The Richness of a Mountain Climb

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My wife Jackie and I just finished a wonderful week with some Texas friends in the mountains of Colorado. And as I typically do I sought out another high mountain to climb before the week ended. One of our friends and I decided to tackle 13000' Notch Mountain, not as popular as the oft-climbed 14ers that we and others typically choose, but a climb with glorious views of Mount of the Holy Cross nonetheless.

But as soon as we began to climb I was reminded again of the rich senses, impressions, thoughts and emotions I would experience and desperately needed, ones that I miss so often in everyday life. Let me share a few.

We began our climb in the dark as the wafting smell of the pines woke my mind and soul to what was yet to come. I couldn't help remember that unique and fresh scent that had so captivated me even as a child. You can't find it just anywhere.

Minutes later the light began to rise in the east and the coming sun appeared as a mountain halo soon to glow like a bright ball of welcomed warmth. It was a special and fleeting moment. And yet  it is easy to miss these simple, mysterious yet wonderful experiences that cannot be bought. I am glad we did not run past this one only eager to conquer our goal.

Soon one sunlit ridge became dozens and it was difficult to take it all in. The majesty of God, always present, seemed inescapable now and we felt again that we had entered a holy place.

But the world of the mountains is rarely one of mere joy. The trail soon became steep, the footing rocky and the air thin. My breathing felt more labored, my legs ached and every step seemed heavy. The switchbacks were relentless and appeared unending for a time. Rocks were ubiquitous and intense concentration was required to continue without injury.

My body was fighting the mountain now and I knew from experience that my mind and spirit must engage my movement and urge me to not quit the climb. My physical energy drained quickly as I sought for something deep within to prevent me from turning around. And yet in the middle of the struggle I felt oddly invigorated discovering an ultimately powerful determination within to keep going and to conquer this huge task in front of us. 

There was a deep passion to overcome that I both hated and welcomed but that I rarely encounter in my daily life. 

I again thought how often I prefer the easy road, the comfortable and the familiar and miss how something greater always grows and changes me. I realized that there is something almost more impacting in the journey, in the climb far beyond reaching the summit.

I learned anew that sometimes, most of the time, the way to overcome our mountains is to just survive one more stretch of the trail even when our lungs burn and our strength seems gone. This is also the time when perhaps God's nearness is felt most, when He both gives us a boost but whispers simultaneously, "Keep going."

But then often comes that special moment when you take those last steps to the summit, with breaths still labored, feet aching but you know you have made it. As I like to say, "The view from the top is worth it." And it was. We experienced another sacred setting with only us, the quiet and God's beautiful creation there as our companions.

When summits are achieved we are free to enjoy them, embrace the thrill of victory stolen from the agony of defeat.

However, we cannot live on the summit. We must go down. That is where life is lived. So we descended, yes with less of the fight against gravity stealing our strength but a new dilemma emerging in the context of our joy at the top.

I found myself even more tired. The glow of summiting remained but I had given so much to persevere on the way up. Different muscles ached and more pain was added to the already strained  sore spots. But isn't life like that? We give and give with God's help to overcome but we have fewer reserves for a while as a result.

So we get emotional In the least likely of times, snap at those we love and dread the idea of another challenge coming too soon. As my legs seemed only to have enough strength to keep moving, my mind nearly erased all I had enjoyed for the past 5+ hours. But this is when we must remember again that God uses mountains and all the good and bad that comes with them to make us better, stronger and deeper people. 

Going down is a key part of the journey and the growing. It's all part of the process of being stretched, molded and made better.

I read recently that we would be wiser to spend more of our money on experiences and less on things. Another mountain climb affirmed for me that nothing could be further from the truth. What will be your next mountain experience? It may not be granite but it must be bigger than you are. Think of one now. You can't afford not to.

The Lies We Let Our Kids Believe

If there is one thing that parents hate as much as anything when it comes to disciplining our kids is when they lie to us. We can tolerate juvenile mistakes and actions much of the time but when they outright lie, that angers us more most of the time, right?

But have we ever thought about the lies that we consciously or subconsciously help our kids to believe? Yes, there are un-truths that they are exposed to all the time that if we're not careful they will adopt for themselves and even live according to much of their lives. Those lies probably come from outside of our home much of the time but some even originate with us at times.

Let me suggest a few that we would all be wise to respond to, oppose and teach the truth about in our parenting:

The lie that my (our) stuff will make me happy. Most families spend a lot of time, energy and money getting more and keeping up with their neighbors. And there is nothing wrong with enjoying some of the fruits of our labors. But if we keep giving our kids or filling our homes with the newest of everything, the latest, the best and the coolest we send them a message that all of those things matter more than they do.

