Why Your Marriage May Be Getting Stale Without You Knowing It

Have you ever headed to the refrigerator anticipating a cold drink of milk or juice, a crisp piece of fruit or a crunchy vegetable. Or maybe your more decadent taste buds were already salivating as you thought about that one piece of pie or other dessert still there.

But when you went to take that first drink or bite, you knew in an instant your choice was no good anymore. The delicious flavor had lost out to time. Nothing would save it and you threw it all away.

Things get stale, deteriorate if left alone, even in an environment designed to keep them fresh a little longer like a refrigerator. And so do marriages. Without attention, care and intentional feeding our relationship, though perhaps in a relatively healthy environment can become pungent and lose its flavor if we don't make caring for it a priority.

We get busy, focused on our kids or parents, run ragged at our job, overwhelmed by too many commitments and don't notice the deteriorating relationship with our spouse.

And if we don't stop and re-evaluate, shore up our time, intimacy and connecting as a couple, the results may approach being irreversible like that piece of fruit that has lost all its flavor and shape.

So what do we do to keep a marriage fresh?

Of course, there are hundreds of ideas that can help, some working for one couple, different ones being effective for others.

But let me repeat a few general guidelines:

Take inventory. Get away or take an evening or two now and then and admit how you're doing or not doing. Be honest. Ask each other, How do you think I've been doing as a spouse the last few months? Be lovingly ruthless and admit it if you've gotten distracted. Talk about what the two of you might work on to put some focus back on yourselves.

Add margin. You will never enrich your relationship if you don't make time for it. I can't tell you specifically what to do but I can pretty much guarantee that you'll need to cut something  -  attending so many kids' activities, not volunteering as much, letting go of some overtime, you decide. But it will be worth it. Is anything worth losing the most important relationship, apart from God, that you'll have in this life?

Do some planning together. Think about some things that you both would enjoy doing that you're not going to wait to do until after you retire. You can't do them all, but how about some of them?  A trip, weekend away, take a class, do a missions trip, a cruise, etc.

Marriages left alone don't stay healthy and vibrant. And we can't blame when they do on nature alone. It's our choice to keep our relationship strong, exciting and always growing. Check your marriage refrigerator often.  That can save you a lot of surprises and disappointments.

Marriage: The Important Three Circles of Connecting

If you were to ask most married couples how and when they spend time with each other (if they do) they would likely tell you about an activity or meeting together that falls into one of three options. Some would say, Well, we connect and communicate as we go through our day - phone calls, texts, little conversations here and there.

Others would say that they plan periodic meals out, parts of a day together, an evening alone at home here and there. Unfortunately most couples these days admit that these times are just that - periodic - and they wish they did them more often but they just don't make or have the time.

Or a few, and this number is usually less than the other two choices, say that once or twice a year they actually get away from home, go on a couples' trip, tack on some days after a conference or business trip or celebrate a special anniversary, birthday, etc. with just the two of them.

What I'd like to suggest is that healthy marriages intentionally include all three.  Why do we need the Trifecta of Connection?  Because they each  accomplish something unique and just doing one or two of the others will still omit some key ingredients in marriage that are important to the solid marriage recipe.

For example, the getaways are times when you can finally let go of some of the pressures of everyday life, think more long-term and actually do some serious brainstorming, planning and yes, praying. Companies make time for this and so do many growing churches. Why not couples and families? Longer periods of time also help us relax and enjoy each other in ways that we just don't when we're time strapped.

But those meals, afternoons, days together, etc. are also important. They're the fertile soil for you to talk about current feelings, challenges, dreams and potential changes. These times let the other person know that they're not just a passing ship in the night or merely one of the supervisory team at home. These moments continue to cement the idea in each other that you really do still matter even when life gets crazy.  Leaving these regular events out will cause serious questions to arise in each other about how important you are in the big picture.

And of course, the daily, quick connections are important and usually not a problem for most couples. But they take on a little less challenge and urgency when you and your spouse are connecting in the two other ways as well.

I encourage couples to think of three circles of connecting.and to include all three as priorities.

                                       Big Events/Getaways      Regular         Every Day


Of course the every day circle should include the most connections. The regular events need to be well . . .   regular, ideally at times that you guard carefully.  And finally, the big events will only happen on a very limited basis. But they complement each other and will all add communicating and connecting to your marriage that will be life giving to your relationship for years to come! What area do you need to shore up next?

The Best Stage in Your Marriage? How about NOW?

I've not counted how many couples I've counseled over the years but there is a malady that I have seen in most of them when they are struggling. It's not typically the main or root cause but it certainly adds to their challenges.

The difficulty? One or both of them live in the past or the future, not the now. They bemoan the fact that their marriage, health, activity level, finances or stage of life isn't what it used to be. They live in the past. Or they constantly talk about (and gripe) about not being where they had hoped they would be. These couples live in the future.

It's a black hole that will never get filled.

After nearly four decades of marriage, certainly an imperfect one, I know that we've tried our hardest to make the best time in our marriage right now. Sure we've made some great memories. We hope there will be many more. And yes we've had our struggles as a couple and individually and we pray there won't be as many of those.

But if we've done anything right it's that we've made enjoying the present something we embrace and appreciate no matter the circumstances. One of the ways we do that is we explore the world around us together. We've not had to live in too many places but we've always found things to do together. Not everything, but a lot of things.

Whether we've lived in Michigan, Illinois or Texas we've poked around to find fun things to do and enjoy together. And at each of those stages our kids and now grandkids have lived in different settings. Most of the time they haven't been close. For five years though our daughter and her family were nearby. Now we're nearer our son. We've tried to make each situation work.

