Why Many Kids Today Are Killing Their Parents . . . Well, sort of.

Sadly, we read almost every week that some family dispute has again occurred and one of the members of what was a generally loving family, mom, dad or a child was killed by one of them. These scenarios are always tragic and horribly sad, but seem to be increasing in many part of the country, most notably larger cities.

However, there is also slow death and dying going on in many more families though thankfully, no one is losing their life per se. If not who, what's dying?

It's meaningful relationship.  It's family time, sometimes church attendance and involvement and memory making together. But perhaps worst of all, many husbands and wives are basically ending their marriage relationship the day their first child comes into the world. While the dwindling of togetherness may move slowly for a while, their relationship can almost disappear once their first child becomes involved in any activities and/or another child comes along.

And obviously more children (and of course more activities) simply add to the messy matrix that absorbs everyone's focus, time, attention and any hope for much in th eway of family interactions.

Sure we cover the problem by attending all their games and activities but most of our interactions are comments like, Call me when you need a ride or Good game! or Be sure you have your homework done.

We call it relationship when we're in their presence, say sitting in the auditorium or the stands watching them participate or driving them to a practice, but it's faux relationship.

And at some point wise parents make some key decisions, not ones that are always popular with family, school parents and the kids. Let me suggest a few of those important choices:

Limit the number of sports, activities, rehearsals and practices you children are involved in. Kids don't have to be in every sport, music group or advance class of something.

Make a family time vacation at least a once or twice event each year.  Plan it together, anticipate the possibilities and be sure there are group activities that are fun for everyone and don't require technology.

Be a mean parent and limit the amount of screen time your kids have on their pads, computers and other technological devices.

Parents need to plan regular husband and wife getaways that the kids actually observe them taking. This is modeling, folks, and your kids may not learn the importance of time together as spouses from anyone else. And single parents can work at saving up for their own getaways as well. That's what grandparents are for.

You can choose your own other ideas to give your family margin and more time for each other. In fact when all is said and done and the question needs to be answered, "What's BEST for our children and what's just GOOD or BETTER?

So often we focus on what looks best competitively for our family when we need to think about what would best help each child grow as a person, future leader, spouse and Christ follower while helping the parents to grow in their love and commitment to each other. And instead of killing their relationship a family like yours could actually be bringing life into your home. What could be better than that?

Three Key Non-negotiables In A Healthy Marriage

Every marriage, every relationship has its uniquenesses. Some spouses are more active or outgoing than others. Some have no kids, others a couple, some a large brood. Some husbands and wives love the outdoors, sports or travel. Others can be happy at home, enjoying local family and not being too busy.

Those special differences make the world better and life rich. Each couple ought to enjoy the image in which it is made.

However, there are a handful of qualities in good marriages that need to flourish in every couple's portfolio if they're going to succeed and stay married 'til death do them part.

Let me suggest three.

They make quality, meaningful, interactive time for each other. This is time that is focused on them, not the kids or other family, not work or individual hobbies and not television or other entertainment simply done together.

Some of these times will be very informal, while others may be more serious. Leisure, fun and even errands can be done during these times but the key is that they emphasize being together. There are few distractions from other people, responsibilities or dissimilar interests.

They speak to each other (and yes even argue) with respect, kindness and avoiding contempt. Marriages that last are known not for sweet and syrupy conversation all the time, but rather a basic tone of voice and use of language that is never mean, disrespectful or unnecessarily hurtful.

Couples avoid demanding, derogatory name calling and shaming one another. They speak in the here and now without bringing up past mistakes to gain advantage or control. They also build each other up both in private and in front of others, never using humor or berating of the other with friends, family or acquaintances.

In fact couples would be wise to get some counseling or other practical help on how to communicate with one another more effectively. Check out my marriage videos at Marriage Videos.

They regularly talk about how they are doing as a married couple. In other words, they aren't afraid of evaluation. We usually take a mini-retreat every year to do just that. We have fun, go somewhere we both would enjoy (need not be expensive) and talk about both the past year and the one ahead of us. We actually take time at the end to pray over our goals and ideas.