The lie that I am entitled to most everything I have, get or am awarded. And yet nothing could be further from the truth. We don't deserve anything other than what we get for working hard, doing our best and receiving because of God's grace.  Our culture is now saturated with an I-deserve-to-get-this mentality that has sapped our government resources and caused parents to often demand of school and community leaders that their kids get special privileges.

The lie that mom and dad should provide and fix everything.  And if we do that where will our kids learn how to fend for themselves, take care of their own needs, save money and problem solve on their own? They won't. They'll bring this needy, whiny, helpless attitude into a marriage or other relationship that will tax both people more than is necessary.

The lie that casual sex and fun, party-filled relationships are free, don't hurt anyone and don't require any responsibility. And yet the social landscape continues to be littered with broken relationships, abuse, divorces and dysfunctional families because no one ever taught our young people how to grow a healthy, vibrant and caring relationship and home.

Finally, the lie that God, Jesus and the spiritual side of life are either mere fantasies and nice stories or at best just one option for people who actually care about such things or need that crutch. I am old enough to have watched for five decades the slow metamorphosis of our culture's views on faith and Christianity. It has certainly been under attack for centuries, even millenia, but never to the degree it is now.

Christians both here and around the world are not merely tolerated anymore. They're being beheaded in other countries and culturally killed everyday here. We must help our kids make our faith their faith. We dare not leave the teaching merely to the church, Christian school or helpful media. Scriptures tells us in Deuteronomy 6 that WE parents must be the foundation of their faith learning.

Ever look at an X-ray and not see the problem that the doctor sees?  I do that all the time. But I finally realized that doctor's can see the defect easily because they've seen the right version so many times. If we teach our kids truth, they'll know the lies more quickly too because we've shown them the right version over and over.

Teach Your Kids About Their "Selfie Image" - It Matters.

Ok, so selfies, those pictures people with smart phones take of themselves, are going to be the rage for a while. And of course, some of them are obnoxious while others are actually quite cool. Well, I've not taken one of those cool ones yet but I'm working on it.

But their popularity does beg the question, especially with our children, are they helping our kids gain a healthy view of themselves? I heard one sports commentator talking about child sports stars wisely say, "There is a difference between being self aware and self-absorbed." He is SO right.

If we're not careful we will continue to develop another generation (and they're not the first) of kids who are far more self-absorbed than self-aware. And it won't be just because of selfies.  Much of the problem will lie with us parents who continue to feed their egos without modeling an alternative perspective.

How?

First, we require that they be productive and successful all the time.They are in a sport or learning activity every season, always competing and pushed into winning much of the time. It would be nice if the many camps for kids were merely about expanding their experiences and opportunities but we know better. For most players, parents and coaches they want more activities so their kids will be better athletes or musicians or cheerleaders and so they will win more.

And we do much of it in the name of self-awareness when all we're doing is adding to their being self-absorbed.

Second, we often model the same tendencies ourselves. More and more parents are even quitting their jobs or at least altering their lifestyle and free time in major ways so they can run more marathons, become an American Ninja or get multiple martial arts belts. The not so sports minded ones get more degrees, ascend the ladder at work or decide to climb the world's tallest mountains.

And of course there is nothing wrong with having a big goal or two and going for it. But when it becomes an obsession, and for so many it is just that, we start to become as absorbed with us as our kids do and they notice.

Third, a lessening of our attention on the spiritual and emotional usually accompanies these obsessive tendencies. No, people don't typically reject their faith or become jerks (though a few do) but they just don't place as much important on the less obvious, the things that don't impress others outwardly as much. There usually isn't a radical change but rather a slow move away from the things that matter most to the things that are about us.

Fourth, we don't speak against the cultural affirmations of self-absorption. The selfie prophets are everywhere preaching that we're number one - in movies, on television, in grocery-store magazines and even school. And while we shouldn't be strident or obnoxious about it, we do need to have frank discussions with our kids about why giving ourselves away produces far more fulfillment than always being focused on us.

Yes, everyone needs to know that they are important and matter but the real truths about self-worth can't be found in stuff, accomplishments or accolades. That comes from the God who made us.

So, sure, enjoy a selfie now and then with your kids. Just be careful that you and your family don't get too much selfie confidence. 

The Best Stage in Your Marriage? How about NOW?