Sometimes our work environment was going well, other times we struggled. We embraced it all. We didn't like it all the time but we made the most of it and didn't dream of past or future as something better. The apostle Paul speaks of learning to be content in whatever circumstances we're in. That is powerful advice and certainly makes for a better and stronger marriage.

Living in the past or future also kills healthy communication with a spouse. We start bringing up past mistakes as tools for punishment of the other rather than dealing with the current struggle. We must learn to speak only in the here and now and if we live that way it will be more natural.

So whatever your age or circumstances spend a bit more time, energy and conversation on what you have NOW. Enjoy it, embrace it, relish it. God's given you some moments that you'll never have again. Don't cheapen them by wishing they were something else.

Some New Year Challenges For Your Marriage

I don't know what your specific marriage needs but after several decades of counseling and being married I have a pretty good idea what every marriage needs. Like a great golf swing, recipe or piano sonata, doing anything well always require certain foundational skills and ingredients.

Individuality must be layered over a strong foundation.

So here are a few of those less-talked-about marriage components that you might consider for work on during your new year. And no matter how well any of us are doing we can all improve. In fact continually working on our relationship is what will keep us going for a lifetime.

First, improve the little things that can end up big things. For example, speak more kindly in the every day moments. If you have a habit of speaking abruptly or without much feeling, work on getting a little softer and adding some understanding and emotion.

Give compliments more often, help out where you normally would not and surprise your spouse with some kindness. Commit to pray for the other every day even if you don't talk about it. Small changes now can make for huge differences years from now.

Second, make more time for each other. Plan (together) some time away and add some regular down time for just the two of  you. You may have to leave some things out but who cares?  They're probably not that important. If  you have kids it will be important that they too see you make each other a priority. As I've said in other posts, the number one cause of marital discord is when couples quit acting like friends.

And husbands be sure you join in on the planning.  Letting your wife put together a trip and you just going along for the ride misses out on the intimacy occurs when you work in tandem.

Third, get out of debt. This topic requires whole posts and even books full of discussion but the concept is simple. Too many couples today are swimming in loans and payments that steal from their marriage and home. Start the process of downsizing, limiting your expenditures and saving. Read a book or two by Dave Ramsey or Ron Blue for specific help.

Start somewhere to save, give to God and to invest for your future. 

Fourth, reach a new height or two in your faith. Don't just let your faith become a routine. Stimulate your relationship with God through a mission trip, new Bible study, personal growth plan, accountability partner or other service opportunity. Following Christ is also about growing, changing and becoming. It won't happen by itself.

Don't let this new year just slip away and be another year in your relationship. Start today making it the best year so far doing it one step at a time.

Don't Miss The Warning Signs Before Marriage

John and Alice were so in love.  They couldn't wait to get married.  They'd known each other for a good while and everyone expected marriage was a given. They had a date planned for a wedding in about a year and were just beginning to put some details in place for their special day.

Nothing in their minds could keep them from committing to spend the rest of their lives together.

Sure there were a few things that irritated John. For one thing Alice spent nearly an hour every day on the phone with her mom. But they were probably also talking about wedding details so that didn't seem like a big deal.

He did notice that Alice's dad was pretty quiet and never said much but he was nice nonetheless and he and John's future mother-in-law seemed to get along well.

John did wonder from time to time about Alice's continued connection to an old boyfriend, but they just seemed to be good friends and John liked the guy too, so what was the big deal? Alice would often tell John that she wished he was a little more like Alex the former boyfriend, but she was just trying to help John, right?

But five years later, John began to wonder if he should have noticed some of Alice's tendencies, actions and habits. No, there would never be a perfect wife but had he missed some warning signs that would have told him about potential big problems later.

Because now, Alice continues to put more stock in her mother's views than his. Alice still sneaks around texting Alex, keeping their "friendship" going but not telling John. And to this day John has still never felt any respect or deep affection from Alice. She continues to belittle him about most everything and they have little intimacy of body, soul or spirit. He wonders if that's really the way her dad is.

When I deal with couples in marriage counseling, I have found (and so have they) that there were almost always signs during the dating phase of their relationship of potentially bad things to come.  But instead of talking about them, exploring more and even deciding not to marry the couples simply ignored the signs and hoped things would change or never show up at all.

Of course we must understand that we can never know our spouse completely when we marry. People change and so do circumstances. The covenant we make at the altar must endure beyond good feelings and be lived out through two imperfect people.

But there are warning signs that may also tell us this marriage shouldn't happen, that there are qualities, habits or attitudes in the other person or their family that will not help that marriage be a healthy and godly one. Do not ignore them.  You must explore them, talk through them with a qualified pastor or counselor and prayerfully consider whether the marriage will work and be fruitful.  A spouse who is not willing to look deeply within themselves is going to have trouble with honesty and authenticity later.

Some potential areas of concern to watch for are: unhealthy relationships or connections with parents or other family, unresolved abuse issues, strange marriage role perspectives, distorted views toward the opposite sex, unaddressed fear and anxiety concerns, distorted ideas concerning money, children or God.

So what does a person or couple do to avoid trouble later. First, take notice of the signs.  It may just start as a bad feeling but don't ignore it. Explore, get wisdom, find out more.

Second, talk about it with the other person.  Most of the time you need to get someone else involved who will help you both look honestly at your concern to determine if it's anything significant. This is why quality premarital counseling is essential!

Third, be willing to postpone your wedding or break up. There are far worse things one of them being sitting in an office like mine years later in despair with little hope knowing you made a big mistake and those hidden problems are now major problems for your relationship.

