Fear: Not Usually Helpful At Home

I have a number of things I'm basically afraid of.  I'll bet you do, too. Snakes are high on my list. Most of us wonder if terrorism will end up in our town or city's backyard. It's natural to be pretty nervous. While I'm confident in my faith in God and that I'll see Heaven someday, I'm still a bit fearful of what dying is like, at least the unknown parts right now.

And healthy fears of getting hit by a car or struck by lightning can help us taken necessary and wise precautions to avoid the worst. All fear isn't bad.

However, some fear in a home can be debilitating, destructive and emotionally painful.As parents we would be wise to think about those kinds of fears and try to avoid them. Let me suggest a few.

The fear of failure. While our kids may not care much at first, many parents hate to see their child make a mistake, not get on the team or give up on a project or endeavor. To those parents their child's lack of succcess means they as parents aren't a success either. So they push harder or at best have trouble hiding their disappointment in their child. And trust me they notice and probably will become fearful themselves of not measuring up.

The fear of what others think.  This can be exasperated when failure looms, but it can also result when we constantly compare ourselves with others.  We don't have as much house, money, fame, social connections or power. So we're not OK in our minds and soon our kids begin to believe it as well..

The fear of other people. Yes, only a few will be totally non-social. That's unusual. But sometimes we can allow our kids to never learn to connect with adults or new people or anyone not quite like them. Other parents teach kids to think that everyone in their world is out to get or hurt them. What a dangerous allowance in a world where someday social interactions and trying new things in relational contexts will be essential to succeed and relate in the culture.

The fear of having fun. Many kids today are being pushed harder and harder as I alluded to earlier. But a corollary emotion and response can be the sense that to have a good time is never OK. Only working harder is acceptable here. And while most kids deep inside still want to have fun, they find themselves always wondering if mom and dad are listening or know that they are anything but totally serious about succeeding.

There are of course other fears that I don't have time to explore now. But the bigger issue is, Is our home a safe place for kids to grow, be stretched and even fail? If not, why not?  What are you possibly helping by making the accepted landscape in your family one of only hard work, determination and outdoing their best friend?

Yes, we need to model and encourage that we all do our best. And yes, even the Bible suggests that we should love God and others with all our heart. But fear will never be the best motivator. Imagine what your work experience would be like if your boss motivated you only with fear (and some of you no doubt CAN imagine that.)

Be sure that you are wise and reasonable in your expectations.  Have fun. Celebrate victories, of course, but also celebrate trying hard, doing something unique and even failing after doing your best. Keep fear protective, yes, but not preventative of healthy, wise, fun life at your house!

It's All Tainted: Why We'll Never Be Perfect

The other day someone asked me as their pastor and counselor how they would know if they were going to do something for all the right reasons. I think she was shocked by my response when I said, "Well, I have bad news for you. You will never do anything in this life for all the right reasons. Neither will I. We're all tainted."

Now the rest of our discussion did include the fact that we can work on our motives and need God to help us keep the right perspective.

But I think most of us forget that even though we may be Christ followers and forgiven in God's eyes, we will always be human and our selfishness will always still creep in. It doesn't matter how long we've been a Christian or our chronological age. We won't ever have perfect motives, thoughts or attitudes.

We thankfully can get better.  We certainly don't need to stay the way we are. That's why we need the fellowship of other believers, the truth of the Scriptures and some spiritual discipline in our life. But we must always be aware that we can slip up, even in a big way.

And when we accept that truth we'll actually be better off.  Why?

First, we will pretend less because we no longer live according to an impossible goal that someday we will have things all together. Instead we can be honest about our failings and ask others to keep us accountable.

Second, we will live in less guilt because we know we can't be perfect now. We can strive for it but we'll never get there until Heaven.  And that's OK.

Third, we should be more on the alert knowing that we're always vulnerable and could really do the worst of things given the right circumstances.  Yes, Christ does make us new, but those changes take time and we must grow in our faith. There is always a chance we will slip up again.

So, if you've been subtly trying for some sort of perfect life, welcome to the real world. And remember you're among friends.

The Best Defense Isn't Usually Helpful in Marriage

If you follow sports at all you know that sometimes great defense wins games. Stopping the other person from scoring points or goals is often what helps the offense the most.

But in marriage defensive responding is rarely helpful. Playing defense usually means several things happen often in a marriage: one or both spouses rarely think they are wrong, neither are willing to look at their own issues and most conflict ends in stalemates, hurt and anger.

And yet many couples go to defensiveness immediately when they feel threatened or there is a chance they are wrong. Rather than explore how they might have hurt or let the other person down, they frantically hope to make their case for themselves.

For some this reaction came from their childhood where they were often told they were wrong or could never measure up. For others they're just competitive and always want to win.  Whatever the cause, playing defense has to go in a marriage. That doesn't mean that there is never a place for explaining yourself or getting the facts straight.