You can do this any way that works for you but give it a try.

Of course there are more important keys to a great, effective, intimate marriage. But why not start with these three and see how you're doing? It's worth investing in one of the most important relationships you have and will ever have!

One of The Best Habits We Ever Put In Our Marriage

Most couples over time develop certain habits whether they like it or not. Some are helpful and enriching to their marriage, others annoying and some even destructive. Often most of their habits aren't even planned, they just happen.

Jackie and I have had our share in the above lists but there is one that I am thankful we were very intentional about from the very beginning of our marriage until today. No, we've not done it perfectly and there have been periods where it pretty much vanished for a time but its importance and pull have always brought us back to it.

I am confident that it has enhanced our communication, intimacy, planning for the future and ability to simply rest and enjoy some Sabbath in our busy weeks.

Our habit? We've made extended, focused time for each other. We have committed to a day, morning, evening or a combination where we put aside our regular schedule, plan something fun, go out to eat perhaps along the way and explore new places together. We usually have some sort of goal but the time is not typically programmed and we can always change things up last minute.

Sometimes the weather alters our course or we're just too tired. That's okay. We have enough margin during that time to not get flustered because our original plan didn't work out. We don't always go somewhere either. Sometimes we stay home, read, relax and watch movies or television that we didn't get to see earlier.

We try not to let other outside influences steal our time away either. We limit phone calls (I'm a pastor so sometimes there are emergencies), online efforts, housework and errands. We try to make sure we have time to talk, leaving room for heavier issues but not limiting ourselves to that. We laugh a lot and talk about non-work, non-people things rather than ministry.

And there is something about having a day that we know is out there waiting for us that makes challenging times a bit more tolerable.  We know that a reprieve is coming so we can take a little more pressure for a time if need be. And even if our getaway time gets robbed because of events we can't control it is so ingrained in us we gravitate to it immediately the next week.

I fear that many, if not most couples, in this 21st century, have relegated time for each other to we'll-do-that-when-we-get-time or once-the-kids-are-grown or some other fantasy-laden hope that will never happen. It's not that you can't afford to take time for each other. You can't afford NOT to have it. You'll have to make it happen even if it means letting go of something else.

Marriages don't deteriorate for no reason. They fail because we don't give them time, priority and intentionality. So don't wait!  Start somewhere. Maybe you can't give a whole day yet. Then find a couple of hours or a morning for starters.  But write it on your calendar.  Let you kids know you are working more at being together. You'll be modeling something for them to take into their marriage.

I'm pretty sure it will be a habit you're glad you started.  Try it.

Bold Love: Laying Aside The Past Wrongs in Your Marriage

I have several large bookshelves that stand directly behind where I sit when I counsel couples. (I somehow believe it will it impress them but that hasn't ever seemed to work.)  And I often use those shelves as an illustration regarding how we like to keep our own personal bookshelves handy, shelves filled with all the wrongs our spouse did in the past.

And then when we need them we grab one or two or twenty of those "books" and throw them again at our spouse. "I've never trusted you since that day five years ago when . . . " or "Don't you ever forget how much you hurt me when . . . " or "You lied back then and you're obviously lying now. When will it ever stop?"

Now granted the past matters because it has shaped much of what we do today. It matters because we need to learn from it sometimes. It matters if things really haven't changed and today you're simply facing more of the same.

However, healthy couples instead learn to leave those volumes on the shelf and communicate only in the HERE and NOW.  When they are angry or upset they talk about what's currently happening and don't include the past as part of the discussion.  They let go of the past out of love for their spouse and work on today only.  This is a biblical concept.

"Love does not store up the memory of any wrong it has received."  I Corinthians 13

We need to forgive, to let go of the wrongs against us. As I've said before, forgiveness is not about letting someone else off the hook as much as letting yourself off the hook.  But if you and your spouse are ever going to make real progress in dealing with conflict you will have to live by this idea of letting go of the past.