Marriage can be wonderful and it's always a growing, learning, giving and sacrificial commitment and covenant. But marriages with unrevealed disease and dysfunction are usually doomed to die a slow death. Don't miss the signs.  They're usually more obvious than you think.

The Best Defense Isn't Usually Helpful in Marriage

If you follow sports at all you know that sometimes great defense wins games. Stopping the other person from scoring points or goals is often what helps the offense the most.

But in marriage defensive responding is rarely helpful. Playing defense usually means several things happen often in a marriage: one or both spouses rarely think they are wrong, neither are willing to look at their own issues and most conflict ends in stalemates, hurt and anger.

And yet many couples go to defensiveness immediately when they feel threatened or there is a chance they are wrong. Rather than explore how they might have hurt or let the other person down, they frantically hope to make their case for themselves.

For some this reaction came from their childhood where they were often told they were wrong or could never measure up. For others they're just competitive and always want to win.  Whatever the cause, playing defense has to go in a marriage. That doesn't mean that there is never a place for explaining yourself or getting the facts straight.

But let's walk through the process that a defensive spouse often faces and find a better way.

First, they hear something that potentially makes them look bad, have to admit an error or lack of judgment. That usually causes anger, panic or despair to well up within so they must do something to fight back.

Second, they begin to explain away their action, hoping to convince the other person that they aren't so bad or didn't do anything wrong.

Third, the other person continues to make their point. The arguing continues and both now try to win the battle.  They're playing defense and as a reult become offensive.  This never works.

The answer?  Don't explain, explore. Be willing to ask the other person how what you did made them feel and what you could have done differently. This isn't an admission of guilt. It's an acceptance of your own mistake and an understanding that your worth is not on the the line (See other posts I've written on this.).

Play more appropriate offense where you work at trying to understand and restore the relationship.

You see a great defense never wins the marriage game.

Great Marriages Require Significant Investment

The Wall Street Journal recently reported the costs for a typical wedding dropped by 32% during the recent recessionary times. Wow, sounds like the wedding business is in serious trouble right?  Well, consider that the drop means that the average wedding costs plummeted from $28,730 to a mere $19, 581 between 2007 and 2009. I guess we should all be encouraged that in 2012 it went back up to over $25K per wedding.

Now I suppose that if people have the money they should be free to spend whatever they want on their special day and arguments to the contrary are for some others to discuss. What concerns me is that based on the hundreds of couples I've worked with in marriage counseling over the years, very few people are spending that kind of money on their marriage even over years of matrimony.

In other words, too many spouses don't think it necessary to continue to significantly invest in themselves as a married couple. Their money and time soon go only to work, adding to their estate, caring for their children and pursuing individual hobbies and goals.

But like anything of value we must consistently ask ourselves what we're doing to make sure it holds its value.  How and where can we invest in the most significant relationship we have if we're married?

First, invest TIME. We must simply make sure that we have face-to-face time with each other on a regular basis, time that is uninterrupted and unimpeded as much as possible. As circumstances change (for example, children are born) we will have to get more creative with this but it can be done. Plan getaways and other special opportunities for just the two of you. In our marriage we have found it helpful to have a morning, evening or day of the week that is typically just for us.

Second, invest in PLANNING.  I've mentioned this in other posts but when you plan to together you also dream, have fun and get into each others hearts. You find out what is really important to the other person and get a chance to see them live out some things they really enjoy.  On a recent trip to Alaska I even learned that my wife had an even more special interest in photography than I'd know before and that led to getting her a better camera, lenses and other learning tools. It's been fun to watch her enjoy all that.

Third, invest in SERVING others together. Yes, it's time spent but it's also focusing on others. And when we do that we grow ourselves, become deeper people doing things that matter for eternity not just the present.

I'm sure you can think of other ways to invest in each other. The important thing is that you make regular deposits in your relationship. Trust me, the dividends will multiply for years to come, no matter what the economy is looking like!

The power of WE in a marriage

Every time I perform a wedding ceremony I am reminded on that day that this young couple is crossing a line that they can never cross back over.

They are letting go of their single, self-focused lifestyle, habits and preferences to every day blend who they are with another person who is likely quite different. No longer are their finances or time or ways of doing things solely their own.

When they say "I do" and recite their vows they are essentially giving up some of their individuality to be replaced with living in the WE.  Yes, they still remain people with their own personalities, interests and styles. Those things can brings a richness and flavor to the life of the other and vice versa.

But as many couples do not understand, it's not you or me anymore, it's WE.  We now have money, a house, children, hopes and dreams together. When our views on those things differ or conflict, WE have to work them out.  When we dream about a personal interest or goal WE still have to think it through together. We now must learn to hear and understand the dreams of the other before we simply go off to do our own.

I talk to couples all the time who think of their money, work, time and leisure in terms of MY instead of US.  That kind of thinking will devastate a marriage.

So what are some common habits and actions of couples who think in terms of WE:

1. They talk about their decisions together before they make them. They treat one another with respect by asking each other's opinions, considering the consequences on the other of any action or choice and are willing to back down when the other person shares a good reason for not doing something.

2. They do things together all the time. No, not exclusively. There is lots of room for invididual time and interests. But they refuse to live as though they are just two nice people living under the same roof.

3. They don't act possessive about anything. They believe that "what's yours is mine and what is mine is yours."  There is simply no hoarding or guarding of one's stuff. It just doesn't matter.

4. They don't have secrets about their money, possessions or purchases. Everything is done and bought with the blessing and oversight of the other. One may have the permission and blessing to buy certain things on a regular basis but that decision is also made together.