I've not counted how many couples I've counseled over the years but there is a malady that I have seen in most of them when they are struggling. It's not typically the main or root cause but it certainly adds to their challenges.

The difficulty? One or both of them live in the past or the future, not the now. They bemoan the fact that their marriage, health, activity level, finances or stage of life isn't what it used to be. They live in the past. Or they constantly talk about (and gripe) about not being where they had hoped they would be. These couples live in the future.

It's a black hole that will never get filled.

After nearly four decades of marriage, certainly an imperfect one, I know that we've tried our hardest to make the best time in our marriage right now. Sure we've made some great memories. We hope there will be many more. And yes we've had our struggles as a couple and individually and we pray there won't be as many of those.

But if we've done anything right it's that we've made enjoying the present something we embrace and appreciate no matter the circumstances. One of the ways we do that is we explore the world around us together. We've not had to live in too many places but we've always found things to do together. Not everything, but a lot of things.

Whether we've lived in Michigan, Illinois or Texas we've poked around to find fun things to do and enjoy together. And at each of those stages our kids and now grandkids have lived in different settings. Most of the time they haven't been close. For five years though our daughter and her family were nearby. Now we're nearer our son. We've tried to make each situation work.

Sometimes our work environment was going well, other times we struggled. We embraced it all. We didn't like it all the time but we made the most of it and didn't dream of past or future as something better. The apostle Paul speaks of learning to be content in whatever circumstances we're in. That is powerful advice and certainly makes for a better and stronger marriage.

Living in the past or future also kills healthy communication with a spouse. We start bringing up past mistakes as tools for punishment of the other rather than dealing with the current struggle. We must learn to speak only in the here and now and if we live that way it will be more natural.

So whatever your age or circumstances spend a bit more time, energy and conversation on what you have NOW. Enjoy it, embrace it, relish it. God's given you some moments that you'll never have again. Don't cheapen them by wishing they were something else.

Learning In A Restaurant About Happiness

Have You Had a Rest Lately?

As I write this post I am just into my final two weeks of a nine-week sabbatical from my work as a pastor. Yes, nine weeks off to travel, relax, do nothing, read a book, spend time with my wife or whatever. I am very thankful that my church, Austin Christian Fellowship, makes that kind of break after seven years of service an option.

So as we head off to one more adventure in San Francisco and Yosemite National Park, I wanted to give you a few of the benefits of this time off that I know I must keep in my life in some form, even if I can't get nine weeks in a row very often.

You see we live in a driven culture. We all exist under the umbrella of expectations, potential and success. We want to have what everyone else has, we fear our kids will miss out on something they need for life and we're addicted to the rush of accomplishment. So we rarely slow down. Even our leisure is harried. Our vacations are even jam-packed with more to do, see and overcome.

Things that should be plain fun like watching our son or daughter play a game or star in a play are often simply opportunities for us to catch our breath or sneak in a short nap. We cram our exercise and meals into an already jampacked schedule. We take more to help us sleep than ever before and many of us are getting by on the bare minimums.

Time off, real time off, reminds you that you simply can't keep living that way and that there is another, better option.

First, time off or rest reminds us what is really important. There are a lot of things I have not done during this time that I usually do each day or week that I found I can live without. I also discovered some things that I was able to add to my life that I don't want to stop now.  I need to play more, keep exercise important but not rushed and spend more time just drinking coffee without a timetable. I have new goals regarding my wife and family that I haven't thought about lately.

Second, time off or rest give us perspective. Busyness keeps us from evaluating what we're doing and why. We may be accomplishing lots of good things but are they the best things, especially for us and our family.  It's too easy to wake up one day and realize that ten or twenty years went by and we just did the same things over and over and never thought about why.

Third, time off or rest help us focus better on our relationship with God. When we're too busy we can become too busy for God or we begin to think that He wants us in this ratrace too.  We start thinking that the more things we do for him earn us more points or favor when in reality He often just wants to be with us where we are.  He wants us to enjoy Him and Him us.

One day on the sabbatical I was in North Texas where the mornings are usually cool even in the summer. I got up early and went to get coffee for the adults and walked out the door into the pleasant temperatures.  As I drove to the coffee shop and back and enjoyed the crisp air I found myself worshipping God and thanking him for that moment.  I was just enjoying Him, His creation and my moment in it. I want and need more spaces like that and I would guess you do too.

And we won't get them if we don't slow down and really rest. We may have to do it in little moments much of the time but if those moments become normal we'll never go back to living without them.