How do you live this out in everyday life?  Start rephrasing your comments when you're angry, hurt or confused.  Say something like, "This morning I was really hurt when you . . . .  "  as opposed to, "Every time I try to bring up (blank) you get defensive and blame me.  It started the day we were married and I don't even know why I try any more."

Don't let the past own you anymore.  Love even admits that often our view of the past is skewed by our emotional reaction to it.  Sometimes it's as bad as remember but often it is not.  Either way, it does us no good now.

Love was never intended to be easy or not require big-time sacrifice. Read the rest of I Corinthians 13 and you'll see what I mean. But the love God describes there is the only kind we should settle for. And if we're going to enjoy it then we need to forgive . . . even when it's hard.

The Best Defense Isn't Usually Helpful in Marriage

If you follow sports at all you know that sometimes great defense wins games. Stopping the other person from scoring points or goals is often what helps the offense the most.

But in marriage defensive responding is rarely helpful. Playing defense usually means several things happen often in a marriage: one or both spouses rarely think they are wrong, neither are willing to look at their own issues and most conflict ends in stalemates, hurt and anger.

And yet many couples go to defensiveness immediately when they feel threatened or there is a chance they are wrong. Rather than explore how they might have hurt or let the other person down, they frantically hope to make their case for themselves.

For some this reaction came from their childhood where they were often told they were wrong or could never measure up. For others they're just competitive and always want to win.  Whatever the cause, playing defense has to go in a marriage. That doesn't mean that there is never a place for explaining yourself or getting the facts straight.

But let's walk through the process that a defensive spouse often faces and find a better way.

First, they hear something that potentially makes them look bad, have to admit an error or lack of judgment. That usually causes anger, panic or despair to well up within so they must do something to fight back.

Second, they begin to explain away their action, hoping to convince the other person that they aren't so bad or didn't do anything wrong.

Third, the other person continues to make their point. The arguing continues and both now try to win the battle.  They're playing defense and as a reult become offensive.  This never works.

The answer?  Don't explain, explore. Be willing to ask the other person how what you did made them feel and what you could have done differently. This isn't an admission of guilt. It's an acceptance of your own mistake and an understanding that your worth is not on the the line (See other posts I've written on this.).

Play more appropriate offense where you work at trying to understand and restore the relationship.

You see a great defense never wins the marriage game.

Putting Protective Locks on Your Marriage

If you know me or regularly read my posts you know that I travel to Russia a good big.  I was there two weeks ago as a matter of fact. However, I saw something on a recent trip that I'd never seen before. On the Luzhov Bridge over a canal there are these "trees" of locks where newlyweds come a place their own lock on their wedding day.

I don't know all the symbolism behind them but they apparently come expressing their commitment to each other in one more way to each other.  I like that picture and the trees are pretty cool, too.

Perhaps more of us need to think about locks that we should place on our marriage commitment.  Yes, some will immediately think that locking one's marriage means confinement, authority and a lack of freedom but read on because that's not the goal at all.

A lock also implies protection. We put locks on our houses, safes and garages.  We lock our cars with special electrical systems. We lock the things that we care the most about.

So what might locks on a marriage look like. First, I think it means you lock out inappropriate relationships. That means men don't build deep friendships with other women and vice versa. The potential for deeper involvement is high and dangerous.  Intimacy should be reserved for your spouse.

It's also wise to lock out a schedule without margin. Too many couples and families simply have too little time for each other or for spontaneous time to just enjoy one another. We're married to our calendars, our outside activies, work and hobbies. We need moments when we can talk and just enjoy the many things and people in our lives.

We need to also lock in  spiritual growth and training. If we're honest there is more to life than stuff. There is a world around us, made by a Creator who longs to know us, live in us and show us our purpose here. If we're just busy and avoid the spiritual we miss what really makes us alive.

Finally, lock in serving others and not just ourselves. Teaching our kids to serve plus serving with our spouse provides new persepctive about life, what we have and what we don't need. It will help you build memories that will last a lifetime and change you in the process.

