other person at the most inappropriate times. One of them has just come in the door from a business trip, another has been home all day with demanding kids or they are on their way to church with the kids in the back seat.

None of those times will likely work to handle a major (or even minor) crisis. Parents can exhibit the same time mismanagement in dealing with discipline issues.

So how can we do better at timing at our house?

First, know your spouse or kids better and maximize their best times to talk and respond. Yes, we can use timing to simply not deal with painful realities but that's not what I'm talking about here. Sometimes you need to simply figure out a better time to dig deeper and agree that the tension of the moment can wait.

Second, curb your penchant to always have answers right now. Most problems didn't happen in an hour so they probably don't need to be resolved in an hour either.

Third, remember how helpful it is when others talk to you in your best moments, not your worst. I know that after a long day of meetings and counseling I'm often not ready to talk seriously the moment I come home. I need to think about my wife's similar needs and give her the same courtesy.

While timing isn't the only thing that makes for deep communication, it sure is a main thing. Think about timing a bit more the next time you have serious issues to talk about at home. I'm pretty sure it will make a significant difference.

Is your home thirsty? Let it rain.

I currently live in Austin, Texas. We're experiencing our latest drought, one which has broken some all-time records. It was 112 degrees the other day tying the highest temperature ever. Our lakes our down some 40+ feet. We had the second most number of days in a row over a 100 and the most days above the century mark ever for one year.

So as you might expect the officials in our counties are taking some wise steps. They've banned outdoor burning. We've had to add watering restrictions and boaters on the lakes have new rules to insure safety.

And if you're home is typical, you and your family can face your own times of drought. You're thirsty for relationship, time, sanity, love, attention or a host of other good things that every person needs. What typically causes family drought? Over-commitment, selfishness, straying priorities, poor planning, unresolved marriage problems, challenging circumstances, getting away from God . . . 

There are more . . . you can probably add some of your own.

But you also know that if nothing is done in response to your drought damage can be done. And unlike in Austin where we can't just turn on the rain, you can do some things to at least stem the tide of the rain shortage.

First, slow down and take inventory. Sometimes slowing down will make a huge difference by itself but it's important to face what the rain deficit is doing to your home. Perhaps an activity or two needs to go, maybe some counseling would help, perhaps you've let your spiritual relationship with God go to the back burner.

Second, make some initial changes and take some first steps to find water. Go to that counselor, get back to church, slice some things from the schedule. Remind each other that all these extra activities will mean nothing if your family tanks.

Third, speak love and life into each other more. Because of busyness our homes can become void of meaningful discussion, encouragement and building each other up. Listen to feelings and needs. Talk more -period. But that will take some focused time. It may start around a game or mealtime but begin somewhere.

No family will survive well living in the desert. But if we're smart we'll bring along some of our own water, even if mother nature doesn't help us out.

The Power of Words of Life

Most of us have forgotten most of what happened or was said to us five, ten, twenty, or forty years ago. But there are likely a couple of things that DO stand out. Things that were special, events that were surprises, opportunities that were incredibly amazing and words that hurt.

Yes, words that stung, that attacked our character, that made us feel ashamed are ones that stay with us for awhile, sometimes forever. Why?  Because they went deeply into our souls, they described to us (or so we thought) who we really are in the eyes of the other person and they often seemed to speak about things that we could never change.

If some of us reading this right now were to actually think again about hearing those words we would get a tear in our eye or a lump in our throat. Others might become enraged or find themselves in a moment of despair. The harmful, death-like words of those who mean the most to us can injure, abuse and destroy.

Sadly, those kinds of words may be coming from our mouths and we don't even realize it. We may blame them on a moment of anger or the bad behavior of the kids. We can couch our response in "that's just how I respond, but I get over it," but those who bear the brunt of our words don't get over it.

That's why we need to keep the focus of our language on words of life, words that encourage, build up and are offered to help keep the other person's dignity and personhood still intact.  We can say hard things, deal with conflicts and express differences of opinions and still speak words of life, not words of death.

Words of death usually have phrases in them like, you always, you never, you're just a . . .  , etc. Words of death are typically accompanied by a tone and/or look of disdain that makes the other person cower and want to leave.

In a negative situation words of life will sound more like, "I'm really angry right now because it seems like you said one thing last night and are changing your mind now without consulting me."  That's a fair statement. No one is being condemned, no one's character is under attack.  The speaker is simply expressing their emotions and why and talking about a current event or action and no other.

Words of death bring shame.  Words of life offer hope.  Words of death push away while words of life draw people together.

The familiar credit card ad regularly asks, "What's in your wallet?"  So let me ask, "What's in your vocabulary?"  Words of life or death.  A famous Proverb from the Bible says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue."  No words could be more true . . . or important.