Living in the One Percent

I've had the opportunity to stand on nine or ten summits over 14,000 feet in my life. I've been blessed to travel to Russia fifteen times and another trip is on the horizon. I've hiked for days near the Matterhorn, one of the most beautiful mountains in the world. I got to take a zipline from next to the Great Wall of China across a lake flying hundreds of feet in the air.

And in each of these scenarios and others like them I wondered to myself:  What percentage of people in the world have done this or been here? And of course I don't know the amount but I'm pretty sure it's quite small, less than one percent.  I remember thinking, "I am so fortunate to be here because very few have experienced this."

But I also know this . . . those moments were some of the most alive times in my life. Most of them required sacrifice, hardship, pain and/or fear but they were worth it. They were opportunities that the majority of other people either couldn't or wouldn't take advantage of because in many cases they were too busy doing what everyone else does.

Is that you  and your family too?  Just accomplishing a lot of great things but doing what most other people do every day. Are you just a clone in a busy culture but with little uniqueness of your own?

And before you think I was just off doing special adventures let me explain what led to the above activities. The mountains were largely climbed with one or more of my kids or my wife. They were special family moments we would never forget.

The trips to Russia have been to teach, help, encourage and train others in ministry, to help them more effectively share their Christian faith with their people. The Matterhorn trip was a twenty-fifth wedding anniversary trip with Jackie and the Great Wall opportunity was part of a trip to see our daughter and son-in-law serving God in China.

REMEMBER: If you want your one percent choices to be extra special do something that involves things that truly matter - ministry, family and helping others.

It is so easy to just coast through life making money, getting stuff and trying to just be happy. But living in the one percent is more about finding joy, giving things away and discovering that the things that are worth the most actually cost the least in everyday terms. You don't need dollars, pesos, rubles or Euros to buy them.  But you do have to plan them, look for them, pray about them and be intentional about living life differently from the masses.

Look for a cause, a mission, a neighbor to help. Find an adventure that your family will never forget and yet which teaches eternal truths and makes a lifelong difference in someone. And when you do you will find that your life is alive in a way you've rarely experienced before and you will never go back.

Start now.

Why We All Need A Little Sabbath in Our Homes

Some people don't know what it is. When I tell people I'm going on a nine-week sabbatical they look at me like I'm speaking another language. Others think I must be doing this because I'm a pastor and that maybe I'm going to take some kind of pilgrmage to a foreign, mystical land.

For many the word sabbath only makes sense if it comes after the word Black. (Are they still touring?) But actually the purpose of sabbath or taking a sabbatical  is to rest and breathe in a major change of scenery from the hectic pace of life and its demands.

It's only when we literally stop doing what we're doing for a while and live differently for an extended time will we understand true sabbath. God, obviously knowing how we are made and what we need, ordained and commanded sabbath on a regular basis. We could say that every night's sleep is a form of sabbath and it is. But God's chief plan was to tell His children to take one day a week and experience a major stoppage or at least change of pace from the usual grind of life.  Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy is one of the Ten Commandments. It's not a suggestion.

Even the fields were supposed to have a periodic rest and sometimes individuals were given much longer breaks. That's why many wise organizations like schools and churches offer something to people like me, usually after seven years of service following the Biblical example.

The problem is that most of us in our culture are caught in the trap and pull of having to do more not less, to never rest but be productive. We want our kids busy every moment, we need more money to get more house and then have more to take care of and then we sleep less. But our bodies weren't made for living that way. And neither were our souls.

We need regular times to slow down, even stop. We must recalibrate our minds,  rest our muscles and bones and  renew our relationships with crockpot slowness, letting each hour simmer in new flavor, perspective and calm.

The other day I had to schedule a follow up doctor visit during this sabbatical and my first reaction was to check my schedule on my phone to see what times would be open. And all of a sudden I thought . . . "Wait, my time is totally free. It doesn't matter when we make the appointment!"  That was liberating and rejuvenating in and of itself.

Do you and your family embrace sabbath in your world?  It won't likely be nine-weeks long (and mine won't either again for at least seven more years) but it can be a few hours, a day, a weekend or just a short nap. But don't say I can't afford sabbath.  The truth is you can't afford NOT to have sabbath. You're going to run out of gas, you're going to miss some of the most important things in life that you won't enjoy unless you stop long enough to experience them.

Start now. Once you do you'll never go back to the old way.

Lessons Learned From My Grandchildren

This past week my wife Jackie and I got to enjoy something for the very first time. We were together with all four of our grandsons at once. While the oldest is more than five we've never been able to all be in one place so this was a pretty special time.