So perhaps you and your spouse need to go put a lock somewhere this weeek or weekend. Have a little ceremony reminding each other what you're committed to.  That way if you want to have a great marriage, it will be a lock!

Something Fundamental Missing in Most Troubled Marriages

Remember your wedding day?  Can you still recite your vows?  Whether you know them word for word, you probably recall promising to love, cherish, and honor each other until the day you died. You meant well. You hoped that would happen and more.

But many of us know that things change. And while we still try to love each other we know there are way more fights or at least major disagreements that often become hurtful and harmful. We don't know why we spar over the little stuff or why our spouse irritates us so much.

Well, there are lots of factors when it comes to our conflicts but there is one that is especially worth considering.  It's what I call the Identify Factor. Most of us have a case of mistaken identity. We think that our spouse will fulfill us, do or say enough things everyday that will make us feel whole and important.  And while we should attempt to love our spouses, encourage them and build them up we can never be enough for them.

However, many couples struggle with arguing and fighting over some of the dumbest things. Why? Well, it's often because they are fighting for their worth, not about what restaurant they should go to or whether one of them picked the right outfit for little Suzanna. We go at it with the one love because they are not agreeing with us or telling us about something we might have done better and that only reinforces that, yes, we really aren't OK.

But if you're a Christ follower, you ARE OK in God's eyes. Jesus died so that we could be OK again. And there are five things we must be reminded are always true of us once we join God's family.  Let me tell you what they are: We are loved, we matter, we have purpose, we are forgiven and we're a child of God.

On any given day those things are always true. And since they are then when we approach our spouse to talk and they need to say something difficult to us or we aren't on the same page we don't have to win. We are freer to say tell me more or I'm sorry I responded the way I did or let's figure out how to make the best decision here about the kids (or whatever).


Our messed up identify has all sorts of implications: how we will do our work, how we will react to difficulties and even how we parent. If you've been trying to improve you marriage and have even gotten counseling but can't seem to put any new ideas into place, consider your identity. You just might be mistaken about it. Thankfully, God has a better offer for you.

Preparing for Life When The Kids Are Gone

Most parents who have children can't imagine life without them. But unless we die early we are all going to experience the empty nest at some point.  Unfortunately many parents never prepare.

Instead, they spend eighteen or more years living life around their children and work. Children's activities require constant attention, taxiing and expenses. Work of course takes a significant amount of time and energy every week.

Perhaps there's a break for a week or two of vacation. But then the process starts all over again.

But what about mom and dad?  Will they ever learn to spend meaningful, fun and anticipated time together?  In many cases, no. That takes thought, planning and work.

So instead, the last child heads off to college or a family and mom and dad sit across from each other with no clue how to enjoy each other. Or they simply sit in front of the television and plan to die.

There is a better way.

Start living as a couple now. You probably did it for a few months or better yet years before the kids came along. From the time you started dating until that first baby arrived you were most likely great friends who talked, went out together, planned fun times and couldn't wait for the next time.

For some reason we think though that when kids enter the scene all that has to end. Now granted, it's more difficult. But we're making a huge mistake when our children become the center of their and our universe.

Instead we would be far wiser to keep making time together a high priority. You can still date if you work at it. You can still find time away if your plan well. As I've said other place planning is half the fun. In fact, it's not that you can't afford to be together, you can't afford NOT to be together.

Your kids need to see you making each other a priority or they'll do the same when they get married. They need to know they're not the center of the known universe. Life in not all about them.

So start right away. Put time for you as a couple on your calendar. Sure, there are limits and times when it will be harder but when the time comes for your kids to leave you'll be more OK with it and healthier in the process.

Can There Be Too Much Info In Our Marriage Talks?

My four-year-old grandson was finishing up his meal recently when he asked me if we could go play again. I suggested that he needed to eat up his food and then we could play. To which he promptly replied, "Well, we could multitask!"

Yes, us men are known for our penchant for doing several things at once: watching TV, reading the paper trying to talk to our spouse or whatever. However, a recent study suggests that women are actually better than men at multitasking. I don't know the parameters or other details of the study but that's really not that surprising a result when you look at other research.