So what's the atmosphere like in your home? Is it a place of WE or ME.  Aim high in your marriage and make it a place where WE is celebrated. It's the best way.

Celebrating Your Marrige Every Day

Today is our thirty-fifth wedding anniversary!  On the one hand it seems like we've been married forever (we've been married much longer than we were single!).  Other times though we wonder where all those years went.

We have usually enjoyed celebrating  in pretty simple ways each year - a quiet dinner, a weekend away, tickets to a concert. We've never needed a lot of fancy things. We're still wearing the same rings that we put on June 26th, 1976. Jackie is wonderfully creative so I've enjoyed many handmade cards and gifts. She unfortunately is married to a not so handy person so I buy the classic card or small gift punctuated by a song I've written now and then for extra special years.  I can write music, but my presents never equal hers!

We did celebrate twenty-five years with a dream trip to Austria and Switzerland and just returned from an awesome land/cruise to Alaska for thirty-five. At this point in life we're thinking we had better do a few more bigger trips or we're going to run out of time to finish our bucket list.

However, whatever ways you and your spouse choose to celebrate anniversaries I want to challenge you to in a sense celebrate your love every day. No, not with chocolates, roses, trips or concert tickets. But more with little, thoughtful acts of kindness and love that let one another know again and again they are loved and special.

And usually couples sort of develop and negotiate these over time and they differ from marriage to marriage.  For example, we often sit together on the couch with my legs on hers or vice versa. We surprise each other with a treat we know the other person likes. We do something tangible that the other person might not care to do - put gas in the car, iron a shirt, or kill a spider. Those are all little touches of love.

As a pastor I'm busy a lot on weekends but as much as possible I try to sit with Jackie during one of the services unless I'm teaching. (I'm teaching on our anniversary today by the way - what else is new?)  We make one day a week available to each other to just be together, often doing something special, sometimes running errands.  The point is that it's just us and it reminds us of our commitment to each other.

We say "I love you" a lot and speak with respect even when we have conflict. We try never to talk negatively about the other person outside our home. We try not to let irritations simmer.  We say thank you and I appreciate all you do and that sort of thing in everyday moments.

We've been far from perfect all these years but we do know this, marriages hang together for long periods of time when love is expressed is some way most every day.  What little loving habits do you have or could you develop?

You'll have to come up with what works and impacts each other best in your relationship.  But don't merely wait for the big days and the major anniversaries. Yes, plan for those, celebrate and have fun. But share some of your love every day and you'll more likely celebrate more and more of those major milestones together year after year.

How To Make Your Marriage Last - Part 1

My wife Jackie and I just returned from a twelve -day thirty-fifth anniversary trip to Alaska.  No, we don't do big trips like that very often but certain special anniversaries have encouraged us to try something a little grander now and then.

How do you have a marriage that lasts thirty-five years or more?  I met a couple the other day who'd been married sixty years!  I felt like a marital youngster at that point.  But I too had to ask myself how will we make it another 25 years if we live that long?  I'm not totally sure.  There aren't any simple recipes, I know that. Everyone's life experiences, personalities and families will bring different dynamics to a marriage.

All I've got to offer are a couple of observations, perhaps even significant enough to be principles, that will at least increase your chances to have a marriage that lasts till death do you part.  Since there are quite a few I'll do some this time and add a few more in my next post.  Here we go:

First, renew your commitment to each other by your actions every day.  Living out a marriage happens one decision, one choice, one action and one experience at a time. Yes, at the altar we make a public commitment but we make private ones daily and those are what keep us going. Choose to love, to act responsibly, to give to the other person over and over. Even in the middle of conflict we can respond in ways that are healthy, positive and godly choices. They're not always easy responses but they must be the fuel for our ongoing commitment.

Which leads me to number two: deal with conflict and deal with it well.  We joke all the time that we've been married thirty-five years (or whatever number it is at the moment) and they've been thirty-two of the happiest years of our lives.  Hmm . . . that means there are three years or so that weren't happy.  Yep, that's probably true  . . . the rough moments came one hour or day at a time.

And maybe the number is more or less for you but there will be conflict and unhappy days. How do you handle it well?  Learn to communicate in healthy ways.  And if you don't know how get some help. Read books or go to some of my earlier blogs on communication. Get counseling.  Don't settle for excuses like, "That's just the way I am, " or "My parents fought this way all the time and it worked out for them."  If your conflict resolution is destructive or at best harmful, fix it.

Also admit it when you're wrong. No one is right all the time and no one needs to be right all the time. Tell the truth, admit your weaknesses . . .it's part of being intimate with the other person.  And learn to listen, understand and be patient.  You must be relentless about getting into the soul of the other person.

A third principle is: make time together a high priority no matter what stage of life you're in. We can argue that having kids or a challenging job or greater family responsibilities won't afford us the time. You can't afford NOT to take the time to be together. Of course it will vary and change depending upon your family circumstances but if you want your marriage to last you cannot let time with each other slide.

Have lunches, do things you both enjoy, find a hobby, talk and take big vacations now and then.  If we don't invest in our marriages we won't see a positive return down the road.  I hope you'll have some twenty-five, thirty-five and longer celebrations of your own.

Is There a ME in Marriage?

There's a billboard near our house advertising diamonds that says, "She'll owe you big time!"  Of course the idea is that if he buys her their beautiful diamond engagement ring she will be somehow obligated to him later. He'll get something in return for him. Wow. Really?  Now there's a great motive for marriage.

