Love: Sacrificial Acts, One At A Time

I was in a store the day before Valentine's Day and watched a harried businessman briskly walk in to buy a card. Since I was also getting one for my wife, he walked up right next to me to choose his. And he took all of twelve seconds to pick it out. Obviously, his feelings were really deep for his sweetheart.

OK, maybe he truly loves her and was feeling especially guilty and short on time. Nonetheless, the image of that man in a hurry to "love" reminded me that true love is really so much more. Our culture has often made love into something merely syrupy, temporary or sexy.

And yet if we're honest we know it's far greater than that. The book of I Corinthians places it the highest on its list with faith and hope.

And while no one can ever totally describe love maybe we can look at a few of its components to remind us of its richness and what we might want to model better this year in our homes.

Love is sacrificial. Anyone in a marriage or other relationship must never expect 50/50 relating. There are times when it's equal and both partners should learn to love well. But sacrifice means just that - we give up something. Sometimes we have to give totally because the other doesn't or is incapable of it for a time. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice of love for us as our example and got little in return from us.

Love is long-term. It's one thing to do a loving act a time or two, but it's far more to love over and over, year after year. Too many people go into marriage thinking there is an expiration date on their need to love. But real love lasts and endures through even the worst.

Love isn't selfish. Love isn't done for what we'll get in return, how we'll look or to have good feelings. Love totally focuses on another for their good. That means that sometimes we have to have tough love or set up boundaries with people. We do even those hard things because we love them.

Finally, love is God-directed. The Bible says that God is love so we need to get our strength and direction from the source. If we try to love on our own, we'll mess up. We won't sacrifice, last for long or we'll probably take the glory for ourselves.

So, as Valentine's Day for another year fades, don't let your love wane. Make it richer and stronger and more giving than ever. Love really is the glue that holds us all together.

The power of WE in a marriage

Every time I perform a wedding ceremony I am reminded on that day that this young couple is crossing a line that they can never cross back over.

They are letting go of their single, self-focused lifestyle, habits and preferences to every day blend who they are with another person who is likely quite different. No longer are their finances or time or ways of doing things solely their own.

When they say "I do" and recite their vows they are essentially giving up some of their individuality to be replaced with living in the WE.  Yes, they still remain people with their own personalities, interests and styles. Those things can brings a richness and flavor to the life of the other and vice versa.

But as many couples do not understand, it's not you or me anymore, it's WE.  We now have money, a house, children, hopes and dreams together. When our views on those things differ or conflict, WE have to work them out.  When we dream about a personal interest or goal WE still have to think it through together. We now must learn to hear and understand the dreams of the other before we simply go off to do our own.

I talk to couples all the time who think of their money, work, time and leisure in terms of MY instead of US.  That kind of thinking will devastate a marriage.

So what are some common habits and actions of couples who think in terms of WE:

1. They talk about their decisions together before they make them. They treat one another with respect by asking each other's opinions, considering the consequences on the other of any action or choice and are willing to back down when the other person shares a good reason for not doing something.

2. They do things together all the time. No, not exclusively. There is lots of room for invididual time and interests. But they refuse to live as though they are just two nice people living under the same roof.

3. They don't act possessive about anything. They believe that "what's yours is mine and what is mine is yours."  There is simply no hoarding or guarding of one's stuff. It just doesn't matter.

4. They don't have secrets about their money, possessions or purchases. Everything is done and bought with the blessing and oversight of the other. One may have the permission and blessing to buy certain things on a regular basis but that decision is also made together.

So what's the atmosphere like in your home? Is it a place of WE or ME.  Aim high in your marriage and make it a place where WE is celebrated. It's the best way.

Something Fundamental Missing in Most Troubled Marriages

Remember your wedding day?  Can you still recite your vows?  Whether you know them word for word, you probably recall promising to love, cherish, and honor each other until the day you died. You meant well. You hoped that would happen and more.

But many of us know that things change. And while we still try to love each other we know there are way more fights or at least major disagreements that often become hurtful and harmful. We don't know why we spar over the little stuff or why our spouse irritates us so much.

Well, there are lots of factors when it comes to our conflicts but there is one that is especially worth considering.  It's what I call the Identify Factor. Most of us have a case of mistaken identity. We think that our spouse will fulfill us, do or say enough things everyday that will make us feel whole and important.  And while we should attempt to love our spouses, encourage them and build them up we can never be enough for them.

However, many couples struggle with arguing and fighting over some of the dumbest things. Why? Well, it's often because they are fighting for their worth, not about what restaurant they should go to or whether one of them picked the right outfit for little Suzanna. We go at it with the one love because they are not agreeing with us or telling us about something we might have done better and that only reinforces that, yes, we really aren't OK.

But if you're a Christ follower, you ARE OK in God's eyes. Jesus died so that we could be OK again. And there are five things we must be reminded are always true of us once we join God's family.  Let me tell you what they are: We are loved, we matter, we have purpose, we are forgiven and we're a child of God.

On any given day those things are always true. And since they are then when we approach our spouse to talk and they need to say something difficult to us or we aren't on the same page we don't have to win. We are freer to say tell me more or I'm sorry I responded the way I did or let's figure out how to make the best decision here about the kids (or whatever).


Our messed up identify has all sorts of implications: how we will do our work, how we will react to difficulties and even how we parent. If you've been trying to improve you marriage and have even gotten counseling but can't seem to put any new ideas into place, consider your identity. You just might be mistaken about it. Thankfully, God has a better offer for you.