And while there are lots of great memories I could share with you perhaps the most profound things I could say are little thoughts or impressions I had while watching or interacting with them.

First, each child is unique. We must never expect them to be the same. One is more shy, another speaks non-stop, a third likes to read while the next would rather play with trains. The shy one likes to wrestle, though, while the talker loves football. The reader also likes Angry Birds but the train engineer is also friends with everyone.

Uniquenesses in children can be frustrating but they must be celebrated. God made each one his own person and their specialness is to be enjoyed.

Second, love is real and more than a chemical reaction. Most grandparents like us find themselves overflowing with love for their grandchildren. You can't help but have great affection and a desire to do or give anything for them. The toughest of men or the most callous of women suddenly melt when those little ones walk through the door.

And yet some would suggest that we all just somehow got here without any role of a Creator. My question? How then do we explain something like love?  Is it just the physical result of our ever evolving structure over the years?  Is what I feel just reaction of various chemicals making their way through my brain or other physical system?

Third, time with family is precious. I don't know when we'll all be together again. It's not easy to arrange a week like we just had. It could be years for all we know. One of us could be gone before the next time. And yet so many families take these gatherings for granted or are fighting over the most petty of issues and can't enjoy being together at all. Perhaps we need to see the time we do get more as gold rather than Kryptonite.

As Christmas approaches we all probably have opportunities to connect with family. If so, embrace each child uniquely, pour on the love and value the time. You won't have it forever.

Oh, How Much We Have! Teach It At Home.

I just returned from my fifteenth trip to Russia. I went with a terrific team of Americans to serve and lead a worship and church leadership conference in Moscow. I could tell you lots of stories about how God worked there, relationships that we will treasure forever or ways the Russian people blessed us perhaps more than we helped them.

However, what I want to focus on in this post is the reminder we all received again of how much we really have in this country and often do not appreciate. Even in a huge city like Moscow, one of the two most prosperous cities in the country, the differences to our lifestyle are striking.

For example, most everything you have to do there is hard, at least much harder than most of us are used to.  It's hard just to cross a major street there. You may have to go down twenty-five stairs or more on one side, walk through a long tunnel and then climb back up the same number of stairs on the other side. Or if you can cross on the surface, the street may be filled with trolley tracks, holes and uneven pavement, not to mention an errant driver who refused to stop.

It's also hard to move from place to place. If you have a car you will probably crawl along in traffic much of the day. If you are relegated to public transportation your trip will likely take 45 - 90 minutes each way or more and involve the Metro (subway), bus and/or trolley.  And from October through May it will be cold, rainy, cloudy, snowy and/or windy most days.

It's also hard to buy the things you need for basic life. While more larger stores are popping up in Moscow, it is still difficult to purchase all you need in one place for one meal or to get that small little item you need to fix something at home or that you need for your wardrobe.

The list goes on.  It's hard to complete paperwork, register for things, exchange money, get a bank account. It's hard to get to fun things to do or to just find places to play with your children. It can be hard to find good medical care or someone to help in an emergency.

Yes, we all have our hard days and some of us have major obstacles to overcome even here in the U.S. But it's always good for us to remember how much better we have it than most of the world. And we probably won't appreciate our better circumstances until we go somewhere and actually experience how others have to live. In fact, if you know missionaries or others who work in countries overseas, you might especially pray for them or send them a note or CARE package of encouragement.

And if you're a parent teach your kids to appreciate how blessed they are. Go on a missions trip sometime when you can. Go serve some people who live hard lives. Thankfulness is a virtue many families and individuals have lost in this country. Perhaps we can help keep it alive. Our family and country will be better off if we do.

Where Are You Putting Your Resources At Your House?

I heard this week that the average prom spending per family was $1100 in 2012. That's the average so of course some spent less but just as many spent more!  For a dance.

Now there's nothing inherently wrong with special nights and activities in high school. Kids look forward much of their lives to their junior and senior proms. But who's driving these high costs for one night out?  The kids? Probably. The parents, too?  You bet.

There aren't too many students out there with the kind of income on their own to shell out a grand or more for their dress, limo, tux, food, photos and whatever else comes with it. My hunch is that a lot of parents use prom, just like so many other things, to keep up with the Joneses and to not disappoint little Julie or Ryan.

But what messages might we be sending?

The obvious one is that you must do what everyone else does or you won't be good enough. Kids have enough self esteem issues to add this pressure to their lives. Our worth is never in stuff and there isn't enough stuff to satisfy us. If there were then every Hollywood celebrity and pro athlete making huge amounts of money and living in enormous houses would be happy. But that's rarely the case.