On the other hand, it's a fair question to ask, "When people marry do they totally give up themselves?  Is there no place for ME in my marriage?"  Or to use the old cliche-laden idea, there is an "I" in marriage, isn't there?

Well, as presidents so often like to say, let me be perfectly clear.  Marriages won't make it and really aren't much of a marriage if either or both partners is more concerned about themselves than the other person.  Marriage is truly a union, a spiritual union as I see it, that is more than two people signing a paper, living in the same house and having sex.

It requires an understanding and acting out of sacrificial love, care for each other, the willingness to share hopes, dreams, finances and the future. It involves an emotional and spiritual meshing of two lives where they become better and stronger as one than they ever were separate.

However, they do not and cannot lose their individuality.  Married people don't and shouldn't become some amorphous blob where each person disappears. Let me suggest several ME actions that we as spouses must take if we want to keep our marriages thriving, healthy and growing.

First, we must continue to do those things that fill ME up emotionally, spiritually and physically.  Some of those things we may do together as couples but some we may not.  We need time to think, to read, to ponder, to relax and to plan. When our "tank" is empty we then have less to give to the other person.

Second, we must have freedom and a forum to express ME thoughts and emotions.  This is one that both spouses must encourage, welcome and embrace for the other. Too many couples make little time or rarely give permission for their spouse to be honest, authentic and struggle emotionally.  Some spouses treat other out there ideas from their partner as silly and unrealistic. We're often pretty lame at listening and understanding each other.

Third, we must protect ME if abusive or dangerous situations arise because of our spouse.  There's nothing noble or loving about staying in a home where your life is in danger. In a healthy marriage people don't just take it when things become critical.

Fourth, we must keep affirming our own worth and value.  We may not feel lovable, smart or that we have purpose but we do matter in spite of our past or current circumstances. We may not deserve it in human terms but God's love is bigger than our weaknesses.  Jesus said we must love others as we love ourselves. So we must learn to love ourselves as He loves us, not in some arrogant way but with humble thanks.

In fact, when we feel more confident about who we are we demand less that the other person somehow make us feel good enough.

So you see there is an "I" in marriage and it is worth thinking about ME.  It fact it's vital and important. Just don't make everything at home about ME.  Then you just become a pain.

Are You Doing HOME Maintenance?

We just experienced extended, freezing temperatures in Austin, TX. That doesn't happen very often. We even got an inch of snow, the kind of thing that only shows up once or twice a decade! Unfortunately a lot of homes and their owners weren't prepared for these unusual stresses.

As a result, pipes froze and broke. And before long what started as a slow leak turned into a major flood and some unfortunate damage occurred for some.

The same can be true in families. They don't prepare well, haven't provided the kind of insulation and warmth their homes need and let slip some of the important emotional maintenance that should have been taking place all along.  And if they're not careful, the drip, drip, drip of family or spousal concerns can become a damaging flood that no one saw coming.

So, while we can't avoid family struggles and concerns, we can at least do our best to manage and maintain.  How?  Well, don't get apathetic.  Don't assume everyone's just fine. Listen to each other, take inventory now and then, ask some questions.  Sometimes just spending meaningful, focused time with your spouse and/or kids will help you know what's going on and what needs attention.

Anticipate the potential problems.  A lot of people where we live found out they didn't know where the water shut off valve was and when the flooding started were in big trouble. Have you determined what you will do in a crisis?  Do people in your family see you as a cool cucumber when stress comes or are you the one who freaks out every time something goes even slightly wrong?  Do you have some helpful valves so to speak that will help deal with anger, disappointment, and even tragedy?

Do you have  resources and people who you can call on to help you through the hard times?

Keep learning. None of us has all the answers. Our community shared a lot of ideas through an email connection I happen to facilitate when the problems started happening.  We all learned a lot, some the hard way.  Nonetheless, I think everyone knows now that we need to be a bit more intentional about learning what we can in the still water (excuse the pun) before we hit the rough waters.

So keep reading, listening, and gaining from the insights of other wise people about marriage and parenting.  Grow your soul through your relationship with God and spend time with others who have walked the path before you.

And when a family pipe bursts at your house maybe you'll be a bit more ready next time. Or perhaps you'll have done enough to keep it from happening in the first place! 

When Your Marriage Is In Trouble

Divorce happens. It's real. Sometimes it's unavoidable when one person isn't willing to work on their part of the marriage anymore or a spouse just leaves or it becomes dangerous to stay. But perhaps more tragic is when there truly is some hope, things could be fixed and the couple just decides to give up because it's too hard or "I've tried too long" or they never really knew how much better things could be.

And if you've been divorced my thoughts today aren't about beating you up for your circumstances or decisions. Most every family today has been directly or indirectly impacted by divorce including my own. And like I've already suggested there are myriad reasons, situations and individuals involved in hurting marriages and why people ultimately divorce these days. There are no easy answers.

However, I do want to ask couples who might be in trouble to at least ponder a few key thoughts before they would ever decide to divorce or even explore it as an option. First, have you done your part to make things better?  I counsel with many couples and so often the discussion centers around what the other person has done or continues to do.  "If he (or she) just wouldn't ____________, our marriage would be great."  If you each own your own part of the problems you'll lower some of the angst right at the outset and maybe be able to see a possible resolution.

Second, have you together taken advantage of every resource available to help you make it?  Counseling, books (I Don't Want A Divorce is a great one), mentoring, conferences, and the like all have the potential to help you sort through the issues that are putting the most strain on your relationship.  Some of you may say, "Well, we don't have the time or money for all of that."  My response is, "You can't afford NOT to do some of those things! The consequences can be dreadful and lifechanging."