The Power of A Family That Prays

Jackie and I recently attended a regional prayer conference. It was an excellent gathering time overall with excellent speakers and lots of resources to help individuals and churches make prayer more meaningful and impacting.

However, I noticed something pretty quickly. We were some of the youngest people there and we're not exactly spring chickens anymore, though we'd like to think we are. We're grandparents so you get my point.

I had to wonder why more young adults were not attracted to activities and resources that would help them grow their prayer life. Now let me first say that I know there are many young people who value prayer. One conference's attendance isn't exactly a scientific study. However, I think it's fair to say that prayer in general is sometimes lost in those whose lives are filled with so much more to do and experience.

And I do wonder if our marriages and families aren't hurt in a way because prayer isn't more prominent in our homes. So rather than beat us up or make us feel more guilty, I simply want to offer up some practical reasons for praying more in your home and suggest a few ideas that can help you continue or get started.

First of all, prayer helps keep us focused on what's most important. When we pray for our spouse or children, we're thinking about the things that really matter and God will help keep our minds aimed at what those close to us really need.

Second, prayer will help our family stay strong even in the hard times. Prayer is no magic wand that automatically shields us or our loved ones from harm, illness or even tragedy. But when we pray, we're talking to our Heavenly Father and the Bible does say that prayer makes a difference. Prayer is like adding more fuel to the lives of each person we pray for so that when they need extra endurance, strength or guidance it's there for them to pull from.

Third, prayer helps bring us together. When your spouse knows that you pray over him or her or are praying for them during the day, they feel an extra spirit and soul bond with you. You're touching them in the deep recesses of who they are. In the same way when our kids know that mom and/or dad are praying for them, they feel more loved and important. Why would we not pray if prayer can make us closer?

So, how do we get better at this personal, important and powerful praying for our family? Let me suggest a couple of ideas. One, keep a prayer list that includes what day or days of the week you will pray for your spouse or kids. Lists help us remember. Two, as often as possible pray over or with your spouse or kids before they leave in the morning or when they go to bed at night.

Three, pray for them during the day as you think of them or when there is a particularly big request or need they have at a certain time of the day. Four, make praying about tough issues or situations the norm in your home. Sometimes, stop right in the middle of your discussion and ask God for wisdom.

Finally, use some resources. Stormie (yes that's the name she goes by) O'Martian has written a series of books anchored by one called The Power of A Praying Wife. There's also a similar book about husbands.

My boss, Will Davis, Jr., has written a Pray Big series that includes books on praying for your wife and childen as well. There are lots of other good helps out there. Find them and apply them in your home.

In fact, prayer for our family members is both fun and inspiring. It will humble you and it can change your home. How about starting now if you haven't before? And if you are praying, keep on!

Are Men Most At Fault In Many Marriages?

We've all seen the commercials haven't we? They're everywhere. Whatever the man is doing - trying to handle the finances, drinking beer, watching football with the guys or just doing a project around the house - he's portrayed as an idiot. And some of us are idiots at times! However, I'm confident that a lot more of us, while flawed, are not the dolts that Madison Avenue likes to think we are.

In the same way, marriage books, seminars and other resources can also intentionally or unintentionally make it sound like perhaps us men really do have a lot more going wrong in us than our mates. I received a question in this regard recently and it's a fair one. Are men really more at fault in most marriages or not? My unscientific and personal experience would suggest as a general rule they are not. Marriages falter and splinter for many reasons and the issues typically involve both spouses.

It didn't used to be true fifteen years ago, but I now see as many men by themselves as I do women regarding a struggling marriage. Women can be abusive to men just like men can be towards women. No, it doesn't happen as often, but it still happens. Problems are never just the fault of one person even though sometimes more fault can be placed on one or the other.

If there's an area, however, where we men do tend to struggle and lag behind our wives it's in the area of communication. Women were wired to be more verbal as a rule and using words is often how they process their emotions. We men tend to want to avoid ever telling our real feelings to anyone, especially our spouses, though sometimes we will disguise them behind other words or expressions.

Humorist Dave Barry put it this way: "Open up. Don't assume that she knows what you're thinking. This will be difficult for guys at first, so it would help if you women would try to 'read between the lines' in determining what the guy is trying to communicate.

Guy statement: "Do we have any peanut butter?"
Inner guy meaning: "I hate my job."
Guy statement: "Is this all we have? Crunchy?"
Inner guy meaning: "I'm not sure I want to stay married."

So men, there is a challenge out there for us to do better when it comes to interacting with the most important person in our world other than God. We're not dorks and we're not idiots. In fact, God has designed US to be the initiators of the things that make marriages healthy including communicating. We need to lead the way even if leading means finding help from someone else in learning how to communicate more effectively.

However, ideally it's when both spouses, while understanding the differences between men and women, make time to communicate, take interest in what the other person feels and needs, and speak with words of life (Proverbs 18:21). It will take practice to get good at this. It will require patience and understanding from both spouses. But the result will be worth it and you will enhance your intimacy of soul when you talk more freely, honestly and safely.

So start with listening to the other person and identifying their feelings. Don't blame or defend, just listen. See if you can say back to them what they are really going through. And if you're the one sharing your heart then make sure the person really gets it before you move on.

Then ask the person what they need from you that would help them feel less that way. What do you need right now from me, honey, that would help you feel less overwhelmed about handling the kids? Or what do you need from me that would help you feel less hurt next time?

Start somewhere and start soon. Maybe then Madison avenue will treat us guys a bit more fairly in those commercials. And then, maybe not.