John Gottman has suggested that in conversation with their wife, most men can easily become flooded if they receive too much emotional information to respond to at one time. He suggests that there is a physiological limit to a man's ability to process and when he reaches that limit he tends to shut down rather than engage in more dialogue.

And I would guess that most wives can identify certain times when this has happened.

Some women might wonder if men then will suggest they now have an excuse for not listening more or stonewalling. Well, guys, that won't work. Just giving up or getting quiet isn't the answer.

Instead, wives should first be sensitive to how much they try to drop on their husband about their feelings, circumstances, goals or whatever before giving their husband some time to respond. And then both husbands and wives would be wise to talk about what to do when a man feels this flooding of information. They should have a a strategy that works for them. Guys, at times you need to be willing to graciously say to your spouse that you need a few minutes to process or respond before moving on to another aspect of that topic or a different one altogether.

I know of some couples who take a 20-30 minute break and then come back and talk more. Others might just stop more quickly and talk about the one main item first before moving on to something else or adding more detail. Others may feel a need to write some things down as they talk so the man especially has a good overview of what's been talked about so far.

Whatever you do, don't miss out on this simple idea that may help ratchet up your communication skills. Keep your conversations from flooding each other. Don't overdo it or over-expect. Floods are usually dangerous.

The Power of a Great Response in Marriage

Bill came home one evening and said to his wife Marcy, "Hey, how about we go on a date this weekend? It's been awhile and I miss it just being the two of us." Marcy, feeling overwhelmed with a five-year-old and and a two-year-old, not to mention trying to work part-time, blurts back, "Oh sure, I can hardly think about how to get through tonight much less get ready for a date. That takes baby sitters and the ability to stay awake past nine o'clock."

Bill knows he might as well not continue the discussion or push for going out so he just heads for the television and drops the idea.

What was Bill's goal?  To make an emotional connection with his wife and show her some love and attention. Maybe his timing wasn't the best and perhaps this coming weekend wouldn't work well. But what if Marcy had simply said, "Wow, thanks for thinking of me and us. I'd love that. I'm just feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. Could we talk about another time in a day or two for a special date?"

So many discussions and even healthy arguments get shut down when the first type of response is made. When the spouse either turns away or turns against the other's attempt to connect (John Gottman's terms) the chances of future connection are diminished dramatically.

The reality is that when we get good at making a good first response that in some way turns toward the other person our chances for getting closer to each other are enhanced. As my second example showed, turning toward your mate doesn't mean agreeing or giving in or accepting the implications of the other's comments.  It simply suggests that we attempt our part of the connection by acknowledging their comments, listening in some way and responding.

Lisa says to Tom, "How 'bout we watch a video tonight while the kids are at their practices?" Many guys might ignore her request, pretend they didn't hear or say something like, "You know I don't like those sappy movies you always want to watch."  What will Lisa think the next time she wants to watch a video?  I'm not trying that again!

Instead, a thoughtful and caring response from Tom like, "Hey, we haven't done that for awhile. Is it your turn to pick one or mine?" could set the stage for a talk about movie preferences without pushing Lisa away.

So, if it seems like your attempts to connect with your spouse or vice versa are usually pretty rocky, take a shot at a better first response. It can make all the difference in the world.

Great Habits Help Make Great Marriages

I'll bet that you and your spouse can quickly come up with a list of things you do individually that are just routine in your daily schedule. You make your coffee, take a shower, read the paper, turn on the TV, go to church, take the kids to school and dozens more.

And while some of those activities are simply our personal choice,  many of our habits are helpful because they keep us doing things that are important. We stay clean, we see that our kids get an education and we go to work and help pay the bills.

However, how many routines do you and your spouse have that are important to the health of your marriage? I find that most couples who are struggling rarely take time to develop habits for their marriage. They're too busy or they simply haven't thought about it.