But let's walk through the process that a defensive spouse often faces and find a better way.

First, they hear something that potentially makes them look bad, have to admit an error or lack of judgment. That usually causes anger, panic or despair to well up within so they must do something to fight back.

Second, they begin to explain away their action, hoping to convince the other person that they aren't so bad or didn't do anything wrong.

Third, the other person continues to make their point. The arguing continues and both now try to win the battle.  They're playing defense and as a reult become offensive.  This never works.

The answer?  Don't explain, explore. Be willing to ask the other person how what you did made them feel and what you could have done differently. This isn't an admission of guilt. It's an acceptance of your own mistake and an understanding that your worth is not on the the line (See other posts I've written on this.).

Play more appropriate offense where you work at trying to understand and restore the relationship.

You see a great defense never wins the marriage game.

Our Kids Often Hear Things We Didn't Intend

Recently our three-year-old grandson Liam had his hands over his ears and announced to us all, "You can't hear me!"  Of course he just had things a bit confused, pretty normal for a little guy his age.

However, Liam's actions could be a description of many parents and the way they talk in their homes. They say things to one another believing that their kids never hear their comments or they make remarks that they believe won't bother their children. In both cases they are usually wrong. They can hear you much of the time.

Why?  Well sometimes they're in the house and actually hear what we say. Their radar is often tuned for the sound of our voice or sometimes they intentionally get close enough to us when we're not looking to hear what we say about them. And in those moments, intentionally or not, we sometimes send the message that they aren't smart or good enough or as gifted as a sibling.

Other times, we are speaking directly to them intending to say one thing but they hear something else. For example, we say that one of the kids is particularly talented in some skill, sport or academic area. We don't mean to slight the other but that's how they take it.  "What about me?" they may think.

Third, they may hear things indirectly that we've said about them through someone else.  We may have told an aunt, grandparent, neighbor or church leader something negative about them and all of a sudden our cute or clever story gets back to our child. All they know is that we were talking about them and they think the worst.

Of course, we live in a culture where telling kids they are wonderful, bright, talented and a winner is often overdone. I'm not suggesting we encourage that kind of overblown praise.  But we do need to be wise and careful about our words.

Always make sure your kids are out of earshot when you have to have hard conversations about them, their schoolwork or talents. Be careful what stories and tales you tell others. Ask yourself what you child might think if that story came back to them.

Consider the words you use when you talk to one child about their abilities and not another. Be sure to find talent and ability in both kids even though their skills may be very different. My sister and I both tried art and music but we clearly went different directions when we got older. My parents figured that out thankfully.

Proverbs wisely tells us in chapter 18, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue."  Remember the power of your words this week. They matter.

Thinking Before We Speak

Not long ago I went with a team from our church to work at an apartment complex downtown to assist people there who have very little and some of whom have extra special needs. During the past couple of years we have built some special friendships with these folks and enjoy our time with them every time we go.

On this particular visit I spent some time with a young blind man. He is very bright and most enjoyable to talk to about most anything. But at one point during the day he asked me to come up to his room and help him look for something that he'd been having trouble finding.

I said I would and began pushing him up to his room in his wheelchair. As the elevator door on his floor opened I noticed the incredible vista of our Austin downtown lake and its surroundings. So I immediately said, "Wow, you have a great view up here." All at once I realized that I had just told a blind man what an incredible "view" he had!

I felt like such an idiot and frankly I was at that moment. Thankfully, he had a good sense of humor and laughed with me when I realized my mistake.

However, that incident reminded me again that it is pretty important to think before we speak whether we're talking to our spouse, our kids or a friend. During a recent trip to Russia, my eleventh, I was constantly trying to think how to say things in Russian, my skills being pretty limited. But sometimes I wonder if I don't need to spend more time thinking every day about how to say things in English!

Am I speaking words that will build up this other person? Am I trying to enter their world in a meaningful way or am I just attempting to make myself look better?

Even when I need to say hard things, am I speaking words that will help the other person be stronger and better or am I just seeking my own satisfaction? Are my words demanding that others be more like me or do I express my perspective and opinion in a gracious, non-threatening way?

We will all have to evaluate our own habits and practices, but it will help if we all take regular inventory of our speech tendencies with others. In fact, ask someone else to give you some feedback and then listen to them. Chances are they see and hear things from you that you do not. Let them be a mirror for you.

I know that when I listen to the recordings of my teachings I often hear things that I actually said and yet didn't know those things came across the way they did.

Before you respond to your spouse's or child's action or perspective that you don't agree with, think about the best way to engage them. As the New Testament says, let your words be seasoned with salt. Salt is designed to preserve and to bring out the flavor in our food. Let your words do the same for others in your world.

Think before you speak today!