Third, ask yourself, "How much of our thinking has been influenced by the world around us and the media?"  Television, some talk radio and movies glamorize and laugh at broken relationships while modeling that most of the culture is single, runs around and loves every minute of it. Think of a favorite drama or sitcom where the leads are married and much less happily married.  There aren't many. Don't buy into the fantasy that just getting divorced and living as your own person again is the answer.  Hollywood wants us to believe that but it's not.  Look at the lives of most of the actors.

Finally, consider where you and your spouse are spiritually.  Do you pray for each other?  Have you committed to pray about your marriage for an extended time? Do you both have a personal relationship with God? Does your faith impact how you treat each other?  This can become a time when you both get drawn back to God or to Him for the first time.  When you have Christ living in you, you have greater resources to draw from when times are difficult and you don't look to your spouse as much to be your source of life, worth and value.

So if you're sensing or even overwhelmed with marital problems, will you at least make sure you've done everything you can first to make it?  Your kids (if you have them) need a loving mom and dad who are together if possible and there is a better way.  Let someone and God help you. Keep climbing.

Speaking Each Other's Language at Home

I was recently in another church for a wedding and decided to glance through their song book.  Some of the titles were, When Cain Killed Abel, God Weeps and Crossing Waters At Creation.  I'm not making those up. I had to wonder how those songs could even be close to worshipful or uplifting.  They wouldn't work for me I'm sure.

However, maybe they do inspire the people at the church.  I'll probably never know.  And if I happened to mention one of your favorites - sorry.  But I'm confident of this - the people at that church or at least who wrote that hymnal speak (or sing) with language that I don't get.

I'm pretty sure that happens in families too. We think we're communicating well or using terms and phrases others get but often we're mistaken.  We assume from their nods or apparent assent that they're totally tracking with us but it's important that we find out.

Do we use words that are simply too complicated for our young children? Do we talk to our spouse with a lot of work language, man/woman focused talk or in generalities that really don't say much?  It's possible.  Do we try to connect with our teens in their language but we really don't have the concepts correct?

How do we know if we're on track or not?  First, if we have young children ask your spouse or someone else who can observe your interactions. They'll probably be able to tell by observing and can give you suggestions.  For spouses and teens try asking them.  Tell them to be ruthlessly honest but ask, "Is that making sense?"  Or, "Do I ever use language that you don't get?  It's ok.  You won't get in trouble if you say 'yes.'"

And with your spouse you can obviously go further and deeper.  "What do you need more of from me when we communicate?  How am I doing when we talk together?"  You can learn a lot and you'll figure out some things you need to do better.  Don't fear the responses.  You won't die.  And you'll learn to connect with your family members in ways that will pay terrific dividends later.

The Games Couples Play

I'm doing a wedding this fall and I asked the couple what time the wedding would start. Their response was, "As soon as the Texas/OU game is over."

I guess we know what most of the wedding party will be doing before the wedding starts!

Their comment reminded me that any of us who are married can allow our relationship to wane through an inordinate amount of time given to the hobbies, favorite activities and personal interests of one or both of them.  Now there's noting wrong with college football, gardening, shopping or working on your hot rod provided those things are done in moderation and not at the expense of your connecting time.

But some of us need to take personal inventory about how much time, energy and money is going out the door while one or both of the persons in the marriage are obsessing about their golf game, musical interests or the Internet.

So, when is a personal interest, "game," or hobby too much in a marrige? 

First, when it becomes more important than protecting the basic components of a healthy relationship.  When you have time for your activity but won't or can't make time to talk, spend time together or deal with issues, you need to cut back or quit the extras.  In fact, for many their interest becomes a diversion, excuse and escape from meeting their responsibilities or working through problems.

Second, when that activity is simply unwise from a time, cost or emotional standpoint.  Let's say your hobby requires eight hours a week.  That's four hundred hours a year or two thousand hours in 5 years.  Was the enjoyment you got or the sense of fulfillment you received worth that amount of time?  Maybe.  But maybe not.  What else could you have enhanced in your marriage, family or community by giving even half of those hours away to a better endeavor?

I wonder how many marriages simply wilted because one or both spouses didn't water their relationship with enough meaningful time doing things that matter most.

Third, when you can't live without it, or at least you think you can't.  When you wake up thinking about your next time of involvement, when you ponder how to be better at it even  during the night or when that's all you talk about you're probably in trouble.  The classic comment of the addict is, "I can stop any time." Really?  Then try it and see.  Because if you can't go without it that means you've put your obsession before everything even if you don't think you have.

And if you're still not sure, ask your spouse or a friend.  They can often be the mirror you need to see that your hobby or whatever really has become your life.  And when it's your life then it's also stealing life from you, experiences and relationships that someday you'll wish you had made time for.  

Are the games getting in the way of a healthy marriage for you?  If so, you'll need to start with a fast and de-tox so to speak, proving to yourself that there are better things to give your life to.  It doesn't mean you can't ever do that activity.  But you'll begin to control it rather than it controlling you.  And trust me - your spouse will know the difference.

Don't Even Come Close To An Affair

This week I've run into two more marriages and families that are on the ropes because of affairs. And I'm sad every time as I see the tears and feel the despair the wounded spouse faces when they learn of the betrayal and accompanying deception. I pray for the children who are often involved, many of them old enough to understand and feel the sting of their parent's mistakes.