So let me suggest a couple of habits that could help add new life, strength and even healing to your relationship. And by habits I mean that you do them so regularly that if something interferes with them you will naturally do them the next time.

First, have a time during the week that's just for you. Yes, when you have kids at home this is more difficult but don't let parenting get in the way of this one. When our kids were little we shared babysitters every other week so we could have a Saturday morning to ourselves. For many years since I've been a pastor we've taken Monday or Friday off.

And we just spent 12 days in Russia when we missed two of our off days but guess where we'll be this Monday?  Together doing something.

Second, have a time that you pray with or for each other. It's this simple - prayer matters. God is in the business of giving strength, healing and providing wisdom. But even beyond the spiritual benefits, praying for each other deepens your care and trust for each other in ways beyond what you can imagine. And I've never heard of couples fighting during prayer!

Third, be habitual about speaking words of love, life and encouragement to each other.  If you are speaking kindly to each other regularly, you'll know when you've gotten out of the habit.  You'll be able to tell that you miss the words of your spouse that build you up and vice versa.

So, take a look at your habit list and make sure some of those habits involve your spouse and time together.  True intimacy doesn't just happen.  You need to get in the habit.

Fighting the Good Fight In Your Marriage

A survey came out this week that suggests the average married couple fights or at least spar with each other seven times a day! That means there are some who must fight more and of course some less.  But the bigger questions seem to be, "How do we fight and why?  What purpose does our arguing accomplish? And are there better ways to handle our conflicts.

Yes, conflict is normal. Every couple has it. Couples who never disagree are likely facing some sort of denial, stonewalling or unhealthy lack of authenticity.

But there are definitely some things we can do to improve our communications at home especially when we're not on the same page. First of all, we need to deal with our personal worth. I've addressed this in other posts but if you believe that your spouse's criticisms of you have to do with your value as a person you will fight to the death to win. Unfortunately you won't fight fairly or effectively. You won't listen, you'll just be on the offensive or defensive the whole time.

The good news is that your value in God's eyes is never about other person's views of you. You can still be the important or valuable person you are whether your spouse agrees with you or not.

Second, communicate upfront more. In the age of cell phones, texting, emails and the like, we need to over-communicate. How many fights are generated because one or the other spouse simply didn't take the time to let the other person know their plans or change of plans, needs, goals, desires or even emergencies?

Do what you can ahead of time to let your spouse know what's going on in your world.  You're a team - that's only fair and right.

Third, learn to communicate your needs, concerns and frustrations in healthier ways. A most helpful tool is what is called speaking in the here and now. We tend during our spats to use phrases like you always or you never or attempt name-calling or comparisons to others to get our way. Each of those methods goes beyond the current problem and actually begins to speak unfairly about the other person's character, before, now and in the future.

Here and now communication is more like this . . . "I was really hurt last night when you talked about my weight in front of our friends."   But many couples would say, I can't believe you put me down last night just like you always do whenever you feel like it. You're just like your dad who doesn't care what he says and who hears it. I'm sick of it."

Healthy communication uses words and phrases that only speak about what is going on now. Then couples work to better understand the other person's feelings and what the other person needs or needed to avoid that feeling so much.


Changing communication patterns takes time and often the help of a counselor or therapist. But if you're arguing seven times a day, even though its supposedly average, I'd seriously consider that there is a better way!

That Three Letter S Word

OK, so it's time that I talk some more about that three-letter word that starts with S. It's so difficult to mention even though we know we think about it all the time.  Of course I'm talking about SOX.  No not the White Sox or Red Sox, but the "socks" that you men still throw on the floor.

It's one of those little things that yes you do to passively-aggressively (I am a counselor you know) annoy your wife. She hasn't mentioned it since the second week of your marriage but every time she picks them up she throws them into the clothes hamper with a "Hmmph" that expresses her continuing deep hatred of your laziness and obsession with ESPN.

She's even considered just hiding them all until one day you look in your drawer before work and realize there are no socks to wear on a day when the temperature is barely above freezing.