Second, we may send the idea that you never need to wait or save for something better later. We've lived in a I-must-have-it-now culture for a long time now and these latest statistics merely add to that mentality. Wise parents help their kids to have great memories and fun experiences without having to do or spend exorbitantly.

Third, we are saying that of the resources God has given us, we are going to exhaust a significant amount of them on things that really don't matter in the big scheme of things.  Do our children see us spend that kind of money on other people, God's work, mission projects and the like? They watch us throw a twenty or even fifty in the offering each week but not ashamed to break the bank for a dress or limousine.

I talked with a man today whose wife was rushed to the hospital with severe abdominal pain. Thankfully, later in the day she was to be released but the man had no way to go get her and only $15 dollars left which he did not dare spend on cab fare. They don't live in the slums but have a place only a mile or two from us.  They've just been hit with lots of personal hardships.

So I spent a little of my time, money and gas and took him and his nine-year-old daughter to get mommy. And did I mention that I was the one blessed? That's the way it works when we try to spend our resources in the right places. Hope you and your family will try it.

LIfetimes Are Often Shorter Than We Think

My friend's son died the other day from cancer. He and his sweet wife had only been married about twelve years, had three little kids and were no doubt planning a long life together. I had the privilege of officiating at their wedding and heard their sincere and passionate vows to love even in sickness and in health, for better or for worse.

I'm confident that they never planned that in less than a dozen years one of them would be gone.

They promised to love each other for a lifetime. Sadly, however, that lifetime was much shorter than they could have imagined.

So am I trying to scare us all and suggest that we live in some sort or ugly morbidity all the time?  Of course not. But I would say we don't think nearly often enough about how we use each day and the time we have with those we love.

Often we succumb to the tyranny of the urgent and a penchant for more stuff, forgetting that it could be all gone tomorrow.

So what does this mean in everyday terms?  Well first I think it requires that we don't miss opportunities to meaningfully connect with those we love. Say the words we would want said, work at doing the things that won't end up in the regret column of your life. Take a little extra time to talk to your spouse or child, play with them spontaneously and slow down.

Second, we need to hold short accounts. If we've become angry or distant from someone go make it right even if you weren't in the wrong. Say you're sorry and let them know you don't want to continue to live apart or disenchanted with each other. Forgive if need be. Forgiveness isn't about letting them off the hook. It's about letting YOU off the hook.

Third, start on your bucket list now. Yes, some things may need to wait until you have more time or money but don't put them all off until retirement or later. Enjoy accomplishing some of those things now with your spouse and/or family. Don't spend your later days, months or years wishing you had done a lot of these things.

Of course there are other activities and actions you can think of and take to make the most out of each day you have. Whatever they are, start now. You never know how much time you have.

Sometimes We Need to Just Stop and Breathe Again

Being married and being a parent have at least one thing in common. They are often hard. Life with a spouse or a child or two can become overwhelming even in the best of circumstances.

And sometimes when we're struggling we make things worse because of our tenseness, anxiety and frustration.

I was recently getting some physical therapy for my neck and back. My therapist, while a very nice guy, was at times ruthless, inflicting what he deemed necessary pain to stretch my muscles and tear away some of the congestion under the skin which none of us could see.

However, he would often say when he could see me grimace or hear me moan, "Just keep breathing. Take nice big breaths. The oxygen is important right now." You see as things got tense I tended to hold my breath trying to just gut it out. And while apparently others do that, too, it wasn't helpful.

In the same way when life is a challenge we can tend to just gut it out, push through and even run over others to deal with the pain. We yell at our loved ones, we push harder to succeed and we take less time off to relax and reboot. And that usually results in someone getting hurt.

If your marriage or parenting or work is causing you to be tense all the time and hurt those close to you maybe you need to stop and catch your breath, keep breathing and even sigh.  How?

First, slow down. Be sure you have a break in your day. Turn off the phone, put your computer away and silence the TV. Take a few minutes and talk to your spouse or just sit alone and think.

Second, do something that gives you more perspective. Read a book, talk to a friend, get counseling or pray. You're probably tense because you're looking myopically at your situation and there is probably some good news and helpful advice out there somewhere.

Third, make a fundamental change in your schedule. What are you doing that someone else could do? What are you doing that you simply don't need to continue? Where can you build in some regular "breathing," relaxing and recharging.  What hobby would you love to do again that has gone by the wayside.

Remember, you won't be able to handle the pain unless you keep breathing.