I wish I could take away their anger, confusion and bitterness over what has happened between the two people they loved the most. I wish I could shorten the road ahead of them. But I can't. Even when a couple is willing to do the hard work of restoration, forgiveness and repair, the journey must be a fairly long one. The scars do not heal quickly and trust is not easily returned.

The patterns that the affair brought to light are usually difficult to change. The underlying issues must be probed and the couple must face that there were significant weaknesses in their marriage as well. That's pretty hard, especially for the wounded spouse whose insides have just been torn out.

But this post is about prevention not the cure. I only mention the steep road that follows an affair to perhaps give us all pause so that we won't go there.

What does it take to keep an affair from injuring and perhaps destroying your marriage? Unfortunately there are no 1-2-3 step plans with guarantees but there are some basic attitudes and actions that marriages who stay strong enlist on a regular basis.

First of all, avoid one-on-one opposite sex relationships - period. I'm convinced that non-married men and women cannot have exclusive friendship, work or ministry relationships. I know I'll get heat on this one, but I'm pretty convinced it's true. The reason is that intimacy involves body, soul and spirit. And in a friendship the soul and spirit typically get very close. There is sharing, praying together, building up of one another and the like.

Those are all good things in and of themselves but they become dangerous when the friends are of the opposite sex. Sharing of soul and spirit invite more physical closeness. It's only natural. God wired us that way. So if at all possible (and it usually is) don't be working, eating, friending or ministering alone with someone of the opposite sex. Have others involved and that will help keep inappropriate attractions from happening.

Second, stay accountable to someone who you trust and who will ask you the hard questions. We're all human and can be attracted to someone else even in the best of circumstances. But if you have someone regularly asking you, "Are you attracted to anyone these days?" or "Are you going anywhere or looking at anything you shouldn't? you will not want to have to answer "yes" very often.

Third, build healthy intimacy at home. Don't let activities and kid demands crowd out your intimate time with your spouse. Put time together on the calendar if you have to. Leave some margin in every day to talk, deal with problems and enjoy each other physically. Spend special, uninterrupted time together. Make intimacy at home so attractive other forms of intimacy pale in comparison.

Finally, pray. Pray for yourself, your spouse and for those you will encounter that day. Jesus was of course wise in the Lord's Prayer when he told us to pray about temptation and being delivered of evil. If He could pray it, then we should as well.

Imagine yourself sitting in your living or family room telling your kids that you were unfaithful. That scene alone should scare us enough but it probably won't unless we're proactive in protecting ourselves and our marriage. Don't even come close, OK?

More Thoughts On Technology and Your Home

I love technology. I'm no geek or expert but for someone my age I at least hold my own and use technical advances as much as I'm capable of. I even write on Facebook and use the IM feature! Technology has added much to our learning, leisure and connection abilities that our forefathers couldn't even dream about.

However, too much technology can be harmful. First of all, technology can water down our relationships. On the one hand it's wonderful to connect with a friend from forty years ago who I would likely not see or hear from any other way. But if I become obsessed with those connections and ignores my family then my tech-i-ness becomes a problem. I'm saddened by parents who let their kids text non-stop to their friends while in the car, a restaurant or at the beach.

What's wrong with giving our kids a time for texting and requiring some other times when they must interact with others? A parent told me the other day that they were having trouble with their son texting until late into the night. I suggested that their child turn over the phone to them at a certain time or as they went into their room for bed. They had never thought of that.

Second, technology can steal away memorable moments. As I think back about family moments that I still remember, I realize that most of them came during spontaneous, un-scripted events. But I shudder to think what would have happened in those days (we didn't have cell phones then) if some technological advance like texting or an in-car video had gotten in the way.

Third, technology can become a hiding place. Instead of dealing with hard issues and facing life as it is, our computer or cell phone can turn into a bunker to shield us from getting closer to each other through meaningful, helpful and candid exposure. We adults and our children must learn how to maturely and openly handle the difficult times without anesthetizing them with our electronic gadgets.

Some practical tips? Put a time limit on how long you stay at the computer or online and do not let your children use their technology unceasingly. Show them how to control themselves and give them experiences early on that will teach them the value of relationships.

Periodically fast from technology. Go a whole day, week or month without your tech gadgets except for when it's essential for work.

Tie the use of technology to behaviors, meeting responsibilities and rewards. Whatever you do, make sure you control technology and that the technology in your home doesn't control you.

Energizing Relationships With Your Bucket List

Many have now seen the movie starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman where two older men decide to write lists of things they've always wanted to do before they kick the bucket.  Unfortunately too many people wait to write, much less actually start fulfilling, their bucket list until they're too old or ill.

However, a list of important goals and dreams has the potential to keep both a marriage and family energized, exciting and meaningful as long as we actually do something with the list.

For example, I had always wanted to climb 14,000 foot challenging mountain Longs Peak in Colorado. I had actually done part of it once when I was 11 but my dad and I got altitude sickness and had to go back down. I vowed that someday I would conquer it. When my son was 13 we decided that we would climb at least three 14'ers before he got out of high school. An item on our bucket list.

We ended up starting with (and completing I might add!) Longs and actually did four total with another coming after he was married. Those are memories we will never forget and added a love for the mountains to the lives of our children.

Speaking of mountains I had also dreamed of going to Switzerland and seeing the Matterhorn. On our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary we did just that and had an incredible anniversary trip including five days in Zermatt, the home of that historic mountain.

Bucket list items may be personal, vocational, spiritual or service-oriented. Bucket list items can teach us about faith, determination, thinking of others and risk-taking. They can challenge us to trust God to do things much bigger than we are. Bucket list challenges can cost us something but the investment is usually worth it. We may have to give up something else but why not if the goal is worthwhile?