Actually, there are hundreds of little sock-like annoyances that can crop up in a marriage which can slowly destroy our relationship. Or we can figure out how to live with them or at least work through them. I have a favorite pre-marital counseling theorem that I often use with couples:  If you throw your socks on the floor before you get married, you'll throw them on the floor after.

Your wedding day changes nothing when it comes to your habits.  Just because you went to this beautiful worship center or outdoor venue for your wedding, enjoyed the company of hundreds of family and friends and said your vows before "God and these witnesses," you will still be you the next day.  You won't likely say, "Oh, I'm married now so I won't be doing such and such (well, except dating, I hope) again."

So how do you handle those little annoyances like socks on the floor or how they brush their teeth or the way they clean or don't clean or whatever?  First, you remind yourself that you love this person including the good and the bad.  Part of loving someone is accepting who they are faults and all.

Second, you determine just how important their changing is to you, your family and your overall safety.  For example, if your spouse enjoys driving eighty miles per hour around town with you and the kids in the car, something needs to change. However, if they leave a drawer open now and then is that worth a fight or major discussion?

Third, when something does need to be discussed speak the truth in love.  Don't turn a habit into a character-fault issue.  "You are such a lazy bum.  Why can't you pick up your stupid socks?  Your parents obviously thought you were the center of attention and I'm telling you that's not going to be the case in this house?"  Tell them how it makes you feel and what you need that would help you feel differently.  In fact check out my posts on communication - there are some helpful tips there.

Finally, learn to compromise.  What could each of you do to make the issue that much less problematic, annoying or threatening.  Part of intimacy is looking at the things in each of us that aren't so pretty so get them out on the table and work out a solution that you both can accept if you can't stand things the way they are.

But remember, when it's all said and done, most of our annoyances are about us more than the other person and many of our annoyances are far worse than theirs. You only have so many days together.  Decide today which parts, the good or the bad, you're going to focus on during the years you have left!  And for Heaven's sake, go pick your socks up.

Key Causes of Marriage Problems

Recently I served on a panel in our weekend services answering questions about the things that bring pressure points to a marriage. I had no clue what topics would be covered but I was pretty sure there were a couple of places we needed to go.

Why? Because marriage problems, while complex and unique to each couple, have fundamental causes and issues that every couple would be wise to take note of and do inventory on regularly. And if you're deficient in these areas then make sure you get some preventative or remedial help that can assure that your marriage can remain vibrant, healthy and on track the way God intended.

The first common characteristic I see in troubled marriages is a lack of premarital preparation. That means that a couple began their new home with few skills and little understanding about what marriage is, can become and how to keep it growing. As a result they often don't know any better. They can begin to think that their dysfunctional ways of relating are normal and therefore continue to perpetuate them rather than learn to change.

It's only when things get so bad that the couple finally get help but even the assistance process is challenging because there is so much in their thinking and behaving that must be altered. If you didn't have premarital counseling before marriage I would seriously consider getting some or at least a marriage mentor and begin to talk about how your relationship is going. You might discover some major changes you need to make to avoid greater problems down the road.

Second, meaningful communication with each other is non-existent or severely inhibited by the ways the couple connect on a daily basis. So many couple are more interested in being right than doing what's best for each other and their home. Simple discussions turn into all out wars with yelling, pouting, swearing and demanding as the weapons. When things get bad enough most start to use namecalling and bringing up the past as ways to get in their final blow.

And those who take things to the limit can even begin to hit one another. These couples`need to know that there is a better way. And while I don't have time or space here to detail all of what healthy communication does and doesn't look like let me address a couple of places to start.

Begin by listening. Yes, listening. Turn off the TV, look at each other in the eye, and talk about how you feel about what's going on and why. Identify one another's feelings without defending your position. When we listen well we begin to understand and we all want and need understanding. Once we've heard the other person's feelings then we need to ask what they need from us that would help them feel less that way.

An example: So honey, you're confused and even hurt about our finances right now because I question your spending a lot and don't give you as much freedom as you would like with money. What do you need from me that would help you not feel that way as much?

Get the idea? Communication takes time and work. It requires putting aside our own demands and listening to the other person. I've never seen a couple struggling with their marriage who is very good at this.

Finally, when you talk with one another only speak in the here and now. By that I mean that you only talk about the current issue and what is happening right then, not things from the past or predictions for the future.

Here's the wrong way: Ron, you just never listen do you! It's always about you when we make a decision whether it's about going to dinner or changing jobs.

You're just like your father so why should I ever expect things to be different?

Here's the right way: Ron, I was confused tonight and frankly a little hurt when you told me to choose where we'd go to eat and then last minute you decided we would go somewhere else.

Can you see the difference? The first responses are filled with character attacks based on the past and then the spouse says the same about the future when the comparison to his dad is brought in. The implication? You'll never change. You're a loser, that's the way you are so why should I try?

But in the second example, the spouse focuses only on what's going on right now. That is huge in developing healthy communication skills and having meaningful conversations. A person is far more likely to engage in the second conversation than the first and will have far less tendencies to make war over it.

If you want to bring some pretty immediate help to a struggling marriage, start by getting some counsel or mentoring and try these communication skills. You'll be surprised where that can take you if you try!

Parents: Guard Your Relationship

Several new grandsons have been born into our family the past few years. Yes, little Liam David is one of the cutest babies in the world (pictured here) and was born to our daughter Amy and her husband David over four years ago now. I experienced all the usual grandpa feelings and wonder that most grandparents feel. I glowed as I watched my wife Jackie cradle that little bundle in her arms while my daughter and her husband beamed in pride and awe knowing they had begun the venture known as parenthood.

However, a couple of weeks prior Amy mentioned to us that she was also realizing that the birth of Liam would bring a whole new era in their relationship. After five years of marriage, their world would never quite be the same. They would lose the freedom to simply leave the house whenever they want to just go have dinner or get an ice cream cone. Liam would become, as he should, a special priority who would take an incredible amount of time, effort and commitment.

Amy and David were of course excited about having entered this new phase of their marriage but they were wise to realize that, yes, things will change and they would need to adjust accordingly to keep their marriage fresh and invigorated along the way. Now they have three, all boys.

Unfortunately, many parents do not understand the impact a child or children will have on them as a couple. Instead, their communication and intimacy in general take an unfortunate hit that doesn't need to happen if we'll just become a bit more intentional about our time together as well.

Now, of course, there will be periods when you can't sustain your marriage relationship with the same time and intensity as you have in the past or will later. And a newborn in the home generally fosters one of those times. Parents tend to become pretty exhausted and if mom's breastfeeding it's even more challenging to just get away for even an hour or two. We have to accept those unique settings and be especially sensitive to one another's everyday needs at that point.

However, new parents need to also continue to think about and nourish their marriage relationship as much as possible. First of all, get rest whenever you can get it. That will give you energy to both care for the new baby and to have at least a little interaction with one another in those few moments you have time.

Talk when you can about both the joys you're experiencing and the challenges of being a new parent. Your attempts to be understanding especially during these new pressure-filled days and weeks will pay great dividends. Even if you only have a moment or two, pray for and with one another.

As time allows and the baby matures, try to find someone who can watch the baby even for an hour or two so you can go get coffee or that ice cream now and then. Hey, that's what grandparents are for, right?

My point is this: no matter what age your children are, you must continue to build life into your marriage. As we sat in the hospital drooling over little Liam, I was again hit with how one little life can change everything. And it's wonderful - don't get me wrong! Amy and David are going to have some of the greatest joys they've ever known having little Liam and likely others around. Grandma and grandpa are already enjoying every time we get to see him as we have with our other grandsons in IL.

But let's not ever make the mistake of allowing our marriage to slowly lose its vibrancy because we put one another on the back burner for the next eighteen years. Let's not become parents-only and miss out on becoming the loving man and woman we promised to be at an altar years before.

And, by the way, if you can't get in touch with me these days, I'm probably over playing with Liam. Do you think he can catch a ball yet?