Our lists can also get us talking about the things that really matter in our lives. They can cause us to focus on how we use our time and spend our money. And planning is half or more of the fun! It's something you and/or your family can do together with great enthusiasm and anticipation.

I just took my fourteenth trip to Russia in September and from those visits I have a goal of spending a year or more someday in Russia, perhaps helping a church, pastor or ministry free of charge. We'll see if that happens but at least I'm thinking about it. It's caused me to try to learn Russian which I love doing.

Somehow, I'd be much less of a person, husband and dad without my list. How about you?

Four Marriage Communication "No-no's"

You see the guidelines all the time . . . things you should never or almost never do . . . to your car, with your clothes, involving electricity and the like. Usually we're smart to heed the warnings of the manufacturers or other experts who give us these cautions.

Psychologist, John Gottman, has suggested four such warnings for married couples when it comes to communicating. I regularly share these with married or pre-married couples. And they're worth using to take some inventory in your own relationship whether you're still newlyweds or been married for over thirty years as we have.

If you want to have impacting and intimate communication in your marriage you need to avoid:

Criticism. No, he's not suggesting that we never mention things we don't like or that we'll agree most of the time. Instead we're to avoid always being critics. Have you ever been around someone who you can never please? You feel like you can't ever win. Do one thing and it's not enough. Do the opposite and it's too much. Are you always the critic? Do you rarely share words of encouragement, thanks and affirmation?

Defensiveness. Many people don't know how to accept being wrong. Suggest that they could do something better or even catch them in the act of a mistake and they always have an excuse: I was tired, I didn't mean it, you just don't understand, or they flat out lie. Defensiveness becomes a roadblock to truly intimate and caring relating which must include some times when we simply say we messed up.

Stonewalling. This is the silent treatment. The offended or wrong party never gets overtly mad. Instead they just won't talk. And that's unfair. But it's a form of control, isn't it? If one person won't communicate, the other person really can't do anything. Unfortunately, nothing gets resolved. I'm sad to say that early in our marriage I did this too much. It never accomplished anything but keep me from dealing with the issue which was I found out later the stronger thing to do. Thankfully over the years I've thankfully improved.

Contempt. If there is a worst one of the four this is it. Contempt is when we specifically attack the other person's character through name-calling, put-downs, cruel comparisons and even looks of disdain. Contempt is the hardest of the four to forgive or take back. Contemptuous words go deep, hurt tremendously and injure the most.

Contempt is often the final nail in the coffin of a marriage. Don't go there.

If any or all of these are a part of your marriage vocabulary get rid of them. Start over, substitute some new words, find healthier alternatives. Talk about your language and hold each other accountable. There are many better choices. Don't risk personal and emotional injuries that could hurt for a long time to come. In fact, if you'd like some more helpful hints go back to some of my first post entries. There are several there about the power of our words.

Breaking the Orbit of Abuse

This is a post I'd rather not write but I must. That's because in spite of the fact that we'd like to think that abuse only happens in marriages and homes that are overtly dysfunctional, that's not true.

Abuse is often a secret. Abusers don't usually abuse other people. Usually it's just their own spouse or kids. Unlike a lot of popular thought abusers can usually look and sound wonderful when they need to. And what spouse wants anyone to think that their home is a mess? Kids who are abused are typically threatened with their life if they tell anyone.

Abusers can be religious, Christian, even church leaders. Sometimes abuse is actually carried out based on erroneous beliefs that their spouse or child is not acting appropriately enough and must be punished accordingly by them. Of course abuse is often physical or sexual, but sometimes it's emotional or verbal making it easier to mask but no less harmful.

And it's wrong to assume that all abusers were abused themselves.

However, it's often difficult to get an abuser to face his or her abuse because they don't believe their actions are abusive. "Oh, I get a little angry now and then," or "Sure, I push the kids hard but I'm just trying to be confident they do their best," or "I was just joking! I'm a kidder, you know," are often the mantras of abusers.

But there's not enough room in a post like this to discuss all the causes, signs and results of abuse. I simply want to talk about breaking the cycle if you sense or know there is abuse in your home. An excellent book by Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That? is worth getting if you're not sure and you need some solid insights and research to help you know. And while this book talks about men who abuse, women are not exempt.

So how do you start to break the cycle once you know there's abuse in your relationship or home? First of all, you must continue to accept that the abuse is real. As I suggested above, abusers are manipulators and they will do everything they can including feign religious conversion to keep you from doing anything to disrupt their control and patterns. Don't assume that because they were able to change for a day, week or month that they will no longer abuse.

Second, get help. You cannot deal with this alone because your perspective is likely skewed. Connect with a counselor, pastor, small group leader or support group to help you take the wisest next steps. If you can get the abuser to become a part of the helping network that's a plus but again remember he (or she) can easily change long enough to pretend that they've really made progress or aren't really that bad.

Third, make safety a high priority. Have a safe place to go if necessary. If you need to leave your home for awhile do it. You may have to call the police and make a statement that you mean business. If your children are being harmed in some way get them out of the situation now, even if it's only temporary. Don't make the mistake of thinking, "Oh, maybe tomorrow night things will be better." They won't be better even if they appear that way.

Fourth, remind yourself often that the abuse is not really about you. No, none of us are perfect, but the abuse being heaped upon you is not your fault. It's the abuser's problem and they will have to deal with it one way or another.

It's essential that you make a move when abuse comes into your home. You can take the first step in breaking this cycle even if it is hard. Start now. Trust God to walk through this with you and to bring the people alongside that you need to help.